many minds, little words

alot of things on my mind now. but to put them simply, as below.

frustrated.
thankful.
proud.
grateful.
sad.
wishful.

of which are which, figure it out on your own. ask if you want though i don't promise answers.

'i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
more and more i need you now,
i owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart'-Jars of Clay

seeking, found?

maybe i am just seeking for more reasons.

Psa 23:1
[[A Psalm of David.]] The LORD [is] my shepherd; I shall not want.
Psa 23:2
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
Psa 23:3
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Psa 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psa 23:5
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Psa 23:6
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

my favorite prayer.
the lord is my shepard, i shall not want.

he have given me all i need. i shall not want more.

do i believe? or is it just cause of her?

still some things i want to know. know them i shall. i fear not what may come.

yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil: for thou art with me.

take 2

first read, for a second time.

revalations 22:13
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.

read this many many years ago and started using 'a&o' as my handle on some places. now it becomes my first page.

curiously strangely coincidental.

question of who am i? from it stems many other questions which i feel are important. itself stems from another question of, what are we to be?

broke down and cried. lost. feeling heartache again. once again i am alright. will carry on my life. feels that i want something more.though i am afraid, will let what comes, come. face it and face myself.

i want it so much. it is so beautiful. but i will not live a lie. i will face myself, my fears and maybe god. though i wish, i will not lie, cheat nor bluff. with intentions the actions must tally, or all is naught.

straight and narrow? so be it.

strange

could be out of race for SEA games. strangely, i am not very sad or pissed or disappointed. guess i know i did my best and still am. no regrets and still fighting. been like this and will be i guess. down but never out, till i decide to quit.

many thanks for Daryl. talked to me about some stuff and make me more comfortable and more confident. friends are such, there for each other. =) thanks dude..

life's been..good. happier these days. those who knows, knows. those who don't..well too bad. s@@ how it goes. really really unexpected. and really really happy. it's the kind of feeling that completes your day. weird. strange. happy. hoping. wishing.

life, have many unexpected turns. for bad or good..until the fat lady sings.

'cause sometimes it seems
like this world's closing in on me,
and there's no way of breaking free
and then i see you reach for me

sometimes i wanna give up
i wanna give in,
i wanna quit the fight
and then i see you, baby
and everything's alright, everything's alright..'-Bad English

more..

more complicated now..missing someone..

abit more confused now..wondering what's right..

somewhat more past my past now..things are still there as facts, but affects me little..

more is good? hmm..

still feeling shucks at shooting..still trying..still fighting..

when you believe in an ideal, you become something else.

cry

i can be so many things to so many people.

help them up, push them on..give them hope and let them fly. teach them to love themself and be their best. be there for them and let them crash..be their pillar and their support.

who will be here to help me? who will i let in?

i don't trust much anymore. broken things don't mend. not the way they used to be anymore.

broken..beyond repair.

am i enough? good enough? strong enough? after losing so much faith and trust..will i be enough for my last dream? do i even live the dream? or simply living day by day?

cannot even trust myself..what's worse?

simply

life now is simply fucked up.

feeling down and out. it's probably just a phase that will last a few days. been so bloody tired. trying to meet all the commitments. everyday chiong and chiong. all seems for nothing. quite pissed with things. fed-up and sick of fighting.

but tomorrow, i'll be at the range..shooting..trying hard. fool..i am.

so sian..so pissed..so tired..no mood..angry..sad..in pain..anguish..

all i ask for is a chance. for that chance..i am now giving my life.

somewhat

days been normal.

pretty same same. somewhat sianZ, somewhat ok.

shooting been getting back to normal levels. 1100s. tuning and stuff. arrows now too soft even with my sianed low poundage. from 48 drop to 46, then reduce to 44 and now about 42-43. and arrows still too soft. i miss the days when my bare shaft can shoot 90m and 70m easily. shucks. no money to get new arrows. *ka-chings*already abit in the red already. just make do and do me bestest i suppose..

should be going Korea in May for training. looking forward to it. hope it can help me improve, away from this noobie level of 1100s.

lots of thoughts about what's to come. lots of wishes that i don't really dare to dream anymore. been quite sad actually, about dreams. of all my dreams that are the life fulfilling kind, none are acomplished, and only one left. trudge on..painfully.

i wish, i dream, i hope.. ..

'from a distance, you look like my friend
even though we are at war..
from a distance i cannot comprehend
what all the fighting is for..
from a distance there is harmony
and it echoes through the land..
it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves..
it's the heart of every man..'-Bette Midler

hmm..

BLUE


??Which colour of Death is yours??
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what else?

now idea what is happening to my life.

been pretty sedated. shoot, train, coach..nothing much. trying hard to acheive, but losing steam. guess will have to do some introspection about myself.

guess i am wishing for something more..more interesting? more out of ordinary? to kick me in the head and wake me up? wishing for something to lift me up and soar? not really sure..just feels as if some thing missing in life these days..though things are fine and improving..

so many things to do so little time. but it's ok since i am doing things and doing them alright. just doing what i can. just hope i can do better. i know i can, just something not right. hai..

Archery - Sport/activity where the laws of physics, logic and commonsense have little application.

help?

don't know what i am doing right. or wrong.

old problems cope up again. new ones appear. why? stronger now. feel that form is alright. why can't i just shoot better. been at this score for years!!!

know that my attitude towards improving was not good. changed that. now i work hard. train hard. stronger, shoot more, more stable. but why am i not performing? can someone tell me?

what would i say to my student? i would fix the fucking problem. look for things to fix and fix it. given the amount of time i train and attention i pay to my shooting, it should be fixable. but why is it not? what's wrong?

feel like just give it up. i can coach well. i can make others shoot well. damn it!

help.

person

who are you? and who do you want to be?

we can change. it have to be delibrate. you have to do it. and do it till it becomes part of you. habits can change. we are changing all the time. so take control of it and be who you want to be.

days are all very tiring. work out. work out shooting. coach. doing paper work. hrrk. no idea if i am getting anywhere. want to do more, but my body and mind have a limit. i'll do all that i can, and hope it's good. nothing else i can do.

cleared my mind about some stuff. cleared some stuff wth some people. so not too bad now. pretty flatlining at better than average. hope it stays..or get better..heh..

money settling down. timing not yet. let's s@@ if i can organise my life abit more.

sandman.. he comes..!!

'every time that i look in the mirror
all these lines on my face getting clearer
the past is gone
it went by like dusk to dawn
isn't that the way everybody's got their dues in life to pay

yeah, I know nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes
i know it's everybody's sin
you got to lose to know how to win

half my life's in books' written pages
live and learn from fools and from sages
you know it's true
all the things come back to you

sing with me, sing for the years
sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
sing with me, if it's just for today
maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

dream on, dream on, dream on,
dream yourself a dream come true
dream on, dream on, dream on,
and dream until your dream comes true
dream on...'-Aerosmith, Dream On

邊緣人

just in. nearly out.

not doing good enough. pretty frustrating. i train hard. i do what the coach says. and more. yet, i am not good enough. what am i to do?

still some time to do what i can. and i'll do what i can. all that i can.

don't know how i express how i feel. frustrated. angry. hopeful. hopeless. near tears already. what more must i do!??! want to scream out loud..but it's all in the head. keeping my cool and take it a step at a time. losing my lauguage to figure out what words to use properly to express myself. left with shooting form, mindset, coaching techniques, mental conditioning, target aquisition, feeling of good shots.....argh..going mad.

close. not really.

'so make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
it's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
i hope you had the time of your life.'-Greenday

challenged

time is running out. i feel it. everyday it puts more pressure. every moment tempting me to take the easy way.

i..i will follow my dream all the way.

pained. but i will not give up. yes, i am stubborn. i will do this. my most excellent.

i don't lack anything, except a chance. and now i have it. i'll take it and go all the way.

do you dare, take the path i am taking?

trudge

two steps forward, one step back.

progress is not easy. fighting hard for it and yet keep being disappointed.

nothing much to say. too tired.

filled with thoughts, though fleeting.
full of emotions, yet no words.
hopeful attempts, failure lures.
silient efforts, mindless tolls.

attempt but never to be reached.
in life as in sports.
dare.

it is in the attempt that we find ourselves better.
it is in daring that we find ourselves heores.
it is in loving we find ourselves doing what we thought we wouldn't.

all i am doing now is doing what i love. to reach as far as i can towards the impossible. perfection. in shooting. in coaching. in dealing with people.

if i err, please let me know.
if i fall, please pull me up.
if i fail, remember me fondly.

embrace failure as a step forward. pick myself up and go again.

'sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered
and there's nowhere to turn
you wonder how you keep going
think of all the things that really mattered
and the chances you've earned
the fire in your heart is growing
...
dare - dare to believe you can survive
you hold the future in your hand
dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
it's time to take a stand'-Stan Bush

climb

read a post on a friend's post..had something about redemption.

i wonder if i can ever redeem myself. in my own eyes, in eyes of those who know and in eyes of whoever/whatever will judge me when i die, if there's such an occurance. what constitutes redemption? how to pay for what? i don't know. all i know is that i am trying to be the best that i can be, as i was last time. and i make mistakes, i have blind spots, i stun soemtimes..but i never have anything but best of intentions. what does that count as? i am human, i err. if i am to be punished for whatever i done, so be it. however it may be.

today's shoot was fine. first round was average. second round climbed abit to my old average. team round did alright. got team gold. can feel the form, can feel my strength, can feel that i am improving. let's s@@ where it goes from here. lots of work to do, so let's do it. =)

who knows me? do i even? does it matter? in the end..we are just who we are, doing what we do.

as i walk on, i stand taller. but a shadow still haunts me. when will it be shown the light?

'黃︰滄海笑　滔滔兩岸潮
浮沉隨浪記今朝
徐︰蒼天笑　紛紛世上潮
誰負誰勝出天知曉
羅︰江山笑　煙雨遙
濤浪濤盡紅塵俗事知多少
合︰清風笑　竟惹寂寥
豪情還賸了一襟晚照
合︰蒼生笑　不再寂寥
豪情仍在痴痴笑笑' - 黃霑／羅大佑／徐克

out of ordinary

today is a weird day.

nothing to do the whole day. excercised, read news, played games, stretched...blah blah blah..cannot shoot and need the rest as well. so all in all..was quite free and left to my own devices. normally saturday is packed..morning, youth team, afternoon TP or national training. today everything was off. felt off. like missing something.

also the side effect was that i had too much time to think and ponder. not good. not happy. too many things to worry about. so i did what i could to take up time. not really working..but well here i am at the end of the day.

felt empty today. happy for some parts too. pissed at somethings as well. mixed up. thought of something to blog while having dinner..now forgotten.

messed up.

fuel

been a hectic week. grateful for it in many ways.

the indonesian coach who came as a guest coach taught alot of things. formwork, physical training methods, mental work and all that jazz. to me the most important thing he taught us is that to love shooting is one thing, to fight to win is totally another story. i guess i was shooting with passion but not passion wnough to WANT to win. to want to win is easy, but to want to work for it to ensure you are capable is another. may seem strange to people reading this..but those who knows me, know that i am quite non-confrontational. so now i s@@ that to love shooting is not getting me anywhere, i have to want to get somewhere enough to work hard for it.

now my schedule is packed. everyday there is a purpose. no more hanging around not sure what to do. daily plans to get to where i want to go. strange..i knew all these, it's just like i did not know the true purpose of it all. wasted lots of time. now i go.

somewhat happy now. clearer as to what i want. still slightly empty, but i know thing will happen as they happen. let what comes, come.

renewed

'是谁偷偷 偷走我的心
不能分辨 黑夜或天明'-张学友

reactions

not enough time to rest..let alone blog.

so many things happened this past weekend. been dead tired. coaching course. shooting. change some formwork. did some admin stuff. money running out. darn.

form change was pretty good. so far so good. will try smoe more s@@ how it goes. i know my main weakness..will work to make it better. things with shooting are not too bad now. got into training team by a sliver..will work to prove my place.

rather motivated now. the indonesian coach saw right to the problem of our team. no passion. no drive. no heart. don't misunderstand me, not that we have no passion for the sport..we lack passion to WIN! after some talk with him..i felt like bursting..so charged up and wanting to go out and do something!

things take time. things take effort. will make my days useful. one way or another.

people : hope you all are alright. i know some of you are disappointed. but remember what i always qoute mr tang, ' the only time you lose..is when you give up.' i have not given up after nearly 10 years of fighting for a place..don't you give up! no matter what you are aiming for..there's always a chance..as long as you try.

heart power!!!

knowledge

'knowledge itself is power.'-???

part of a phrase that's longer and more meaningful, but also slips my mind. it's that phrase on my photo frame of my kindergarden class picture that drives me to know things.

now i realise my error. knowledge does not give you power. it is power. it can break you, make you. sometimes you can use it. sometimes it uses you.

knowing things may be a blessing. it can be a curse as well. me knowing something, finding out something, broke me again.

i will survive. being well i will. maybe no more spectacular. but will be alright.

broken

dreams mean so little in times like this
i remember
no respite no redemption no turning back
but i remember all that we had
and i am truely sorry however little it means now

sometimes

sometimes i feel damn broken.
sometimes i want to try again.
sometimes i want to give up everything and start anew somewhere else.
sometimes i feel i can be better if i really let myself.
sometimes i feel i cannot go on anymore.
sometimes i wonder why i keep being the way i am.
sometimes things just seem so bleak.
sometimes giving up seem the best option.
sometimes don't know what to do about everything.
sometimes i have to be strong for those around.
sometimes have to know everything for the people who rely on me.
sometimes really wish i have somewhere to hide.
sometimes i don't know who i am.
sometimes i hope someone can convince me.
sometimes i wish i'd die soon.
sometimes i feel like i know i'll live long to pay for my sins.
sometimes i think i try to do too many things.

sometimes..we just have to go on and do what we do..regardless of how we feel or think. life goes on..make do with what we have and do our best. it may not be easy. it may not be smooth. but you got to live your life the way you want to.

sorry for the monologue-y, introspective disjointed post. just abit lost sometimes. i am also human.

'The magic of risking everything so you can respect yourself the rest of your life.'-Million Dollar Baby

flat line

life have been rather flat lined lately. only a few minor instances of irkedness.

firstly, starwars episode 3, coming out. one of the bad guys is going to be called..general grievous. and the leaked plot is VERY lame. i shall not have any spoilers here, but trust me, if it is as i read, this will be the worst starwars ever. it doesn't matter if the effects are good. it doesnt' matter if it have lightsabers(ok maybe it does). it's turning into a lame, childish, simplistic, style-less show that is undeserving of the glory that's starwars. and the author for episode 1, 2 and 3 is the guy who killed chewbacca in one of his books. trying hard to be outstanding? trying hard to come out with stunning scenes and story lines? you fail. you killed starwars. and george lucas gave you the knife. blessed are episodes 4, 5 and 6. even in those the 'special editions' they suck. man..GL have no idea what makes a good movie.WTH. rambled enough about this..for now.

team. what does it mean to you? to me it means we stick together, it means we help each other through. if you want to be selfish and stay aside to be yourself, to do your best. you are not part of the team. you think you know what you want, but all you want is empty, cause you don't ven know who you are.

i am here for you if you need. if i s@@ you down i will pull you up as best as i can. i don't ask anything in return. only that you are fine. that's me. unconditional. trust me. go on and soar, do your thing. i will always be glad that you can walk on and stand strong. i will be here.

watched a few good movies the past few weeks. aviator. ray. million dollar baby. and they all won oscars for various categories. of all these, i would say i enjoyed ray the most, but million dollar baby being the best. watch it. i think most people would enjoy any of these shows.

oh yar..how can i forget. measured my bow poundage today. i click at 49 pounds. OMFG. no wonder i died the first day i shot it. wondering if i should have it changed to something lower. will ask coach when i s@@ him. i can handle it pretty ok now, almost like my old yamaha limbs. but really 49 is just a little bit mad. don't you think?

not too bad..not too good. watch out for what's to come. watch out for me.

'偶爾整理信紙 發現離家當時
媽媽給我的字 只寫著兩件事

有原則沒錯你要堅持 相信有好的開始
小心別在城市裡迷失 家永遠有你的位置

一個人自由沒有限制 兩個人交心才充實
認真尋找你愛的女人 給她幸福一輩子'-歐得洋

(i like the above lyrics alot, and he sings it with ery good emotions, i like it.)

curve balls

life's a cruel bitch who like to throw curve balls.

nothing happened to piss me off. though nothing really good happened too. just normal. watch million dollar baby..and it reminds me of how unpredictable life is. in kind of a sombre(sp) mood today. no idea why..

been training hard..building strength and feeling the new bow. feels good. getting connected with it.

reading an old book that have been republished, author's preferred edition. like it more than the editted one. adds more flavor to a story i read maybe four times already.

you-know-who: i know. sometimes i am conflicted as to what to do. for now..i do what i need to do.

tough ain't enough. you need heart. at least i am giving it a shot.

'仍然自由自我　永遠高唱我歌　走遍千里'-Beyond

ultra extreme

a new beast to tame. a new machine to tune. a new weopon to handle.

first time seriously tried to shoot my new bow.

