deep impact

oceans rise. cities fall. hope survives.

tsunami. something i never thought i'll hear other than in a tale of long ago and far away. the casualties. the devastation. the people who lost their loved ones. lost their homes. lost their dreams.

it is the holiday season and people are suppose to be enjoying time with their loved ones. i am afraid to watch the news too much. i know i will weep and be affected. i am saddened by the lost of lives. the dispair of those who lost their loved ones. families and friends missing or dead. little children orphaned. hopes dashed away in the torrents. dreams shattered. lifes uprooted.

the 'civilised' world leave so much to be angry about. the super powers, spends BILLIONS on weopons and 'stealth satellites' and all kinds of shit and donate some millions to these people who are dead, dying, lost everything. that is at a factor of about 100s. people are worried about how they are going to spend the new year and things they are going to get. analyst immediatly states that the impact on the countries economy is minimal. at this time when more than 55,000, FIFTY FIVE THOUSANDS!!!, are dead and probably MILLIONS are homeless, these people worry about economy. about the rich country exploiting the poor countries' cheap labor and resources.

i wish i could do something. i have no money to give. i have nothing to give. and i cannot leave things here to go. even if i wanted, what can i do? anguished at the uselessness of i. i cannot even take good care of myself..

sedated about life. pretty normal. things getting on track. just..maybe hoping for more? will get more when i let myself i guess. haha..not everything we want..we will get. come what may. who knows what tomorrow brings. i'm sure the people who lost themselves or loved ones did not think this could happen to them. have a friend who was there and luckily unhurt or otherwise affected. close call.

the survivors are the sufferers. blessed are those who passed on, for they are rested. we alive carrys memories of those who passed from this life, carry on hurting and having dreams broken. hope those who are still there gets their life back on track and be able to move on stronger.

not really making sense i think. just hope they get the help they need and are able to rebuild their lives from this disaster.

senseless-ken
so many things are senseless. not only me.

'oh think twice, it's another day for you and me in paradise,
oh think twice, it's just another day for you, you and me in paradise..
oh think twice...
oh lord, is there nothing more anybody can do,
oh lord, there must be something you can say..'-Phil Collins

this boy's life

you don't usually get what you want.

days been rather nice these days. though feels as if something missing, still staying pretty cheerful and doing what i can to improve myself. things can always get better..or worse. it's good that it's not really getting any worse right now. i guess i am still fragile. still afraid. still wanting..

met some great people on boxing day. knew about half of them before this meet..but guess we all mixed pretty well. had fun learning and talking. training and teaching. just being rather comfortable with each other and hanging out. got slight injury from some activities..but will heal..just a new place to get injured..guess i'll have to learn to protect it better..it hurt rather alot and impede my movements.

saw a rainbow today. was shooting and when starting to pack up there was this huge rainbow across the sky. was drizzling abit when we were shooting and got heavier when we were packing. shooting was fine..normal..need to get stronger..get more stamina.

days are not really packed. life is not really meaningful. doing things..but discontentment. is this all to life? working and surviving? wishing and wanting? what's next?

more-ken
anything more for ken?

'far away, long ago,
glowing dim as an ember,
things my heart used to know,
things it yearns to remember...-Deana Carter

finding forrester

a good drama about finding your way in (and back out) of the world.

was a nice show..enjoyed it thoroughly. showed that talent and hardwork may not be enough sometimes. you need someone to help you, to nuture you, to guide you and maybe to stand up for you.

for all that you can, maybe you just don't believe it. and you need someone to believe enough to take you seriously. to bring your best out. to show you what you can do.

had fun today..great dinner..great friends..total indulgance night..haha..well..guess it's great to have people around who just let you be who you are and just chill. also met some of my poly friends..catch up some. near christmas and all..haha..kind of like a movie..

anyways..is happier these day. i think i let alot of things go. still slightly missing somethings..but now more forward looking rather than squatting in the past. it's comfortable to wallow in self-pity. to be self-centered.. sOoo..like now..enough. let's get to do what i want.

tough time at work. new stuff to learn. not fast enough and not confident enough. will do my best everyday i work. disppointing that i cannot really handle it..but will try..

shooting not so good. with added responsibilities at work..and longer hours. by the time i get to shooting am already quite tired..but well..will adjust and try my best too..haha..just do what i can. be who i want to be. do my best and leave it up to whatever.

paradigm shift. all it takes is a shift in perception and midset. s@@ the world through different eyes. s@@ yourself differently. things are factually the same as before, only that now i feel able to handle and go on and cope with it.

shift-ken
who shifted my ken?

'don't you understand, what you thought i wouldn't come again..
leave you hangin' without bringin' you the fun again..
tanglin' with the alien scum again..
mind your manners or the black suits runnin' in..'-Will Smith

something to believe in

thank you, my brother.

what you told me some time ago is now what drives me on. we all need seomthing to believe in to keep us going in tough times. and now i guess i found mine. i believe in creating the future.

the past is gone. i have made many terrible mistakes. i will never forget nor forgive myself. i am sorry for everything. i truely am. but i got to move on. i got to be who i want to be.

after being afraid and depressed for quite sometimes already, now i suddenly feel as if i s@@ clearer.

today went to the range after work and started to get ready to shoot. before that i was quite apprehensive about shooting, having done not as well as i should for the previous shoot and having plentiful of worries on my mind. but once i started plucking the string of my bow, i felt as if a great deal of strss left me.

the weather was fine. not too hot or cold or windy. the range was not crowded neither was it empty. my mind cleared. i focused on what i wanted to do. what i wanted to improve. and worked on it. shooting wasn't great. not much improvement in scores or grouping, but i felt good shooting. felt good doing my best and focusing.

in that few hours i felt in the zone. being in the now. the days without caffine and having enough rest? or was it no music to alter my mood? whatever it was..i stood there and shot. i was intent on every shot. could feel every shot. what went wrong and what to do to fix was clear in my mind.

that is a feeling, no, a mindset i must try to reproduce. to be doing my best, to be focused. to show that the best in me is yet to come. through all the losses. all that i done wrong. all that i never did or did well enough. i want to be better. and so i will. to be better.

all these from a few words of encouragement from my brother. whom i know silently from far away, cares for me. and my sister as well. i love you two. we may be far apart, but we are always together.

finally understanding what they s@@ in me. finally understanding thoroughly what i want from myself. this is the me i want to be. the best is yet to come.

finally-ken
the me i want.

'deep within each heart..
there lies a magic spark..
that lights the fire of our imagination..
and since the dawn of man..
the strenght of just "i can"..
has brought together people of all nations.

there's nothing ordinary..
in the living of each day..
there's a special part..
every one of us will play..

feel the flame forever burn
teaching lessons we must learn
to bring us closer to the power of the dream

as the world gives us its best..
to stand apart from all the rest..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..
your mind will take you far..
the rest is just pure heart..
you'll find your fate is all your own creation..

every boy and girl..
as they come into this world..
they bring the gift of hope and inspiration..

feel the flame forever burn..
teaching lessons we must learn..
to bring us closer to the power of the dream..

the world unites in hope and peace..
we pray that it will always be..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..

there's so much strength in all of us..
every woman child and man..
it's the moment that you think you can't..
you'll discover that you can..

feel the flame forever burn..
teaching lessons we must learn..
to bring us closer to the power of the dream..

the world unites in hope and peace..
we pray that it will always be..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..

feel the flame forever burn..
teaching lessons we must learn..
to bring us closer to the power of the dream..

the world unites in hope and peace..
we pray that it will always be..
it is the power of the dream that brings us here..

the power of the dream..
the faith in things unseen..
the courage to embrace your fear..
no matter where you are..
to reach for your own star..
to realize the power of the dream..'-Celine Dion, 1996 Atlanta Olympics.

die hard

dead.

could have been better. could have been worse. life as it is again. feels hopeless. feels angry at myself. want to be more. want to be all i can.

but life place so much demands. i cannot be myself most of the time, doing what i want or just doing what i can. oft times have to do more. and more and more..

disappointed. could be so much more.

tired. totally out. 96 hours. i slept total less than 16 hours. so close to hallucianting..i can almost feel it.

out-ken
out to find ken.

'like a clown i put on a show..
the pain is real even if nobody knows..
now I'm cryin' inside..
and nobody knows it but me..'-Babyface

il mio nome è nessuno

what does it matter what i think? what i want?

does not matter. there's a job to be done, i do it as best as i can. i am a fool. but i made a promise and i will do my best.

i am so tired. mentally and physically. neither the strength nor spirit to go on.

what i want for christmas? i want to be happy. i want to rest. i want you.

never liked festivals nor birthdays. though i know the significance, just doesn't do it for me. no matter does it?

really feel like freezing up like i did when my world turned up-side down. just want to freak out and shut down and go into depression. i can't. so many things reply on me. so many people, friends.

angry. raging fire. damn mad. a fury that i don't know what it will thurn me into. yet, a coldness. an emptiness that i don't know how to fill. even after sleeping on the floor without blanket and bathing in cold water, i feel colder inside. want to scream. want to cry. want to break down and be comforted.

thank you for being here. thank you for caring. i don't know what to say or do. thank you.

love makes fools of us all.

fool-ken
little big fool? big little fool? big fool.

