recovering

you know those people who attends AA are suppose to never consider themselves 'recovered'. the addiction is a problem and the alcohol is a crutch for them. they tend to always have addiction problems, just how severe and to what. so they are all 'recovering addicts'. this keeps them in the perspective that they need to be constantly aware of the issue and stay strong to avoid being tempted again.

in this case, i think i see a parallel  with being what Christians like to called as 'saved'. we still sin. and we can still back slide, so to speak, and become further from God's grace. so instead of calling Christians 'saved', we should be 'being saved'. for every moment in this world can be a turning point when a person becomes tempted to leave God and His love, to fall into sin again. similar to AA, the term 'being saved' should help us to be aware of the fact that it's not over until we depart from here and return to the side of the Lord. and thus, keeps us on our toes and not act all haughty and holier-than-thou.

point being, until we are done here, while we still preserve our freedom of choice, as we still possess a will of our own, we can still turn from God and His ways. so, if we are keen to stay in His grace and mercy, we should always be aware of our own failings and sins. thus we should constantly, check ourselves, know our actions and ask for forgiveness for the wrongs that we did and ask for guidance and mercy so that we can be better.

truth is, i was thinking about something else, before my thoughts draw nearer to God and our relationship with Him on this earth.

i was rather confident that i am alright and will be good to meet up with friends and be friends. i was wrong. i still love Kim very much and being just friends hurts. i don't know if she feels the same. part of me wish that she does, and a small part hope that she doesn't. i am confused. as confused and hurt as a month or so ago.

i am not over her. maybe i am not even trying. i am trying to be better to be able to win her back. is that the right thing to do? i don't know, but for now those actions are the same i would take if i have no one i love. so carry on i go. only difference is that i miss her and wishes for us to be better and be more than friends.

that is up to God's plan, easy to say, hard to let go. pray i shall and do what i should do. what else can i do?

so i am still being saved and still in love. life taking new turns soon, and without a companion to speak to and discuss life with, it's.. ..rather hollow. i am never one to work for my own goals. am trying to set and go towards some, but it feels strange.

should have seen it coming when the roses died
should have seen the end of summer in your eyes
should have listened when you said, "goodnight"
you really meant goodbye
baby, ain't it funny, how i never ever learn to fall?
you're really on your knees when you think you're standing tall
but only fools are 'know it all's' and i played that fool for you

i cried and i cried there were nights that i died for you, baby
i tried and i tried to deny your love drove me crazy, baby

if the love that i've got for you is gone
if the river i cried ain't that long
then i'm wrong, yeah i'm wrong, this ain't a love song
-Jon Bon Jovi

how can i not love you

how can i not love you
what do i tell my heart
when do i not want you
here in my arms
how does one waltz away
from all the memories
how do i not miss you
when you are gone
-Joy Enriquez

finally

a lazy afternoon to rest.

been keeping busy and getting things done. pretty satisfied with the stuff i have been doing, but needs to do more. waiting for things to happen, then i'll be busier.

though i wish..someone else is here with me.

Psa 34:18 The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Psa 34:19 Many [are] the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

life goes on

these two months have been so many things. sad, trying, broken, getting close to God, having good friends around, recovering, drunk speak, collapse on the floor with bottle of tequila in hand and crying to mom, moving ahead with plans in spite of all these. it's times like these, where life pushes you to go out there and get things done. things ranging from getting drunk, to getting interviews, to learning new skills and even just learning to sit down and open your mind and heart to God.

it's strange that in my life, many times when i just want to make changes to go on ahead, things change for the worse. it's painful. and i push on, i become better in some ways and in some ways never recover. now, things are looking better, and yet i want to recover what i lost. i feel that, i am empty without that.

and as i feel that way, i know that God have plans for me. to push forward. i am comforted and perplexed at the same time. i am scared and hopeful at the same time. i am eager and downcast at the same time. i can only pray and hope that as i go along life, i will learn to trust Him more and enjoy myself as i be His instrument. i know that these days, i have had encounters to spread His love and i did. knowing that, i am satisfied.

i go on in life. i go on being God's child and servant. and still i feel, i am missing a piece. though i hurt, i pray.
not as i wish Lord, but Your will be done.

