ranting space

it's not who we are inside..it's what we do that defines us.
-Batman Begins

people only see what we do. most people don't give a damn about why..or who you are inside, behind the thigns you do. you are judged and measured by what you acheived or failed to acheived. not by what you aspire to. it's abit sad..but that's the way things are.

we all have dreams. some are uncontrollable..some are attainable. to reach out. to try and give your very best..that's all you can do. if you fail even to do that. then your dream will forever be just a dream.

burn. let yourself burn over your desires..!!

stars that burn twice as bright..burn half as long.
-Magic Card..forgot which.

in a flash of brillance..it dwindles into nothingness. lives..a moment in time.
cherish this moment where you are given a chance to shine.

heart

it's all heart. <3

Chinese New Year

this year is out of the ordinary.

no relatives came over. peace and quiet the entire day at home. then went out to eat with friend.

perhaps everyone stopped pretending. perhaps everyone decided what's valuable to them.

slighlty amused. slightly disappointed.

oh well..not that it matters much.

Wish every one a healthy and fulfilling year ahead!

lamb

Happy Chinese New Year!

came across these two poems..made me thoughtful.

the lamb
from Songs of Innocence

little lamb who made thee
dost thou know who made thee
gave thee life & bid thee feed.
by the stream &amp; o'er the mead;
gave thee clothing of delight,
softest clothing wooly bright;
gave thee such a tender voice,
making all the vales rejoice:
little lamb who made thee
dost thou know who made thee

little lamb i'll tell thee,
little lamb i'll tell thee:
He is called by thy name,
for He calls himself a Lamb:
He is meek & he is mild,
He became a little child:
i a child & thou a lamb,
we are called by his name.
little lamb God bless thee.
little lamb God bless thee.

the tyger
from Songs of Experience

tyger tyger. burning bright,
in the forests of the night:
what immortal hand or eye,
could frame thy fearful symmetry?

in what distant deeps or skies.
burnt the fire of thine eyes!
on what wings dare he aspire!
what the hand, dare sieze the fire?

and what shoulder, & what art,
could twist the sinews of thy heart?
and when thy heart began to beat,
what dread hand? & what dread feet?
what the hammer? what the chain,
in what furnace was thy brain?
what the anvil? what dread grasp,
dare its deadly terrors clasp!

when the stars threw down their spears
and water'd heaven with their tears:
did He smile his work to see?
did He who made the Lamb, make thee?
tyger, tyger burning bright,
in the forests of the night:
what immortal hand or eye,
aare frame thy fearful symmetry?

both are from William Blake.

return of the archer

back..

trip was good overall. pretty happy mostly. shooting like shit for some parts and for some parts like super good. got to work it out..what's the problem..?!

Lord, i am lost.

the spirit is willing..but the flesh is weak..

long white arms
losing their strength and form
sixty year man on twenty year old skin
skeleton, your eyes have lost their warmth
look to your father for some support

oh maybe next time
you'll be henry the 8th
wake up tomorrow, alexander the great
open your eyes in a new life again
oh maybe next time
you'll be given a chance

-Annie Lennox, Herbie Hancock

trip again

this time i hope it's less stressful.

expectations unmet. disappointed and moody. things are not going as well as i hoped. but that's life. everything have a reason..though it is probably not apparent to us while we are in the situation.

feeling useless these days. my own life messed up. others don't need me..they can get along fine without this coach ken. i used to feel..good and powerful and worthy of my life..now..i just feel that i am wasting my life. i need to do something to pay for my time here.. to show that my life is not wasted. that i deserve my blessings.

somewhat..not right. but that's the way i feel now. baka.

anyway..trip to bangkok for a shoot. this time i am shooting. though i am severly unprepared..just shoot la. what to do..?! oh well.. with friends and good friends..hope this will be a fun trip..though i am not really in the mood for fun.

days go by i'm hypnotized
i'm walking on a wire
i close my eyes and fly out of my mind
into the fire
light the sky and hold on tight
the world is burning down
-Shawn Colvin

dance

lots of situation to apply SPR.

irritating. pissed. angry.

but thanks to all my friends..i am not fuming or doing stupid things. i shall not name anyone here. but you all know who you all are. =)

thank you all. i will keep my faith and carry on dancing to my tune.

i hope i am at least as good a friend as you are to me.

i hope you never lose your sense of wonder
you get your fill to eat
but always keep that hunger
may you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
i hope you still feel small
when you stand bwside the ocean
whenever one door closes, i hope one more opens
promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
i hope you dance
i hope you dance

i hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
never settle for the path of least resistance
living might mean taking chances
but they're worth taking
loving might be a mistake
but it's worth making
don't let some hell bent heart
leave you bitter
when you come close to selling out
reconsider
give the heavens above
more than just a passing glance

and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
i hope you dance
(time is a real and constant motion always)
i hope you dance
(rolling us along)
i hope you dance
(tell me who)
i hope you dance
(wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(where those years have gone)

i hope you still feel small
when you stand beside the ocean
whenever one door closes, i hope one more opens
promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
dance
i hope you dance
i hope you dance
(time is a real and constant motion always)
i hope you dance
(rolling us along)
i hope you dance
(tell me who)
(wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
i hope you dance
(where those years have gone)
(tell me who)
i hope you dance
(wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(where those years have gone)
-Lee Ann Womack

recovered

thanks to all my friends who were around to listen to my rants and talked to me.

without you people i would have decided otherwise.

