home alone

even as the seasons pass by
and the years gone
there are no roots

even as the shelter nourishes
and the body rests
this isn't comfort

time and time again
failure knocks on the door
from within

yet again once more
the exit tempts me
to leave this house which is not home.

so disappointing. everytime i climb up and be better, i get dragged down and trapped. angry at the circumstances, angry at the losses, angry at the ineptness and the stupidity that permeates through these walls.

disappointing that even as i was a confidant and a peer, i am nothing now. maybe i was nothing all along.

fuck this shit.

baggage

it's another year gone. another tick of the number on th age thingy.

been putting off typing down something for a long time. partly, i don't really know how i feel or what to think about all these, and partly i am afraid of the things that i try to keep hidden.

this year have been good. i have a new job that i pretty enjoy and am pretty good at, which also pays alright. re-started studying. making progress in this adult modern life thing in this country.

this year have been challenging. studies are harder and i have less time for it. have not had time to pursue my own interests and been slogging for what others expect of me. money is still tight even with a flow coming in.

this year is down right fucked up. i'm the only one working at home now. brother sick. mom chronically ill. dad pretty much useless. that's where my pay goes, paying for most of everything. saving abit, pay for studies. poof! magic. like how my shirts and clothings can go missing from being washed at home. magic.. poof..like money..
feeling so frustrated, so trapped, and so angry. why is everyone so useless..

i'm on the verge of giving up something. studies, family or myself.

having no time to do my own thing also eats at me. i am not recovering properly. i have worse insomnia now. i get more shoulder pains now. i get ankle pains without running or anything. my fuse is tremendously short once i'm out of work-mode..especially at home.

can't seem to find a balance. can't seem to see a way out.

ohana? family?

i rather leave these all behind..responsibilities all on my shoulders..all for nothing..good for nothing now..

perhaps i'll feel different someday..

good..bad..suck it up and trudge on.
life's hard? take a shot of whisky and keep going.