name:Ang Cee Wei (Ang is my family name) 洪诗玮
given:Ken
dob:06111980
zodiac:scorpio
horoscope:monkey
religion:recently christian, was agnostic
blood type:b+
sex:male
gender:male
height:180cm
weight:72-77kg
eyes:black?
hair:black?
education:dip in IT
job:coach, archer
likes:good food, music, movie, company.
dislikes:discords, wars, idiots who start them.
dreams:olympics, national coach after that, someone to share my life with, less wars, more love.
bestest people in life:mommy, LL, twincat, carrotcakejosh, D, uncle tang, all my friends actually.
too much:worries, fears, things to do.
too little:time, money, discipline, love.
want to do now:sleep. but insomnia
want to do later:wake up happy.
date:31052005
time:0206
killed someone?:did.
...
on my knees, i pray. for forgiveness and peace. i have sinned..i have wronged. God..please take away my pains. please let me into your embrace. i am weak. every moment i need you more. give me strength that i may lead. grant me wisdom that i may teach. be my wings that i may soar.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
thoughts
sedated weekend.
skipped all nats training. knowing i might now even be able to complete the trainings and i might not be nats team anymore. disappointed and sad. tried so hard to come here and now have to leave it.
should go read up on william blake's pieces. i find them insightful and thought provoking. i especially like auguries of innocence.
the below test. when i saw it i thought to myself i should be utilitarian, and so i am. i know i am such do the best thing i know how to. it does not mean i don't make mistakes or do something wrong..it's just my intentions are such. oh well..nothing really stands out..probably cause i am quite mixed about morality and not conforming to one rule. instead more like a fusion of a few ideas and concept of what is right.
i believe many of the basis for your life's philosophy can exist at the same time. though of course there are some which will be opposites or close enough that they cannot exist in one person. example, believing in God does not mean you cannot be a kantian. but that would mean you are not totally a kantian and would disbelieve about some of kant's concepts.
another thing i would like to bring up is that doing what is good may not be the right thing and vice versa. define good as make people happy and well. right as follow rules and laws and commandments. easy to s@@ that it may not always be parrellel. but then people might not defien it such and therefore arguable.
sleep pattern all screwed..again..haha.. i mentioned to some that i would be best suited to days of 30 hours. sleep6 wake12 sleep4 wake8.. i always do that. and now 0630..nothing much to do. there's just this period of time that i cannot sleep..unless i am really tired. not everyday i can be that tired. oh well..will try to adjust again.
patience..waiting. my life now is now consisting of waiting for things to happen. doing what i can..what i should. more to come depends on others. my strong point and also my mistake, mayhaps. endure. persist. overcome.
[jam 5:8] be ye also patient; stablish your hearts: for the coming of the Lord draweth nigh.
'wishing you were somehow here again...
wishing you were somehow near...
sometimes it seemed if i just dreamed,
somehow you would be here...
wishing i could hear your voice again...'-Phantom of the Opera
skipped all nats training. knowing i might now even be able to complete the trainings and i might not be nats team anymore. disappointed and sad. tried so hard to come here and now have to leave it.
should go read up on william blake's pieces. i find them insightful and thought provoking. i especially like auguries of innocence.
the below test. when i saw it i thought to myself i should be utilitarian, and so i am. i know i am such do the best thing i know how to. it does not mean i don't make mistakes or do something wrong..it's just my intentions are such. oh well..nothing really stands out..probably cause i am quite mixed about morality and not conforming to one rule. instead more like a fusion of a few ideas and concept of what is right.
i believe many of the basis for your life's philosophy can exist at the same time. though of course there are some which will be opposites or close enough that they cannot exist in one person. example, believing in God does not mean you cannot be a kantian. but that would mean you are not totally a kantian and would disbelieve about some of kant's concepts.
another thing i would like to bring up is that doing what is good may not be the right thing and vice versa. define good as make people happy and well. right as follow rules and laws and commandments. easy to s@@ that it may not always be parrellel. but then people might not defien it such and therefore arguable.
sleep pattern all screwed..again..haha.. i mentioned to some that i would be best suited to days of 30 hours. sleep6 wake12 sleep4 wake8.. i always do that. and now 0630..nothing much to do. there's just this period of time that i cannot sleep..unless i am really tired. not everyday i can be that tired. oh well..will try to adjust again.
patience..waiting. my life now is now consisting of waiting for things to happen. doing what i can..what i should. more to come depends on others. my strong point and also my mistake, mayhaps. endure. persist. overcome.
[jam 5:8] be ye also patient; stablish your hearts: for the coming of the Lord draweth nigh.
