deep impact

oceans rise. cities fall. hope survives.

tsunami. something i never thought i'll hear other than in a tale of long ago and far away. the casualties. the devastation. the people who lost their loved ones. lost their homes. lost their dreams.

it is the holiday season and people are suppose to be enjoying time with their loved ones. i am afraid to watch the news too much. i know i will weep and be affected. i am saddened by the lost of lives. the dispair of those who lost their loved ones. families and friends missing or dead. little children orphaned. hopes dashed away in the torrents. dreams shattered. lifes uprooted.

the 'civilised' world leave so much to be angry about. the super powers, spends BILLIONS on weopons and 'stealth satellites' and all kinds of shit and donate some millions to these people who are dead, dying, lost everything. that is at a factor of about 100s. people are worried about how they are going to spend the new year and things they are going to get. analyst immediatly states that the impact on the countries economy is minimal. at this time when more than 55,000, FIFTY FIVE THOUSANDS!!!, are dead and probably MILLIONS are homeless, these people worry about economy. about the rich country exploiting the poor countries' cheap labor and resources.

i wish i could do something. i have no money to give. i have nothing to give. and i cannot leave things here to go. even if i wanted, what can i do? anguished at the uselessness of i. i cannot even take good care of myself..

sedated about life. pretty normal. things getting on track. just..maybe hoping for more? will get more when i let myself i guess. haha..not everything we want..we will get. come what may. who knows what tomorrow brings. i'm sure the people who lost themselves or loved ones did not think this could happen to them. have a friend who was there and luckily unhurt or otherwise affected. close call.

the survivors are the sufferers. blessed are those who passed on, for they are rested. we alive carrys memories of those who passed from this life, carry on hurting and having dreams broken. hope those who are still there gets their life back on track and be able to move on stronger.

not really making sense i think. just hope they get the help they need and are able to rebuild their lives from this disaster.

senseless-ken
so many things are senseless. not only me.

'oh think twice, it's another day for you and me in paradise,
oh think twice, it's just another day for you, you and me in paradise..
oh think twice...
oh lord, is there nothing more anybody can do,
oh lord, there must be something you can say..'-Phil Collins

this boy's life

you don't usually get what you want.

days been rather nice these days. though feels as if something missing, still staying pretty cheerful and doing what i can to improve myself. things can always get better..or worse. it's good that it's not really getting any worse right now. i guess i am still fragile. still afraid. still wanting..

met some great people on boxing day. knew about half of them before this meet..but guess we all mixed pretty well. had fun learning and talking. training and teaching. just being rather comfortable with each other and hanging out. got slight injury from some activities..but will heal..just a new place to get injured..guess i'll have to learn to protect it better..it hurt rather alot and impede my movements.

saw a rainbow today. was shooting and when starting to pack up there was this huge rainbow across the sky. was drizzling abit when we were shooting and got heavier when we were packing. shooting was fine..normal..need to get stronger..get more stamina.

days are not really packed. life is not really meaningful. doing things..but discontentment. is this all to life? working and surviving? wishing and wanting? what's next?

more-ken
anything more for ken?

'far away, long ago,
glowing dim as an ember,
things my heart used to know,
things it yearns to remember...-Deana Carter

finding forrester

a good drama about finding your way in (and back out) of the world.

was a nice show..enjoyed it thoroughly. showed that talent and hardwork may not be enough sometimes. you need someone to help you, to nuture you, to guide you and maybe to stand up for you.

for all that you can, maybe you just don't believe it. and you need someone to believe enough to take you seriously. to bring your best out. to show you what you can do.

had fun today..great dinner..great friends..total indulgance night..haha..well..guess it's great to have people around who just let you be who you are and just chill. also met some of my poly friends..catch up some. near christmas and all..haha..kind of like a movie..

anyways..is happier these day. i think i let alot of things go. still slightly missing somethings..but now more forward looking rather than squatting in the past. it's comfortable to wallow in self-pity. to be self-centered.. sOoo..like now..enough. let's get to do what i want.

tough time at work. new stuff to learn. not fast enough and not confident enough. will do my best everyday i work. disppointing that i cannot really handle it..but will try..

shooting not so good. with added responsibilities at work..and longer hours. by the time i get to shooting am already quite tired..but well..will adjust and try my best too..haha..just do what i can. be who i want to be. do my best and leave it up to whatever.

paradigm shift. all it takes is a shift in perception and midset. s@@ the world through different eyes. s@@ yourself differently. things are factually the same as before, only that now i feel able to handle and go on and cope with it.

shift-ken
who shifted my ken?

