06112005

eventful i must say.

hanged out at monica's place since last night with a bunch of TP archers..watched russell peters, taxi, went for supper then played monopoly. at somewhere midnight they gave me by presents..a card and a baseball bat. hah.

then slept till about 1000, then went TM for brunch. then home for a short break. ripped hancock into mp3. really GREAT music. jazzy..funk..junk.!!haha..nope..it's really nice.

then went down to city hall area walk around..chill..music in my ears, feet on road..just walk. i like that feeling. after awhile jia and heidi found me..so we just hanged out and did nothing till dinner.

dinner at marche..again..i like the food..sOo..there. they gave me some picture thingy which is quite cute but i would rather they not spend the money. i don't need or want such stuff. but thanks alot folks. for trying to hang out..even though i wanted to escape.

then nothing. took bus with heidi then stopped at airport to chill. cold, little noise and i have good music. great combo for stoning. then monica came..did nothing..then sent me home.

thanks alot everyone. i know you all care. sorry that i am moody. i am just weird like that. please don't spend money next time.

updates

life's been busy these days.

lots to do. lots do worry and think about. and lots of other stuff on my mind as well.

as the date get closer, the tension in me seems to mount. things must be done quick and precise. everything must be done, else we might fail. perhaps i am putting myself through to omuch stress. but it seems to me that it hangs by a thread, a thread that i am part of. but a single strand, nonetheless important to hold on. perhaps i overstate my importance.

been hanging out more with people. staying happy.=)

love all you folks around.

sOo..such is life. coaching. working. hanging. pretty good.

but still a missing something. nothing i can do about now i suppose. or rather nothing i know to do that i think will make it better.

my heart is still empty in that spot..will it ever be filled..i wonder.

that which redeems

what can i do?

redemption..is over rated.

tears in the darkness.

to 'make things right'.

coming to this world day

my day?

personally i still don't see the point of celebrating birthdays. i feel it's just another day. cause time is just a concept..a convenience to make things easier to keep track. there isn't any markers or steps in time. it's us who put days and months and weeks to keep things within our abilities to comprehend.

sOo..my birthday is actually Earth time 1980AD 06th November, by Human reckoning.

something like that..hah. by actual time, that the world started..inconceivable to us mere humans.

and actually even if i do celebrate the day that i came to this world as a complete human. i would celebrate my mom. cause it's her who was instrumental to my physical existance. i do give her a big hug on my birthdays. and when i can i do bring her out to a meal on my birthday. SOo..i guess not too bad..i guess.

there are many things i want in life, and non of them can be given to me by someone else. they are mostly things i must achieve or something i cannot control. sad..in a way..to me.

i want. . .

there are things that can be bought i guess, like a laptop, hah, a big house with all kinds of weird shit that i want.. a BMW 530i, a sniper rifle and a range to shoot in, and all sorts of weird items for me to make weird items out of.

impractical things from a deranged mind.

humor?

Seven[7] things that will scare me...
-God
-losing control of myself
-forced to do something that i know i will regret

Seven[7] things that I like most...
-archery
-friends
-family
-my bow and other archery equipment
-staying calm
-games that challenges oneself
-challenging people's comfort zones

Seven[7] most important things in my room...
-archery equipments
-books
-computer, for communications, music and games
-bolster=)

Seven[7] random facts about me...
-i am messy. very
-i am very different when you catch me alone
-overcame alot of personal, irrational prejudices regarding alot of things
-am a big tight-ass regarding alot of things
-doesn't care much about myself
-feels old
-thinks that life is too short

Seven[7] things that i can do...
-archery
-make people wish they never even heard of me
-eat alot when in the mood(4bowls of rice followed by and earthquake)
-heal faster than average
-bend my fingers into weird positions, finger only
-go into a rage when i am in pain, physical or otherwise(don't tempt my wrath)
-take care of people well..i think.=)

Seven[7] things that i can't do...
-sing, singapore's storms are mostly caused by me
-play any musical instruments. very sad
-stand clever idiots
-forgive myself
-do enough to help others and myself

Seven[7] phrases that i say the most...
-*changes too fast*

Seven[7] celebrity crush...
-*wth you talking about?i dont even watch tv. and i don't give a damn.*

Seven[7] peeps that i love to see them do this quiz...
-you
-you
-you
-you
-you
-you
-you

weird shit. damn i'm too free. yes, not all have seven things..cause i cannot think of anymore. if you think i have more..let me know.=)

holding on

to..?

what can we really hold on to? i really wonder. thoughts are slightly confused, but i'll try to express what i feel as properly as i can.

people around us. how can we hold on to them? they got their own lives and own other things to do. i mean we all want to share time with someone else, maybe someone special, but what it all boils down to, is that everyone got their own lives to lead. even in marriage, each got a part to play, you cannot be spending 24/7 together and stay very sane i think.

and also, people die. we all must go sometime. and anytime. it's not up to any of us. when we go, we go. can you hold on to anything?

and lastly about people, sometimes it's like grasping sand. the more you try to hold, the more will slip away. perception and emotions and moods and all that. sometimes it feel like the more time you try to get together with someone, the worse the feeling becomes. and the less value the time becomes too. isn't it kind of weird. but yet makes sense..i think.

less time == time valuable.
many time == time less valuable in relation to above.
true? for most i would say true. most.

other than people around us that we have trouble holding on to, physical objects are totally not even a consideration. as they are objects and are simply too flimsy to give too much damn about. they spoil, they break, they get stolen, they simply screw up.

sOo..to me, it's like cherish things you have around now. but don't expect them to stay. things change, don't be holding on till you are hurt.

have, good.
don't have, oh well, was nice having it.

that's what i think anyway. live in the now..love what you have, and who you have.

be present to live your life, now.

another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
so make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
it's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

so take the photographs, and still frames in your mind.
hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
for what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
i hope you had the time of your life.
-Greenday

quizing around

You Are 27 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

oh no..

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

well well..

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

huh..really..?!

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

i s@@..

contemplations

life's been good. or something like that.

nothing bad happened..i think. just work. coaching and TM stuff. nothing bad. nothing much, really.

friends, been pretty alright. nothing big. still caring. still hanging. still chilling.

what's wrong with life like this? is there anything wrong?

perhaps lacking a direction. in aspects of life where there seems to be no growth, there's a lack of desire to do well, better. things are just..fine. if things are bad, means it can be better. can be improved. if things are good..things are good. but now things are like 5/10..which is ok/fine, but seemingly dull. perhaps it's internally that's lacking direction and drive to excel and grow.

plans in the coming year. save up for coaching lvl 2. perhaps a sports related dip/deg, depending on the cost. continue coaching, perhaps stop being TM, try to get back to shooting competitively.

plans in the long term. _dea. trying out to see how far i can go in two directions already..career wise. what else do i need? what else do i want?

perhaps i don't show it much. i really miss having somebody around, to be special. to share life, to support each other, to be able to understand each other and try to decide what's best for each other. i guess it's been under lying for a long time..just that there's nothing i can do about it..it's intangible..it's not up to me.

all i can do..hope..and pray. that God have install for me, someone special in my life to come. but whatever the case, i'll do what i do and let things come as they come.

just being more emotional than usual. cause i am stressed. about things. work. bah.

i will survive..but i am not happy at all.

ribs

injured.

very very damn painful. been a long long time since i had such pain. last time was my finger, which was made worse by emotional pain. this is totally physical pain. and it's worse than the finger thingy.

the whole story of this injury stretched back to early this year. injured while sparring with someone and he fell on me with his elbow on my rib. then last week i was 'tau pok'ed..making the half healed injury worse. then today over stretched while playing around during trainings. and then the pain.

