home alone

even as the seasons pass by
and the years gone
there are no roots

even as the shelter nourishes
and the body rests
this isn't comfort

time and time again
failure knocks on the door
from within

yet again once more
the exit tempts me
to leave this house which is not home.

so disappointing. everytime i climb up and be better, i get dragged down and trapped. angry at the circumstances, angry at the losses, angry at the ineptness and the stupidity that permeates through these walls.

disappointing that even as i was a confidant and a peer, i am nothing now. maybe i was nothing all along.

fuck this shit.

baggage

it's another year gone. another tick of the number on th age thingy.

been putting off typing down something for a long time. partly, i don't really know how i feel or what to think about all these, and partly i am afraid of the things that i try to keep hidden.

this year have been good. i have a new job that i pretty enjoy and am pretty good at, which also pays alright. re-started studying. making progress in this adult modern life thing in this country.

this year have been challenging. studies are harder and i have less time for it. have not had time to pursue my own interests and been slogging for what others expect of me. money is still tight even with a flow coming in.

this year is down right fucked up. i'm the only one working at home now. brother sick. mom chronically ill. dad pretty much useless. that's where my pay goes, paying for most of everything. saving abit, pay for studies. poof! magic. like how my shirts and clothings can go missing from being washed at home. magic.. poof..like money..
feeling so frustrated, so trapped, and so angry. why is everyone so useless..

i'm on the verge of giving up something. studies, family or myself.

having no time to do my own thing also eats at me. i am not recovering properly. i have worse insomnia now. i get more shoulder pains now. i get ankle pains without running or anything. my fuse is tremendously short once i'm out of work-mode..especially at home.

can't seem to find a balance. can't seem to see a way out.

ohana? family?

i rather leave these all behind..responsibilities all on my shoulders..all for nothing..good for nothing now..

perhaps i'll feel different someday..

good..bad..suck it up and trudge on.
life's hard? take a shot of whisky and keep going.

all fall down

on a day like this..everything goes wrong together.

no damn thing to do about it. retreat into my own space. my cocoon.

except that it's empty now. all that i am, is work and other people's priorities.

no longer me. no longer my dream.

and my soul is no more.

rant

1. on a bus, 2 guys and a gal came on. they were chatting about how fast time flies and how just 4 years ago they volunteered at the YOG. 

dumbass guy1 said, 'this year quite dumb, they have asian games also to clash with YOG, Asian game some small chapalang competition go clash with YOG, damn dumb..' 

i nearly wipe his face off his head.

2. on a crowded like sardine can MRT, some woman called her friend and wanted to meet her on the train and proceeded to squeeze through half the known world to meet her. in the process, managed to realigned the continents with her freaking momentous rear end!!

3. some piss ass young NS serving young part timer punk come talk rot to my colleagues and act beng. if there is justice instead of laws, you will be fed through tubes for the rest of your life.

let it fall

cause i am tired of holding up my world.

fucking cliff

after run, go home to a house full of smokers and drunks.

how the fuck do i stay healthy?

tired vs fatigued

i'm tired from work.

i'm fatigued cause you don't seem to care.

2/12

another month have passed. don't seem to find words to put out these days.

even when hanging with friends, i seem to have less to talk. i read and game and play and work, but i don't seem to have much to say. i think about stuff and have opinions, but don't really want to voice them most of the time, the world is more of a stranger now.

hope in a week or so, i will have started my job and continue to work towards my goals. hope that in a month, things will be more settled and everything move in a less stressful manner.

much change. very tired.  force of will.

2014

Last year ended bad..this year started worse.

I still have things to be thankful for, and for those I'm blessed.