catastrophe, due to unchecked global warming.
we are one step further from that. russia cabinet just passed a vote to put the kyoto protocol to the parliment to pass it.(which news agencies says it probably will be passed)
kyoto protocol, first agreed in japan in 1997, sets targets for 34 industrialised countries to contain and reduce their emissions of greenhouse gases from 2008. it requires them to keep emissions of six greenhouse gases below 1990 levels during a compliance period of 2008-2012. the eu has to reduce emissions by 8 %, while russia has only to keep them from rising above 1990 levels. russia's emissions are currently more than 25 % below 1990 levels.
russia’s decision is vital because without its ratification the protocol is doomed. complex(weird) rules stipulate that it comes into force only when developed countries responsible for 55 per cent of the global emissions caused by industrialised nations ratify the protocol. major polluters – the us, australia and russia – have held out. the (f**ked up) us, though responsible for 36 % of the emissions by industrialised countries with targets, has remained implacably opposed. if russia, which emits 17 % of the greenhouse gases vented by developed nations, joins, it would break the threshold needed to start the kyoto plan.
and that puts us abit further from the horrible possibilities of the above-mentioned show. and the above protocol outline is taken from www.newscientist.com, and edited slightly.
i have no idea if those means anything to any of you. but it really makes me glad. we all know what's causing the earth to heat up. and we are not doing anything responsible.(no wonder aliens wants to kill us all the time=>)cars, air-cons and smoking are things that we don't really need that are killing us.
we can all take public transport, granted if it was more timely and all.
air-cons actually kills us faster two ways. it need to draw heat away from one side(inside) to let it out the other side(outside). so as the outside gets hotter than the inside, we feel the difference more and use more aircon more times stronger. the cycle not only make our planet warmer, it also makes our body go through more temperature changes and thus weaken our respirtory system, making us more prone to fall sick. we need to break the cycle.
smoking. that's the really in your face thing. it kills you. you know it. it kills the people around you. you know it. it cost you money. you know it. is there any real reason to smoke? stressed? smoking cause you to be less healthy, makes you use more money for stupid things and kills the people around you. does that make you less stress? go f**k yourselves, smokers.
hmm..anyway. really glad that some nations agree that we must at least try to slow down global warming and stuff. we have to try. it's our only planet and we abuse it like mad. and what about all the cute animals and the not so cute ones too. it's not only for us.
sounding really preachy there. but i really love the planet and all it's amazing stuff it have.(humans the least of it)
my life been real normal these days. still abit sad from stuff. still trying to get better. still trying to help people. still trying. even though it hurts much sometimes, i'll go on. not because i cannot stop. it's because i want to. i know what i want to do for most parts of my life. thank you all for helping me when i am down. when i am lost, thank you for helping me walk on. let me help you if you need. i'll be there.
together we can s@@ this through. for our dreams. for dreams of better tomorrows!
tomorrow-ken
now i s@@ a better tomorrow.
'somewhere over the rainbow,
skies are blue..
and the dreams that you dare to dream,
really do come true..'-Dorothy
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
a simple plan
most things start out as such.
all you need was (a + b + some c) then you'll get what you wanted in life and could die a happy person. but along the way some things go wrong. other things catch your attention. some one tell you you are not right. then everything seems to crumble so easily you wonder if you can make it through.
nice day today. cool weather. nice wind. shot nicely. alone and feeling great. then felt..lonely. something is missing from my life. i tried to ignore it. the more i try, the more i miss it. man, is so weak. is there nothing i can do? there are always extreme things i can do..but that would be very irresponsible of me. life is not like a movie where the actors and actresses can do god-damned weird things and not suffer real consequences. so..nothing really i can do.
strange feeling after that. feel like breaking down and cry. cry like a little boy who lost his way home. yet another part of me wants to scream. to roar. to..make known my pain and make heard the loneliness felt. but i can't.
mid-autumn festival. mooncakes and lanterns. artistic and joyous. meaningless this year. sent mooncakes to someone i know who would be lonely. so far away. hope all is fine. hope all is well.
though i wish i couldn't. or can i? just that i don't want to? to let go is tough. the toughest thing i am trying so far. to stop being wistful. to stop hoping. i am trying. even though it's breaking me apart.
tears in silence.
alone-ken
are we not all alone?
'drowning past regrets..in tea and cigarettes..
but I can't seem to forget..when you came along..
ingenue, ingenue, i just don't know what to do..'-Formica Blues
all you need was (a + b + some c) then you'll get what you wanted in life and could die a happy person. but along the way some things go wrong. other things catch your attention. some one tell you you are not right. then everything seems to crumble so easily you wonder if you can make it through.
nice day today. cool weather. nice wind. shot nicely. alone and feeling great. then felt..lonely. something is missing from my life. i tried to ignore it. the more i try, the more i miss it. man, is so weak. is there nothing i can do? there are always extreme things i can do..but that would be very irresponsible of me. life is not like a movie where the actors and actresses can do god-damned weird things and not suffer real consequences. so..nothing really i can do.
strange feeling after that. feel like breaking down and cry. cry like a little boy who lost his way home. yet another part of me wants to scream. to roar. to..make known my pain and make heard the loneliness felt. but i can't.
mid-autumn festival. mooncakes and lanterns. artistic and joyous. meaningless this year. sent mooncakes to someone i know who would be lonely. so far away. hope all is fine. hope all is well.
though i wish i couldn't. or can i? just that i don't want to? to let go is tough. the toughest thing i am trying so far. to stop being wistful. to stop hoping. i am trying. even though it's breaking me apart.
tears in silence.
alone-ken
are we not all alone?