went to the hospital for an x-ray as i feared my rib could have cracked and i would die in my sleep as my lung get pierced. haha..but luckily, it ws not cracked or anything. so then the doctor and i thought probably the membrane between the rib and lung got injured. and i was given pain killers and two days MC. as if i need it. but anyway. nothing i can do to help it heal externally.

baka.

i can tolerate lots of pain, physical pain. and this is near my threshold. damn.

good thing have good friend around. went with me to hospital. then went to cc to chill got people to joke and talk to. which is good.=)

thanks folks.

lamp post

was talking to some people then i thought about this.

i feel that sometimes i am like a lamp post in the dark night. i mean it's abit far off..but it's what i felt at that time.

i am like a lamp post in the night..dark..cold..lonely. along the road. like the only lamp post you see in a picture kind..where everywhere else is dark. except the lamp post. i am this lamp post..where people come to when they are in the dark. when they are lost, but not really. where they feel they need a light and something more solid to lean on and rest and clear their mind. or to rant and cry and 'let it out'.

i am there..for people to lean on..to lash out at..to accompany them in their solitude. to light up their lives briefly, if they allow me to. to show them some stuff about their problems..themselves maybe.

then once they are well. ready to get along life again. when they have done being down. they move away from this lamp post. they get along in their lives..hopefully better and clearer. and the lamp post is alone..again.

sometimes i feel that way.

hmm

the below things is nice..i like it quite alot. i mean i hope i am that which it says i am..cause i try to be.

the picture quite nice too..though the sword is abit big. like very phallic. hah. nevermind.

i think i am less talkative now. i mean about my own things. i want to..but no one i really want to talk to about. it's like close..but also..like hai.. it's just me who's abit more closed up.

and blogs are less about me now.

i think i am too stressed up. bah.

be back properly, i promise.

wow

A guardian angel watches over you. You are kind,
sweet, and generous. You put others before
yourself and you never let anyone get left
behind. You may be a bit shy at times. When
you are around your friends though, you are fun
and exciting! When you are comfortable you are
able to open up. It's when you are somewhere
unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or around those you
are not familiar with that you are shy. You're
caring and above all loving. You're guardian
angel keeps good watch over you and is always
protecting you.


Who is your soul guardian?
brought to you by Quizilla

dare

'one of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his greatest surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't.'
Henry Ford

Quiz End

Heidi wins..!!

daryl did not stand a chance..hahaha..!!

someone and yiwie, thanks for playing.

all thanks to google, i had to make them all so obscure. bzzt.

wonderwall

and all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that i would like to say to you
but i don't know how
-Oasis

enough?

me thinks some things are never enough.

random thought.

as i stare at your glory, i am blinded and yet made whole.

stolen

from haha's blog. and edited some slightly.=)

courage is the discovery that you may not win..
and still trying when you know you can lose.

compassion is passion with a heart.

the only thing in the whole universe people need to control..
is their attitudes.

how a person wins and loses,
is much more important than
how much a person wins and loses.

if you only do what you know you can do
you never do very much.

getting what you want is not nearly as important
as giving what you have.

talent without humility is wasted.

awaiting

a few more days to go.

unbreakable

been thinking a long time.

if something cannot be lost, cannot be injured, cannot be broken..how much value will it have in people's life?

if your heart cannot break. doesn't hurt. would you cherish a loving relationship? if you never felt betrayed, would you cherish when you have a great friend? if people will never die, will you cheirsh who they are?

i think not. at least not as much as you would, if they can disappear from your life.

what we have is precious, is sometimes, usually, because they can be taken from us. those who never felt the loss of a certain thing..may never learn cherish it.

thinking about kids with parents who dotes on them totally. like everything they want they get. they get their way, their say and everything. like an emperor. they never cherish anything. use. play. eat. done with it..throw. they may know the cost of an object, but they will never know it's true value.

on the other hand, there are some people who have to work for everything they have. every single cent is hard earned. you won't see them throwing away things that still can be used. they won't get something just because they feel like it. things that they bought, they cherish and use it carefully. taking care of it.

same with lots of things in our lives. people around us. the concern, the friendship, the love and care we give to one another. maybe until you have been betrayed, been alone and been out casted, you won't know what friends mean to you.

friend. what a word. some know what kind there are in their lives. some don't care. some see people as just objects to be used to further themselves. how many real friends, who don't backstab you and take you for granted, do you have?

i am lucky to have some. i have been quite loner since sec 3 till after NS, where i mix around with archers abit more. and now, i am really glad to have some friends who have always been there..listening to me..be with me when i am down. whom i share my problems and joys with. whom they too share with me. for all these friends, i am blessed.

been lost and now found.

everything have a cost and value. it's almost impossible to place value on things that are irreplacable. life, love, friendship, trust, knowledge, blah blah blah..

alot of things..once lost, can never be the same.

un-break my heart
say you'll love me again
un-do this hurt you caused
when you walked out the door
and walked outta my life
un-cry these tears
i cried so many nights
un-break my heart, my heart
-Tony Braxton

Final Quiz

'That's, like, totally out of the realm of scientific possibility.'

final one. but Heidi already won!!!

yay..!! congrats..!!

loneliness

is a state of mind. does not matter who you are with or what you are doing.

think i had my share of ups and downs in life so far. i expect more to come. i don't like being alone. it just amplifies the loneliness.

granted we cannot always have people around us. but whenever i am alone..i neglect myself. i eat less..or eat crap..or simply don't eat. i don't function properly.. i also have tendencies to not do anything at all. simply walk around and stone.

but recently..been better. been getting used to it. letting go of a crutch. getting out of comfort zone. travel alone and work alone. doing what needs to be done. all in all..i think i have become more whole.

no longer needing anyone..to chat or sms or hang with. no longer lonely when alone.

but still when people are around..i feel better. as if my existance is more complete with people i know around.

and i miss you. yes..you.

i am alright being alone now..doesn't mean i like it. but i can..and will if needed.

what is our greatest fear?

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of God.
your playing small does not serve the world.

there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
and as we let our own light shine,we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson

for us.

stand up and shine.

stretched

butter over too much bread.

as usual. ken always does this. it's like he likes to torture himself. do so many things, then screw up little bit here and there. usually his own things. yeah..ken is mad.

but it's like he wants to do as much as his time allows as not to waste time of his life. yet he also want quality. sOo..he does alot and try his best. in the end. suffering.

anyway, he now does his best at this thing. cause, really, he don't have much else. at least he thinks so. he have God, friends, family..and so many other things. but this thing, he MUST do well. others are involved in it. it's crucial. but it's not the only thing he has. perhaps it's just a way to drive himself.

ken..is mad.

'now that the world isn't ending,
it's love that i'm sending to you.
it isn't the love of a hero,
that's why i fear it won't do.'
-Chad Kroeger

percieve

through a looking glass..watching them play out your worst fears.
unable to resist. unable to look away. unable to hide the pains.
as they slowly make their moves and say the words that you know are ineviatable.

you wilt.

as you look up to the sky, wishing your tears away.
wishing for a better tomorrow.
deep down, you know. you'll wake up in tears again.

again.

i am cruel. because that's the best way to learn. straight from the truth.
the person i am most cruel to, is myself.

that's when i go on my knees and pray for God to have mercy on my sanity

thrown around

nothing much serious here anymore i think.

perhaps i am too dulled by daily requirements of life. work. work and faces. masks, rather. when i am working or facing certain peoples. sOo..my emotions are kept in check until i am too tired to let it out and run them through me..

how ridiculus.

do i dare hang on? do i dare let go?

for lots of things i dare. simply because i know the consequence and i can accept them. only very few things i am hesitant. this is one of them. it's not a question of what i right or good, cause there isn't such distinction here. it's not a question of what's best for myself. it's not what's best for everyone.

