resist fail

i am now confused. i don't even know how i feel.

suddenly tossed into the deep end again.

who am i even?

question

so now the question is..

why am i even trying?
why do i keep trying?
what do i think i am?

ok..that mean the first statement here is wrong..it should be..plural.

i carry a lot of emotional baggage. trying to let them go. failing. perhaps..one way or another, i am destined to fail. only to succeed in being a negative example.

bordering on the line of being sober and drunk.
formation of thoughts is like a jigsaw.
still my own mental barrier serves as a force of will to keep me going.

my only wish is that, the day i break, i won't be harming anyone, anymore.

dealt

being rather introverted have it's bad times and good times. add some depression into the mix, there is not much light in the world through these weary eyes.

being introverted is not like having an extrovert self that don't know how to get out and show itself. it's more like..enjoy deep and meaningful exchange that really want to get to the bottom of things and really really know someone or something. it's tiring and yet fulfilling. when being forced to deal with mundane and superficial things, it's tiring and not fulfilling at all. and thus it becomes draining.

being introverted, like many would say, also means we need our own time and space more than others. we recharge by being alone with our thoughts or a good book or nothing or a game, a movie, a song.. i can totally see myself enjoying that, alone.

it's not that we cannot socialise, it's just perhaps more tiring and strange compared to how extroverts feel when dealing with people. i force myself to deal with people on a rather uncomfortable platform all the time, and it does get easier, but no less draining. and at the end of it, i would love to have some time to myself or just a few close friends.

now all that seem rather normal. but sometimes i get depressed. not like major depression, but i do wish i could go there and actually feel what the deep end feels like. then maybe i won't want to go there anymore. and i also fear that once i get there, i cannot get out. and that's not to mention the responsibilities that i have, and are still growing. even though i am alone and living with my parents, the amount of responsibilities i take on keep growing. i..can manage, but i know not for how long more.

the nights are getting longer and my days are filled with less smiles. perhaps it's time to leave.

mirror : 1

many years ago, i did something wrong. and to erase that which i did, i allowed something to happen which was terrible. and as time went by, it happened a few more times and with each passing i was less affected by it. i lost my feelings for the morality of it and i became..trapped.

some part of me knows it. know it to be a horrible thing to allow and continue to ignore the responsibilities i had for it. and yet, some part of me block that off and continue to be me.

it's been part of me since then, it's not something you forget. even in the brightest of days and the happiest of moments, the memory can come back and i am humbled and depressed. i knew the severity of it and that i had the power to stop it, but i didn't. my choice was to be blind. and now, there is nothing i can do to recover what i let go and no way that i can atone for any of that.

my only hope is that, there is a better world out there for those i let down.

for me, i don't know anymore. some part of me don't even dare to try anymore.

clean

clean in the body, clean in the mind. one is easy and the other is tricky.

been reducing food intake, clean of alcohol and eating lots more fruits and veggies. feels like..a strange thing..like..i don't like it, but i want to do it. i want to break free of my wants and my useless habits. gaming much less now. thinking and studying much more.

and yet..i am lost. i don't know myself. i don't know what i want. i am trying to get better at my studies and my job, and they seems so hard now that i have more time for them. it's the same, but my increase in effort, yields no improvements. it's been months. i am disappointed in myself. i don't know what else i should be doing.

and now..many things that i have been doing is crumbling around me. i think i know who is trying to take me down. i know i can survive and do something else..something better even. i just cannot seem to find out what is it that i want to do. what is it that i need. is my life just like that? survive and breath moment to moment.

what am i to do?

if only it was that simple..

i think many people still do not understand the way economy works in this modern times. i do not profess a good knowledge as well, but i try to read and understand more about the world in general and how it ticks.

i see many people getting angry about 6.9mil. angry with retiring later. angry with..i don't know..MRT breaking down sometimes? crowded on bus? good FOREIGN prof not given tenure? kids cannot get course of choice in local U?

so many whining people..!! why??

let's see..we need the population to pay taxes to continue to give the same or better access to medicine and health care as well as other infrastructures in the country. we need a certain percentage of working adults earning a certain amount to reach the amount that the country needs to run on. so, it is pro-business, which creates jobs, which create taxes. right?

it's not only happening to us. in other countries, they are also trying to attract big companies, which will in turn want their own people in certain places to run the show. which means, we will have foreigners. i think there are people who are unhappy with foreign talents taking our jobs. the only way is to prove that we can do a better job or create our own jobs. unfortunately, many companies, to cut cost, decides to hire foreigners, which may or may not be cheaper. and certainly some would complain that Singaporeans lack the drive and such..it's our own fault to create such a situation.

since the figures for lower end foreign workers are reduced to lower the job snatching from our own people, we need more people to work. so it makes sense that a fixed number of population, needs to work more years. so why are they angry at maybe needing to work longer? people ask for less foreigner, gov reduce foreigners, people need to work to replace foreigners, people complain. like..similan? this also applies to higher paying jobs. less foreigners, more locals need to work. else..jobs go elsewhere and SG loses appeal to companies..then we are in deep shit.

on notes that i do agree with the noise makers are that we are seriously quite crowded. i do understand that having a large population is good for the economy and such, i think this fake growth is dangerous and unreliable in terms of giving economical figures. it will collapse someday and we should have something to back that up if it should collapse in a  disastrous manner.

i think sometimes, we take things for granted..in general as Singaporeans. other places can be better in some terms and worse in come cases. being Singapore, i think we have done well. and to keep up being excellent is tougher than getting here in the first place. i think the gov is slowly learning to be more accommodating to people's ideas and wants. it's good for some, and not enough for others. we'll see..

the problem i see with many people is that they know only the big news and the picture painted by the media, regardless of what media they subscribe to. then they make noise. the real situation have got more facets and more concerns than what the media can or will say. if we, as citizens, are not willing to learn more and think about the issues, we have only ourselves to blame for 'being fooled' by the media. both sides of the media also wayang, supporters on both sides also, not thinking clearly in many of the situation. the solution is not simple and i venture to say, requires individuals to think as individuals for the good of the nation. to do that, we need to read to find out more and know more, then to think how it will impact us and then what would/could be better.

instead of being sheeps, one way or another, we need to be citizens.