still

afloat. still drifting.

not yet gotten a direction. not yet gotten a purpose. i have some ideas, but still waiting to be confirmed, still waiting for something to happen. in God's hands now.

as i feel more relaxed and not as broken, i still feel sad. for the things i did not do to prevent this, and the things i did to hasten this. maybe there was no escape. maybe it was meant to be like this to build me up. maybe..you are not meant to be mine.

ok..now i'm getting emo. nights. over and out.

ups and downs

so today actually was great. but i did do something i should not have done. feel confused and bad about it. been praying about it since it happened. man..phhht. weak soul.

anyway, discovered something that i should have thought of long ago. but not too late. and it feels like it's the right thing to do. will pray about it and see how it goes.

sent out more resumes last night. man..there are job out there, but why not reply?haha.. see, i am still eagerly waiting for some hints of acceptance somewhere, so that i can move on and see progress in my life. on the other hand, i feel like i should just send out as i see fit and wait for God to direct me where He wants. so that it really one huge load off my shoulder. this new found reliance on God's strength, wisdom and plan is very intriguing. like i know i should be anxious, and i am, but in a different way. peace is there, acceptance is there. it's on my mind, but no longer eating at me like it used to.

and so, God is really my shelter and refuge now. and my own strength and abilities are nothing in light of His power over all thing. and having this trust and faith, makes me more focused and yet relax. i will still do my best, cause God knows my efforts and heart in all things. and on top of that, His hand is there to shape me and my future. i know it's not a new message, but it is new to me! i knew it, but i just am learning to live it. indeed God is wonderful.

with so many things happening pointing to His hand that shaped me and gave me chance to talk to my mom about it, i am more optimistic about what is to come. no matter if it is my wants or not, it is His will and it is good. <3

God's will

for the first time in my life, i feel that i was submitting to God's will.

these few weeks have been trying. having bad mood swings, had drunk days and had ranted to anyone who would listen. after some time, all those stopped working, pain and loneliness became my constant companion even when friends or family are around.

since it happened, i have read the bible more regularly and praying more regularly. on top of that, i would occasionally find a passage especially interesting and read up more on them, and then think about what it meant to me in my life now. so all in all, i have grown closer to God and know the bible better. even though this is my 3rd reading of the NT, it is not surprising that i still find many passages fresh and  intriguing. i guess it also helps that i am reading in KJV and ESV side by side. by doing this, i have found that some passages in the ESV do not really reflect the KJV translations, then it will bring me to read up on it and find out what the passages mean if directly translated from Hebrew. and i must say, it is very interesting. while i am no scholar, i do learn more and now i can say, i am glad i did all these.

to those who are serious about learning about God's will, i suggest reading a few versions of the bible and then try to find the Hebrew translation of the passage. it will give more insight to the translations, their times and lifestyle and concerns of the age, as well as the direct meaning of the Hebrew text. then it would be up to us to make the links for the passages into our lives. i feel like i am trying to decipher what the gospel writers are trying to say and what the different translations mean, and i must say, it is very nice to be reading something and find that the meaning is no longer obscure.

while i find it interesting and enriching, i must also caution that not every translation and attempts to understand the Bible will result in finding a passage that you find to your liking. some were of course, cautionary advise, as to how to be living in Christ and how not to. then there are those that totally seem to be telling you to turn back from your ways. in some of the passages, i find that that passage seems to be rebuking me for what i had done wrong in the past.

through all these readings and prayers, i have felt myself change. my thought pathway have changed. my daily routine have changed. my vision of myself have changed. i know there will be sometimes where i will backslide, but as much as i can, with all my strength and all my mind, i will love God.

loving God, having faith in the resurrection, believing in the gospel is life changing. i felt a small measure of that when i first converted, and now i feel it stronger.

Jesus did not die so that we can live in sin. He died and rose so that we may die in our sinful ways and live life cleansed from sin.

the gospel does not tell us that we will be happy, rich or otherwise abundant in this life. in fact it tells of hardship if we are to follow Christ. it merely presents that if we do the will of our God, we will be able to arise and abide in His glory forever.

loving God, means knowing His will, doing them and trusting that it's best for us. i have struggled with this. a lot. now i hope i have began to trust in Him more and more, that i may act to glorify His name.

He knows my desires, my wants and my needs, and i trust that He will give me what i need, and give me my desires if He sees fit. it is not easy for me to make myself feel this way. there is a measure of emptiness, of despair and hopelessness, because you give up the control over your own desires. in return i have felt, peace and contentment.

while i want it, God will give it to me, if it is His will. it may not be now, may not be ever. if it is never, His will be done. He is with me in all my pain, my empty days and night and He is with me through my triumph.

it is easy to be angry at God when we are down and hurt. and it is easy to forget about God in the moments of our achievements.

at all times and all place, let us sing praise to the Lord. when we put God first, love Him the most, then we find peace and purpose, like never before.

