senseless

it's got nothing to do with me. it's far away and happened to no one i know. and yet i feel hurt. i am sad and depressed over it. i may be too sensitive and perhaps i am drawn to emotional hurt and cling to it. i tend to hurt for too long and hold on for too long.

this, as Obama said, have happened too many times. it's senseless, it's needless, it's ridiculous.

a 'mad man' go on a rampage and kills a number of people with gun(s). some people will say ban guns except for people with a legal right to use them. the opposite will say, it's not guns that kill people, it's the people who are mad that pulls the trigger and other weapons can kill as well.

let's put it this way. when i think i am going to crush your head with my bare hands, you don't die. when i pick up a knife and stab you, you can escape that as easily as running away. when i have a gun and i have the element of surprise, there is almost no doubt that you will die.

say i have a knife, no a sword, or even a spear, how many can i kill before i am over powered or all who are threatened run away so that i cannot do them harm. if i have a gun with enough ammo, or even two gun, just in case, how many can i kill before i am overpowered or neutralized?

no one will argue that it's the people behind the weapons that are the killers. the difference is the method and the ease of killing. how many people can be killed in a given time frame with a given weapon and how easily it can be avoided or neutralized?

as for arming more 'good people' with guns to fight back when such things happen, let's me just say two words : arms race. say you legalize hand guns, pistols and revolvers, these supposed disturbed persons will go for body armor and rifles, SMGs and what not. there was a case where two bank robbers suited up in bomb squad body armor was only taken down after hours of gun fight. then the police allowed patrol cars to have high powered rifles in the trunks to counter these type of events. then the drug gang are reported to now have AKs and RPGs to fight the police. soon, we will have police riding in APCs instead of Chevrolets.

and to add to that, say there are more than one gunman crazee, then there are armed people shooting at them. in a confused situation, how can the police tell who to trust, who to shoot, who to help? you could easily end up helping the crazee kill the innocent and no one the wiser until much later! and if there are armed resistance to these crazees, they would more likely take precaution and very likely take hostage to secure themselves longer.

what is the solution? my opinion, totally uneducated, is to restrict guns to those who need it, law enforcement and armed forces, and licensed hunters who show proficiency, no criminal record and so on. and on top of that, those who keep guns at home have to have a gun locker that is tagged to signal to the police when opened without proper password or access, and in case there is an emergency and the gun is needed for self defense, that could signal to the police that something is wrong without even calling them.

based on statistic, the US do not have the highest rate of violent crime, but they do have the highest number of death due to violent crimes. it shows something, doesn't it?

dreams

i had a really strange one last night.

dreamed that i was being checked on, like as in a physical exam or something, with a paper check list and boxes besides some description. someone i still love and want to be with was doing the checking, ticking off the list.

cannot remember the list properly now, but there are parts about getting life together, getting a job, being a good person and somethings like that through out the list. there were two boxes left unchecked, one was getting a degree and the other was something i don't remember.

wanted to write it down, but was busy the whole day in office and went for appointments. well..more work to do to be better.

not sure if anything can still happen. but hopes for a better tomorrow drives me on. tough and sometimes feels like giving up, but eventually get it together..hopefully.

burning

where is the fiery passion of our youth? where is the all or nothing mentality that movies so readily portrays? who will go on to do everything for someone for something that really matter?

are we, as a society too safety oriented? are we so scared of failing that we take less risk than previous generations? as one overseas friend told me, Singapore is a soft society, there is no hard edge, no real challenge and no real failures to be experienced. with this softness, we lack the drive to pursue dreams and take risks?

failure in modern society does not always occur immediately and suddenly. many a times, it creeps up on us and traps us, like frogs in a slow boiling pot. before we know it, we have no more options, no more chances and no more ways to survive. many small things can contribute to failures and having a lowered risk appetite and lowered drive to dream big, in my opinion, can become crippling without any sense of it at all.

for whom or what do we burn for? are we are simply satisfied to live as life takes us along and survive with our modern lifestyle and all it's distractions? something each of us must answer to ourselves.

too late for me to ramble on. too drowsy to think straight. too sad to feel motivated. or should it be 'in spite of' and not 'because of'.? hmm...

on and on

more things fail around me. i have to go on and do what i have to do.

no chance to relax now. too much at stake. gah..

no clear sign. perhaps..perhaps..perhaps not..

unexpectedly

good times..bad times..sometimes..just happens.

learn from it. grow with it. deal with it.

mood

having a really bon jovi mood. it's like all their songs suits me fine today.

'my guitar lies bleeding in my arms'
'starting all over again'
'it's my life'
'blaze of glory'
'living on a prayer'

good lunch day with an awesome person.

meh

due to work and other unrelated causes, this is the most unhappening birthday in years.

sad, but not devastated. thinking about work. and stuff. and someone else. bah.

06111980

happy birthday to me.

you are not alone

another day has gone
i'm still all alone
how could this be
you're not here with me
you never said goodbye
someone tell me why
did you have to go
and leave my world so cold

everyday i sit and ask myself
how did love slip away
something whispers in my ear and says
that you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

but you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart
but you are not alone

'lone, 'lone
why, 'lone

just the other night
i thought i heard you cry
asking me to come
and hold you in my arms
i can hear your prayers
your burdens I will bear
but first i need your hand
then forever can begin

everyday i sit and ask myself
how did love slip away
something whispers in my ear and says
that you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart
for you are not alone

Whisper three words and i'll come runnin'
and girl you know that i'll be there
i'll be there

you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay
for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart

for you are not alone...

flying time

it's been some months since i started going down this road. choices have been made and being reinforced.

i am still just starting to walk. it's time to start picking up the pace, or i'll be staying the same for too many years.

looking back, i can see that i have been trying very hard in this area. too hard and too long. too narrow minded to look beyond and listen to advise given by so many people. regret is too late..sorry too hollow. the only thing i should be doing is do. i got to go on and do.

many shit going down at home. got to hold it till i can stand and walk on my own properly.

wish. hope. do.

presently distracted

it's been quite some time, and yet i still feel rather hurt. i guess it'll take longer than this to let me walk free. i think part of it is myself not wanting it to be free from it.

i understand. i know. yet i cannot accept it. i am doing what i said i would be doing and yet it's all gone and here i am all alone going at the world and struggling. i have my own targets and goals. and i am having fun and growing. yet i am angry..and sad.

there are so many things that i wanted to do with you. asked you to go do them. and you or i always have some reason not to do them. and now you are all doing them with other people. i cannot help but be angry.

all i want to do is to punch the world and let it explode.

i am not ok. i breath and walk. i work and play. but i am less than what i was. i find it difficult to build myself up on the inside even though on the outside i am already much better than i was.

anger leads to hate. hate leads to pain and suffering for the person who holds the hate. i am me.

losing balance

as i go along trying to fit in and be better in the general world, i find myself being more and more irritated and angry. at the world and with myself.

the general wrongness of the society's systems bugs me. i cannot think of a better way, yet i know the current system is bad for us, bad for the world and cannot last.

helpless before the machine. rage.

define ourselves

We talk about our struggles.
We're friends, fellow travelers on this journey. She keeps repeating a phrase, "I'm the girl who...."
It's the phrase I've heard from the lips of hundreds of women. From my own too.
We face a challenge and redefine ourselves by it.

