blessings

i have..i must remember to never not count them all.

i have so many good people who cares. my friends..my family..times can get me down and sometimes i think/wish there's no one around. the truth is there are. my dear dear friends.

there are friends then there are friends.

i thank you all. for everything. for being here. for listening. for advising. for putting up with my emotions and weirdness and rants. i shall name no one here. but you know who you are. thank you.

there are things i need to do. work. help other. help myself. let things be. not easy. but things that come my way..i can do them. He will not make me short of the things i need. i believe.

it's all heart. passion and truth and all that's beautiful.
it's not. life, it's toils and heartaches and steps.
what do we need? what do we want?

desperado
why don't you come to your senses
you've been out riding fences for so long now
oh you're a hard one
but i know that you've got your reasons
these things that are pleasing you will hurt you somehow

don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
she'll beat you if she's able
the queen of hearts is always your best bet
well it seems to me some fine things
have been laid upon your table
but you only want the things that you can't get

desperado
you know you ain't getting younger
your pain and your hunger are driving you home
and freedom, oh freedom
well that's just some people talking
your prison is walking through this world all alone

don't your feet get cold in the wintertime
sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
it's hard to tell the night time from the day
you're losing all your highs and lows
ain't it funny how the feeling goes away

desperado
why don't you come to your senses
come down from your fences
open the gate
it may be raining
but there's a rainbow above you
you better let somebody love you
let somebody love you
before it's too late
-Linda Ronstadt

wish

i could yell at the top of my lungs.(top of one's lungs eh?)

very frustrated. verge of pissedness. rather angry. rather sad. rather not be thinking about things other than getting things done.

that's why i wanted to get away for awhile. i know i won't be taking it well. i try. i did. be normal. do what i do. i think i seem alright..but that DOES NOT MEAN I AM!!! fucked up. all crushed inside. the center of being no longer in balance. no longer strong and in control. and it's all my fault. not good enough. not able to let things be. i want to let go..yet i don't. i want it so much..yet i hate it this moment. life is a cruel bitch with a ironic sense of humor. damn it.

i got to do what i hate. bring ill tidings. i hate it. don't people s@@ it's not my fault? i just happen to be the one to tell you. i know it sucks. but hey..i am an archer too. you think i don't understand how you feel? i have been at this for 10 fucking years. ZERO support.. you think i enjoy telling you bad news? damn..you are all my friends. i want to help as much as i can. but some things are out of my control. please understand. i want you peopel to do well too..want you people to win and set a new standard for things to come..why do you think i give up my own dream to propel yours? fuck la. damn it.

how i want to lay down and break down. everything seems so bleak.

for all i do..things still go wrong. the point is to be stronger..be better..stay in there and keep the faith and all that. can you s@@ me behind my eyes? behind my smile and jokes? behind al that is 'MrKen'..there is just ken. bro-ken. who s@@s? who knows? not even my mom. not even whoever i know. now i mention it here..maybe some will. but who cares? why give a fuck? it's just ken.

argh!!! anguished.

want to punch things again. knowing i shouldn't..cause i'll break my fingers and whatever again. enough furniture have been broken. enough ken have been broken. don't i get it? get up and go..no one else cares enough to pick you up. damn it ken. get up or die. shit head.

just another statistic..little man.

misery likes company, i like the way that sounds
i've been trying to find the meaning, so i can write it down
staring out the window, it's such a long way down
i'd like to jump, but i'm afraid to hit the ground

i can't write a love song the way i feel today
i can't sing no song of hope, i got nothing to say
life is feeling kind of strange, since you went away
i sing this song to you wherever you are
as my guitar lies bleeding in my arms

i'm tired of watching tv, it makes me ant to scream
outside the world is burning, man it's so hard to belive
each day you know you're dying from the cradle to the grave
i get so numb sometimes, that i can't feel the pain

i can't write a love song the way i feel today
i can't sing no song of hope i've got nothing to say
life is feeling kind of strange, it's strange enough these days
i send this song to you, whoever you are
as my guitar lies bleeding in my arms

staring at the paper, i don't know what to write
i'll have my last cigarette-well, turn out the lights
maybe tomorrow i'll feel a different way
but here in my delusion , i don't know what to say

i can't write a love song the way i feel today
i can't sing no song of hope i've got nothing to save
and i can't fight the feelings buried in my brains
i send this song to you, whoever you are
as my guitar lies bleeding
-Bon Jovi
(you got to hear it to feel it.)