given such a situation, kind of like some in the past, where the question i had was, 'how far will i go?', 'how much will i do?', inrelation to 'how much do i want it?'

now it's simply, 'do i dare?'

do i dare? what's it worth? what will it cost? in the end it might all be for nothing.

it's like a bet.
i have $2.
the bet is $5,000.
if i win, i will get $$$.
if i lose, i lose more than i can afford.

darn, it's obscure. hahaha..

do i dream? or do i dream it's over?

requeim for a dream

bah

been feeling like i want to blog but after numerus attempts, i just can't get words out of the feeling i am have now.

words seems to have gotten stuck. feelings are also half formed.

everything i do seems so..pointless.

when i have people around..i feel good. i feel alive. but once i am home and alone..doing work or playing games..then things seem..pointless. they don't really matter. work is to get money, important..but means to and end. games..waste time to find some form of leisure or pleasure.

things that occupy my mind at times include but not limited to the following. not in order of priority or seriousness.
my ex, she's getting married soon. she probably don't know that i know. but..i do..well..
somebody. i guess i am missing having somebody that close to walk and talk. but i guess somebody got other things better to do.
work, is so crap. people. adults. irresponsible for their own actions. who am i to tell them?
friends having troubles. troubles me as well. i wish i can help them more. but everyone have their own demons to face.
you, yes you. hope you are alright.
money, yes i am bothered by it. not enough to study next year. again. another year busted. want to tear my hair out already.
being lonely. my prison. bane of my sanity.

'i was walking around, just a face in the crowd
trying to keep myself out of the rain
saw a vagabond king wear a styrofoam crown
wondered if i might end up the same
there's a man out on the corner
singing old songs about change
everybody got their cross to bare, these days'
-Bon Jovi

quiz 11

'If you find yourself in a hole, imagine a red traffic sign that says stop.'

huh?!?!

hehe..looks like heidi's going to win..

paradoxes

let it go, and you'll get it.

true for so many things that are precious. only when you can let go of the need for it, then do you realise that it's yours.

it takes years of hardwork to be an overnight success.

sOo true. don't you think? who knows the years of pain and toils one goes through? perhaps cause we all just want to s@@ the success and fruits. not the pains and labor. to dream and wish you could be one too.

be quick, but never hurry.

everything have it's own pace..to rush it, would spoil it.

paradox-a seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true.

thin line to walk on paradoxes..for it to remain true.

a kind of feeling

while sleeping just now, when i got back from church, i had a strange feeling.

it's as if my emotions are expressed. put into words and sung out. and i heard it from my computer's speakers. all the little things that i am bothered by and am putting aside. it's like they were sung to me and i listened and am bothered less now. healed abit more. a moment of clarity.

but, now that i am awake, i cannot find anything remotely like what i felt on my playlist history and everything. i remember certain words and certain tunes which i find familiar while half dreaming..that i cannot find now. strange.

many of the things i 'heard' are what i wanted to say about how i felt on certain issues. i thought the words were just perfect. but the words are lost..in my dreams.

it's abit comforting. it's abit confusing.

just went through my whole songs collections. nothing that sings to me like what did when i was half asleep.. hai..lost moment.

spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
i need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
-Sarah McLachlan

quiz..again.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 56% Stability 70% Orderliness 36% Accommodation 56% Interdependence 56% Intellectual 90% Mystical 70% Artistic 70% Religious 56% Hedonism 36% Materialism 43% Narcissism 63% Adventurousness 70% Work ethic 50% Self absorbed 63% Conflict seeking 36% Need to dominate 50% Romantic 70% Avoidant 50% Anti-authority 76% Wealth 23% Dependency 16% Change averse 36% Cautiousness 76% Individuality 50% Sexuality 63% Peter pan complex 56% Physical security 56% Physical Fitness 64% Histrionic 43% Paranoia 50% Vanity 30% Hypersensitivity 56% Female cliche 30%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:

messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic

jealous!

You are 41.27% jealous!
For this test, the average jealousy percentage is 35.
54%.363298 people have taken this test to date.

This percentage means that :
You are not a jealous person, but sometimes can be.
Occasionally, you over-react to situations.
Most of the time, you trust the people around.
Jealously will not be a major issue in relationships, but you might want to improve your self-esteem.

Test now!

another test thingy.

walking on

there are certainly times when carrying on with life is tough.

when things are weighed on you and your steps seemingly falter at every turn. no longer daring to make a choice about anything. when things you do seems all wrong and nothing is going your way. times when everything you want is so far away and things that hurt you are always on your mind even when they are not around.

when pain is your familiar companion.

friends are occupied with themselves and leave no time to stand by you. when family are not around, away on their chores and 'need-to's'. you are all alone in the crowd when you want to break down. you are with people you don't want to be with. the few that you trust are away somewhere.

misery likes company.

life have a way of putting the harshest lesson to you when you are lowest.

for me, i tell myself one things, 'ken, walk on. you will survive. you always do.'

and i always did.

failure and pain are great teachers if we know how to 'listen' to them. to be able to retrospectively analyse what happened and then improve upon yourself have got to be our greatest gift. we are not perfect. not even close. we need to do, fail and learn, to get better.

Failure is not the worst thing in the world, the very worst is not to try.

and so, my friends.

my dear friends. be strong. walk on.

for dreams of better tomorrows.

dream on

with a smile and an enpowering outlook of life.

it is not your aptitude, but your attitude, that determines your altitude.
-Zig Ziglar

as long as we are persistent in our pursuit of our deepest destiny, we will continue to grow. we cannot choose the day or time when we will fully bloom. it happens in its own time.
-Denis Waitley

talking to you

be well and take care.

i understand some of the things you need to do for yourself. though i wish things are different..i hope you always take care of yourself first.

it's all heart.

animal side

Your WOLF DAEMON shows that you are solitary,
ferocious, and often intimidating, but not
without your sufficient loyalty and poise.
People tend to misunderstand you, but you
prefer your own company, anyway.


What Animal Would Your Daemon Settle As?
brought to you by Quizilla

mind gym

ninety percent of the game, is half mental.

so is life.

had a good weekend since i came back from JKT. met friends and had good food. went to church. overall a very (w)holistic weekend. haha..

Psa 23:
the LORD [is] my shepherd; i shall not want.
he maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
he restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
tThou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and i will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

life's been kind these days. more calm and peaceful. and it's all because of Him. knowing that all i need to do is my best and do my duties well. be righteous and kind. be strong and faithful. then He'll take care of the rest..is such a joy.=)

all it takes, is a mental paradigm shift and accept Him.

though there are trials, they no longer scare me or make me small. instead i grow strong and become better.

to be a servant leader.

lake of fire

Where do gangstas go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly. (4x)

As the guitar gently weeps
My Rivera (car) streaks
Into the night like a bat out of hell.
All the wishes in the well couldn't keep me from my cell
I'm feeling paranoid I couldn't trust my clientele.
The Marlboro blows, I blow the smoke through my nose.
You reap what you sow, and Lord I know.
I took route 87 upstate New York.
I'm feelin like I sinned, so I must be getting soft.
Got an angel on my right, the devil on my left,
Conscious being on my brain, for every single death.
I'm seeing ghosts, I'm being haunted like the tell-tale heart.
I'm on the road alone, headlights in the dark.
I never ever ratted, kept my mouth shut.
Bad karma all around, and I'm running out of luck.
Next soldier wants my job, better watch my back,
Or I'll be the one in the trunk getting whacked.