Mat 6:31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
Mat 6:32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

remembering

all the wonderful Valentine's Day we shared puts a sad smile on my face. really wished we could do that every year. now it seems so distant and achy.

lazy day

went out with mom for dinner then sat at starbucks and chatted for about 3 hours.

talked about lots of stuff and told her more about God. every little bit helps. Thank you my Lord. =)

still rather moody and depressed. think i'll be like this a quite sometime more. just got to buck up and do my shit. i'm doing what i can so far and considering more options as i read more and figure more things our.

trust that God will put me where he wants and not where i want. it's tough to think that sometimes, but got to learn to trust Him more and let Him steer my life. really excited about what's going to happen this year, as i can feel that things are moving forward after some troubles in the past years. very strange indeed, even things at home are changing. the relatives that have not really been communicating are now closet together and i feel some positive feeling around.

i think these few weeks have been tough and i have changed much. i feel less inhibited now. i feel like i am more able to chiong and get stuff done. it's like some stone have been lifted from my neck and i have more energy and spirit to go out and do things. lethargy was my big killer, it's getting lesser everyday.

thank you dear God, for everything in my life. though i have some tough times, i know You put them there for me to be built up, to be better, that i may better perform Your works and glorify Your name. you know my heart more than anyone else, i pray Lord that you will guide me and strengthen me, that i may be an instrument worthy of Your use. i have always known that good works is not for reward, either here or heavenly, but only for because You made it good and it is our duty to do them. it is not easy to do that all the time, i ask that You, my Lord, will forgive us when we fail and renew us that we may do them more and more, for the glory of Your kingdom. Amen.

Aedh wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-W.B. Yeats (1865–1939).  The Wind Among the Reeds.  1899

fairness

is not always there in a relationship. if you are looking for that, then i think it'll most likely fail at some point.

sometimes you do stupid things and needs to be forgiven and loved. sometimes you are disappointed and should be forgiving and loving. this way, the relationship can move ahead. after these episodes, the parties become more understanding and hopefully do less stupid things to spoil what they have. not all hurt caused are the same or felt to be the same intensity. some relationship might have one side doing more stupid things than the other by a lot.

some people stick by each other, feeling as there is no end point to the relationship, because the love for each other is enough to always end up in forgiveness and love.

sometimes not.

spectrum

been thinking about me, specifically my personality.

i am a introverted person, who likes to think about stuff carefully and am usually shy about meeting new people. this is my personal self.

i act extroverted, talk to people i barely know and crack random jokes. this is my public self.

when i did DISC and TJTA i was found to have personality type of Peacemaker.
Extract below from http://www.axiomsoftware.com/

This type of profile, showing a high level of Steadiness with no other balancing factors, is seen somewhat less often than many profiles. Steadiness is the factor of patience, calmness and gentle openness, and a pure High-S style will reflect these qualities. People of this kind are generally amiable and warm-hearted, being sympathetic to others' points of view, and valuing positive interaction with others. They are not outgoing by nature, however, and rely on other, more assertive, people to take the lead.
As in their general lifestyle, this type of person will look to more socially assertive people to initiate relationships of any kind - their solid, dependable outlook makes them far more suited to the maintenance of interpersonal relations than making initial contact. For this reason, their circle of friends and close acquaintances is often small but tightly-knit.
This person's particular strengths can be summarised as 'supportive'. They are dependable and loyal, this combines with an emotional literacy to make them particularly effective listeners and counsellors. They are also unusually persistent in approach, having the patience and restraint to work steadily at a task until it is achieved. This makes them unusually capable of dealing with laborious tasks that many other styles would simply not have the patience to complete.
The underlying patience of this type of person is the root of their motivating factors. They need to feel that they have the support of those around them and, more importantly, time to adapt to new situations. They have an inherent dislike of change, and will prefer to maintain the status quo whenever possible; sudden alterations in their circumstances can be very difficult for them to deal with. Once embarked on a task, they will wish to concentrate closely on it and see it through. Interruptions and distractions of any kind can be particularly demotivating in these situations.

though the test was taken about 2 years ago, i feel it still describes me pretty closely. while i can stay on mind about stuff, i get demotivated rather easily and if i am abandoned by whom i feel should have stuck by me, i kind of just implode. so, i am needy, even though i can stay on task at hand.

this is my personal self, what i really feel.

what i show outwardly when i coach is something different. i assume a coach persona. it have to be this way to a large extend. the confidence and the easy going nature, is not easy for me to cultivate. i must genuinely feel that what i do is right to build that confidence and show it out, which means i must be sure of what i do and to my best ability figure out that it's right. being so open and trying to be funny is the bigger problem. from introverted and thoughtful, i have to assume to be friendly and playful, and even to be assertive.

this public self thing drains me. after sometime like that, i would really need to spend some quiet time  i need to just be with my close friend(s), loved one and do something relaxing and be myself, my personal self. when i do not have time for this, i spiral down in to depressed mood and feel withdrawn from the world whenever i can. it's not healthy. so, while i can and do enjoy being outwardly fun and engaging, i need to balance with my own needs to be quiet and subdued. to feel loved even though i am not so fun.

so, this reflect what my 'brother' and i figured out years ago. we reached a conclusion that while i can said to be a balanced person, my balance is achieved by weighing two extreme ends carefully and constantly. when i go too far inwards, i should be somewhat more outgoing and after sometime being outgoing, i need to withdraw into being me again.

it's like how i have very strong opinions about some stuff and no opinion about others. it's either i have thought about it and have an opinion or i have not thought about it, or even more remotely, i thought about it and found no opinion about it.

i have learnt to live with myself and how to push myself to do more stuff. while it may not seem like it, but i do think alot about the future. i guess it does not seem so cause i rarely take big actions. when i do take actions, it's a series of smaller steps i suppose. this is my problem, i do not feel so comfortable taking huge risk and make big changes. and sometimes, it is necessary. what i have learnt is that, after considerations, if it is necessary, i just have to go at it boldly. if not, the time might pass and i am left with nothing. like now i suppose.

i can see how me, my personality and how i interact with the whole can be difficult to live with. just let me say this, if anyone reads this anyway, 'trust me. love me. i will make sure we are alright.' God bless. and good night.