'drowning past regrets..in tea and cigarettes..
but I can't seem to forget..when you came along..
ingenue, ingenue, i just don't know what to do..'-Formica Blues
Sunday, September 26, 2004
ran
an english translation for a japanese show. chaos. luan(4).
many time our lives seems chaotic. out of control. no idea what is going on. things change and change. moving moving. so fast, before you can stop to think about it, it changes again. the fast ones catch up and the slower ones catching up.
as a person, when you change too much, people say you fickle minded. when you change too slow, people say you not up to date. middle ground? yourself.
recently things been moving rather fast in my life. books. games. friends. computer. shooting form. scores. much too fast for my taste. i rather a slow, delibrate, delicate execution of things.
been reading some books. some i bought, some my brother's, some my friends bought for me. all done. and coming out plenty more that i am interested in. is this because christmas is near and more books are coming out? there are at least nine books that i want now. and even if i get them i'll spend the next few months going through them once. in that span more will come out. and i rather read books at least three times. to get it in my thick stubborn skull the ideas presented and the things i can learn form it. and so..strangely there seems to be more books coming out? or i have more interest in more things? or i read too slowly?
games. haha. the other day just bought two games which i play alot. then just now went to take a walk and saw the games selling at the SAME price but with ALL the expansions. (insert favored explicit)
learnt more about some of my friends. friends, from aquaintance to friends. some friends left. some friends no longer hang out. some hang out less due to other stuff. some of my old friends, we don't even meet up anymore. been 2 years..and counting. our lives are too much and too fast for us to even make sometime for one another. mayhaps we are not as important as we thought we were.
my computer have problems. always. strangely. it's the same. exactly the same as my brother's. i built it, i know. my always got things spoiling. and i need to spend money replacing the components. just last week. the motherboard went out, i went to buy one with integrated things. to cut cost and save time. found out my graphic card damages as well. fine i have spare. simply replace. then found the sound system wasn't working. fine, i have spare, replaced it. my spare is not working. go buy another sound card. cannot install drivers, cause i using win98se. it only support winME and up. great. was going to spend money upgrading to XP. luckily, i took time to think and decided to try reinstalling windoze. then my on-board sound worked. what a messy week. to and fro sim lim. spending money on things that should have worked for longer. and spending unknown hours trying to get thigns to work.
shooting..bitter sweet symphony. change form some what, under guidance of the coach. tough, but can feel that it can be much better than my normal. ups and downs. score also up and down. did gym work. training hard. went for trials, did alright for my standard. got to work at it. many changes this year for my shooting. new bow. new form. new mindset. new training regime. for dreams!
through all these shifts in my life i am very thankful for my ever supportive family and few friends who never say no to hanging out or chatting and wasting time. without them i wouldn't be able to let off steam and carry on going.
what matters is what's inside us. what are you made of? you decide. you create, you. be who you want to be. work at it. we cannot be perfect, maybe. but what's to stop us from trying?
being-ken
being who i am at any given moment, in any given place, with any given person.
'was it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not to me..
oh things are gonna happen naturally..
oh taking your advice, i'm looking on the bright side..
and balancing the whole thing.'-Jason Mraz
many time our lives seems chaotic. out of control. no idea what is going on. things change and change. moving moving. so fast, before you can stop to think about it, it changes again. the fast ones catch up and the slower ones catching up.
as a person, when you change too much, people say you fickle minded. when you change too slow, people say you not up to date. middle ground? yourself.
recently things been moving rather fast in my life. books. games. friends. computer. shooting form. scores. much too fast for my taste. i rather a slow, delibrate, delicate execution of things.
been reading some books. some i bought, some my brother's, some my friends bought for me. all done. and coming out plenty more that i am interested in. is this because christmas is near and more books are coming out? there are at least nine books that i want now. and even if i get them i'll spend the next few months going through them once. in that span more will come out. and i rather read books at least three times. to get it in my thick stubborn skull the ideas presented and the things i can learn form it. and so..strangely there seems to be more books coming out? or i have more interest in more things? or i read too slowly?
games. haha. the other day just bought two games which i play alot. then just now went to take a walk and saw the games selling at the SAME price but with ALL the expansions. (insert favored explicit)
learnt more about some of my friends. friends, from aquaintance to friends. some friends left. some friends no longer hang out. some hang out less due to other stuff. some of my old friends, we don't even meet up anymore. been 2 years..and counting. our lives are too much and too fast for us to even make sometime for one another. mayhaps we are not as important as we thought we were.