CHORUS

Flatfoot on the street, rookie on the beat,
Looking for the crack spot, trying to hit a jackpot.
Have not, want not, gun shot, blough.
Dirty cop on the prowl, it's all legal.
Fuck karma, chameleon, Irish, Sicilian
Heritage since birth, sold my soul for what it's worth.
From London to Perth, Tokyo to Paris,
Caught in the Abyss like my name was Ed Harris.
Trying to build this palace, my heart's full of malice.
My soul's corrupt, I'm about to erupt.
Internal investigation's got me facing 25 to life,
I'm thinking kids and wife.
They cut me up, rough me up, and sweat my connection.
Now they got us all under witness protection.

CHORUS

Before there was a lotto, his people took your numbers.
Odds on the game; the point spreads over/under.
Went to private school, educated by nuns.
But like a pagan lost his faith through the gods of the guns.
A heist like the Brinks
Iced ladies like rinks
thought theyd never see the clink.
Slapped on the wrist, his case was dismissed.
You see, money talks, yo, it pays if you're rich, pops.
Grease the bulls (cops), just to bribe the judge.
Should have scared 'em straight, should of gave 'em tough love.
But that's when they hauled him from the jury to the warden.
Everybody had a price, but this time they can't afford 'em.
-Lordz of Brooklyn

life in general

been pretty fine. 5/10

work, shoot, rest, hang out with friends and some time alone. pretty normal, pretty good.

what's not good about my life, i guess, is the fact that i don't have someone to share it with. i guess i have not found someone that close, that comfortable, that..someone special. i have close friends and people around me whom i tell almost everything..but the feeling is not..that..close..maybe iam asking too much. wanting too much. time will tell. for now..on with life..on with things i need to do for myself.

to be all i can be.

work is normal, which equals, rushed at times, super slack at times. shooting..starting to get back at it..again. pretty ok. better idea of what to improve on..so hopefully become better soon. been reading less recently, and spending more time contemplating life..which i enjoy as well.

sOo..all in all. i'm pretty fine with my life now. financially stable-er. can start saving for learning things and increasing my assets. heh..like laptop and equipment and stuffs..not like 'assets'.

if God brings you to it..he will bring you through it.
Keep the faith.

one liner

Love each other or perish.

Quiz 10

'He had no doubt he stood a fair chance of the princess dragging him off to bed in the next room.'

hehe. Ooohh..

progressively madder.

Team Singapore

Compound Men Individual Gold - Vinson Heng
Compound Men Team Gold - Vinson Heng, Eugene Kwong, Michael Ong, Ray Lee
Compound Women Individual Silver - Maryanne Gul
Compound Women Team Silver - Maryanne Gul, Sharon Tan, Shirlene Lee, Janie Leong

we kicked assed during the events!

though i must say our folk's form is not good, but they did their best and got the results for it.

during the team event, our team versus India. we tied all the way till the third tie and had to measure the closest arrow!!! OMFG..!!!

excitment * 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

recurve men did not do as well. against the might of india and korea. hmm..more work to do.

what a week

been rather busy this week.

a few birthday celebrations for people, a few times for some. overall pretty fun and nice. to have friends around and having a good time together.

mood have been up and down. rather unstable. but also rather enlightening about my own character. i like to dwell on things when i am too free. need to break free and get on with doing things and thinking about more useful stuff. not about things i cannot change. no matter how much i wish at that point of time.

easier said then done. but let's do anyway.

work load have been unstable as well. but more used to it and now contacting directly with ssc people, so more control and less rush about things cause i get them on time now. haha. yeah..!! but the association is a mess. trying to clear up the mess, but it involve people who are blind and stupid. hai..do what i can. the rest is not up to me.

let no one say, i did not do my best. not ever again.

everytime i leave..no matter for a short while or a long trip..i will feel as if i lost somethings. i'll get detached from life here abit more and cannot connect back when i return. then i'll get a fresher perspective on things here but at the same time lose the closeness i had with stuff. hai.. guess it was during one of my trips that thigns happened..and now have a phobia of rubbish.

bzzt!

'when i go away i'll miss you
and i will be thinking of you
every night and day just

promise me you'll wait for me
'cos i'll be saving all my love for you
and i will be home soon
promise me you'll wait for me
i need to know you feel the same way too
and i'll be home, i'll be home soon '
-Beverly Craven

songs

heard some chinese songs on radio and the memories flooded my senses again.

these are songs i loved.

不甘心不放手

不再執著於昨天的痴狂
我的心像是台北的街頭　不知該往哪裏走

你的心像閃爍的霓虹
叫人迷戀　卻也迷惑　我沒有把握

誰在慫恿　夜的脆弱
撫平的傷又隱隱作痛
是誰說過　不再回頭
還是讓你　淹沒了我(將我淹沒)

想放棄卻不能甘心放手
留你在夢中　卻苦痛了我
等著傷心不如學會承受
反正你不會是我的

想放棄卻不能甘心放手
留你在夢中　卻苦痛了我
等你想起不如先忘記你
反正離開你的人是我
- 动力火车

really like the way they put their emotions and energy into their music. used to go to their concerts too. really high powered.=)

alot of things to do, think and leave aside. been wanting a respite for so long now, maybe i should just forget it.

take care my friends. hope all of you are fine when i'm away. i'm sorry i cannot be around sometimes. i love all you still.

simply

reasons for things to happen?
why?
hurt and pain?
joy and laughter?
empty wishes and stolen moments?
fulfilled days and complete lives?

simply because i am i, and you are you.

motto(s)

truth and charity.

knowledge itself is power.

power is nothing without control.

chance favors the prepared mind.

God does not play dice.

is it not possible to lead a good life? or is it simply tough? or i am just plain unlucky?

all i want is a ladder sometimes. a guiding light. a gentle embrace. telling..ken..you are doing fine.

solitude is getting lonely.

anguish

angered actually.

this morning before i even wake up, my house became empty. mom went out to don't know where and dad got work in the morning. then the upgrading thing outside was pounding and pounding. my head just bursted. i snapped and smashed the keyboard.

this keyboard that i am typing with now. i fixed it. cleaned it in the process.

damn my temper. i hate it. bad mood the entire day.

if i could do anything, i would. but there's nothing i can do..right?

hope?

most times i hold hope close. in my heart where it keeps me going.

even in the most daunting of situations. i hope. i carry on.
sometimes i force myself to give up and let things go. they take time, but i eventually make it and start out in search for another fuel to drive me on.

this time. i wish..i don't know. hai. so far. told to stay far. yet so close. feels so close and..wanting to be so close at times.

confused. confounded. compounded. completely stupidified.

do i hope? do i dare hope? all i want is to be happy..with you.

reflections

while i was showering, thought about lots of stuff. wanted to blog.

now..mind blank..ha.

paradoxical life currently. between wants and reality. kind of sucks. kind of alright.

really lots to want to express. but nevermind. when the mood comes la.

thank you , huimin. i love you. and you know how it is. =)
be well ah, you dense object of a susanto.

and i love..you. you.

Quiz 9

woo..bonus was only guessed by Heidi. the most supporting of maybe 2 persons who are really trying the quizes. haha.

'The teacher marched quickly over to his old wooden desk and pulled out the top drawer.'

abit obscure. but not tough, i think. i think.=)

Team Keng Chio

we RoX.=)

not enough though. without training much we got 3rd for team and all got into I. ko. not bad for retirees..haha..our scores weren't good though. hai. we suck..but others suck more. not good signs. anyway..hopefully get more training in then do better..then we'll RoX more.