Here are some I've said:
I'm the girl who has social anxiety.
I'm the girl who has depression.
I'm the girl who can't have children.
Those sentences trap us, limit us, make us believe we are our worst moments.

I clear my throat and whisper quietly into the phone what has set me free...
"That's not who you are, friend, it's where you are right now."

She sighs with relief and says the words that are like candy for my ears, "You need to write about this on your blog." So here we are. Because I need to hear this truth more than once...and maybe you do too.
Your struggle is not your identity.
It's your location at the moment.

If there were spiritual GPS, we could locate your spot in the desert. Imagine you did so with me and I said, "This place is my identity forever." You'd shake your head and say, "You're on your way to the Promised Land! This is just a temporary stop!"

Then you'd remind me...
I'm the girl who is God's daughter.
I'm the girl with strengths placed within me for a purpose.
I'm the girl who's unconditionally loved by Someone who can get me through anything.

Where we are in life changes.
Who we are stays the same wherever we may go.
Where are you today, friend?
And who are you, really?

Words of encouragement by Holley Gerth. For more hope and encouragement, visit her blog Heart to Heart with Holley

guiding words and light

these days at church, the sermons seems to be so enlightening to my life's problems. it's like every week, God is trying to point out to me what i did wrong and how to fix them.

 i have been self-centered. i didn't think so, i thought i was fine and thoughtful, but i wasn't. most of the time, i was just being me and not really caring with paying attention. like, follow my way or you are wrong and i will educate you. so now, i shall endeavor to be really caring about others when listening and talking about them.

i have been taking people for granted. this is a continuation of the above carelessness. so you are here and i deserve your attention and care, while i will continue with what i am doing and you fit yourself in somehow. this is not the right way for any relationship or friendship. there have to be give and take.

then finally, treating others as equals. i think i have this problem for the longest of time. i have always somehow unknowingly, put people below me or above me, never equal. they are either more gifted than i or plain idiots. people have strengths and weaknesses, like i do.

i must learn to acknowledge them and learn how to deal with people properly. i hope these stays with me and make me better as time goes by and i learn to better relate to others.

persistance

if nothing else, i am that. and not always for the better of results.

now knowing when to stop is not a good thing. but if you stop, how can you know if more effort will make a difference?

keep calm and keep going.

components

i know what i am missing in my life. but it's not up to me.

somehow, somewhere, sometime, things will fall in place. i still have faith. one way or another my path will become clearer.

right now. do what i do and do my best. that's what it's all about. i may not chose everything in my life, but i can chose what i do with them.

Thank God for the good friends that we meet less than enough and yet they pull us through the tough times. I pray that i am a blessing to them as they are to me.

satisfaction

tough circumstances and lack of time. changing requirements and body weak. in the end, i did well.

i trained very little. had to leave half way through ranking, ok not half way, but after one end. and i did what i could..and was rather happy. did good shots when it mattered and scored the best in my team.

God, our heavenly Father, thank you.

leaders

been thinking about this for a long time and i have strong opinions about this issue.

many schools and institutions, even businesses have been saying or implying that everyone can be taught to be a leader somehow. our own army have been saying the same thing. every soldier a leader. leadership camps. talks that 'teaches' about leadership and courses to make you a netter leader. i disagree to a large extend.

leader. someone who leads. leads others. if everyone, every soldier, every school child is a 'leader'. what's there left to lead?

every organization have a structure, which serves a purpose and puts every member in a place to fulfill their role and ultimately the purpose of the organization. i can bet you my left kidney, that there is no organization where everyone is a leader. someone have to follow orders and do some menial task somewhere.

perhaps some of the problems that arises when doing group work stems from this mentality. everyone a leader, so everyone wants things done their way. even in a democracy or a republican system, there are leaders and followers, you either vote the people who speaks for your beliefs or you vote for what is the best idea and after the voting, the voted idea's originator becomes a 'manager' of the task and leads people to do them. everyone should follow the decision of the vote. should..

not everyone can be a leader, but having some qualities that a leader should possess is indeed an awesome thing.

what qualities should a leader possess? every book tells a different story. some of the common ones are, initiative, problem solving with available resources, communication skills, negotiation skills and perhaps creativity, which in itself is a problematic trait to pin down.

looking at the above sets of 'skills', we can see that it is not difficult to have those skill sets and not be a leader. we could be just good at being a person in whatever field we're in with those skills. why is that? perhaps there is no desire to lead, perhaps there is no one to lead, perhaps there is no need to lead?

in every situation there are leaders and followers. the tasks may change and the role may change, but the most important thing to lead is ourselves. to lead, one must have a purpose then the skills. so in our own lives, we must have purpose then devise ways to lead ourselves there. in this, everyone can be a leader.

feel it

the sweet pain of being lonely.

sounds

been trying out my rather new Mogul headphones against my trusty T-Jays 3. got some feedback from friends as well.

i think they are both nice in their own ways.

precision. the TJ3 is better in this aspect as being in-ear gives it a certain advantage over an over ear over and over again. bzzt..pffht.. the reproduction in the TJ is crispier/crisper and more balanced with slight loss of power in the low range. the M have heavier lows and weak highs, thus i find it less accurate. nonetheless, still enjoyable given certain tracks.

comfort. i prefer the M as the padding is thick and yet overall weight does not give me a headache. while the TJ is in ear, after long period of it being snugly stuck in my ear, i tend to have a slight headache.

sound stage. M wins hands down. the wide sound stage is very different from the in ear. it give 'live' tracks a very enjoyable feel while still being able to maintain good space from studio track. TJ is nice as well, but the sound being right at your ear drums robs some of the ambiance of the music. however, it is still very nice to be able to hear the precise notes that is slightly lost from the M. not everyone like the wide sound stage, just like not everyone enjoys live music and prefers studio recorded precise pieces.

i must say that i enjoy these two very different devices. they give different feel to the tracks while reproducing the music to an extend that i find no fault in enough to detract me from the enjoyment.

if i am on the MRT, i would prefer the TJ as the in ear blocks out  more environment noise, but in quieter situations i prefer the M as i can get lost in the tracks more easily.

push

many thoughts. no time to form them properly. was thinking of something deeper in the afternoon, lost it. will be back someday.

much to do. much done and more yet to be done.

been physically training more. if i am not running, i am doing push ups. want to increase my strength, power and stamina. also hope to shed some grams, then i can be nimble and agile. it helps with my sleep and energy levels through the day. also helps with my self confidence as well as archery. always had excuses, not to do them enough. now it seems i must find excuses to take a rest day. hope this carries on. it's good.

work wise, taking it slower than i liked, but the push is more confusing than i thought it would be. must figure it out more and formulate a plan. a work plan and schedule. i think i have some leads, but got to start reeling in them lines.

family doing fine. everyone have jobs now. and well, things are more stable emotionally as well. God's grace.

high wall

let's face it. i don't know exactly what you are going through and you don't know what i am going through.

i still bear hope and am doing what i think is the right thing. i could be wrong. given my track record of such things, i probably am. it's the only thing left at this point for me to do. so i am doing it. it could all be for nothing, but then, so be it. it's good for me anyway.

i hope you are fine. and whatever issues you have, we have, we can still be friends..somehow.

now, i know it's not in my hands. i can only try my best and leave the outcome to God.