'wishing you were somehow here again...
wishing you were somehow near...
sometimes it seemed if i just dreamed,
somehow you would be here...
wishing i could hear your voice again...'-Phantom of the Opera
quiz week or something..
| You scored as Utilitarianism. Your life is guided by the principles of Utilitarianism: You seek the greatest good for the greatest number. “The said truth is that it is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong.” --Jeremy Bentham “Whenever the general disposition of the people is such, that each individual regards those only of his interests which are selfish, and does not dwell on, or concern himself for, his share of the general interest, in such a state of things, good government is impossible.” --John Stuart Mill More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...
What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com |
Friday, May 27, 2005
giving it up
after much delibration, i decided to let it go.
given a chance at something else. which i know i can be quite good at. good chance with good prospects in time to come. give up my dream. couldn't sleep for sOoo..many nights cause of this decision. even though i know it's the prudent thing to do and probably a good thing for me no matter what i decide to do in the future, it is devastating for me.
last time whenever i think about it, i will just start to cry. yes i am emotional. it is a big BIG part of my life. almost the only thing i live for for some times in my life. though now i am more stable and feel better about things and having more faith, it is still a major turning point for me. i trust that GOD have led me in the right direction and trying to do otherwise will lead to misery.
the below test..let me mention some stuffs..i know stuffS is wrong..but stuff and more stuff..therefore stuffS!!=)
highs are..
'peter-pan complex'-want to stay young..haha..that's me..
'intellectual'-hmm..i hope so..
'cautiousness'-over cautious, i am.
'physical security'-i simply..don't care at all.=)
lows..
'hedonism'-i don't like pleasure?? hmm..
'wealth'-i don't like money?? ermm..ok la..enough is enough..but how much is enough??hehe..
'food indulgent'-i don't like good food??this is off. totally.
anyway..hope i can get on well. something else bothering me. but patience i guess. i hope i pray. it's all heart for me. i don't need much. just let me know..anyway it goes. please.
treasure the love you receive above all. it will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished. - Og Mandino
[Proverbs 3, 5-6 ], trust in the LORD with all your heartand lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will direct your paths.
all i have is given. all i can i do to my bestest knowledge. the rest is up to you my lord. lead me to wherever you please.
given a chance at something else. which i know i can be quite good at. good chance with good prospects in time to come. give up my dream. couldn't sleep for sOoo..many nights cause of this decision. even though i know it's the prudent thing to do and probably a good thing for me no matter what i decide to do in the future, it is devastating for me.
last time whenever i think about it, i will just start to cry. yes i am emotional. it is a big BIG part of my life. almost the only thing i live for for some times in my life. though now i am more stable and feel better about things and having more faith, it is still a major turning point for me. i trust that GOD have led me in the right direction and trying to do otherwise will lead to misery.
the below test..let me mention some stuffs..i know stuffS is wrong..but stuff and more stuff..therefore stuffS!!=)
highs are..
'peter-pan complex'-want to stay young..haha..that's me..
'intellectual'-hmm..i hope so..
'cautiousness'-over cautious, i am.
'physical security'-i simply..don't care at all.=)
lows..
'hedonism'-i don't like pleasure?? hmm..
'wealth'-i don't like money?? ermm..ok la..enough is enough..but how much is enough??hehe..
'food indulgent'-i don't like good food??this is off. totally.
anyway..hope i can get on well. something else bothering me. but patience i guess. i hope i pray. it's all heart for me. i don't need much. just let me know..anyway it goes. please.
treasure the love you receive above all. it will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished. - Og Mandino
[Proverbs 3, 5-6 ], trust in the LORD with all your heartand lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will direct your paths.
all i have is given. all i can i do to my bestest knowledge. the rest is up to you my lord. lead me to wherever you please.
testing
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
pissed
so many things. so sudden.
all change. plans all out the window.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
all change. plans all out the window.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Monday, May 23, 2005
brained
You Are 25% Left Brained, 75% Right Brained |
The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
sad facts
i am being killed at home slowly.
all the smoke that my dad and brother emits from their smoking. i hate it..especially when i have sore throat, like now. spend money to burn some grass, chemicals, whatever..to make you unhealthy. probably die faster and make people around you die faster as well. irrate. should be banned for reasons of humanity. instead it's being tolerated, cause of the monies to be gained from their taxes..and probably pay offs by the tobacco companies. then stupid people have to get 'addicted' to them. it's just a habit like any other habit..they can be kicked. difficult? probably..cause you are sOOoo..dependant on that death stick!!! spend money where it could be used for better things.
then they drink too. as if smoking comes together with drinking like a package deal. my dad about two bottles a day..brother about there too..sometimes more..never less. even when got no money to pay bills..will still have money for drinks and smoke.
hai..if we calculate simply. 10 for drinks per day. 10 for smoke per day. times 2 person. that's a total of 40 per day. one month would be 1200. ARGH!!!
no one can hear me scream cause it's all inside.
with eyes but they won't see.
have ears but they won't hear.
with brains but they cannot think.
