loneliness

is a state of mind. does not matter who you are with or what you are doing.

think i had my share of ups and downs in life so far. i expect more to come. i don't like being alone. it just amplifies the loneliness.

granted we cannot always have people around us. but whenever i am alone..i neglect myself. i eat less..or eat crap..or simply don't eat. i don't function properly.. i also have tendencies to not do anything at all. simply walk around and stone.

but recently..been better. been getting used to it. letting go of a crutch. getting out of comfort zone. travel alone and work alone. doing what needs to be done. all in all..i think i have become more whole.

no longer needing anyone..to chat or sms or hang with. no longer lonely when alone.

but still when people are around..i feel better. as if my existance is more complete with people i know around.

and i miss you. yes..you.

i am alright being alone now..doesn't mean i like it. but i can..and will if needed.

what is our greatest fear?

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of God.
your playing small does not serve the world.

there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
and as we let our own light shine,we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson

for us.

stand up and shine.

stretched

butter over too much bread.

as usual. ken always does this. it's like he likes to torture himself. do so many things, then screw up little bit here and there. usually his own things. yeah..ken is mad.

but it's like he wants to do as much as his time allows as not to waste time of his life. yet he also want quality. sOo..he does alot and try his best. in the end. suffering.

anyway, he now does his best at this thing. cause, really, he don't have much else. at least he thinks so. he have God, friends, family..and so many other things. but this thing, he MUST do well. others are involved in it. it's crucial. but it's not the only thing he has. perhaps it's just a way to drive himself.

ken..is mad.

'now that the world isn't ending,
it's love that i'm sending to you.
it isn't the love of a hero,
that's why i fear it won't do.'
-Chad Kroeger

percieve

through a looking glass..watching them play out your worst fears.
unable to resist. unable to look away. unable to hide the pains.
as they slowly make their moves and say the words that you know are ineviatable.

you wilt.

as you look up to the sky, wishing your tears away.
wishing for a better tomorrow.
deep down, you know. you'll wake up in tears again.

again.

i am cruel. because that's the best way to learn. straight from the truth.
the person i am most cruel to, is myself.

that's when i go on my knees and pray for God to have mercy on my sanity

thrown around

nothing much serious here anymore i think.

perhaps i am too dulled by daily requirements of life. work. work and faces. masks, rather. when i am working or facing certain peoples. sOo..my emotions are kept in check until i am too tired to let it out and run them through me..

how ridiculus.

do i dare hang on? do i dare let go?

for lots of things i dare. simply because i know the consequence and i can accept them. only very few things i am hesitant. this is one of them. it's not a question of what i right or good, cause there isn't such distinction here. it's not a question of what's best for myself. it's not what's best for everyone.

given such a situation, kind of like some in the past, where the question i had was, 'how far will i go?', 'how much will i do?', inrelation to 'how much do i want it?'

now it's simply, 'do i dare?'

do i dare? what's it worth? what will it cost? in the end it might all be for nothing.

it's like a bet.
i have $2.
the bet is $5,000.
if i win, i will get $$$.
if i lose, i lose more than i can afford.

darn, it's obscure. hahaha..

do i dream? or do i dream it's over?

requeim for a dream

bah

been feeling like i want to blog but after numerus attempts, i just can't get words out of the feeling i am have now.

words seems to have gotten stuck. feelings are also half formed.

everything i do seems so..pointless.

when i have people around..i feel good. i feel alive. but once i am home and alone..doing work or playing games..then things seem..pointless. they don't really matter. work is to get money, important..but means to and end. games..waste time to find some form of leisure or pleasure.

things that occupy my mind at times include but not limited to the following. not in order of priority or seriousness.
my ex, she's getting married soon. she probably don't know that i know. but..i do..well..
somebody. i guess i am missing having somebody that close to walk and talk. but i guess somebody got other things better to do.
work, is so crap. people. adults. irresponsible for their own actions. who am i to tell them?
friends having troubles. troubles me as well. i wish i can help them more. but everyone have their own demons to face.
you, yes you. hope you are alright.
money, yes i am bothered by it. not enough to study next year. again. another year busted. want to tear my hair out already.
being lonely. my prison. bane of my sanity.