EEEEEEEeeeeeeekkkkkkssssss!!!!!

this new job is so out of my comfort zone that sometimes, i can totally feel my insides squirming. my inner voice, usually calm and detached, now seems to be on the edge. even when i drive i get jittery.

hope i settle in soon and do some good work. then can explore more options.

it is toughest for the first 1-3 years, depends on who i listen to. do i have that much time?


well..the good thing about this is that, every night my bible reading becomes a rock and a calming salve. i cannot sleep without it. even though the passage i read might not be related in anyway, but it gives me confidence and hope for the future.

my heavenly Father, my Lord, our God. there is nothing i can do or say to express my thanks. take my life and mold it to Your purpose. that my work may glorify Your name. Amen.

character

it is what we bring everywhere we go and to everything we do. and it shows.

it is something we all should try to improve on, no matter the circumstances. no mean feat, but totally worth it, when your actions or your words makes an impact for the better to someone.

everyone, after sometime can see who you really are. you cannot hide behind money, words, laughter, jokes or being a poser shit. those who knows you, will know you and chose to accept you or not. we can only try to be who we want to be and the people around us will reflect who we are.

blaming others for shit that happens and not thinking of the big picture, is easy. it is not wrong, but also not entirely right. i guess that really shows your character. while others are trying hard to keep things together, some just wants to watch the world burn, especially those who love them enough to forgive them.

i am disappoint.

hard knock

as this day draws to a close, i want to thank God for keeping us in His grace and mercy. we have been tested and been found wanting. it is time for us to look back to the times we could have done more and been better, learn from those times and be better.

defeat is always bitter, no matter the circumstances. and we must learn from it and be better, or we will be defeated again.

this is a hard knock for RJ archery, especially for those in J2 now. the efforts, no matter how much/little, all seem wasted. but they are not. the journey, the friendship and even the competitions are all learning opportunities. if we have the eye and the heart to take in these hard lessons.

maybe i'm older and do not seem to be affected as much. but in fact i am very affected. i just did not let myself be seen to be. this shows something about the way i coached them. it's time to get serious.

this is the first time, i felt that the team deserved to lose. and i felt that the lost would be a better than a win. for a win will teach them nothing. many in the team are living in the clouds and do not put in real effort to ensure they do well. and they needed this lesson to hopefully, show them the real situation. that winners are not born into it. they fight for it.

the sad part is that, this pulls the rest of the team down. the rest of the team who trained like fevered russians and who fought like crazed monkies.

as a team they came. as a team they fought.

life is suffering. get used to it. live it. embrace it. fight it. love it. rise above it.

worth

i am going to make myself, worth more than ever. year on year. why?

i have goals. my dreams have solidified into goals. some parts of the dreams are lost and gone. the parts that are still there, will receive the attention they deserve, now that i have cut loose the baggage that i carried for so many years.

through the years, i have lost myself in a dream that is not becoming closer. this year i am starting anew. i replanned my life and am going for it.

it hurts too damn much to lose what was a corner stone. now i walk alone. but i am not alone. the Lord my God guides me and comforts me.

i will do my best, because God is with me.

really understand

i guess it's just youths being young. and the wistful thinking that we can hold more than what time allows. nonetheless, i still feel rather irritated when people use the word 'forever', in situation, where it is not possible, plausible or even remotely appropriate.

forever. a middle length word with huge meaning and often misused.

i am just being an old fart. being cheated by the word, the promise of the word and the reason behind the word.

i dislike it.

people use it too frivolously. no respect for the proper context of it and many times, with no intention of backing it up at all.

a new dawn

i hope. i am somewhat changed these months. i think for the better. still a ways to go, but on my way. after sitting on my ass for years, i can feel that i am moving ahead.

feels like a media block out. but..still miss you..<3 be well.

so

i do know this..

i am not communicating with you. yet i still want to. i remember the good things. i think of the good things we can have together.

i am not sure about your side. but i am trying.

if i am wasting my time and there is a better chance of a snow man dancing in hell, let me know straight.

we are still friends..right?

still stuck

why? i really don't know and it's twisting me inside.

do you know?

missing lots

i could stay awake just to hear you breathing
watch you smile while you are sleeping
while you're far away and dreaming
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender
i could stay lost in this moment forever
where every moment spent with you is a moment i treasure

don't want to close my eyes
i don't want to fall asleep
cause i'd miss you babe
and i don't want to miss a thing
cause even when i dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
i'd still miss you babe
and i don't want to miss a thing
-Aerosmith

Coco avant Chanel

finally finished watching it. started some years back on a flight, which landed before i could finish the show.

beautiful. smart. classy. sad. broken beyond recovery.

i feel it so. i hope..this is not the end for me.

time

heals all wounds? i do not think so.

after these months, i still think and miss her. after these months, i am still wondering where went wrong and what could i have done. after these months, when i let it, i still want to break down.

after these years, i still regret some of the things i did. after these years, i still cannot forget the things i chose not to stop.

i think the pain is not lessened, it's just acceptable. or somehow, we chose to ignore it in favor of more recent events. it's dulled, by choice.

perhaps it's just me.

i am still really hurt. i still really hope i can make it back the way it is.

and i am trying.

doors

now i have more choices than lives. praying for some guidance to go where i should.

if i have to go in blind..then i will walk by faith.

怎麼捨得你

紅笑臉　紅裙　紅絲巾
白紙般　坦率　還天真
一對眼　水晶般吸引
流轉的舞步　像浮雲

忘記你　但仍然想起
愈想起　更加難入寐
緊抱你　抱緊的只得空氣
明知得不到你　何必再要記起 *

一絲絲　一點點　燒毀憶記
一幅幅　一聲聲　又復燃起
怎麼捨得你
任由我 腸斷至死

戀一生 差一些 不可一起
祇一心 等一天 日月如飛
卻等不到你
願忘記　又想起你 *

情與愛　是無從更改
未更改　卻因何分開
失去你　才明白未可捨棄
但始終祝福你　寧願我這田地
-張學友

becoming fully me

i got the title from one of my lecturer while doing my diploma. it is apt. for religious persons and otherwise.

most people believe in the potential that we can be better someways, many ways, or even all ways. in our own belief system, we have to decide, which way to grow and be better. be more complete. more perfect. yet, we all know, we cannot be perfect. we can only try, and be happy with the attempt and ourselves as it may be.

