on and on..

been busy, tired and slightly sick. though days been pretty good overall.
been coaching and doing paper work, so much that i don't have much time to train. then shot quite sianly for NUSIIAC. individual, i hoped to reach certain targets..but i failed. i tried everything..but i am just too weak. physical condition much needed. team event shot just ok, but should have been better..given what my team could do the last short distance shoot. but i guess we are all busy with other stuff now and not as prepared. oh well..life goes on..

nothing much happening in my life. been pretty alright and rather happy generally. though the past weeks have been tiring. camp took up days, trying to get well from sick took days. hai. not effective.

oh well..=)

all i can do is pray and keep faith.

there's something about you now
i can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't know why
i can't keep my eyes off of you
-Lifehouse

weekend?

what weekend?

almost every weekend i am packed from morning to night. from saturday morning to sunday evening. it's totally no rest. no slack.

this weekend have been particularly trying and yet amazing in some sense. been more tired the whole of last week and saturday have a small respite since one school have cancelled training. then after that things went downhill. emotions and mood. affected by minor stuff then i let it run free and spoil the night by being spiteful and insensitive. after that i pretty much couldn't sleep and so..come sunday i was beat and had to work the whole day till around 1600. did not help my mood nor my physical condition. saving grace was that things became slightly better. then at service, which was special..!!, things started to seem to come around for the better. i couldn't stay awake for the entire service. =( so i left about half way through. though i went slightly early to sit in the knave and talked to God. after i left i went home to rest. still couldn't really rest as much was on my mind and in my heart. after calling and talking..i felt so much better though still having some reservations and fear. but before i slept i prayed and i felt and know that things will be fine.

God be my shepard, i shall not want.

rant and rant. but am very glad things are better now. hope i don't do stupid things so much.

no words seem enough. nothing seem enough. to show how much i appreciate you. but all i can do is to tell you..thank you. =)

saving grace

wishing you were
somehow here again..
wishing you were
somehow near..
sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here..

thank you. my God, my Lord. thank you for showing me that faith in you can pull me through dark hours.

what a day..

blasted tiredness + insomnia.
nonsensical ranting in pre-dawn.
monotonous day at range.
falling asleep in service.
crapped up emotions.
bad news in some areas.

how bad can a day go?

i still need..

..a break.

non-stop. things go on and on. too many things to catch up on. unable to stay on top of them.

days come and days go.
don't know what the future holds.
afraid of what may come.
yet want so much more than just this.
feeling quite spent.
but still no respite from everything.

when can i just rest upon the green grass and gaze at the clouds go by? will you be there by my side?

another.

opinions are like assholes..everyone have them. sometimes it's better to keep them to yourself.

we all make mistakes.

suddenly

'it's not who you are inside, it's what you do that defines you.'
-Batman Begins.(though it began like super long ago.)

report

body : 2/10 tired, drains, weak and not really rested.
mind : 4/10 wandering, not much focus and tired.
heart : 3/10 tired. so much to want and so little energy to do.
soul : ?/10 God, i need you. more and more every passing moment.

i'll be Jobs. i'll keep faith and never forsake you. you..my God.

sleepless

somehow cannot sleep properly these days..

i mean not really tired at night and then the mind ticks away like a clockwork that's all wound up. mind just keeps on thinking about random stuff and all that.

i want to sleep to prepare for the next day..but somehow it's elusive. hmm.

somebody came back from overseas and am rather happy. hope to meet up and talk and catch up. someone who's not really close yet close enough to be frank and enjoy each other's life's story.=)

been quite alright these days. slight ups and downs. and more ups then down. sOo..yeah.

well..folks. hope everything's well for you people too.

be well, take care and God bless.

dreams

what dreams are made of..?

lots of hardwork and abit of luck.

all your best and God's grace.

all in all

life is such..unpredictable and strange yet have all the makings of a drama.

as is said..theatre mirrors life. and the other way round too. too much going on in everyone's life and too little time to share and to enjoy life as is given. we all rush around like ants, scavenging for food and whatever that looks like qould please our bosses or something.

emotions bottled up most of the time and when it passes a threshold it all blows out and harm everyone around. guess that happens to alot of people. and it happen less to me now..but still as deadly i guess.

we are all allowed our own expressions and opinions though what we say and do can affect others as well. and then where does individual expression have a place in? where is the line that are to be drawn for self-expression and society's sensitivities'? what is acceptable and what is not?