'don't you understand, what you thought i wouldn't come again..
leave you hangin' without bringin' you the fun again..
tanglin' with the alien scum again..
mind your manners or the black suits runnin' in..'-Will Smith

something to believe in

thank you, my brother.

what you told me some time ago is now what drives me on. we all need seomthing to believe in to keep us going in tough times. and now i guess i found mine. i believe in creating the future.

the past is gone. i have made many terrible mistakes. i will never forget nor forgive myself. i am sorry for everything. i truely am. but i got to move on. i got to be who i want to be.

after being afraid and depressed for quite sometimes already, now i suddenly feel as if i s@@ clearer.

today went to the range after work and started to get ready to shoot. before that i was quite apprehensive about shooting, having done not as well as i should for the previous shoot and having plentiful of worries on my mind. but once i started plucking the string of my bow, i felt as if a great deal of strss left me.

the weather was fine. not too hot or cold or windy. the range was not crowded neither was it empty. my mind cleared. i focused on what i wanted to do. what i wanted to improve. and worked on it. shooting wasn't great. not much improvement in scores or grouping, but i felt good shooting. felt good doing my best and focusing.

in that few hours i felt in the zone. being in the now. the days without caffine and having enough rest? or was it no music to alter my mood? whatever it was..i stood there and shot. i was intent on every shot. could feel every shot. what went wrong and what to do to fix was clear in my mind.

that is a feeling, no, a mindset i must try to reproduce. to be doing my best, to be focused. to show that the best in me is yet to come. through all the losses. all that i done wrong. all that i never did or did well enough. i want to be better. and so i will. to be better.

all these from a few words of encouragement from my brother. whom i know silently from far away, cares for me. and my sister as well. i love you two. we may be far apart, but we are always together.

finally understanding what they s@@ in me. finally understanding thoroughly what i want from myself. this is the me i want to be. the best is yet to come.

finally-ken
the me i want.

'deep within each heart..
there lies a magic spark..
that lights the fire of our imagination..
and since the dawn of man..
the strenght of just "i can"..
has brought together people of all nations.

there's nothing ordinary..
in the living of each day..
there's a special part..
every one of us will play..

feel the flame forever burn
teaching lessons we must learn
to bring us closer to the power of the dream

as the world gives us its best..
to stand apart from all the rest..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..
your mind will take you far..
the rest is just pure heart..
you'll find your fate is all your own creation..

every boy and girl..
as they come into this world..
they bring the gift of hope and inspiration..

feel the flame forever burn..
teaching lessons we must learn..
to bring us closer to the power of the dream..

the world unites in hope and peace..
we pray that it will always be..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..

there's so much strength in all of us..
every woman child and man..
it's the moment that you think you can't..
you'll discover that you can..

feel the flame forever burn..
teaching lessons we must learn..
to bring us closer to the power of the dream..

the world unites in hope and peace..
we pray that it will always be..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..

feel the flame forever burn..
teaching lessons we must learn..
to bring us closer to the power of the dream..

the world unites in hope and peace..
we pray that it will always be..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..

the power of the dream..
the faith in things unseen..
the courage to embrace your fear..
no matter where you are..
to reach for your own star..
to realize the power of the dream..'-Celine Dion, 1996 Atlanta Olympics.

die hard

dead.

could have been better. could have been worse. life as it is again. feels hopeless. feels angry at myself. want to be more. want to be all i can.

but life place so much demands. i cannot be myself most of the time, doing what i want or just doing what i can. oft times have to do more. and more and more..

disappointed. could be so much more.

tired. totally out. 96 hours. i slept total less than 16 hours. so close to hallucianting..i can almost feel it.

out-ken
out to find ken.