'i was walking around, just a face in the crowd
trying to keep myself out of the rain
saw a vagabond king wear a styrofoam crown
wondered if i might end up the same
there's a man out on the corner
singing old songs about change
everybody got their cross to bare, these days'
-Bon Jovi

quiz 11

'If you find yourself in a hole, imagine a red traffic sign that says stop.'

huh?!?!

hehe..looks like heidi's going to win..

paradoxes

let it go, and you'll get it.

true for so many things that are precious. only when you can let go of the need for it, then do you realise that it's yours.

it takes years of hardwork to be an overnight success.

sOo true. don't you think? who knows the years of pain and toils one goes through? perhaps cause we all just want to s@@ the success and fruits. not the pains and labor. to dream and wish you could be one too.

be quick, but never hurry.

everything have it's own pace..to rush it, would spoil it.

paradox-a seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true.

thin line to walk on paradoxes..for it to remain true.

a kind of feeling

while sleeping just now, when i got back from church, i had a strange feeling.

it's as if my emotions are expressed. put into words and sung out. and i heard it from my computer's speakers. all the little things that i am bothered by and am putting aside. it's like they were sung to me and i listened and am bothered less now. healed abit more. a moment of clarity.

but, now that i am awake, i cannot find anything remotely like what i felt on my playlist history and everything. i remember certain words and certain tunes which i find familiar while half dreaming..that i cannot find now. strange.

many of the things i 'heard' are what i wanted to say about how i felt on certain issues. i thought the words were just perfect. but the words are lost..in my dreams.

it's abit comforting. it's abit confusing.

just went through my whole songs collections. nothing that sings to me like what did when i was half asleep.. hai..lost moment.

spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
i need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
-Sarah McLachlan

quiz..again.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 56% Stability 70% Orderliness 36% Accommodation 56% Interdependence 56% Intellectual 90% Mystical 70% Artistic 70% Religious 56% Hedonism 36% Materialism 43% Narcissism 63% Adventurousness 70% Work ethic 50% Self absorbed 63% Conflict seeking 36% Need to dominate 50% Romantic 70% Avoidant 50% Anti-authority 76% Wealth 23% Dependency 16% Change averse 36% Cautiousness 76% Individuality 50% Sexuality 63% Peter pan complex 56% Physical security 56% Physical Fitness 64% Histrionic 43% Paranoia 50% Vanity 30% Hypersensitivity 56% Female cliche 30%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:

messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic

jealous!

You are 41.27% jealous!
For this test, the average jealousy percentage is 35.
54%.363298 people have taken this test to date.

This percentage means that :
You are not a jealous person, but sometimes can be.
Occasionally, you over-react to situations.
Most of the time, you trust the people around.
Jealously will not be a major issue in relationships, but you might want to improve your self-esteem.

Test now!

another test thingy.

walking on

there are certainly times when carrying on with life is tough.

when things are weighed on you and your steps seemingly falter at every turn. no longer daring to make a choice about anything. when things you do seems all wrong and nothing is going your way. times when everything you want is so far away and things that hurt you are always on your mind even when they are not around.

when pain is your familiar companion.

friends are occupied with themselves and leave no time to stand by you. when family are not around, away on their chores and 'need-to's'. you are all alone in the crowd when you want to break down. you are with people you don't want to be with. the few that you trust are away somewhere.

misery likes company.

life have a way of putting the harshest lesson to you when you are lowest.

for me, i tell myself one things, 'ken, walk on. you will survive. you always do.'

and i always did.

failure and pain are great teachers if we know how to 'listen' to them. to be able to retrospectively analyse what happened and then improve upon yourself have got to be our greatest gift. we are not perfect. not even close. we need to do, fail and learn, to get better.