my computer have problems. always. strangely. it's the same. exactly the same as my brother's. i built it, i know. my always got things spoiling. and i need to spend money replacing the components. just last week. the motherboard went out, i went to buy one with integrated things. to cut cost and save time. found out my graphic card damages as well. fine i have spare. simply replace. then found the sound system wasn't working. fine, i have spare, replaced it. my spare is not working. go buy another sound card. cannot install drivers, cause i using win98se. it only support winME and up. great. was going to spend money upgrading to XP. luckily, i took time to think and decided to try reinstalling windoze. then my on-board sound worked. what a messy week. to and fro sim lim. spending money on things that should have worked for longer. and spending unknown hours trying to get thigns to work.
shooting..bitter sweet symphony. change form some what, under guidance of the coach. tough, but can feel that it can be much better than my normal. ups and downs. score also up and down. did gym work. training hard. went for trials, did alright for my standard. got to work at it. many changes this year for my shooting. new bow. new form. new mindset. new training regime. for dreams!
through all these shifts in my life i am very thankful for my ever supportive family and few friends who never say no to hanging out or chatting and wasting time. without them i wouldn't be able to let off steam and carry on going.
what matters is what's inside us. what are you made of? you decide. you create, you. be who you want to be. work at it. we cannot be perfect, maybe. but what's to stop us from trying?
being-ken
being who i am at any given moment, in any given place, with any given person.
'was it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not to me..
oh things are gonna happen naturally..
oh taking your advice, i'm looking on the bright side..
and balancing the whole thing.'-Jason Mraz
Saturday, September 25, 2004
siege, the
(supposed to have an entry relating to war on terror, but!, blogspot screwing me again. so it's lost. i have no intention of retyping them now. maybe later. maybe never.)
http://bladehelix.blogspot.com/
the above link is related to what i wanted to present, but they did it in a better way with better wordings.
anyway, the title above is a show which potrays the changes in policies of different us presidents causing discontent among some groups. and these groups turn to hate the us because of the shift in policies. it also show that handling a terror situation with violence creates more discontentment and results in more anger and possibly more terrorist wannabes.
and war hurts the people there and fighting the most. to the people who makes the decisions, the casualties and deaths and injuries and bombs and missiles are only figures. do they know how it feels to be there being among your dead and injured friends. or do they knowthe feeling when your neighbour house is bombed and your best friend is dead from collateral damage? what is war to those who started it? gains? policies? to attack an enemy which is visible, cause you cannot hit at the real enemy?
policies change and change in our mindset against adversary is needed to end this conflict. violence will only beget violence.
such is the gist of my original blog. missed alot of points, but it'll have to do.
fight-ken
the most important fight is with yourself.
look at your young men fighting
look at your women crying
look at your young men dying
the way they've always done before
look at the hate we're breeding
look at the fear we're feeding
look at the lives we're leading
the way we've always done before
-Guns and Roses
http://bladehelix.blogspot.com/
the above link is related to what i wanted to present, but they did it in a better way with better wordings.
anyway, the title above is a show which potrays the changes in policies of different us presidents causing discontent among some groups. and these groups turn to hate the us because of the shift in policies. it also show that handling a terror situation with violence creates more discontentment and results in more anger and possibly more terrorist wannabes.
and war hurts the people there and fighting the most. to the people who makes the decisions, the casualties and deaths and injuries and bombs and missiles are only figures. do they know how it feels to be there being among your dead and injured friends. or do they knowthe feeling when your neighbour house is bombed and your best friend is dead from collateral damage? what is war to those who started it? gains? policies? to attack an enemy which is visible, cause you cannot hit at the real enemy?
policies change and change in our mindset against adversary is needed to end this conflict. violence will only beget violence.
such is the gist of my original blog. missed alot of points, but it'll have to do.
fight-ken
the most important fight is with yourself.
look at your young men fighting
look at your women crying
look at your young men dying
the way they've always done before
look at the hate we're breeding
look at the fear we're feeding
look at the lives we're leading
the way we've always done before
-Guns and Roses
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
alone in the dark
cold, dark and empty?
life takes a twist again and again. interesting. darkness is relative. and so is the feeling of loneliness. but here i am feeling alone. and feels darkness around. know that i am alright in most aspects, but yet there are parts of my life that is so very empty.
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind.
