fleeting

as i begin to think about what i want to type out, it struck me that the last post i had was also about a mourning. there's a saying, that when people get older, they only gather for red or white events, and even then, the red can skip, the white is a must. guess, to some extent, it's true. sad, but true.

as the parents, family, friends, colleagues and the nation mourns, i am reminded about the last time i had a student who passed away suddenly. even to this day, when i think about her, i will tear up. such potential unfulfilled. so young and untimely. so tragic. a loss irreparable. no matter if we were close or not, she was my student and that's enough for me to feel helpless and grieved that it happened.

to have this happen to a group of students and teachers, i scarcely believe it. and desperately wish it was otherwise. i cannot even begin to imagine the pain of the parents, teachers and schoolmates.

at such moments, we should give them space and be ready to give our support to show them that we respect the loss, but we are here for them as well.

in light of this state of mind, i am pissed that people are calling for the teachers, the school, the MOE, the PAP, the government to be responsible.

the earthquake is 'an act of GOD', a natural occurrence that had no warning, in a location that's not likely to have earthquakes. the teachers and students trained for the trip. this was not the first time the school had gone on this trip. all these, points to the fact that the students and teachers were well prepared and somewhat experienced in making this trip.

what else could have been done? short of not going on the trip.

the trip is for students leaders, who had parents permission. who had trained for the trip. were guided by teachers, local guide and guide from Singapore. what more can be done?

nothing more.

in every chance to grow and learn, there are risks. in everything we do or not do, there is risk. to allow our students to learn, to prepare and to overcome difficulties, we are building our nation's future. it must be done. risk must be assessed, planned for, even accepted to some extend and we go forth from there. to learn, to grow, to overcome.

i sincerely hope that the school continue to make this trip available to the students. there is nothing so cowardly and short-sighted as to admit defeat at the first sign of danger. nothing great will ever be accomplished.

it is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.
-Edmund Hillary

crescent moon and five stars

the past week was..difficult. the passing of Mr Lee Kuan Yew made me sadder than i expected. i laid on my bed in a daze when i saw the news on twitter. didn't feel like going to work, didn't feel like doing anything. went to work anyway. it's what he would do, get up and make it a better day.

tried to queue to pay respects at the Parliament House. turned away when the soldier gave an estimated time-line that i couldn't afford that day. also, met some unpleasant situation in the queue that day and didn't want to stay in the queue angry.

on the day that was the final send off, state funeral and all, i was relieved of my duties at my work actually. i woke up and went anyway. lucky i did, there were too much crowd and too little manpower to filter and control. and when it poured, situation got worse, with many seeking shelters for their elderly parents or young children. gave out ponchos and umbrellas, offer sheltered best that i could, in the end even gave up my own umbrella to a family of four, with two young kids with one umbrella between them.

i felt like i didn't do enough, that what i did was duty, only duty. i felt i have not reached into the recess of my being and do what i could. i felt, inadequate.

in the shadows of his passing, i thought about his family, especially hong and hao. knowing them, they will be grieved and yet contain it within themselves to try to help everyone else i the family. they are are strong and close-knit family, they will grow and do greater things in time to come. but at this moment, their grief must be great indeed. to not even have a moment of peace with their yeye. to be in the spotlight from the onset. to share with everyone, sincere or not. even at the end, they were not alone among family. i don't know how they felt, perhaps they are already used to this. perhaps they don't mind and even seek solace and comfort knowing that their grief is shared by many and their yeye is proudly claimed as friend in many high places. thank you, for letting Singapore take so much of him.

i don't know. i wish i could offer whatever i could as a friend and be of more help.

beyond my musings, i have noticed a few points that i would like to type here to remember them better than my memory could.

the volunteers and uniformed forces, SPF, SAF, CD and medical crews, really really admire their efforts. the changing situation and quick deployment must have been a major disruption to many people's plans, but they did it. they worked through the night, stood in the sun and in the pouring rain. forgoing their comforts to provide for others. even the officers went on the ground to support their men and did the same saikang. salute! my fellow Singaporeans.

in the queues to pay our last respects to Mr Lee, there were many things that pissed me off. people taking selfies as if they are going to a concert. if you are to take one or two at scenic locations along the way, fine, you are being an ass, but a tolerable ass. if you keep taking every 10 minutes and have happy smiling face, you are being a fucker. we are going to pay our respects to LKY and you can take your fucking selfies non-stop along the way. knnbccb, go home lock your door throw away the key and burn yourself to death!
another thing was the queue cutting. a group of ITE students just happily went outside the line and went ahead while laughing and saying 'why not why not.' indeed why not, uneducated, unwashed, uncultured chee byes. no wonder the man was afraid of literate but uneducated Singaporeans. seems like we have more illiterate and uneducated people these days. and again, while being told to sit and wait on the Padang holding area, some groups of cocksters just ignored the instructions and walked slowly forward and tried to get into the holding area in front. hello! this is not a game, walking slowing and not making noise doesn't mean you cannot be detected.. shameless.

it is a mournful thing, a respectful thing to go and pay respects to a person. by doing all these cockanaden things, seriously, might as well stay home and masturbate.

and lastly about the media. the extreme media views on both sides. they were expected, some were fair, some were biased, some were childish and some were heartfelt. what i thought was the most malicious were from foreign medias trying to portray LKY as a huge villain, using his interviews, taken out of context, patching them to give a perspective of a man that cheated the nation. there are many things in Singapore that are not as 'free' as the rest of the world, and that in my opinion, is a good thing. we should not disclose the details of our reserves and our holdings. we should not remove laws that prevent politicians from lying about one another. we should not care whether the next PM surname is Lee, Li or Goh. We should not use today's world view to view what was done in the past. last time, mata also wear shorts.

like many who offered fair views, i agree that he did what he thought was best and necessary. he knew the actions were not worth the risk of not doing them, even if they might be wrong or unethical. he did them and faced the consequences, that only he knew in his heart, for what? so that we here have what we have. and what we have is plenty.

my family struggles more than most, i would say, financially and otherwise. we survive and still have a roof, still have meals everyday and goodness! i'm even on the internet and my parents are still watching TV! we can complain, he knew it since the 70s, but through he passing, we also recognised that his vision and leadership built this nation for the better. he took a strong team, pushed them to turn this tiny island into something bigger than it's parts summed up.

turn a page

was looking forward to the new year. hoping that it will signal a much needed change in the direction of my life. most things are in place and moving ahead.
fell sick on 31st dec. same old problem of throat infection, usually occurring when i am too stressed for too long or simply not sleeping enough for some time. this time i guess it was both. am down with it quite bad, am feeling weak and in pain most of the time.
not sure what to make of it. gain some, lose some. gain again. what am i to do? should i stay in my comfort zone or should i try for something that seem beyond my reach now. that's going to take some time to see through.
in the year 2014, i learnt to grow and lend a helping hand even when i do not know how to help, and along the way i have learn much more. it is not easy and it can be frightening, but i guess it all turn out well enough. people come and people go. not all see that you are still you and just wanting to have some time with friends.
the most important change is the change in mindset, it is also the most difficult for most people.
rambling along, not sure what to type out now. in pain and partially hopeful, partially fearful.

home alone

even as the seasons pass by
and the years gone
there are no roots

even as the shelter nourishes
and the body rests
this isn't comfort

time and time again
failure knocks on the door
from within

yet again once more
the exit tempts me
to leave this house which is not home.

so disappointing. everytime i climb up and be better, i get dragged down and trapped. angry at the circumstances, angry at the losses, angry at the ineptness and the stupidity that permeates through these walls.

disappointing that even as i was a confidant and a peer, i am nothing now. maybe i was nothing all along.

fuck this shit.

baggage

it's another year gone. another tick of the number on th age thingy.

been putting off typing down something for a long time. partly, i don't really know how i feel or what to think about all these, and partly i am afraid of the things that i try to keep hidden.

this year have been good. i have a new job that i pretty enjoy and am pretty good at, which also pays alright. re-started studying. making progress in this adult modern life thing in this country.

this year have been challenging. studies are harder and i have less time for it. have not had time to pursue my own interests and been slogging for what others expect of me. money is still tight even with a flow coming in.

