great expectations

let desire be your destiny.

what do you desire? do you know what you want in life?

days like yesterday and today are far and few in my life. after work just do what i felt like doing. went to shoot some yesterday. just wanted to, no stress. then happened to fix some major part of my shooting problem. pretty happy. then met an old friend to have dnner. had a great time eating and chatting. walking around past midnight around marina area. esplanade, marina square, oreintal hotel, pan pacific hotel then suntec. talked about lotsa stuff..walk around..chilling out. so comfortable with her. understanding and thoughtful and her insightfulness is amazing sometimes, but her blurness sometimes is also darn amazing. haha.. just do what we wanted to. such a great friend is certainly hard to find.

today just went for lunch with a good friend and chill out awhile..went home change to go cc. did nothing much..just joked and relaxed. shoot other people's bow and had fun trying to be samuria-y. haha..

hai..though pretty happy, still feel as if something is missing from my life.. a missing piece making me incomplete. no idea what i need. i know my desire, my dreams. working towards it, but..just not happy. not even really contented. no idea what to do. just do what i do and try to be who i want to be..that's all i can do i suppose.

things are more sedated now..more settled down..kind of..hope things start to go better..then i can start learning new things and start saving again and all that..

alot of things in my mind still..but learning how to tune them out. since i cannot really do anything about them. wish. hope. dream.

still tired..still trudging on. still..same..when i think about stuff..i become..broKEN again. don't know what to do about it. don't know why i am like this. don't even know why anymore..

why-ken
don't know why..

'every whisper..of every waking hour..
i'm choosing my confessions..
trying to keep an eye on you..
like a hurt lost and blinded fool..'-REM

grosse fatigue

dead tired.

so many things to do..so little time..so little energy.. so many things i hope to be well..so many people i worry about.. so i should take care of myself more.. knowing me..tough..others always come before me in my life..so dumb.

been tired for so long..taking break from things..still tired..think i need a longer break..but time and work don't allow for it..rest not enough..need to earn money..need to train..time all gone..

always thought about thirty hours wil be just nice.. sleep two periods of five hours..then got two period of ten hours to do things..eat four meals..muahah..

so anyway..taking a short break..taking things as easy as i can..trying to chill out..but can feel as if more things coming my way and will get more hectic..oh well..overcometh.!

dream on. dare to fulfill dreams of mine. now alot of my fight will be with myself..my mind..must learn to let myself go.

against-ken
nope..go with it..flow..

'how does it feel (how does it feel)
how does it feel
how does it feel
when you’re alone
and you’re cold inside..'-Micheal Jackson

long day's journey into night

journey without purpose..other than the journey itself.

took a walk around places. just walked around and go where i felt like going. no music in my ears. nothing holding me back or calling me home. walk around..listening to the sounds and looking at the sights.

went esplanade, stopped half way to s@@ people doing break-dancing and sitting around doing nothing..some people studying..some people just hanging around. probably contemplating some life changing stuff..then again..maybe not.

walked to the second-world war memorial for the civilians who suffered under the japanese occupation. as i got close to it, i felt a tinge of sadness. the looming pillars and the urn in the center. the slight drizzle and the surrounding buildings. there were some tourist taking pictures. i wonder if they felt the sadness i felt, the meaning of the monument.

then went to esplanade itself. wanted to go up to the roof terrence. but cause of the rain no one is allowed there. walked around esplanade. the library makes me want to go there to chill out, to read a book, to learn new things. time doesn't allow me now. but i will start learning things and reading soon..when things are more settled. so many interesting things there. people, displays, music, stores..but there is only so many times you can walk around an area so small and still stay interested in everything. 'the only limitation is that of vision.'-(i forgot who, will fill in when i s@@ again.)

then went to suntec to take a bus home. so many people went to the motor show and came out with their big bags. and most of them look too young to even be legal age to drive. trip home was uneventful.

reached home, went online, chatted for awhile then cartel called to ask me to help fix computer. went to help. spent hours fixing and updating and setting it so it should have less problemos.. chatted with the main manager and the operation manager, they are quite fun people i guess, but f&b people always have a few faces. anyway, not my problem. i do my job, try to help. things get ugly, leave. not as if got high pay or anything holding me back. they treated me to pizzahut for fixing the stuff. pretty good. had fun there. one waitress, probably new, got traumatized by us the three experienced f&b personells. kept asking her for things and she don't know what to do. oh well. probably why i have accidente.