1John 5:14 And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:
1John 5:15 And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.

leading

strange days and stranger nights.

slept for an hour and woke up feeling rather refreshed. cannot get back to sleep. don't feel tired at all, but think i will suffer later in the day.

anyway, since i could not sleep, i did some reading and re-read this interesting article on ST some time back. now posted on some blog.
http://dinmerican.wordpress.com/2010/09/11/days-of-reflection-for-mm-lee-kuan-yew/

reading it and the comments makes me realize a few things.
sgforumers are generally idiots compared to forumers such as these.
“We mourn the blossoms of May, for they are to wither; but we know, that May is one day to have its revenge upon November, by the revolution of that solemn circle which never stops,–which teaches us always, in our height of hope, ever to be sober, and in our depth of desolation, never to despair.”
LKY knows that he did terrible things. he chose to do them. for what? for Singapore. do we really understand what had to be done at those times?
everyone makes mistakes. not even he could foresee the problems that arose from his decisions. so live with it.
he is a man. a smart man. a powerful man. still a man. his wife have since passed on. he is old and frail. he knows it's soon. and yet, besides all this, he worries about Singapore and our future. what a man!

yes, many people condemn him and his family for running Singapore the way it is being run. to me, we have done well. could we have done better? probably not by much. to do much much worse is much much easier. recent years have seen tremendous change in global, regional and local scene. i believe Singapore needs to stand firm in this troubled times and not be swayed by passing squalls. it seems that the government is more keen to go with the flow, even when the flow change every few months. not easy on the populace. still we need to change and adapt. perhaps..

then i remember searching and reading about 'Maranatha'.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maranatha
http://www.swamij.com/maranatha.htm

interesting. will further study that. ok, try to sleep another hour before leaving the house.

blade runner

when i first watched it so many years ago, i was so young and could not appreciate it. except for the parts that had action or some sci-fi stuff.

re-watching it now brings such a revelation. no wonder it is a classic in many people's opinion. no matter the setting, the story of the struggle for survival is such a main theme that one can almost taste it. the ending brings a amazing closure with a subtle twist.

undeserved
we find love
in the end

meandering

stuff are happening. i am progressing. some stuff changed and am now confused what's next. praying for guidance and decision as to what should i do.

so far, nothing bad happened. so it's good. i think. am more aware of what i really want to do and found out more about what i need to do to get there. hmm..not easy i guess, but oh well.

Psa 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. 

once again.

can't sleep. can't think. can't stop thinking. 2 steps forward 1 step back.

i want to get on to be better and do the things i need to do and want to do. and through all that, to love God. and you.

you know who you are. i am lonely, if i don't feel so then i'm not alive. i miss you. <3

1 Cor 13

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. (KJV) 1611
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (ESV) 2002
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV) 1973
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these [is] charity. (WEB) 1833

http://www.greatsite.com/timeline-english-bible-history/
http://www.godandscience.org/apologetics/bibleorigin.html
http://www.gentles.info/BibleHistory/Index_History.html
http://www.historyworld.net/wrldhis/PlainTextHistories.asp?historyid=ac66

this struck me as strange..that this passage was translated to say charity instead of love which i am sure many people are familiar with. so i did some reading on the bible versions and translations.

it turns out that KJV, while sounding old and somewhat incoherent to me, is translated to English using 5 manuscripts. the WEB, was based on the KJV and made some edits. the NIV was created by translating 5664 greek scripts. and the ESV, compiled the NIV with other translations to be more 'complete'.

this confusion for me became a learning trip for me. reading about the translations and what each set out to do. so while i was trying to understand the bible better in terms of spiritual teachings and how to live as a Christian, here i gained a deeper understanding of the bibles we read.