Team! Keng Chio!!

did pretty o..k..for tko la..not good..but not really bad. and got 3rd. if we went off against nats2 we could have won and gone into finals. but we didn't sOo..got 3rd..hehe..

iko..another matter. i sucked..hai..36, 33, 50. first two ends was darn nervous and cannot bring my number down. body kept shaking though i was strong enough. need more stress exposure and get used to it. mental. bzzt. last end brought it down to more familiar levels then hit 50. but abit too late..bah. still not at my optimal somemore. abit sian. lousy control. but shows that i can do well if i focus and get into my zone.

oh..yeah..!

other stuffs..trying not to think about it..it's..worrying..for me. bah. crapola.

anyway. thanks all who were there to support the team and i. really nice to have people rooting for you.=)

pretty bunrt out now..probably going to hibernate some days before workable again. nah..i'm not that weak or old. cool shit overall. just hoped to do better. not really out of expectations. but we should have done better given our team composition. oh well..shucks..cannot let it go..haha..

archery-sport/activity where the laws of physics, logic and commonsense have little application.

hmm..sounds like love. haha.

feelings

duality. feeling empty yet full at the same time. and no, it's not my stomach i am talking about.

empty cause of things in my life. and full cause someone i care alot about is really happy and doing much better than when i first known her. and that, made my day.=) having a silly grin now.

tomorrow, KO round. never thought we could make it. top 16 individual and top 4 teams. keng chio team without much training and preparations made it. haha. oh yeah..we don't suck that much..haha..

new fight tomorrow. new day to face. but today i nearly wept after i got home..

just a word

holey.

burn

baby burn.

crash and burn. the only pain i cannot take well is what's inside. and now..feels like a jagged knife twisting inside. the hell man. what the hell. what's wrong. ken. screw it shit head.

'misery likes company, i like the way that sounds
i've been trying to find the meaning, so i can write it down
staring out the window, it's such a long way down
i'd like to jump, but i'm afraid to hit the ground

i can't write a love song the way i feel today
i can't sing no song of hope, i got nothing to say
life is feeling kind of strange, since you went away
i sing this song to you wherever you are
as my guitar lies bleeding in my arms'
-Bon Jovi

hahaha..

ken-crap-alot. ken love alot. ken stupid alot. ken not alot.

singapore, my homeland

was going through this month's pioneer magazine.

i miss national day. being there at the parade. i can remember the feeling. the crowd. the atmosphere. i want to be there. i love singapore.

it may not be much and life here certainly isn't the best. but it is my homeland and where i grew up and where i became what i am. it's my motherland. haha.

been avoiding national day. but i guess after all, i really love to be there. to say the pledge. to sing our national anthem and to greet our ministers and president and to s@@ the march pass and be part of those who cheer our country on.

cheers, Singapore. many happy returns.

1,000 visitors since 17th may. not bad. 3 months plus. guessed the quiz helped..haha..whatever la. i don't even keep track these days.

and i will cover you all. let me burn so that you may raise above and shine in all your glory. God, my duties i will perform. though it hurts, i endure, for i know it's my purpose.

duty. honor. country.

since my specialist days, i believed in that. never fail any one of the above. there are many kinds of duties..not one should you fail. honor also many kinds, same, fail not. country, only one whom you owe allegence(sp) to. fail not any of them. i am doing what i can to do all that.

being good..not easy. but worth every second of sleep i lose and every gram of effort. because it is the right thing to do. i am naive like this. i am just a boy.

26th aug

mixed day. haha..like a mixed parentage thingy.

i am sleepy and stoned..sOo..please forgive my ramblings.

went for lecture at SSC. regarding recovery for athletes. pretty cool stuff and all. but too general i feel. but overal pretty interesting and met some people i know there. yay.

then slack around and ate ice cream. nothing much..just trying to relax and all. got pretty sleepy and all. oh well..kept disturbing SL..haha..wanted to talk about stuffs. not enough sleep so quite weird mood. will swing from stoneded to super talkative..but no one to talk to cause she's studying. bah.

then went to birthday thingy. pretty fun la. hang around friends and all. but then i was sleepy and stoned and sometimes want to crap but no one listens. bzzt. bzzt. beeZ around the place. LOTS of them. haha. first sting of my life there. why? cause boys are stupid. i went to do the carrem(sp) thing on it and the sting just nice lodge in my finger. haha. hurts quite abit, but still within tolerance. haha..i wonder what is out of tolerance. anyway yeah..helped cleaned up beeZ, which died all over the place. ate some food. and was forced to do the DDR thing. OMGness. i am a brick. moved like a super tanker in port. haha. quite interesting i guess..just not my kind of thing. oh well..seems like most people had fun. or everyone. wasn't really looking out cause i was stoner sheit. hai..

i am a brick.
but..i still feel for you. i just do. i don't know what to think sometimes. you are just so beautiful.
sOo..day ended later than planned..as usual and tomorrow pesta sukan.

daryl, tohjin, weijun..*evil grinz* LET'S ROCK THIS JOINT!!!

mood

ups and downs, real quick.

guess it the effect of being stressed, worried and busy. not much time to unwind and think about stuff. just do and do. pretty sian. but necessary.

oh well. but i'm pretty much alright. excited about the shoot. not prepared as i would like..but pretty cool. i know i can do about how much..hope i just do my best and let go.

let go..

guess not really. i don't really. that's my problem..too many things dragging me when i do things. but i survive.

people..i love you all! thank you for being around and being you.

*smiles*

Bonus Quiz

hey..pipboy visited my blog..!!

guess who is pipboy and from where..? get a bonus point..this should be easy..=)

exposure to direct sunlight can cause eye damage..

swing

mood swings.

bah.

'and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
and you bleed just to know you're alive

and i don't want the world to see me
'cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am.'-Goo Goo Dolls

muddled

actually alot of things on my mind..but..

perhaps too tired to put them into words here. perhaps too much of everything. perhaps too little of things i want. perhaps..it doesn't matter. life still goes on. i still need to do what i do.

if i wasn't around..perhaps thigns would be better..or worse..or simple same. who knows.

no longer in pain or anything. just a dull aching that let's me know that, 'hey, you need a break from things and chill out sometime.' yeah i know..but..some things cannot wait. somethings must wait.

want's and needs. do we really know the difference? is there really?

as i feel closer to God, i feel more at peace. feels that i can be better and do more. and i push myself to do more. so that others can be better off too. and for that..i really thank God. it's something i cannot explain..it just feels that way. as i trust more and have more faith..i go further and do more. though sometimes my faith falters some and i get really down..i know all i need to do is get up and go. He will guide me.=)

but as life goes on..we get blinded by our wants our greed for more. we must be wary of such pitfalls and do what is right and good.

it's all heart

'i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remains
more and more i need you now,
i owe you more each passing hour
battle between grace and pride
give up not so long ago
so steal my heart and take the pain,
wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
this sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that i despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust get blown away
i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
and i pray, and i pray, and i pray
take my world apart '-Jars of Clay

Quiz 8

'He fell asleep lying over the opening of the treasure room.'

this one's not that tough, but google still do not have it. =)

hmm..hmm..

anger management

wrath will be my downfall.

i get angry too easily..still. *sigh* usually i can keep my peace. but when something ticks me off..i go totally like 9-10/10. must work on it. MUST.

a report shall be here after the event.

too tough the quiz became? cause people in general, don't read enough or widely enough. but even i will be stumped by most of these quiz that are dependant on knowledge of a few books in the midst of millions of books. pretty unfair..but that's life. i wanted it to be easier..but googling and yahooing the quotes will spoil the fun of it.

lock and load..for tomorrow, we battle.