when i was cycling home, forgot about a chain in between poles at a junction..cycled straight into it. at about 50km/h. flew and got cuts and bruised. damn pain. cannot walk for long minutes. and as expected from singaporean. no one came forward to s@@ if i needed help. just walking past and staring. oh well..slowly sat down to check myself for more injuries. slowly got up to walk again. slowly sat down again as i felt dizzy. slowly sat up and walked again. slowly cycled back home. no one noticed i was hurt at home.

there's my day. my first day of slacking in a few weeks.

not really feeling better. no idea about alot of stuff still. but i know things will get better. all i have to do is keep trying. keeping the faith i have in myself, in what i am doing. sis called yesternight. bro smsed her telling her to talk to me cause i seem to have problems. still, after so many years, my 'family' knows me best. they know the problems i face without asking. they know what i need and why. they know me better than myself. thing is nothing i can do about the problems i face. the ball is not on my court, unless i stop caring altogether. even though sometimes i wish i can, i know i cannot. i care too much for my own good. really? i don't know man. i'll just be myself and hope for the best.

SAFSA competition on saturday. did alright. had fun. but was totally drained. mentally and emotionally. so many things i drag along. don't know how to let go. but after the past two days, letting things out, letting me break down, things seem better, if just abit distant. will be alright again soon. i know me. will fall but don't stay down for long.

so there's my life these few days. still the same, yet slightly different. oh well. come what may, i'll be me still. i still care. i still will do what i do.

still-ken
same ken. again.

'all day staring at the ceiling,
making friends with shadows on my wall.
all night hearing voices telling me,
that I should get some sleep,
because tomorrow might be good or something..'-Matchbox Twenty

seul contre tous

i stand alone.

in the end..we are all alone. through all these call life..we face death alone. who can acompany you? no one.

what do you care? if you are not staying, then just leave me alone. i am just a dumbass. boys are idiots, man are jerks. i am pretty much the biggest idiot. don't care. i don't want to care anymore. caring for others is killing me.

gone away to hell. it's a state of mind. and i am going there.

hell-ken
hell is not enough.

'you don't waste no time at all..
don't hear the bell but you answer the call.
it comes to you as to us all..
we're just waiting..
for the hammer to fall.
oh every night, and every day..
a little piece of you is falling away..
but lift your face, the western way..
build your muscles as your body decays.'-Queen

primal fear

deep, dark fear..

what do you fear the most? lack of attention? attention from the wrong kind of person? doing badly? living a life of unfulfilled dreams? fear..it grips us in it's chilling grip and drains our strength. makes us tremble at nothing but our own imagination. how many of us actually have no fear?

fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. and hate leads to suffering.

when we are angry most of the time it's due to fear. fear that someone cheated us. fear that we are not good enough. our fear makes us aggressive. this aggressiveness cause us to be angry at others or ourselves. and when we are angry we do stupid things. like throw phones. like bash things. like say mean things we don't mean to say. and that leads eventually to suffering.

no idea what this post is about. was angry which led me to think why was i angry. angry that others don't appreciate the things i did, i do. that my efforts was wasted. but that's out of my control already, something that i cannot change or control. no point being angry. so now i am no longer angry. just disappointed and tired.

things that comes easy are not treasured. only when they are gotten at a price and was fought for do people realise the worth of things. then again worth of things are matter of perspectives. oh well..

life is short. realisation when i first heard my good friend in secondary school past away few years back. seems like yesterday when we were out cycling and working and generally having fun. in this short span, at my age, i already know of a few school mates and friends who have passed on..and my cousin passed on just 2 weeks ago..cancer. he was 4?5? i don't even know him well..i really wanted to s@@ him next year when i go visit..wished i did this year..somehow it's disturbing. somehow it's comforting. i am not psychotic..yet..i know he is released from this torment called life.

the helplessness of efforts in life when measured against death. silient lord. takes us home.

the smallness of humans and our wars and money and computers and nuclear shit. 'advances' to kill ourselves faster.

every moment we live, we are dying. comtemplate that. are you living?

moments of joy and happiness. when our goals are acheived. when folks around us are happy and joyous. when our loved ones are well. that's what''s worth living for. what does your life meant to you? what do you live your life for? the small joy everyday that your family is well? the little things that makes our lives as it is. every up and down makes our life full. only when we do fall are we truely able to understand the joy of being lifted.