Samick Agulla Ultra 25" Grey
Samick Extreme Limbs Long 44#(more like 48#)
Easton ACE 430, 120gr points, 30", Beiter In/Out nocks Yellow Size 2, Spinvanes Blue
Shibuya Dual Click Sight Blue
ARE Magnetic Arrowrest
Shibuya DX Plunger Blue
Doinker 4" Extender
Beiter 90 x 0 V-bar
Easton Limb Bolt
Cartel Alum/Carbon Side Rods 12"
Cartel Alum/Carbon Long Rod 29"
Doinker Top Weight
Angel Finger Tab Type 2
Beiter Arm Guard
BCY Dyneema '02 String, Brownell Braided End Serving, BCY Halo Center Serving

ok..maybe abit too much information. anyway..the bow is a beast. it's by far the toughest bow i used. also the best feeling. it's difficlt to control and hold the tension. it stacks like mad..any slack in tension and it'll make you pay dearly. BUT..when executed properly..there's no where it'll go except the gold. it's all the archer's fault. when used properly..the bow is a charm to shoot. it throws itself out forcefully in a straightline. quiet. very little vibrations. balances well. point, stretch and let it work. now all i need is some time and alot of training.

i am confident that once i can comfortably use this bow, i will make my dream come true.

met up with my brother and sister saturday night. had a good time catching up. enjoy their company alot..nothing we cannot talk about.=) make my year. thanks for all the love. hope we get to meet up more..

i am a person who may forgive, but almost never forgets what hurts me. i am not asking for anything anymore. i did what i could, what i thought was right at that point of time. i am me. i am moving on..taking life as it comes. take care, be well.

ken, nearly defeated by the ultra extreme. that thing got to learn who's boss.

'天　天空可見飛鳥..
驚慌展翅飛舞　穿梭天際只想覓自由..'-Beyond

me..?

You are the Justice card. Justice preserves the
harmony of the world. Working with opposite
forces, Justice does not seek to criticize or
condemn but rather to accept. The idea behind
the card justice is that opposite forces are
complementary; you could not have good without
evil or light without darkness. Justice's
position is to make sure that if a thing is out
of balance, the weight of its energy is
realigned with its opposite force. This card is
also a card of humour, for it is in pointing
out contrary positions that humour is often
found. The attitude that is found in the
humourous person, being able to shift
perspective and flow with an instinct, is
important in the maintenance of good balance.
Image from The Blue Moon Tarot Deck.
http://www.themysticeye.com/pics/bluemoon.htm


Which Tarot Card Are You?
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有夢有朋友

when i am feeling low i tend to be short-tempered and moody. but then..don't most people..?

been feeling down lately..but not really bad tempered or moody..mostly. =) trying to just be in the now. to do whati am suppose to do..even though i am tired..mentally and physically. not bad..like the way things turn out.. just feeling abit neglected by myself..haha..should be resting more then.

feelings abit mixed and unstable. trudge on.

i know i can do it. just need to work on it more. with more focus and effort. i will do it. for dreams!

my friends, my dreams. they make up my life. motivates me. lifts me up.

'明天的天空　因為有夢有朋友
心靈的翅膀才能飛得久
有夢有朋友　有汗有笑有淚滴
都會是一生溫暖的回憶'-伍思凱,優客李林

vending machine

sometimes i feel like i am/want to be one.

it's like this. i hope i can be of help to others to make thier lifes better/happier..somewhat anyway..and sometimes i'm not like that at all. anyway..it's like you come to me..tell me what you need/want..then i dispense if i can. just a kind of random thought.

so..if you need anything..can ask me. i'll provide if i can. ask and thou shall recieve..sometimes.=)

valentine's day. is there a big deal? not to me. it's just fun to watch some people trying to please some others. i'm quite fevil..hehe.. but anyway..busy at work cause of it..i think. anyway..hope everyone had a nice day. and have a nice day everyday..everyday is special. cherish it. not only this or that day.

i love you all. even if i don't show it. if you need..i'll be there. remember me kindly..

day of the living dead

totally stoned and brain dead today. haha..

have not played majong for a long time already and saturday night play till sunday morning then went to training. so dead. it was fun playing and talking cock. won abit of money..like really little bit..but the money is not important. it's the fun.

shooting was horrid today. couldn't figure out why till i asked to shoot 30m. then discovered that my centering was off. tried to center it again, only to find that it couldn't be done. then only did i realise that i did not tighten the screw to hold it in place. wasted the whole morning shooting shit. after which in the afternoon did abit better at 30m. but was really dead head. shoot three ends then sleep awhile then shoot more then sleep then shoot. tilli got the feeling quite right then went back to 70m. shot alright. will go at it after being properly rested and all. i can do this!

been fine these days. chinese new year been quite happening compared to other years. went visiting around friends houses and cooking at home. played two nights of majong. pretty fun la. but also sian at some stuff. outstanding stuffs. but i guess it's not within my control, so alli got to do is control myself.

hope everyone is doing alright. hope everyone had fun. after this break, will be chionging all the way liao. think everyone need to be more disciplined about what to do this year. seems like got lots of people i know who are having an important year. so..my friends..let get ready to rock and roll.=)

to infinity and beyond!

'but it’s been no bed of roses
no pleasure cruise -
i consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
and i ain’t gonna lose -'-Queen

know what..?

if you don't understand, don't comment.
it pisses me off.
what makes you think i am refering to that?
feels as if you never understood even alittle.
thought you do.
but time and again i am proven wrong.
all you do is assume. wrongly.
stop it. you don't understand. at all.

blast from the past

missing someone badly. her smile, her laugh, her jokes and clever remarks. seems like not so long ago. seems like yesterday.

but all have changed. i don't even have the courage. i don't even know what i want. lonely. survivable. gapping hole. waiting to be filled once again.

so many things have changed. yet i remain.

pained-ken
blasted by memories.

'my shadow's the only one that walks beside me..
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating..
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me..
till then i walk alone..

i'm walking down the line..
that divides me somewhere in my mind..
on the border line..
of the edge and where i walk alone..

read between the lines..
what's fucked up and everything's alright..
check my vital signs..
to know i'm still alive and i walk alone..'-Greenday

ticking

argh..it's chinese new year and i am feeling pissed off.

no idea why, really. it's like today was fine. cook lunch and ate and some relatives came over and talked some and hang out some. nothing much. then went over to monica's house with daryl and later tianfeng and andrew and clint and wei peng went too. played some tai tee. then after which on the way home, i felt pissed and angry. no idea why. was a pretty ok day i suppose..

it's like a deep seated anger. like the magma under a volcano. raging and waiting to come out.

feeling more lonely these days. being in the businese of helping people makes me more lonely i guess. letting people be who they are and helping them when they need. hope i am doing the right thing.

lots of interesting theories in constantine. should watch it with an open mind. if you are not open to more alternate concepts of god and heaven and hell, then stay the fuck away from it. i hope i don't get to listen to someone telling me that the show potrayal of thigns are wrong. it's a show.

what am i missing?

mixed

first and foremost, sorry gabriel. i hit you hard and with no good reason. really sorry..was pissed and smsed you the reasons already. be well..next time i help you massage.

feeling irritated. lots of people whom i dislike. the kind of people. friends you know what kind i dislike. was edgy and near exploding. IF, i had a sword.. .. anyway, glad it's over. and i should be more tolerant of fidiots, fassholes, fosers and suchs..

i know i am flawed. greatly flawed, though i try. there can be no perfect action, only perfect intentions. and i have never intended anything other than perfection in anythng i do. but i am only human and i err. please forgive me. i try. i do.

lunar new year. chinese new year. mom not home. oh well..going to shoot if there's nothing else to do. should be pretty boring.

still quite sianZed. it's like things are normal, and i hoping for more. abit lost as to what i really want. doing what i can..

tick tock
tick tock
endlessly
working

'and i made a vow somewhere,somehow..
that i would rise above..'-Jackie Cheung

blog talk

camyy : haha..i'm like that sometimes..thanks for the offer of tea..but it's caffinated and as a sportsperson i refuse to take caffine..haha..nevermind me..i'm o.k.

if its me u refer 2 : it's kind of to all who have been here and there when i'm down and out..you are probably one of those..=)

hoho : if you are reading this..hmm..ok if you are not you won't even s@@..but anyway..take things easier..do what you can and do your best..the only person you can control is yourself..let the Fassholes be Fassholes..you just do your best..

snow. wolf. lake.

did anyone watched it? it was THE MOST BEAUTIFUL musical i ever watched. i remembered at the opening scene, when jackie cheung came out to sing 'bu4 lao3 de3 chuan2 suo1', i just wept at the wonderful sound and sight. then at the end, when it all ends in tragedy, again i wept. hai..wish i could watch it again..

anyway..the point is not that i am sissy or gay. the point is that the musical is really very nice and i really like the story though it ends horridly..like tragic. beautifully tragic..

done some things which have been outstanding for long time liao..so feeling abit better..and well..guess slowly getting sick of feeling down..so getting up and about again..which is good.

chinese new year around the corner. pretty boring. gets worse as i get older i think..relatives not really friendly..just shwoing gestures of politeness..and this time round my mom is not around..so nothing to do..no one to talk to..guess i'll shoot..haha..life-less..

yearning for something. something is seriously missing in my life.it's quite saddening sometimes..quite irritating sometimes..i'm such a fool.

thanks for being here and listening to me and my stories.
thanks for going out and supping.
thanks for chatting online.
thanks for caring from far away.

dreaming still.
wishing still.
doing what i can.
but what can i do?