i think i am becoming who i envision myself to be. the path i am taking changed abit, but i am forging forward and i can see my targets clearer and the road to attain them seem more concrete now, more than ever. my personal goals are driving me forward and i think that is good. all the while though, i have this feeling within me, that gnaws at me.

it is futile. it is pointless. these things do not make for a happy life. they can help, they can secure and they are necessary in this world, but they are not happiness. without them, it is even harder to be happy. or is it easier?

i am broken inside. while, on the outside, i stand taller. this is not becoming fully me.

under the surface

while i go about
my daily life
the things that i do
makes my days full

i have no doubt
this feeling of mine
some might not have a clue
why i feel like a fool

i want to shout
even want to whine
where in my world are you?
oh, i wish i knew

typed this sometime back and have been looking at it and seeing if i can make it better. i am sure better writers will be able to and i am not better yet. so i post this up.

re think

some time back i posted about how i think we Christians should think like our salvation is not completed until we pass on from this physical world..then i read this piece.

http://rejoicejesus.com/profiles/blogs/are-catholics-considered-christians-and-are-they-saved-by-the-sai

after some rethinking of my concept, i think that it is still a good idea to hold. reason being, Jesus taught us that if we do not do the works of the Father, we do not love him and will not go to heaven. even if Jesus does not do the work of the Father, we should not believe him. (John 10:37) so, while our salvation is bought and completed by Jesus having died on the cross and raised up to heaven, only those who love God and does His will are His children.

this is markedly different from Catholic teachings, where the traditions in place gives the authority and power to the church. what i suggest is centered upon God and His plan for us. while we are already saved, we can only accept salvation by loving God. and by loving God, we do His will.

so there is no works we can do to save ourselves. that is already done by Jesus. we just need to love God and do His will, His plan for us. it's not like, yay! i'm saved, i can do kill the idiot who cut my queue just now. or i can be sexually immoral now! those who does not keep God's law, does not do His will are not children of God and they do not love Him enough to follow Him. and thus have not received salvation.

my previous post on this was more on sin and repentance. in the same way, when we repent to God and ask for forgiveness, we are doing His will and asking for His help to guide us to do His will in our own lives. so, in a broader sense, to receive salvation, according to the bible, we must do God's will. and not add or subtract from His word.

fumble around in my head, but i think i understand better now.

mindful

thought to start writing a somewhat short story of some random stuff. now after two entries, i realise i have less time than i thought i would have.

studying. the more proper term at this point in time is cramming. 14 days or so to remember a book around 400pages long about laws surrounding financial transactions and advisers. my brain is really stretched out. then 7 days after that paper, another paper and book of around 300+ page for investments and policies and stuff.

on top of that, still coaching, trying to shoot abit here and there, exercise, keep up with committee stuff just to last the term and hanging out with people who are around. oh..! and driving.

tiring. somewhat nice to be pressed on and see the growth i promised myself. and as i do this, somehow more opportunities comes along. just going to explore and see what options do i actually have.

wishing you were somehow here.. =(

ground work

it was some years ago. six to be more exact. Mr H. Art was out, just walking around the small town. that was before he gain influence over the town, at that time, Brian ran things. Things were well, everyone was satisfied and no one gave a anyone else grief. if there were problems, Brian was there to solve them and everyone was satisfied.
the object was a passing through town. a curious object brought there by curious circumstances. Mr H was intrigued by it.
the more he found out about it, the more he was enamored. at first, he fiddles with other things and was occasionally occupied with other stuff and was trying not to be obsessed with it. somehow, he could not help himself.
days became weeks and months. and years passed. finally, the object had to move on to another place.
Mr H was convinced that he will get ready and go with it, not willing to let it out of his life. He had plans, get the proper papers and some funds, so that he can start afresh at the new place and try to fit in.
That was the plan, but he had to stay on to finish some business he was obliged to handle to the end. and so his plans were delayed. Even so, he was eager to start the preparations to go on with the object, to make sure that he was always with it.
soon the time came for the object to go ahead with the move. Mr H, thought to keep track of it, until he was ready to go to wherever it went. he was sure now. where he had doubts, now Mr H was convinced. even Brian was convinced and was helping Mr H prepare.
then, it was lost..

intro

"What do you mean it won't work?! Everything is supposed to work around here. God did not create things that don't work."
Brian sighs. Mr. H. is having one of those moods. Mr. H. Art, directs everything in this town. Everyone listens to him and follows his wimps and fancies. When things don't work out for Mr. H., they don't work out for everyone else.
"Sir. I am sorry, but it's not our fault. We tried everything, there is just no return signal.", Brian tries to explain the situation.
They were trying to get some respond from a train that is carrying a precious cargo. Some days ago, it stopped responding to calls and could not even be found.
"It is a train. It runs on tracks. It is only going one direction. Find it." Mr. H, gets what he wants, usually.
The town have mobilized a search vehicle to follow the track until the destination of the train. The party, was expecting a party on the road. Like Mr. H says, it's a train, on a track going to a  seaport, where could it go? Upon arriving at the port, the train was nowhere to be found. No cargo, no train, no crew. The party came back somber and afraid. Mr. H's precious cargo is lost. And with it, his temper.
Now, they were trying to send a signal to the cargo container, which have an on-board tracking device.
"We tried all the signals possible and all the channels available to us, but we are just not getting a respond from the box. It's like it disappeared." Brian tries to explain again. He knows Mr. H will just order him to try everything, again.
"Send people to all the surrounding towns to look for my cargo. If it is not found within the week, i will know what to do."
Brian thought this sounds more ominous than if Mr H rant and raved. This is not over. Not for everyone in this town.

deep purple

i've been lonely, i've been cold. i've been looking for a woman to have and hold 'cause i know, yes, i know i've been mistreated. Since my baby left me i've been losing, i've been losing, i've been losing my mind, baby baby babe.

ask

i ask these of Thee, come back, speak to me, tell me the truth and let us endure it together. for better or worse. one thing i promise, i won't give up.

dreams, not worth much if they lie not in your own hands.

landed

and so another weekend passed. not really eventful. had fun and was tiring. missing something. missing someone.

wondering about my decision and choice that i made. going ahead with it and going to do my best, just having mixed feelings. eager, enthusiastic, feels challenged in a good way, yet hesitant and worried. won't know till i try, so will be doing it. just that i feel..lost.

life's mystery, figuring it out for yourself is the journey.

fly

it's been some months since i last took a flight to somewhere. it's been a crazy few months. so many things have changed and not for the better, most of it anyway.

i don't know what to expect. i am going there to shoot, to coach and to relax. now i have to study there also, else there won't be enough time to study when i come back. no breaks these days. i'll rest when i die. or when i can stop worrying about the future. either i have no more future to worry, or everything is settled so that there is no more tinkering to do. so for now, we toil.

i am not entirely happy to go on this trip. i don't have much to look forward to there actually. i want to shoot well, but am certainly not prepared. not looking forward to walk around there without someone else.

well..take it as it comes. much to do this year. have some ideas of my targets and plans this few years. so it's nice to have that kind of drive and focus. really thank God for showing me how i can grow myself.

though i walk on and try to work hard, some part of me is left behind. i do wonder, if it'll be pieced back.

blocked. right?

who am i?

so tired now. so many things to settle before flight and too many commitments suddenly. and yet i promise to help people and try to make things better for others.

it makes me feel better about myself, but at what cost? yes helping others is a good way to get out of depression for myself, but i think right now, i need to be more selfish or at least more picky about what and who i chose to help.

compassion, a good trait to have. in this modern world? i don't know. but i was brought up this way. deal with it.

too much

ok..feeling rather over stretched here.

