take 2

first read, for a second time.

revalations 22:13
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.

read this many many years ago and started using 'a&o' as my handle on some places. now it becomes my first page.

curiously strangely coincidental.

question of who am i? from it stems many other questions which i feel are important. itself stems from another question of, what are we to be?

broke down and cried. lost. feeling heartache again. once again i am alright. will carry on my life. feels that i want something more.though i am afraid, will let what comes, come. face it and face myself.

i want it so much. it is so beautiful. but i will not live a lie. i will face myself, my fears and maybe god. though i wish, i will not lie, cheat nor bluff. with intentions the actions must tally, or all is naught.

straight and narrow? so be it.

strange

could be out of race for SEA games. strangely, i am not very sad or pissed or disappointed. guess i know i did my best and still am. no regrets and still fighting. been like this and will be i guess. down but never out, till i decide to quit.

many thanks for Daryl. talked to me about some stuff and make me more comfortable and more confident. friends are such, there for each other. =) thanks dude..

life's been..good. happier these days. those who knows, knows. those who don't..well too bad. s@@ how it goes. really really unexpected. and really really happy. it's the kind of feeling that completes your day. weird. strange. happy. hoping. wishing.

life, have many unexpected turns. for bad or good..until the fat lady sings.

'cause sometimes it seems
like this world's closing in on me,
and there's no way of breaking free
and then i see you reach for me

sometimes i wanna give up
i wanna give in,
i wanna quit the fight
and then i see you, baby
and everything's alright, everything's alright..'-Bad English

more..

more complicated now..missing someone..

abit more confused now..wondering what's right..

somewhat more past my past now..things are still there as facts, but affects me little..

more is good? hmm..

still feeling shucks at shooting..still trying..still fighting..

when you believe in an ideal, you become something else.

cry

i can be so many things to so many people.

help them up, push them on..give them hope and let them fly. teach them to love themself and be their best. be there for them and let them crash..be their pillar and their support.

who will be here to help me? who will i let in?

i don't trust much anymore. broken things don't mend. not the way they used to be anymore.

broken..beyond repair.

am i enough? good enough? strong enough? after losing so much faith and trust..will i be enough for my last dream? do i even live the dream? or simply living day by day?

cannot even trust myself..what's worse?

simply

life now is simply fucked up.

feeling down and out. it's probably just a phase that will last a few days. been so bloody tired. trying to meet all the commitments. everyday chiong and chiong. all seems for nothing. quite pissed with things. fed-up and sick of fighting.

but tomorrow, i'll be at the range..shooting..trying hard. fool..i am.

so sian..so pissed..so tired..no mood..angry..sad..in pain..anguish..

all i ask for is a chance. for that chance..i am now giving my life.

somewhat

days been normal.

pretty same same. somewhat sianZ, somewhat ok.

shooting been getting back to normal levels. 1100s. tuning and stuff. arrows now too soft even with my sianed low poundage. from 48 drop to 46, then reduce to 44 and now about 42-43. and arrows still too soft. i miss the days when my bare shaft can shoot 90m and 70m easily. shucks. no money to get new arrows. *ka-chings*already abit in the red already. just make do and do me bestest i suppose..

should be going Korea in May for training. looking forward to it. hope it can help me improve, away from this noobie level of 1100s.

lots of thoughts about what's to come. lots of wishes that i don't really dare to dream anymore. been quite sad actually, about dreams. of all my dreams that are the life fulfilling kind, none are acomplished, and only one left. trudge on..painfully.

i wish, i dream, i hope.. ..

'from a distance, you look like my friend
even though we are at war..
from a distance i cannot comprehend
what all the fighting is for..
from a distance there is harmony
and it echoes through the land..
it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves..
it's the heart of every man..'-Bette Midler

hmm..

BLUE


??Which colour of Death is yours??
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what else?

now idea what is happening to my life.

been pretty sedated. shoot, train, coach..nothing much. trying hard to acheive, but losing steam. guess will have to do some introspection about myself.

guess i am wishing for something more..more interesting? more out of ordinary? to kick me in the head and wake me up? wishing for something to lift me up and soar? not really sure..just feels as if some thing missing in life these days..though things are fine and improving..

so many things to do so little time. but it's ok since i am doing things and doing them alright. just doing what i can. just hope i can do better. i know i can, just something not right. hai..

Archery - Sport/activity where the laws of physics, logic and commonsense have little application.

help?

don't know what i am doing right. or wrong.

old problems cope up again. new ones appear. why? stronger now. feel that form is alright. why can't i just shoot better. been at this score for years!!!

know that my attitude towards improving was not good. changed that. now i work hard. train hard. stronger, shoot more, more stable. but why am i not performing? can someone tell me?

what would i say to my student? i would fix the fucking problem. look for things to fix and fix it. given the amount of time i train and attention i pay to my shooting, it should be fixable. but why is it not? what's wrong?

feel like just give it up. i can coach well. i can make others shoot well. damn it!

help.