return of the jedi

back.

maybe not as galaxy-shaking or memorable or eventful, but i feel as if a veil was lifted from my eyes. after yesterday's shoot, was disappointed as i was feeling great yet mentally not trying at all. today, i tried to balanced both the need to relax as well as focus. did good. not great. yet.

shooting form was alright. normal. small things to work on. mentally, i felt a huge shift. as if i wasn't even at a competition. arrow after arrow, sending it out. feeling normal. just doing my form. top down. center. shoot! feels good. enjoyed shooting even in the high stress parts. guess i found my wal for shooting. a center which my mind is calm and willing to let things go. to do.

problems of life still around. will be trying to sort them out this week and next. find a job that allows me to shoot and coach. settle with my old boss. recover my energy after three months of rather intensive training and coaching. owe people some stuff too. got to try to get things going.

still, i don't understand myself. but clear my mind of questions. just do what i need then want then have fun. too short to be complicated.

many thanx to those who was with me and supported me. who believed me more then me. who trusted me even when i crapped. those whom have helped me and listen to me and fed me and let me be crazy.

doing my best to be my best. trust me. i will get there. stand by me and walk with me.

awaken-ken
had such dark dreams of late.

'dare to be all you can be..cause there is a place where dreams survive..and it's calling you on to victory..!'-Stan Bush

heat

alrighty now.

heat is on. pesta sukan aka sports festival for archery is like 8 hours away. not my event first but i got to help out with the running and all. then, it's my event. i'm pretty screwed...anyway..just shoot and do my bestest and have fun. that's what i always tell people. though i know i'll be disappointed with myself for short-changing myself again.

problems abound. what's new? ha. but i guess i'm starting to live with it all. accepting things slowly and doing what i can and all. i need to take the advise i give people. i can help people just fine, but i just ignore my sane mind and go crazy. i should calm down and listen to me.

anyway, i am ready. not as ready as i like or as i was for last year's, but it'll have to do. i did what i could to help myself in the midst of helping others. i'll help others and yet be as good as i can be. that's what i can do and stop dwelling on stuff that's out of my reach.

i got lots of things i should do to help myself. and i should be doing them now. right after pesta sukan. i'll do what i need to do. pick myself right off the floor and get going. since no one is going to help me. i guess like i always tell people. 'we all have our own demons to face.'

inertia building. momentum building. next thing you know..ken's off to the moon.

know-ken
ken should get to know ken.

'so never mind the darkness, we still can find a way..cause nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain..'-Guns and Roses

odds against tomorrow

how do we survive day after day..

feeling all empty. like a big gaping hole right smack in the middle of me. as usual no tears to weep. no cry to wail. just a mask full of emptiness. tomorrow? we'll see.

what do i need? what do i want? ha ha. god mode. unlimited ammo. aim-bot. haha. i too want to know what do i need. someone to love me and care for me as i care for others? money to ease my woes which are financial? boost of confidence to let me soar to greater heights? tell me if you find out.

wept the other night. saw picture of who-was-once-my love. did not realise how much i miss her. her complains of my lifestyle and her loving me with all she got. we gave all we had and still it's not enough. grind-teeth and hold back tears.

was happy for a few hours. saw a good friend whom i really like to hang out with. nearly the same as before. i am saddder. she's more tired. maybe we don't want to move on, just want to stay young and have fun and leave troubles behind. but once i see her eyes. i knew, things are not as before. we have grown. maybe a little. but still, things are same and slightly different.

can someone talk to me and bring out my inner self. to let me know me. please. let me weep and wail and let the little boy out. let me lose myself and find me again. i cannot stand being like this.

again, now-ken
ken, now. again. tomorrow, ken?