Quiz 7

'I present to thee a paperclip, with lint stuck on it.'

well well..

there you go. 5 more to the prize..Heidi leading..=)

the forum post does not count.

pwned

ok day today. should have been great..but..

went out for nice lunch today. pretty good lunch it was and great desserts that should have been greater. but was not due to time constrain..bah. time.

after which TP Archery Team got the Sports Team of The Year in TP. do you tiny little punks knw what that means? it means that in the entire TP, with all the sports team, we, the team is the best in the year 2004/5 acad year. it means that WE ROX!!

its an acheivement no doubt. but to me, i s@@ as just a begginning. we, as a team, should aim higher..for more awards. until all of us are the best we can be..and that my dear carbon-based-bipeds is limitless. we are only limited by our imagination and efforts to act on them.

we will RocK them SoXx off!!!

i feel very proud of the team. the efforts they put in. the way they handled themselves. and the way they are a TEAM.

then after which had dinner with them K.shoe and J.whiney. talked some about life and such. good people they all, just need some guidance once a while, like everyone else. hoped they s@@ me in good enough light to take me as their friend, coach, brother..

it's all heart, my man. it's all heart..

then studied, did work, slack at starbucks with SL.Tang. hah..she have got to be one of the most interesting person this year. good company nontheless. glad to have someone to hang with and talk to about stuffs. all kinds.

then.. .. ..went simpang Bed Ok with Monique. good company. chatted some and chilled while having prata and goreng magi.

chilled day.

all spoiled cause of work. too many too rushed. anyway..will do them as i can and do them as i will.

anything worth doing, is worth doing well.
DO NOT, shortchange yourself and your work.

wounded..still.

'cause it's you and me and all of the people
nothing to do, nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people and
i don't know why i can't keep my eyes off of you'-Lifehouse

*sigh*

posted some rants. angrily.

decided to remove them. angers serves no one.

to sum it all..

don't expect stupid people to do clever things.

nights and lots of love,
Ken Arris

posts

=)

too many things happening too fast. not really coherant normally..now even more muddled. anyway. nothing much to update. other than the below. my life is as below..

shooting..fine..not too good..not too bad. slowly getting back into it. shoulder pretty alright already. strength getting back up..still lacking though. skill wise improved..but needs more improvements. will take it slowly..time takes things..ermm..things takes time.

work..fine..rushed for stuff usually. not alot to do..but when there is..usually it was due two days before i know it..haha..oh well..work..life..and such.. do what i can la..

friends..pretty good. i love my friends. so many good people i can hang out with and chill.=)

family..same..more friendly with them nowadays. guess we all matured some and give each other more respect. they are people whom are my last line of defence against madness. they are people whom have made me who i am now. they are family.

otherwise..nothing much. do what i need to do. and plan for future..and try to do what i want. but life have is twists and turns and ironic moments. we do what we can. we walk on and survive.

sOo..all in all. life is pretty normal. not too good..not bad either.

'if there is love, there is hope that one may have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, real peace.
if the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue.'-Dalia Lama

the definition of love to me is wanting others to be happy. this love is unconditional and it requires a lot of courage and acceptance (including self-acceptance).

do you?

Quiz 6

'Time crawled when you were caught in situations like this.'

double checked everyway i could.

'google'->nemesis of quizzes.

Quiz 5

'No human being had been allowed to come so close for a thousand years.'

this is another tough one. looks like it'll stay this way to beat google and suchs..

someone : lets s@@ you do this.

visit

went to St Andrew Cathedral.

liked the place..since primary school. this time just walked in and sit in for service. hai..not done that in ages. feel slightly out of place..but not bad..i like the traditional way they have their services. sOo..solemn. so in touch somehow. and when i went in front to recieve blessing from the bishop, who was there cause of confirmation, i felt..good. don't really know how to describe.

but anyway..talked to the vicar and the person incharge of young adults things. will spend some time going there and talking to them and get to know more about everything. the place and people feels very homely and welcoming. i felt out of place with my stress and problems inside..but i guess it takes time and more to be at peace.

glad i walked around and went in.

thank you, my lord, for taking me in again.

anniversary

one year sinced i started blogging.

172 post. about one every two days average. hmm..

it have helped me let off steam. it have helped me expressed how i feel about certain subjects. it have also helped me be contacted by friends whom seldom meet anymore.

the past year have not been too good for me. after all that have heppened, i feel as if i stood still. not moved forward any. maybe even slided back. perhaps i think too much.

Quiz 4

'but i still spent a lot of time in my seventh-floor linen closet.'

try this. heh.

process

it's a process. to deal with loss.

getting through it i suppose. thanks for concern my friends. but i'm fine. just need some time. i guess..i am just dissatisfied with the way things turned out. ain't we all? to certain extend?

i think i am born old. i never liked partying. never liked to do foold hardy stuff to attract attention or such. maybe cause i feel that i am more sedated. more tired. and also VERY stubborn. i feel old compared to so many people and i wish to finish this thing soon. i feel as if i had enough..since..sec 2..i think. yeah. oh well..

pathetic

she's the filler of my days.

whenever my mind is empty, she gets in somehow. whenever i look at a photo, i look for her first.

i don't want to be like this anymore. it sucks. i wasn't like this the last few weeks. it's all coming back to me.

i want to be free. to soar. to spread my wings and be lifted by the winds. to do what my heart tells me to and bring hope.

how can i do that when i am a shadow myself?

reminisce

takes time to get it over with properly i suppose.

before that happens..i shall have to live with flash backs of moments so dear to me, it hurts. but to say it hurts lots is a lie. it hurts, but somewhat feels like i am used to the kind of hurt. the slight aching and yearning for memories, bitter sweet. the want to hold on to something which have become a shadow of lost hope.

one must look forward to move forward without mishap. i feel as if i stood still. unable to cleanly let it go. yet. surreal. the memories are a reminder of how difficult things can be. how close and how far it can be at the same time.

sometimes i wish to walk away. from everything in my life. and start anew somewhere. doing something i never done in my life. i know i can do reasonably well..i am pretty adapt at most things. reasons are varied. to get away from the drudery of life here. to remove myself from pains and hurt which are not my doing. to remove from hurt and pain which are. but that's just an empty dream, which will never come true as long as i have things i hold dear at present here. my family, my friends.

dull mood. cool day. the brain is not in at the moment. if you would please leave a message. thank you.

Quiz 3

tough one i think. to beat wiki and google. heh. s@@ how it goes.

'it appears that the greatest darkness is under the candlestick.'

take this!! internet search engines!!

payne

hai..the emptiness threatens to engulf me whenever i am alone.

as i walk along the streets or simply seated on a bus, memories overtake the surroundings and play themselves over and over in my mind. wonderously painful. sweet longings. a bitter sweet symphony. the scenes play across my mind as i go about my life. like cut scenes, a break from life, a respite from the stress, a stab in the back. like a traitor, my mind taunts me at my weakest.

a moment of weakness. i'll be fine, yet again.

the quiz thingy..it's not doing too good. there's very little participation. and there's google and wiki. well, i'll carry it through the 12 weeks. s@@ how it turns out. but i think it'll be the last. even though i find it fun and some others too..it's no fun when people can simply get the answers by searching.

rushed through some forms the SSC wanted. quite pissed with them..but then..they are the boss. it's over now anyway. hope things get better with the team. we need to be one unit.

life's pretty good actually. getting on with it. though i am left wondering, 'what could i have done?', 'why didn't i do more?'.

more confused than anything. more lost and wanting.

went to lighthouse, a church near my house. don't feel..right to me. maybe i am expecting something and am not open enough. but i am going to visit some of the churches i've been to before and s@@ how it turns out from there. i'm not saying anything other than, 'let's s@@ where this leads me.'