'and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive.'-Goo Goo Dolls

lost in translation

everybody wants to be found.

everyone wants to be loved and wanted. everyone wants to be heard and understood. we all need somebody sometimes. we all need to be alone sometimes. but alot of things, thoughts, emotions, ideas, gets lost in translation. we are all misunderstood. we are all lost somehow.

i know that even though i am down and sian and tired and pretty confused, i know i am not the only one. plenty of people out there who are in worse state. i hope we all be strong and pull through whatever shit we are going through. it's not easy. it's not simple. but as long as we hang in there, we'll be alright. do our best. whatever shit will be shit. we just be us.

so many things on my mind still. so many things to do still. doing what i can. feel like taking a long break. but i know i cannot. need to catch up on lots of things. tiring. sick of it. but just do my best and hope.

been confused about plenty of stuff. but glad that sometimes i can bring joy to people. that people rely on me and trust me for things. am very glad that i can help out with things. it's like though i lose myself sometimes, someone else finds a part of me and show it to me. i may be skeptical about it, but time and again if i am shown the same thing, i guess i have to believe that i am such. i want to be better, to be well and be able to help people. to make people happy and s@@ them through tough times. to be there for my friends and family and everyone whom i know.

i may not be strong enough sometimes. i hope i can be strong enough for those who trust me to help them. i'll pull through and be better.

stronger-ken
that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

'the hopes we had were much too high,
way out of reach but we have to try..
no need to hide no need to run,
cause all the answers come one by one..
the game will never be over,
because we're keeping the dream alive..'-Freiheit

simple wish

simple wish..is any wish simple?

i really wish for somthing..though i try hard to be the best i am..though i want it..i am afraid. do you understand that kind of feeling?

i really wish i could help..i really wish i am there..i really wish certain things never happened. wishes are just that..wishes. what can anyone do to change the past? what can anyone do to help another?

wishes. hopes. wants. 'i shall not want.' though i want, i do not need. confused person i am.

not much here. too confused to be put into words. some irritation. some anger. some pissedness. quite abit of sadness. quite alot of tiredness. little bit of gladness.

do-ken
do what i do and go on.

'but you can say baby..
baby can I hold you tonight.
maybe if I told you the right words..
at the right time..
you’d be mine..'-Tracy Chapman

catch me if you can

true story of a real fake.

how many of our lives are like this i wonder. still just a kid who needs to get away from something bad, who doesn't know the consequences of things. but in this world that's so real..does it matter why you do certain things? or it's just the results that counts? and usually against you.

perhaps again i am in a pensive mood. more demoralised. more tired. more confused. no more thinking. too tired to even think properly. thoughts keep gettting discontinued by other thoughts. guess i'll have to rest properly.

reading what i typed in the past, i realised what a friend told me was quite true. though yet she don't really know me. then again it's my thought that no one can truely know anyone. so, this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts, my way. post anything in the comment if you wish. thank you.

these days been pretty alright. just tired. work and shoot and plan for the coming competition. shooting got a real boost from 'an' and 'al'..they helped me with my setup and shooting style. now all i need is to get used to it. it's not really different, but they made me realise what to focus on more. really helped..many thanks to them.

other aspects of my life seems non-existance. don't know what, don't know anything. other aspects? do i have other things in my life? i wish. i really wish.

catch-ken
will any one catch, if i fall?

'can’t we give ourselves one more chance,
why can’t we give love that one more chance,
why can’t we give love.
cause love’s such an old fashioned word,
and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night,
and love dares you to change our way of
caring about ourselves..'- Queen

great expectations

let desire be your destiny.

what do you desire? do you know what you want in life?

days like yesterday and today are far and few in my life. after work just do what i felt like doing. went to shoot some yesterday. just wanted to, no stress. then happened to fix some major part of my shooting problem. pretty happy. then met an old friend to have dnner. had a great time eating and chatting. walking around past midnight around marina area. esplanade, marina square, oreintal hotel, pan pacific hotel then suntec. talked about lotsa stuff..walk around..chilling out. so comfortable with her. understanding and thoughtful and her insightfulness is amazing sometimes, but her blurness sometimes is also darn amazing. haha.. just do what we wanted to. such a great friend is certainly hard to find.

today just went for lunch with a good friend and chill out awhile..went home change to go cc. did nothing much..just joked and relaxed. shoot other people's bow and had fun trying to be samuria-y. haha..

hai..though pretty happy, still feel as if something is missing from my life.. a missing piece making me incomplete. no idea what i need. i know my desire, my dreams. working towards it, but..just not happy. not even really contented. no idea what to do. just do what i do and try to be who i want to be..that's all i can do i suppose.

things are more sedated now..more settled down..kind of..hope things start to go better..then i can start learning new things and start saving again and all that..

alot of things in my mind still..but learning how to tune them out. since i cannot really do anything about them. wish. hope. dream.

still tired..still trudging on. still..same..when i think about stuff..i become..broKEN again. don't know what to do about it. don't know why i am like this. don't even know why anymore..

why-ken
don't know why..

'every whisper..of every waking hour..
i'm choosing my confessions..
trying to keep an eye on you..
like a hurt lost and blinded fool..'-REM

grosse fatigue

dead tired.

so many things to do..so little time..so little energy.. so many things i hope to be well..so many people i worry about.. so i should take care of myself more.. knowing me..tough..others always come before me in my life..so dumb.

been tired for so long..taking break from things..still tired..think i need a longer break..but time and work don't allow for it..rest not enough..need to earn money..need to train..time all gone..

always thought about thirty hours wil be just nice.. sleep two periods of five hours..then got two period of ten hours to do things..eat four meals..muahah..

so anyway..taking a short break..taking things as easy as i can..trying to chill out..but can feel as if more things coming my way and will get more hectic..oh well..overcometh.!

dream on. dare to fulfill dreams of mine. now alot of my fight will be with myself..my mind..must learn to let myself go.

against-ken
nope..go with it..flow..

'how does it feel (how does it feel)
how does it feel
how does it feel
when you’re alone
and you’re cold inside..'-Micheal Jackson

long day's journey into night

journey without purpose..other than the journey itself.

took a walk around places. just walked around and go where i felt like going. no music in my ears. nothing holding me back or calling me home. walk around..listening to the sounds and looking at the sights.

went esplanade, stopped half way to s@@ people doing break-dancing and sitting around doing nothing..some people studying..some people just hanging around. probably contemplating some life changing stuff..then again..maybe not.

walked to the second-world war memorial for the civilians who suffered under the japanese occupation. as i got close to it, i felt a tinge of sadness. the looming pillars and the urn in the center. the slight drizzle and the surrounding buildings. there were some tourist taking pictures. i wonder if they felt the sadness i felt, the meaning of the monument.

then went to esplanade itself. wanted to go up to the roof terrence. but cause of the rain no one is allowed there. walked around esplanade. the library makes me want to go there to chill out, to read a book, to learn new things. time doesn't allow me now. but i will start learning things and reading soon..when things are more settled. so many interesting things there. people, displays, music, stores..but there is only so many times you can walk around an area so small and still stay interested in everything. 'the only limitation is that of vision.'-(i forgot who, will fill in when i s@@ again.)

then went to suntec to take a bus home. so many people went to the motor show and came out with their big bags. and most of them look too young to even be legal age to drive. trip home was uneventful.

reached home, went online, chatted for awhile then cartel called to ask me to help fix computer. went to help. spent hours fixing and updating and setting it so it should have less problemos.. chatted with the main manager and the operation manager, they are quite fun people i guess, but f&b people always have a few faces. anyway, not my problem. i do my job, try to help. things get ugly, leave. not as if got high pay or anything holding me back. they treated me to pizzahut for fixing the stuff. pretty good. had fun there. one waitress, probably new, got traumatized by us the three experienced f&b personells. kept asking her for things and she don't know what to do. oh well. probably why i have accidente.

when i was cycling home, forgot about a chain in between poles at a junction..cycled straight into it. at about 50km/h. flew and got cuts and bruised. damn pain. cannot walk for long minutes. and as expected from singaporean. no one came forward to s@@ if i needed help. just walking past and staring. oh well..slowly sat down to check myself for more injuries. slowly got up to walk again. slowly sat down again as i felt dizzy. slowly sat up and walked again. slowly cycled back home. no one noticed i was hurt at home.

there's my day. my first day of slacking in a few weeks.

not really feeling better. no idea about alot of stuff still. but i know things will get better. all i have to do is keep trying. keeping the faith i have in myself, in what i am doing. sis called yesternight. bro smsed her telling her to talk to me cause i seem to have problems. still, after so many years, my 'family' knows me best. they know the problems i face without asking. they know what i need and why. they know me better than myself. thing is nothing i can do about the problems i face. the ball is not on my court, unless i stop caring altogether. even though sometimes i wish i can, i know i cannot. i care too much for my own good. really? i don't know man. i'll just be myself and hope for the best.

