equilibrium

haha..bet this is going to draw some laughter from some folks who knows me..

cool show, to me at least. weird concept, possible but not probable. like most near-future sci-fi i guess.. i really loved the action in the show. kinda impossible, but really kick-ass stuff!

a huge change from my previous post. i know we all have down and up days. it's just that i don't really talk to anyone about my problems. sometimes it gets really hard to bear. so many things in my life out of control. trying real hard to get it together in equilibrium. to get things going so that i need to worry less. not so easy and so far been not too good. still, got to get at it.

shooting today was alright i guess..no idea really. just shoot and try my best. since it's at indoor, can't really tell if it was fine enough. guess not, but don't want to think about it. just feel myself doing what i should be doing then go. do my best. don't get too stressed. yeah..when i get too stressed up, i get moody and things all go to hell. stay away from that..=)

anyway..just sorry to my friends and all who were like maybe worried. i am alright. just an outburst of emotions. things get so hard sometimes. but i'll be ok. thank you all for the support and being here.

being in equilibrium. things working together creating minimum amount of stress and maximise work done. but change will always come in, got to be the eye of the storm and remain unmoving? nope..got to go with the flow..be flexible and do what's best to the best of your knowledge. that's me thinking.

move-ken
ken..get a move on!!

'if the sky that we look upon,
should tumble and fall..
and the mountain,
should crumble to the sea..
i won't cry, i won't cry..
no, i won't shed a tear,
just as long as you stand..
stand by me..'-Ben E, King

highlander

don't lose your head.

nice show it was..nice concept and all, i thought. cool effects too. keep your head even when everything is at stake. that i must do.

today shooting was bad..consistantly bad..no idea what went wrong. started great during sighter. then all downhill from there. left right up down. all over. no idea what's wrong. relax. tried. really did i all could. fixed some problems. no longer hitting arm. fixed head position. fixed anchoring. still all over. really wanted to give it up. why am i training thirty hours a week?!? why can't i get it? i've done all i was told. train strength, endurance, run, shoot, form work, mental work..what else!?!?comon! tell me?!?!

scores been going down hill..it's really tough to keep up. i am doing it. i am trying my best. i know i can. i will!! but why it isn't showing? what more must i do? damn fucking noobturd!!

wanted to cry..to lay down and cry. tell the world i had enough. i am a loser..

but no. i'll keep at it. i'll get there. AERRGH.!!!!! I'LL FUCKING GET THERE!!! whatever i must do. stand in my way? i'll rip your throat out. no matter how tough it gets, i'll be stronger! damn it!

i am given a chance at this. one life. i'll live my dream. it hurts, but i'll pull through. damn it..

damn it..

i am crying..weeping. i would scream if not for people around. i would tear at things if i did not learnt it the hard way.

i'll burn for my dream. i'll fight for it and die for it. a setback is just another way of learning.but damn it hurts. so damn much. when you done all you know to do and tried all you can and it's still not good enough. not the first time, and it won't be the last. everytime i get back up, i'll be stronger. i will!

i'll always remember, 'you lose only when you give up.' i hear you, now see me fight for it! i won't give up! i'll make my dream come true! damn it's tough..but damn me if i give up!!

it's not a dream. it's a goal. cause it will be fulfilled.

edgey-ken
so close to the edge. he was almost gone.

'when the storm rises up, when the shadows descend..
every beat of my heart, every day without end..
i will stand like a rock, i will bend till i break..
till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes.
i will risk everything, i will fight, i will bleed..
i will lay down my life, if that's what you need..
every second i live, that's the promise i make..
baby, that's what i'll give, if that's what it takes.'-Celine Dion

half empty, half full

perception.

not much to blog about these days. maybe too tired. maybe just too boring. every weekday work morning. then shoot or gym. then night eat with archers or friends then home. email, news, forums and an hour of game. repeat the next day. saturday, national youth training, then TP training. sunday, whole day training.

training, fine. improving. drop some and improve again. ups and down. form better. body stronger. mind more focused. like the training now. quite tough. quite some new things. can s@@ the results. can s@@ myself going somewhere. can feel myself being better.

work is fine too. open store. serve customers. top up counter. go off. don't talk much to colleagues. not really interested to as well. they seem pretty nice and fun people to work with. i guess in time i'll get more acquainted with them. some of them TP students. haha. they shocked i so old and coaching at TP. anyway, work is not too bad.

just took charge of national youth as manager. people think i mad to take over a post to get shot. to me, i don't care. i love the sport. i can s@@ others who love it but get nowhere. i want to help. that's why in the first place i coach. i can work with clint. and i can work with tang. i'll try my best to provide for the young ones. it would be a pity if their dreams are shattered or have no path to fulfillment. i'll do my best to let them grow and dream.