even the pause in a piece of music completes it. how do you live your life?

weird post again. guess i am in quite a somber mood. shot well today. best in months. good form, just abit weak. will train up and should be good. but moody. feel tired. tired of doing things for others. wondering why don't i love myself more. why don't i take care of myself more. know that i find myself unworthy. unworthy of blessings. unworthy of attention. yet i crave for it. how ironic. how damning.

fighting myself again. still learning to appreciate myself. trying to be at ease with who i am.

so many things not in my control. though i try..i can only guess at the results of my efforts. i wish..i hope..i will still go on..

our fight may be tough. but it's for our dreams. it's easy to love to win. but how many can love the battle..the fight..the challenge..the times when you fell and stood again..are you ready to be a champion? your own champion in your own life. you decide.

champion-ken
my life. me.

'lord knows, dreams are hard to follow..
but don't let anyone tear them away.
hold on, there will be tomorrow..
in time..you'll find the way.'-Mariah Carey

me, myself and i

the lightning bolt

verbally and mentally fluid, the lightning bolt is refreshing and illuminating to those around it. this is occasionally somewhat discounted by the obvious pleasure that these personalities take in exercising their mental acuity. although generally peaceful they can often take a verbally aggressive tact in relations with the world, which can often be misunderstood by those around them. to the lightning bolt this abstract contact is viewed as mere play; they rarely understand the attitude of those around them who can be offended or hurt by wild flights of verbal fancy or playfully intended barbs.

innovative in the extreme, the lightning bolt personalities can often think themselves right out of the correct answer to a given problem. many times they are referred to as their own worst enemies.

some personality test thing. interesting wouldn't you say?

anyhow..life is sedated..starting to recover from the sickness..still weak and moody. but getting better. will do what i need to do and do my best. looking on the bright side? nar..just trudging on.

excellence in everything. that is a life worth living.

worth-ken
worth it? definately.

'life is a road..and i want to keep going,
love is a river..i wanna keep flowing,
life is a road..now and forever,
wonderful journey..'-Donna Lewis and Richard Marx

*it's quite scary. how a little thing, like the name of a game we used to play together, can make me want to break down again.*

*random toughts*

i'm unwell. and crazy. sOo..?

queen sums it up nicely..'the show must go on..'

take a walk to padington square. look for padington bear in his raincoat and boots.

all that i tried, all that i done..amounts to nothing..? why..?

the chill grips my being again. i know the feeling. it's fear.

world's apart.

the Rach 3 is still strangely comforting.

dug a hole..dropped in..to dig further.

the colors of the world stopped being attractive. the music of souls refuses to sing. life is dreary..

i always fall sick at this time of the year.

this winter is the coldest i had..i think..

pachabel's cannon sounds so mocking now.

ignorance is bliss..? it's far more dangerous than you know..(slight intended)
--
what am i to do with myself?

too tense my boy..breath and relax..

if i could..i still wouldn't..hehe..

what drives me..?

hmm..now that i am here typing..there are not much thoughts..when i am just sitting not intending to type..plenty of thoughts..how irritating..

down and almost out..haiz..

no mood..no motivation..no idea..

being free and chilling is not healthy for me..i get moody..

miss old times..when things were simpler..now i cannot even decide what to do when i am free..no longer sure..in a way it's good..cause i seldom spend time just playing games and wasting time away..but it also create alot of problems as now i have things that i want to do..but unable to..

angry..i am angry deep inside..well hidden..haha..not so well hidden now that i typed it out..angry about myself..not being better..not being more..but what can i do?

so many things are wrong..yet nothing i can do about it. why we live life in face of so much wrongs?

as crazy as before..usual..just that now i feel it's healthier to let it out here..than let it cooped up inside me then finally explode and make people hurt..or worried..

much things to do..too little energy..too little time..sleep less get more time..but less energy. sleep more get more engery but less time..hehe..balance..

knowledge and skills..but not needed in this kind of life..hmmhmm..ironic..

bah..so many things i want to say..but..feel it's not right..and i really don't want to cause more than i already did..

as i lay myseplf to sleep..
i pray the lord my soul to keep..
if i die before i wake..
i pray the lord my soul to take..
lyrics from metallica's enter the sandman

i like prayers..the way they sound..but i don't ever pray..though sometimes..feel like doing so..but am still determined to live my life without aid of any kind from other beings..haha..sounds weird even as i think of the words to put them out..anyway..it's how i chose to live my life..