this year is down right fucked up. i'm the only one working at home now. brother sick. mom chronically ill. dad pretty much useless. that's where my pay goes, paying for most of everything. saving abit, pay for studies. poof! magic. like how my shirts and clothings can go missing from being washed at home. magic.. poof..like money..
feeling so frustrated, so trapped, and so angry. why is everyone so useless..

i'm on the verge of giving up something. studies, family or myself.

having no time to do my own thing also eats at me. i am not recovering properly. i have worse insomnia now. i get more shoulder pains now. i get ankle pains without running or anything. my fuse is tremendously short once i'm out of work-mode..especially at home.

can't seem to find a balance. can't seem to see a way out.

ohana? family?

i rather leave these all behind..responsibilities all on my shoulders..all for nothing..good for nothing now..

perhaps i'll feel different someday..

good..bad..suck it up and trudge on.
life's hard? take a shot of whisky and keep going.

all fall down

on a day like this..everything goes wrong together.

no damn thing to do about it. retreat into my own space. my cocoon.

except that it's empty now. all that i am, is work and other people's priorities.

no longer me. no longer my dream.

and my soul is no more.

rant

1. on a bus, 2 guys and a gal came on. they were chatting about how fast time flies and how just 4 years ago they volunteered at the YOG. 

dumbass guy1 said, 'this year quite dumb, they have asian games also to clash with YOG, Asian game some small chapalang competition go clash with YOG, damn dumb..' 

i nearly wipe his face off his head.

2. on a crowded like sardine can MRT, some woman called her friend and wanted to meet her on the train and proceeded to squeeze through half the known world to meet her. in the process, managed to realigned the continents with her freaking momentous rear end!!

3. some piss ass young NS serving young part timer punk come talk rot to my colleagues and act beng. if there is justice instead of laws, you will be fed through tubes for the rest of your life.

let it fall

cause i am tired of holding up my world.

fucking cliff

after run, go home to a house full of smokers and drunks.

how the fuck do i stay healthy?

tired vs fatigued

i'm tired from work.

i'm fatigued cause you don't seem to care.

2/12

another month have passed. don't seem to find words to put out these days.

even when hanging with friends, i seem to have less to talk. i read and game and play and work, but i don't seem to have much to say. i think about stuff and have opinions, but don't really want to voice them most of the time, the world is more of a stranger now.

hope in a week or so, i will have started my job and continue to work towards my goals. hope that in a month, things will be more settled and everything move in a less stressful manner.

much change. very tired.  force of will.

2014

Last year ended bad..this year started worse.

I still have things to be thankful for, and for those I'm blessed.

nearly there

it's been a long time since the last update. to anyone who is reading and following, which i doubt, i apologise.

been focusing one my jobs. been trying to get ahead in life. been..pushing myself and going for more than i have tried before.

things are not very well. not doing so well in my job and thinking what else could i do and what other things can let me reach my goals. so many things holding me back, but the only thing that really matters is that i hold myself back.

nothing to do, except keep going. and keep my eyes on target.

learning again

the pain, the hurt, the difficulties and the struggles of expecting more..and losing it.

makes me want to retreat into my shell where there is no hurt and expectations. no desires and disappointments.

tides.

footing

walking on and trying to settle stuff on many fronts.

still many obstacles and difficulties ahead. i do not know what will happen, but i find myself less afraid and more willing to try. taking risks like these would stump me last time, now i feel..rather empowered. i have already lost much, what worse can happen..?

i know much worse can happen, but the fear of that is overshadowed by the potential of what i can achieve.

i still find myself thinking too much at times and bogging myself down with thoughts and not actions. still learning the balance and trying to find my own balance.

the days are still dark, but i feel hopeful.

ender's end

just finished reading the main plot(i think) of the ender's series. the ending was not as climatic as i thought it could be. i think it was the writing style, laying the things down as they happen and tying up the loose ends.

it's an awesome series. the issues exposed there are huge and intimate at the same time. and i feel they are very important questions for us all. the stories are believable and characters grow and have sufficient depth. it's easily the best story i have read. having a great central character who is very human and understandable, having a great story that stems from many small stories of many people and places and most of all, having the wonder of discovery throughout the story.

it have definitely shape the way i think in the short one week. i can feel myself changing and being molded as i experience the characters' struggles. i learn new ways of thinking and being from the challenges and pain in the books.

yes i am a huge fan now.

and as i embark on another journey of my life, hoping to walk on strongly with dignity and hope. i ponder, but try to stop myself from being stuck. i move on, as sometimes we come to a point where holding on to the life that was once ours, have become a coffin on our backs. and to break free from it is to give ourselves freedom, to be once again us.

to be me. to be free to be me. to be free to learn to be me. the end of one, is the beginning of many others. as it have done it's part, we let it go. not without yearning or pain, but knowing that there is a time for everything.

seeing through

it's the what? spotlight effect? self-centered-ness in humans?

i thought what i did and was doing, and even to some extend, thinking, was obvious. and that people knew, but avoided speaking to me about it cause it was impolite or not their business. i suppose i think i was wrong. nobody knows much, or even think about that what i was doing was more than on the surface.

has it been concluded that it will go one way or another? certainly not, in my opinion. though that is perhaps the reflection of my own confusion and doubt.

we'll see..we'll see..

count down

give myself two weeks to figure this out.

i think it's more or less a done deal..just need some time to let things happen as they do while i ready myself.

learnt to push myself higher and focus more, even under adverse conditions. i love it. though i made some mistake, i still did good in my own eyes. got to up the game.

resist fail

i am now confused. i don't even know how i feel.

suddenly tossed into the deep end again.

who am i even?

question

so now the question is..

why am i even trying?
why do i keep trying?
what do i think i am?

ok..that mean the first statement here is wrong..it should be..plural.

i carry a lot of emotional baggage. trying to let them go. failing. perhaps..one way or another, i am destined to fail. only to succeed in being a negative example.

bordering on the line of being sober and drunk.
formation of thoughts is like a jigsaw.
still my own mental barrier serves as a force of will to keep me going.

my only wish is that, the day i break, i won't be harming anyone, anymore.

dealt

being rather introverted have it's bad times and good times. add some depression into the mix, there is not much light in the world through these weary eyes.

being introverted is not like having an extrovert self that don't know how to get out and show itself. it's more like..enjoy deep and meaningful exchange that really want to get to the bottom of things and really really know someone or something. it's tiring and yet fulfilling. when being forced to deal with mundane and superficial things, it's tiring and not fulfilling at all. and thus it becomes draining.

being introverted, like many would say, also means we need our own time and space more than others. we recharge by being alone with our thoughts or a good book or nothing or a game, a movie, a song.. i can totally see myself enjoying that, alone.

it's not that we cannot socialise, it's just perhaps more tiring and strange compared to how extroverts feel when dealing with people. i force myself to deal with people on a rather uncomfortable platform all the time, and it does get easier, but no less draining. and at the end of it, i would love to have some time to myself or just a few close friends.

now all that seem rather normal. but sometimes i get depressed. not like major depression, but i do wish i could go there and actually feel what the deep end feels like. then maybe i won't want to go there anymore. and i also fear that once i get there, i cannot get out. and that's not to mention the responsibilities that i have, and are still growing. even though i am alone and living with my parents, the amount of responsibilities i take on keep growing. i..can manage, but i know not for how long more.

the nights are getting longer and my days are filled with less smiles. perhaps it's time to leave.

mirror : 1

many years ago, i did something wrong. and to erase that which i did, i allowed something to happen which was terrible. and as time went by, it happened a few more times and with each passing i was less affected by it. i lost my feelings for the morality of it and i became..trapped.

some part of me knows it. know it to be a horrible thing to allow and continue to ignore the responsibilities i had for it. and yet, some part of me block that off and continue to be me.

it's been part of me since then, it's not something you forget. even in the brightest of days and the happiest of moments, the memory can come back and i am humbled and depressed. i knew the severity of it and that i had the power to stop it, but i didn't. my choice was to be blind. and now, there is nothing i can do to recover what i let go and no way that i can atone for any of that.

my only hope is that, there is a better world out there for those i let down.

for me, i don't know anymore. some part of me don't even dare to try anymore.