Nor hath love's mind of any judgment taste;
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:
And therefore is love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguil'd (I, i)
The course of true love never did run smooth.
from a midsummer night's dream. my fave of shakespeare. like it cause the characters are more embodiments of some ideas rather than persons. feels it to be more raw, more pure. interesting way to show something so raw as love.
like through a glass window which have no more handle. i can watch but am powerless to act. though i wish, i know this is probably better. have to go with the flow and let things run it's course. all i can do is my best. trying to do more now would only make things worse. have to do what is right and let things go as they go.
knowledge of something about myself made a paradigm shift in me. just an idea. realisation that things are far more complicated than it seems. no matter what way i take it, it still seems to be abit more than i can take. for now. i have been guessing at it for sometime now, just no idea what it entails. now perhaps i know more and can speak to someone about it. interesting.
burning my life away for others. shall have to watch out that i don't get into trouble for that, cause it would mean i cannot help others anymore. always been glad to help people. but lately been rather out of my capabilites. got to realise that i am human.
nothing's been much interest to me lately. i know what i have to do, as well as what i want to do. and i guess i feel unmotivated to do them. still convincing myself to do things for myself more. to take my own advise and listen to hear what i say to others.
got to get going, i say. but do i listen to what i say?
listen-ken
listen to my heart. it tells me to soar..
'what i've felt..what i've known..never shined through in what i've shown. never free..never me..so i dub thee unforgiven..'-Metallica
life takes a twist again and again. interesting. darkness is relative. and so is the feeling of loneliness. but here i am feeling alone. and feels darkness around. know that i am alright in most aspects, but yet there are parts of my life that is so very empty.
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind.
Nor hath love's mind of any judgment taste;
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:
And therefore is love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguil'd (I, i)
The course of true love never did run smooth.
from a midsummer night's dream. my fave of shakespeare. like it cause the characters are more embodiments of some ideas rather than persons. feels it to be more raw, more pure. interesting way to show something so raw as love.
like through a glass window which have no more handle. i can watch but am powerless to act. though i wish, i know this is probably better. have to go with the flow and let things run it's course. all i can do is my best. trying to do more now would only make things worse. have to do what is right and let things go as they go.
knowledge of something about myself made a paradigm shift in me. just an idea. realisation that things are far more complicated than it seems. no matter what way i take it, it still seems to be abit more than i can take. for now. i have been guessing at it for sometime now, just no idea what it entails. now perhaps i know more and can speak to someone about it. interesting.
burning my life away for others. shall have to watch out that i don't get into trouble for that, cause it would mean i cannot help others anymore. always been glad to help people. but lately been rather out of my capabilites. got to realise that i am human.
nothing's been much interest to me lately. i know what i have to do, as well as what i want to do. and i guess i feel unmotivated to do them. still convincing myself to do things for myself more. to take my own advise and listen to hear what i say to others.
got to get going, i say. but do i listen to what i say?
listen-ken
listen to my heart. it tells me to soar..
'what i've felt..what i've known..never shined through in what i've shown. never free..never me..so i dub thee unforgiven..'-Metallica
Saturday, September 18, 2004
lost in space
spaced out and quite lost.
casey is right. it's not doing that's tough. it deciding and letting yourself do it that's tough. maybe tougher for me, as i am oft times overly-cautious. i know what i want and i will go ahead to try to get it. for dreams of better tomorrows.
been feeling rather weird lately. body shrudders uncontrollably for a moment. then resumes normal function. just a slight slight shrudder. then body feels cold inside. feels warm yet too cold. sometimes will blank out and not thinking of anything..just very aware of things..yet feels distanced. no idea what's it's all about or why. been eating normal, sleeping as usual and don't feel any weird stuff happening. oh well..hope i don't die too soon.
no idea how i am feeling lately. just kind of ok and nothing much. doing things. going along fine. that's good i suppose. things take time. will work on it. what else is there?
watched terminal and man on fire. like them pretty much. terminal was funny and rather touching. showing how doing right things may reward you in the end. man on fire..aww..=) my kind of stuff. piss me off and i'll chew your head off. cold rage. calculated violence. revenge is best served cold.
mood swinging. can you s@@ it above? haha..damn. no anchor in life. got to get my act together. and i will. i guess i am too serious sometimes and then too crappy sometimes. extremes i am. still balanced, i hope. in equilibrium.
returning to being me. more me now than the past months. though i have changed much. i am still very much as i was before.
breathe-ken
breathe and feel alive.
'tell me, did you fall for a shooting star..one without a permanent scar. and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there..'-Train
casey is right. it's not doing that's tough. it deciding and letting yourself do it that's tough. maybe tougher for me, as i am oft times overly-cautious. i know what i want and i will go ahead to try to get it. for dreams of better tomorrows.
been feeling rather weird lately. body shrudders uncontrollably for a moment. then resumes normal function. just a slight slight shrudder. then body feels cold inside. feels warm yet too cold. sometimes will blank out and not thinking of anything..just very aware of things..yet feels distanced. no idea what's it's all about or why. been eating normal, sleeping as usual and don't feel any weird stuff happening. oh well..hope i don't die too soon.
no idea how i am feeling lately. just kind of ok and nothing much. doing things. going along fine. that's good i suppose. things take time. will work on it. what else is there?
watched terminal and man on fire. like them pretty much. terminal was funny and rather touching. showing how doing right things may reward you in the end. man on fire..aww..=) my kind of stuff. piss me off and i'll chew your head off. cold rage. calculated violence. revenge is best served cold.
mood swinging. can you s@@ it above? haha..damn. no anchor in life. got to get my act together. and i will. i guess i am too serious sometimes and then too crappy sometimes. extremes i am. still balanced, i hope. in equilibrium.
returning to being me. more me now than the past months. though i have changed much. i am still very much as i was before.
breathe-ken
breathe and feel alive.