'they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
with a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swingin' hot spot
don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
they took all the trees, and put em in a tree museum
and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them
no, no, no don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise, and put up a parking lot
hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT
i don't care about spots on my apples,
leave me the birds and the bees
please don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
hey now, they paved paradise to put up a parking lot
why not?'-Counting Crows
all the smoke that my dad and brother emits from their smoking. i hate it..especially when i have sore throat, like now. spend money to burn some grass, chemicals, whatever..to make you unhealthy. probably die faster and make people around you die faster as well. irrate. should be banned for reasons of humanity. instead it's being tolerated, cause of the monies to be gained from their taxes..and probably pay offs by the tobacco companies. then stupid people have to get 'addicted' to them. it's just a habit like any other habit..they can be kicked. difficult? probably..cause you are sOOoo..dependant on that death stick!!! spend money where it could be used for better things.
then they drink too. as if smoking comes together with drinking like a package deal. my dad about two bottles a day..brother about there too..sometimes more..never less. even when got no money to pay bills..will still have money for drinks and smoke.
hai..if we calculate simply. 10 for drinks per day. 10 for smoke per day. times 2 person. that's a total of 40 per day. one month would be 1200. ARGH!!!
no one can hear me scream cause it's all inside.
with eyes but they won't see.
have ears but they won't hear.
with brains but they cannot think.
'they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
with a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swingin' hot spot
don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
they took all the trees, and put em in a tree museum
and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them
no, no, no don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise, and put up a parking lot
hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT
i don't care about spots on my apples,
leave me the birds and the bees
please don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
hey now, they paved paradise to put up a parking lot
why not?'-Counting Crows
Sunday, May 22, 2005
steps
everything takes time. has it's own time.
nice place TJ have. lotsa food and drinks on his birthday. hope you have a great year and enjoyed your birthday. (don't think he knows my blog..but..)
step by step. take my time to do what i feel is right.
heart man. it's all heart.
'your mind will take you far
the rest is just pure heart
you'll find your fate is all your own creation
every boy and girl
as they come into this world
they bring the gift of hope and inspiration'-Celine Dion
nice place TJ have. lotsa food and drinks on his birthday. hope you have a great year and enjoyed your birthday. (don't think he knows my blog..but..)
step by step. take my time to do what i feel is right.
heart man. it's all heart.
'your mind will take you far
the rest is just pure heart
you'll find your fate is all your own creation
every boy and girl
as they come into this world
they bring the gift of hope and inspiration'-Celine Dion
Sith codes
"Peace Is A Lie.
There Is Only Passion.
Through Passion I Gain Strength.
Through Strength I Gain Power.
Through Power I Gain Victory.
Through Victory,My Chains Are Broken.
The force shall free me."
-The Sith Code, as in some books and games.
There is no peace, there is anger.
There is no fear, there is power.
There is no death, there is immortality.
There is no weakness, there is the darkside.
I am the heart of darkness,I know no fear,
Rather, I instill it in my enemies.
I am the destroyer of worlds,I know the power of the darkside.
I am the fire of hate,
The galaxy bows before me,I pledge myself to the darkness.
For my failure I offer my life,
For I have found true life,In the death of the light.
-Another Sith code, found somewhere.. .. ..
There Is Only Passion.
Through Passion I Gain Strength.
Through Strength I Gain Power.
Through Power I Gain Victory.
Through Victory,My Chains Are Broken.
The force shall free me."
-The Sith Code, as in some books and games.
There is no peace, there is anger.
There is no fear, there is power.
There is no death, there is immortality.
There is no weakness, there is the darkside.
I am the heart of darkness,I know no fear,
Rather, I instill it in my enemies.
I am the destroyer of worlds,I know the power of the darkside.
I am the fire of hate,
The galaxy bows before me,I pledge myself to the darkness.
For my failure I offer my life,
For I have found true life,In the death of the light.
-Another Sith code, found somewhere.. .. ..
personality
did this before..now again..
hey..seems like i have less problems now!! haha..
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | Moderate |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | Low |
| Narcissistic: | Low |
| Avoidant: | Low |
| Dependent: | Moderate |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Low |
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information -- | |
hey..seems like i have less problems now!! haha..