clean

clean in the body, clean in the mind. one is easy and the other is tricky.

been reducing food intake, clean of alcohol and eating lots more fruits and veggies. feels like..a strange thing..like..i don't like it, but i want to do it. i want to break free of my wants and my useless habits. gaming much less now. thinking and studying much more.

and yet..i am lost. i don't know myself. i don't know what i want. i am trying to get better at my studies and my job, and they seems so hard now that i have more time for them. it's the same, but my increase in effort, yields no improvements. it's been months. i am disappointed in myself. i don't know what else i should be doing.

and now..many things that i have been doing is crumbling around me. i think i know who is trying to take me down. i know i can survive and do something else..something better even. i just cannot seem to find out what is it that i want to do. what is it that i need. is my life just like that? survive and breath moment to moment.

what am i to do?

if only it was that simple..

i think many people still do not understand the way economy works in this modern times. i do not profess a good knowledge as well, but i try to read and understand more about the world in general and how it ticks.

i see many people getting angry about 6.9mil. angry with retiring later. angry with..i don't know..MRT breaking down sometimes? crowded on bus? good FOREIGN prof not given tenure? kids cannot get course of choice in local U?

so many whining people..!! why??

let's see..we need the population to pay taxes to continue to give the same or better access to medicine and health care as well as other infrastructures in the country. we need a certain percentage of working adults earning a certain amount to reach the amount that the country needs to run on. so, it is pro-business, which creates jobs, which create taxes. right?

it's not only happening to us. in other countries, they are also trying to attract big companies, which will in turn want their own people in certain places to run the show. which means, we will have foreigners. i think there are people who are unhappy with foreign talents taking our jobs. the only way is to prove that we can do a better job or create our own jobs. unfortunately, many companies, to cut cost, decides to hire foreigners, which may or may not be cheaper. and certainly some would complain that Singaporeans lack the drive and such..it's our own fault to create such a situation.

since the figures for lower end foreign workers are reduced to lower the job snatching from our own people, we need more people to work. so it makes sense that a fixed number of population, needs to work more years. so why are they angry at maybe needing to work longer? people ask for less foreigner, gov reduce foreigners, people need to work to replace foreigners, people complain. like..similan? this also applies to higher paying jobs. less foreigners, more locals need to work. else..jobs go elsewhere and SG loses appeal to companies..then we are in deep shit.

on notes that i do agree with the noise makers are that we are seriously quite crowded. i do understand that having a large population is good for the economy and such, i think this fake growth is dangerous and unreliable in terms of giving economical figures. it will collapse someday and we should have something to back that up if it should collapse in a  disastrous manner.

i think sometimes, we take things for granted..in general as Singaporeans. other places can be better in some terms and worse in come cases. being Singapore, i think we have done well. and to keep up being excellent is tougher than getting here in the first place. i think the gov is slowly learning to be more accommodating to people's ideas and wants. it's good for some, and not enough for others. we'll see..

the problem i see with many people is that they know only the big news and the picture painted by the media, regardless of what media they subscribe to. then they make noise. the real situation have got more facets and more concerns than what the media can or will say. if we, as citizens, are not willing to learn more and think about the issues, we have only ourselves to blame for 'being fooled' by the media. both sides of the media also wayang, supporters on both sides also, not thinking clearly in many of the situation. the solution is not simple and i venture to say, requires individuals to think as individuals for the good of the nation. to do that, we need to read to find out more and know more, then to think how it will impact us and then what would/could be better.

instead of being sheeps, one way or another, we need to be citizens.

silver lining

i think i am rather relieved that the shooting that happened today was by the bombing suspects, and not another pair of crazees. it's still not a good thing to happen, but at least it's not a new threat vector.

must be stressful in Boston now. friends, please stay safe.

up to speed

when i look back on my life, i can remember what i did, what i did not and what i regret. i do not remember how i felt, what i thought nor what i felt proud of.

it feels as if my past have been a movie that i watched and went through without thought. there are so many things i would change and do differently. so many things i regret. somehow i have to dig through these and come to terms with it and move on.

keeping them suppressed and hidden would hurt me, according to many research. i think i understand and feels it somewhat. my lethargy, my lack of motivation and my difficulty in finding my passion is probably a manifestation of my repression.

i am not sure if i can do it on my own without a psychologist/counselor/coach, but i am going to try. day by day. like how i am trying to lose weight. no magic, just pure, hard work. reduce calorie, increase exercise. push through it.

no time to dally and no time to wait for miracles.

i am somewhat feeling more comfortable in my own skin now. i am still not really clear about what i want to do with myself, but i know what i want in the short term and mid term, more importantly i know what i can do, and by God's grace, i will do what i can.

i am more comfortable being vocal, being silent and being Ken. no need to be a coach. no need to be a student. Ken is all those. learning to switch hats.

this morning before my run, read about and saw pictures about the bomb blast at the Boston Marathon. it brought back memories of 9/11. not the same scale. probably not even the same reasons, but nonetheless, same effect on the victims. innocent lives are lost and innocent people are hurt. seeing the pictures of runners with legs needing amputation, really hit it home for me. reading that 100s of them could be needing amputation is simply overwhelming.

there are times, when i imagine how i would feel if i suddenly lost my arms or fingers and cannot shoot archery again. the anguish and the pain is really unbearable. i cannot imagine what those runners are going through right now. pray that God will give them strength and grace to go through this very difficult time.

there are violence everyday in different parts of the world. there is no denial that tragedies are happening all the time to all sorts of people in every country and situation, what makes this special for me is the fact that a marathon is an event that have no political, religious, national affiliation. it is simply a human thing to run. to celebrate a freedom that is basically God-given. it was not targeting blacks or whites, or Americans, Chinese, Koreans or Christians, Muslims or Jews, it just wanted to cause harm and hurt. the first reported casualty was an 8 year old kid. i mean, come on, what kind of fucking terrorists are these? grow some balls and some brains.

been trying to study, but this simply occupied my mind. i hope that the people there will endure and be stronger than ever. we will survive. we will persevere. God have mercy.

finding me.

not much

thanks to anonymous for the encouraging words. i am trying, but i still find myself doubting. so not really changed and moving on.

it's like there is something wrong with the way i think, i cannot see myself being more and being better, i try, but without that confidence, it's all uphill.

lost too much to believe.

slightly sorted

had a good meeting with my managers to discuss my problems and what i should try to work on and how to be better. they are both very encouraging and understanding, i feel i am letting them down. because i know i am letting myself down.

i can do better. i can do more. i can put in more effort. and all these i have done. and yet i find myself, able to do more. that is what i must do. even though i have nothing to show for it. it's like archery, i can only try to improve myself, my skills, my mental game and my efforts. the results, may or may not show, but if i never hit the road, i am not going anywhere.

there are certainly times when i hate myself. what i have done and not done. what i did to others and now try to be better. it all seems so fake, so forced and so futile.

time is running out..

gah..

where did i go wrong? why are things all so difficult? can somebody please talk to me?

tipping point

i am so flimsy. just some speck of news about you, that have nothing to do with me and i become like some heart broken emo kid.

been having good productive days last week or so. really want to keep the momentum going and achieve more this year. been lagging far too much and now finding the courage and groove to really step out and up.

some things i can brush aside, but certain things just hook on to me and drag me down. i have got to be stronger and tougher. there are things waiting for me to do. this is not time to tip backwards.

there can be no real despair without hope. but is there really..?

hello, my friend

it seems that you are back.

what is the purpose of your visit? i do not recall that there is any matter that require your presence in my life again.

please leave at the soonest convenience.

i do not need you.

leave and never come back.

another lunar new year

this is the sloppiest new year clean up i ever did. i blame it on being sick and being kind of depressed. this year was more last minute than last year, and last year was a bad bad year for me. didn't really go through my stuff to clean up. didn't really wanted to. no energy to deal with deciding what to throw and what to keep.

being sick is really draining, especially if it drags out over weeks. and doesn't help that i am not doing so well in life these weeks. 'stamina', my manager told me. sometimes we are down and just need to keep it going. i know that on a intellectual level, but emotionally, i just want to quit and leave.

no easy way out.

of people and love of God.