'tell me, did you fall for a shooting star..one without a permanent scar. and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there..'-Train
the invisible man
what if no one can s@@ you?
worse if people s@@, but don't bother. have you felt that? have you been invisible? have you even been in a crowd and felt alone? yes..you know how it feels. it sucks. why the torment? even if i could, i wouldn't. but i can't.
heartbreaks have no scars. some cry have no sound. some pains brings no tears.
i can go on. but i am broken. someone saw that long ago. knew it. but decided not to do anything, as it was too complicated.?
i will get there. but at what cost? what do i want? what am i willing to give? to try. to have a chance. do i dare? can i even? is there still a chance?
enticed by sad love songs again. was on to emotional powerful music. to push me on. to drive me on. now back to feeling pain. cycle which i have to break.. can i? don't want to be dependent, but i am. 'love makes fool of us all.'
training goes well. except my mental. i know what i need. but i have to find it.
great love. great passion. great big little fool.
tell me if i can. please.
wondering-ken
wondering wandering where.
'everytime i see you, oh i try to hide away..but when we meet it seems i can't let go..everytime you leave the room i feel i'm fading like a flower..'-Roxette
worse if people s@@, but don't bother. have you felt that? have you been invisible? have you even been in a crowd and felt alone? yes..you know how it feels. it sucks. why the torment? even if i could, i wouldn't. but i can't.
heartbreaks have no scars. some cry have no sound. some pains brings no tears.
i can go on. but i am broken. someone saw that long ago. knew it. but decided not to do anything, as it was too complicated.?
i will get there. but at what cost? what do i want? what am i willing to give? to try. to have a chance. do i dare? can i even? is there still a chance?
enticed by sad love songs again. was on to emotional powerful music. to push me on. to drive me on. now back to feeling pain. cycle which i have to break.. can i? don't want to be dependent, but i am. 'love makes fool of us all.'
training goes well. except my mental. i know what i need. but i have to find it.
great love. great passion. great big little fool.
tell me if i can. please.
wondering-ken
wondering wandering where.
'everytime i see you, oh i try to hide away..but when we meet it seems i can't let go..everytime you leave the room i feel i'm fading like a flower..'-Roxette
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
total recall
are we who we know we are?
what's our true self? is there a difference? if you act a certain way and then there's another you? why would there be since you are you? are we not who we act to be? since we did it why is it not? that's a question that only a person can answer to.
been rather sedated lately. not thinking much. not doing much. just do what i want and enjoy as much as i can. don't want to think about the past. or worry too much about the future. i'll survive. like it this was. just me being me. doing what i know to be right. may not be good for me. but it's the right thing to do.
trying to let my body get used to the training and my financial get used to the reduced spending. if all works out i'll be like this for a while. a long while. no place in my life for other things. got friends, got family, got archery. nothing more i can ask for. there a kind of yearning for more. but, oh well. i shouldn't. in no state to be.
alot of the past have caught up with me. filling my thoughts. all those have to be left aside. distracting. making my sad and pissed. shadows of a past long gone. nice and warm. enjoyable and comforting. still they are just shadows. no longer providing comfort. only mocking images. cold, dank and empty. we all got to let go. though i wish. though i enjoyed while it lasted. i couldn't try anymore. i am sorry. for everything.
we all get down sometimes. just have to get up. keep going. be a champion. go at it again. don't let yourself down. don't let your friends down. your loved ones. believe you can. those who s@@ you as who you can be. you have to s@@ it. you have to believe it. live it.
realised the post is quite disjointed. the post that screwed up was better. but then it screwed up. too bad. this will have to do. the idea is there. just no longer carrying the emotions.
now-ken
ken again. now i am.
'oh, i'll be so alone without you..maybe you'll be lonesome too..'-Jason Wade
what's our true self? is there a difference? if you act a certain way and then there's another you? why would there be since you are you? are we not who we act to be? since we did it why is it not? that's a question that only a person can answer to.
been rather sedated lately. not thinking much. not doing much. just do what i want and enjoy as much as i can. don't want to think about the past. or worry too much about the future. i'll survive. like it this was. just me being me. doing what i know to be right. may not be good for me. but it's the right thing to do.
trying to let my body get used to the training and my financial get used to the reduced spending. if all works out i'll be like this for a while. a long while. no place in my life for other things. got friends, got family, got archery. nothing more i can ask for. there a kind of yearning for more. but, oh well. i shouldn't. in no state to be.
alot of the past have caught up with me. filling my thoughts. all those have to be left aside. distracting. making my sad and pissed. shadows of a past long gone. nice and warm. enjoyable and comforting. still they are just shadows. no longer providing comfort. only mocking images. cold, dank and empty. we all got to let go. though i wish. though i enjoyed while it lasted. i couldn't try anymore. i am sorry. for everything.
we all get down sometimes. just have to get up. keep going. be a champion. go at it again. don't let yourself down. don't let your friends down. your loved ones. believe you can. those who s@@ you as who you can be. you have to s@@ it. you have to believe it. live it.
realised the post is quite disjointed. the post that screwed up was better. but then it screwed up. too bad. this will have to do. the idea is there. just no longer carrying the emotions.
now-ken
ken again. now i am.
