you are right

and you are mistaken.

many times i still find myself angry. angry at the world, the situation, people being people, whatever is convenient. it will take me a few moments to digest that and be rational about it. to think about what i have learnt and that sometimes the people that i can get angry at, that is there in my crosshair, are not those i should be angry at.

many times, things are as they are through many twists and turns, and at fault of no one person or even a group of people. they just turn out like this through many small acts, intended or not. thus many people are blameless, perhaps only guilty of not being better people. and who have been their best at all times? certainly not myself.

thus, there are many times when i should not, yet i still do, give in to rage and anger needlessly. perhaps the consolation is that i learnt to recognise it and somewhat control it. to be able to direct it and diffuse it.

certainly took me long enough for this small step.

so many things in life to be disappointed by. and we can only do so little to make the right things happen. and everyone's 'right thing' is almost certainly a different thing. what a mess this world is in.

i am changed. yet i am still the same me.
still sad, still lost, still angry. what a mess i am.

dream

these days, all i want is to go to places i never been. 

see things i have never seen. 

do things i have never done. 

take it all in, to fill up that which is now empty.

life, as of now, is running me to the ground.

burning my fuse from both ends.

spreading me over too much..bread.

running out, of gas, of life, of connections.

where i am, i toil and gave at the tax booth.

passing back and forth.

going about the circles..of life.

gasping at, that which tenuously holds my shape.

take flight, in the gap between spaces.

into utterly true

and honest..desires.

till such time, when skies are blue; over the rainbow.

viva la singapura

i thought i was done with GE15, but something keeps nagging at me. I have to put it out.

while the campaigning was going on, politicians on both sides were playing their tactics to garner votes, fear mongering, enticing with goodies, putting down the other side, blowing up each other's unfortunate comments, business as usual really.

the supporters on both sides were also taking pot shots at the other side trying to score points for whomever they supported.
what i think is going overboard is that, thinking that you/your side is more 'wise', 'logical', 'smart' or brave' and whatever than supporters of the other side.

we all grew up here. faced many similar problems, saw the same things done and not done. what made us think differently are the influences we had and the intricate web of things that affected us as we were growing up. we all think differently, as we are different. politically, that difference is a strength, it means that as a population, we will chose what is best for us on the whole.

so, while others disagree with you, they are no less intelligent, informed or otherwise. many times we are entrenched in only what we know and support, confirmation bias. it is safer, easier and less stressful. not many would go out of their way to read what the other side have said, what arguments they put out and then have the mental strength to think about it critically and with as little bias as possible. so that shapes our thinking and more importantly, our perspective on those who disagrees with us. and that is a long term negative effect on the country as a whole, as these biases gets passed down generations and the divides get wider and more extreme. especially with the ease of use of the internet, the anonymity and swiftness of message sharing will only entrench the different sides.

please do not demonise, de-humanise others. we all made a choice, as best as we can, with the information we had.
if you want to convince others to your point of view, you got to share what you see, what you think and why. calling them sheeps, stupid, cowards, will only serve to prove their point that the other side are biased without justifications.

my personal opinions as below.
citing sg50 effect, tharman effect, lky effect, opposition blowback, whatever else, that people think stack the odds against the opposition, i personally think that would account for 3-5% of votes. for myself, the change in leadership style over the last few years gave me greater hope for the nation. the municipal issues that wp had was also a point that i felt was key. many people here are conservative when it comes to money. if you can't handle the accounts without being picked apart, rightly or not is yet to be seen, then it doesn't seem to be good enough. comparatively, CST at PP had no such issues over so many years, granted it is a smc. the opposition are having better candidates than ever, which is great for the nation on the whole. i also feel that the old guards of the opposition should start to take the back seat and let the younger generation grow into their own strength and ideals. i'm sure, they know how to engage the younger population better and have their own style of working the ground and working in parliament in time to come. lastly, the opposition should focus on small gains, and proving themselves in the areas that they already won. this time round, they were too ambitious and overstretched.

started a joke..

i am not the man i seem to be.

too many secrets. too many regrets. too many what-ifs.

they say not to live with regrets, but it's too late for that now. so many years passed before i realised, before i actually  saw myself in a mirror. saw myself as the man i was.

so many things undone, unsaid, unable to redo. i am the man i am now.

that the joke was me..