'i have climbed highest mountains
i have run through the fields
only to be with you
only to be with you
i have run
i have crawled
i have scaled these city walls
these city walls
only to be with you

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for

i have kissed honey lips
felt the healing in her fingertips
it burned like fire
this burning desire

i have spoke with the tongue of angels
i have held the hand of a devil
it was warm in the night
i was cold as a stone

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what im looking for

i believe in the kingdom come
then all the colors will bleed into one
bleed into one
well, yes i'm still running

you broke the bonds
and you loosed the chains
carried the cross
of my shame
of my shame
you know i believed it

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for ' - U2

Quiz 2

Quote 2: 'Sorry to interrupt the festivities, but we have a problem.'

quote where that came from and who to get another point!

the prize awaits!!!

national day

40th national day for singapore.

not bad for a little red dot. been through some tough shit. but not too bad..could be better..could always be better..but not bad at all.

about the quiz thing. email is the safest. but if people copy..and you are wrong..then all be wrong..haha.. finally some response for the last day of the first quiz.

staying happy.

feeling like a big scar. but still i have to go on. not happy at all inside. but there are things i must do. must. and so i burn.

still conflicted..still sorting out. and you walked away.

national day

wind

of change.

reworked my side bar some..to accomodate the quiz thingy.

i had comments on that it's really obscure. i know. heh. otherwise..where's the fun? please try. the prize have already been created. after 12 weeks we'll s@@ who gets the prize.

and so..life went on.

X-man

You scored as Cyclops. Cyclops is the team leader of the X-Men, and a skilled one at that. He loves Jean Grey very much. He's a strict and sometimes uptight leader, but he believes in his cause and he knows what he's fighting for... Peace between Mutants and Humans. Powers: Optic blasts Cyclops 75% Jean Grey 70% Rogue 70% Iceman 65% Storm 65% Emma Frost 65% Wolverine 65% Gambit 65% Nightcrawler 60% Beast 55% Colossus 55% Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

paradoxed

general statements are never true.

edgey

my life have always been pretty on the edge.

it's like..when things happen..then things fly. apart or ahead. sledom a slow tempo my life doth runs. it's like perched on an edge, then any little force tips it. then i go tumbling down to whatever meets me at th bottom of the cliff or whatever.

now though..pretty sedated. pacing my work and most things. things hppen affects me less in the immediat. more stable i presume. but i presume much.

i want to be alright. but not like this. i understand..but i wish for more. though the ball is not in my court.

no one quizzing? haha..or it is too obscure? someone told me that people could copy fomr the comment thingy. well..if you think they are right then you go ahead. if it becomes a problem then i'll turn off public viewing for the comments. maybe simply..no one reads my blog..haha.

life is damn cool shit. it's so bloody hot chilling in life.

i don't know what i am saying..really. paradoxes runs my life it seems.

70% of the things i say is crap.

proper entry

ok here's one..some updates on me.

been darn busy with paper work. not done so much work since poly days. reports, charts, forms, typings.. .. ..piles of them. then triple replicate and send to SSC. goodness. why can't they work paperlessly. anyway..the worst is over. now have abit more time to get the charts that i WANT to do up and running. i want to do a filing system for every archer we have, with their info and scores and records and all. then every time we want something..we have it easy access. no more searching everywhere for it. then also training program..long term, immediat and for current team and potentials. we must cover all our bases or we'll lose them. then 'all our bases belong to them'. we die.

there are still plenty of problems in the comm. but i do my thing and ignore most of them. i know what i do and why.

fault me not..don't even thing about it..little man.

other than my work life. my coaching life is pretty sian..not enough time with each team to train..quite sian. hope for more..but i am not the only thing in the equation. shucks. i'll just do what i can then.

my own shooting..slacking..more mental than anything..but it's my physical that needs more work. oh well..do what i can. that's all i have left..for myself.

she. no idea still. still waiting. but not really hopeful anymore. but being like this also removes some potential stress/problems. not that i want it like this..but..come what may. life deals..i play. no answers..but does it even matter? it does..but that's me.

and i would. all you need is to ask.

'when i see you smile
i can face the world,
oh oh, you know i can do anything
when i see you smile i see a ray of light,
oh oh, i see it shining right through the rain
when i see you smile
oh yeah, baby when i see you smile at me'-Bad English

not seen for sometime..how i wish..but wishes are just that. my best intentions, my best is all i have.

Eph 6:6
with good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men:
knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether bond or free.

quiz

ok..thought about some stuff and all..but not related to what i am going to do..anyway a quiz i'll do every week..probably tuesday night.

it'll be a guess where the quote came from quiz. not new..i know. but i guess it'll be something to do here..i'll keep scores. here's how.

enter the answer into the comments area. with your name(nick or whatever). those who are correct will get a point. after maybe 10 weeks, i'll s@@ who got the highest score..maybe, MAYBE i'll get a prize of something. i'll keep scores on the side bar. quotes may be from movies, games, song lyrics or a book. nothing more. but it's already a huge field. IF you can prove the quote is from somewhere other than what i state, you get a point too.

cool? whatever. i'm doing it. if no one participates..well..no problem..i'll entertain myself.

first quote : When I was five, my uncle was decapitated by a watermelon.

guess away folks.

blessings

i have..i must remember to never not count them all.

i have so many good people who cares. my friends..my family..times can get me down and sometimes i think/wish there's no one around. the truth is there are. my dear dear friends.

there are friends then there are friends.

i thank you all. for everything. for being here. for listening. for advising. for putting up with my emotions and weirdness and rants. i shall name no one here. but you know who you are. thank you.

there are things i need to do. work. help other. help myself. let things be. not easy. but things that come my way..i can do them. He will not make me short of the things i need. i believe.

it's all heart. passion and truth and all that's beautiful.
it's not. life, it's toils and heartaches and steps.
what do we need? what do we want?

desperado
why don't you come to your senses
you've been out riding fences for so long now
oh you're a hard one
but i know that you've got your reasons
these things that are pleasing you will hurt you somehow

don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
she'll beat you if she's able
the queen of hearts is always your best bet
well it seems to me some fine things
have been laid upon your table
but you only want the things that you can't get

desperado
you know you ain't getting younger
your pain and your hunger are driving you home
and freedom, oh freedom
well that's just some people talking
your prison is walking through this world all alone

don't your feet get cold in the wintertime
sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
it's hard to tell the night time from the day
you're losing all your highs and lows
ain't it funny how the feeling goes away

desperado
why don't you come to your senses
come down from your fences
open the gate
it may be raining
but there's a rainbow above you
you better let somebody love you
let somebody love you
before it's too late
-Linda Ronstadt

wish

i could yell at the top of my lungs.(top of one's lungs eh?)

very frustrated. verge of pissedness. rather angry. rather sad. rather not be thinking about things other than getting things done.

that's why i wanted to get away for awhile. i know i won't be taking it well. i try. i did. be normal. do what i do. i think i seem alright..but that DOES NOT MEAN I AM!!! fucked up. all crushed inside. the center of being no longer in balance. no longer strong and in control. and it's all my fault. not good enough. not able to let things be. i want to let go..yet i don't. i want it so much..yet i hate it this moment. life is a cruel bitch with a ironic sense of humor. damn it.

i got to do what i hate. bring ill tidings. i hate it. don't people s@@ it's not my fault? i just happen to be the one to tell you. i know it sucks. but hey..i am an archer too. you think i don't understand how you feel? i have been at this for 10 fucking years. ZERO support.. you think i enjoy telling you bad news? damn..you are all my friends. i want to help as much as i can. but some things are out of my control. please understand. i want you peopel to do well too..want you people to win and set a new standard for things to come..why do you think i give up my own dream to propel yours? fuck la. damn it.

how i want to lay down and break down. everything seems so bleak.

for all i do..things still go wrong. the point is to be stronger..be better..stay in there and keep the faith and all that. can you s@@ me behind my eyes? behind my smile and jokes? behind al that is 'MrKen'..there is just ken. bro-ken. who s@@s? who knows? not even my mom. not even whoever i know. now i mention it here..maybe some will. but who cares? why give a fuck? it's just ken.

argh!!! anguished.

want to punch things again. knowing i shouldn't..cause i'll break my fingers and whatever again. enough furniture have been broken. enough ken have been broken. don't i get it? get up and go..no one else cares enough to pick you up. damn it ken. get up or die. shit head.