the debates about LGBT issues recently have kept me rather interested. not because i am one but i have friends who have tendencies and some are struggling to deal with it themselves and some are having issues at work or in their families for being the way they are. 

i remember some years back i had a female classmate who was slightly confused for being a Christian and yet liking a girl. we wasn't close friends and didn't really talk much, but i guess she saw something in me to confide in me regarding this while we were waiting for our respective coffees. i remember clearly i told her, 'So?'. and she was perplexed, that being a Christian how can i say that and dismiss her feelings for a girl. i told her it didn't matter and God love us and wants us to love people. that was the end of it, i guess i was not much of a help to tell her how to lead her life.

at that point in my life i was a new Christian of maybe 2-3 years only. what mattered to me was not how to condemn people for their wrong doings, but rather how to help them find the God that forgives them and loves them. that was how i came to be a Christian and that is how i want to talk to people about this God that i came to know.

i have read the Bible completely twice and don't pretend to have a complete underwstanding of how God thinks or what are His plans. i also do not remember much of it. i do remember that in the Old Testaments there are alot of rules regarding how to lead one's life and what to do for the proper worship of God. if we are to follow the book to the letter, we are all going to hell. we all fall short. and come the New Testaments and Jesus. the story of Jesus is how he condemn the rituals and reminded people of the love of God and God's creations. He worked with sinners and loved them. He healed them and ate with them. He gave them hope and turned even them to God's love.

Matthew 22: 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 

38 This is the first and great commandment. 

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

to me, this is the essence of Jesus's teachings. as He came to serve and save us, the underlying reason is God's love, and He wants us to reciprocate and spread that love to others. not to condemn and not to judge.

John 8:7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

this debate regarding the repeal of 377A is very heated with people feeling that the law remains an ax over their heads even though no one have been prosecuted. while law is not enforced, it remains a threat to the LGBT community and their expression of themselves. the other side that wants the law retained also feels threatened that if the law is repealed, there will be a moral degradation in the society at large and the falling into sin even more. while i am largely uneducated in this matter, i feel that the law takes away the right of people who are doing no harm to others.

will openly gay people make straight people gays? will it tempt them? i do not think it will happen anymore than the other way round.

i have friends who are open about it and some who are still avoiding the issue publicly. they are still my friends. they are still God's creation.

Psalm 37 : 1-10

Psa 37:1 Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.
Psa 37:2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.
Psa 37:3 Trust in the LORD, and do good; [so] shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
Psa 37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Psa 37:5 Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring [it] to pass.
Psa 37:6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
Psa 37:7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
Psa 37:8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.
Psa 37:9 For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.
Psa 37:10 For yet a little while, and the wicked [shall] not [be]: yea, thou shalt diligently consider his place, and it [shall] not [be].

first in 2013

first blog post in 2013. thought about it since around Christmas and only started writing now.
first work day in 2013. stayed the longest and did the least work at the same time. =) just catching up with friends there!
first team meal in 2013. had a great time being motivated and at the same time pushed to do better.

love it.

another year have passed..

and since the last 365 days much have changed. within me and in the world at large.

i have lost a partner in life. got and lost jobs. started studying again. and begun to think that i should start to become awesome instead of being just plain Ken.

coming months and years will still be challenging in many aspects and i do not know if i can handle properly. but i know one thing..that is that i will become better.

world..the people you hold are mostly self-serving retards. hang in there. because you have in your sphere of influence and existence all my possessions and my loved ones.=)

senseless

it's got nothing to do with me. it's far away and happened to no one i know. and yet i feel hurt. i am sad and depressed over it. i may be too sensitive and perhaps i am drawn to emotional hurt and cling to it. i tend to hurt for too long and hold on for too long.

this, as Obama said, have happened too many times. it's senseless, it's needless, it's ridiculous.

a 'mad man' go on a rampage and kills a number of people with gun(s). some people will say ban guns except for people with a legal right to use them. the opposite will say, it's not guns that kill people, it's the people who are mad that pulls the trigger and other weapons can kill as well.

let's put it this way. when i think i am going to crush your head with my bare hands, you don't die. when i pick up a knife and stab you, you can escape that as easily as running away. when i have a gun and i have the element of surprise, there is almost no doubt that you will die.

say i have a knife, no a sword, or even a spear, how many can i kill before i am over powered or all who are threatened run away so that i cannot do them harm. if i have a gun with enough ammo, or even two gun, just in case, how many can i kill before i am overpowered or neutralized?

no one will argue that it's the people behind the weapons that are the killers. the difference is the method and the ease of killing. how many people can be killed in a given time frame with a given weapon and how easily it can be avoided or neutralized?

as for arming more 'good people' with guns to fight back when such things happen, let's me just say two words : arms race. say you legalize hand guns, pistols and revolvers, these supposed disturbed persons will go for body armor and rifles, SMGs and what not. there was a case where two bank robbers suited up in bomb squad body armor was only taken down after hours of gun fight. then the police allowed patrol cars to have high powered rifles in the trunks to counter these type of events. then the drug gang are reported to now have AKs and RPGs to fight the police. soon, we will have police riding in APCs instead of Chevrolets.

and to add to that, say there are more than one gunman crazee, then there are armed people shooting at them. in a confused situation, how can the police tell who to trust, who to shoot, who to help? you could easily end up helping the crazee kill the innocent and no one the wiser until much later! and if there are armed resistance to these crazees, they would more likely take precaution and very likely take hostage to secure themselves longer.

what is the solution? my opinion, totally uneducated, is to restrict guns to those who need it, law enforcement and armed forces, and licensed hunters who show proficiency, no criminal record and so on. and on top of that, those who keep guns at home have to have a gun locker that is tagged to signal to the police when opened without proper password or access, and in case there is an emergency and the gun is needed for self defense, that could signal to the police that something is wrong without even calling them.

based on statistic, the US do not have the highest rate of violent crime, but they do have the highest number of death due to violent crimes. it shows something, doesn't it?

dreams

i had a really strange one last night.

dreamed that i was being checked on, like as in a physical exam or something, with a paper check list and boxes besides some description. someone i still love and want to be with was doing the checking, ticking off the list.

cannot remember the list properly now, but there are parts about getting life together, getting a job, being a good person and somethings like that through out the list. there were two boxes left unchecked, one was getting a degree and the other was something i don't remember.

wanted to write it down, but was busy the whole day in office and went for appointments. well..more work to do to be better.

not sure if anything can still happen. but hopes for a better tomorrow drives me on. tough and sometimes feels like giving up, but eventually get it together..hopefully.

burning

where is the fiery passion of our youth? where is the all or nothing mentality that movies so readily portrays? who will go on to do everything for someone for something that really matter?

are we, as a society too safety oriented? are we so scared of failing that we take less risk than previous generations? as one overseas friend told me, Singapore is a soft society, there is no hard edge, no real challenge and no real failures to be experienced. with this softness, we lack the drive to pursue dreams and take risks?

failure in modern society does not always occur immediately and suddenly. many a times, it creeps up on us and traps us, like frogs in a slow boiling pot. before we know it, we have no more options, no more chances and no more ways to survive. many small things can contribute to failures and having a lowered risk appetite and lowered drive to dream big, in my opinion, can become crippling without any sense of it at all.

for whom or what do we burn for? are we are simply satisfied to live as life takes us along and survive with our modern lifestyle and all it's distractions? something each of us must answer to ourselves.

too late for me to ramble on. too drowsy to think straight. too sad to feel motivated. or should it be 'in spite of' and not 'because of'.? hmm...

on and on

more things fail around me. i have to go on and do what i have to do.

no chance to relax now. too much at stake. gah..

no clear sign. perhaps..perhaps..perhaps not..

unexpectedly

good times..bad times..sometimes..just happens.

learn from it. grow with it. deal with it.

mood

having a really bon jovi mood. it's like all their songs suits me fine today.

'my guitar lies bleeding in my arms'
'starting all over again'
'it's my life'
'blaze of glory'
'living on a prayer'

good lunch day with an awesome person.

meh

due to work and other unrelated causes, this is the most unhappening birthday in years.

sad, but not devastated. thinking about work. and stuff. and someone else. bah.