原來只要共你活一天
凡塵裡一切可以別掛念
[凡塵裡一切可再不掛念]
原來海角天際亦會變
原來生過死過深愛亦無變
原來只要共你活一天
完全去把你所有都發現
原來只要相信便看見
原來給你真愛的我是無悔 是每一天-Jackie Cheung's Snow, Wolf, Lake

if wishes were fishes..

in quite some pain now. emotionally and mentally. kind of put myself through this. i know i can put it aside if i want to, but just want to be from what i feel. weird? i agree.

so many things outstanding but cannot put myself to do some of them..slowly catching up with work. but..mood is quite lacking. though still doing.

i don't even know how to start to descrbe how i feel at the moment. it's like yearning and in pain. things are fine though. maybe it's REALLY the lack of shooting, but then again..probably not only.

burn..let me burn..
..then i can fade away..

time have passed

birthdays to some friends. and more to come this month.

brother(you know who you are)-happy birthday. thanks for alot of things, of which i will repay when i can. got to meet up someday to chatch up again man. be well and have fun!

bingxi-happy birthday dude. sorry ain't got time to meet up with you for so long. plenty of things that i want to do and so little time. will do so when i take some break. have fun and take care.

wenli-happy brthday! hope you had fun at the party. hope this wil be a good year for you!!

huimin-hey! stay cheerful girl! it's quite sianZ to s@@ you sianZ. if you need to talk or anything, don't forget mr ang is always around to help.

birthdays ain't much to me. though to most it's a joyous occasion and therefore i would like to be able to add to the joy of people around.

have not been shooting cause i am without my equipment and it's causing me to be irritable and frustrated. everytime i go for somedays without training, i get short-tempered and high-strung, like going cold turkey from drugs. haha..it's better than before actually. anyway really want to shoot and train. time is not enough as it is already. for dreams!

started coaching RJ, kinda. fun people. trials were fine, other than the fact that we have too many short listed people and got to cut it down by about half. so anyway, more things to do and handle. which is good i guess.

feeling generally down. lots of small things. shooting(the lack of actually), people around me, work load, outstanding things to settle..and myself. perhaps too critical of myself, but i want to be better at the things i do. at everything i do. so much so that i kind of become impartial to somethings. wondering if that's good, but who's to tell me otherwise?

i want to have no wants. seriously though, do i? or do i want so much that i shy away from it?

walking alone.
sandy plains.
overcast skies.
seeking. searching.

*changing*

note to all who reads or just happen to passed by.

used to have movie titles as titles and taglines as first lines. as well as lyrics to end it. and somewhat structured. but that's all going away.

it's too restricting. it's taking too much time. it's difficult to find things that can truely represents feelings, though most of it are damn close.

now things are going to be random. if i can find a title of a show which can potrait my feelings and thoughts, it shall be. else it'll just be however i feel like it should be.

ali

the champ is here!

liked the show alot. the flair of ali. the confidence, the desire to be the best, the commitment and the spirit of the things he did. the way he fought, in and out of the ring. the way he played, the way he trained. inspiring to me.

i wish i could be just as commited. i know i can, at the expense of other things. some of which i cannot forgo at the moment. trying to balance out. to do my best. to be the champ in my life.

so many obstacles. so many things pulling me back. so many excuses.

all i need is just to do what i want. stay on target.

need something to drive me on when i lose focus. maybe it's just in me.

confused. lost. tired and sad.

know what i want. know what i need to do. lacking drive. need a lift.

drive-ken
what can drive a person?

'i’m gonna work the straw..
make the sweat drip out of every pore..
and i'm bleeding, and i'm bleeding, and i’m bleeding..
right before the lord..
all the words are gonna bleed from me and i will think no more..
and the stains coming from my blood..
tell me go back home..'-White Stripes

dead man walking

so much may go on inside a person's head. who really knows..

back from thailand. the trip was so many things. fun, tiring, sad, exciting, lovely, challenging, eye-opener.. .. alot of emotions this trip. alot of things went on in my mind while i went about things. helped people. made things alright, i hope.

shooting was alright. not as good as i hoped, but well, i'll get back to it.

i really want to ask. to pursue till i know what is happening. really want to care, to love, to be there. but i think it better for me to stay aside while things go on. i worry, i bother, i think, i care. but everyone have to face their own problems. i'll be here to catch if you need. remember me.

feeling totally empty. just like when she left me. so damn difficult. i think i am falling, deeper. i will go to work, go to coach, go to shoot and continue to care and take care of everyone else. for dreams of better tomorrow? though i know it's the same and will be the same. cause the truth is there in front of my eyes, yet i go on in this direction.

no mood to do anything actually. want to break down again. to break off from everyting. in bangkok, i think i had few worries compared to back home, so i was happier. and of course had really good time with the few people i really hanged out with. really wacky and totally fun.

i think i passed the point of no return. where there is no way out for me. unless someone let's me out. only hurt remains. till someone take me out. i feel too weak to get out alone.

pass-ken
passed by, ken.

'wishing you were somehow here again...
wishing you were somehow near...
sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here...'-Phantom of the Opera

lain

close this world. open the NeXT.

internet's been out for a while. lost touch with news and archery happenings. but life goes on. pretty much like when my handphone took a swim and drowned, doesn't really affect me. it affected others who are trying to contact me more.

anyway, life's pretty normal now. work pretty good. coaching pretty good. shooting pretty good. hope i can stay consistant. then i'll be alright for this year at least.

going overseas for a shoot. pretty excited. pretty sian. got lots of things to take care of. but i need a break.

it's just not right. something's missing. i want to find it. but..how? who can help me? it's a kind of feeling. something..weird..it makes you ballistic. makes you feel all-powerful. nothing can go wrong. sways you like nothing else does. how?

look-ken
look. ken is looking.

'i can hear the sounds of violins..
long before it begins..
make me thrill as only you know how..
sway me smooth, sway me now..'-Michael Bubble

braveheart

every man dies, not every man really lives.

do you dare follow where your heart tells you to go? do you dare live your life the way you want it? dare to give up things you always enjoyed/wanted/relied on for something you dreamt of? life is short and unexpected. it have twists and turns that no one can s@@. do we live for the now and dare to go boldly where we want? or do we play safe and make safe guards as best as we can?

another day passes by..another year. still i seem stuck at this stage where i am not bad but not good enough. have some but not enough. i do my best, try my best. what else must i do?

i give when i can. do what i thnk best. treat people as best as i can. who am i really?

don't really know why i feeling down again. not really depressed..just kind of irritated at myself and feeling lost and lonely. tired.

some people i knew went to send supplies up to thailand. some people i know went indonesia as medical team. some people i know going thailand as medical team. some poeple i know couldn't care less. people.

by orders or by their own will most people reach out to give when tragady befalls. it's heartening to s@@ people unite and support each other in times of great needs. but as these efforts are made, there are already some in indonesia aceh who are back on political track to push for independence. violence right after being chastised by nature. blinded by reasoning? no longer loving and feeling. human, no more. so many of us humans are born human, but lost our humanity and compassion.

we all die. but who lived? are you living? am i living?

living-ken
alive and dying. but not dead yet.

'that long black cloud is comin' down..
i feel like i'm knockin' on heaven's door..'Bob Dylan

*updates*

life is pretty sedated. new year means not much to me. just another day. anyway just to point everyone wp happens by here to lookie at http://bladehelix.blogspot.com/. as usual wonderful post and some very good links. wish i could be as clear as he is when i write. haha..but guess i am not made for that.

wish everyone have a good year, day by day, moment by moment. live life to the fullest.

love-ken
love all.

