recovering

you know those people who attends AA are suppose to never consider themselves 'recovered'. the addiction is a problem and the alcohol is a crutch for them. they tend to always have addiction problems, just how severe and to what. so they are all 'recovering addicts'. this keeps them in the perspective that they need to be constantly aware of the issue and stay strong to avoid being tempted again.

in this case, i think i see a parallel  with being what Christians like to called as 'saved'. we still sin. and we can still back slide, so to speak, and become further from God's grace. so instead of calling Christians 'saved', we should be 'being saved'. for every moment in this world can be a turning point when a person becomes tempted to leave God and His love, to fall into sin again. similar to AA, the term 'being saved' should help us to be aware of the fact that it's not over until we depart from here and return to the side of the Lord. and thus, keeps us on our toes and not act all haughty and holier-than-thou.

point being, until we are done here, while we still preserve our freedom of choice, as we still possess a will of our own, we can still turn from God and His ways. so, if we are keen to stay in His grace and mercy, we should always be aware of our own failings and sins. thus we should constantly, check ourselves, know our actions and ask for forgiveness for the wrongs that we did and ask for guidance and mercy so that we can be better.

truth is, i was thinking about something else, before my thoughts draw nearer to God and our relationship with Him on this earth.

i was rather confident that i am alright and will be good to meet up with friends and be friends. i was wrong. i still love Kim very much and being just friends hurts. i don't know if she feels the same. part of me wish that she does, and a small part hope that she doesn't. i am confused. as confused and hurt as a month or so ago.

i am not over her. maybe i am not even trying. i am trying to be better to be able to win her back. is that the right thing to do? i don't know, but for now those actions are the same i would take if i have no one i love. so carry on i go. only difference is that i miss her and wishes for us to be better and be more than friends.

that is up to God's plan, easy to say, hard to let go. pray i shall and do what i should do. what else can i do?

so i am still being saved and still in love. life taking new turns soon, and without a companion to speak to and discuss life with, it's.. ..rather hollow. i am never one to work for my own goals. am trying to set and go towards some, but it feels strange.

should have seen it coming when the roses died
should have seen the end of summer in your eyes
should have listened when you said, "goodnight"
you really meant goodbye
baby, ain't it funny, how i never ever learn to fall?
you're really on your knees when you think you're standing tall
but only fools are 'know it all's' and i played that fool for you

i cried and i cried there were nights that i died for you, baby
i tried and i tried to deny your love drove me crazy, baby

if the love that i've got for you is gone
if the river i cried ain't that long
then i'm wrong, yeah i'm wrong, this ain't a love song
-Jon Bon Jovi