8hours of sleep in three days. the enxt two days are packed and high key. oh my goodness. i am feeling it.

to rest i go.

though my body is tired and mind is shutting down, i still feel..sad. and that makes everything worse. though i can put on my coach face to be Coach/TM Ken, inside of me, i am still wilting and slowly breaking. gah. sucks.

days

been rather busy going to try new stuff, it's tiring.

being more active in stuff and going out to look for things to do and settle what have been put on hold. good feeling, but tiring. maybe something in my diet is making me tired naturally. or something.

anyway..it's been rather confusing. i know what i want, but seems so far away. not sure what to do. i am sure, some idea will somehow become better to me and i will move down that path.

PSA 18:2 The LORD [is] my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, [and] my high tower.

recovering

you know those people who attends AA are suppose to never consider themselves 'recovered'. the addiction is a problem and the alcohol is a crutch for them. they tend to always have addiction problems, just how severe and to what. so they are all 'recovering addicts'. this keeps them in the perspective that they need to be constantly aware of the issue and stay strong to avoid being tempted again.

in this case, i think i see a parallel  with being what Christians like to called as 'saved'. we still sin. and we can still back slide, so to speak, and become further from God's grace. so instead of calling Christians 'saved', we should be 'being saved'. for every moment in this world can be a turning point when a person becomes tempted to leave God and His love, to fall into sin again. similar to AA, the term 'being saved' should help us to be aware of the fact that it's not over until we depart from here and return to the side of the Lord. and thus, keeps us on our toes and not act all haughty and holier-than-thou.

point being, until we are done here, while we still preserve our freedom of choice, as we still possess a will of our own, we can still turn from God and His ways. so, if we are keen to stay in His grace and mercy, we should always be aware of our own failings and sins. thus we should constantly, check ourselves, know our actions and ask for forgiveness for the wrongs that we did and ask for guidance and mercy so that we can be better.

truth is, i was thinking about something else, before my thoughts draw nearer to God and our relationship with Him on this earth.

i was rather confident that i am alright and will be good to meet up with friends and be friends. i was wrong. i still love Kim very much and being just friends hurts. i don't know if she feels the same. part of me wish that she does, and a small part hope that she doesn't. i am confused. as confused and hurt as a month or so ago.

i am not over her. maybe i am not even trying. i am trying to be better to be able to win her back. is that the right thing to do? i don't know, but for now those actions are the same i would take if i have no one i love. so carry on i go. only difference is that i miss her and wishes for us to be better and be more than friends.

that is up to God's plan, easy to say, hard to let go. pray i shall and do what i should do. what else can i do?

so i am still being saved and still in love. life taking new turns soon, and without a companion to speak to and discuss life with, it's.. ..rather hollow. i am never one to work for my own goals. am trying to set and go towards some, but it feels strange.

should have seen it coming when the roses died
should have seen the end of summer in your eyes
should have listened when you said, "goodnight"
you really meant goodbye
baby, ain't it funny, how i never ever learn to fall?
you're really on your knees when you think you're standing tall
but only fools are 'know it all's' and i played that fool for you

i cried and i cried there were nights that i died for you, baby
i tried and i tried to deny your love drove me crazy, baby

if the love that i've got for you is gone
if the river i cried ain't that long
then i'm wrong, yeah i'm wrong, this ain't a love song
-Jon Bon Jovi

how can i not love you

how can i not love you
what do i tell my heart
when do i not want you
here in my arms
how does one waltz away
from all the memories
how do i not miss you
when you are gone
-Joy Enriquez

finally

a lazy afternoon to rest.

been keeping busy and getting things done. pretty satisfied with the stuff i have been doing, but needs to do more. waiting for things to happen, then i'll be busier.

though i wish..someone else is here with me.

Psa 34:18 The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Psa 34:19 Many [are] the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

life goes on

these two months have been so many things. sad, trying, broken, getting close to God, having good friends around, recovering, drunk speak, collapse on the floor with bottle of tequila in hand and crying to mom, moving ahead with plans in spite of all these. it's times like these, where life pushes you to go out there and get things done. things ranging from getting drunk, to getting interviews, to learning new skills and even just learning to sit down and open your mind and heart to God.

it's strange that in my life, many times when i just want to make changes to go on ahead, things change for the worse. it's painful. and i push on, i become better in some ways and in some ways never recover. now, things are looking better, and yet i want to recover what i lost. i feel that, i am empty without that.

and as i feel that way, i know that God have plans for me. to push forward. i am comforted and perplexed at the same time. i am scared and hopeful at the same time. i am eager and downcast at the same time. i can only pray and hope that as i go along life, i will learn to trust Him more and enjoy myself as i be His instrument. i know that these days, i have had encounters to spread His love and i did. knowing that, i am satisfied.

i go on in life. i go on being God's child and servant. and still i feel, i am missing a piece. though i hurt, i pray.
not as i wish Lord, but Your will be done.

1John 5:14 And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:
1John 5:15 And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.

leading

strange days and stranger nights.

slept for an hour and woke up feeling rather refreshed. cannot get back to sleep. don't feel tired at all, but think i will suffer later in the day.

anyway, since i could not sleep, i did some reading and re-read this interesting article on ST some time back. now posted on some blog.
http://dinmerican.wordpress.com/2010/09/11/days-of-reflection-for-mm-lee-kuan-yew/

reading it and the comments makes me realize a few things.
sgforumers are generally idiots compared to forumers such as these.
“We mourn the blossoms of May, for they are to wither; but we know, that May is one day to have its revenge upon November, by the revolution of that solemn circle which never stops,–which teaches us always, in our height of hope, ever to be sober, and in our depth of desolation, never to despair.”
LKY knows that he did terrible things. he chose to do them. for what? for Singapore. do we really understand what had to be done at those times?
everyone makes mistakes. not even he could foresee the problems that arose from his decisions. so live with it.
he is a man. a smart man. a powerful man. still a man. his wife have since passed on. he is old and frail. he knows it's soon. and yet, besides all this, he worries about Singapore and our future. what a man!

yes, many people condemn him and his family for running Singapore the way it is being run. to me, we have done well. could we have done better? probably not by much. to do much much worse is much much easier. recent years have seen tremendous change in global, regional and local scene. i believe Singapore needs to stand firm in this troubled times and not be swayed by passing squalls. it seems that the government is more keen to go with the flow, even when the flow change every few months. not easy on the populace. still we need to change and adapt. perhaps..

then i remember searching and reading about 'Maranatha'.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maranatha
http://www.swamij.com/maranatha.htm

interesting. will further study that. ok, try to sleep another hour before leaving the house.

blade runner

when i first watched it so many years ago, i was so young and could not appreciate it. except for the parts that had action or some sci-fi stuff.

re-watching it now brings such a revelation. no wonder it is a classic in many people's opinion. no matter the setting, the story of the struggle for survival is such a main theme that one can almost taste it. the ending brings a amazing closure with a subtle twist.

undeserved
we find love
in the end

meandering

stuff are happening. i am progressing. some stuff changed and am now confused what's next. praying for guidance and decision as to what should i do.

so far, nothing bad happened. so it's good. i think. am more aware of what i really want to do and found out more about what i need to do to get there. hmm..not easy i guess, but oh well.