'someone told me, love would all save us..but, how can that be. look what love gave us.'-Chad Kroeger

abyss

look into the abyss..and the abyss looks back at you.

feels like i am in an abyss now. no light. no hope no one. nothing at all. no idea where am i or what am i to do. cannot see myself. cannot see any other thing. just don't want to do anything or even see anyone. simply feels like i need to fulfill my duty as a friend, archer, coach..blah, blah..

life sucks. don't know why it took such a turn again. want to feel happy, really want to again. but there's no more reason to. no longer a dream to live. no longer a will to carry on. i'll just take it easy and see what turns up. i'll just hope for a better tomorrow. though such hope in me is minute. like a part in godzillion of other negative emotions.

want to go crazy and forget everything. all i have done wrong. all that i should not. never done anything good for myself except eat nice food. lost the reasons for my being. no more quest to fulfill. no more people to save. except myself. and i don't know how. if there's an angel looking at me. i need you now. i am losing myself. i want to tear at myself and rip out the things that hurts. i don't want to hurt anymore. i cannot stay strong anymore. i don't want to act anymore.

i am sad. i am down. i am lost. i am confused. i am in pain. i am lost. i am lost.

-ken
i am no more.

'maybe tomorrow i'll feel a different way..but here is my delusion, I don't know what to say'-Bon Jovi

musha

who really understand why we do things.

interesting show isn't it? things unfolding as it unfolds. for reasons that seem on the verge of ridiculous. why fight when the reason for fighhting is gone? to save yourself just do nothing, yet have to do something to keep another safe. what are they fighting for? what are we fighting for?

i don't understand many people. i knowthem, but understanding them is beyond me. one of these peoples is me. i don't undertand me. i know what i like and what i don't. why do i keep losing strength to carry on? always wavering back and forth between a fierce need to go on and a desire to just lay down and die.

somethings i know are happening. but nothing i can do. or nothing i want to do about it.

somethings i don't know what's happening. still nothing i can do about it.

i am not one to ask too much about another unless someones tells me. i care, but i don't ask too much. maybe i ask too little?

i don't know anymore. i don't understand. i am missing something. i want something. don't know what.

clueless-ken
clueless about yesterdays. clueless about tomorrows.

'shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry..stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery..he hears the silence so loud..'-Metallica

talented mr ripley

when a person becomes a mystery, even to himself.

watched the show? somepeople think he's evil, others think he had no choice. i personally feel he had a choice but he chose to preserve himself. what would you do? would you give up yourself or someone/something you love to do the right thing? do you think you can live with yourself and what you have done to others? who really knows who we are and what we have done? only ourselves,i believe. only ourselves will know what we have done and what we could have done instead also.

today's fine. that's it, fine. nothing more. not too bad..not too good..just fine.

was just wondering if i could trust again. knowing that there will be things that i won't tell another unless i trust completely, with everything i have and hold dear. but who can i trust after what happened the last time i gave it all?

feels distanced from people these two days. feels spaced out. almost like a glass between me and the rest of the world. interesting. abit sad. abit off. shoots better that way. but can i stay that way? think not. i care too much. i worry too much. i love too much. someone said i look lifeless that way. guess i feel that way sometimes. lifeless.

do you know me? from my blog, what kind of person do i seem? i am asking cause i don't think i know myself well. i know i have a big dream, willing to go for it. but other than that..i have no idea. sometimes feels positive and other times negative. i always feels the extremes of emotions i think. what am i?

kind of feel like i am crying behind my face. lost and hurt. knowing where to go from here. just no drive to. don't believe in myself. don't think i am worth my effort. that have to be fixed. or it'll be hell of a life. oh well. interesting then.

looking at what i have typed. felt like deleting all. but guess that's how i really feel sometimes. torn between two extremes. fine ,yet not good. alright, but not enough. am i trying too hard? am i thinking too much?

i have failed myself before and i fear i will again. do i try? or do i stand alone?

question?-ken
too many questions, too little answers.

'give me a taste of something new, to touch to hold to pull me through..send me a guiding light that shines, across this darkened life of mine'-Midge Ure

stardust memory

are you afraid of memories?

the past haunts us. in ways that we best be aware about. good series it is. stardust memory. mayhaps none who read this would know what it is. fighting for something you believe in. to prevent history from repeating. caught in between the future and the past. to chose between what's right and..what's right.

torn myself apart and left me open to hurt. to feel the pain. don't know of what actually. nothing should touch me so deep. but there was. something, i am not sure what. it tears at me and rips me inside out and cause..pain. the past it could be or maybe an unknown future. to feel the pain and then re-awaken, feels good. calms me and clears my mind.

