person

who are you? and who do you want to be?

we can change. it have to be delibrate. you have to do it. and do it till it becomes part of you. habits can change. we are changing all the time. so take control of it and be who you want to be.

days are all very tiring. work out. work out shooting. coach. doing paper work. hrrk. no idea if i am getting anywhere. want to do more, but my body and mind have a limit. i'll do all that i can, and hope it's good. nothing else i can do.

cleared my mind about some stuff. cleared some stuff wth some people. so not too bad now. pretty flatlining at better than average. hope it stays..or get better..heh..

money settling down. timing not yet. let's s@@ if i can organise my life abit more.

sandman.. he comes..!!

'every time that i look in the mirror
all these lines on my face getting clearer
the past is gone
it went by like dusk to dawn
isn't that the way everybody's got their dues in life to pay

yeah, I know nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes
i know it's everybody's sin
you got to lose to know how to win

half my life's in books' written pages
live and learn from fools and from sages
you know it's true
all the things come back to you

sing with me, sing for the years
sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
sing with me, if it's just for today
maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

dream on, dream on, dream on,
dream yourself a dream come true
dream on, dream on, dream on,
and dream until your dream comes true
dream on...'-Aerosmith, Dream On

邊緣人

just in. nearly out.

not doing good enough. pretty frustrating. i train hard. i do what the coach says. and more. yet, i am not good enough. what am i to do?

still some time to do what i can. and i'll do what i can. all that i can.

don't know how i express how i feel. frustrated. angry. hopeful. hopeless. near tears already. what more must i do!??! want to scream out loud..but it's all in the head. keeping my cool and take it a step at a time. losing my lauguage to figure out what words to use properly to express myself. left with shooting form, mindset, coaching techniques, mental conditioning, target aquisition, feeling of good shots.....argh..going mad.

close. not really.

'so make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
it's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
i hope you had the time of your life.'-Greenday

challenged

time is running out. i feel it. everyday it puts more pressure. every moment tempting me to take the easy way.

i..i will follow my dream all the way.

pained. but i will not give up. yes, i am stubborn. i will do this. my most excellent.

i don't lack anything, except a chance. and now i have it. i'll take it and go all the way.

do you dare, take the path i am taking?

trudge

two steps forward, one step back.

progress is not easy. fighting hard for it and yet keep being disappointed.

nothing much to say. too tired.

filled with thoughts, though fleeting.
full of emotions, yet no words.
hopeful attempts, failure lures.
silient efforts, mindless tolls.

attempt but never to be reached.
in life as in sports.
dare.

it is in the attempt that we find ourselves better.
it is in daring that we find ourselves heores.
it is in loving we find ourselves doing what we thought we wouldn't.

all i am doing now is doing what i love. to reach as far as i can towards the impossible. perfection. in shooting. in coaching. in dealing with people.

if i err, please let me know.
if i fall, please pull me up.
if i fail, remember me fondly.

embrace failure as a step forward. pick myself up and go again.

'sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered
and there's nowhere to turn
you wonder how you keep going
think of all the things that really mattered
and the chances you've earned
the fire in your heart is growing
...
dare - dare to believe you can survive
you hold the future in your hand
dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
it's time to take a stand'-Stan Bush

climb

read a post on a friend's post..had something about redemption.

i wonder if i can ever redeem myself. in my own eyes, in eyes of those who know and in eyes of whoever/whatever will judge me when i die, if there's such an occurance. what constitutes redemption? how to pay for what? i don't know. all i know is that i am trying to be the best that i can be, as i was last time. and i make mistakes, i have blind spots, i stun soemtimes..but i never have anything but best of intentions. what does that count as? i am human, i err. if i am to be punished for whatever i done, so be it. however it may be.

today's shoot was fine. first round was average. second round climbed abit to my old average. team round did alright. got team gold. can feel the form, can feel my strength, can feel that i am improving. let's s@@ where it goes from here. lots of work to do, so let's do it. =)

who knows me? do i even? does it matter? in the end..we are just who we are, doing what we do.

as i walk on, i stand taller. but a shadow still haunts me. when will it be shown the light?