---WARNING!!! COMPLAINS ABOUND!!!---
the people who always shoot people are those who will complain about everything and not do anything. ask them 'don't like it, you try to do lar' then they will keep quiet. please! go to hell please! if you don't like and have no idea how to make better or don't want to make better, then shut your hole. people are trying to do things here. not happy, tell and let people know, then at least if the people don't change or do better, you have a valid reason to screw them. if you don't even want to talk to those in-charge, what's the point of complaining behind their backs? fanning the fire. f**king as**oles. it's tough enough to run things without people spouting nonsensical rumors. there we have people giving all kinds of rumors from no idea where. and when told to help out or even tell the person who is in-charge, they like can die. what's your problem? no truth to back up your complains? probably. makes me pissed off. simply tell and work things out, little kids. keep complaining. and themselves have no idea what they want. OMFG. and by the way, i DID tell them straight in the face 'why don't you help out?' and 'tell me also no use, go tell them lar'. they replied 'tell them also no use. help for what?'..OHH..NOW SINGAPORE ARCHERS GOT SOME CAN TELL THE FUTURE!! they want the people to answer to them what is happening. go ask cannot..must be fed..so singaporean. so disappointing.

so that's my life. some good..some bad.. half full and half empty. some parts of me is sated, while other parts are starving. life is such isn't it? we don't get all we want. so many if only and why didn't i..oh well..i'll survive and burn for my only surviving dream. guess i'll have other dreams to pursue. just waiting for me to put them in mind as dreams. something to fight for. to burn for and to die for. am still scared, still scarred, i guess. and unsure of myself. will find myself and know myself better before i decide anything.

until a new dawn, i'll be vigilent against the darkness that threatens to drown me. the darkness in me..

watch-ken
watch ken, watch ken.

'everybody's got something they had to leave behind,
one regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time..
there's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering),
how it could be now or neither been (or neither been)..'-S Club 7

a.i.

the greatest single human gift - the ability the chase down our dreams.

what happens when you have dreams that are broken? that can no longer be fulfilled? so many hopes and wishes end in tears and agony. why do we even dream? for dreams, for hope of better tomorrows.. to risk being hurt for a chance of something better.. hang on until chance fades to nothing..to try until all hope vanished.. we fight for our dreams..

feeling down today. being alone makes me down. makes me feel the emptiness that surrounds me. how lost i am in so many aspects of my life. trudging on cause i have to. trudging to where? for what? hope..dream of a better tomorrow..

lost a dear friend on 9th Oct 2004. he was a good teacher, a nice man to work with and a great friend. always had nice words and good advise. never failing to put things into perspective. rest in peace dear gentleman.

doing fine these days. work and shoot. still getting used to the longer hours at work. hope things stablelize financially. then can free my mind to more creative stuff. want to start learning a skill again. been stagnant for quite sometime.. probably try to drive..then drums..depends on time and money..

sorry for the disjointed post. not really coherent, even at work wasn't really talking. missing my old life some. not as much as i used to, but still more than i like it. transition period i guess..still getting used to being me. i love my life now.=) able to be who i want to be. be with who i want to be with. hang out with friends. shoot when i can make it. being me. just need to get used to it i suppose..

plenty to be happy about..plenty to be sad about as well..but life goes on. i'll look ahead like i tell people to. more things coming up. learning more about myself too..s@@ing the mistakes i made and knowing what i did wrongly. learning to be more controlled..more disciplined. less angry and less crazEE.

to better myself. for we humans are gifted with ability to think, to dream. to control our actions and not let it be guided by instinct. to be refined. to be polished. as a person, to be as perfect in my mind's eye as i can.

cogito-Ken
think ahead. dream ahead.

'in this world we're just beginning..
to understand the miracle of living.
baby i was afraid before..
but i'm not afraid anymore.'-Berlinda Carlisle

time after time

again and again. over and over.

there are things that we keep thinking about. in my head now, there are quite a few things that are always on my mind. the most important is my family. got to keep trying to make things better. i have been a liability for quite long enough. though i try..it seems not enough. it's like a leaky boat. the more things it have the faster it leaks..but..what to do..? we are family. if only they s@@ it that way.

shooting been weird. feels better. but scores worse..haha.. a big f**king joke. i know my form and posture is improving. have to be patient and let things settle in. still got parts that i want to improve. a never ending quest for unattainable perfection. damn! i'm crAzEE.!?!

watched motorcycle diaries the other day. got to say that it's a really nice show. not the kind of show that's for anyone though. it bring you on a journey. a journey, a story which have no heroes. only life. the way things are shown, is very..stark..very..in your face..like 'look at this! how can we let this go on!' it's abit of a sad story, but also rather inspiring. makes me want to go out and s@@ the world. s@@ what it can teach me. chinese saying 'read a thousand books not as good as walk a thosand miles.' maybe all of us could take a walk. instead of taking buses and trains and cars and all..we could walk and s@@ our world..our people. idealistic. dreamy. me.

life's a pendulum for me. good and bad. back and forth. time after time. kind of stable. kind of not. hah. hope all is well for all my friends having exams and tough times. if i could help in anyway, i would. but..i am only ken. cannot even help myself enough. cannot even..hai..nevermind..tell me if i can make things better. i will. my best will be done.

been sad, actually. no idea why. just generally.

met my 'brother' and 'sister' the other night. talked and catch up. nice s@@ing them after ages. my bro still the same. stable. moving forward in a stately pace. unwavering. my sister, feels she grew up abit. more perceptive. more aware. feeling the restriction of life. feeling the enclosure of society. they say, i changed alot. more disciplined. more determined. more strong. they don't know what i went through internally. but to them, they know i hurt and s@@ing me become better from it, is enough. they know i can. i know i can. they seen me break down and became lost. i won't let them worry again. even though they don't hang around, they know. they are my brother and sister. further and yet closer than my blood family.

trying to be better. to do better. to shoot better. to do everything better. excellence in all that i do. i will try. i will do. if anything, really ask. i will help. thank you once again. my friends, my family.

becoming-ken
becoming better? becoming ken.

'i have spoke with the tongue of angels..
i have held the hand of a devil..
it was warm in the night..
i was cold as a stone..
but I still haven't found..
what I'm looking for..'-U2