'what's wrong with the world, mama
people livin' like they ain't got no mamas
i think the whole world addicted to the drama
only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
but we still got terrorists here livin'
in the USA, the big CIA
the Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
but if you only have love for your own race
then you only leave space to discriminate
and to discriminate only generates hate
and when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
badness is what you demonstrate
and that's exactly how anger works and operates
man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
take control of your mind and meditate
let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

people killin', people dyin'
children hurt and you hear them cryin'
can you practice what you preach
and would you turn the other cheek

father, father, father help us
send us some guidance from above
cause people got me, got me questionin'
where is the love (Love)

where is the love (the love)
where is the love (the love)
where is the love
the love, the love

it just ain't the same, always unchanged
new days are strange, is the world insane
if love and peace is so strong
why are there pieces of love that don't belong
nations droppin' bombs
chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
with the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
so ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
so I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
in this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
a war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
the truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
if you never know truth then you never know love
where's the love, y'all, come on (i don't know)
where's the truth, y'all, come on (i don't know)
where's the love, y'all

people killin', people dyin'
children hurt and you hear them cryin'
can you practice what you preach
and would you turn the other cheek

father, father, father help us
send us some guidance from above
cause people got me, got me questionin'
where is the love (love)

where is the love (the love)
where is the love (the love)
where is the love
the love, the love

i feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
as I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
most of us only care about money makin'
selfishness got us followin' our own direction
wrong information always shown by the media
negative images is the main criteria
infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
kids act like what they see in the cinema
yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
whatever happened to the fairness in equality
instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
that's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
that's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
there's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

people killin', people dyin'
children hurt and you hear them cryin'
can you practice what you preach
and would you turn the other cheek

father, father, father help us
send us some guidance from above
cause people got me, got me questionin'
where is the love (love)

where is the love (the love)
where is the love (the love)
where is the love (the love)

where is the love (the love)
where is the love (the love)
where is the love (the love) '-Black Eye Peas, My fave song for 2004

deep impact

oceans rise. cities fall. hope survives.

tsunami. something i never thought i'll hear other than in a tale of long ago and far away. the casualties. the devastation. the people who lost their loved ones. lost their homes. lost their dreams.

it is the holiday season and people are suppose to be enjoying time with their loved ones. i am afraid to watch the news too much. i know i will weep and be affected. i am saddened by the lost of lives. the dispair of those who lost their loved ones. families and friends missing or dead. little children orphaned. hopes dashed away in the torrents. dreams shattered. lifes uprooted.

the 'civilised' world leave so much to be angry about. the super powers, spends BILLIONS on weopons and 'stealth satellites' and all kinds of shit and donate some millions to these people who are dead, dying, lost everything. that is at a factor of about 100s. people are worried about how they are going to spend the new year and things they are going to get. analyst immediatly states that the impact on the countries economy is minimal. at this time when more than 55,000, FIFTY FIVE THOUSANDS!!!, are dead and probably MILLIONS are homeless, these people worry about economy. about the rich country exploiting the poor countries' cheap labor and resources.

i wish i could do something. i have no money to give. i have nothing to give. and i cannot leave things here to go. even if i wanted, what can i do? anguished at the uselessness of i. i cannot even take good care of myself..

sedated about life. pretty normal. things getting on track. just..maybe hoping for more? will get more when i let myself i guess. haha..not everything we want..we will get. come what may. who knows what tomorrow brings. i'm sure the people who lost themselves or loved ones did not think this could happen to them. have a friend who was there and luckily unhurt or otherwise affected. close call.

the survivors are the sufferers. blessed are those who passed on, for they are rested. we alive carrys memories of those who passed from this life, carry on hurting and having dreams broken. hope those who are still there gets their life back on track and be able to move on stronger.

not really making sense i think. just hope they get the help they need and are able to rebuild their lives from this disaster.

senseless-ken
so many things are senseless. not only me.

'oh think twice, it's another day for you and me in paradise,
oh think twice, it's just another day for you, you and me in paradise..
oh think twice...
oh lord, is there nothing more anybody can do,
oh lord, there must be something you can say..'-Phil Collins

this boy's life

you don't usually get what you want.

days been rather nice these days. though feels as if something missing, still staying pretty cheerful and doing what i can to improve myself. things can always get better..or worse. it's good that it's not really getting any worse right now. i guess i am still fragile. still afraid. still wanting..

met some great people on boxing day. knew about half of them before this meet..but guess we all mixed pretty well. had fun learning and talking. training and teaching. just being rather comfortable with each other and hanging out. got slight injury from some activities..but will heal..just a new place to get injured..guess i'll have to learn to protect it better..it hurt rather alot and impede my movements.

saw a rainbow today. was shooting and when starting to pack up there was this huge rainbow across the sky. was drizzling abit when we were shooting and got heavier when we were packing. shooting was fine..normal..need to get stronger..get more stamina.

days are not really packed. life is not really meaningful. doing things..but discontentment. is this all to life? working and surviving? wishing and wanting? what's next?

more-ken
anything more for ken?

'far away, long ago,
glowing dim as an ember,
things my heart used to know,
things it yearns to remember...-Deana Carter

finding forrester

a good drama about finding your way in (and back out) of the world.

was a nice show..enjoyed it thoroughly. showed that talent and hardwork may not be enough sometimes. you need someone to help you, to nuture you, to guide you and maybe to stand up for you.

for all that you can, maybe you just don't believe it. and you need someone to believe enough to take you seriously. to bring your best out. to show you what you can do.

had fun today..great dinner..great friends..total indulgance night..haha..well..guess it's great to have people around who just let you be who you are and just chill. also met some of my poly friends..catch up some. near christmas and all..haha..kind of like a movie..

anyways..is happier these day. i think i let alot of things go. still slightly missing somethings..but now more forward looking rather than squatting in the past. it's comfortable to wallow in self-pity. to be self-centered.. sOoo..like now..enough. let's get to do what i want.

tough time at work. new stuff to learn. not fast enough and not confident enough. will do my best everyday i work. disppointing that i cannot really handle it..but will try..

shooting not so good. with added responsibilities at work..and longer hours. by the time i get to shooting am already quite tired..but well..will adjust and try my best too..haha..just do what i can. be who i want to be. do my best and leave it up to whatever.

paradigm shift. all it takes is a shift in perception and midset. s@@ the world through different eyes. s@@ yourself differently. things are factually the same as before, only that now i feel able to handle and go on and cope with it.

shift-ken
who shifted my ken?

'don't you understand, what you thought i wouldn't come again..
leave you hangin' without bringin' you the fun again..
tanglin' with the alien scum again..
mind your manners or the black suits runnin' in..'-Will Smith

something to believe in

thank you, my brother.

what you told me some time ago is now what drives me on. we all need seomthing to believe in to keep us going in tough times. and now i guess i found mine. i believe in creating the future.

the past is gone. i have made many terrible mistakes. i will never forget nor forgive myself. i am sorry for everything. i truely am. but i got to move on. i got to be who i want to be.

after being afraid and depressed for quite sometimes already, now i suddenly feel as if i s@@ clearer.

today went to the range after work and started to get ready to shoot. before that i was quite apprehensive about shooting, having done not as well as i should for the previous shoot and having plentiful of worries on my mind. but once i started plucking the string of my bow, i felt as if a great deal of strss left me.

the weather was fine. not too hot or cold or windy. the range was not crowded neither was it empty. my mind cleared. i focused on what i wanted to do. what i wanted to improve. and worked on it. shooting wasn't great. not much improvement in scores or grouping, but i felt good shooting. felt good doing my best and focusing.

in that few hours i felt in the zone. being in the now. the days without caffine and having enough rest? or was it no music to alter my mood? whatever it was..i stood there and shot. i was intent on every shot. could feel every shot. what went wrong and what to do to fix was clear in my mind.

that is a feeling, no, a mindset i must try to reproduce. to be doing my best, to be focused. to show that the best in me is yet to come. through all the losses. all that i done wrong. all that i never did or did well enough. i want to be better. and so i will. to be better.

all these from a few words of encouragement from my brother. whom i know silently from far away, cares for me. and my sister as well. i love you two. we may be far apart, but we are always together.

finally understanding what they s@@ in me. finally understanding thoroughly what i want from myself. this is the me i want to be. the best is yet to come.

finally-ken
the me i want.

'deep within each heart..
there lies a magic spark..
that lights the fire of our imagination..
and since the dawn of man..
the strenght of just "i can"..
has brought together people of all nations.

there's nothing ordinary..
in the living of each day..
there's a special part..
every one of us will play..

feel the flame forever burn
teaching lessons we must learn
to bring us closer to the power of the dream

as the world gives us its best..
to stand apart from all the rest..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..
your mind will take you far..
the rest is just pure heart..
you'll find your fate is all your own creation..

every boy and girl..
as they come into this world..
they bring the gift of hope and inspiration..

feel the flame forever burn..
teaching lessons we must learn..
to bring us closer to the power of the dream..

the world unites in hope and peace..
we pray that it will always be..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..

there's so much strength in all of us..
every woman child and man..
it's the moment that you think you can't..
you'll discover that you can..

feel the flame forever burn..
teaching lessons we must learn..
to bring us closer to the power of the dream..

the world unites in hope and peace..
we pray that it will always be..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..

feel the flame forever burn..
teaching lessons we must learn..
to bring us closer to the power of the dream..

the world unites in hope and peace..
we pray that it will always be..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..

the power of the dream..
the faith in things unseen..
the courage to embrace your fear..
no matter where you are..
to reach for your own star..
to realize the power of the dream..'-Celine Dion, 1996 Atlanta Olympics.

die hard

dead.

could have been better. could have been worse. life as it is again. feels hopeless. feels angry at myself. want to be more. want to be all i can.

but life place so much demands. i cannot be myself most of the time, doing what i want or just doing what i can. oft times have to do more. and more and more..

disappointed. could be so much more.

tired. totally out. 96 hours. i slept total less than 16 hours. so close to hallucianting..i can almost feel it.

out-ken
out to find ken.