'like a clown i put on a show..
the pain is real even if nobody knows..
now I'm cryin' inside..
and nobody knows it but me..'-Babyface

il mio nome è nessuno

what does it matter what i think? what i want?

does not matter. there's a job to be done, i do it as best as i can. i am a fool. but i made a promise and i will do my best.

i am so tired. mentally and physically. neither the strength nor spirit to go on.

what i want for christmas? i want to be happy. i want to rest. i want you.

never liked festivals nor birthdays. though i know the significance, just doesn't do it for me. no matter does it?

really feel like freezing up like i did when my world turned up-side down. just want to freak out and shut down and go into depression. i can't. so many things reply on me. so many people, friends.

angry. raging fire. damn mad. a fury that i don't know what it will thurn me into. yet, a coldness. an emptiness that i don't know how to fill. even after sleeping on the floor without blanket and bathing in cold water, i feel colder inside. want to scream. want to cry. want to break down and be comforted.

thank you for being here. thank you for caring. i don't know what to say or do. thank you.

love makes fools of us all.

fool-ken
little big fool? big little fool? big fool.

'and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive.'-Goo Goo Dolls

lost in translation

everybody wants to be found.

everyone wants to be loved and wanted. everyone wants to be heard and understood. we all need somebody sometimes. we all need to be alone sometimes. but alot of things, thoughts, emotions, ideas, gets lost in translation. we are all misunderstood. we are all lost somehow.

i know that even though i am down and sian and tired and pretty confused, i know i am not the only one. plenty of people out there who are in worse state. i hope we all be strong and pull through whatever shit we are going through. it's not easy. it's not simple. but as long as we hang in there, we'll be alright. do our best. whatever shit will be shit. we just be us.

so many things on my mind still. so many things to do still. doing what i can. feel like taking a long break. but i know i cannot. need to catch up on lots of things. tiring. sick of it. but just do my best and hope.

been confused about plenty of stuff. but glad that sometimes i can bring joy to people. that people rely on me and trust me for things. am very glad that i can help out with things. it's like though i lose myself sometimes, someone else finds a part of me and show it to me. i may be skeptical about it, but time and again if i am shown the same thing, i guess i have to believe that i am such. i want to be better, to be well and be able to help people. to make people happy and s@@ them through tough times. to be there for my friends and family and everyone whom i know.

i may not be strong enough sometimes. i hope i can be strong enough for those who trust me to help them. i'll pull through and be better.

stronger-ken
that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

'the hopes we had were much too high,
way out of reach but we have to try..
no need to hide no need to run,
cause all the answers come one by one..
the game will never be over,
because we're keeping the dream alive..'-Freiheit

simple wish

simple wish..is any wish simple?

i really wish for somthing..though i try hard to be the best i am..though i want it..i am afraid. do you understand that kind of feeling?

i really wish i could help..i really wish i am there..i really wish certain things never happened. wishes are just that..wishes. what can anyone do to change the past? what can anyone do to help another?

wishes. hopes. wants. 'i shall not want.' though i want, i do not need. confused person i am.

not much here. too confused to be put into words. some irritation. some anger. some pissedness. quite abit of sadness. quite alot of tiredness. little bit of gladness.

do-ken
do what i do and go on.

'but you can say baby..
baby can I hold you tonight.
maybe if I told you the right words..
at the right time..
you’d be mine..'-Tracy Chapman

catch me if you can

true story of a real fake.

how many of our lives are like this i wonder. still just a kid who needs to get away from something bad, who doesn't know the consequences of things. but in this world that's so real..does it matter why you do certain things? or it's just the results that counts? and usually against you.

perhaps again i am in a pensive mood. more demoralised. more tired. more confused. no more thinking. too tired to even think properly. thoughts keep gettting discontinued by other thoughts. guess i'll have to rest properly.

reading what i typed in the past, i realised what a friend told me was quite true. though yet she don't really know me. then again it's my thought that no one can truely know anyone. so, this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts, my way. post anything in the comment if you wish. thank you.

these days been pretty alright. just tired. work and shoot and plan for the coming competition. shooting got a real boost from 'an' and 'al'..they helped me with my setup and shooting style. now all i need is to get used to it. it's not really different, but they made me realise what to focus on more. really helped..many thanks to them.

other aspects of my life seems non-existance. don't know what, don't know anything. other aspects? do i have other things in my life? i wish. i really wish.

catch-ken
will any one catch, if i fall?

'can’t we give ourselves one more chance,
why can’t we give love that one more chance,
why can’t we give love.
cause love’s such an old fashioned word,
and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night,
and love dares you to change our way of
caring about ourselves..'- Queen