'黃︰滄海笑　滔滔兩岸潮
浮沉隨浪記今朝
徐︰蒼天笑　紛紛世上潮
誰負誰勝出天知曉
羅︰江山笑　煙雨遙
濤浪濤盡紅塵俗事知多少
合︰清風笑　竟惹寂寥
豪情還賸了一襟晚照
合︰蒼生笑　不再寂寥
豪情仍在痴痴笑笑' - 黃霑／羅大佑／徐克

out of ordinary

today is a weird day.

nothing to do the whole day. excercised, read news, played games, stretched...blah blah blah..cannot shoot and need the rest as well. so all in all..was quite free and left to my own devices. normally saturday is packed..morning, youth team, afternoon TP or national training. today everything was off. felt off. like missing something.

also the side effect was that i had too much time to think and ponder. not good. not happy. too many things to worry about. so i did what i could to take up time. not really working..but well here i am at the end of the day.

felt empty today. happy for some parts too. pissed at somethings as well. mixed up. thought of something to blog while having dinner..now forgotten.

messed up.

fuel

been a hectic week. grateful for it in many ways.

the indonesian coach who came as a guest coach taught alot of things. formwork, physical training methods, mental work and all that jazz. to me the most important thing he taught us is that to love shooting is one thing, to fight to win is totally another story. i guess i was shooting with passion but not passion wnough to WANT to win. to want to win is easy, but to want to work for it to ensure you are capable is another. may seem strange to people reading this..but those who knows me, know that i am quite non-confrontational. so now i s@@ that to love shooting is not getting me anywhere, i have to want to get somewhere enough to work hard for it.

now my schedule is packed. everyday there is a purpose. no more hanging around not sure what to do. daily plans to get to where i want to go. strange..i knew all these, it's just like i did not know the true purpose of it all. wasted lots of time. now i go.

somewhat happy now. clearer as to what i want. still slightly empty, but i know thing will happen as they happen. let what comes, come.

renewed

'是谁偷偷 偷走我的心
不能分辨 黑夜或天明'-张学友

reactions

not enough time to rest..let alone blog.

so many things happened this past weekend. been dead tired. coaching course. shooting. change some formwork. did some admin stuff. money running out. darn.

form change was pretty good. so far so good. will try smoe more s@@ how it goes. i know my main weakness..will work to make it better. things with shooting are not too bad now. got into training team by a sliver..will work to prove my place.

rather motivated now. the indonesian coach saw right to the problem of our team. no passion. no drive. no heart. don't misunderstand me, not that we have no passion for the sport..we lack passion to WIN! after some talk with him..i felt like bursting..so charged up and wanting to go out and do something!

things take time. things take effort. will make my days useful. one way or another.

people : hope you all are alright. i know some of you are disappointed. but remember what i always qoute mr tang, ' the only time you lose..is when you give up.' i have not given up after nearly 10 years of fighting for a place..don't you give up! no matter what you are aiming for..there's always a chance..as long as you try.

heart power!!!

knowledge

'knowledge itself is power.'-???

part of a phrase that's longer and more meaningful, but also slips my mind. it's that phrase on my photo frame of my kindergarden class picture that drives me to know things.

now i realise my error. knowledge does not give you power. it is power. it can break you, make you. sometimes you can use it. sometimes it uses you.

knowing things may be a blessing. it can be a curse as well. me knowing something, finding out something, broke me again.

i will survive. being well i will. maybe no more spectacular. but will be alright.

broken

dreams mean so little in times like this
i remember
no respite no redemption no turning back
but i remember all that we had
and i am truely sorry however little it means now

sometimes

sometimes i feel damn broken.
sometimes i want to try again.
sometimes i want to give up everything and start anew somewhere else.
sometimes i feel i can be better if i really let myself.
sometimes i feel i cannot go on anymore.
sometimes i wonder why i keep being the way i am.
sometimes things just seem so bleak.
sometimes giving up seem the best option.
sometimes don't know what to do about everything.
sometimes i have to be strong for those around.
sometimes have to know everything for the people who rely on me.
sometimes really wish i have somewhere to hide.
sometimes i don't know who i am.
sometimes i hope someone can convince me.
sometimes i wish i'd die soon.
sometimes i feel like i know i'll live long to pay for my sins.
sometimes i think i try to do too many things.

sometimes..we just have to go on and do what we do..regardless of how we feel or think. life goes on..make do with what we have and do our best. it may not be easy. it may not be smooth. but you got to live your life the way you want to.

sorry for the monologue-y, introspective disjointed post. just abit lost sometimes. i am also human.

'The magic of risking everything so you can respect yourself the rest of your life.'-Million Dollar Baby