'like a clown i put on a show..
the pain is real even if nobody knows..
now I'm cryin' inside..
and nobody knows it but me..'-Babyface

il mio nome è nessuno

what does it matter what i think? what i want?

does not matter. there's a job to be done, i do it as best as i can. i am a fool. but i made a promise and i will do my best.

i am so tired. mentally and physically. neither the strength nor spirit to go on.

what i want for christmas? i want to be happy. i want to rest. i want you.

never liked festivals nor birthdays. though i know the significance, just doesn't do it for me. no matter does it?

really feel like freezing up like i did when my world turned up-side down. just want to freak out and shut down and go into depression. i can't. so many things reply on me. so many people, friends.

angry. raging fire. damn mad. a fury that i don't know what it will thurn me into. yet, a coldness. an emptiness that i don't know how to fill. even after sleeping on the floor without blanket and bathing in cold water, i feel colder inside. want to scream. want to cry. want to break down and be comforted.

thank you for being here. thank you for caring. i don't know what to say or do. thank you.

love makes fools of us all.

fool-ken
little big fool? big little fool? big fool.

'and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive.'-Goo Goo Dolls

lost in translation

everybody wants to be found.

everyone wants to be loved and wanted. everyone wants to be heard and understood. we all need somebody sometimes. we all need to be alone sometimes. but alot of things, thoughts, emotions, ideas, gets lost in translation. we are all misunderstood. we are all lost somehow.

i know that even though i am down and sian and tired and pretty confused, i know i am not the only one. plenty of people out there who are in worse state. i hope we all be strong and pull through whatever shit we are going through. it's not easy. it's not simple. but as long as we hang in there, we'll be alright. do our best. whatever shit will be shit. we just be us.

so many things on my mind still. so many things to do still. doing what i can. feel like taking a long break. but i know i cannot. need to catch up on lots of things. tiring. sick of it. but just do my best and hope.

been confused about plenty of stuff. but glad that sometimes i can bring joy to people. that people rely on me and trust me for things. am very glad that i can help out with things. it's like though i lose myself sometimes, someone else finds a part of me and show it to me. i may be skeptical about it, but time and again if i am shown the same thing, i guess i have to believe that i am such. i want to be better, to be well and be able to help people. to make people happy and s@@ them through tough times. to be there for my friends and family and everyone whom i know.

i may not be strong enough sometimes. i hope i can be strong enough for those who trust me to help them. i'll pull through and be better.

stronger-ken
that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

'the hopes we had were much too high,
way out of reach but we have to try..
no need to hide no need to run,
cause all the answers come one by one..
the game will never be over,
because we're keeping the dream alive..'-Freiheit

simple wish

simple wish..is any wish simple?

i really wish for somthing..though i try hard to be the best i am..though i want it..i am afraid. do you understand that kind of feeling?

i really wish i could help..i really wish i am there..i really wish certain things never happened. wishes are just that..wishes. what can anyone do to change the past? what can anyone do to help another?

wishes. hopes. wants. 'i shall not want.' though i want, i do not need. confused person i am.

not much here. too confused to be put into words. some irritation. some anger. some pissedness. quite abit of sadness. quite alot of tiredness. little bit of gladness.

do-ken
do what i do and go on.

'but you can say baby..
baby can I hold you tonight.
maybe if I told you the right words..
at the right time..
you’d be mine..'-Tracy Chapman

catch me if you can

true story of a real fake.

how many of our lives are like this i wonder. still just a kid who needs to get away from something bad, who doesn't know the consequences of things. but in this world that's so real..does it matter why you do certain things? or it's just the results that counts? and usually against you.

perhaps again i am in a pensive mood. more demoralised. more tired. more confused. no more thinking. too tired to even think properly. thoughts keep gettting discontinued by other thoughts. guess i'll have to rest properly.

reading what i typed in the past, i realised what a friend told me was quite true. though yet she don't really know me. then again it's my thought that no one can truely know anyone. so, this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts, my way. post anything in the comment if you wish. thank you.

these days been pretty alright. just tired. work and shoot and plan for the coming competition. shooting got a real boost from 'an' and 'al'..they helped me with my setup and shooting style. now all i need is to get used to it. it's not really different, but they made me realise what to focus on more. really helped..many thanks to them.

other aspects of my life seems non-existance. don't know what, don't know anything. other aspects? do i have other things in my life? i wish. i really wish.

catch-ken
will any one catch, if i fall?

'can’t we give ourselves one more chance,
why can’t we give love that one more chance,
why can’t we give love.
cause love’s such an old fashioned word,
and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night,
and love dares you to change our way of
caring about ourselves..'- Queen

great expectations

let desire be your destiny.

what do you desire? do you know what you want in life?

days like yesterday and today are far and few in my life. after work just do what i felt like doing. went to shoot some yesterday. just wanted to, no stress. then happened to fix some major part of my shooting problem. pretty happy. then met an old friend to have dnner. had a great time eating and chatting. walking around past midnight around marina area. esplanade, marina square, oreintal hotel, pan pacific hotel then suntec. talked about lotsa stuff..walk around..chilling out. so comfortable with her. understanding and thoughtful and her insightfulness is amazing sometimes, but her blurness sometimes is also darn amazing. haha.. just do what we wanted to. such a great friend is certainly hard to find.

today just went for lunch with a good friend and chill out awhile..went home change to go cc. did nothing much..just joked and relaxed. shoot other people's bow and had fun trying to be samuria-y. haha..

hai..though pretty happy, still feel as if something is missing from my life.. a missing piece making me incomplete. no idea what i need. i know my desire, my dreams. working towards it, but..just not happy. not even really contented. no idea what to do. just do what i do and try to be who i want to be..that's all i can do i suppose.

things are more sedated now..more settled down..kind of..hope things start to go better..then i can start learning new things and start saving again and all that..

alot of things in my mind still..but learning how to tune them out. since i cannot really do anything about them. wish. hope. dream.

still tired..still trudging on. still..same..when i think about stuff..i become..broKEN again. don't know what to do about it. don't know why i am like this. don't even know why anymore..

why-ken
don't know why..

'every whisper..of every waking hour..
i'm choosing my confessions..
trying to keep an eye on you..
like a hurt lost and blinded fool..'-REM

grosse fatigue

dead tired.

so many things to do..so little time..so little energy.. so many things i hope to be well..so many people i worry about.. so i should take care of myself more.. knowing me..tough..others always come before me in my life..so dumb.

been tired for so long..taking break from things..still tired..think i need a longer break..but time and work don't allow for it..rest not enough..need to earn money..need to train..time all gone..

always thought about thirty hours wil be just nice.. sleep two periods of five hours..then got two period of ten hours to do things..eat four meals..muahah..

so anyway..taking a short break..taking things as easy as i can..trying to chill out..but can feel as if more things coming my way and will get more hectic..oh well..overcometh.!

dream on. dare to fulfill dreams of mine. now alot of my fight will be with myself..my mind..must learn to let myself go.

against-ken
nope..go with it..flow..