Failure is not the worst thing in the world, the very worst is not to try.

and so, my friends.

my dear friends. be strong. walk on.

for dreams of better tomorrows.

dream on

with a smile and an enpowering outlook of life.

it is not your aptitude, but your attitude, that determines your altitude.
-Zig Ziglar

as long as we are persistent in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. we cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. it happens in its own time.
-Denis Waitley

talking to you

be well and take care.

i understand some of the things you need to do for yourself. though i wish things are different..i hope you always take care of yourself first.

it's all heart.

animal side

Your WOLF DAEMON shows that you are solitary,
ferocious, and often intimidating, but not
without your sufficient loyalty and poise.
People tend to misunderstand you, but you
prefer your own company, anyway.


What Animal Would Your Daemon Settle As?
brought to you by Quizilla

mind gym

ninety percent of the game, is half mental.

so is life.

had a good weekend since i came back from JKT. met friends and had good food. went to church. overall a very (w)holistic weekend. haha..

Psa 23:
the LORD [is] my shepherd; i shall not want.
he maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
he restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
tThou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and i will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

life's been kind these days. more calm and peaceful. and it's all because of Him. knowing that all i need to do is my best and do my duties well. be righteous and kind. be strong and faithful. then He'll take care of the rest..is such a joy.=)

all it takes, is a mental paradigm shift and accept Him.

though there are trials, they no longer scare me or make me small. instead i grow strong and become better.

to be a servant leader.

lake of fire

Where do gangstas go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly. (4x)

As the guitar gently weeps
My Rivera (car) streaks
Into the night like a bat out of hell.
All the wishes in the well couldn't keep me from my cell
I'm feeling paranoid I couldn't trust my clientele.
The Marlboro blows, I blow the smoke through my nose.
You reap what you sow, and Lord I know.
I took route 87 upstate New York.
I'm feelin like I sinned, so I must be getting soft.
Got an angel on my right, the devil on my left,
Conscious being on my brain, for every single death.
I'm seeing ghosts, I'm being haunted like the tell-tale heart.
I'm on the road alone, headlights in the dark.
I never ever ratted, kept my mouth shut.
Bad karma all around, and I'm running out of luck.
Next soldier wants my job, better watch my back,
Or I'll be the one in the trunk getting whacked.

CHORUS

Flatfoot on the street, rookie on the beat,
Looking for the crack spot, trying to hit a jackpot.
Have not, want not, gun shot, blough.
Dirty cop on the prowl, it's all legal.
Fuck karma, chameleon, Irish, Sicilian
Heritage since birth, sold my soul for what it's worth.
From London to Perth, Tokyo to Paris,
Caught in the Abyss like my name was Ed Harris.
Trying to build this palace, my heart's full of malice.
My soul's corrupt, I'm about to erupt.
Internal investigation's got me facing 25 to life,
I'm thinking kids and wife.
They cut me up, rough me up, and sweat my connection.
Now they got us all under witness protection.

CHORUS

Before there was a lotto, his people took your numbers.
Odds on the game; the point spreads over/under.
Went to private school, educated by nuns.
But like a pagan lost his faith through the gods of the guns.
A heist like the Brinks
Iced ladies like rinks
thought theyd never see the clink.
Slapped on the wrist, his case was dismissed.
You see, money talks, yo, it pays if you're rich, pops.
Grease the bulls (cops), just to bribe the judge.
Should have scared 'em straight, should of gave 'em tough love.
But that's when they hauled him from the jury to the warden.
Everybody had a price, but this time they can't afford 'em.
-Lordz of Brooklyn

life in general

been pretty fine. 5/10

work, shoot, rest, hang out with friends and some time alone. pretty normal, pretty good.

what's not good about my life, i guess, is the fact that i don't have someone to share it with. i guess i have not found someone that close, that comfortable, that..someone special. i have close friends and people around me whom i tell almost everything..but the feeling is not..that..close..maybe iam asking too much. wanting too much. time will tell. for now..on with life..on with things i need to do for myself.