just another statistic..little man.

misery likes company, i like the way that sounds
i've been trying to find the meaning, so i can write it down
staring out the window, it's such a long way down
i'd like to jump, but i'm afraid to hit the ground

i can't write a love song the way i feel today
i can't sing no song of hope, i got nothing to say
life is feeling kind of strange, since you went away
i sing this song to you wherever you are
as my guitar lies bleeding in my arms

i'm tired of watching tv, it makes me ant to scream
outside the world is burning, man it's so hard to belive
each day you know you're dying from the cradle to the grave
i get so numb sometimes, that i can't feel the pain

i can't write a love song the way i feel today
i can't sing no song of hope i've got nothing to say
life is feeling kind of strange, it's strange enough these days
i send this song to you, whoever you are
as my guitar lies bleeding in my arms

staring at the paper, i don't know what to write
i'll have my last cigarette-well, turn out the lights
maybe tomorrow i'll feel a different way
but here in my delusion , i don't know what to say

i can't write a love song the way i feel today
i can't sing no song of hope i've got nothing to save
and i can't fight the feelings buried in my brains
i send this song to you, whoever you are
as my guitar lies bleeding
-Bon Jovi
(you got to hear it to feel it.)

around

there are friends and then there are friends.

enough said.

verge of being pissed.

home

dead beat. 11 hours bus rides are not to be taken lightly. trust me.

after the trip up, i have so many things to do i am still awake at this time. goodness.
paper work.
paper work.
paper work.

no time to think about other things. don't even have time to rest abit. just type type type. look at charts and talk to coach. ponder about other people's stuff.

what about me? no idea..lost in the shuffle.

need a break after this week of paper rush. i hope i can.

still waiting for some answers.

not hoping anything anymore. come what whever will come. what i want is irrelevant. others are more important to me, most of the time.

back to work.

away

i go again.

this time to malaysia, kedah. again to be national team manager. not too bad..starting to get used to it. kind of. i mean not very sure what are my duties, but doing what i can to help the team. admin stuff and planning. not problems..i hope.

heart and soul not in my work. still bothered..although i think i know what it is. i still don't know exactly why. i guess this is me. a klutz. dumb fool. *sigh*

casey, if you are reading this. take care and stay in there. when i get back i'll make time to meet up. it's been too long.

don't want to leave again..but also don't know what to do if i stay. heart and soul..lost. need to take some time to get moving at good speed again. on my own. kind of. already miss the friends i have here. needier than ever.

Gal 5:22
but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
Gal 5:23
meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

trudge on, mr ken.

'everytime i see you, well the rays of the sun are all
streaming through the waves in your hair
and every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes
like a spotlight
the beating of my heart is a drum and it’s lost
and it’s looking for a rhythm like you..'-Air Supply

truth and charity

hai sing's motto. and i believe.

at least this entire year. realise alot of my own faults and work to correct them..to make them right. as much as i can..i try to be a good person and a nice person. not easy and i fail sometimes. losing tempers and being mean and self-centered, once a while. not too good..but i will continue trying.

truth and charity..so hard to find these days. so many wrongs happening. maybe cause news spread faster and alos get more coverage in the news. but so many things going wrong. so many people doing immoral things. charity gone wrong. truth hidden. i used to too..stopped alot of them. hai..why do we only s@@ when it's too late.

think that people need to realise that no matter how you hide there are two entities that you can never hide from. yourself and God. even if you can live with what you can do, you still have to face all the mis-deeds when you depart from the world.

the returns may be more than you can bear.

have i changed or have i changed. the me two years ago would have scorned the me now. but no matter. i decided and i will follow it.

so many things i wish i hadn't lost..especially myself.

as i always..

do. survive and go on.

problem with me, as some friends say, is that i don't go all out for things i want. don't fight for them or take risks for them. i guess they are right to some extend..cause they are wants. perhaps then it's time to look at what i want and how muchi want thems.

quite lost in the work i need to do. need. so many things i don't know how to and need someone to guide me. feels so useless..but i guess it's just a learning phase.

joshy->thanks. =) not too bad now..goes up and down. but i refuse to believe we are in the middle middle..that makes us old men..!! haha..take care too pal.

i would if i knew what to do..

'the pain is real
even if nobody knows
and i'm crying inside
and nobody knows it but me'-Babyface

thinking

been home the entire morning. then went out for food and pay bills. mind cannot stop thinking.

wondering and conjecturing. the book i am reading also makes me think, exactly i am wishing it makes me think of things that are removed from my current life.

Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time. wonderful book. puts forth lots of ideas and theories as to how the universe came about and how will it end up. some theories actually points strongly to a creator's presense. like any minute change in how the universe is, even the deviance of a thousanth of a percentage of the weight of an electron, will effect a change so drastic that we may not exist. there may be no way to prove or disprove the presense of God, but to me the very fact that we are here supports the idea strongly.

anyhow..was thinking about how things come to be like this in my life. not only just the current thing that caused me some grief..but in general. the paths i took and the things i lost and gave up. came to some conclusion..but..well i..am i.

no idea what to think. don't really know why. but guess there isn't a need to know why. it's just a want. to know what failed..what is the reason for this to occur. hope, wish, pray. to no avail. it's just another broken dream.

reached the point where i realise i don't want anything. i no longer enjoy the journey. used to enjoy or rather lived it. even through the pains and losses..i kept strong and hoped and dreamed. now..i find myself wanting the journey to end. no longer do i want to experience anymore. i stopped wanting anything. day by day..i don't want to do anything. i just want to get away from eveything. things i used to enjoy..feels so dull. food taste bland. if it's just the current thing..then not too bad..but if the rest of my days are to be such..i'm in deep shit. nothing much i can do..but go on and hope for the best.

mix of feelings and thoughts. i know i don't mean some of them. it's just carried away by the moment.

Sonate au Clair de Lune

painkiller

i really don't want to be like this again. it hurts damn alot. way too much than it should.
what a fool again. told myself to not even have hope of it..but no..ken as usual have to fall in and get hurt.
no one's fault. just as things go. but damn..it hurts.
argh..how i wish. but wishes are just that. far away and unreal.
i thought the knife gone for good. but here it is right in front of me. in my chest again. though there's no wound and i am alive..that doea not mean i am well.
have the urge to ask 'why?' but somehow know that this is what it must come to eventually..sooner or later. why?
where is my cave? where's my hole? i need to hide. to break down again. facing the world with 'the ken' does not make ken ok. makes him worse. losing more of himself. giving up on dreams and turning towards loneliness. don't feel much hope left..for any of the dreams. no more strength..or rather don't want the strength to carry on.
needing company to stay sane. yet loathing it. who cares? who cares enough? who do i want to care? who will?
someone told ken before 'if you are a pillar for those around, you will always be lonely.' so far the statement is true.
ken don't like himself anymore. don't like the things he do. don't like the dreams he have. but he cannot bring himself to love himself more..to take care of himself. he..is lost. don't know who he wants to be. he feels like giving up.
time and again he tries..he stumble on..survives. but never leave. still at the same place.

你知不知道　思念一個人的滋味
就像喝一杯冰冷的水
然後用很長很長的時間　一顆一顆流成熱淚
你知不知道　寂寞的滋味
寂寞是因為思念誰
你知不知道　痛苦的滋味
痛苦是因為想忘記誰
你知不知道　忘記一個人的滋味
就像欣賞一種殘酷的美
然後用很小很小的聲音　告訴自己堅強面對
你知不知道　你知不知道
你知不知道寂寞的滋味
寂寞是因為思念誰
-巫启贤

seeking

solace in blogging..reading..praying.

i act alright, does not mean i am.