SAFSA competition on saturday. did alright. had fun. but was totally drained. mentally and emotionally. so many things i drag along. don't know how to let go. but after the past two days, letting things out, letting me break down, things seem better, if just abit distant. will be alright again soon. i know me. will fall but don't stay down for long.

so there's my life these few days. still the same, yet slightly different. oh well. come what may, i'll be me still. i still care. i still will do what i do.

still-ken
same ken. again.

'all day staring at the ceiling,
making friends with shadows on my wall.
all night hearing voices telling me,
that I should get some sleep,
because tomorrow might be good or something..'-Matchbox Twenty

seul contre tous

i stand alone.

in the end..we are all alone. through all these call life..we face death alone. who can acompany you? no one.

what do you care? if you are not staying, then just leave me alone. i am just a dumbass. boys are idiots, man are jerks. i am pretty much the biggest idiot. don't care. i don't want to care anymore. caring for others is killing me.

gone away to hell. it's a state of mind. and i am going there.

hell-ken
hell is not enough.

'you don't waste no time at all..
don't hear the bell but you answer the call.
it comes to you as to us all..
we're just waiting..
for the hammer to fall.
oh every night, and every day..
a little piece of you is falling away..
but lift your face, the western way..
build your muscles as your body decays.'-Queen

primal fear

deep, dark fear..

what do you fear the most? lack of attention? attention from the wrong kind of person? doing badly? living a life of unfulfilled dreams? fear..it grips us in it's chilling grip and drains our strength. makes us tremble at nothing but our own imagination. how many of us actually have no fear?

fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. and hate leads to suffering.

when we are angry most of the time it's due to fear. fear that someone cheated us. fear that we are not good enough. our fear makes us aggressive. this aggressiveness cause us to be angry at others or ourselves. and when we are angry we do stupid things. like throw phones. like bash things. like say mean things we don't mean to say. and that leads eventually to suffering.

no idea what this post is about. was angry which led me to think why was i angry. angry that others don't appreciate the things i did, i do. that my efforts was wasted. but that's out of my control already, something that i cannot change or control. no point being angry. so now i am no longer angry. just disappointed and tired.

things that comes easy are not treasured. only when they are gotten at a price and was fought for do people realise the worth of things. then again worth of things are matter of perspectives. oh well..

life is short. realisation when i first heard my good friend in secondary school past away few years back. seems like yesterday when we were out cycling and working and generally having fun. in this short span, at my age, i already know of a few school mates and friends who have passed on..and my cousin passed on just 2 weeks ago..cancer. he was 4?5? i don't even know him well..i really wanted to s@@ him next year when i go visit..wished i did this year..somehow it's disturbing. somehow it's comforting. i am not psychotic..yet..i know he is released from this torment called life.

the helplessness of efforts in life when measured against death. silient lord. takes us home.

the smallness of humans and our wars and money and computers and nuclear shit. 'advances' to kill ourselves faster.

every moment we live, we are dying. comtemplate that. are you living?

moments of joy and happiness. when our goals are acheived. when folks around us are happy and joyous. when our loved ones are well. that's what''s worth living for. what does your life meant to you? what do you live your life for? the small joy everyday that your family is well? the little things that makes our lives as it is. every up and down makes our life full. only when we do fall are we truely able to understand the joy of being lifted.

even the pause in a piece of music completes it. how do you live your life?

weird post again. guess i am in quite a somber mood. shot well today. best in months. good form, just abit weak. will train up and should be good. but moody. feel tired. tired of doing things for others. wondering why don't i love myself more. why don't i take care of myself more. know that i find myself unworthy. unworthy of blessings. unworthy of attention. yet i crave for it. how ironic. how damning.

fighting myself again. still learning to appreciate myself. trying to be at ease with who i am.

so many things not in my control. though i try..i can only guess at the results of my efforts. i wish..i hope..i will still go on..

our fight may be tough. but it's for our dreams. it's easy to love to win. but how many can love the battle..the fight..the challenge..the times when you fell and stood again..are you ready to be a champion? your own champion in your own life. you decide.

champion-ken
my life. me.

'lord knows, dreams are hard to follow..
but don't let anyone tear them away.
hold on, there will be tomorrow..
in time..you'll find the way.'-Mariah Carey

me, myself and i

the lightning bolt

verbally and mentally fluid, the lightning bolt is refreshing and illuminating to those around it. this is occasionally somewhat discounted by the obvious pleasure that these personalities take in exercising their mental acuity. although generally peaceful they can often take a verbally aggressive tact in relations with the world, which can often be misunderstood by those around them. to the lightning bolt this abstract contact is viewed as mere play; they rarely understand the attitude of those around them who can be offended or hurt by wild flights of verbal fancy or playfully intended barbs.

innovative in the extreme, the lightning bolt personalities can often think themselves right out of the correct answer to a given problem. many times they are referred to as their own worst enemies.

some personality test thing. interesting wouldn't you say?

anyhow..life is sedated..starting to recover from the sickness..still weak and moody. but getting better. will do what i need to do and do my best. looking on the bright side? nar..just trudging on.

excellence in everything. that is a life worth living.

worth-ken
worth it? definately.

'life is a road..and i want to keep going,
love is a river..i wanna keep flowing,
life is a road..now and forever,
wonderful journey..'-Donna Lewis and Richard Marx

*it's quite scary. how a little thing, like the name of a game we used to play together, can make me want to break down again.*

*random toughts*

i'm unwell. and crazy. sOo..?

queen sums it up nicely..'the show must go on..'

take a walk to padington square. look for padington bear in his raincoat and boots.

all that i tried, all that i done..amounts to nothing..? why..?

the chill grips my being again. i know the feeling. it's fear.

world's apart.

the Rach 3 is still strangely comforting.

dug a hole..dropped in..to dig further.

the colors of the world stopped being attractive. the music of souls refuses to sing. life is dreary..

i always fall sick at this time of the year.

this winter is the coldest i had..i think..

pachabel's cannon sounds so mocking now.

ignorance is bliss..? it's far more dangerous than you know..(slight intended)
--
what am i to do with myself?

too tense my boy..breath and relax..

if i could..i still wouldn't..hehe..

what drives me..?

hmm..now that i am here typing..there are not much thoughts..when i am just sitting not intending to type..plenty of thoughts..how irritating..

down and almost out..haiz..

no mood..no motivation..no idea..

being free and chilling is not healthy for me..i get moody..

miss old times..when things were simpler..now i cannot even decide what to do when i am free..no longer sure..in a way it's good..cause i seldom spend time just playing games and wasting time away..but it also create alot of problems as now i have things that i want to do..but unable to..

angry..i am angry deep inside..well hidden..haha..not so well hidden now that i typed it out..angry about myself..not being better..not being more..but what can i do?

so many things are wrong..yet nothing i can do about it. why we live life in face of so much wrongs?

as crazy as before..usual..just that now i feel it's healthier to let it out here..than let it cooped up inside me then finally explode and make people hurt..or worried..

much things to do..too little energy..too little time..sleep less get more time..but less energy. sleep more get more engery but less time..hehe..balance..

knowledge and skills..but not needed in this kind of life..hmmhmm..ironic..

bah..so many things i want to say..but..feel it's not right..and i really don't want to cause more than i already did..

as i lay myseplf to sleep..
i pray the lord my soul to keep..
if i die before i wake..
i pray the lord my soul to take..
lyrics from metallica's enter the sandman

i like prayers..the way they sound..but i don't ever pray..though sometimes..feel like doing so..but am still determined to live my life without aid of any kind from other beings..haha..sounds weird even as i think of the words to put them out..anyway..it's how i chose to live my life..

The LORD [is] my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

as i live my life as surely i know to be as good i can..though i have made much mistakes and some wrongs can never be redeemed or righted..i am sorry..

i shall not want..

to be able to rest comfortingly for a day would be blessing enough for me..seems forever since i had a good rest..

kind of like whining about my life and all..shall stop here..and try to rest..

hope all my friends near and far are all alright. as i been through deep dark halls, i know the need for a friend is great when the hour is late. don't hesitate to ask for a friend in me. i will be.

cast away

the worst thing about being lost, is missing the ones you love.

being sick, is sick. down and weak. unmotivated to do anything. even shooting seems sian. cannot do it properly. cannot execute properly. mentally pushing to do all i can. still..spirit is willing but the body is weak.

after another night of rest should be about 90% well..i hope. anyway will have to continue with training. next competition coming right up. and have not been doing any long distance at all. just shoot and s@@ how lar.

sOo..trapped. no idea what i can do. if i know, i would..or would i? hmm..well..that's a pointless question now, cause i don't think i can do anything. sOo..wait and s@@.

no mood for much things now. my mind is as messed up as my room. alot of things go in, then left there. never properly handle and taken care of. my mind..well..like lots of stuff i don't know what to do about and so are left there. and they will distract me from time to time. oh well..take time to settle them i guess.

another confused and confounded post. haha.. wish i may, wish i might, wish upon a star tonight..if my eyesight allows me to s@@ a star in singapore skies..hanging on. through everything..

dizzy-ken
ken is spinning around..lost his way.

