knowledge

knowldge is power. to certain extend, certainly.

knowledge of things can let you make decisions..right decisions. good decisions.
knowledge can give you upper hand in any number of situations.
knowledge can make you feel depressed, happy, peaceful and any variety of emotions.

knowledge is power. to know it is the surface. to change it is power. to be able to control what others know is power indeed.

personally, knowledge of yourself. better knowledge of how you think, feel, react and want to be, can allow you to have more control over yourself. this is, what i feel, most people lack. knowledge of themselves.

certainly, i think i don't know myself enough. i mean i am still trying to know and to change how i react to certain things..but yet there are alot of times when i cannot stop myself or even understand why i do or feel certain things. and those are things that i may regret later on.

sOo..perhaps if we know ourselves better and are able to stop ourselves from doing, saying things we know we'll regret, then we can be happier with ourselves and live life with less regrets.

but then as persons, we are always changing. it may be not as easy to know and understand even ourselve. but..what's to stop us from trying to better our lives?

we have met the enemy. they are us.

mirror test

when you get what you want in your struggle for self
and the world makes you king for a day
just go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say

you may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
and get pats on the back as you pass
but your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you cheated the man in the glass

when tha game is over, i just want to look at myself in the mirror, win or lose, and i know i gave it everything i had.
-Joe Montana

things don't always go our way. but keep faith and do your best, for nothing is written until God calls you home.

story i was given

the chinese farmer
there is a chinese story of an old farmer who had an old horse for tilling his fields.
one day the horse escaped into the hills and, when all the farmer's neighbours sympathised with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, 'bad luck? good luck? who knows?'

a week later the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills and this time the neighbours congratulated the farmer on his good luck. his reply was, 'good luck? bad luck? who knows?'

then, when the farmer's son was attempted to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. everyone thought this very bad luck. not the farmer, whose only reaction was, 'bad luck? good luck? who knows?'

some weeks later the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. when they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg they let him off. now was that good luck? bad luck? who knows?

was given this story before i was broken..about 2 years back..?

now being here..being who i am now. i learn this lesson and abit more.
not to judge things immediatly..they may turn around and surprise you..for good or bad.
nothing is sure or over till the fat lady sings.(if you don't know who the fat lady is..you ought to bang a wall against yourself.)

there are times when we are happy and feel so blessed. we love what we have and seems like nothing can get us down.
then there are times when everything is the opposite.

what i feel is..we should not take things too hard. things happen we invariably feel happy/sad/whatever..but is it necessary to the extend where we want to die ah..the world is so unfair ah..why i so unlucky..why only me? why? why? why?

stop that whining..unless you have cheese to go with it.

it's not the end until you die. sometimes things just go bad..learn from it and be better. to be able to handle more things. to be able to think clearly when things come falling apart. to keep your cool when the heat is up. take a deep breath and chill out before taking a look at it. you'll be more focused and less emotionally unstable. that will probably help in most cases.

when things are good..i guess enjoy and take it as it comes. don't get ahead of yourself. the future is not for us to fathom. take it and be happy that you have it. smile and think of all the nice things you have.

we all have lost before. we all have good times before. what's important is the now that we are in. don't dwell too much in the past or future..you'll lose your now.

sometimes, we just have to learn to let things come and go.
i know it's easier said then done.
but how long do you want to live in the past?
the shadow of a future that's no longer possible?
we are only human..let us deal with what we can and enjoy life as it's given.

thank you.

concerns

things i am concern about. though most of them i am powerless to do anything about. and below is one of them. SPR, apply liberally.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4812562.stm
http://news.yahoo.com/fc/US/Bush_Administration

why don't they s@@ themselves as threat to other people's right? they only wish to impose what they think is right to others and are totally missing the point that there are also people who view them as evil. only difference is the power to act on them.

they spend billions bombing people's cities and countries. they send their own people to die for their idea of freedom. they are the most indebted developed country. wth man.

why bother about what other countries do? if you pissed them off obviously you're scared. if not..what's the deal? people spend money build what they want..you build what you want. you have nukes but you don't want others to have them. you stop everyone from having them..pussy shit. cannot deal equally with others. think you are big brother..? shit head. the line between self-defence and bullying have been crossed so many times and still are being exploited cause they are the largest military. what a load of bull-.

after mistake in iraq. no WMDs were found. no links to terrorist were established. now they aim iran. if it's not about control of oil, i don't know what other than stupidity and machoism.

china build by army, you rebuke. russia opening up economy not the way you want, you rebuke. you say this and that country axis of evil. wow. mr. bush, are you God? or are you the right hand? or left?

didn't really want to bother. but i felt that people must be made aware.

oh well..anyway. things been cool. staying calm about life. trying to be better and disciplined. exercising and work related. also reminding myself about my temper. need to work it better.

so yeah..life's been normal. kind of. some ups and downs and trials. pretty good i guess. got chance at something better.

and as the Lord's grace fill my life. i live for Him. pray that i may fulfill whatever He planned for me. to live as He made me to live.