Psa 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. 

once again.

can't sleep. can't think. can't stop thinking. 2 steps forward 1 step back.

i want to get on to be better and do the things i need to do and want to do. and through all that, to love God. and you.

you know who you are. i am lonely, if i don't feel so then i'm not alive. i miss you. <3

1 Cor 13

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. (KJV) 1611
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (ESV) 2002
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV) 1973
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these [is] charity. (WEB) 1833

http://www.greatsite.com/timeline-english-bible-history/
http://www.godandscience.org/apologetics/bibleorigin.html
http://www.gentles.info/BibleHistory/Index_History.html
http://www.historyworld.net/wrldhis/PlainTextHistories.asp?historyid=ac66

this struck me as strange..that this passage was translated to say charity instead of love which i am sure many people are familiar with. so i did some reading on the bible versions and translations.

it turns out that KJV, while sounding old and somewhat incoherent to me, is translated to English using 5 manuscripts. the WEB, was based on the KJV and made some edits. the NIV was created by translating 5664 greek scripts. and the ESV, compiled the NIV with other translations to be more 'complete'.

this confusion for me became a learning trip for me. reading about the translations and what each set out to do. so while i was trying to understand the bible better in terms of spiritual teachings and how to live as a Christian, here i gained a deeper understanding of the bibles we read.

still

afloat. still drifting.

not yet gotten a direction. not yet gotten a purpose. i have some ideas, but still waiting to be confirmed, still waiting for something to happen. in God's hands now.

as i feel more relaxed and not as broken, i still feel sad. for the things i did not do to prevent this, and the things i did to hasten this. maybe there was no escape. maybe it was meant to be like this to build me up. maybe..you are not meant to be mine.

ok..now i'm getting emo. nights. over and out.

ups and downs

so today actually was great. but i did do something i should not have done. feel confused and bad about it. been praying about it since it happened. man..phhht. weak soul.

anyway, discovered something that i should have thought of long ago. but not too late. and it feels like it's the right thing to do. will pray about it and see how it goes.

sent out more resumes last night. man..there are job out there, but why not reply?haha.. see, i am still eagerly waiting for some hints of acceptance somewhere, so that i can move on and see progress in my life. on the other hand, i feel like i should just send out as i see fit and wait for God to direct me where He wants. so that it really one huge load off my shoulder. this new found reliance on God's strength, wisdom and plan is very intriguing. like i know i should be anxious, and i am, but in a different way. peace is there, acceptance is there. it's on my mind, but no longer eating at me like it used to.

and so, God is really my shelter and refuge now. and my own strength and abilities are nothing in light of His power over all thing. and having this trust and faith, makes me more focused and yet relax. i will still do my best, cause God knows my efforts and heart in all things. and on top of that, His hand is there to shape me and my future. i know it's not a new message, but it is new to me! i knew it, but i just am learning to live it. indeed God is wonderful.

with so many things happening pointing to His hand that shaped me and gave me chance to talk to my mom about it, i am more optimistic about what is to come. no matter if it is my wants or not, it is His will and it is good. <3

God's will

for the first time in my life, i feel that i was submitting to God's will.

these few weeks have been trying. having bad mood swings, had drunk days and had ranted to anyone who would listen. after some time, all those stopped working, pain and loneliness became my constant companion even when friends or family are around.

since it happened, i have read the bible more regularly and praying more regularly. on top of that, i would occasionally find a passage especially interesting and read up more on them, and then think about what it meant to me in my life now. so all in all, i have grown closer to God and know the bible better. even though this is my 3rd reading of the NT, it is not surprising that i still find many passages fresh and  intriguing. i guess it also helps that i am reading in KJV and ESV side by side. by doing this, i have found that some passages in the ESV do not really reflect the KJV translations, then it will bring me to read up on it and find out what the passages mean if directly translated from Hebrew. and i must say, it is very interesting. while i am no scholar, i do learn more and now i can say, i am glad i did all these.

to those who are serious about learning about God's will, i suggest reading a few versions of the bible and then try to find the Hebrew translation of the passage. it will give more insight to the translations, their times and lifestyle and concerns of the age, as well as the direct meaning of the Hebrew text. then it would be up to us to make the links for the passages into our lives. i feel like i am trying to decipher what the gospel writers are trying to say and what the different translations mean, and i must say, it is very nice to be reading something and find that the meaning is no longer obscure.

while i find it interesting and enriching, i must also caution that not every translation and attempts to understand the Bible will result in finding a passage that you find to your liking. some were of course, cautionary advise, as to how to be living in Christ and how not to. then there are those that totally seem to be telling you to turn back from your ways. in some of the passages, i find that that passage seems to be rebuking me for what i had done wrong in the past.

through all these readings and prayers, i have felt myself change. my thought pathway have changed. my daily routine have changed. my vision of myself have changed. i know there will be sometimes where i will backslide, but as much as i can, with all my strength and all my mind, i will love God.

loving God, having faith in the resurrection, believing in the gospel is life changing. i felt a small measure of that when i first converted, and now i feel it stronger.

Jesus did not die so that we can live in sin. He died and rose so that we may die in our sinful ways and live life cleansed from sin.

the gospel does not tell us that we will be happy, rich or otherwise abundant in this life. in fact it tells of hardship if we are to follow Christ. it merely presents that if we do the will of our God, we will be able to arise and abide in His glory forever.

loving God, means knowing His will, doing them and trusting that it's best for us. i have struggled with this. a lot. now i hope i have began to trust in Him more and more, that i may act to glorify His name.

He knows my desires, my wants and my needs, and i trust that He will give me what i need, and give me my desires if He sees fit. it is not easy for me to make myself feel this way. there is a measure of emptiness, of despair and hopelessness, because you give up the control over your own desires. in return i have felt, peace and contentment.

while i want it, God will give it to me, if it is His will. it may not be now, may not be ever. if it is never, His will be done. He is with me in all my pain, my empty days and night and He is with me through my triumph.

it is easy to be angry at God when we are down and hurt. and it is easy to forget about God in the moments of our achievements.

at all times and all place, let us sing praise to the Lord. when we put God first, love Him the most, then we find peace and purpose, like never before.