'so never mind the darkness,
we still can find a way..
'cause nothin' lasts forever,
even cold november rain..'-Guns and Roses

burn

burning in so many ways.

fever at about 37.8 celsius. pretty sian. body hyper-sensitive and brain is like having a knife inside. the pain is killing me. mentally still fighting and burning. sub-consciously figuring out what's next.

planning stuff with some friends. pretty funny people. lots of fun and lots to learn.

nothing much to blog now. too many things on hold. patience is a virtue and i intend to cultivate it.

so much i wish for have turned sour. i can only wish for better tomorrows. i am me and this is the way i am. for all.

tomorrow-ken
ken now. ken tomorrow.

'something’s wrong,
shut the light.
heavy thoughts tonight,
and they aren’t of snow white..'-Metallica

phantom pain

pain is all in the head.

seriously, i think i am sick cause of mental stress again. too many things on my mind, that i cannot handle. and so my body screws up. damn i am so weak. slight cough, slight fever, weak body, flu-y, hyper-sensitive eveything, migraine and totally no appetite. life sucks so bad now..

why am i so stressed about things? hai..weak mind. things wil happen the way they will happen and i will be affected as will others and life will go on. stress is unnecessary. stress is ridiculus. haha. do my best and that's all. keep is simple. i will.

sorry if i cause concern again. just damn stressed up and all. thank you for your concern and all. i know i have many people who care. hmm..maybe not many, but..really..thank you all.

i miss you alot. i love you. my idea of love is weird, i know. it don't mean what many others mean with it. i am sorry about so many things. i wish i could do more. though i know i shouldn't. i love you. i miss you. and i..oh well..wussy ken.

up's and down's. i will be ok..again..eventually. take care everyone. worry about me not. we all need someone sometimes, just as we need to be alone sometimes. just that these times tend to get mixed up.

in fact my life is doing slightly better now. things are getting slightly better and i know my efforts are slowly showing. things getting easier at home side, i hope. shooting..alright..getting it..i feel. friends and all are not too good..but hope things get better for everyone. i am sorry if i am busy and cannot help more. but i am only a call away. i know how it feels to need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate.

stressed. tired. sick. out of control. sOo..go with the flow. relax. be calm. do what you can.

burning-ken
literally.

'tap on my window knock on my door.
i want to make you feel beautiful..'-Maroon 5

laugh, clown, laugh

clown stories are often sad ones..

sometimes..the jokers are the joke itself. those laughing are crying inside. those who help others need help the most. the strongest are the ones who are almost gone. sometimes..

learn all you can..then forget it. just use it. but don't think about it.

i really don't know what to blog here..damn alot of emotions now. about everything. confused. seriously i am confused. what the heck am i to do? who am i? ken? damn it. i don't know.

i seriously wish i am dead. feel as if i done all i can. no more to give. burn for others. made them believe their dreams. gave them the will to fight. taught them all i could. damn..let me rest..

what more am i suppose to do? i don't want to hurt anymore..hurt others as well as myself..

i will take care and cheirsh and make well all i can..then let it go. cause i am afraid. afraid to hurt. afraid that i will cause hurt.

feel that this world have no more place for me. and i also wish not a place. do i? i dont know. sorry.

this is why i hate..FUCKING HATE my birthday. makes me think about my life. myself. my worth. who am i? what am i? can i be better? had fun. thanks to all my friends. but at the end of it..i really don't know.

crawl to a dark corner and cry little boy..you are alone..you are powerless..for all you know and all you can do..you are nothing..

i don't believe in god. as in the ultimate being, no. in higher beings, different beings, yes.

why the hell did i type that..?

cause i wish someone, something can help me. can know me where i don't know myself at all. can let me cry and breakdown in a gentle embrace. to hold me when i fall..i feel like i am falling. bottom is coming right up.

year end. birthday. holiday season. new year. meaningless.

hate me. please. hate me enough to kill me.

dark patch of life again. nothing unusual i suppose..damn..tough times..difficult stuff..no way out..endure and persist..

i'll be ok..don't worry..i'll always be ok..cause i don't die.

why-ken
why is there a ken like this?

'misery likes company, i like the way that sounds..
i've been trying to find the meaning, so i can write it down..
staring out the window, it's such a long way down..
i'd like to jump, but i'm afraid to hit the ground..'-Bon Jovi

moulin rougue!

believe in truth, beauty, freedom, and above all things, love.

somethings are tough to believe in. even if you did, you lose faith in the things that don't seem to get you anything but pain. but..what pain may come, i still believe. and know that in the end, it matters to me.

so many thoughts in my mind now..so many people i care about..so little i can do..

no matter how many people helped you, it takes yourself to help yourself. after all that happen to anyone, the person takes it how the person wants to take it. so glad things turn out fine for some, yet quite sad how it turns out for others. but i am only me, they have to face their own demons..

i don't think i can ever forgive myself.

life will go on. somethings will just never be forgotten. i am sorry.

was happy cooking. making sure the food is good. it's a pleasure for me..though at the end of it..something's missing. still wishing..still hoping..yet preparing for the pain that may come. no idea what to do. no idea what at all.

so different. so much happened in a span of..six..months..? seven? things will never be the same..and i miss it..when happiness was a daily thing..instead of fleeting moments.

the post is horridly dis-jointed. so many things to say yet no words..so much emotions..yet no way of expressing..

is-ken
ken is just ken.

'i bet you counted all the tears..
i bet you've cried..
i bet you swore you'd never let love back inside..
'cause it hurt you way too bad to say good-bye..'-Bon Jovi

mighty mouse

here i come to save the day..!!

mighty mouse is on his way. hah. remember this from man on the moon. pretty nice show it was..thought that jim carey potrayed andy kofman very well..think the name is spelled wrongly. sorry.

oh..i am not here to save the day or anything. i cannot even save myself for the most part.

shooting today was bad..again. DC told me, 'cannot get worse, so just keep shooting.' haha..guess it true..though damn sian and pissed, i'll keep at it. i will isten to my coach and do whatever it takes. i feel nothing wrong with my shooting form. just that it is not in me. not a flowing action. got to ingrain it in me, then i should do better. SHOULD. and i'll try anyway. not giving up cause of some bad times.

other then that, my life still the same. money, still quite pressed for it. work, fine. family, same. sOo..that's my life now. pretty sedated, yet a burning desire to excel. feeling great, though will get down once in awhile. no problems. plenty of friends around to chill with and help each other through.

been thinking, life still quite a challenge. and well, i'll just hang on and look on the bright side as much as i can. though still prepare for bad stuff. kind of mentally prepare for my life. to do what i can to do what i want.

'chance favours the prepared mind.'-Louis Pastuer

prepare-ken
preparing for what may come.

'the colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky.
are also on the faces of people going by.
i see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "how do you do?"
they're really saying "i love you".-Louis Armstrong

equilibrium

haha..bet this is going to draw some laughter from some folks who knows me..

cool show, to me at least. weird concept, possible but not probable. like most near-future sci-fi i guess.. i really loved the action in the show. kinda impossible, but really kick-ass stuff!

a huge change from my previous post. i know we all have down and up days. it's just that i don't really talk to anyone about my problems. sometimes it gets really hard to bear. so many things in my life out of control. trying real hard to get it together in equilibrium. to get things going so that i need to worry less. not so easy and so far been not too good. still, got to get at it.

shooting today was alright i guess..no idea really. just shoot and try my best. since it's at indoor, can't really tell if it was fine enough. guess not, but don't want to think about it. just feel myself doing what i should be doing then go. do my best. don't get too stressed. yeah..when i get too stressed up, i get moody and things all go to hell. stay away from that..=)

anyway..just sorry to my friends and all who were like maybe worried. i am alright. just an outburst of emotions. things get so hard sometimes. but i'll be ok. thank you all for the support and being here.

being in equilibrium. things working together creating minimum amount of stress and maximise work done. but change will always come in, got to be the eye of the storm and remain unmoving? nope..got to go with the flow..be flexible and do what's best to the best of your knowledge. that's me thinking.

move-ken
ken..get a move on!!

