when i look back on my life, i can remember what i did, what i did not and what i regret. i do not remember how i felt, what i thought nor what i felt proud of.
it feels as if my past have been a movie that i watched and went through without thought. there are so many things i would change and do differently. so many things i regret. somehow i have to dig through these and come to terms with it and move on.
keeping them suppressed and hidden would hurt me, according to many research. i think i understand and feels it somewhat. my lethargy, my lack of motivation and my difficulty in finding my passion is probably a manifestation of my repression.
i am not sure if i can do it on my own without a psychologist/counselor/coach, but i am going to try. day by day. like how i am trying to lose weight. no magic, just pure, hard work. reduce calorie, increase exercise. push through it.
no time to dally and no time to wait for miracles.
i am somewhat feeling more comfortable in my own skin now. i am still not really clear about what i want to do with myself, but i know what i want in the short term and mid term, more importantly i know what i can do, and by God's grace, i will do what i can.
i am more comfortable being vocal, being silent and being Ken. no need to be a coach. no need to be a student. Ken is all those. learning to switch hats.
this morning before my run, read about and saw pictures about the bomb blast at the Boston Marathon. it brought back memories of 9/11. not the same scale. probably not even the same reasons, but nonetheless, same effect on the victims. innocent lives are lost and innocent people are hurt. seeing the pictures of runners with legs needing amputation, really hit it home for me. reading that 100s of them could be needing amputation is simply overwhelming.
there are times, when i imagine how i would feel if i suddenly lost my arms or fingers and cannot shoot archery again. the anguish and the pain is really unbearable. i cannot imagine what those runners are going through right now. pray that God will give them strength and grace to go through this very difficult time.
there are violence everyday in different parts of the world. there is no denial that tragedies are happening all the time to all sorts of people in every country and situation, what makes this special for me is the fact that a marathon is an event that have no political, religious, national affiliation. it is simply a human thing to run. to celebrate a freedom that is basically God-given. it was not targeting blacks or whites, or Americans, Chinese, Koreans or Christians, Muslims or Jews, it just wanted to cause harm and hurt. the first reported casualty was an 8 year old kid. i mean, come on, what kind of fucking terrorists are these? grow some balls and some brains.
been trying to study, but this simply occupied my mind. i hope that the people there will endure and be stronger than ever. we will survive. we will persevere. God have mercy.