am determined to continue my passion. to give it up would be to give up my dreams, my passion, to bluff myself and also to give up on others who would be needing my help.

it hurts me sometimes. but it'll make my resolve stronger.

faith > trust > believe > knowledge

faith? you have? i do.
thank you, Lord.

nothing

everything that i cherish is gone.

i don't want to try anymore.

thank you for the ride.

angry and disappointed does not even scratch the surface.

i never thought it'll be like this.

i wanted more. i did all i could. in the end it doesn't matter.

this is more than i can take. i lost.

sorry.

in the end

it all for nothing.

done so much. for so long. and now it's still fucked up.

why? because people are fucked up. humans..being inhuman and stupid. they are born stupid. what to do. all they care about is themselves and what they can get. who gives a damn about people being happy.

they are in power they abuse. they are not in power they complain. wtf people. push me a little more..i'll go out with a bang. i'll take all you arseholes with me. i got nothing to lose. all i got is myself. want to play? let's dance.

why do i hang on still? simply for a dream. this dream is a nightmare. lost so much and still i hang on. i can hang on still. for dreams. mine as well as others. but will i?

i don't know. i don't want to think. my mind is all filled with anger and thoughts of quitting everything related to it. but that'll only show that i lost. i lost to people. not even opponents. lost to own singaporeans. who are fucked up and ruining the sport. that's why i hang on. to make things better for others. in the process i die.

not enough.

rain

nice weather these few days.

cool temperatures and slight drizzle(mostly). it's cooling and not really wet. nice for resting and contemplating. but too bad i'm stuck in a seminar. it won't be so bad, if the seminar don't have inane people asking inane quetions.

i guess they are not as experienced and may not have the knowledge. BUT for goodness sake it's a LEVEL 2 course. if you are not at the level, WTH are you doing there?!?! STOP WASTING MY TIME..!!

am less tolerarnt, for i am actually in a rough spot. some stuff are just bad in life right now. trying to stay happy and go through it without prejudice. tough.

cold. cold rain.

when i look into your eyes
i can see a love restrained
but darling when i hold you
don't you know i feel the same
cause nothing lasts forever
and we both know hearts can change
and it's hard to hold a candle
in the cold november rain

we've been through this such a long long time
just trying to kill the pain
but lovers always come and lovers always go
an no one's really sure who's letting go today
walking away
if we could take the time to lay it on the line
i could rest my head
just knowing that you were mine
all mine
so if you want to love me
then darling don't refrain
or i'll just end up walking
in the cold november rain

do you need some time...on your own
do you need some time...all alone
everybody needs some time...on their own
don't you know you need some time...all alone

i know it's hard to keep an open heart
when even friends seem out to harm you
but if you could heal a broken heart
wouldn't time be out to charm you

sometimes i need some time...on my own
sometimes i need some time...all alone
everybody needs some time...on their own
don't you know you need some time...all alone

and when your fears subside
and shadows still remain, oh yeah
i know that you can love me
when there's no one left to blame
so never mind the darkness
we still can find a way
cause nothing lasts forever
even cold november rain

don't you think that you need somebody
don't you think that you need someone
everybody needs somebody
you're not the only one
you're not the only one
-Guns 'n' Roses

darn mood

foul mood. depression. i know it all too well.

damn it's here again.

no mood to play anything. to do anything. all i want to do is to stone and waste time. to wallow in this depressed state. music helps non. books help non. people help non.

in this weak state of mind. i am ashamed to face God.

i brought this upon myself. i asked for it.

i want help. but no idea what will actually help.

screw it.

things to do. have to do. no matter how bad i feel. i still must do what i do. coach ken.

save a few tears..you'll need them again.

i am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all adds up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high and like icarus i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die
-Jars of Clay

readiness

went to s@@ Dr William Tan at TP yesternight. he was trying to break a world record for hand paddling.

must say i was disappointed.

expected to s@@ someone eager for the challenge and all preped and hot wired. all lights green and ready to rock 'n' roll.

what i saw of him was an unprepared athlete. he was on a running track, different from the road that the world record was set by. that put him in great disadvantage. at around 0200, when i was there, about 1/4 throught the 24hours, he was already tired and voicing it out. this i must say i am an outsider. maybe he works by voicing it out. but i felt that it just shows his mental readiness. which i felt was lacking.

but that's me thinking. even though the road is tough..literally. he completed the 24 hours. which is more than what i can imagine myself doing. kudos to him and his will power for the 24 hours feat.

certainly a tough guy. could have done better i felt..needed more planning and perhaps more training.

every failure shows our weakness. if we work to eliminate it, we become better persons.

i know i am not really ready..but time doesn't allow me to wait longer. i just got to do what i can. will i ever be ready? i don't know. and don't need to know. all i need to know is that i must do it. whenever time comes for it.

i do.
i will.
i must.

let whatever comes. i am ken.

AD2006

it's a new year on the calander.

hope it brings more peace and joy to everyone. 2005 have been quite a sad year for the world i feel. natural disasters and human stupidities all over the world. i really pray that things get better.

just got back from chalet with people. some great friends there and had plenty of fun..=)

one kind of rice, feeds many kinds of people.

there's some people i don't like..but that's me and my prejudices. doesn't matter to them. oh well..(SPR applies)

getting on the new phase of life soon..excited and scared.

God, grant me the strength and courage to do what i need to do.
Grant me the wisdom to do what is right and good.
Most importantly, my Lord, keep my family and friends safe and well.