recently

just been pretty good.

had some problems controlling my own emotions at times. especially when it concerns the things i care alot about. my bad. hope i learn from them mistakes well and be better, and cause less troubles.

off to camp. back in a few days. s@@ you folks around. =)

may i live strong with God as my guide, my fortress and my Lord. come what may.

sometimes i wanna give up
i wanna give in,
i wanna quit the fight
and then i see you, baby
and everything's alright,
everything's alright

when i see you smile
i can face the world, oh oh,
you know i can do anything
when i see you smile
i see a ray of light, oh oh,
i see it shining right through the rain
when i see you smile
oh yeah, baby when i see you smile at me
-Bad English

amazing grace

how amazing my life have been the past year or sOo.. after being led back to God, things have just been better. there are still ups and downs, but there's been so much more peace and joy.

amazing grace! how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!
i once was lost, but now am found;
was blind, but now i see.

'twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
and grace my fears relieved;
how precious did that grace appear
the hour i first believed.

through many dangers, toils and snares,
i have already come;
'tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
and grace will lead me home.

the Lord has promised good to me,
his word my hope secures;
he will my shield and portion be,
as long as life endures.

yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
i shall possess, within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

the world shall soon dissolve like snow,
the sun refuse to shine;
but God, who called me here below,
shall be forever mine.

when we've been there ten thousand years,
bright shining as the sun,
we've no less days to sing God's praise
than when we'd first begun.

and the Lord gives, to those who keep faith in him.
i thank you, my Lord, for all that's in my life.
all that have made me, me.

another day

another shoot..another blow..another mistake..

intentions?dreams?wishes? all nothing if you cannot live by them and fulfill them.

nothing much to say here. lousy day overall yesterday.

i'll still do what i do and be me. cause that's all there is to do and be.

holding on

had a great weekend.

good friends.
good games.
good days.
good time.
=)

had sometime to think about stuff on bus back, since i forgotten to charge my mp3 player. about holding on to stuff..people..

i guess at some point of time in our brief lives, there would be people who leave us. and we are hurt and lost and damned(that's how we feel at that time, anyway). then our days are like nights and nights are still like nights. time seem a blur and all we feel is numbness or pain.

it's during times like this that our memories are like the commercials that we hate most. always playing the most hurtful parts and the also nicest parts..tempting our regret and stealing our sanity. our mind have taken leave and our body left on it's own, refuse to play its part. food taste like rocks and water like sand. body numb and sleep elusive.

after some days like this..slowly things go back to normal. life beckons. how long can one stay dead while being alive? i have no idea and hope i don't get another chance to try. it is then that we are merely surviving. not really alive. cause we are still holding on.

to memories. to hope. to anything that we can. unconsicously. we may simply hope to let go and start afresh and make up for lost time. but deep down we are still living the past and unable to walk on. so much were share and "blahblahblah.. .. .."

from experiencing my own recovery and talking and knowing people around me. i have come to this question.

if you say you love somebody and only want to best for them, want them to be happy. yet you hold on..unable to let them be. to let them go, in body as in mind. to allow them space to live, to make mistakes and to be a person without you. to simply let go of the need to make them happy. where is the line? the line that it's about them or it's about you?

is it to satisfy yourself? or to know they are happy or simply ok?no one can forever be happy..it would become meaningless. and everyone makes mistakes and have problems.

i asked myself this regarding people in my life. and i guess only recently that i can truthfully say that as long as they are generally happy and living their lives, i'm glad for them. ask me 3..4 months ago and i would have answered otherwise, maybe. it would have been i want to know they are happy. if i have truely let go of them from my life..why do i have to know that they are happy? as friends go, problems to share, ok..help and talk and ask. not dig and dig and dig, what are you unhappy about..nitpicking nitpicking.

that somehow seems narcissistic and hypocritical. but hey, that's me thinking. sOo..i guess for me, to let go of somebody like this is to mean leaving the person to be who they are. to live and make mistakes and handle problems..hopefully with me on the sideline as a friend.

smiles.
do what needs to be done and enjoy life as it is given.

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
-Sarah Mclachlan, Angel

somewhere

there's a place for us,
a time and place for us.
hold my hand and we're halfway there.
hold my hand and i'll take you there
somehow,
some day,
somewhere!
-West Side Story

we all get down sometime..somehow..somwhere.
sometimes..things ain't as bad as we think.
maybe all we need to do is carry on and keep faith.

keeping the dream alive
keep the faith
dream on

became a part of me..something i believe in.
cause miracles can happen..it just may take abit longer.
He have brought such wonders into my life recently.
should i have not the eyes to s@@..i would have been worse off.
thank the people around me who have guided me back to the Lord.
thank the Lord for them..for without i would be lost.

tentative regarding what's to come.
so many things happening.
so many possibilities.
so many fears.

faith..you have? i do.

life

so unexpected. so irritating.

so many things at so many times. ups and downs.

trying so hard and yet failing. having such good people around.

life.