06111980

happy birthday to me.

you are not alone

another day has gone
i'm still all alone
how could this be
you're not here with me
you never said goodbye
someone tell me why
did you have to go
and leave my world so cold

everyday i sit and ask myself
how did love slip away
something whispers in my ear and says
that you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

but you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart
but you are not alone

'lone, 'lone
why, 'lone

just the other night
i thought i heard you cry
asking me to come
and hold you in my arms
i can hear your prayers
your burdens I will bear
but first i need your hand
then forever can begin

everyday i sit and ask myself
how did love slip away
something whispers in my ear and says
that you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart
for you are not alone

Whisper three words and i'll come runnin'
and girl you know that i'll be there
i'll be there

you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay
for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart

for you are not alone...

flying time

it's been some months since i started going down this road. choices have been made and being reinforced.

i am still just starting to walk. it's time to start picking up the pace, or i'll be staying the same for too many years.

looking back, i can see that i have been trying very hard in this area. too hard and too long. too narrow minded to look beyond and listen to advise given by so many people. regret is too late..sorry too hollow. the only thing i should be doing is do. i got to go on and do.

many shit going down at home. got to hold it till i can stand and walk on my own properly.

wish. hope. do.

presently distracted

it's been quite some time, and yet i still feel rather hurt. i guess it'll take longer than this to let me walk free. i think part of it is myself not wanting it to be free from it.

i understand. i know. yet i cannot accept it. i am doing what i said i would be doing and yet it's all gone and here i am all alone going at the world and struggling. i have my own targets and goals. and i am having fun and growing. yet i am angry..and sad.

there are so many things that i wanted to do with you. asked you to go do them. and you or i always have some reason not to do them. and now you are all doing them with other people. i cannot help but be angry.

all i want to do is to punch the world and let it explode.

i am not ok. i breath and walk. i work and play. but i am less than what i was. i find it difficult to build myself up on the inside even though on the outside i am already much better than i was.

anger leads to hate. hate leads to pain and suffering for the person who holds the hate. i am me.

losing balance

as i go along trying to fit in and be better in the general world, i find myself being more and more irritated and angry. at the world and with myself.

the general wrongness of the society's systems bugs me. i cannot think of a better way, yet i know the current system is bad for us, bad for the world and cannot last.

helpless before the machine. rage.

define ourselves

We talk about our struggles.
We're friends, fellow travelers on this journey. She keeps repeating a phrase, "I'm the girl who...."
It's the phrase I've heard from the lips of hundreds of women. From my own too.
We face a challenge and redefine ourselves by it.

Here are some I've said:
I'm the girl who has social anxiety.
I'm the girl who has depression.
I'm the girl who can't have children.
Those sentences trap us, limit us, make us believe we are our worst moments.

I clear my throat and whisper quietly into the phone what has set me free...
"That's not who you are, friend, it's where you are right now."

She sighs with relief and says the words that are like candy for my ears, "You need to write about this on your blog." So here we are. Because I need to hear this truth more than once...and maybe you do too.
Your struggle is not your identity.
It's your location at the moment.

If there were spiritual GPS, we could locate your spot in the desert. Imagine you did so with me and I said, "This place is my identity forever." You'd shake your head and say, "You're on your way to the Promised Land! This is just a temporary stop!"

Then you'd remind me...
I'm the girl who is God's daughter.
I'm the girl with strengths placed within me for a purpose.
I'm the girl who's unconditionally loved by Someone who can get me through anything.

Where we are in life changes.
Who we are stays the same wherever we may go.
Where are you today, friend?
And who are you, really?

Words of encouragement by Holley Gerth. For more hope and encouragement, visit her blog Heart to Heart with Holley

guiding words and light

these days at church, the sermons seems to be so enlightening to my life's problems. it's like every week, God is trying to point out to me what i did wrong and how to fix them.

 i have been self-centered. i didn't think so, i thought i was fine and thoughtful, but i wasn't. most of the time, i was just being me and not really caring with paying attention. like, follow my way or you are wrong and i will educate you. so now, i shall endeavor to be really caring about others when listening and talking about them.

i have been taking people for granted. this is a continuation of the above carelessness. so you are here and i deserve your attention and care, while i will continue with what i am doing and you fit yourself in somehow. this is not the right way for any relationship or friendship. there have to be give and take.

then finally, treating others as equals. i think i have this problem for the longest of time. i have always somehow unknowingly, put people below me or above me, never equal. they are either more gifted than i or plain idiots. people have strengths and weaknesses, like i do.

i must learn to acknowledge them and learn how to deal with people properly. i hope these stays with me and make me better as time goes by and i learn to better relate to others.

persistance

if nothing else, i am that. and not always for the better of results.

now knowing when to stop is not a good thing. but if you stop, how can you know if more effort will make a difference?

keep calm and keep going.

components

i know what i am missing in my life. but it's not up to me.

somehow, somewhere, sometime, things will fall in place. i still have faith. one way or another my path will become clearer.

right now. do what i do and do my best. that's what it's all about. i may not chose everything in my life, but i can chose what i do with them.

Thank God for the good friends that we meet less than enough and yet they pull us through the tough times. I pray that i am a blessing to them as they are to me.

satisfaction

tough circumstances and lack of time. changing requirements and body weak. in the end, i did well.

i trained very little. had to leave half way through ranking, ok not half way, but after one end. and i did what i could..and was rather happy. did good shots when it mattered and scored the best in my team.

God, our heavenly Father, thank you.

leaders

been thinking about this for a long time and i have strong opinions about this issue.

many schools and institutions, even businesses have been saying or implying that everyone can be taught to be a leader somehow. our own army have been saying the same thing. every soldier a leader. leadership camps. talks that 'teaches' about leadership and courses to make you a netter leader. i disagree to a large extend.

leader. someone who leads. leads others. if everyone, every soldier, every school child is a 'leader'. what's there left to lead?

every organization have a structure, which serves a purpose and puts every member in a place to fulfill their role and ultimately the purpose of the organization. i can bet you my left kidney, that there is no organization where everyone is a leader. someone have to follow orders and do some menial task somewhere.

perhaps some of the problems that arises when doing group work stems from this mentality. everyone a leader, so everyone wants things done their way. even in a democracy or a republican system, there are leaders and followers, you either vote the people who speaks for your beliefs or you vote for what is the best idea and after the voting, the voted idea's originator becomes a 'manager' of the task and leads people to do them. everyone should follow the decision of the vote. should..

not everyone can be a leader, but having some qualities that a leader should possess is indeed an awesome thing.

what qualities should a leader possess? every book tells a different story. some of the common ones are, initiative, problem solving with available resources, communication skills, negotiation skills and perhaps creativity, which in itself is a problematic trait to pin down.

looking at the above sets of 'skills', we can see that it is not difficult to have those skill sets and not be a leader. we could be just good at being a person in whatever field we're in with those skills. why is that? perhaps there is no desire to lead, perhaps there is no one to lead, perhaps there is no need to lead?

in every situation there are leaders and followers. the tasks may change and the role may change, but the most important thing to lead is ourselves. to lead, one must have a purpose then the skills. so in our own lives, we must have purpose then devise ways to lead ourselves there. in this, everyone can be a leader.

feel it

the sweet pain of being lonely.

sounds

been trying out my rather new Mogul headphones against my trusty T-Jays 3. got some feedback from friends as well.

i think they are both nice in their own ways.

precision. the TJ3 is better in this aspect as being in-ear gives it a certain advantage over an over ear over and over again. bzzt..pffht.. the reproduction in the TJ is crispier/crisper and more balanced with slight loss of power in the low range. the M have heavier lows and weak highs, thus i find it less accurate. nonetheless, still enjoyable given certain tracks.

comfort. i prefer the M as the padding is thick and yet overall weight does not give me a headache. while the TJ is in ear, after long period of it being snugly stuck in my ear, i tend to have a slight headache.

sound stage. M wins hands down. the wide sound stage is very different from the in ear. it give 'live' tracks a very enjoyable feel while still being able to maintain good space from studio track. TJ is nice as well, but the sound being right at your ear drums robs some of the ambiance of the music. however, it is still very nice to be able to hear the precise notes that is slightly lost from the M. not everyone like the wide sound stage, just like not everyone enjoys live music and prefers studio recorded precise pieces.