WITNESS!!!!

my new go to movie.

many layers of meaning. explosive action. over the top characterisation. and so much feels.

from max, i see many parts of myself. in pain, from loss, from being lost, from being tired of even surviving sometimes. from being not surprise anymore at the craziness that the world is. from having so many things taken. from fighting when there's no more meaning other than to see another sunrise. from making mistakes and losing what little remains. from help others to stand, then walking away. the redemption we help others achieve, is what ourselves needed.

feriosa, fought to return home. to bring others to safety. to risk it all just to feel safe. across the treacherous lands to find safety and peace.

joe. as twisted as he is, he just wanted a healthy heir. hahaha..

what a show. what a glorious show..!

helpless now. nothing more i can do. breath and live day by day. do the right thing.

disappointment

tipped over the edge.

came home hungry. no food. nevermind. want to cook. all pots used and not wash. angry. want to wash, see cockroach in toilet and kitchen floor again, angry and disappointed.

should have stayed out. should have went to join in the fun. should have just finished my work and get drunk. should have......expected nothing good.

typically unimpressed.
mediocre.

really question why i suffer for a degree now. do i need to prove myself? will it help me in the future? am i too old for this shit? why the fuck are they changing the system every freaking year and increasing the workload for part time students? stop spoon feeding those who can't pass and let those who can do so with less interruptions and shitttZZZZ!!!?!?!?!?!

don't know which is crazier. the world, or me?

doesn't matter. i lose.

life choices

somedays..i don't know myself.

many times, i asked myself, "what do i want?" "who do i want to become?" "what drives me?" "what would i want to be known for?" "if it will come true, what would i wish for for myself?"

and, no, i am not trying to sell insurance to myself.

truth is i really have no idea these days. some time in the past, i thought i knew. i knew what i wanted to achieve and what would make me happy in the long run. i knew what i could suffer for. nowadays, i don't know what i want to get for the suffering or difficulties that i overcome.

it's like a game where the end point is no longer significant, and i wander around in it, doing aimless things. doing all the small things to get by and have no idea what's the main quest.

for some, that is good enough. it is good enough in a game for me too. right now..i really don't know. i don't know what i should be doing.

does everyone feel this way? most of  the time? it feels like i am stuck in this state for so many times, for so long. not sociable in this state. all my attention turn inwards whenever i can afford it.

'just give me a reason..
to keep my heart beating..'

post mortem

it's been quite some time since i was disappointed, angry, sad and at a lost, all at the same time, at myself.

responsibilities nearly doubled in the span of a week. school is starting soon. work is ramping up. back to my old position to manage hairless monkeys. trying to compete. trying to reach a new frontier. all while trying to stay sane at home.

i can't do all that, while being who i want to be. the question is, how much do i want to sacrifice for those things? would i feel it's worth it? am i thinking too much? i think i am thinking too much.

such a disappointment. making all the silly mistakes and over that, do not dare to make the necessary changes to improve. playing it small. angry.

i fail to become a hero of even my own story. maybe i'll end up being the villain.

fleeting

as i begin to think about what i want to type out, it struck me that the last post i had was also about a mourning. there's a saying, that when people get older, they only gather for red or white events, and even then, the red can skip, the white is a must. guess, to some extent, it's true. sad, but true.

as the parents, family, friends, colleagues and the nation mourns, i am reminded about the last time i had a student who passed away suddenly. even to this day, when i think about her, i will tear up. such potential unfulfilled. so young and untimely. so tragic. a loss irreparable. no matter if we were close or not, she was my student and that's enough for me to feel helpless and grieved that it happened.

to have this happen to a group of students and teachers, i scarcely believe it. and desperately wish it was otherwise. i cannot even begin to imagine the pain of the parents, teachers and schoolmates.

at such moments, we should give them space and be ready to give our support to show them that we respect the loss, but we are here for them as well.

in light of this state of mind, i am pissed that people are calling for the teachers, the school, the MOE, the PAP, the government to be responsible.

the earthquake is 'an act of GOD', a natural occurrence that had no warning, in a location that's not likely to have earthquakes. the teachers and students trained for the trip. this was not the first time the school had gone on this trip. all these, points to the fact that the students and teachers were well prepared and somewhat experienced in making this trip.

what else could have been done? short of not going on the trip.

the trip is for students leaders, who had parents permission. who had trained for the trip. were guided by teachers, local guide and guide from Singapore. what more can be done?

nothing more.

in every chance to grow and learn, there are risks. in everything we do or not do, there is risk. to allow our students to learn, to prepare and to overcome difficulties, we are building our nation's future. it must be done. risk must be assessed, planned for, even accepted to some extend and we go forth from there. to learn, to grow, to overcome.

i sincerely hope that the school continue to make this trip available to the students. there is nothing so cowardly and short-sighted as to admit defeat at the first sign of danger. nothing great will ever be accomplished.

it is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.
-Edmund Hillary

crescent moon and five stars

the past week was..difficult. the passing of Mr Lee Kuan Yew made me sadder than i expected. i laid on my bed in a daze when i saw the news on twitter. didn't feel like going to work, didn't feel like doing anything. went to work anyway. it's what he would do, get up and make it a better day.

tried to queue to pay respects at the Parliament House. turned away when the soldier gave an estimated time-line that i couldn't afford that day. also, met some unpleasant situation in the queue that day and didn't want to stay in the queue angry.