The LORD [is] my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

as i live my life as surely i know to be as good i can..though i have made much mistakes and some wrongs can never be redeemed or righted..i am sorry..

i shall not want..

to be able to rest comfortingly for a day would be blessing enough for me..seems forever since i had a good rest..

kind of like whining about my life and all..shall stop here..and try to rest..

hope all my friends near and far are all alright. as i been through deep dark halls, i know the need for a friend is great when the hour is late. don't hesitate to ask for a friend in me. i will be.

cast away

the worst thing about being lost, is missing the ones you love.

being sick, is sick. down and weak. unmotivated to do anything. even shooting seems sian. cannot do it properly. cannot execute properly. mentally pushing to do all i can. still..spirit is willing but the body is weak.

after another night of rest should be about 90% well..i hope. anyway will have to continue with training. next competition coming right up. and have not been doing any long distance at all. just shoot and s@@ how lar.

sOo..trapped. no idea what i can do. if i know, i would..or would i? hmm..well..that's a pointless question now, cause i don't think i can do anything. sOo..wait and s@@.

no mood for much things now. my mind is as messed up as my room. alot of things go in, then left there. never properly handle and taken care of. my mind..well..like lots of stuff i don't know what to do about and so are left there. and they will distract me from time to time. oh well..take time to settle them i guess.

another confused and confounded post. haha.. wish i may, wish i might, wish upon a star tonight..if my eyesight allows me to s@@ a star in singapore skies..hanging on. through everything..

dizzy-ken
ken is spinning around..lost his way.

'so never mind the darkness,
we still can find a way..
'cause nothin' lasts forever,
even cold november rain..'-Guns and Roses

burn

burning in so many ways.

fever at about 37.8 celsius. pretty sian. body hyper-sensitive and brain is like having a knife inside. the pain is killing me. mentally still fighting and burning. sub-consciously figuring out what's next.

planning stuff with some friends. pretty funny people. lots of fun and lots to learn.

nothing much to blog now. too many things on hold. patience is a virtue and i intend to cultivate it.

so much i wish for have turned sour. i can only wish for better tomorrows. i am me and this is the way i am. for all.

tomorrow-ken
ken now. ken tomorrow.

'something’s wrong,
shut the light.
heavy thoughts tonight,
and they aren’t of snow white..'-Metallica

phantom pain

pain is all in the head.

seriously, i think i am sick cause of mental stress again. too many things on my mind, that i cannot handle. and so my body screws up. damn i am so weak. slight cough, slight fever, weak body, flu-y, hyper-sensitive eveything, migraine and totally no appetite. life sucks so bad now..

why am i so stressed about things? hai..weak mind. things wil happen the way they will happen and i will be affected as will others and life will go on. stress is unnecessary. stress is ridiculus. haha. do my best and that's all. keep is simple. i will.

sorry if i cause concern again. just damn stressed up and all. thank you for your concern and all. i know i have many people who care. hmm..maybe not many, but..really..thank you all.

i miss you alot. i love you. my idea of love is weird, i know. it don't mean what many others mean with it. i am sorry about so many things. i wish i could do more. though i know i shouldn't. i love you. i miss you. and i..oh well..wussy ken.

up's and down's. i will be ok..again..eventually. take care everyone. worry about me not. we all need someone sometimes, just as we need to be alone sometimes. just that these times tend to get mixed up.

in fact my life is doing slightly better now. things are getting slightly better and i know my efforts are slowly showing. things getting easier at home side, i hope. shooting..alright..getting it..i feel. friends and all are not too good..but hope things get better for everyone. i am sorry if i am busy and cannot help more. but i am only a call away. i know how it feels to need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate.

stressed. tired. sick. out of control. sOo..go with the flow. relax. be calm. do what you can.

burning-ken
literally.