'oh, i'll be so alone without you..maybe you'll be lonesome too..'-Jason Wade
Friday, September 10, 2004
requiem for a dream
it ends. now.
we all have dreams. they change as we grow. as we know more, some of our dreams are put aside. some for good. i guess i have been holding on to something i thought will happen. can happen. more importantly, i wanted it to happen. now that dream is dead. past a day that held great importance, it meant nothing already. went through it like any other. no longer wondering or wishing. that happen the day before it, before i laid down and rest. on the day itself, i was busy with my things and enjoying my self shooting in relative peace.
glad that i did not go crazee. i mean like no more crazier than usual. i know my moods are swinging badly these days. but, i know i can control them somewhat. it's a matter of perspective and choice. we control ourselve. don't let yourself be runned by outside influences or even by your emotions. we all feel down sometimes. but we can trudge on when the days are gray/grey and enjoy ourselves when the skies are clear.
not much to input here as i feel my life is on the way back to normality. carry on dreaming my, MY, dream. doing my work. enjoying it. loving it. there are problems. but, oh well, life sucks sometimes. hang on! for dreams of better tomorrow.
someone else need care. need attention. needs love. people around me can count on me to be me.
ken-ken
ken.
'it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right..i hope you had the time of your life..'-Greenday
we all have dreams. they change as we grow. as we know more, some of our dreams are put aside. some for good. i guess i have been holding on to something i thought will happen. can happen. more importantly, i wanted it to happen. now that dream is dead. past a day that held great importance, it meant nothing already. went through it like any other. no longer wondering or wishing. that happen the day before it, before i laid down and rest. on the day itself, i was busy with my things and enjoying my self shooting in relative peace.
glad that i did not go crazee. i mean like no more crazier than usual. i know my moods are swinging badly these days. but, i know i can control them somewhat. it's a matter of perspective and choice. we control ourselve. don't let yourself be runned by outside influences or even by your emotions. we all feel down sometimes. but we can trudge on when the days are gray/grey and enjoy ourselves when the skies are clear.
not much to input here as i feel my life is on the way back to normality. carry on dreaming my, MY, dream. doing my work. enjoying it. loving it. there are problems. but, oh well, life sucks sometimes. hang on! for dreams of better tomorrow.
someone else need care. need attention. needs love. people around me can count on me to be me.
ken-ken
ken.
'it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right..i hope you had the time of your life..'-Greenday
Thursday, September 09, 2004
the day the sky exploded
kaboom.
this is the second time i am typing this entry. some shit happened to blogspot and lost the first entry. fuck the world. i was just down and sad with a tiny bit of anger. not it's TRUCKLOAD of anger and tiny bit of sadness. fuckturd!!
it's a day which was great. a day that's always nice and enjoyable. a day which i always look forward to. this year. fuck it. screw it. go to hell! forget it.
i'll chew your head off. don't come near me. it was my fault. i tried, but i didn't know. wasn't caring enough. but all is over now. forget it. no more. i had enough.
wanted to pass this day normally. now all screwed. will not cry. will not scream or otherwise cause harm to anything or anyone. i am ken. ken the archer. no idea what that means to me? look in my previous post, fucking asshole.
scream coming from unknown depts in me and ending in a soundless cry. no rage. no anger. punching keyboard, not hard enough to spoil it. just hard enough to make it sound scary. thank you.
sorry for the anger up there. i'll leave it as it reflects truely about me. i'll be better. sorry.
all mixed up with emotions from shadows of a past long gone. with some mix of a dream of better tomorrows. in the confusion, that's now. i'll be better. i hope all is well with all those i know. i am sorry i cannot be better.
looking forward with hope, yet carrying the past on my back. i'll leave it here. i'll be who i am. who i want to be. so many things to say, yet no words come to mind. all i can say now is. i love you.
i will be better. thank you. sorry. take care. be well.
.-ken
today, it ends.