more aware of myself now. lifting myself from my confusion and doing things i should. trying to get where i want to go. with renewed vigor. i know that i will fall again and will feel depressed again. but i will not stay down. everytime i fall, i take a while to get up. but get up i will.

unhappy with myself i am, for causing pain and hurt and making lives more complicated than they should. to know what i want in a particular sense would help. only i can figure it out i guess. and it'll take a long long while.

feels, distanced from things that bothered me for the past weeks. want to get away from it. to begin with, it wasn't even my problem. but my smart-ass brain, as usual, wanted to hold on to something and help something/someone. instead nearly brought me down it did. i reined it in somewhat and now i should be lettings things be as they should be. i hope i can do this. to stand aside and let things act out on their own. to let go and move on.

i know i can. i want to as well. i just need to let myself. to love myself enough to let myself be who i want to be.

remember-ken
if i don't return. remember me.

'she got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories..where everything was as fresh as bright blue skies..'-Guns & Roses

return to neverland

peter pan once, i was.

in primary three, before i changed primary school. was in make-up, stocking and a skirt my mom made. OMG! i'm telling people this. ermm..oh well..anyway was on stage and was shown on the news as well. won first prize for something. i still have the prize. a book, it was. nice little book about some children scared of things under their bed. good times those were, like neverland. no worries. no cares. stupid also i suppose. simple, fun and forever young.

today, returned to shooting after a four day break. rather long, considering it's in competition season. anyway, i re-realise what i want to be. an archer. it means alot to me, to be an archer. fitted my bow and loved the sound it makes. love the way to looks and love the way it feels in my hand. it's like rediscovering my passion for archery.

almost like three parts to my shooting today. first part just shoot for loving the shoot. arrow after arrow. just enjoying sending arrows out of the bow and listening to the sound and the feel of my bow shooting. then, got distracted by something. try to shoot after that, but focus not the same. feels..off. not in tune with the flow of the shot. after dinner came back and cleared my mind and shot. felt good. felt like old times with the exception of my shooting problem. which i am fixing as best as i could.

to be an archer, is to be more than what i am now. to do what i can to be all i can.

problems still abound. worries and all still somewhere in my head. troubles which i cannot solve, only watch. things which i have no control. life is such, isn't it. the train goes on and on. doesn't stop for anything or anyone. we have to keep it together or be left behind and needing to catch up later.

K:hang on.
B:for?
K:for dreams of better tomorrows.

a tear came unbidding to my eye as i typed the above. do i know why? no, i do not. almost a feeling of sadness. kind of yearning for something more, but no idea what. today we fight, we struggle, we bleed and hurt, for what? for dreams of better tomorrows? answers i do not have.

we all have our own demons to face. and face them we must, lest they creep upon us and bring us down somewhere we least expects. i love all those around me. my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters. how i wish i could make things better for everyone. i know now, it is not my place and not within my powers. even if it is, i shouldn't. for through hurt and pain do we grow. though it hurts to s@@ someone you love hurt, we must not shelter them. for cripple them we will.

random thoughts all around me. sending out words as they past my conscious thoughts. feelings still confused and mixed. good thing is, i am now more in control of myself, having reawaken my dream, my passion and my drive. to get things done. to fall but not stay down. to lose but never give up.

i am Ken, an ARCHER. a mortal, no more. but also no less.

never never-ken
never grow up, never give up.

'if you jump, i'll break your fall..lift you up and fly away into the night..if you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone..'-Savage Garden

phantom of the opera

when you wish, though you can't.

like time travel. conjured up a theory why we cannot and also why in the future they fail. it's like time and space are essentially the same, but absolute space is out of time. our time travels with our space because of gravity, but in real space we moved. and if the scientist are right, we are moving at rather neck-breaking speeds. so when people say built a time-travel machine and goes back or forward in time, they moved in time but not space. they appear in nowhere. or even worse, say a black hole or a quasar or a super nova going on or something like this. time travel may be possible, but it would be rather impossible to travel the distance earth have travelled. right? comments, queries, questions, complain?

anyway, there are always things we wish we could do. but we can't. still we try, like idiots. knowing it doomed to fail, we still cling on and trudge on. in the end we hurt not only ourselves. but possibly others as well. we blame thousands of things, because we are afraid to blame ourselves. to acknowledge that we are responsible for ourselves and our choices.