still

afloat. still drifting.

not yet gotten a direction. not yet gotten a purpose. i have some ideas, but still waiting to be confirmed, still waiting for something to happen. in God's hands now.

as i feel more relaxed and not as broken, i still feel sad. for the things i did not do to prevent this, and the things i did to hasten this. maybe there was no escape. maybe it was meant to be like this to build me up. maybe..you are not meant to be mine.

ok..now i'm getting emo. nights. over and out.

ups and downs

so today actually was great. but i did do something i should not have done. feel confused and bad about it. been praying about it since it happened. man..phhht. weak soul.

anyway, discovered something that i should have thought of long ago. but not too late. and it feels like it's the right thing to do. will pray about it and see how it goes.

sent out more resumes last night. man..there are job out there, but why not reply?haha.. see, i am still eagerly waiting for some hints of acceptance somewhere, so that i can move on and see progress in my life. on the other hand, i feel like i should just send out as i see fit and wait for God to direct me where He wants. so that it really one huge load off my shoulder. this new found reliance on God's strength, wisdom and plan is very intriguing. like i know i should be anxious, and i am, but in a different way. peace is there, acceptance is there. it's on my mind, but no longer eating at me like it used to.

and so, God is really my shelter and refuge now. and my own strength and abilities are nothing in light of His power over all thing. and having this trust and faith, makes me more focused and yet relax. i will still do my best, cause God knows my efforts and heart in all things. and on top of that, His hand is there to shape me and my future. i know it's not a new message, but it is new to me! i knew it, but i just am learning to live it. indeed God is wonderful.

with so many things happening pointing to His hand that shaped me and gave me chance to talk to my mom about it, i am more optimistic about what is to come. no matter if it is my wants or not, it is His will and it is good. <3

God's will

for the first time in my life, i feel that i was submitting to God's will.

these few weeks have been trying. having bad mood swings, had drunk days and had ranted to anyone who would listen. after some time, all those stopped working, pain and loneliness became my constant companion even when friends or family are around.

since it happened, i have read the bible more regularly and praying more regularly. on top of that, i would occasionally find a passage especially interesting and read up more on them, and then think about what it meant to me in my life now. so all in all, i have grown closer to God and know the bible better. even though this is my 3rd reading of the NT, it is not surprising that i still find many passages fresh and  intriguing. i guess it also helps that i am reading in KJV and ESV side by side. by doing this, i have found that some passages in the ESV do not really reflect the KJV translations, then it will bring me to read up on it and find out what the passages mean if directly translated from Hebrew. and i must say, it is very interesting. while i am no scholar, i do learn more and now i can say, i am glad i did all these.

to those who are serious about learning about God's will, i suggest reading a few versions of the bible and then try to find the Hebrew translation of the passage. it will give more insight to the translations, their times and lifestyle and concerns of the age, as well as the direct meaning of the Hebrew text. then it would be up to us to make the links for the passages into our lives. i feel like i am trying to decipher what the gospel writers are trying to say and what the different translations mean, and i must say, it is very nice to be reading something and find that the meaning is no longer obscure.

while i find it interesting and enriching, i must also caution that not every translation and attempts to understand the Bible will result in finding a passage that you find to your liking. some were of course, cautionary advise, as to how to be living in Christ and how not to. then there are those that totally seem to be telling you to turn back from your ways. in some of the passages, i find that that passage seems to be rebuking me for what i had done wrong in the past.

through all these readings and prayers, i have felt myself change. my thought pathway have changed. my daily routine have changed. my vision of myself have changed. i know there will be sometimes where i will backslide, but as much as i can, with all my strength and all my mind, i will love God.

loving God, having faith in the resurrection, believing in the gospel is life changing. i felt a small measure of that when i first converted, and now i feel it stronger.