'how does it feel (how does it feel)
how does it feel
how does it feel
when you’re alone
and you’re cold inside..'-Micheal Jackson

long day's journey into night

journey without purpose..other than the journey itself.

took a walk around places. just walked around and go where i felt like going. no music in my ears. nothing holding me back or calling me home. walk around..listening to the sounds and looking at the sights.

went esplanade, stopped half way to s@@ people doing break-dancing and sitting around doing nothing..some people studying..some people just hanging around. probably contemplating some life changing stuff..then again..maybe not.

walked to the second-world war memorial for the civilians who suffered under the japanese occupation. as i got close to it, i felt a tinge of sadness. the looming pillars and the urn in the center. the slight drizzle and the surrounding buildings. there were some tourist taking pictures. i wonder if they felt the sadness i felt, the meaning of the monument.

then went to esplanade itself. wanted to go up to the roof terrence. but cause of the rain no one is allowed there. walked around esplanade. the library makes me want to go there to chill out, to read a book, to learn new things. time doesn't allow me now. but i will start learning things and reading soon..when things are more settled. so many interesting things there. people, displays, music, stores..but there is only so many times you can walk around an area so small and still stay interested in everything. 'the only limitation is that of vision.'-(i forgot who, will fill in when i s@@ again.)

then went to suntec to take a bus home. so many people went to the motor show and came out with their big bags. and most of them look too young to even be legal age to drive. trip home was uneventful.

reached home, went online, chatted for awhile then cartel called to ask me to help fix computer. went to help. spent hours fixing and updating and setting it so it should have less problemos.. chatted with the main manager and the operation manager, they are quite fun people i guess, but f&b people always have a few faces. anyway, not my problem. i do my job, try to help. things get ugly, leave. not as if got high pay or anything holding me back. they treated me to pizzahut for fixing the stuff. pretty good. had fun there. one waitress, probably new, got traumatized by us the three experienced f&b personells. kept asking her for things and she don't know what to do. oh well. probably why i have accidente.

when i was cycling home, forgot about a chain in between poles at a junction..cycled straight into it. at about 50km/h. flew and got cuts and bruised. damn pain. cannot walk for long minutes. and as expected from singaporean. no one came forward to s@@ if i needed help. just walking past and staring. oh well..slowly sat down to check myself for more injuries. slowly got up to walk again. slowly sat down again as i felt dizzy. slowly sat up and walked again. slowly cycled back home. no one noticed i was hurt at home.

there's my day. my first day of slacking in a few weeks.

not really feeling better. no idea about alot of stuff still. but i know things will get better. all i have to do is keep trying. keeping the faith i have in myself, in what i am doing. sis called yesternight. bro smsed her telling her to talk to me cause i seem to have problems. still, after so many years, my 'family' knows me best. they know the problems i face without asking. they know what i need and why. they know me better than myself. thing is nothing i can do about the problems i face. the ball is not on my court, unless i stop caring altogether. even though sometimes i wish i can, i know i cannot. i care too much for my own good. really? i don't know man. i'll just be myself and hope for the best.

SAFSA competition on saturday. did alright. had fun. but was totally drained. mentally and emotionally. so many things i drag along. don't know how to let go. but after the past two days, letting things out, letting me break down, things seem better, if just abit distant. will be alright again soon. i know me. will fall but don't stay down for long.

so there's my life these few days. still the same, yet slightly different. oh well. come what may, i'll be me still. i still care. i still will do what i do.

still-ken
same ken. again.

'all day staring at the ceiling,
making friends with shadows on my wall.
all night hearing voices telling me,
that I should get some sleep,
because tomorrow might be good or something..'-Matchbox Twenty

seul contre tous

i stand alone.

in the end..we are all alone. through all these call life..we face death alone. who can acompany you? no one.

what do you care? if you are not staying, then just leave me alone. i am just a dumbass. boys are idiots, man are jerks. i am pretty much the biggest idiot. don't care. i don't want to care anymore. caring for others is killing me.

gone away to hell. it's a state of mind. and i am going there.

hell-ken
hell is not enough.

'you don't waste no time at all..
don't hear the bell but you answer the call.
it comes to you as to us all..
we're just waiting..
for the hammer to fall.
oh every night, and every day..
a little piece of you is falling away..
but lift your face, the western way..
build your muscles as your body decays.'-Queen

primal fear

deep, dark fear..

what do you fear the most? lack of attention? attention from the wrong kind of person? doing badly? living a life of unfulfilled dreams? fear..it grips us in it's chilling grip and drains our strength. makes us tremble at nothing but our own imagination. how many of us actually have no fear?

fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. and hate leads to suffering.

when we are angry most of the time it's due to fear. fear that someone cheated us. fear that we are not good enough. our fear makes us aggressive. this aggressiveness cause us to be angry at others or ourselves. and when we are angry we do stupid things. like throw phones. like bash things. like say mean things we don't mean to say. and that leads eventually to suffering.

no idea what this post is about. was angry which led me to think why was i angry. angry that others don't appreciate the things i did, i do. that my efforts was wasted. but that's out of my control already, something that i cannot change or control. no point being angry. so now i am no longer angry. just disappointed and tired.

things that comes easy are not treasured. only when they are gotten at a price and was fought for do people realise the worth of things. then again worth of things are matter of perspectives. oh well..

life is short. realisation when i first heard my good friend in secondary school past away few years back. seems like yesterday when we were out cycling and working and generally having fun. in this short span, at my age, i already know of a few school mates and friends who have passed on..and my cousin passed on just 2 weeks ago..cancer. he was 4?5? i don't even know him well..i really wanted to s@@ him next year when i go visit..wished i did this year..somehow it's disturbing. somehow it's comforting. i am not psychotic..yet..i know he is released from this torment called life.

the helplessness of efforts in life when measured against death. silient lord. takes us home.

the smallness of humans and our wars and money and computers and nuclear shit. 'advances' to kill ourselves faster.

every moment we live, we are dying. comtemplate that. are you living?

moments of joy and happiness. when our goals are acheived. when folks around us are happy and joyous. when our loved ones are well. that's what''s worth living for. what does your life meant to you? what do you live your life for? the small joy everyday that your family is well? the little things that makes our lives as it is. every up and down makes our life full. only when we do fall are we truely able to understand the joy of being lifted.

even the pause in a piece of music completes it. how do you live your life?

weird post again. guess i am in quite a somber mood. shot well today. best in months. good form, just abit weak. will train up and should be good. but moody. feel tired. tired of doing things for others. wondering why don't i love myself more. why don't i take care of myself more. know that i find myself unworthy. unworthy of blessings. unworthy of attention. yet i crave for it. how ironic. how damning.

fighting myself again. still learning to appreciate myself. trying to be at ease with who i am.

so many things not in my control. though i try..i can only guess at the results of my efforts. i wish..i hope..i will still go on..

our fight may be tough. but it's for our dreams. it's easy to love to win. but how many can love the battle..the fight..the challenge..the times when you fell and stood again..are you ready to be a champion? your own champion in your own life. you decide.

champion-ken
my life. me.

'lord knows, dreams are hard to follow..
but don't let anyone tear them away.
hold on, there will be tomorrow..
in time..you'll find the way.'-Mariah Carey

me, myself and i

the lightning bolt

verbally and mentally fluid, the lightning bolt is refreshing and illuminating to those around it. this is occasionally somewhat discounted by the obvious pleasure that these personalities take in exercising their mental acuity. although generally peaceful they can often take a verbally aggressive tact in relations with the world, which can often be misunderstood by those around them. to the lightning bolt this abstract contact is viewed as mere play; they rarely understand the attitude of those around them who can be offended or hurt by wild flights of verbal fancy or playfully intended barbs.

innovative in the extreme, the lightning bolt personalities can often think themselves right out of the correct answer to a given problem. many times they are referred to as their own worst enemies.

some personality test thing. interesting wouldn't you say?

anyhow..life is sedated..starting to recover from the sickness..still weak and moody. but getting better. will do what i need to do and do my best. looking on the bright side? nar..just trudging on.

excellence in everything. that is a life worth living.

worth-ken
worth it? definately.

'life is a road..and i want to keep going,
love is a river..i wanna keep flowing,
life is a road..now and forever,
wonderful journey..'-Donna Lewis and Richard Marx

*it's quite scary. how a little thing, like the name of a game we used to play together, can make me want to break down again.*

*random toughts*

i'm unwell. and crazy. sOo..?

queen sums it up nicely..'the show must go on..'

take a walk to padington square. look for padington bear in his raincoat and boots.

all that i tried, all that i done..amounts to nothing..? why..?

the chill grips my being again. i know the feeling. it's fear.

world's apart.

the Rach 3 is still strangely comforting.

dug a hole..dropped in..to dig further.

the colors of the world stopped being attractive. the music of souls refuses to sing. life is dreary..

i always fall sick at this time of the year.

this winter is the coldest i had..i think..

pachabel's cannon sounds so mocking now.

ignorance is bliss..? it's far more dangerous than you know..(slight intended)
--
what am i to do with myself?

too tense my boy..breath and relax..

if i could..i still wouldn't..hehe..

what drives me..?

hmm..now that i am here typing..there are not much thoughts..when i am just sitting not intending to type..plenty of thoughts..how irritating..

down and almost out..haiz..

no mood..no motivation..no idea..

being free and chilling is not healthy for me..i get moody..

miss old times..when things were simpler..now i cannot even decide what to do when i am free..no longer sure..in a way it's good..cause i seldom spend time just playing games and wasting time away..but it also create alot of problems as now i have things that i want to do..but unable to..

angry..i am angry deep inside..well hidden..haha..not so well hidden now that i typed it out..angry about myself..not being better..not being more..but what can i do?

so many things are wrong..yet nothing i can do about it. why we live life in face of so much wrongs?

as crazy as before..usual..just that now i feel it's healthier to let it out here..than let it cooped up inside me then finally explode and make people hurt..or worried..

much things to do..too little energy..too little time..sleep less get more time..but less energy. sleep more get more engery but less time..hehe..balance..

knowledge and skills..but not needed in this kind of life..hmmhmm..ironic..

bah..so many things i want to say..but..feel it's not right..and i really don't want to cause more than i already did..

as i lay myseplf to sleep..
i pray the lord my soul to keep..
if i die before i wake..
i pray the lord my soul to take..
lyrics from metallica's enter the sandman

i like prayers..the way they sound..but i don't ever pray..though sometimes..feel like doing so..but am still determined to live my life without aid of any kind from other beings..haha..sounds weird even as i think of the words to put them out..anyway..it's how i chose to live my life..