on the day that was the final send off, state funeral and all, i was relieved of my duties at my work actually. i woke up and went anyway. lucky i did, there were too much crowd and too little manpower to filter and control. and when it poured, situation got worse, with many seeking shelters for their elderly parents or young children. gave out ponchos and umbrellas, offer sheltered best that i could, in the end even gave up my own umbrella to a family of four, with two young kids with one umbrella between them.

i felt like i didn't do enough, that what i did was duty, only duty. i felt i have not reached into the recess of my being and do what i could. i felt, inadequate.

in the shadows of his passing, i thought about his family, especially hong and hao. knowing them, they will be grieved and yet contain it within themselves to try to help everyone else i the family. they are are strong and close-knit family, they will grow and do greater things in time to come. but at this moment, their grief must be great indeed. to not even have a moment of peace with their yeye. to be in the spotlight from the onset. to share with everyone, sincere or not. even at the end, they were not alone among family. i don't know how they felt, perhaps they are already used to this. perhaps they don't mind and even seek solace and comfort knowing that their grief is shared by many and their yeye is proudly claimed as friend in many high places. thank you, for letting Singapore take so much of him.

i don't know. i wish i could offer whatever i could as a friend and be of more help.

beyond my musings, i have noticed a few points that i would like to type here to remember them better than my memory could.

the volunteers and uniformed forces, SPF, SAF, CD and medical crews, really really admire their efforts. the changing situation and quick deployment must have been a major disruption to many people's plans, but they did it. they worked through the night, stood in the sun and in the pouring rain. forgoing their comforts to provide for others. even the officers went on the ground to support their men and did the same saikang. salute! my fellow Singaporeans.

in the queues to pay our last respects to Mr Lee, there were many things that pissed me off. people taking selfies as if they are going to a concert. if you are to take one or two at scenic locations along the way, fine, you are being an ass, but a tolerable ass. if you keep taking every 10 minutes and have happy smiling face, you are being a fucker. we are going to pay our respects to LKY and you can take your fucking selfies non-stop along the way. knnbccb, go home lock your door throw away the key and burn yourself to death!
another thing was the queue cutting. a group of ITE students just happily went outside the line and went ahead while laughing and saying 'why not why not.' indeed why not, uneducated, unwashed, uncultured chee byes. no wonder the man was afraid of literate but uneducated Singaporeans. seems like we have more illiterate and uneducated people these days. and again, while being told to sit and wait on the Padang holding area, some groups of cocksters just ignored the instructions and walked slowly forward and tried to get into the holding area in front. hello! this is not a game, walking slowing and not making noise doesn't mean you cannot be detected.. shameless.

it is a mournful thing, a respectful thing to go and pay respects to a person. by doing all these cockanaden things, seriously, might as well stay home and masturbate.

and lastly about the media. the extreme media views on both sides. they were expected, some were fair, some were biased, some were childish and some were heartfelt. what i thought was the most malicious were from foreign medias trying to portray LKY as a huge villain, using his interviews, taken out of context, patching them to give a perspective of a man that cheated the nation. there are many things in Singapore that are not as 'free' as the rest of the world, and that in my opinion, is a good thing. we should not disclose the details of our reserves and our holdings. we should not remove laws that prevent politicians from lying about one another. we should not care whether the next PM surname is Lee, Li or Goh. We should not use today's world view to view what was done in the past. last time, mata also wear shorts.

like many who offered fair views, i agree that he did what he thought was best and necessary. he knew the actions were not worth the risk of not doing them, even if they might be wrong or unethical. he did them and faced the consequences, that only he knew in his heart, for what? so that we here have what we have. and what we have is plenty.

my family struggles more than most, i would say, financially and otherwise. we survive and still have a roof, still have meals everyday and goodness! i'm even on the internet and my parents are still watching TV! we can complain, he knew it since the 70s, but through he passing, we also recognised that his vision and leadership built this nation for the better. he took a strong team, pushed them to turn this tiny island into something bigger than it's parts summed up.

turn a page

was looking forward to the new year. hoping that it will signal a much needed change in the direction of my life. most things are in place and moving ahead.
fell sick on 31st dec. same old problem of throat infection, usually occurring when i am too stressed for too long or simply not sleeping enough for some time. this time i guess it was both. am down with it quite bad, am feeling weak and in pain most of the time.
not sure what to make of it. gain some, lose some. gain again. what am i to do? should i stay in my comfort zone or should i try for something that seem beyond my reach now. that's going to take some time to see through.
in the year 2014, i learnt to grow and lend a helping hand even when i do not know how to help, and along the way i have learn much more. it is not easy and it can be frightening, but i guess it all turn out well enough. people come and people go. not all see that you are still you and just wanting to have some time with friends.
the most important change is the change in mindset, it is also the most difficult for most people.
rambling along, not sure what to type out now. in pain and partially hopeful, partially fearful.