'if the sky that we look upon,
should tumble and fall..
and the mountain,
should crumble to the sea..
i won't cry, i won't cry..
no, i won't shed a tear,
just as long as you stand..
stand by me..'-Ben E, King

highlander

don't lose your head.

nice show it was..nice concept and all, i thought. cool effects too. keep your head even when everything is at stake. that i must do.

today shooting was bad..consistantly bad..no idea what went wrong. started great during sighter. then all downhill from there. left right up down. all over. no idea what's wrong. relax. tried. really did i all could. fixed some problems. no longer hitting arm. fixed head position. fixed anchoring. still all over. really wanted to give it up. why am i training thirty hours a week?!? why can't i get it? i've done all i was told. train strength, endurance, run, shoot, form work, mental work..what else!?!?comon! tell me?!?!

scores been going down hill..it's really tough to keep up. i am doing it. i am trying my best. i know i can. i will!! but why it isn't showing? what more must i do? damn fucking noobturd!!

wanted to cry..to lay down and cry. tell the world i had enough. i am a loser..

but no. i'll keep at it. i'll get there. AERRGH.!!!!! I'LL FUCKING GET THERE!!! whatever i must do. stand in my way? i'll rip your throat out. no matter how tough it gets, i'll be stronger! damn it!

i am given a chance at this. one life. i'll live my dream. it hurts, but i'll pull through. damn it..

damn it..

i am crying..weeping. i would scream if not for people around. i would tear at things if i did not learnt it the hard way.

i'll burn for my dream. i'll fight for it and die for it. a setback is just another way of learning.but damn it hurts. so damn much. when you done all you know to do and tried all you can and it's still not good enough. not the first time, and it won't be the last. everytime i get back up, i'll be stronger. i will!

i'll always remember, 'you lose only when you give up.' i hear you, now see me fight for it! i won't give up! i'll make my dream come true! damn it's tough..but damn me if i give up!!

it's not a dream. it's a goal. cause it will be fulfilled.

edgey-ken
so close to the edge. he was almost gone.

'when the storm rises up, when the shadows descend..
every beat of my heart, every day without end..
i will stand like a rock, i will bend till i break..
till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes.
i will risk everything, i will fight, i will bleed..
i will lay down my life, if that's what you need..
every second i live, that's the promise i make..
baby, that's what i'll give, if that's what it takes.'-Celine Dion

half empty, half full

perception.

not much to blog about these days. maybe too tired. maybe just too boring. every weekday work morning. then shoot or gym. then night eat with archers or friends then home. email, news, forums and an hour of game. repeat the next day. saturday, national youth training, then TP training. sunday, whole day training.

training, fine. improving. drop some and improve again. ups and down. form better. body stronger. mind more focused. like the training now. quite tough. quite some new things. can s@@ the results. can s@@ myself going somewhere. can feel myself being better.

work is fine too. open store. serve customers. top up counter. go off. don't talk much to colleagues. not really interested to as well. they seem pretty nice and fun people to work with. i guess in time i'll get more acquainted with them. some of them TP students. haha. they shocked i so old and coaching at TP. anyway, work is not too bad.

just took charge of national youth as manager. people think i mad to take over a post to get shot. to me, i don't care. i love the sport. i can s@@ others who love it but get nowhere. i want to help. that's why in the first place i coach. i can work with clint. and i can work with tang. i'll try my best to provide for the young ones. it would be a pity if their dreams are shattered or have no path to fulfillment. i'll do my best to let them grow and dream.

---WARNING!!! COMPLAINS ABOUND!!!---
the people who always shoot people are those who will complain about everything and not do anything. ask them 'don't like it, you try to do lar' then they will keep quiet. please! go to hell please! if you don't like and have no idea how to make better or don't want to make better, then shut your hole. people are trying to do things here. not happy, tell and let people know, then at least if the people don't change or do better, you have a valid reason to screw them. if you don't even want to talk to those in-charge, what's the point of complaining behind their backs? fanning the fire. f**king as**oles. it's tough enough to run things without people spouting nonsensical rumors. there we have people giving all kinds of rumors from no idea where. and when told to help out or even tell the person who is in-charge, they like can die. what's your problem? no truth to back up your complains? probably. makes me pissed off. simply tell and work things out, little kids. keep complaining. and themselves have no idea what they want. OMFG. and by the way, i DID tell them straight in the face 'why don't you help out?' and 'tell me also no use, go tell them lar'. they replied 'tell them also no use. help for what?'..OHH..NOW SINGAPORE ARCHERS GOT SOME CAN TELL THE FUTURE!! they want the people to answer to them what is happening. go ask cannot..must be fed..so singaporean. so disappointing.

so that's my life. some good..some bad.. half full and half empty. some parts of me is sated, while other parts are starving. life is such isn't it? we don't get all we want. so many if only and why didn't i..oh well..i'll survive and burn for my only surviving dream. guess i'll have other dreams to pursue. just waiting for me to put them in mind as dreams. something to fight for. to burn for and to die for. am still scared, still scarred, i guess. and unsure of myself. will find myself and know myself better before i decide anything.

until a new dawn, i'll be vigilent against the darkness that threatens to drown me. the darkness in me..

watch-ken
watch ken, watch ken.

'everybody's got something they had to leave behind,
one regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time..
there's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering),
how it could be now or neither been (or neither been)..'-S Club 7

a.i.

the greatest single human gift - the ability the chase down our dreams.

what happens when you have dreams that are broken? that can no longer be fulfilled? so many hopes and wishes end in tears and agony. why do we even dream? for dreams, for hope of better tomorrows.. to risk being hurt for a chance of something better.. hang on until chance fades to nothing..to try until all hope vanished.. we fight for our dreams..

feeling down today. being alone makes me down. makes me feel the emptiness that surrounds me. how lost i am in so many aspects of my life. trudging on cause i have to. trudging to where? for what? hope..dream of a better tomorrow..

lost a dear friend on 9th Oct 2004. he was a good teacher, a nice man to work with and a great friend. always had nice words and good advise. never failing to put things into perspective. rest in peace dear gentleman.

doing fine these days. work and shoot. still getting used to the longer hours at work. hope things stablelize financially. then can free my mind to more creative stuff. want to start learning a skill again. been stagnant for quite sometime.. probably try to drive..then drums..depends on time and money..

sorry for the disjointed post. not really coherent, even at work wasn't really talking. missing my old life some. not as much as i used to, but still more than i like it. transition period i guess..still getting used to being me. i love my life now.=) able to be who i want to be. be with who i want to be with. hang out with friends. shoot when i can make it. being me. just need to get used to it i suppose..

plenty to be happy about..plenty to be sad about as well..but life goes on. i'll look ahead like i tell people to. more things coming up. learning more about myself too..s@@ing the mistakes i made and knowing what i did wrongly. learning to be more controlled..more disciplined. less angry and less crazEE.

to better myself. for we humans are gifted with ability to think, to dream. to control our actions and not let it be guided by instinct. to be refined. to be polished. as a person, to be as perfect in my mind's eye as i can.

cogito-Ken
think ahead. dream ahead.

'in this world we're just beginning..
to understand the miracle of living.
baby i was afraid before..
but i'm not afraid anymore.'-Berlinda Carlisle

time after time

again and again. over and over.

there are things that we keep thinking about. in my head now, there are quite a few things that are always on my mind. the most important is my family. got to keep trying to make things better. i have been a liability for quite long enough. though i try..it seems not enough. it's like a leaky boat. the more things it have the faster it leaks..but..what to do..? we are family. if only they s@@ it that way.

shooting been weird. feels better. but scores worse..haha.. a big f**king joke. i know my form and posture is improving. have to be patient and let things settle in. still got parts that i want to improve. a never ending quest for unattainable perfection. damn! i'm crAzEE.!?!

watched motorcycle diaries the other day. got to say that it's a really nice show. not the kind of show that's for anyone though. it bring you on a journey. a journey, a story which have no heroes. only life. the way things are shown, is very..stark..very..in your face..like 'look at this! how can we let this go on!' it's abit of a sad story, but also rather inspiring. makes me want to go out and s@@ the world. s@@ what it can teach me. chinese saying 'read a thousand books not as good as walk a thosand miles.' maybe all of us could take a walk. instead of taking buses and trains and cars and all..we could walk and s@@ our world..our people. idealistic. dreamy. me.

life's a pendulum for me. good and bad. back and forth. time after time. kind of stable. kind of not. hah. hope all is well for all my friends having exams and tough times. if i could help in anyway, i would. but..i am only ken. cannot even help myself enough. cannot even..hai..nevermind..tell me if i can make things better. i will. my best will be done.

been sad, actually. no idea why. just generally.

met my 'brother' and 'sister' the other night. talked and catch up. nice s@@ing them after ages. my bro still the same. stable. moving forward in a stately pace. unwavering. my sister, feels she grew up abit. more perceptive. more aware. feeling the restriction of life. feeling the enclosure of society. they say, i changed alot. more disciplined. more determined. more strong. they don't know what i went through internally. but to them, they know i hurt and s@@ing me become better from it, is enough. they know i can. i know i can. they seen me break down and became lost. i won't let them worry again. even though they don't hang around, they know. they are my brother and sister. further and yet closer than my blood family.

trying to be better. to do better. to shoot better. to do everything better. excellence in all that i do. i will try. i will do. if anything, really ask. i will help. thank you once again. my friends, my family.

becoming-ken
becoming better? becoming ken.

