post mortem

it's been quite some time since i was disappointed, angry, sad and at a lost, all at the same time, at myself.

responsibilities nearly doubled in the span of a week. school is starting soon. work is ramping up. back to my old position to manage hairless monkeys. trying to compete. trying to reach a new frontier. all while trying to stay sane at home.

i can't do all that, while being who i want to be. the question is, how much do i want to sacrifice for those things? would i feel it's worth it? am i thinking too much? i think i am thinking too much.

such a disappointment. making all the silly mistakes and over that, do not dare to make the necessary changes to improve. playing it small. angry.

i fail to become a hero of even my own story. maybe i'll end up being the villain.

fleeting

as i begin to think about what i want to type out, it struck me that the last post i had was also about a mourning. there's a saying, that when people get older, they only gather for red or white events, and even then, the red can skip, the white is a must. guess, to some extent, it's true. sad, but true.

as the parents, family, friends, colleagues and the nation mourns, i am reminded about the last time i had a student who passed away suddenly. even to this day, when i think about her, i will tear up. such potential unfulfilled. so young and untimely. so tragic. a loss irreparable. no matter if we were close or not, she was my student and that's enough for me to feel helpless and grieved that it happened.

to have this happen to a group of students and teachers, i scarcely believe it. and desperately wish it was otherwise. i cannot even begin to imagine the pain of the parents, teachers and schoolmates.

at such moments, we should give them space and be ready to give our support to show them that we respect the loss, but we are here for them as well.

in light of this state of mind, i am pissed that people are calling for the teachers, the school, the MOE, the PAP, the government to be responsible.

the earthquake is 'an act of GOD', a natural occurrence that had no warning, in a location that's not likely to have earthquakes. the teachers and students trained for the trip. this was not the first time the school had gone on this trip. all these, points to the fact that the students and teachers were well prepared and somewhat experienced in making this trip.

what else could have been done? short of not going on the trip.

the trip is for students leaders, who had parents permission. who had trained for the trip. were guided by teachers, local guide and guide from Singapore. what more can be done?

nothing more.

in every chance to grow and learn, there are risks. in everything we do or not do, there is risk. to allow our students to learn, to prepare and to overcome difficulties, we are building our nation's future. it must be done. risk must be assessed, planned for, even accepted to some extend and we go forth from there. to learn, to grow, to overcome.

i sincerely hope that the school continue to make this trip available to the students. there is nothing so cowardly and short-sighted as to admit defeat at the first sign of danger. nothing great will ever be accomplished.

it is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.
-Edmund Hillary