Mat 6:31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
Mat 6:32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

remembering

all the wonderful Valentine's Day we shared puts a sad smile on my face. really wished we could do that every year. now it seems so distant and achy.

lazy day

went out with mom for dinner then sat at starbucks and chatted for about 3 hours.

talked about lots of stuff and told her more about God. every little bit helps. Thank you my Lord. =)

still rather moody and depressed. think i'll be like this a quite sometime more. just got to buck up and do my shit. i'm doing what i can so far and considering more options as i read more and figure more things our.

trust that God will put me where he wants and not where i want. it's tough to think that sometimes, but got to learn to trust Him more and let Him steer my life. really excited about what's going to happen this year, as i can feel that things are moving forward after some troubles in the past years. very strange indeed, even things at home are changing. the relatives that have not really been communicating are now closet together and i feel some positive feeling around.

i think these few weeks have been tough and i have changed much. i feel less inhibited now. i feel like i am more able to chiong and get stuff done. it's like some stone have been lifted from my neck and i have more energy and spirit to go out and do things. lethargy was my big killer, it's getting lesser everyday.

thank you dear God, for everything in my life. though i have some tough times, i know You put them there for me to be built up, to be better, that i may better perform Your works and glorify Your name. you know my heart more than anyone else, i pray Lord that you will guide me and strengthen me, that i may be an instrument worthy of Your use. i have always known that good works is not for reward, either here or heavenly, but only for because You made it good and it is our duty to do them. it is not easy to do that all the time, i ask that You, my Lord, will forgive us when we fail and renew us that we may do them more and more, for the glory of Your kingdom. Amen.

Aedh wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-W.B. Yeats (1865–1939).  The Wind Among the Reeds.  1899

fairness

is not always there in a relationship. if you are looking for that, then i think it'll most likely fail at some point.

sometimes you do stupid things and needs to be forgiven and loved. sometimes you are disappointed and should be forgiving and loving. this way, the relationship can move ahead. after these episodes, the parties become more understanding and hopefully do less stupid things to spoil what they have. not all hurt caused are the same or felt to be the same intensity. some relationship might have one side doing more stupid things than the other by a lot.

some people stick by each other, feeling as there is no end point to the relationship, because the love for each other is enough to always end up in forgiveness and love.

sometimes not.

spectrum

been thinking about me, specifically my personality.

i am a introverted person, who likes to think about stuff carefully and am usually shy about meeting new people. this is my personal self.

i act extroverted, talk to people i barely know and crack random jokes. this is my public self.

when i did DISC and TJTA i was found to have personality type of Peacemaker.
Extract below from http://www.axiomsoftware.com/

This type of profile, showing a high level of Steadiness with no other balancing factors, is seen somewhat less often than many profiles. Steadiness is the factor of patience, calmness and gentle openness, and a pure High-S style will reflect these qualities. People of this kind are generally amiable and warm-hearted, being sympathetic to others' points of view, and valuing positive interaction with others. They are not outgoing by nature, however, and rely on other, more assertive, people to take the lead.
As in their general lifestyle, this type of person will look to more socially assertive people to initiate relationships of any kind - their solid, dependable outlook makes them far more suited to the maintenance of interpersonal relations than making initial contact. For this reason, their circle of friends and close acquaintances is often small but tightly-knit.
This person's particular strengths can be summarised as 'supportive'. They are dependable and loyal, this combines with an emotional literacy to make them particularly effective listeners and counsellors. They are also unusually persistent in approach, having the patience and restraint to work steadily at a task until it is achieved. This makes them unusually capable of dealing with laborious tasks that many other styles would simply not have the patience to complete.
The underlying patience of this type of person is the root of their motivating factors. They need to feel that they have the support of those around them and, more importantly, time to adapt to new situations. They have an inherent dislike of change, and will prefer to maintain the status quo whenever possible; sudden alterations in their circumstances can be very difficult for them to deal with. Once embarked on a task, they will wish to concentrate closely on it and see it through. Interruptions and distractions of any kind can be particularly demotivating in these situations.

though the test was taken about 2 years ago, i feel it still describes me pretty closely. while i can stay on mind about stuff, i get demotivated rather easily and if i am abandoned by whom i feel should have stuck by me, i kind of just implode. so, i am needy, even though i can stay on task at hand.

this is my personal self, what i really feel.

what i show outwardly when i coach is something different. i assume a coach persona. it have to be this way to a large extend. the confidence and the easy going nature, is not easy for me to cultivate. i must genuinely feel that what i do is right to build that confidence and show it out, which means i must be sure of what i do and to my best ability figure out that it's right. being so open and trying to be funny is the bigger problem. from introverted and thoughtful, i have to assume to be friendly and playful, and even to be assertive.

this public self thing drains me. after sometime like that, i would really need to spend some quiet time  i need to just be with my close friend(s), loved one and do something relaxing and be myself, my personal self. when i do not have time for this, i spiral down in to depressed mood and feel withdrawn from the world whenever i can. it's not healthy. so, while i can and do enjoy being outwardly fun and engaging, i need to balance with my own needs to be quiet and subdued. to feel loved even though i am not so fun.

so, this reflect what my 'brother' and i figured out years ago. we reached a conclusion that while i can said to be a balanced person, my balance is achieved by weighing two extreme ends carefully and constantly. when i go too far inwards, i should be somewhat more outgoing and after sometime being outgoing, i need to withdraw into being me again.

it's like how i have very strong opinions about some stuff and no opinion about others. it's either i have thought about it and have an opinion or i have not thought about it, or even more remotely, i thought about it and found no opinion about it.

i have learnt to live with myself and how to push myself to do more stuff. while it may not seem like it, but i do think alot about the future. i guess it does not seem so cause i rarely take big actions. when i do take actions, it's a series of smaller steps i suppose. this is my problem, i do not feel so comfortable taking huge risk and make big changes. and sometimes, it is necessary. what i have learnt is that, after considerations, if it is necessary, i just have to go at it boldly. if not, the time might pass and i am left with nothing. like now i suppose.

i can see how me, my personality and how i interact with the whole can be difficult to live with. just let me say this, if anyone reads this anyway, 'trust me. love me. i will make sure we are alright.' God bless. and good night.

reading/read

been reading some Christians forum and website of people discussing Christians stuff. and i feel like i had some small revelations.

for things that are not clearly spell out in the Bible, it is for us to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide us. and as my previous post suggest, it might not be the same for everyone.

my reading brought me to some page that was discussing stuff like masturbation and marital experimentation. it's interesting to know that the Bible did not say anything concrete about these stuff.
by going along the lines of sexual immorality we can go on the say that masturbation is probably not given the thumbs up. imagining having sex with someone you are not suppose to. even to reduce the act of joining with your spouse to be focused on your own pleasures.
so, in fact, unless a person can just make himself/herself  sexually pleasured, without immoral thoughts, it is immoral. then the problems becomes psychological and perhaps physiological, the addiction to pleasure is a well know one. and it spoils sex, simply because when pleasuring yourself, it is easy to know what you want and instantly to boot. no other person can do that. and so, it would be easy to be disappointed in sex with another person after having masturbated extensively.
some months ago, i read a report some some research from Italy that claims that people who have long history of masturbation using pornography are less satisfied with sex with their spouse. i did not think much of it at that time and not it makes more sense.