Jesus did not die so that we can live in sin. He died and rose so that we may die in our sinful ways and live life cleansed from sin.

the gospel does not tell us that we will be happy, rich or otherwise abundant in this life. in fact it tells of hardship if we are to follow Christ. it merely presents that if we do the will of our God, we will be able to arise and abide in His glory forever.

loving God, means knowing His will, doing them and trusting that it's best for us. i have struggled with this. a lot. now i hope i have began to trust in Him more and more, that i may act to glorify His name.

He knows my desires, my wants and my needs, and i trust that He will give me what i need, and give me my desires if He sees fit. it is not easy for me to make myself feel this way. there is a measure of emptiness, of despair and hopelessness, because you give up the control over your own desires. in return i have felt, peace and contentment.

while i want it, God will give it to me, if it is His will. it may not be now, may not be ever. if it is never, His will be done. He is with me in all my pain, my empty days and night and He is with me through my triumph.

it is easy to be angry at God when we are down and hurt. and it is easy to forget about God in the moments of our achievements.

at all times and all place, let us sing praise to the Lord. when we put God first, love Him the most, then we find peace and purpose, like never before.

Mat 6:31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
Mat 6:32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

remembering

all the wonderful Valentine's Day we shared puts a sad smile on my face. really wished we could do that every year. now it seems so distant and achy.

lazy day

went out with mom for dinner then sat at starbucks and chatted for about 3 hours.

talked about lots of stuff and told her more about God. every little bit helps. Thank you my Lord. =)

still rather moody and depressed. think i'll be like this a quite sometime more. just got to buck up and do my shit. i'm doing what i can so far and considering more options as i read more and figure more things our.

trust that God will put me where he wants and not where i want. it's tough to think that sometimes, but got to learn to trust Him more and let Him steer my life. really excited about what's going to happen this year, as i can feel that things are moving forward after some troubles in the past years. very strange indeed, even things at home are changing. the relatives that have not really been communicating are now closet together and i feel some positive feeling around.

i think these few weeks have been tough and i have changed much. i feel less inhibited now. i feel like i am more able to chiong and get stuff done. it's like some stone have been lifted from my neck and i have more energy and spirit to go out and do things. lethargy was my big killer, it's getting lesser everyday.

thank you dear God, for everything in my life. though i have some tough times, i know You put them there for me to be built up, to be better, that i may better perform Your works and glorify Your name. you know my heart more than anyone else, i pray Lord that you will guide me and strengthen me, that i may be an instrument worthy of Your use. i have always known that good works is not for reward, either here or heavenly, but only for because You made it good and it is our duty to do them. it is not easy to do that all the time, i ask that You, my Lord, will forgive us when we fail and renew us that we may do them more and more, for the glory of Your kingdom. Amen.

Aedh wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-W.B. Yeats (1865–1939).  The Wind Among the Reeds.  1899

fairness

is not always there in a relationship. if you are looking for that, then i think it'll most likely fail at some point.

sometimes you do stupid things and needs to be forgiven and loved. sometimes you are disappointed and should be forgiving and loving. this way, the relationship can move ahead. after these episodes, the parties become more understanding and hopefully do less stupid things to spoil what they have. not all hurt caused are the same or felt to be the same intensity. some relationship might have one side doing more stupid things than the other by a lot.

some people stick by each other, feeling as there is no end point to the relationship, because the love for each other is enough to always end up in forgiveness and love.

sometimes not.

spectrum

been thinking about me, specifically my personality.

i am a introverted person, who likes to think about stuff carefully and am usually shy about meeting new people. this is my personal self.

i act extroverted, talk to people i barely know and crack random jokes. this is my public self.

when i did DISC and TJTA i was found to have personality type of Peacemaker.
Extract below from http://www.axiomsoftware.com/