Saturday, May 21, 2005
twisted
twisted my ankle today while playing 'goodminton'.
was playing fine and all. pretty good..managed to beat all the TP people..then came daryl. my mentor in badminton. trashed me 7:1 i think. then after a moment's rest i match with him again..managed to make him do stupid mistakes and par with him at 6:6..then i twisted my ankle recieving one of his super fast smashes on my left side..to recieve it had to twist my torso over and balance on my left ankle while it's twisted..then i removed weight from my right leg. my weight caused the injury.
my ankles and knees had alot of injuries from last time. soccer, soccer, soccer and basketball. easily injured now. remebered why i stop playing games that require reflexes..i will get injured easily..oh well..should heal in about a week..
life's quite alright i suppose. shooting seems fine..lack stamina and endurance. skill wise i feels as if i improved abit..keeping my mind on doing what i want. sOo..that's good. not shooting much..slowly increasing the amount..sOo..that's good. trying to be less stupid and stubborn. we'll s@@ how i go eh?=)
some part of me tells me it's ok. things will be alright..still i worry sometimes.things that we want that we don't have..we think of ways to ensure we get it..but sometimes i feel we should just let it go and take whatever that comes to us in life, all the while doing our best to reach our goal.
patience. perserverance. determination.
quite contradictery..but it's like do your best and accept that life is not always a bed of roses and effort don't equals results. we will get our dues..
Psa 18:24 Therefore hath the LORD recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his eyesight.
trust in things to come. everything happen..good or bad..you don't know..till the fat lady sings..
'多少次 迎著冷眼與嘲笑
從沒有放棄過心中的理想'-Beyond
was playing fine and all. pretty good..managed to beat all the TP people..then came daryl. my mentor in badminton. trashed me 7:1 i think. then after a moment's rest i match with him again..managed to make him do stupid mistakes and par with him at 6:6..then i twisted my ankle recieving one of his super fast smashes on my left side..to recieve it had to twist my torso over and balance on my left ankle while it's twisted..then i removed weight from my right leg. my weight caused the injury.
my ankles and knees had alot of injuries from last time. soccer, soccer, soccer and basketball. easily injured now. remebered why i stop playing games that require reflexes..i will get injured easily..oh well..should heal in about a week..
life's quite alright i suppose. shooting seems fine..lack stamina and endurance. skill wise i feels as if i improved abit..keeping my mind on doing what i want. sOo..that's good. not shooting much..slowly increasing the amount..sOo..that's good. trying to be less stupid and stubborn. we'll s@@ how i go eh?=)
some part of me tells me it's ok. things will be alright..still i worry sometimes.things that we want that we don't have..we think of ways to ensure we get it..but sometimes i feel we should just let it go and take whatever that comes to us in life, all the while doing our best to reach our goal.
patience. perserverance. determination.
quite contradictery..but it's like do your best and accept that life is not always a bed of roses and effort don't equals results. we will get our dues..
Psa 18:24 Therefore hath the LORD recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his eyesight.
trust in things to come. everything happen..good or bad..you don't know..till the fat lady sings..
'多少次 迎著冷眼與嘲笑
從沒有放棄過心中的理想'-Beyond
Friday, May 20, 2005
star wars
watched it twice so far.
have to say i am more than slightly disappointed. overall i would give it a 6/10. feel of the movie, bad timings/pacing, crap script, tough job fitting storyline to join the plot together though, sub-standard directing/acting, effects/sound/music was good. lots of bad scenes and some good shots. more bad than good..sOo..my rating.
maybe i am just expecting more from STAR WARS..but after much contemplation i think that's not the case. i feel it's just too shody..not given enough thought. there are REALLY some movies which did better with less..but that's me. oh well..hope he stops trashing it..enough is enough. with mini-series coming out..man..is he hard up for cash?
my life been pretty normal..even the bouts of depression is normal i guess. don't really forsee it getting better anytime sOon. but working on it. will push on about what i hope to do for this coming two-three years. getting things done and being more stable should solve some of it..
been studying the bible. been thinking about things it teaches. follow my feelings..
starting to get back to shooting..shoulder mostly healed i feel. not much pain when using it now..slight disjointness at certain angles..will continue with what i have been doing and hope it's enough to heal it completely.
in silence I wait
to hear your words of hope.
days pass not to wait
but time seems to stop.
i'm surrounded by eminent silence
my heart visions hope.
waiting pours out it's incense
as i dwell on what might be your thoughts.
though my hope's hope, hopes against hope,
you are forever my thoughts.
for in hope there is no stopping
till your words from your heart hit home.-Waiting, Agape Justin Oforo
all things have their own time and place. patience.