i must say that i enjoy these two very different devices. they give different feel to the tracks while reproducing the music to an extend that i find no fault in enough to detract me from the enjoyment.

if i am on the MRT, i would prefer the TJ as the in ear blocks out  more environment noise, but in quieter situations i prefer the M as i can get lost in the tracks more easily.

push

many thoughts. no time to form them properly. was thinking of something deeper in the afternoon, lost it. will be back someday.

much to do. much done and more yet to be done.

been physically training more. if i am not running, i am doing push ups. want to increase my strength, power and stamina. also hope to shed some grams, then i can be nimble and agile. it helps with my sleep and energy levels through the day. also helps with my self confidence as well as archery. always had excuses, not to do them enough. now it seems i must find excuses to take a rest day. hope this carries on. it's good.

work wise, taking it slower than i liked, but the push is more confusing than i thought it would be. must figure it out more and formulate a plan. a work plan and schedule. i think i have some leads, but got to start reeling in them lines.

family doing fine. everyone have jobs now. and well, things are more stable emotionally as well. God's grace.

high wall

let's face it. i don't know exactly what you are going through and you don't know what i am going through.

i still bear hope and am doing what i think is the right thing. i could be wrong. given my track record of such things, i probably am. it's the only thing left at this point for me to do. so i am doing it. it could all be for nothing, but then, so be it. it's good for me anyway.

i hope you are fine. and whatever issues you have, we have, we can still be friends..somehow.

now, i know it's not in my hands. i can only try my best and leave the outcome to God.

EEEEEEEeeeeeeekkkkkkssssss!!!!!

this new job is so out of my comfort zone that sometimes, i can totally feel my insides squirming. my inner voice, usually calm and detached, now seems to be on the edge. even when i drive i get jittery.

hope i settle in soon and do some good work. then can explore more options.

it is toughest for the first 1-3 years, depends on who i listen to. do i have that much time?


well..the good thing about this is that, every night my bible reading becomes a rock and a calming salve. i cannot sleep without it. even though the passage i read might not be related in anyway, but it gives me confidence and hope for the future.

my heavenly Father, my Lord, our God. there is nothing i can do or say to express my thanks. take my life and mold it to Your purpose. that my work may glorify Your name. Amen.

character

it is what we bring everywhere we go and to everything we do. and it shows.

it is something we all should try to improve on, no matter the circumstances. no mean feat, but totally worth it, when your actions or your words makes an impact for the better to someone.

everyone, after sometime can see who you really are. you cannot hide behind money, words, laughter, jokes or being a poser shit. those who knows you, will know you and chose to accept you or not. we can only try to be who we want to be and the people around us will reflect who we are.

blaming others for shit that happens and not thinking of the big picture, is easy. it is not wrong, but also not entirely right. i guess that really shows your character. while others are trying hard to keep things together, some just wants to watch the world burn, especially those who love them enough to forgive them.

i am disappoint.

hard knock

as this day draws to a close, i want to thank God for keeping us in His grace and mercy. we have been tested and been found wanting. it is time for us to look back to the times we could have done more and been better, learn from those times and be better.

defeat is always bitter, no matter the circumstances. and we must learn from it and be better, or we will be defeated again.

this is a hard knock for RJ archery, especially for those in J2 now. the efforts, no matter how much/little, all seem wasted. but they are not. the journey, the friendship and even the competitions are all learning opportunities. if we have the eye and the heart to take in these hard lessons.

maybe i'm older and do not seem to be affected as much. but in fact i am very affected. i just did not let myself be seen to be. this shows something about the way i coached them. it's time to get serious.

this is the first time, i felt that the team deserved to lose. and i felt that the lost would be a better than a win. for a win will teach them nothing. many in the team are living in the clouds and do not put in real effort to ensure they do well. and they needed this lesson to hopefully, show them the real situation. that winners are not born into it. they fight for it.

the sad part is that, this pulls the rest of the team down. the rest of the team who trained like fevered russians and who fought like crazed monkies.

as a team they came. as a team they fought.

life is suffering. get used to it. live it. embrace it. fight it. love it. rise above it.

worth

i am going to make myself, worth more than ever. year on year. why?

i have goals. my dreams have solidified into goals. some parts of the dreams are lost and gone. the parts that are still there, will receive the attention they deserve, now that i have cut loose the baggage that i carried for so many years.

through the years, i have lost myself in a dream that is not becoming closer. this year i am starting anew. i replanned my life and am going for it.

it hurts too damn much to lose what was a corner stone. now i walk alone. but i am not alone. the Lord my God guides me and comforts me.

i will do my best, because God is with me.

really understand

i guess it's just youths being young. and the wistful thinking that we can hold more than what time allows. nonetheless, i still feel rather irritated when people use the word 'forever', in situation, where it is not possible, plausible or even remotely appropriate.

forever. a middle length word with huge meaning and often misused.

i am just being an old fart. being cheated by the word, the promise of the word and the reason behind the word.

i dislike it.

people use it too frivolously. no respect for the proper context of it and many times, with no intention of backing it up at all.

a new dawn

i hope. i am somewhat changed these months. i think for the better. still a ways to go, but on my way. after sitting on my ass for years, i can feel that i am moving ahead.

feels like a media block out. but..still miss you..<3 be well.

so

i do know this..

i am not communicating with you. yet i still want to. i remember the good things. i think of the good things we can have together.

i am not sure about your side. but i am trying.

if i am wasting my time and there is a better chance of a snow man dancing in hell, let me know straight.

we are still friends..right?

still stuck

why? i really don't know and it's twisting me inside.

do you know?

missing lots

i could stay awake just to hear you breathing
watch you smile while you are sleeping
while you're far away and dreaming
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender
i could stay lost in this moment forever
where every moment spent with you is a moment i treasure

don't want to close my eyes
i don't want to fall asleep
cause i'd miss you babe
and i don't want to miss a thing
cause even when i dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
i'd still miss you babe
and i don't want to miss a thing
-Aerosmith

Coco avant Chanel

finally finished watching it. started some years back on a flight, which landed before i could finish the show.

beautiful. smart. classy. sad. broken beyond recovery.

i feel it so. i hope..this is not the end for me.

time

heals all wounds? i do not think so.

after these months, i still think and miss her. after these months, i am still wondering where went wrong and what could i have done. after these months, when i let it, i still want to break down.

after these years, i still regret some of the things i did. after these years, i still cannot forget the things i chose not to stop.

i think the pain is not lessened, it's just acceptable. or somehow, we chose to ignore it in favor of more recent events. it's dulled, by choice.

perhaps it's just me.

i am still really hurt. i still really hope i can make it back the way it is.

and i am trying.

doors

now i have more choices than lives. praying for some guidance to go where i should.

if i have to go in blind..then i will walk by faith.

怎麼捨得你

紅笑臉　紅裙　紅絲巾
白紙般　坦率　還天真
一對眼　水晶般吸引
流轉的舞步　像浮雲

忘記你　但仍然想起
愈想起　更加難入寐
緊抱你　抱緊的只得空氣
明知得不到你　何必再要記起 *

一絲絲　一點點　燒毀憶記
一幅幅　一聲聲　又復燃起
怎麼捨得你
任由我 腸斷至死

戀一生 差一些 不可一起
祇一心 等一天 日月如飛
卻等不到你
願忘記　又想起你 *

情與愛　是無從更改
未更改　卻因何分開
失去你　才明白未可捨棄
但始終祝福你　寧願我這田地
-張學友

becoming fully me

i got the title from one of my lecturer while doing my diploma. it is apt. for religious persons and otherwise.

most people believe in the potential that we can be better someways, many ways, or even all ways. in our own belief system, we have to decide, which way to grow and be better. be more complete. more perfect. yet, we all know, we cannot be perfect. we can only try, and be happy with the attempt and ourselves as it may be.

i think i am becoming who i envision myself to be. the path i am taking changed abit, but i am forging forward and i can see my targets clearer and the road to attain them seem more concrete now, more than ever. my personal goals are driving me forward and i think that is good. all the while though, i have this feeling within me, that gnaws at me.