This type of profile, showing a high level of Steadiness with no other balancing factors, is seen somewhat less often than many profiles. Steadiness is the factor of patience, calmness and gentle openness, and a pure High-S style will reflect these qualities. People of this kind are generally amiable and warm-hearted, being sympathetic to others' points of view, and valuing positive interaction with others. They are not outgoing by nature, however, and rely on other, more assertive, people to take the lead.
As in their general lifestyle, this type of person will look to more socially assertive people to initiate relationships of any kind - their solid, dependable outlook makes them far more suited to the maintenance of interpersonal relations than making initial contact. For this reason, their circle of friends and close acquaintances is often small but tightly-knit.
This person's particular strengths can be summarised as 'supportive'. They are dependable and loyal, this combines with an emotional literacy to make them particularly effective listeners and counsellors. They are also unusually persistent in approach, having the patience and restraint to work steadily at a task until it is achieved. This makes them unusually capable of dealing with laborious tasks that many other styles would simply not have the patience to complete.
The underlying patience of this type of person is the root of their motivating factors. They need to feel that they have the support of those around them and, more importantly, time to adapt to new situations. They have an inherent dislike of change, and will prefer to maintain the status quo whenever possible; sudden alterations in their circumstances can be very difficult for them to deal with. Once embarked on a task, they will wish to concentrate closely on it and see it through. Interruptions and distractions of any kind can be particularly demotivating in these situations.

though the test was taken about 2 years ago, i feel it still describes me pretty closely. while i can stay on mind about stuff, i get demotivated rather easily and if i am abandoned by whom i feel should have stuck by me, i kind of just implode. so, i am needy, even though i can stay on task at hand.

this is my personal self, what i really feel.

what i show outwardly when i coach is something different. i assume a coach persona. it have to be this way to a large extend. the confidence and the easy going nature, is not easy for me to cultivate. i must genuinely feel that what i do is right to build that confidence and show it out, which means i must be sure of what i do and to my best ability figure out that it's right. being so open and trying to be funny is the bigger problem. from introverted and thoughtful, i have to assume to be friendly and playful, and even to be assertive.

this public self thing drains me. after sometime like that, i would really need to spend some quiet time  i need to just be with my close friend(s), loved one and do something relaxing and be myself, my personal self. when i do not have time for this, i spiral down in to depressed mood and feel withdrawn from the world whenever i can. it's not healthy. so, while i can and do enjoy being outwardly fun and engaging, i need to balance with my own needs to be quiet and subdued. to feel loved even though i am not so fun.

so, this reflect what my 'brother' and i figured out years ago. we reached a conclusion that while i can said to be a balanced person, my balance is achieved by weighing two extreme ends carefully and constantly. when i go too far inwards, i should be somewhat more outgoing and after sometime being outgoing, i need to withdraw into being me again.

it's like how i have very strong opinions about some stuff and no opinion about others. it's either i have thought about it and have an opinion or i have not thought about it, or even more remotely, i thought about it and found no opinion about it.

i have learnt to live with myself and how to push myself to do more stuff. while it may not seem like it, but i do think alot about the future. i guess it does not seem so cause i rarely take big actions. when i do take actions, it's a series of smaller steps i suppose. this is my problem, i do not feel so comfortable taking huge risk and make big changes. and sometimes, it is necessary. what i have learnt is that, after considerations, if it is necessary, i just have to go at it boldly. if not, the time might pass and i am left with nothing. like now i suppose.

i can see how me, my personality and how i interact with the whole can be difficult to live with. just let me say this, if anyone reads this anyway, 'trust me. love me. i will make sure we are alright.' God bless. and good night.

reading/read

been reading some Christians forum and website of people discussing Christians stuff. and i feel like i had some small revelations.

for things that are not clearly spell out in the Bible, it is for us to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide us. and as my previous post suggest, it might not be the same for everyone.