The LORD [is] my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

as i live my life as surely i know to be as good i can..though i have made much mistakes and some wrongs can never be redeemed or righted..i am sorry..

i shall not want..

to be able to rest comfortingly for a day would be blessing enough for me..seems forever since i had a good rest..

kind of like whining about my life and all..shall stop here..and try to rest..

hope all my friends near and far are all alright. as i been through deep dark halls, i know the need for a friend is great when the hour is late. don't hesitate to ask for a friend in me. i will be.

cast away

the worst thing about being lost, is missing the ones you love.

being sick, is sick. down and weak. unmotivated to do anything. even shooting seems sian. cannot do it properly. cannot execute properly. mentally pushing to do all i can. still..spirit is willing but the body is weak.

after another night of rest should be about 90% well..i hope. anyway will have to continue with training. next competition coming right up. and have not been doing any long distance at all. just shoot and s@@ how lar.

sOo..trapped. no idea what i can do. if i know, i would..or would i? hmm..well..that's a pointless question now, cause i don't think i can do anything. sOo..wait and s@@.

no mood for much things now. my mind is as messed up as my room. alot of things go in, then left there. never properly handle and taken care of. my mind..well..like lots of stuff i don't know what to do about and so are left there. and they will distract me from time to time. oh well..take time to settle them i guess.

another confused and confounded post. haha.. wish i may, wish i might, wish upon a star tonight..if my eyesight allows me to s@@ a star in singapore skies..hanging on. through everything..

dizzy-ken
ken is spinning around..lost his way.

'so never mind the darkness,
we still can find a way..
'cause nothin' lasts forever,
even cold november rain..'-Guns and Roses

burn

burning in so many ways.

fever at about 37.8 celsius. pretty sian. body hyper-sensitive and brain is like having a knife inside. the pain is killing me. mentally still fighting and burning. sub-consciously figuring out what's next.

planning stuff with some friends. pretty funny people. lots of fun and lots to learn.

nothing much to blog now. too many things on hold. patience is a virtue and i intend to cultivate it.

so much i wish for have turned sour. i can only wish for better tomorrows. i am me and this is the way i am. for all.

tomorrow-ken
ken now. ken tomorrow.

'something’s wrong,
shut the light.
heavy thoughts tonight,
and they aren’t of snow white..'-Metallica

phantom pain

pain is all in the head.

seriously, i think i am sick cause of mental stress again. too many things on my mind, that i cannot handle. and so my body screws up. damn i am so weak. slight cough, slight fever, weak body, flu-y, hyper-sensitive eveything, migraine and totally no appetite. life sucks so bad now..

why am i so stressed about things? hai..weak mind. things wil happen the way they will happen and i will be affected as will others and life will go on. stress is unnecessary. stress is ridiculus. haha. do my best and that's all. keep is simple. i will.

sorry if i cause concern again. just damn stressed up and all. thank you for your concern and all. i know i have many people who care. hmm..maybe not many, but..really..thank you all.

i miss you alot. i love you. my idea of love is weird, i know. it don't mean what many others mean with it. i am sorry about so many things. i wish i could do more. though i know i shouldn't. i love you. i miss you. and i..oh well..wussy ken.

up's and down's. i will be ok..again..eventually. take care everyone. worry about me not. we all need someone sometimes, just as we need to be alone sometimes. just that these times tend to get mixed up.

in fact my life is doing slightly better now. things are getting slightly better and i know my efforts are slowly showing. things getting easier at home side, i hope. shooting..alright..getting it..i feel. friends and all are not too good..but hope things get better for everyone. i am sorry if i am busy and cannot help more. but i am only a call away. i know how it feels to need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate.

stressed. tired. sick. out of control. sOo..go with the flow. relax. be calm. do what you can.

burning-ken
literally.

'tap on my window knock on my door.
i want to make you feel beautiful..'-Maroon 5

laugh, clown, laugh

clown stories are often sad ones..

sometimes..the jokers are the joke itself. those laughing are crying inside. those who help others need help the most. the strongest are the ones who are almost gone. sometimes..

learn all you can..then forget it. just use it. but don't think about it.

i really don't know what to blog here..damn alot of emotions now. about everything. confused. seriously i am confused. what the heck am i to do? who am i? ken? damn it. i don't know.

i seriously wish i am dead. feel as if i done all i can. no more to give. burn for others. made them believe their dreams. gave them the will to fight. taught them all i could. damn..let me rest..

what more am i suppose to do? i don't want to hurt anymore..hurt others as well as myself..

i will take care and cheirsh and make well all i can..then let it go. cause i am afraid. afraid to hurt. afraid that i will cause hurt.

feel that this world have no more place for me. and i also wish not a place. do i? i dont know. sorry.

this is why i hate..FUCKING HATE my birthday. makes me think about my life. myself. my worth. who am i? what am i? can i be better? had fun. thanks to all my friends. but at the end of it..i really don't know.

crawl to a dark corner and cry little boy..you are alone..you are powerless..for all you know and all you can do..you are nothing..

i don't believe in god. as in the ultimate being, no. in higher beings, different beings, yes.

why the hell did i type that..?

cause i wish someone, something can help me. can know me where i don't know myself at all. can let me cry and breakdown in a gentle embrace. to hold me when i fall..i feel like i am falling. bottom is coming right up.

year end. birthday. holiday season. new year. meaningless.

hate me. please. hate me enough to kill me.

dark patch of life again. nothing unusual i suppose..damn..tough times..difficult stuff..no way out..endure and persist..

i'll be ok..don't worry..i'll always be ok..cause i don't die.

why-ken
why is there a ken like this?

'misery likes company, i like the way that sounds..
i've been trying to find the meaning, so i can write it down..
staring out the window, it's such a long way down..
i'd like to jump, but i'm afraid to hit the ground..'-Bon Jovi

moulin rougue!

believe in truth, beauty, freedom, and above all things, love.

somethings are tough to believe in. even if you did, you lose faith in the things that don't seem to get you anything but pain. but..what pain may come, i still believe. and know that in the end, it matters to me.

so many thoughts in my mind now..so many people i care about..so little i can do..

no matter how many people helped you, it takes yourself to help yourself. after all that happen to anyone, the person takes it how the person wants to take it. so glad things turn out fine for some, yet quite sad how it turns out for others. but i am only me, they have to face their own demons..

i don't think i can ever forgive myself.

life will go on. somethings will just never be forgotten. i am sorry.

was happy cooking. making sure the food is good. it's a pleasure for me..though at the end of it..something's missing. still wishing..still hoping..yet preparing for the pain that may come. no idea what to do. no idea what at all.

so different. so much happened in a span of..six..months..? seven? things will never be the same..and i miss it..when happiness was a daily thing..instead of fleeting moments.

the post is horridly dis-jointed. so many things to say yet no words..so much emotions..yet no way of expressing..

is-ken
ken is just ken.

'i bet you counted all the tears..
i bet you've cried..
i bet you swore you'd never let love back inside..
'cause it hurt you way too bad to say good-bye..'-Bon Jovi

mighty mouse

here i come to save the day..!!

mighty mouse is on his way. hah. remember this from man on the moon. pretty nice show it was..thought that jim carey potrayed andy kofman very well..think the name is spelled wrongly. sorry.

oh..i am not here to save the day or anything. i cannot even save myself for the most part.

shooting today was bad..again. DC told me, 'cannot get worse, so just keep shooting.' haha..guess it true..though damn sian and pissed, i'll keep at it. i will isten to my coach and do whatever it takes. i feel nothing wrong with my shooting form. just that it is not in me. not a flowing action. got to ingrain it in me, then i should do better. SHOULD. and i'll try anyway. not giving up cause of some bad times.

other then that, my life still the same. money, still quite pressed for it. work, fine. family, same. sOo..that's my life now. pretty sedated, yet a burning desire to excel. feeling great, though will get down once in awhile. no problems. plenty of friends around to chill with and help each other through.

been thinking, life still quite a challenge. and well, i'll just hang on and look on the bright side as much as i can. though still prepare for bad stuff. kind of mentally prepare for my life. to do what i can to do what i want.

'chance favours the prepared mind.'-Louis Pastuer

prepare-ken
preparing for what may come.

'the colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky.
are also on the faces of people going by.
i see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "how do you do?"
they're really saying "i love you".-Louis Armstrong