around

there are friends and then there are friends.

enough said.

verge of being pissed.

home

dead beat. 11 hours bus rides are not to be taken lightly. trust me.

after the trip up, i have so many things to do i am still awake at this time. goodness.
paper work.
paper work.
paper work.

no time to think about other things. don't even have time to rest abit. just type type type. look at charts and talk to coach. ponder about other people's stuff.

what about me? no idea..lost in the shuffle.

need a break after this week of paper rush. i hope i can.

still waiting for some answers.

not hoping anything anymore. come what whever will come. what i want is irrelevant. others are more important to me, most of the time.

back to work.

away

i go again.

this time to malaysia, kedah. again to be national team manager. not too bad..starting to get used to it. kind of. i mean not very sure what are my duties, but doing what i can to help the team. admin stuff and planning. not problems..i hope.

heart and soul not in my work. still bothered..although i think i know what it is. i still don't know exactly why. i guess this is me. a klutz. dumb fool. *sigh*

casey, if you are reading this. take care and stay in there. when i get back i'll make time to meet up. it's been too long.

don't want to leave again..but also don't know what to do if i stay. heart and soul..lost. need to take some time to get moving at good speed again. on my own. kind of. already miss the friends i have here. needier than ever.

Gal 5:22
but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Gal 5:23
meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

trudge on, mr ken.

'everytime i see you, well the rays of the sun are all
streaming through the waves in your hair
and every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes
like a spotlight
the beating of my heart is a drum and it’s lost
and it’s looking for a rhythm like you..'-Air Supply

truth and charity

hai sing's motto. and i believe.

at least this entire year. realise alot of my own faults and work to correct them..to make them right. as much as i can..i try to be a good person and a nice person. not easy and i fail sometimes. losing tempers and being mean and self-centered, once a while. not too good..but i will continue trying.

truth and charity..so hard to find these days. so many wrongs happening. maybe cause news spread faster and alos get more coverage in the news. but so many things going wrong. so many people doing immoral things. charity gone wrong. truth hidden. i used to too..stopped alot of them. hai..why do we only s@@ when it's too late.

think that people need to realise that no matter how you hide there are two entities that you can never hide from. yourself and God. even if you can live with what you can do, you still have to face all the mis-deeds when you depart from the world.

the returns may be more than you can bear.

have i changed or have i changed. the me two years ago would have scorned the me now. but no matter. i decided and i will follow it.

so many things i wish i hadn't lost..especially myself.

as i always..

do. survive and go on.

problem with me, as some friends say, is that i don't go all out for things i want. don't fight for them or take risks for them. i guess they are right to some extend..cause they are wants. perhaps then it's time to look at what i want and how muchi want thems.

quite lost in the work i need to do. need. so many things i don't know how to and need someone to guide me. feels so useless..but i guess it's just a learning phase.

joshy->thanks. =) not too bad now..goes up and down. but i refuse to believe we are in the middle middle..that makes us old men..!! haha..take care too pal.

i would if i knew what to do..

'the pain is real
even if nobody knows
and i'm crying inside
and nobody knows it but me'-Babyface

thinking

been home the entire morning. then went out for food and pay bills. mind cannot stop thinking.

wondering and conjecturing. the book i am reading also makes me think, exactly i am wishing it makes me think of things that are removed from my current life.

Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time. wonderful book. puts forth lots of ideas and theories as to how the universe came about and how will it end up. some theories actually points strongly to a creator's presense. like any minute change in how the universe is, even the deviance of a thousanth of a percentage of the weight of an electron, will effect a change so drastic that we may not exist. there may be no way to prove or disprove the presense of God, but to me the very fact that we are here supports the idea strongly.

anyhow..was thinking about how things come to be like this in my life. not only just the current thing that caused me some grief..but in general. the paths i took and the things i lost and gave up. came to some conclusion..but..well i..am i.

no idea what to think. don't really know why. but guess there isn't a need to know why. it's just a want. to know what failed..what is the reason for this to occur. hope, wish, pray. to no avail. it's just another broken dream.

reached the point where i realise i don't want anything. i no longer enjoy the journey. used to enjoy or rather lived it. even through the pains and losses..i kept strong and hoped and dreamed. now..i find myself wanting the journey to end. no longer do i want to experience anymore. i stopped wanting anything. day by day..i don't want to do anything. i just want to get away from eveything. things i used to enjoy..feels so dull. food taste bland. if it's just the current thing..then not too bad..but if the rest of my days are to be such..i'm in deep shit. nothing much i can do..but go on and hope for the best.

mix of feelings and thoughts. i know i don't mean some of them. it's just carried away by the moment.

Sonate au Clair de Lune

painkiller

i really don't want to be like this again. it hurts damn alot. way too much than it should.
what a fool again. told myself to not even have hope of it..but no..ken as usual have to fall in and get hurt.
no one's fault. just as things go. but damn..it hurts.
argh..how i wish. but wishes are just that. far away and unreal.
i thought the knife gone for good. but here it is right in front of me. in my chest again. though there's no wound and i am alive..that doea not mean i am well.
have the urge to ask 'why?' but somehow know that this is what it must come to eventually..sooner or later. why?
where is my cave? where's my hole? i need to hide. to break down again. facing the world with 'the ken' does not make ken ok. makes him worse. losing more of himself. giving up on dreams and turning towards loneliness. don't feel much hope left..for any of the dreams. no more strength..or rather don't want the strength to carry on.
needing company to stay sane. yet loathing it. who cares? who cares enough? who do i want to care? who will?
someone told ken before 'if you are a pillar for those around, you will always be lonely.' so far the statement is true.
ken don't like himself anymore. don't like the things he do. don't like the dreams he have. but he cannot bring himself to love himself more..to take care of himself. he..is lost. don't know who he wants to be. he feels like giving up.
time and again he tries..he stumble on..survives. but never leave. still at the same place.

你知不知道　思念一個人的滋味
就像喝一杯冰冷的水
然後用很長很長的時間　一顆一顆流成熱淚
你知不知道　寂寞的滋味
寂寞是因為思念誰
你知不知道　痛苦的滋味
痛苦是因為想忘記誰
你知不知道　忘記一個人的滋味
就像欣賞一種殘酷的美
然後用很小很小的聲音　告訴自己堅強面對
你知不知道　你知不知道
你知不知道寂寞的滋味
寂寞是因為思念誰
-巫启贤

seeking

solace in blogging..reading..praying.

i act alright, does not mean i am.

wants

the Lord be my shepard..i shall not want.

there are needs and then there are wants. getting wants are usual practices of making oneself happy. but if the wants are not met..then oneself becomes unhappy. having no wants, other than to have needs fulfilled, will potentially mean no unhappiness at the expense of no happiness. so instead of highs and lows..life becomes more of a flat line.

trade off. who wants that kind of life? everyone wants to be happy. to be happy one have to reach out and dare to do things to get them things that makes one happy and therefore risk failure and therefore being unhappy. is it worth it?

i guess everyone have to weigh what's worth it and what's not themselves..since everyone have differne values for things.

to me..it's worth everything. except that it's not like i give in certain things then it happens as i want them to. sOo..life sucks.

hebrew 11:1
by faith
now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

keeping the faith. things will be alright. been through much and still here and doing fine. i believe everyday i do not give up, faith and hope, things will get better. even if things do not go my way now..i will see that they are as they should.

to see and let be, what may come.

if i follow my advise to others, i'll not be so troubled. but talking the talk is so much different from walking the walk.