2Cr 1:4
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
have to say i am more than slightly disappointed. overall i would give it a 6/10. feel of the movie, bad timings/pacing, crap script, tough job fitting storyline to join the plot together though, sub-standard directing/acting, effects/sound/music was good. lots of bad scenes and some good shots. more bad than good..sOo..my rating.
maybe i am just expecting more from STAR WARS..but after much contemplation i think that's not the case. i feel it's just too shody..not given enough thought. there are REALLY some movies which did better with less..but that's me. oh well..hope he stops trashing it..enough is enough. with mini-series coming out..man..is he hard up for cash?
my life been pretty normal..even the bouts of depression is normal i guess. don't really forsee it getting better anytime sOon. but working on it. will push on about what i hope to do for this coming two-three years. getting things done and being more stable should solve some of it..
been studying the bible. been thinking about things it teaches. follow my feelings..
starting to get back to shooting..shoulder mostly healed i feel. not much pain when using it now..slight disjointness at certain angles..will continue with what i have been doing and hope it's enough to heal it completely.
in silence I wait
to hear your words of hope.
days pass not to wait
but time seems to stop.
i'm surrounded by eminent silence
my heart visions hope.
waiting pours out it's incense
as i dwell on what might be your thoughts.
though my hope's hope, hopes against hope,
you are forever my thoughts.
for in hope there is no stopping
till your words from your heart hit home.-Waiting, Agape Justin Oforo
all things have their own time and place. patience.
2Cr 1:4
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
sin cities
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | High |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | High |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Moderate |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Low |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Very Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Low |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Very Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Low |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Moderate |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Very Low |
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
rants
cannot fall asleep again. been days since i slept well. body is aching all over. cannot really shoot sOo i push myself to run and do other exercises. went gym after a two weeks break..body feels like breaking apart..haha..expected actually..but still uncomfortable.
guess my mind is really thinking about things..worrying and trying to figure things out as usual. reading the bible helps some..and yet create some problems as well. concepts..ideas..learnings..alot to think through..hai..wish that things were simpler. if i was not at this level of intelligence it would be good. if i am more intelligent i would maybe be smart enough to not get into so much troubles..get my life organised better..do things more efficiently or something like that..if i was less intelligent..then i would not know so many things and try to learn and understand and help and just listen to people and just do what is simply seemingly good without complications. sOo..i think either way would make me a happier person. but then..who would know. hah. nonsense as usual.
i am cruel. i am uncaring. i am stupid. i am stubborn. i don't care. i am amoral. i am wicked. i am evil. i am so many things that's bad.
i don't deserve anything good. being happy. being worryless. being rich. being satisfied. being at peace. being simply me. nope..all that will not happen for me..cause i am evil. i just hope i die soon..the world have better hope without me around..i think..
air-con will kill us all. we turn it on to cool a room. which in turn make the outside hotter..which makes us want to use more air-con everywhere and make it cooler as well. it takes energy to make a room cool and outside hotter..to get energy we creates heat when it is generated at the power generator thingies.. sOOoo...by using air-con we make ourselves more dependant on it and therefore will use more energy to cool the place we are at and destroy the planet as a whole with all the heat we are generating.
well done humans!!! another innovative way to kill our planet and future!!!
it's been a long while since i felt even comfortable and just me. someone who is in a wal. at peace..curious..learning and teaching. everyday i go out to be happy. i make myself happy by being around people. people ask me for advise..ask me for things..ask me for whatever..i cannot be =( when i am with people..else i cannot help them. so i BE happy. but whenever i am alone..it strikes. depression..what can i do? i thought i was out of it..then thigns happen..again and again..this uphill task is drowning me. my faith and trust and belief is wearing thin..really. again and again..nearly 6 years now..i think. i know i can survive..the lord will not allow me to fall unless it's time for me to. he will watch after me and ease my pain and sorrows..but still it is not easy to bear. i can understand why some people end themselves. the hurt seems unending.
home? i have no home i feel..just a place to go to to bath..sleep..use computer..put things.. the only person i feel is family is my mom. maybe i have trouble trusting and being close to people? no one else comes close. but even with my mom..i almost never tell her anything. whenever my mom goes over to malaysia..i feel scared. so alone.
there's a pain in me that is threatening to overwhelm me.
no answers forthcoming. no end in sight. no one to help me i think. it's me and the world.
'oh para paradise..是否那麼重要..
