watch this.

even if it's the only online clip you'll watch today.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/diebold_accidentally_leaks

rant

i need to rant. i don't know what else to do.

i cannot get my mind on anytihng proper.

i feel like running till i drop..walking till i get lost. being in pain till i die.

only when i am lost and my life is empty do this blog seems a solace. for it is where i can rant. where i know not many will read. where i can rty to put the pain and emptiness into words and make them more real. more than they already am. so that somehow i can understand it better.

but it's as temporal as time. it's there. it happens. but what is it? why does it happen? why can't i do something about it?

i wish i had not head..then i cannot think..if i had no heart then it won't be empty. emptied by myself!

those who have loved and lost...knows what i mean. those who don't. i wish you have the good God's graces to not experience it.

sleepless

yeah..been a while since i've been like this. didn't have a reason to. pretty nice and calm life. going on and going somewhere.

now..not really going anywhere. at least nowhere that i want to go.

somewhere in me..i wanted to get drunk. really really drunk for the first time in my life..get myself so wacked that i wouldn't know if i was a boy or a girl. but then..something else told me not to get stupider. that's the idea. stay away from it. stay sober. be good. and i did. watched an incredibly interesting show with a total of TWO actors. then took a bus home. read a book. and now pretty awake.

and still feeling empty.

i don't know if things are going to get better. i can only pray and hope and wish and really really want it to happen. though what i want have no effect on reality, as things have proven in the past.

i know i can and will get better. but in some ways i don't want to get better. i want to mope. i want to be sad. i want to have enough of my own nonsense. i miss her. i love her. i want to miss and love her. for the rest of my life. that's what i want.

still..i don't know what'll happen. i've been a fool and lucky. and not so lucky..but still a fool.

i think i am going nuts. i feel like dying. in shame. in grief. in a bad way. in a car crash. i thought about it. i'd rob a cabby, drive myself into a wall. literally. pretty simple. quick. and quite sure of dismise.

but that's that.

i hope it's not over. that i can make up for it somehow. that i can make my words come true and keep my promise. i want to make things beautiful and nice. simple and solid. if i get the chance.

God..in your mercy..hear my prayers.

miserable

as miserable as i expect it to be.

only solace was when i was in church when i was focused on God's word. and when i was reading, in church grounds.

after talking to a church staff, i volunteered to be an usher for a day per month for the 5pm service. i guess, i really should start serving.

a pastorial staff came up and talked to me today. just before service. did i look that bothered? or was God providing for my needs? i believe the latter. after service i had a little talk with the staff. there's not much i can do. only pray. Thank you God. Thank you David.

i keep saying it. i mean it alot. i always meant it. i love you, dear. i love you and you are dear to me. i am sorry.

empty

wishing you were somehow here again..
wishing you were somehow near..
-Phantom Of The Opera

why did it happen again?

the mexican

Look, when two people love each other, totally, truthfully, all the way love each other, the answer to that questionis simple, especially in your case. When do you get to that point where enough is enough?

Never.

Never.

i keep thinking about this few lines in this show i watch many years ago.

i am boy and a man. both stupid and a jerk.

would i feel hurt if the roles are reversed? yes. all this while, all these things, all these nonsense..would i still believe? i cannot truthfully answer, i am not under the same stress and position. i think i will still believe. i think. why? i never want to give up. perhaps i am stupid. or just saying cause it's easy to say. i don't know..really. i believe i would carry on.

i am lost. i don't really know myself. i want to do this and want to do that. what is more important? i never think. i just did as things came along.

regrets?yes.
pain?yes.
anything i can do now?no. all in God's hand.

sorry doesn't cut it. but it's all i have now. sorry.

i beg for anothing chance. forgive me. once more. one last chance.
i miss you..dear. <3

space

for rant.

that's what this blog start out as and now it shall be again.

i love how the french wants to outlaw some stuff.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080415/ap_on_he_me/france_anorexia;_ylt=AlEdFnpacw_av4Hf5oUjbH2s0NUE

so..tibet is slowly starting to fade from world view..slowly.
there are human-rights abuses almost everywhere. why did tibet suddenly become a hot topic? the exile-government. political hounds or chameleon.
IF the west are so concerned, why don't they start doing something about US and the self-admited torture of prisoners? what about the abuse in Saudi, that's been going on for so many years?
politics and money. nothing's new i guess. same old rot-gut world.

not much new in my life. coaching, trying to shoot. trying to save up to study. getting tired and feeling old. nothing new here too..

move along.. ..

Earth in crisis

http://www.physorg.com/news126761406.html

and of course there are some who value money more than anything else in the world, who tries to mislead policy makers and governments about it.

In God We Trust

http://www.slashfilm.com/2008/02/25/cool-stuff-jason-reitmans-short-film-in-god-we-trust/

nice watch.