'i have spoke with the tongue of angels..
i have held the hand of a devil..
it was warm in the night..
i was cold as a stone..
but I still haven't found..
what I'm looking for..'-U2

the day after tomorrow

catastrophe, due to unchecked global warming.

we are one step further from that. russia cabinet just passed a vote to put the kyoto protocol to the parliment to pass it.(which news agencies says it probably will be passed)

kyoto protocol, first agreed in japan in 1997, sets targets for 34 industrialised countries to contain and reduce their emissions of greenhouse gases from 2008. it requires them to keep emissions of six greenhouse gases below 1990 levels during a compliance period of 2008-2012. the eu has to reduce emissions by 8 %, while russia has only to keep them from rising above 1990 levels. russia's emissions are currently more than 25 % below 1990 levels.

russia’s decision is vital because without its ratification the protocol is doomed. complex(weird) rules stipulate that it comes into force only when developed countries responsible for 55 per cent of the global emissions caused by industrialised nations ratify the protocol. major polluters – the us, australia and russia – have held out. the (f**ked up) us, though responsible for 36 % of the emissions by industrialised countries with targets, has remained implacably opposed. if russia, which emits 17 % of the greenhouse gases vented by developed nations, joins, it would break the threshold needed to start the kyoto plan.

and that puts us abit further from the horrible possibilities of the above-mentioned show. and the above protocol outline is taken from www.newscientist.com, and edited slightly.

i have no idea if those means anything to any of you. but it really makes me glad. we all know what's causing the earth to heat up. and we are not doing anything responsible.(no wonder aliens wants to kill us all the time=>)cars, air-cons and smoking are things that we don't really need that are killing us.

we can all take public transport, granted if it was more timely and all.

air-cons actually kills us faster two ways. it need to draw heat away from one side(inside) to let it out the other side(outside). so as the outside gets hotter than the inside, we feel the difference more and use more aircon more times stronger. the cycle not only make our planet warmer, it also makes our body go through more temperature changes and thus weaken our respirtory system, making us more prone to fall sick. we need to break the cycle.

smoking. that's the really in your face thing. it kills you. you know it. it kills the people around you. you know it. it cost you money. you know it. is there any real reason to smoke? stressed? smoking cause you to be less healthy, makes you use more money for stupid things and kills the people around you. does that make you less stress? go f**k yourselves, smokers.

hmm..anyway. really glad that some nations agree that we must at least try to slow down global warming and stuff. we have to try. it's our only planet and we abuse it like mad. and what about all the cute animals and the not so cute ones too. it's not only for us.

sounding really preachy there. but i really love the planet and all it's amazing stuff it have.(humans the least of it)

my life been real normal these days. still abit sad from stuff. still trying to get better. still trying to help people. still trying. even though it hurts much sometimes, i'll go on. not because i cannot stop. it's because i want to. i know what i want to do for most parts of my life. thank you all for helping me when i am down. when i am lost, thank you for helping me walk on. let me help you if you need. i'll be there.

together we can s@@ this through. for our dreams. for dreams of better tomorrows!

tomorrow-ken
now i s@@ a better tomorrow.

'somewhere over the rainbow,
skies are blue..
and the dreams that you dare to dream,
really do come true..'-Dorothy

a simple plan

most things start out as such.

all you need was (a + b + some c) then you'll get what you wanted in life and could die a happy person. but along the way some things go wrong. other things catch your attention. some one tell you you are not right. then everything seems to crumble so easily you wonder if you can make it through.

nice day today. cool weather. nice wind. shot nicely. alone and feeling great. then felt..lonely. something is missing from my life. i tried to ignore it. the more i try, the more i miss it. man, is so weak. is there nothing i can do? there are always extreme things i can do..but that would be very irresponsible of me. life is not like a movie where the actors and actresses can do god-damned weird things and not suffer real consequences. so..nothing really i can do.

strange feeling after that. feel like breaking down and cry. cry like a little boy who lost his way home. yet another part of me wants to scream. to roar. to..make known my pain and make heard the loneliness felt. but i can't.

mid-autumn festival. mooncakes and lanterns. artistic and joyous. meaningless this year. sent mooncakes to someone i know who would be lonely. so far away. hope all is fine. hope all is well.

though i wish i couldn't. or can i? just that i don't want to? to let go is tough. the toughest thing i am trying so far. to stop being wistful. to stop hoping. i am trying. even though it's breaking me apart.

tears in silence.

alone-ken
are we not all alone?

'drowning past regrets..in tea and cigarettes..
but I can't seem to forget..when you came along..
ingenue, ingenue, i just don't know what to do..'-Formica Blues

ran

an english translation for a japanese show. chaos. luan(4).

many time our lives seems chaotic. out of control. no idea what is going on. things change and change. moving moving. so fast, before you can stop to think about it, it changes again. the fast ones catch up and the slower ones catching up.

as a person, when you change too much, people say you fickle minded. when you change too slow, people say you not up to date. middle ground? yourself.

recently things been moving rather fast in my life. books. games. friends. computer. shooting form. scores. much too fast for my taste. i rather a slow, delibrate, delicate execution of things.

been reading some books. some i bought, some my brother's, some my friends bought for me. all done. and coming out plenty more that i am interested in. is this because christmas is near and more books are coming out? there are at least nine books that i want now. and even if i get them i'll spend the next few months going through them once. in that span more will come out. and i rather read books at least three times. to get it in my thick stubborn skull the ideas presented and the things i can learn form it. and so..strangely there seems to be more books coming out? or i have more interest in more things? or i read too slowly?

games. haha. the other day just bought two games which i play alot. then just now went to take a walk and saw the games selling at the SAME price but with ALL the expansions. (insert favored explicit)

learnt more about some of my friends. friends, from aquaintance to friends. some friends left. some friends no longer hang out. some hang out less due to other stuff. some of my old friends, we don't even meet up anymore. been 2 years..and counting. our lives are too much and too fast for us to even make sometime for one another. mayhaps we are not as important as we thought we were.

my computer have problems. always. strangely. it's the same. exactly the same as my brother's. i built it, i know. my always got things spoiling. and i need to spend money replacing the components. just last week. the motherboard went out, i went to buy one with integrated things. to cut cost and save time. found out my graphic card damages as well. fine i have spare. simply replace. then found the sound system wasn't working. fine, i have spare, replaced it. my spare is not working. go buy another sound card. cannot install drivers, cause i using win98se. it only support winME and up. great. was going to spend money upgrading to XP. luckily, i took time to think and decided to try reinstalling windoze. then my on-board sound worked. what a messy week. to and fro sim lim. spending money on things that should have worked for longer. and spending unknown hours trying to get thigns to work.

shooting..bitter sweet symphony. change form some what, under guidance of the coach. tough, but can feel that it can be much better than my normal. ups and downs. score also up and down. did gym work. training hard. went for trials, did alright for my standard. got to work at it. many changes this year for my shooting. new bow. new form. new mindset. new training regime. for dreams!

through all these shifts in my life i am very thankful for my ever supportive family and few friends who never say no to hanging out or chatting and wasting time. without them i wouldn't be able to let off steam and carry on going.

what matters is what's inside us. what are you made of? you decide. you create, you. be who you want to be. work at it. we cannot be perfect, maybe. but what's to stop us from trying?

being-ken
being who i am at any given moment, in any given place, with any given person.

'was it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not to me..
oh things are gonna happen naturally..
oh taking your advice, i'm looking on the bright side..
and balancing the whole thing.'-Jason Mraz

siege, the

(supposed to have an entry relating to war on terror, but!, blogspot screwing me again. so it's lost. i have no intention of retyping them now. maybe later. maybe never.)

http://bladehelix.blogspot.com/

the above link is related to what i wanted to present, but they did it in a better way with better wordings.

anyway, the title above is a show which potrays the changes in policies of different us presidents causing discontent among some groups. and these groups turn to hate the us because of the shift in policies. it also show that handling a terror situation with violence creates more discontentment and results in more anger and possibly more terrorist wannabes.

and war hurts the people there and fighting the most. to the people who makes the decisions, the casualties and deaths and injuries and bombs and missiles are only figures. do they know how it feels to be there being among your dead and injured friends. or do they knowthe feeling when your neighbour house is bombed and your best friend is dead from collateral damage? what is war to those who started it? gains? policies? to attack an enemy which is visible, cause you cannot hit at the real enemy?

policies change and change in our mindset against adversary is needed to end this conflict. violence will only beget violence.

such is the gist of my original blog. missed alot of points, but it'll have to do.

fight-ken
the most important fight is with yourself.

look at your young men fighting
look at your women crying
look at your young men dying
the way they've always done before

look at the hate we're breeding
look at the fear we're feeding
look at the lives we're leading
the way we've always done before
-Guns and Roses

alone in the dark

cold, dark and empty?

life takes a twist again and again. interesting. darkness is relative. and so is the feeling of loneliness. but here i am feeling alone. and feels darkness around. know that i am alright in most aspects, but yet there are parts of my life that is so very empty.

Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind.
Nor hath love's mind of any judgment taste;
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:
And therefore is love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguil'd (I, i)

The course of true love never did run smooth.

from a midsummer night's dream. my fave of shakespeare. like it cause the characters are more embodiments of some ideas rather than persons. feels it to be more raw, more pure. interesting way to show something so raw as love.

like through a glass window which have no more handle. i can watch but am powerless to act. though i wish, i know this is probably better. have to go with the flow and let things run it's course. all i can do is my best. trying to do more now would only make things worse. have to do what is right and let things go as they go.

knowledge of something about myself made a paradigm shift in me. just an idea. realisation that things are far more complicated than it seems. no matter what way i take it, it still seems to be abit more than i can take. for now. i have been guessing at it for sometime now, just no idea what it entails. now perhaps i know more and can speak to someone about it. interesting.

burning my life away for others. shall have to watch out that i don't get into trouble for that, cause it would mean i cannot help others anymore. always been glad to help people. but lately been rather out of my capabilites. got to realise that i am human.

nothing's been much interest to me lately. i know what i have to do, as well as what i want to do. and i guess i feel unmotivated to do them. still convincing myself to do things for myself more. to take my own advise and listen to hear what i say to others.

got to get going, i say. but do i listen to what i say?

listen-ken
listen to my heart. it tells me to soar..

'what i've felt..what i've known..never shined through in what i've shown. never free..never me..so i dub thee unforgiven..'-Metallica

lost in space

spaced out and quite lost.

casey is right. it's not doing that's tough. it deciding and letting yourself do it that's tough. maybe tougher for me, as i am oft times overly-cautious. i know what i want and i will go ahead to try to get it. for dreams of better tomorrows.

been feeling rather weird lately. body shrudders uncontrollably for a moment. then resumes normal function. just a slight slight shrudder. then body feels cold inside. feels warm yet too cold. sometimes will blank out and not thinking of anything..just very aware of things..yet feels distanced. no idea what's it's all about or why. been eating normal, sleeping as usual and don't feel any weird stuff happening. oh well..hope i don't die too soon.

no idea how i am feeling lately. just kind of ok and nothing much. doing things. going along fine. that's good i suppose. things take time. will work on it. what else is there?

watched terminal and man on fire. like them pretty much. terminal was funny and rather touching. showing how doing right things may reward you in the end. man on fire..aww..=) my kind of stuff. piss me off and i'll chew your head off. cold rage. calculated violence. revenge is best served cold.

mood swinging. can you s@@ it above? haha..damn. no anchor in life. got to get my act together. and i will. i guess i am too serious sometimes and then too crappy sometimes. extremes i am. still balanced, i hope. in equilibrium.

returning to being me. more me now than the past months. though i have changed much. i am still very much as i was before.

breathe-ken
breathe and feel alive.

'tell me, did you fall for a shooting star..one without a permanent scar. and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there..'-Train

the invisible man

what if no one can s@@ you?

worse if people s@@, but don't bother. have you felt that? have you been invisible? have you even been in a crowd and felt alone? yes..you know how it feels. it sucks. why the torment? even if i could, i wouldn't. but i can't.

heartbreaks have no scars. some cry have no sound. some pains brings no tears.

i can go on. but i am broken. someone saw that long ago. knew it. but decided not to do anything, as it was too complicated.?

i will get there. but at what cost? what do i want? what am i willing to give? to try. to have a chance. do i dare? can i even? is there still a chance?

enticed by sad love songs again. was on to emotional powerful music. to push me on. to drive me on. now back to feeling pain. cycle which i have to break.. can i? don't want to be dependent, but i am. 'love makes fool of us all.'

training goes well. except my mental. i know what i need. but i have to find it.

great love. great passion. great big little fool.

tell me if i can. please.

wondering-ken
wondering wandering where.

'everytime i see you, oh i try to hide away..but when we meet it seems i can't let go..everytime you leave the room i feel i'm fading like a flower..'-Roxette

total recall

are we who we know we are?

what's our true self? is there a difference? if you act a certain way and then there's another you? why would there be since you are you? are we not who we act to be? since we did it why is it not? that's a question that only a person can answer to.

been rather sedated lately. not thinking much. not doing much. just do what i want and enjoy as much as i can. don't want to think about the past. or worry too much about the future. i'll survive. like it this was. just me being me. doing what i know to be right. may not be good for me. but it's the right thing to do.

trying to let my body get used to the training and my financial get used to the reduced spending. if all works out i'll be like this for a while. a long while. no place in my life for other things. got friends, got family, got archery. nothing more i can ask for. there a kind of yearning for more. but, oh well. i shouldn't. in no state to be.

alot of the past have caught up with me. filling my thoughts. all those have to be left aside. distracting. making my sad and pissed. shadows of a past long gone. nice and warm. enjoyable and comforting. still they are just shadows. no longer providing comfort. only mocking images. cold, dank and empty. we all got to let go. though i wish. though i enjoyed while it lasted. i couldn't try anymore. i am sorry. for everything.

we all get down sometimes. just have to get up. keep going. be a champion. go at it again. don't let yourself down. don't let your friends down. your loved ones. believe you can. those who s@@ you as who you can be. you have to s@@ it. you have to believe it. live it.

realised the post is quite disjointed. the post that screwed up was better. but then it screwed up. too bad. this will have to do. the idea is there. just no longer carrying the emotions.

now-ken
ken again. now i am.

'oh, i'll be so alone without you..maybe you'll be lonesome too..'-Jason Wade

requiem for a dream

it ends. now.

we all have dreams. they change as we grow. as we know more, some of our dreams are put aside. some for good. i guess i have been holding on to something i thought will happen. can happen. more importantly, i wanted it to happen. now that dream is dead. past a day that held great importance, it meant nothing already. went through it like any other. no longer wondering or wishing. that happen the day before it, before i laid down and rest. on the day itself, i was busy with my things and enjoying my self shooting in relative peace.

glad that i did not go crazee. i mean like no more crazier than usual. i know my moods are swinging badly these days. but, i know i can control them somewhat. it's a matter of perspective and choice. we control ourselve. don't let yourself be runned by outside influences or even by your emotions. we all feel down sometimes. but we can trudge on when the days are gray/grey and enjoy ourselves when the skies are clear.

not much to input here as i feel my life is on the way back to normality. carry on dreaming my, MY, dream. doing my work. enjoying it. loving it. there are problems. but, oh well, life sucks sometimes. hang on! for dreams of better tomorrow.

someone else need care. need attention. needs love. people around me can count on me to be me.

ken-ken
ken.

'it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right..i hope you had the time of your life..'-Greenday

the day the sky exploded

kaboom.

this is the second time i am typing this entry. some shit happened to blogspot and lost the first entry. fuck the world. i was just down and sad with a tiny bit of anger. not it's TRUCKLOAD of anger and tiny bit of sadness. fuckturd!!

it's a day which was great. a day that's always nice and enjoyable. a day which i always look forward to. this year. fuck it. screw it. go to hell! forget it.

i'll chew your head off. don't come near me. it was my fault. i tried, but i didn't know. wasn't caring enough. but all is over now. forget it. no more. i had enough.

wanted to pass this day normally. now all screwed. will not cry. will not scream or otherwise cause harm to anything or anyone. i am ken. ken the archer. no idea what that means to me? look in my previous post, fucking asshole.

scream coming from unknown depts in me and ending in a soundless cry. no rage. no anger. punching keyboard, not hard enough to spoil it. just hard enough to make it sound scary. thank you.

sorry for the anger up there. i'll leave it as it reflects truely about me. i'll be better. sorry.

all mixed up with emotions from shadows of a past long gone. with some mix of a dream of better tomorrows. in the confusion, that's now. i'll be better. i hope all is well with all those i know. i am sorry i cannot be better.

looking forward with hope, yet carrying the past on my back. i'll leave it here. i'll be who i am. who i want to be. so many things to say, yet no words come to mind. all i can say now is. i love you.

i will be better. thank you. sorry. take care. be well.

.-ken
today, it ends.

'don't speak..i know what you're thinking. i don't need your reasons..don't tell me cause it hurts.'-No Doubt

the day the sky exploded

kaboom.

breaking up. or is it breaking down. wanted to get past this day normally. now it starts, abnormally. swell of emotions. mixed up emotions. anger. sadness. yearning. hopelessness. pissedness. torn. empty. broken. a great scream seem to come from deep within and ending in a soundless cry.

i really have no idea how to express this now. the past is gone. let it go. you did enjoy yourself and you hated it as well. it was good but not as good as it should have been. should be six years now. but all there is now is nothing. not even a kind word when we parted. perhaps there was. i don't remember. i know i lost days when it happened. don't know what i was doing. don't know what happened. just slowly reawaken to a dull life devoided of color. devoided of purpose.

it's just a date. meaningless. like birthdays. a date to signify a day long past. yet it holds me captive. it was a day to celebrate. to have fun and enjoy ourselves. to love each other more and to affirm our commitment to better future. all is naught.

will not cry. will not break down. will be strong and go on. i have alot to do today. alot to acheive.

will not go on about this. it's pointless. i hate it. shadows of a dream long gone. all left are ashes. cold. dark. empty.

ken is an archer. you left.

.-ken
today, it ends.