你是否那麼地遙遠..'-Beyond
guess my mind is really thinking about things..worrying and trying to figure things out as usual. reading the bible helps some..and yet create some problems as well. concepts..ideas..learnings..alot to think through..hai..wish that things were simpler. if i was not at this level of intelligence it would be good. if i am more intelligent i would maybe be smart enough to not get into so much troubles..get my life organised better..do things more efficiently or something like that..if i was less intelligent..then i would not know so many things and try to learn and understand and help and just listen to people and just do what is simply seemingly good without complications. sOo..i think either way would make me a happier person. but then..who would know. hah. nonsense as usual.
i am cruel. i am uncaring. i am stupid. i am stubborn. i don't care. i am amoral. i am wicked. i am evil. i am so many things that's bad.
i don't deserve anything good. being happy. being worryless. being rich. being satisfied. being at peace. being simply me. nope..all that will not happen for me..cause i am evil. i just hope i die soon..the world have better hope without me around..i think..
air-con will kill us all. we turn it on to cool a room. which in turn make the outside hotter..which makes us want to use more air-con everywhere and make it cooler as well. it takes energy to make a room cool and outside hotter..to get energy we creates heat when it is generated at the power generator thingies.. sOOoo...by using air-con we make ourselves more dependant on it and therefore will use more energy to cool the place we are at and destroy the planet as a whole with all the heat we are generating.
well done humans!!! another innovative way to kill our planet and future!!!
it's been a long while since i felt even comfortable and just me. someone who is in a wal. at peace..curious..learning and teaching. everyday i go out to be happy. i make myself happy by being around people. people ask me for advise..ask me for things..ask me for whatever..i cannot be =( when i am with people..else i cannot help them. so i BE happy. but whenever i am alone..it strikes. depression..what can i do? i thought i was out of it..then thigns happen..again and again..this uphill task is drowning me. my faith and trust and belief is wearing thin..really. again and again..nearly 6 years now..i think. i know i can survive..the lord will not allow me to fall unless it's time for me to. he will watch after me and ease my pain and sorrows..but still it is not easy to bear. i can understand why some people end themselves. the hurt seems unending.
home? i have no home i feel..just a place to go to to bath..sleep..use computer..put things.. the only person i feel is family is my mom. maybe i have trouble trusting and being close to people? no one else comes close. but even with my mom..i almost never tell her anything. whenever my mom goes over to malaysia..i feel scared. so alone.
there's a pain in me that is threatening to overwhelm me.
no answers forthcoming. no end in sight. no one to help me i think. it's me and the world.
'oh para paradise..是否那麼重要..
你是否那麼地遙遠..'-Beyond
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
amazing grace
amazing Grace,
how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now, I see.
remembered this from my secondary school days. always liked it.=)
hearing it on bagpipes now from Braveheart soundtrack.
how sweet the sound
how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
i once was lost but now am found,
was blind, but now, I see.
remembered this from my secondary school days. always liked it.=)
hearing it on bagpipes now from Braveheart soundtrack.
how sweet the sound
Monday, May 16, 2005
changes. part deus.
decided on more changes in my life.
big change. scary. worried. sad. turn around from where my dream lies. hopefully this change will better me and prepare me better for my dream as well.
been out the whole day just slacking..thinking..wondering..pondering..realised alot of things about my world. needs some change..and i will. get out of comfort zone and get going.
Psa 5:8
Lead me, O LORD, in thy righteousness because of mine enemies; make thy way straight before my face.
not giving up my dreams..just looking at life in the face and realised there are plenty much i should be doing..so i do.
choices. we can have no perfect actions. only perfect intentions.
big change. scary. worried. sad. turn around from where my dream lies. hopefully this change will better me and prepare me better for my dream as well.
been out the whole day just slacking..thinking..wondering..pondering..realised alot of things about my world. needs some change..and i will. get out of comfort zone and get going.
Psa 5:8
Lead me, O LORD, in thy righteousness because of mine enemies; make thy way straight before my face.
not giving up my dreams..just looking at life in the face and realised there are plenty much i should be doing..so i do.
choices. we can have no perfect actions. only perfect intentions.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
i
who am i to you? all of you?
is this meant to be never-ending? feeling pain once every so often?
plans made for the rest of the year. step back in some areas, and step forward in some. hope i make the right choices. after being shoved so much, it's time i give in to some advise and listen to what i am told.
1Cr 13:13
And now abideth faith, hope and love, these three; but the greatest of these [is] love.
foolish boy
is this meant to be never-ending? feeling pain once every so often?
plans made for the rest of the year. step back in some areas, and step forward in some. hope i make the right choices. after being shoved so much, it's time i give in to some advise and listen to what i am told.