'tap on my window knock on my door.
i want to make you feel beautiful..'-Maroon 5

laugh, clown, laugh

clown stories are often sad ones..

sometimes..the jokers are the joke itself. those laughing are crying inside. those who help others need help the most. the strongest are the ones who are almost gone. sometimes..

learn all you can..then forget it. just use it. but don't think about it.

i really don't know what to blog here..damn alot of emotions now. about everything. confused. seriously i am confused. what the heck am i to do? who am i? ken? damn it. i don't know.

i seriously wish i am dead. feel as if i done all i can. no more to give. burn for others. made them believe their dreams. gave them the will to fight. taught them all i could. damn..let me rest..

what more am i suppose to do? i don't want to hurt anymore..hurt others as well as myself..

i will take care and cheirsh and make well all i can..then let it go. cause i am afraid. afraid to hurt. afraid that i will cause hurt.

feel that this world have no more place for me. and i also wish not a place. do i? i dont know. sorry.

this is why i hate..FUCKING HATE my birthday. makes me think about my life. myself. my worth. who am i? what am i? can i be better? had fun. thanks to all my friends. but at the end of it..i really don't know.

crawl to a dark corner and cry little boy..you are alone..you are powerless..for all you know and all you can do..you are nothing..

i don't believe in god. as in the ultimate being, no. in higher beings, different beings, yes.

why the hell did i type that..?

cause i wish someone, something can help me. can know me where i don't know myself at all. can let me cry and breakdown in a gentle embrace. to hold me when i fall..i feel like i am falling. bottom is coming right up.

year end. birthday. holiday season. new year. meaningless.

hate me. please. hate me enough to kill me.

dark patch of life again. nothing unusual i suppose..damn..tough times..difficult stuff..no way out..endure and persist..

i'll be ok..don't worry..i'll always be ok..cause i don't die.

why-ken
why is there a ken like this?

'misery likes company, i like the way that sounds..
i've been trying to find the meaning, so i can write it down..
staring out the window, it's such a long way down..
i'd like to jump, but i'm afraid to hit the ground..'-Bon Jovi

moulin rougue!

believe in truth, beauty, freedom, and above all things, love.

somethings are tough to believe in. even if you did, you lose faith in the things that don't seem to get you anything but pain. but..what pain may come, i still believe. and know that in the end, it matters to me.

so many thoughts in my mind now..so many people i care about..so little i can do..

no matter how many people helped you, it takes yourself to help yourself. after all that happen to anyone, the person takes it how the person wants to take it. so glad things turn out fine for some, yet quite sad how it turns out for others. but i am only me, they have to face their own demons..

i don't think i can ever forgive myself.

life will go on. somethings will just never be forgotten. i am sorry.

was happy cooking. making sure the food is good. it's a pleasure for me..though at the end of it..something's missing. still wishing..still hoping..yet preparing for the pain that may come. no idea what to do. no idea what at all.

so different. so much happened in a span of..six..months..? seven? things will never be the same..and i miss it..when happiness was a daily thing..instead of fleeting moments.

the post is horridly dis-jointed. so many things to say yet no words..so much emotions..yet no way of expressing..

is-ken
ken is just ken.

'i bet you counted all the tears..
i bet you've cried..
i bet you swore you'd never let love back inside..
'cause it hurt you way too bad to say good-bye..'-Bon Jovi

mighty mouse

here i come to save the day..!!

mighty mouse is on his way. hah. remember this from man on the moon. pretty nice show it was..thought that jim carey potrayed andy kofman very well..think the name is spelled wrongly. sorry.

oh..i am not here to save the day or anything. i cannot even save myself for the most part.

shooting today was bad..again. DC told me, 'cannot get worse, so just keep shooting.' haha..guess it true..though damn sian and pissed, i'll keep at it. i will isten to my coach and do whatever it takes. i feel nothing wrong with my shooting form. just that it is not in me. not a flowing action. got to ingrain it in me, then i should do better. SHOULD. and i'll try anyway. not giving up cause of some bad times.

other then that, my life still the same. money, still quite pressed for it. work, fine. family, same. sOo..that's my life now. pretty sedated, yet a burning desire to excel. feeling great, though will get down once in awhile. no problems. plenty of friends around to chill with and help each other through.

been thinking, life still quite a challenge. and well, i'll just hang on and look on the bright side as much as i can. though still prepare for bad stuff. kind of mentally prepare for my life. to do what i can to do what i want.

'chance favours the prepared mind.'-Louis Pastuer

prepare-ken
preparing for what may come.

'the colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky.
are also on the faces of people going by.
i see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "how do you do?"
they're really saying "i love you".-Louis Armstrong