my reading brought me to some page that was discussing stuff like masturbation and marital experimentation. it's interesting to know that the Bible did not say anything concrete about these stuff.
by going along the lines of sexual immorality we can go on the say that masturbation is probably not given the thumbs up. imagining having sex with someone you are not suppose to. even to reduce the act of joining with your spouse to be focused on your own pleasures.
so, in fact, unless a person can just make himself/herself  sexually pleasured, without immoral thoughts, it is immoral. then the problems becomes psychological and perhaps physiological, the addiction to pleasure is a well know one. and it spoils sex, simply because when pleasuring yourself, it is easy to know what you want and instantly to boot. no other person can do that. and so, it would be easy to be disappointed in sex with another person after having masturbated extensively.
some months ago, i read a report some some research from Italy that claims that people who have long history of masturbation using pornography are less satisfied with sex with their spouse. i did not think much of it at that time and not it makes more sense.

marital experiments that might are not clearly stated as go/on-go was also an interesting read, but of less relevance. the basic thing it says is to pray about it and discuss it over some period of time(weeks), while keeping the best interest of your spouse in front yours. only until both partners are satisfied that it's not sinful and are willing, then they may proceed. it makes sense, in marriage, our bodies are to belong to God and our spouse, so while trying something new that is not clear, it would be good to pray(ask God) and to have permission of each other as well.

ok, any audience out there. these are rather highly sexual stuff and please don't quote me or use my thoughts as a guide. if in doubt, pray and seek answer from the Creator of everything.

no way forward

even if i were to be who i wanted to be.
to be spiritually lead in a God-centric life.
to have a fulfilling, stable job.
to complete my studies and use what i learnt to help people.
to kick some of my bad habits.

i might still not have a chance again. sucks. big time.

Romans 14

Romans 14

 ¹Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not to doubtful disputations.

 ²For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs.

 ³Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.

 ⁴Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.

 ⁵One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.

 ⁶He that regardeth the day, regardeth it unto the Lord; and he that regardeth not the day, to the Lord he doth not regard it. He that eateth, eateth to the Lord, for he giveth God thanks; and he that eateth not, to the Lord he eateth not, and giveth God thanks.

 ⁷For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself.

 ⁸For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's.

 ⁹For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living.

 ¹⁰But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.

 ¹¹For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.

 ¹²So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

 ¹³Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.

 ¹⁴I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.

 ¹⁵But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.

 ¹⁶Let not then your good be evil spoken of:

 ¹⁷For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.

 ¹⁸For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.

 ¹⁹Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.

 ²⁰For meat destroy not the work of God. All things indeed are pure; but it is evil for that man who eateth with offence.

 ²¹It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.

 ²²Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth.

 ²³And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.

been stuck at reading this verse for a few days, somehow. keep reading it and understanding it more and more. did some research on it.

http://www.gci.org/bible/rom14

http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/1335-a-study-of-romans-14

so, in my limited understanding, it is as such.

1. traditions and practices are fine, as long as they are done to honor God.

2. do not keep out people who practice differently from you, as we understand and do differently, as long as it's not sin.

3. do things to keep peace between all and love them. as such do not judge them, but to keep our acts in accordance to the teachings of God.

4. whatever you do that is not in good faith is sin.

this is my third reading of the NT and this struck me as particularly important in today's context, as there are so many different Christian teachings and denominations. as we all study the Bible and use our earthly understanding to apply it in our own lives, and even in groups study and discuss the Scriptures, there are bound to have disagreement over the interpretations and application of the Word.

this whole chapter starts by saying, some of us who understands the scripture 'weakly' eats only herbs(vegetarians?), while those 'strong' in the scripture understanding, eats anything. this already hints to us that, as according to what we perceive as right, we do so in honor of God. by faith we do so and we are not wrong to do so.

i also feel that the punchline in this passage is verse 17, 18 and 19. what we do, what we eat and drink is not the crux. '..but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost..' in what we do to serve Christ is acceptable to God. we then do things that make for peace and things that encourage each other.

this brings to us works in faith. faith is not only belief in something beyond trust and knowledge. it becomes something to guide our actions, knowing that it is the right thing to do, our conscience in essence. the faith in the teachings of God in the Bible, becomes our conscience in everyday dealings. and thus by following our faith, which is disciplined by the teachings of Christ, and acting on these teachings with intentions to serve Christ and the glory of God, we won't be far off.