1Cr 13:13
And now abideth faith, hope and love, these three; but the greatest of these [is] love.
foolish boy
Friday, May 13, 2005
me.?
Your #1 Match: INTP |
The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can. Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge. Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat. A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor. |
Your #2 Match: INTJ |
The Scientist You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems. Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized. You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others. Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you. You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer. |
Your #3 Match: ENTP |
The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression. You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything. Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off. You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor. |
got this off a friend's blog..interesting..
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
心碎了无痕
no idea at all.
i am a simple person. please tell me what. let me know what to do.
as i wait..i am in pain. do you not s@@?
i am a simple person. please tell me what. let me know what to do.
as i wait..i am in pain. do you not s@@?
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
changes
i am very much changed.
no idea if anyone feels it? or s@@ it or knows it. but i feel much different from who i was 2 months ago.
to believe in something again. to believe and trust and let my life be guided by anything other than my mind and myself. it was weird..but now it feels so right. easy and simple. to walk with the Lord again. to look him in the face and thank him for all i have become.
used to be quite pagan. doing scryes and tarots and feeling for spirits and energies. now i lost most of what i used to be able to do. slightly off balance now. heh. but guess it's alright. used to feel the connection witht he tarot decks i used. now no feeling at all, even the familiar cards. no longer able to scrye things in meditation, in dreams. now all i get is blank when i try.. it's like putting away lots of things when i start to look at Him again. slightly weird, but understandable. though i expect to re-learn them again when i am stronger in faith. somehow i feel as if i am to know such. but then i don't know what the Lord have in store for me.
now my thought pattern is more calm and clear. less clouded by emotions and pain. less anguish..usually. hehe..still lots of zeal about injustice around me. anyway, slightly happier, slightly calmer. think better, think slower though..maybe i am just getting old..haha..
no idea why but feeling good. nothing to feel good about actually.
shooting badly.
cannot train due to injury.
not clear about short term plan now.
no idea about what's to come next for what i am concern about.
but feeling alright..so just be.
2cr 13:11
finally, brethren, farewell. be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.
'calm the storms that drench my eyes
and dry the streams still flowing
casting down all the waves of sin
and guilt that overthrow me
if i can't swim after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
lift me up so high that i cannot fall - lift me up'-Jars of Clay
no idea if anyone feels it? or s@@ it or knows it. but i feel much different from who i was 2 months ago.
to believe in something again. to believe and trust and let my life be guided by anything other than my mind and myself. it was weird..but now it feels so right. easy and simple. to walk with the Lord again. to look him in the face and thank him for all i have become.
used to be quite pagan. doing scryes and tarots and feeling for spirits and energies. now i lost most of what i used to be able to do. slightly off balance now. heh. but guess it's alright. used to feel the connection witht he tarot decks i used. now no feeling at all, even the familiar cards. no longer able to scrye things in meditation, in dreams. now all i get is blank when i try.. it's like putting away lots of things when i start to look at Him again. slightly weird, but understandable. though i expect to re-learn them again when i am stronger in faith. somehow i feel as if i am to know such. but then i don't know what the Lord have in store for me.
now my thought pattern is more calm and clear. less clouded by emotions and pain. less anguish..usually. hehe..still lots of zeal about injustice around me. anyway, slightly happier, slightly calmer. think better, think slower though..maybe i am just getting old..haha..
no idea why but feeling good. nothing to feel good about actually.
shooting badly.
cannot train due to injury.
not clear about short term plan now.
no idea about what's to come next for what i am concern about.
but feeling alright..so just be.
2cr 13:11
finally, brethren, farewell. be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.
'calm the storms that drench my eyes
and dry the streams still flowing
casting down all the waves of sin
and guilt that overthrow me
if i can't swim after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
lift me up so high that i cannot fall - lift me up'-Jars of Clay
Sunday, May 08, 2005
touched
our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of god. your playing small does not serve the world.
there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do.
we were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us.
it is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
- a poem by Marianne Williamson, as in Coach Carter.
Be without fear in the face of your enemies.
Safeguard the helpless.
Tell the truth, even if it leads to your death;
that is your oath. Rise a knight... rise a knight!
'slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
but then if you're so smart, tell me
why are you still so afraid?
where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
you'd better cool it off before you burn it out
you've got so much to do and
only so many hours in a day
but you know that when the truth is told..
that you can get what you want or you get old
you're gonna kick off before you even
get halfway through
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?
slow down, you're doing fine
you can't be everything you want to be
before your time
although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
tonight,...
too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
though you can see when you're wrong, you know
you can't always see when you're right. you're right
you've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?
slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
when will you realize,..vienna waits for you?
and you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
you're gonna kick off before you even get half through
why don't you realize,. vienna waits for you
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?'-Billy Joel
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of god. your playing small does not serve the world.
there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do.
we were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us.
it is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
- a poem by Marianne Williamson, as in Coach Carter.
Be without fear in the face of your enemies.
Safeguard the helpless.
Tell the truth, even if it leads to your death;
that is your oath. Rise a knight... rise a knight!
'slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
but then if you're so smart, tell me
why are you still so afraid?
where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
you'd better cool it off before you burn it out
you've got so much to do and
only so many hours in a day
but you know that when the truth is told..
that you can get what you want or you get old
you're gonna kick off before you even
get halfway through
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?
slow down, you're doing fine
you can't be everything you want to be
before your time
although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
tonight,...
too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
though you can see when you're wrong, you know
you can't always see when you're right. you're right
you've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?
slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
when will you realize,..vienna waits for you?
and you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
you're gonna kick off before you even get half through
why don't you realize,. vienna waits for you
when will you realize, vienna waits for you?'-Billy Joel
Thursday, May 05, 2005
what is your greatest fear?
interesting question wouldn't you say?
my greatest fear is that i am not doing things correctly, not doing enough. about myself not being good enough. not being all i am. then i am wasted. wasted my life, wasted the lord's gift.
what's your greatest fear? do you even know? it took me long thoughts for a few months to put it in words after i sorted through my thoughts and myself.
been alright..not too bad..not too good. archery camp for TP was tiring. pushed them and pushed myself. had talk with them, but how much who understood i don't know. i gave them what i thought is best. i have to better myself to bring them to better level. will revise and realign my year plan.
4.5km in 22mins..feels good. still got the chiong feeling. haha..
wish, hope, pray.
{Act 1:7}And he said unto them,
It is not for you to know the times or the seasons,
which the Father hath put in his own power.
'i'm the one who wants to be with you
deep inside i hope you feel it too
waited on a line of greens and blues
just to be the next to be with you..'-Mr Big
my greatest fear is that i am not doing things correctly, not doing enough. about myself not being good enough. not being all i am. then i am wasted. wasted my life, wasted the lord's gift.
what's your greatest fear? do you even know? it took me long thoughts for a few months to put it in words after i sorted through my thoughts and myself.
been alright..not too bad..not too good. archery camp for TP was tiring. pushed them and pushed myself. had talk with them, but how much who understood i don't know. i gave them what i thought is best. i have to better myself to bring them to better level. will revise and realign my year plan.
4.5km in 22mins..feels good. still got the chiong feeling. haha..
wish, hope, pray.
{Act 1:7}And he said unto them,
It is not for you to know the times or the seasons,
which the Father hath put in his own power.
'i'm the one who wants to be with you
deep inside i hope you feel it too
waited on a line of greens and blues
just to be the next to be with you..'-Mr Big
Monday, May 02, 2005
many minds, little words
alot of things on my mind now. but to put them simply, as below.
frustrated.
thankful.
proud.
grateful.
sad.
wishful.
of which are which, figure it out on your own. ask if you want though i don't promise answers.
'i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
more and more i need you now,
i owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart'-Jars of Clay
frustrated.
thankful.
proud.
grateful.
sad.
wishful.
of which are which, figure it out on your own. ask if you want though i don't promise answers.
'i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
more and more i need you now,
i owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
i pray, i pray, i pray
take my world apart'-Jars of Clay
Sunday, May 01, 2005
seeking, found?
maybe i am just seeking for more reasons.
Psa 23:1
[[A Psalm of David.]] The LORD [is] my shepherd; I shall not want.
Psa 23:2
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
Psa 23:3
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Psa 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psa 23:5
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Psa 23:6
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
my favorite prayer.
the lord is my shepard, i shall not want.
he have given me all i need. i shall not want more.
do i believe? or is it just cause of her?
still some things i want to know. know them i shall. i fear not what may come.
yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil: for thou art with me.
Psa 23:1
[[A Psalm of David.]] The LORD [is] my shepherd; I shall not want.
Psa 23:2
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
Psa 23:3
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Psa 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psa 23:5
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Psa 23:6
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
my favorite prayer.
the lord is my shepard, i shall not want.
he have given me all i need. i shall not want more.
do i believe? or is it just cause of her?
still some things i want to know. know them i shall. i fear not what may come.
yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil: for thou art with me.
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