'don't speak, i know what you're thinking..i don't need your reasons, don't tell me cause it hurts..'-No Doubt

between heaven and hell

in between extremes.

no idea what to do. what to feel. and i mean about everything in my life. don't know to shoot not. go where to shoot. why. now. what to eat. what to wear. everything. no needs. no wants. nothing. what am i to do? i feel as if i am waiting for something to happen. but what? it's like should be fine but i am not. if i think about my problems should be in VERY bad state. but i am not.

did not post anything the last entry. wanted to put something. wanted to express myself. realise that i have nothing to say. or rather no idea what to put out. many thoughts? or no thoughts? no idea. what a mess. or is there no mess? haha.. should think less and do more. but do what?

my job is done. a job well done. did well to get people where they want to go. helped people. gave people a chance at a better tomorrow in certain aspects of their lives. now i got not much to do. only my own dream to chase. i should be doing that. but i feel the emptiness. the pointlessness.

i have to get going. get myself going. get my dreams on the way. i can do it. need something to kick start me. to get me going on the way. haha. i seem to need that once a week or so. i guess i have to get myself going.

very confused about myself now. don't know about myself. my dreams abit fuzzy now. people have more faith on me than me. i wish i feel that kind of confidence. i know that i can and i will. but i don't feel it. and that makes my effort more tiring and less rewarding. i'll just get on with it. hope for a better tomorrow.

can be worse. can be better. should be worse. yet also should be better. just being.

messed-ken
messy life. messy mind.

'you've come so far, don't throw it away. live believing, dreams are for weaving. wonders are waiting to start..'-Diana Ross

edward scissorhands

who knows what we go through?

we are all different. we have different joys and different pains. i was down and up and down again. why? i do not know. nothing's seriously wrong with my life. just feeling depressed. want to go on. but can't. something's holding me back. something lacking.

realise i really really like to hang out with someone. awesome friend? or something more? i don't really want to think about it. too far away. too far apart in many sense. i can understand her but no idea if she understands me. just happy being around and doing anything or nothing. spontaneous. not like joyous, just satisfied. guess i'll forever wonder how she feels. did fun things. did normal stuff. held her hand. held her. don't know how she feels. want to find out. yet. pointless. worlds apart. somewhere out there. and leaving on a jet plane.

confused. again. where do i go from here. step by step closer to my dream. but my life is lacking. i know now how it feels to be up there alone. not that i'm up there, just that can understand the feeling. the pointlessness when it all ends. my life have only two directions now, shoot and coach. will get a job soon. but that's to allow me to shoot. no idea what will come. don't really matter. i'll survive. i'll endure and i'll get there. with or without you. whoever you may be.

mad. going madder. haha. madder. are we not all mad? why do we live this sad existance? or am i the only sad one. and without reason as well. i know people care. my mom, my friends. but if i don't know what i am sad about. what can i do? facing life as usual. still doing what i do and doing it as i do. but inside, i'm crying. i'm dying. want to break down on my knees and cry. to weep in a gentle embrace.

wilting. fading. but i'll survive. like the flowers freezing in winter and blooming when spring arrives. i await my spring. when i can bloom and share the miracle of life.

stabbed-ken
stab, twist and yanked. empty wound. heartbreaks have no scars.

'so steal my heart and take the pain..wash the feet and cleanse my pride..take the selfish, take the weak..and all the things I cannot hide..take the beauty, take my tears..the sin-soaked heart and make it yours'-Jars of Clay

return of the jedi

back.

maybe not as galaxy-shaking or memorable or eventful, but i feel as if a veil was lifted from my eyes. after yesterday's shoot, was disappointed as i was feeling great yet mentally not trying at all. today, i tried to balanced both the need to relax as well as focus. did good. not great. yet.

shooting form was alright. normal. small things to work on. mentally, i felt a huge shift. as if i wasn't even at a competition. arrow after arrow, sending it out. feeling normal. just doing my form. top down. center. shoot! feels good. enjoyed shooting even in the high stress parts. guess i found my wal for shooting. a center which my mind is calm and willing to let things go. to do.

problems of life still around. will be trying to sort them out this week and next. find a job that allows me to shoot and coach. settle with my old boss. recover my energy after three months of rather intensive training and coaching. owe people some stuff too. got to try to get things going.

still, i don't understand myself. but clear my mind of questions. just do what i need then want then have fun. too short to be complicated.

many thanx to those who was with me and supported me. who believed me more then me. who trusted me even when i crapped. those whom have helped me and listen to me and fed me and let me be crazy.

doing my best to be my best. trust me. i will get there. stand by me and walk with me.

awaken-ken
had such dark dreams of late.

'dare to be all you can be..cause there is a place where dreams survive..and it's calling you on to victory..!'-Stan Bush

heat

alrighty now.

heat is on. pesta sukan aka sports festival for archery is like 8 hours away. not my event first but i got to help out with the running and all. then, it's my event. i'm pretty screwed...anyway..just shoot and do my bestest and have fun. that's what i always tell people. though i know i'll be disappointed with myself for short-changing myself again.

problems abound. what's new? ha. but i guess i'm starting to live with it all. accepting things slowly and doing what i can and all. i need to take the advise i give people. i can help people just fine, but i just ignore my sane mind and go crazy. i should calm down and listen to me.

anyway, i am ready. not as ready as i like or as i was for last year's, but it'll have to do. i did what i could to help myself in the midst of helping others. i'll help others and yet be as good as i can be. that's what i can do and stop dwelling on stuff that's out of my reach.

i got lots of things i should do to help myself. and i should be doing them now. right after pesta sukan. i'll do what i need to do. pick myself right off the floor and get going. since no one is going to help me. i guess like i always tell people. 'we all have our own demons to face.'

inertia building. momentum building. next thing you know..ken's off to the moon.

know-ken
ken should get to know ken.

'so never mind the darkness, we still can find a way..cause nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain..'-Guns and Roses

odds against tomorrow

how do we survive day after day..

feeling all empty. like a big gaping hole right smack in the middle of me. as usual no tears to weep. no cry to wail. just a mask full of emptiness. tomorrow? we'll see.

what do i need? what do i want? ha ha. god mode. unlimited ammo. aim-bot. haha. i too want to know what do i need. someone to love me and care for me as i care for others? money to ease my woes which are financial? boost of confidence to let me soar to greater heights? tell me if you find out.

wept the other night. saw picture of who-was-once-my love. did not realise how much i miss her. her complains of my lifestyle and her loving me with all she got. we gave all we had and still it's not enough. grind-teeth and hold back tears.

was happy for a few hours. saw a good friend whom i really like to hang out with. nearly the same as before. i am saddder. she's more tired. maybe we don't want to move on, just want to stay young and have fun and leave troubles behind. but once i see her eyes. i knew, things are not as before. we have grown. maybe a little. but still, things are same and slightly different.

can someone talk to me and bring out my inner self. to let me know me. please. let me weep and wail and let the little boy out. let me lose myself and find me again. i cannot stand being like this.

again, now-ken
ken, now. again. tomorrow, ken?

'someone told me, love would all save us..but, how can that be. look what love gave us.'-Chad Kroeger

abyss

look into the abyss..and the abyss looks back at you.

feels like i am in an abyss now. no light. no hope no one. nothing at all. no idea where am i or what am i to do. cannot see myself. cannot see any other thing. just don't want to do anything or even see anyone. simply feels like i need to fulfill my duty as a friend, archer, coach..blah, blah..

life sucks. don't know why it took such a turn again. want to feel happy, really want to again. but there's no more reason to. no longer a dream to live. no longer a will to carry on. i'll just take it easy and see what turns up. i'll just hope for a better tomorrow. though such hope in me is minute. like a part in godzillion of other negative emotions.

want to go crazy and forget everything. all i have done wrong. all that i should not. never done anything good for myself except eat nice food. lost the reasons for my being. no more quest to fulfill. no more people to save. except myself. and i don't know how. if there's an angel looking at me. i need you now. i am losing myself. i want to tear at myself and rip out the things that hurts. i don't want to hurt anymore. i cannot stay strong anymore. i don't want to act anymore.

i am sad. i am down. i am lost. i am confused. i am in pain. i am lost. i am lost.

-ken
i am no more.

'maybe tomorrow i'll feel a different way..but here is my delusion, I don't know what to say'-Bon Jovi

musha

who really understand why we do things.

interesting show isn't it? things unfolding as it unfolds. for reasons that seem on the verge of ridiculous. why fight when the reason for fighhting is gone? to save yourself just do nothing, yet have to do something to keep another safe. what are they fighting for? what are we fighting for?

i don't understand many people. i knowthem, but understanding them is beyond me. one of these peoples is me. i don't undertand me. i know what i like and what i don't. why do i keep losing strength to carry on? always wavering back and forth between a fierce need to go on and a desire to just lay down and die.

somethings i know are happening. but nothing i can do. or nothing i want to do about it.

somethings i don't know what's happening. still nothing i can do about it.

i am not one to ask too much about another unless someones tells me. i care, but i don't ask too much. maybe i ask too little?

i don't know anymore. i don't understand. i am missing something. i want something. don't know what.

clueless-ken
clueless about yesterdays. clueless about tomorrows.

'shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry..stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery..he hears the silence so loud..'-Metallica