there are always choices. just some really hard ones.

had a rather ok day, coached archery. for love and of course my stomache. hanged out with friends for a good dinner then a show. tainted by events out of my reach. saddened by things beyond my control. wish i could make everything better, but it is not my place to do so. want to have something to hold on to, but i hold nothing. to let things go and be only one to watch. aww-yea, feel the pain you m****r-f**ker.

i've been through worse. others have been through worse. we'll survive. a few more scratches, a few more memories, a few more knocks and bruises and a little less faith.

knowing things i should not know. doing things i should not. feelings i should not have. should i? can i not? it's such, so it is and why not? things have come so far and yet nothing have gone. i'm sorry. for hurting. for being stupid. for not knowing myself better.

even if i could, i wouldn't. stop caring. though it may be i who will be left alone to hurt.

short-sighted-ken
lacking in foresight, or plain stubborn.

'..and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand..when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am..'-Goo Goo Dolls

die harder

i fell.

from my bicycle. was out buying snacks and sweets for my mom, for her trip to malaysia. as i was on my way back, phone rang, ken pick up with right hand, left hand crossed to hold handle bar, kid ran in front, ken turned away from kid, ken fell, kid ran away. skilled, pro-ness all acted out in a short few seconds of precision orchestra.

today was fine. fine in more ways than one. finely delicate, balanced. feeling..no idea how i am feeling now. dream, but losing psyched-up-ness. holding on, but losing will. want to do things but no longer looking ahead. as in extremes of feelings and thus balanced. in a wal.

rested today. finally after more than a month of shooting and coaching non-stop, today i did nothing. went to the range and helped people with their equipment and shooting. range felt out of place, no longer homely as before. maybe i'm tired, maybe i'm chasing something unattainable and losing direction.

have i been helpful to people? have i picked people up from dispair? have i been an angel to others? have i ever been someone's light to shine in the darkness? can someone be mine? can someone help me? push me along, help me up when i'm down, light my road so i know where i'm going? even if there is someone who will..can i accept it? knowing me, i cannot. stubborn, paraniod, eccentric, weird-ass-thinking. what am i to do with myself? haha..only i can answer that, or can i even?

kind of good day today factually. hanging out with friends, helping them. my kind of thing. many things happening in my life which i don't want to bother about actually. but some i must, some i can't help myself. me. always saboing myself.

extremist-ken
in extremes, but yet balanced.

'downpour on my soul..splashing in the ocean, i'm losing control..dark sky all around, can't feel my feet touching the ground..'-Jars of Clay

first blood

weird that i am doing this. never thought i would do this. but here i am blogging. darn. oh well. let's go!

days have been quite bad these few weeks. shooting gone bad, job gone bad, family still as bad..what am i to do? nothing. nothing i can do. just endure. life is such isn't it. when it spirals down we endure, when things are looking up, shit falls on your face.

anyway. this will be plain simple complains from me about my life. life is too short to keep problems in me. most of us would only want to be happy right? so letting the unhappiness out is a good thing. i think? so here i am doing that.

feeling a whole f**king mix of emotions lately. no idea it's affecting my shooting or my shooting affecting it. probably both ways. it sucks. feeling down, angry, sad, crazy, sometimes happy(not happy, but as in cheerful-outlook-with-damn-emotions-inside), pained and all kinds of other crap. been trying to get things done, but ball is not on my court, so to speak/type/whatever. training hard for shooting, but things go up and down, 'worse than i can ever imagine'.that's a fucked line if you ask me. anyway, nothing seems to go right these days. but me being me, holding on, still caring for friends, for family, over-extending my capabilities emotionally, mentally, financially, physically and whatever other-lies there are around. my ex would kill me to know i am still ike that. maybe that's why she is my ex. heh. miss her some. miss my other friends some. miss those who have gone to better place. leaving us the un-fortunate to be alive and living and dying every moment. am i positive or am i just stubborn? no idea, but i'll keep going on and on. long after i should stop, i keep going on.

me, ken ang, ismail wahib aziz, de arris, mad koach, sportsman, archer, friend.

'show must go on...inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be faded.. but my smile still stays on..' - Queen.