spectrum

been thinking about me, specifically my personality.

i am a introverted person, who likes to think about stuff carefully and am usually shy about meeting new people. this is my personal self.

i act extroverted, talk to people i barely know and crack random jokes. this is my public self.

when i did DISC and TJTA i was found to have personality type of Peacemaker.
Extract below from http://www.axiomsoftware.com/

This type of profile, showing a high level of Steadiness with no other balancing factors, is seen somewhat less often than many profiles. Steadiness is the factor of patience, calmness and gentle openness, and a pure High-S style will reflect these qualities. People of this kind are generally amiable and warm-hearted, being sympathetic to others' points of view, and valuing positive interaction with others. They are not outgoing by nature, however, and rely on other, more assertive, people to take the lead.
As in their general lifestyle, this type of person will look to more socially assertive people to initiate relationships of any kind - their solid, dependable outlook makes them far more suited to the maintenance of interpersonal relations than making initial contact. For this reason, their circle of friends and close acquaintances is often small but tightly-knit.
This person's particular strengths can be summarised as 'supportive'. They are dependable and loyal, this combines with an emotional literacy to make them particularly effective listeners and counsellors. They are also unusually persistent in approach, having the patience and restraint to work steadily at a task until it is achieved. This makes them unusually capable of dealing with laborious tasks that many other styles would simply not have the patience to complete.
The underlying patience of this type of person is the root of their motivating factors. They need to feel that they have the support of those around them and, more importantly, time to adapt to new situations. They have an inherent dislike of change, and will prefer to maintain the status quo whenever possible; sudden alterations in their circumstances can be very difficult for them to deal with. Once embarked on a task, they will wish to concentrate closely on it and see it through. Interruptions and distractions of any kind can be particularly demotivating in these situations.

though the test was taken about 2 years ago, i feel it still describes me pretty closely. while i can stay on mind about stuff, i get demotivated rather easily and if i am abandoned by whom i feel should have stuck by me, i kind of just implode. so, i am needy, even though i can stay on task at hand.

this is my personal self, what i really feel.

what i show outwardly when i coach is something different. i assume a coach persona. it have to be this way to a large extend. the confidence and the easy going nature, is not easy for me to cultivate. i must genuinely feel that what i do is right to build that confidence and show it out, which means i must be sure of what i do and to my best ability figure out that it's right. being so open and trying to be funny is the bigger problem. from introverted and thoughtful, i have to assume to be friendly and playful, and even to be assertive.

this public self thing drains me. after sometime like that, i would really need to spend some quiet time  i need to just be with my close friend(s), loved one and do something relaxing and be myself, my personal self. when i do not have time for this, i spiral down in to depressed mood and feel withdrawn from the world whenever i can. it's not healthy. so, while i can and do enjoy being outwardly fun and engaging, i need to balance with my own needs to be quiet and subdued. to feel loved even though i am not so fun.

so, this reflect what my 'brother' and i figured out years ago. we reached a conclusion that while i can said to be a balanced person, my balance is achieved by weighing two extreme ends carefully and constantly. when i go too far inwards, i should be somewhat more outgoing and after sometime being outgoing, i need to withdraw into being me again.

it's like how i have very strong opinions about some stuff and no opinion about others. it's either i have thought about it and have an opinion or i have not thought about it, or even more remotely, i thought about it and found no opinion about it.

i have learnt to live with myself and how to push myself to do more stuff. while it may not seem like it, but i do think alot about the future. i guess it does not seem so cause i rarely take big actions. when i do take actions, it's a series of smaller steps i suppose. this is my problem, i do not feel so comfortable taking huge risk and make big changes. and sometimes, it is necessary. what i have learnt is that, after considerations, if it is necessary, i just have to go at it boldly. if not, the time might pass and i am left with nothing. like now i suppose.

i can see how me, my personality and how i interact with the whole can be difficult to live with. just let me say this, if anyone reads this anyway, 'trust me. love me. i will make sure we are alright.' God bless. and good night.