'don't speak..i know what you're thinking. i don't need your reasons..don't tell me cause it hurts.'-No Doubt
this is the second time i am typing this entry. some shit happened to blogspot and lost the first entry. fuck the world. i was just down and sad with a tiny bit of anger. not it's TRUCKLOAD of anger and tiny bit of sadness. fuckturd!!
it's a day which was great. a day that's always nice and enjoyable. a day which i always look forward to. this year. fuck it. screw it. go to hell! forget it.
i'll chew your head off. don't come near me. it was my fault. i tried, but i didn't know. wasn't caring enough. but all is over now. forget it. no more. i had enough.
wanted to pass this day normally. now all screwed. will not cry. will not scream or otherwise cause harm to anything or anyone. i am ken. ken the archer. no idea what that means to me? look in my previous post, fucking asshole.
scream coming from unknown depts in me and ending in a soundless cry. no rage. no anger. punching keyboard, not hard enough to spoil it. just hard enough to make it sound scary. thank you.
sorry for the anger up there. i'll leave it as it reflects truely about me. i'll be better. sorry.
all mixed up with emotions from shadows of a past long gone. with some mix of a dream of better tomorrows. in the confusion, that's now. i'll be better. i hope all is well with all those i know. i am sorry i cannot be better.
looking forward with hope, yet carrying the past on my back. i'll leave it here. i'll be who i am. who i want to be. so many things to say, yet no words come to mind. all i can say now is. i love you.
i will be better. thank you. sorry. take care. be well.
.-ken
today, it ends.
'don't speak..i know what you're thinking. i don't need your reasons..don't tell me cause it hurts.'-No Doubt
the day the sky exploded
kaboom.
breaking up. or is it breaking down. wanted to get past this day normally. now it starts, abnormally. swell of emotions. mixed up emotions. anger. sadness. yearning. hopelessness. pissedness. torn. empty. broken. a great scream seem to come from deep within and ending in a soundless cry.
i really have no idea how to express this now. the past is gone. let it go. you did enjoy yourself and you hated it as well. it was good but not as good as it should have been. should be six years now. but all there is now is nothing. not even a kind word when we parted. perhaps there was. i don't remember. i know i lost days when it happened. don't know what i was doing. don't know what happened. just slowly reawaken to a dull life devoided of color. devoided of purpose.
it's just a date. meaningless. like birthdays. a date to signify a day long past. yet it holds me captive. it was a day to celebrate. to have fun and enjoy ourselves. to love each other more and to affirm our commitment to better future. all is naught.
will not cry. will not break down. will be strong and go on. i have alot to do today. alot to acheive.
will not go on about this. it's pointless. i hate it. shadows of a dream long gone. all left are ashes. cold. dark. empty.
ken is an archer. you left.
.-ken
today, it ends.
'don't speak, i know what you're thinking..i don't need your reasons, don't tell me cause it hurts..'-No Doubt
breaking up. or is it breaking down. wanted to get past this day normally. now it starts, abnormally. swell of emotions. mixed up emotions. anger. sadness. yearning. hopelessness. pissedness. torn. empty. broken. a great scream seem to come from deep within and ending in a soundless cry.
i really have no idea how to express this now. the past is gone. let it go. you did enjoy yourself and you hated it as well. it was good but not as good as it should have been. should be six years now. but all there is now is nothing. not even a kind word when we parted. perhaps there was. i don't remember. i know i lost days when it happened. don't know what i was doing. don't know what happened. just slowly reawaken to a dull life devoided of color. devoided of purpose.
it's just a date. meaningless. like birthdays. a date to signify a day long past. yet it holds me captive. it was a day to celebrate. to have fun and enjoy ourselves. to love each other more and to affirm our commitment to better future. all is naught.
will not cry. will not break down. will be strong and go on. i have alot to do today. alot to acheive.
will not go on about this. it's pointless. i hate it. shadows of a dream long gone. all left are ashes. cold. dark. empty.
ken is an archer. you left.
.-ken
today, it ends.
'don't speak, i know what you're thinking..i don't need your reasons, don't tell me cause it hurts..'-No Doubt
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
between heaven and hell
in between extremes.
no idea what to do. what to feel. and i mean about everything in my life. don't know to shoot not. go where to shoot. why. now. what to eat. what to wear. everything. no needs. no wants. nothing. what am i to do? i feel as if i am waiting for something to happen. but what? it's like should be fine but i am not. if i think about my problems should be in VERY bad state. but i am not.
did not post anything the last entry. wanted to put something. wanted to express myself. realise that i have nothing to say. or rather no idea what to put out. many thoughts? or no thoughts? no idea. what a mess. or is there no mess? haha.. should think less and do more. but do what?
my job is done. a job well done. did well to get people where they want to go. helped people. gave people a chance at a better tomorrow in certain aspects of their lives. now i got not much to do. only my own dream to chase. i should be doing that. but i feel the emptiness. the pointlessness.
i have to get going. get myself going. get my dreams on the way. i can do it. need something to kick start me. to get me going on the way. haha. i seem to need that once a week or so. i guess i have to get myself going.
very confused about myself now. don't know about myself. my dreams abit fuzzy now. people have more faith on me than me. i wish i feel that kind of confidence. i know that i can and i will. but i don't feel it. and that makes my effort more tiring and less rewarding. i'll just get on with it. hope for a better tomorrow.
can be worse. can be better. should be worse. yet also should be better. just being.
messed-ken
messy life. messy mind.