it is futile. it is pointless. these things do not make for a happy life. they can help, they can secure and they are necessary in this world, but they are not happiness. without them, it is even harder to be happy. or is it easier?

i am broken inside. while, on the outside, i stand taller. this is not becoming fully me.

under the surface

while i go about
my daily life
the things that i do
makes my days full

i have no doubt
this feeling of mine
some might not have a clue
why i feel like a fool

i want to shout
even want to whine
where in my world are you?
oh, i wish i knew

typed this sometime back and have been looking at it and seeing if i can make it better. i am sure better writers will be able to and i am not better yet. so i post this up.

re think

some time back i posted about how i think we Christians should think like our salvation is not completed until we pass on from this physical world..then i read this piece.

http://rejoicejesus.com/profiles/blogs/are-catholics-considered-christians-and-are-they-saved-by-the-sai

after some rethinking of my concept, i think that it is still a good idea to hold. reason being, Jesus taught us that if we do not do the works of the Father, we do not love him and will not go to heaven. even if Jesus does not do the work of the Father, we should not believe him. (John 10:37) so, while our salvation is bought and completed by Jesus having died on the cross and raised up to heaven, only those who love God and does His will are His children.

this is markedly different from Catholic teachings, where the traditions in place gives the authority and power to the church. what i suggest is centered upon God and His plan for us. while we are already saved, we can only accept salvation by loving God. and by loving God, we do His will.

so there is no works we can do to save ourselves. that is already done by Jesus. we just need to love God and do His will, His plan for us. it's not like, yay! i'm saved, i can do kill the idiot who cut my queue just now. or i can be sexually immoral now! those who does not keep God's law, does not do His will are not children of God and they do not love Him enough to follow Him. and thus have not received salvation.

my previous post on this was more on sin and repentance. in the same way, when we repent to God and ask for forgiveness, we are doing His will and asking for His help to guide us to do His will in our own lives. so, in a broader sense, to receive salvation, according to the bible, we must do God's will. and not add or subtract from His word.

fumble around in my head, but i think i understand better now.

mindful

thought to start writing a somewhat short story of some random stuff. now after two entries, i realise i have less time than i thought i would have.

studying. the more proper term at this point in time is cramming. 14 days or so to remember a book around 400pages long about laws surrounding financial transactions and advisers. my brain is really stretched out. then 7 days after that paper, another paper and book of around 300+ page for investments and policies and stuff.

on top of that, still coaching, trying to shoot abit here and there, exercise, keep up with committee stuff just to last the term and hanging out with people who are around. oh..! and driving.

tiring. somewhat nice to be pressed on and see the growth i promised myself. and as i do this, somehow more opportunities comes along. just going to explore and see what options do i actually have.

wishing you were somehow here.. =(

ground work

it was some years ago. six to be more exact. Mr H. Art was out, just walking around the small town. that was before he gain influence over the town, at that time, Brian ran things. Things were well, everyone was satisfied and no one gave a anyone else grief. if there were problems, Brian was there to solve them and everyone was satisfied.
the object was a passing through town. a curious object brought there by curious circumstances. Mr H was intrigued by it.
the more he found out about it, the more he was enamored. at first, he fiddles with other things and was occasionally occupied with other stuff and was trying not to be obsessed with it. somehow, he could not help himself.
days became weeks and months. and years passed. finally, the object had to move on to another place.
Mr H was convinced that he will get ready and go with it, not willing to let it out of his life. He had plans, get the proper papers and some funds, so that he can start afresh at the new place and try to fit in.
That was the plan, but he had to stay on to finish some business he was obliged to handle to the end. and so his plans were delayed. Even so, he was eager to start the preparations to go on with the object, to make sure that he was always with it.
soon the time came for the object to go ahead with the move. Mr H, thought to keep track of it, until he was ready to go to wherever it went. he was sure now. where he had doubts, now Mr H was convinced. even Brian was convinced and was helping Mr H prepare.
then, it was lost..

intro

"What do you mean it won't work?! Everything is supposed to work around here. God did not create things that don't work."
Brian sighs. Mr. H. is having one of those moods. Mr. H. Art, directs everything in this town. Everyone listens to him and follows his wimps and fancies. When things don't work out for Mr. H., they don't work out for everyone else.
"Sir. I am sorry, but it's not our fault. We tried everything, there is just no return signal.", Brian tries to explain the situation.
They were trying to get some respond from a train that is carrying a precious cargo. Some days ago, it stopped responding to calls and could not even be found.
"It is a train. It runs on tracks. It is only going one direction. Find it." Mr. H, gets what he wants, usually.
The town have mobilized a search vehicle to follow the track until the destination of the train. The party, was expecting a party on the road. Like Mr. H says, it's a train, on a track going to a  seaport, where could it go? Upon arriving at the port, the train was nowhere to be found. No cargo, no train, no crew. The party came back somber and afraid. Mr. H's precious cargo is lost. And with it, his temper.
Now, they were trying to send a signal to the cargo container, which have an on-board tracking device.
"We tried all the signals possible and all the channels available to us, but we are just not getting a respond from the box. It's like it disappeared." Brian tries to explain again. He knows Mr. H will just order him to try everything, again.
"Send people to all the surrounding towns to look for my cargo. If it is not found within the week, i will know what to do."
Brian thought this sounds more ominous than if Mr H rant and raved. This is not over. Not for everyone in this town.

deep purple

i've been lonely, i've been cold. i've been looking for a woman to have and hold 'cause i know, yes, i know i've been mistreated. Since my baby left me i've been losing, i've been losing, i've been losing my mind, baby baby babe.

ask

i ask these of Thee, come back, speak to me, tell me the truth and let us endure it together. for better or worse. one thing i promise, i won't give up.

dreams, not worth much if they lie not in your own hands.

landed

and so another weekend passed. not really eventful. had fun and was tiring. missing something. missing someone.

wondering about my decision and choice that i made. going ahead with it and going to do my best, just having mixed feelings. eager, enthusiastic, feels challenged in a good way, yet hesitant and worried. won't know till i try, so will be doing it. just that i feel..lost.

life's mystery, figuring it out for yourself is the journey.

fly

it's been some months since i last took a flight to somewhere. it's been a crazy few months. so many things have changed and not for the better, most of it anyway.

i don't know what to expect. i am going there to shoot, to coach and to relax. now i have to study there also, else there won't be enough time to study when i come back. no breaks these days. i'll rest when i die. or when i can stop worrying about the future. either i have no more future to worry, or everything is settled so that there is no more tinkering to do. so for now, we toil.

i am not entirely happy to go on this trip. i don't have much to look forward to there actually. i want to shoot well, but am certainly not prepared. not looking forward to walk around there without someone else.

well..take it as it comes. much to do this year. have some ideas of my targets and plans this few years. so it's nice to have that kind of drive and focus. really thank God for showing me how i can grow myself.

though i walk on and try to work hard, some part of me is left behind. i do wonder, if it'll be pieced back.

blocked. right?

who am i?

so tired now. so many things to settle before flight and too many commitments suddenly. and yet i promise to help people and try to make things better for others.

it makes me feel better about myself, but at what cost? yes helping others is a good way to get out of depression for myself, but i think right now, i need to be more selfish or at least more picky about what and who i chose to help.

compassion, a good trait to have. in this modern world? i don't know. but i was brought up this way. deal with it.

too much

ok..feeling rather over stretched here.

8hours of sleep in three days. the enxt two days are packed and high key. oh my goodness. i am feeling it.

to rest i go.

though my body is tired and mind is shutting down, i still feel..sad. and that makes everything worse. though i can put on my coach face to be Coach/TM Ken, inside of me, i am still wilting and slowly breaking. gah. sucks.

days

been rather busy going to try new stuff, it's tiring.

being more active in stuff and going out to look for things to do and settle what have been put on hold. good feeling, but tiring. maybe something in my diet is making me tired naturally. or something.

anyway..it's been rather confusing. i know what i want, but seems so far away. not sure what to do. i am sure, some idea will somehow become better to me and i will move down that path.