‘写信告诉我今天，海是什么颜色，
夜夜陪著你的海，心情又如何。
灰色是不想说，蓝色是忧郁，
而漂泊的你，狂浪的心，停在哪里。

写信告诉我今夜，你想要梦什么，
梦里外的我是否，都让你无从选择。
我揪著一颗心，整夜都闭不了眼睛，
为何你明明动了情，却又不靠近。

听海哭的声音，叹息著谁又被伤了心，却还不清醒。
一定不是我，至少我很冷静，
可是泪水，就连泪水也都不相信。
听海哭的声音，这片海未免也太多情，悲泣到天明。
写封信给我，就当最后约定，
说你在离开我的时候，是怎样的心情’
-张惠妹

turnaround bright eyes,
every now and then i fall apart..-Bonnie Tyler

stranger

a person who is strange == stranger.

some guy wrote that on a note on a CD, which was a gift, for my ex.

strange period now, for me. i don't know why some things are happening. i am totally clueless. what changed? please let me know..

right now..there's a big gapping hole in my life. it's like the center of things..the thing that holds part of my life in place. it's no longer there. i get along..no problems..just slightly disconnected. it's just a feeling of..weirdness..as if nothing is as it should be. something's not right. everything's not worthy of attention. but i know i have to continue working and doing what i do. even if not for myself..i will not let others down.

sOo many things to do. no idea how to do some of them. doing what i can and still trying to be sane. too confusing..too many people who don't work together.

for dreams of better tomorrow..

she
may be the face i can't forget
the trace of pleasure or regret
may be my treasure or the price i have to pay
she
may be the song that summer sings
may be the chill that autumn brings
may be a hundred different things
within the measure of a day

she
may be the beauty or the beast
may be the famine or the feast
may turn each day into a heaven or a hell
she may be the mirror of my dreams
the smile reflected in a stream
she may not be what she may seem
inside her shell

she
who always seems so happy in a crowd
whose eyes can be so private and so proud
no one's allowed to see them when they cry
she
may be the love that cannot hope to last
may come to me from shadows of the past
that i'll remember till the day i die

she
may be the reason i survive
the why and wherefore i'm alive
the one i'll care for through the rough in ready years
me
i'll take her laughter and her tears
and make them all my souvenirs
for where she goes i've got to be
the meaning of my life is
she
she, oh she..
-Elvis Costello, She

take 2

once again..i feel like shit.

the reasons are plenty. and varied. the past, present and future are all concerns..dragging me down.

if i cannot settle the past..it'll keep on affecting my present and future. and so i cannot do much about the present and the future will be worse.

there's so much to redeem for.

just a simple turn of events. a paradigm shift and my life is all up-side-down. and i don't know why. what? why?

so much i wanted to put here. but forgotten the words. forgotten the feelings. it's all just a numb grey. directionless. meaningless. pointless.

help people all i can. what do i get in return? nothing. i am just a foolish boy.

'sitting here wasted and wounded
at this old piano
trying hard to capture
the moment this morning i don’t know
’cause a bottle of vodka
is still lodged in my head
and some blond gave me nightmares
i think she’s still in my bed
as i dream about movies
they won’t make of me when i’m dead

with an ironclad fist i wake up and
french kiss the morning
while some marching band keeps
its own beat in my head
while we’re talking
about all of the things that i long to believe
about love and the truth and
what you mean to me
and the truth is baby you’re all that i need

i want to lay you on a bed of roses
for tonite I sleep on a bed on nails
i want to be just as close as the holy ghost is
and lay you down on bed of roses

well i’m so far away
that each step that i take is on my way home
a king’s ransom in dimes i’d given each night
just to see through this payphone
still i run out of time
or it’s hard to get through
till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
i’ll just close my eyes and whisper,
baby blind love is true'-Bon Jovi

nut

shell? case?

in a nut shell. the korean trip was pretty fruitful. learn more stuff, still trying to digest them knowledge and merge it with what i already know. know more people, more about our own people, some other archers from else where also. the place is nice..cool weather. green hills. gentle river. small town slowness. polite people everywhere. pretty good.

nut case..? yeah. feeling really low after i got back. so much work. many things needs to be done. for others. why am i doing this? it's not making me happy. it's not making me money. it's not doing me any good. is it?

chopin's nocturne. hauntingly beautiful.

i don't really know what i want to do . don't know what i should do. losing passion for alot of things. no more fighting spirit.

need some help..God..i ask for some guidance. Seldom i ask anything for myself..please show me some light. i need you..my life is in a mess.

back

half dead and quite broken.

brb.