'you've come so far, don't throw it away. live believing, dreams are for weaving. wonders are waiting to start..'-Diana Ross
no idea what to do. what to feel. and i mean about everything in my life. don't know to shoot not. go where to shoot. why. now. what to eat. what to wear. everything. no needs. no wants. nothing. what am i to do? i feel as if i am waiting for something to happen. but what? it's like should be fine but i am not. if i think about my problems should be in VERY bad state. but i am not.
did not post anything the last entry. wanted to put something. wanted to express myself. realise that i have nothing to say. or rather no idea what to put out. many thoughts? or no thoughts? no idea. what a mess. or is there no mess? haha.. should think less and do more. but do what?
my job is done. a job well done. did well to get people where they want to go. helped people. gave people a chance at a better tomorrow in certain aspects of their lives. now i got not much to do. only my own dream to chase. i should be doing that. but i feel the emptiness. the pointlessness.
i have to get going. get myself going. get my dreams on the way. i can do it. need something to kick start me. to get me going on the way. haha. i seem to need that once a week or so. i guess i have to get myself going.
very confused about myself now. don't know about myself. my dreams abit fuzzy now. people have more faith on me than me. i wish i feel that kind of confidence. i know that i can and i will. but i don't feel it. and that makes my effort more tiring and less rewarding. i'll just get on with it. hope for a better tomorrow.
can be worse. can be better. should be worse. yet also should be better. just being.
messed-ken
messy life. messy mind.
'you've come so far, don't throw it away. live believing, dreams are for weaving. wonders are waiting to start..'-Diana Ross
Monday, September 06, 2004
Friday, September 03, 2004
edward scissorhands
who knows what we go through?
we are all different. we have different joys and different pains. i was down and up and down again. why? i do not know. nothing's seriously wrong with my life. just feeling depressed. want to go on. but can't. something's holding me back. something lacking.
realise i really really like to hang out with someone. awesome friend? or something more? i don't really want to think about it. too far away. too far apart in many sense. i can understand her but no idea if she understands me. just happy being around and doing anything or nothing. spontaneous. not like joyous, just satisfied. guess i'll forever wonder how she feels. did fun things. did normal stuff. held her hand. held her. don't know how she feels. want to find out. yet. pointless. worlds apart. somewhere out there. and leaving on a jet plane.
confused. again. where do i go from here. step by step closer to my dream. but my life is lacking. i know now how it feels to be up there alone. not that i'm up there, just that can understand the feeling. the pointlessness when it all ends. my life have only two directions now, shoot and coach. will get a job soon. but that's to allow me to shoot. no idea what will come. don't really matter. i'll survive. i'll endure and i'll get there. with or without you. whoever you may be.
mad. going madder. haha. madder. are we not all mad? why do we live this sad existance? or am i the only sad one. and without reason as well. i know people care. my mom, my friends. but if i don't know what i am sad about. what can i do? facing life as usual. still doing what i do and doing it as i do. but inside, i'm crying. i'm dying. want to break down on my knees and cry. to weep in a gentle embrace.
wilting. fading. but i'll survive. like the flowers freezing in winter and blooming when spring arrives. i await my spring. when i can bloom and share the miracle of life.
stabbed-ken
stab, twist and yanked. empty wound. heartbreaks have no scars.
'so steal my heart and take the pain..wash the feet and cleanse my pride..take the selfish, take the weak..and all the things I cannot hide..take the beauty, take my tears..the sin-soaked heart and make it yours'-Jars of Clay
we are all different. we have different joys and different pains. i was down and up and down again. why? i do not know. nothing's seriously wrong with my life. just feeling depressed. want to go on. but can't. something's holding me back. something lacking.
realise i really really like to hang out with someone. awesome friend? or something more? i don't really want to think about it. too far away. too far apart in many sense. i can understand her but no idea if she understands me. just happy being around and doing anything or nothing. spontaneous. not like joyous, just satisfied. guess i'll forever wonder how she feels. did fun things. did normal stuff. held her hand. held her. don't know how she feels. want to find out. yet. pointless. worlds apart. somewhere out there. and leaving on a jet plane.
confused. again. where do i go from here. step by step closer to my dream. but my life is lacking. i know now how it feels to be up there alone. not that i'm up there, just that can understand the feeling. the pointlessness when it all ends. my life have only two directions now, shoot and coach. will get a job soon. but that's to allow me to shoot. no idea what will come. don't really matter. i'll survive. i'll endure and i'll get there. with or without you. whoever you may be.
mad. going madder. haha. madder. are we not all mad? why do we live this sad existance? or am i the only sad one. and without reason as well. i know people care. my mom, my friends. but if i don't know what i am sad about. what can i do? facing life as usual. still doing what i do and doing it as i do. but inside, i'm crying. i'm dying. want to break down on my knees and cry. to weep in a gentle embrace.
wilting. fading. but i'll survive. like the flowers freezing in winter and blooming when spring arrives. i await my spring. when i can bloom and share the miracle of life.
stabbed-ken
stab, twist and yanked. empty wound. heartbreaks have no scars.
'so steal my heart and take the pain..wash the feet and cleanse my pride..take the selfish, take the weak..and all the things I cannot hide..take the beauty, take my tears..the sin-soaked heart and make it yours'-Jars of Clay
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