PSA 18:2 The LORD [is] my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, [and] my high tower.

recovering

you know those people who attends AA are suppose to never consider themselves 'recovered'. the addiction is a problem and the alcohol is a crutch for them. they tend to always have addiction problems, just how severe and to what. so they are all 'recovering addicts'. this keeps them in the perspective that they need to be constantly aware of the issue and stay strong to avoid being tempted again.

in this case, i think i see a parallel  with being what Christians like to called as 'saved'. we still sin. and we can still back slide, so to speak, and become further from God's grace. so instead of calling Christians 'saved', we should be 'being saved'. for every moment in this world can be a turning point when a person becomes tempted to leave God and His love, to fall into sin again. similar to AA, the term 'being saved' should help us to be aware of the fact that it's not over until we depart from here and return to the side of the Lord. and thus, keeps us on our toes and not act all haughty and holier-than-thou.

point being, until we are done here, while we still preserve our freedom of choice, as we still possess a will of our own, we can still turn from God and His ways. so, if we are keen to stay in His grace and mercy, we should always be aware of our own failings and sins. thus we should constantly, check ourselves, know our actions and ask for forgiveness for the wrongs that we did and ask for guidance and mercy so that we can be better.

truth is, i was thinking about something else, before my thoughts draw nearer to God and our relationship with Him on this earth.

i was rather confident that i am alright and will be good to meet up with friends and be friends. i was wrong. i still love Kim very much and being just friends hurts. i don't know if she feels the same. part of me wish that she does, and a small part hope that she doesn't. i am confused. as confused and hurt as a month or so ago.

i am not over her. maybe i am not even trying. i am trying to be better to be able to win her back. is that the right thing to do? i don't know, but for now those actions are the same i would take if i have no one i love. so carry on i go. only difference is that i miss her and wishes for us to be better and be more than friends.

that is up to God's plan, easy to say, hard to let go. pray i shall and do what i should do. what else can i do?

so i am still being saved and still in love. life taking new turns soon, and without a companion to speak to and discuss life with, it's.. ..rather hollow. i am never one to work for my own goals. am trying to set and go towards some, but it feels strange.

should have seen it coming when the roses died
should have seen the end of summer in your eyes
should have listened when you said, "goodnight"
you really meant goodbye
baby, ain't it funny, how i never ever learn to fall?
you're really on your knees when you think you're standing tall
but only fools are 'know it all's' and i played that fool for you

i cried and i cried there were nights that i died for you, baby
i tried and i tried to deny your love drove me crazy, baby

if the love that i've got for you is gone
if the river i cried ain't that long
then i'm wrong, yeah i'm wrong, this ain't a love song
-Jon Bon Jovi

how can i not love you

how can i not love you
what do i tell my heart
when do i not want you
here in my arms
how does one waltz away
from all the memories
how do i not miss you
when you are gone
-Joy Enriquez

finally

a lazy afternoon to rest.

been keeping busy and getting things done. pretty satisfied with the stuff i have been doing, but needs to do more. waiting for things to happen, then i'll be busier.

though i wish..someone else is here with me.

Psa 34:18 The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Psa 34:19 Many [are] the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

life goes on

these two months have been so many things. sad, trying, broken, getting close to God, having good friends around, recovering, drunk speak, collapse on the floor with bottle of tequila in hand and crying to mom, moving ahead with plans in spite of all these. it's times like these, where life pushes you to go out there and get things done. things ranging from getting drunk, to getting interviews, to learning new skills and even just learning to sit down and open your mind and heart to God.

it's strange that in my life, many times when i just want to make changes to go on ahead, things change for the worse. it's painful. and i push on, i become better in some ways and in some ways never recover. now, things are looking better, and yet i want to recover what i lost. i feel that, i am empty without that.

and as i feel that way, i know that God have plans for me. to push forward. i am comforted and perplexed at the same time. i am scared and hopeful at the same time. i am eager and downcast at the same time. i can only pray and hope that as i go along life, i will learn to trust Him more and enjoy myself as i be His instrument. i know that these days, i have had encounters to spread His love and i did. knowing that, i am satisfied.

i go on in life. i go on being God's child and servant. and still i feel, i am missing a piece. though i hurt, i pray.
not as i wish Lord, but Your will be done.

1John 5:14 And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:
1John 5:15 And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.

leading

strange days and stranger nights.

slept for an hour and woke up feeling rather refreshed. cannot get back to sleep. don't feel tired at all, but think i will suffer later in the day.

anyway, since i could not sleep, i did some reading and re-read this interesting article on ST some time back. now posted on some blog.
http://dinmerican.wordpress.com/2010/09/11/days-of-reflection-for-mm-lee-kuan-yew/

reading it and the comments makes me realize a few things.
sgforumers are generally idiots compared to forumers such as these.
“We mourn the blossoms of May, for they are to wither; but we know, that May is one day to have its revenge upon November, by the revolution of that solemn circle which never stops,–which teaches us always, in our height of hope, ever to be sober, and in our depth of desolation, never to despair.”
LKY knows that he did terrible things. he chose to do them. for what? for Singapore. do we really understand what had to be done at those times?
everyone makes mistakes. not even he could foresee the problems that arose from his decisions. so live with it.
he is a man. a smart man. a powerful man. still a man. his wife have since passed on. he is old and frail. he knows it's soon. and yet, besides all this, he worries about Singapore and our future. what a man!

yes, many people condemn him and his family for running Singapore the way it is being run. to me, we have done well. could we have done better? probably not by much. to do much much worse is much much easier. recent years have seen tremendous change in global, regional and local scene. i believe Singapore needs to stand firm in this troubled times and not be swayed by passing squalls. it seems that the government is more keen to go with the flow, even when the flow change every few months. not easy on the populace. still we need to change and adapt. perhaps..

then i remember searching and reading about 'Maranatha'.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maranatha
http://www.swamij.com/maranatha.htm

interesting. will further study that. ok, try to sleep another hour before leaving the house.

blade runner

when i first watched it so many years ago, i was so young and could not appreciate it. except for the parts that had action or some sci-fi stuff.

re-watching it now brings such a revelation. no wonder it is a classic in many people's opinion. no matter the setting, the story of the struggle for survival is such a main theme that one can almost taste it. the ending brings a amazing closure with a subtle twist.

undeserved
we find love
in the end

meandering

stuff are happening. i am progressing. some stuff changed and am now confused what's next. praying for guidance and decision as to what should i do.

so far, nothing bad happened. so it's good. i think. am more aware of what i really want to do and found out more about what i need to do to get there. hmm..not easy i guess, but oh well.

Psa 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. 

once again.

can't sleep. can't think. can't stop thinking. 2 steps forward 1 step back.

i want to get on to be better and do the things i need to do and want to do. and through all that, to love God. and you.

you know who you are. i am lonely, if i don't feel so then i'm not alive. i miss you. <3

1 Cor 13

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. (KJV) 1611
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (ESV) 2002
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV) 1973
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these [is] charity. (WEB) 1833

http://www.greatsite.com/timeline-english-bible-history/
http://www.godandscience.org/apologetics/bibleorigin.html
http://www.gentles.info/BibleHistory/Index_History.html
http://www.historyworld.net/wrldhis/PlainTextHistories.asp?historyid=ac66

this struck me as strange..that this passage was translated to say charity instead of love which i am sure many people are familiar with. so i did some reading on the bible versions and translations.

it turns out that KJV, while sounding old and somewhat incoherent to me, is translated to English using 5 manuscripts. the WEB, was based on the KJV and made some edits. the NIV was created by translating 5664 greek scripts. and the ESV, compiled the NIV with other translations to be more 'complete'.

this confusion for me became a learning trip for me. reading about the translations and what each set out to do. so while i was trying to understand the bible better in terms of spiritual teachings and how to live as a Christian, here i gained a deeper understanding of the bibles we read.

still

afloat. still drifting.

not yet gotten a direction. not yet gotten a purpose. i have some ideas, but still waiting to be confirmed, still waiting for something to happen. in God's hands now.

as i feel more relaxed and not as broken, i still feel sad. for the things i did not do to prevent this, and the things i did to hasten this. maybe there was no escape. maybe it was meant to be like this to build me up. maybe..you are not meant to be mine.

ok..now i'm getting emo. nights. over and out.