marital experiments that might are not clearly stated as go/on-go was also an interesting read, but of less relevance. the basic thing it says is to pray about it and discuss it over some period of time(weeks), while keeping the best interest of your spouse in front yours. only until both partners are satisfied that it's not sinful and are willing, then they may proceed. it makes sense, in marriage, our bodies are to belong to God and our spouse, so while trying something new that is not clear, it would be good to pray(ask God) and to have permission of each other as well.

ok, any audience out there. these are rather highly sexual stuff and please don't quote me or use my thoughts as a guide. if in doubt, pray and seek answer from the Creator of everything.

no way forward

even if i were to be who i wanted to be.
to be spiritually lead in a God-centric life.
to have a fulfilling, stable job.
to complete my studies and use what i learnt to help people.
to kick some of my bad habits.

i might still not have a chance again. sucks. big time.

Romans 14

Romans 14

 ¹Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not to doubtful disputations.

 ²For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs.

 ³Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.

 ⁴Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.

 ⁵One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.

 ⁶He that regardeth the day, regardeth it unto the Lord; and he that regardeth not the day, to the Lord he doth not regard it. He that eateth, eateth to the Lord, for he giveth God thanks; and he that eateth not, to the Lord he eateth not, and giveth God thanks.

 ⁷For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself.

 ⁸For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's.

 ⁹For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living.

 ¹⁰But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.

 ¹¹For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.

 ¹²So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

 ¹³Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.

 ¹⁴I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.

 ¹⁵But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.

 ¹⁶Let not then your good be evil spoken of:

 ¹⁷For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.

 ¹⁸For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.

 ¹⁹Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.

 ²⁰For meat destroy not the work of God. All things indeed are pure; but it is evil for that man who eateth with offence.

 ²¹It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.

 ²²Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth.

 ²³And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.

been stuck at reading this verse for a few days, somehow. keep reading it and understanding it more and more. did some research on it.

http://www.gci.org/bible/rom14

http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/1335-a-study-of-romans-14

so, in my limited understanding, it is as such.

1. traditions and practices are fine, as long as they are done to honor God.

2. do not keep out people who practice differently from you, as we understand and do differently, as long as it's not sin.

3. do things to keep peace between all and love them. as such do not judge them, but to keep our acts in accordance to the teachings of God.

4. whatever you do that is not in good faith is sin.

this is my third reading of the NT and this struck me as particularly important in today's context, as there are so many different Christian teachings and denominations. as we all study the Bible and use our earthly understanding to apply it in our own lives, and even in groups study and discuss the Scriptures, there are bound to have disagreement over the interpretations and application of the Word.

this whole chapter starts by saying, some of us who understands the scripture 'weakly' eats only herbs(vegetarians?), while those 'strong' in the scripture understanding, eats anything. this already hints to us that, as according to what we perceive as right, we do so in honor of God. by faith we do so and we are not wrong to do so.

i also feel that the punchline in this passage is verse 17, 18 and 19. what we do, what we eat and drink is not the crux. '..but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost..' in what we do to serve Christ is acceptable to God. we then do things that make for peace and things that encourage each other.

this brings to us works in faith. faith is not only belief in something beyond trust and knowledge. it becomes something to guide our actions, knowing that it is the right thing to do, our conscience in essence. the faith in the teachings of God in the Bible, becomes our conscience in everyday dealings. and thus by following our faith, which is disciplined by the teachings of Christ, and acting on these teachings with intentions to serve Christ and the glory of God, we won't be far off.

of course, then being humans, we err and are weak, and do stupid things at times. so then comes the repentance, forgiveness and the love of Jesus to save us. and everyday to be better and less sinful, by the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

much to learn here still.

i am most angry at myself for still being so lost.
for still being confused.
for still being a little girl about it.

i know what i want and am taking steps to go toward it. now it's just to wait it out. and that is the worse part ain't it..?

in the mean time, i'm too free, and my mind wanders the dark halls of emptiness and regrets.

all the questions

why are we so far apart now?
why do you seem so different?
why are you not talking to me anymore?
why did you give up?
why? as i am making the most changes to my life.
why does it seem to be so futile?
why don't you tell me what it really is?

why does it seem like it don't matter anymore..?

story

remembered this story i read online some time back.

guy 1 : i don't really want to be with her anymore.

guy 2 : why? what's wrong?

guy 1 : nothing..just she's mot the best out there you know. i mean, there are pettier girls, there are smarter girls and i'm sure i can get them.

guy 2 : so why haven't you?

guy 1 : i'm not sure. i do enjoy spending time with her and also like having her around to talk to and just hang out. but there are times when i can see myself being with some other hotter..smarter girls. you know?

guy 2 : don't be an idiot. she is not the smartest nor the prettiest face you will meet. but she's here with you. you think she have no other choice? it'll probably be easier for her to get a hotter guy or a smarter guy or a guy that earns more than you. but, she chose to stick with you and your bad habits. i think you know why. so don't look at what you could have. start to cherish what you have and make yourself better and she'll do the same.

too late?

confused

want to blog, but cannot find the proper thoughts and words to form and merge into anything remotely substantial. all i have now are some images here and there, some thoughts deep down, a few emotions so strong that somehow i don't think i am feeling them right at the moment and lastly, my body, tired and desiring rest and at the same time wanting to continue on staring at this screen and check all known avenue so that i won't miss a thing. any sliver of it is enough to tide me through a few more hours. that i know i am sane. somewhat.

it's at times like this that i remember many years ago, i did this online test thing on..friendster. haha..friendster. anyway, the result was that of all the biblical persons, i am most like Job. stubbornly taking punishment simply because i know one thing and i hold on to that with all my might. now, many things are telling me otherwise, yet i hold on and hope. really, parts of me are wanting to go one way, and the other part want to drop dead, and yet another is simply saying, 'hold on, it's not over.' whatever the shit means.

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
Job 1 : 21

sounds of silence

hello darkness, my old friend
i've come to talk with you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while i was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain
still remains
within the sound of silence


in restless dreams i walked alone
narrow streets of cobblestone
'neath the halo of a street lamp
i turned my collar to the cold and damp
when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
that split the night
and touched the sound of silence


and in the naked light i saw
ten thousand people, maybe more
people talking without speaking
people hearing without listening
people writing songs that voices never share
and no one dared
disturb the sound of silence


"fools", said i, "you do not know
silence like a cancer grows
hear my words that i might teach you
take my arms that i might reach you"
but my words, like silent raindrops fell
and echoed
in the wells of silence


and the people bowed and prayed
to the neon god they made
and the sign flashed out its warning
in the words that it was forming
and the sign said, "the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
and tenement halls"
and whispered in the sounds of silence