to be all i can be.

work is normal, which equals, rushed at times, super slack at times. shooting..starting to get back at it..again. pretty ok. better idea of what to improve on..so hopefully become better soon. been reading less recently, and spending more time contemplating life..which i enjoy as well.

sOo..all in all. i'm pretty fine with my life now. financially stable-er. can start saving for learning things and increasing my assets. heh..like laptop and equipment and stuffs..not like 'assets'.

if God brings you to it..he will bring you through it.
Keep the faith.

one liner

Love each other or perish.

Quiz 10

'He had no doubt he stood a fair chance of the princess dragging him off to bed in the next room.'

hehe. Ooohh..

progressively madder.

Team Singapore

Compound Men Individual Gold - Vinson Heng
Compound Men Team Gold - Vinson Heng, Eugene Kwong, Michael Ong, Ray Lee
Compound Women Individual Silver - Maryanne Gul
Compound Women Team Silver - Maryanne Gul, Sharon Tan, Shirlene Lee, Janie Leong

we kicked assed during the events!

though i must say our folk's form is not good, but they did their best and got the results for it.

during the team event, our team versus India. we tied all the way till the third tie and had to measure the closest arrow!!! OMFG..!!!

excitment * 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

recurve men did not do as well. against the might of india and korea. hmm..more work to do.

what a week

been rather busy this week.

a few birthday celebrations for people, a few times for some. overall pretty fun and nice. to have friends around and having a good time together.

mood have been up and down. rather unstable. but also rather enlightening about my own character. i like to dwell on things when i am too free. need to break free and get on with doing things and thinking about more useful stuff. not about things i cannot change. no matter how much i wish at that point of time.

easier said then done. but let's do anyway.

work load have been unstable as well. but more used to it and now contacting directly with ssc people, so more control and less rush about things cause i get them on time now. haha. yeah..!! but the association is a mess. trying to clear up the mess, but it involve people who are blind and stupid. hai..do what i can. the rest is not up to me.

let no one say, i did not do my best. not ever again.

everytime i leave..no matter for a short while or a long trip..i will feel as if i lost somethings. i'll get detached from life here abit more and cannot connect back when i return. then i'll get a fresher perspective on things here but at the same time lose the closeness i had with stuff. hai.. guess it was during one of my trips that thigns happened..and now have a phobia of rubbish.

bzzt!

'when i go away i'll miss you
and i will be thinking of you
every night and day just

promise me you'll wait for me
'cos i'll be saving all my love for you
and i will be home soon
promise me you'll wait for me
i need to know you feel the same way too
and i'll be home, i'll be home soon '
-Beverly Craven

songs

heard some chinese songs on radio and the memories flooded my senses again.

these are songs i loved.

不甘心不放手

不再執著於昨天的痴狂
我的心像是台北的街頭　不知該往哪裏走

你的心像閃爍的霓虹
叫人迷戀　卻也迷惑　我沒有把握

誰在慫恿　夜的脆弱
撫平的傷又隱隱作痛
是誰說過　不再回頭
還是讓你　淹沒了我(將我淹沒)

想放棄卻不能甘心放手
留你在夢中　卻苦痛了我
等著傷心不如學會承受
反正你不會是我的

想放棄卻不能甘心放手
留你在夢中　卻苦痛了我
等你想起不如先忘記你
反正離開你的人是我
- 动力火车

really like the way they put their emotions and energy into their music. used to go to their concerts too. really high powered.=)

alot of things to do, think and leave aside. been wanting a respite for so long now, maybe i should just forget it.

take care my friends. hope all of you are fine when i'm away. i'm sorry i cannot be around sometimes. i love all you still.

simply

reasons for things to happen?
why?
hurt and pain?
joy and laughter?
empty wishes and stolen moments?
fulfilled days and complete lives?

simply because i am i, and you are you.