of course, then being humans, we err and are weak, and do stupid things at times. so then comes the repentance, forgiveness and the love of Jesus to save us. and everyday to be better and less sinful, by the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

much to learn here still.

i am most angry at myself for still being so lost.
for still being confused.
for still being a little girl about it.

i know what i want and am taking steps to go toward it. now it's just to wait it out. and that is the worse part ain't it..?

in the mean time, i'm too free, and my mind wanders the dark halls of emptiness and regrets.

all the questions

why are we so far apart now?
why do you seem so different?
why are you not talking to me anymore?
why did you give up?
why? as i am making the most changes to my life.
why does it seem to be so futile?
why don't you tell me what it really is?

why does it seem like it don't matter anymore..?

story

remembered this story i read online some time back.

guy 1 : i don't really want to be with her anymore.

guy 2 : why? what's wrong?

guy 1 : nothing..just she's mot the best out there you know. i mean, there are pettier girls, there are smarter girls and i'm sure i can get them.

guy 2 : so why haven't you?

guy 1 : i'm not sure. i do enjoy spending time with her and also like having her around to talk to and just hang out. but there are times when i can see myself being with some other hotter..smarter girls. you know?

guy 2 : don't be an idiot. she is not the smartest nor the prettiest face you will meet. but she's here with you. you think she have no other choice? it'll probably be easier for her to get a hotter guy or a smarter guy or a guy that earns more than you. but, she chose to stick with you and your bad habits. i think you know why. so don't look at what you could have. start to cherish what you have and make yourself better and she'll do the same.

too late?

confused

want to blog, but cannot find the proper thoughts and words to form and merge into anything remotely substantial. all i have now are some images here and there, some thoughts deep down, a few emotions so strong that somehow i don't think i am feeling them right at the moment and lastly, my body, tired and desiring rest and at the same time wanting to continue on staring at this screen and check all known avenue so that i won't miss a thing. any sliver of it is enough to tide me through a few more hours. that i know i am sane. somewhat.

it's at times like this that i remember many years ago, i did this online test thing on..friendster. haha..friendster. anyway, the result was that of all the biblical persons, i am most like Job. stubbornly taking punishment simply because i know one thing and i hold on to that with all my might. now, many things are telling me otherwise, yet i hold on and hope. really, parts of me are wanting to go one way, and the other part want to drop dead, and yet another is simply saying, 'hold on, it's not over.' whatever the shit means.

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
Job 1 : 21

sounds of silence

hello darkness, my old friend
i've come to talk with you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while i was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain
still remains
within the sound of silence


in restless dreams i walked alone
narrow streets of cobblestone
'neath the halo of a street lamp
i turned my collar to the cold and damp
when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
that split the night
and touched the sound of silence


and in the naked light i saw
ten thousand people, maybe more
people talking without speaking
people hearing without listening
people writing songs that voices never share
and no one dared
disturb the sound of silence


"fools", said i, "you do not know
silence like a cancer grows
hear my words that i might teach you
take my arms that i might reach you"
but my words, like silent raindrops fell
and echoed
in the wells of silence


and the people bowed and prayed
to the neon god they made
and the sign flashed out its warning
in the words that it was forming
and the sign said, "the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
and tenement halls"
and whispered in the sounds of silence

boom

kept going at it and i went where i had never been. interesting.
fuzzy memory.
still feels buzzed.
some difficulty breathing now.

hah. weird shit.

knowing and doing is so different. i'm stupid to still cling on to hope, but that's all i have now, in that aspect.

Relying on God has to start all over everyday., as if nothing has yet been done.

-C.S.Lewis

zoom!

i can think of so many possibilities. most of them bad.
i want to know the truth. i don't think i know yet.
at this rate, i think my knuckles will break. again.

impatient

looking around for job is so..scary. sent out resumes and knowing that there is a need to wait, but still checking all the time for any response. bzzt..!

then application for studies also like that..bzzt..!