i feel that everyone should have a certain amount of sensitivity to the issues at which they are expressing about and therefore exercise their own judgement to restrain what they are commenting on to objective facts. though by allowing individual to exercise their own judgement we come across idiots who say and do things that are hurtful/false/detrimental to society and what have you.

there are many things said about many things in many places. and alot of these are lies. and some are half-truths. how are we to know? who are we to trust?

this post have taken a turn into the below 5. but that was not my intention. sOo..here's an attempt to bring it back up.

we all have power to affect others and make a difference in people's lives. to make changes on this planet for better or worse. every decisions have repercusions and may not be totally known what it brings when we do certain things. but we are humans, how can we keep track of aall the variables in life? i guess we cannot and sOo..we go on in life doing our best and hope everything turns out well.

worry less and do your best. and everyone's best is different and so we should not compare to whaat otehrs can do or have did. though those comparison can be an inspiration. if it bring syou down more, why should you keep comparing and belittling yourself?

we are all different. special. let us be who we are and do our best to be who we want to be. let us shine..

be.

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of god. your playing small does not serve the world.
there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do.
we were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us.
it is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-poem by Marianne Williamson

heartfelt.

reel-

-ing.

i am still a boy. a freaking stupid boy.

very disappointed with myself.

but i am only human. i really don't like it when that happens. and i dont know what to do. bah..i'll get by. i'll survive. i'll do it.

drinking after midnight then trying to type is a slow process.

i don't know what to do. God..please take my life and giv me the wisdom to know what's right. it hurts me yet i don't want to hurt someone else.

man..such fragile creatures.

GOd

and man are meant to be flawed and to sin.

is life meant to be so difficult? is love?

i hate myself.

life

is a freaking twisted ironic bitch.

when shit falls. they fall all at once.

beast

i guess i am one. cause..

when i am angry with someone..something..i am certainly not nice. not nice at all, yes sir.

i can be nice and generous. polite and courteous. kind and giving. BUT..if anyone, anything threatens things/people i care about..i become angry. and that is not very conducive for health. one way or another.

anyway. beasts, when cornered become enraged and fight back with their life. what say even man. sOo..don't push people the a corner and expect them to roll over and die. they don't. usually.

i'm am still me. still here. be well.

one time..

angry now.

couldn't decide i was disappointed, sad or angry. now i know..i am angry.

if you don't know..don't ask.

if you never learn, then you'll never grow. up. or out of it. stop. now.

what more damage you want to do? don't you know. have you not learnt? there are no secrets. especially online.

what you think you know?you know nothing. and you assume. again. and again. and still again.

there is nothing anyone. can. do. for. you. it's you. who got to grow. to change. to live!

if you don't pull your head out of the hole. you'll never see what the world have to show you.

angry. doesn't cut it anymore. i was angry. i was pissed. i was disappointed. i was sad. i was sorry. i was concerned. i was trying to do what i could to help. now. i am angry.

what does it take to wake you up? what will it take to make you stand up and be who you can be? instead of living in a dream?!

omg. if anything goes bad. i'll never never ever forgive you.

you. don't. even. know. half. of. it.
what others go through. went through. you think you know? grow up!

if i could scream like i want to. earth will shatter.

..is enough.

it's all.. ..

heart. from where emotions are felt. somehow.

scientifically, it's all in the mind. but somehow when you are hurt, your heart aches. maybe it's cultural conditioning. maybe it's not. but anyhow..it's there that feels that pain and it's there that feels full and warm.

let me be an instrument. and my life shall be full in your eyes.

by helping others i am feeling good about myself. in a way, that's not very good. i can get hurt so easily that way. but i guess in my life, what matters to me are those around me whom i care and love. and it's not about the short term. i hope we are all in it for the long haul. then we stay friends and encourage each other. see each other through ups and downs. do what's best for everyone around. that's the best case senario.

no one can be perfect. we can only do what we can.
measure against ourselves and improve upon that.

you're in my heart.

suicided

thought about doing this long before and often. never thought it'll come to this and if it did..i wouldn't.

but i did.

God..if it's the right thing to do. please let the pain make me stronger.

for eleven years..i dreamt. i fought. i tried. now i give it up.

truthfully i did not fare well. others who came after me did much better. i still kept faith and did my best. i do all i can. ups and downs. lost many other things cause of my devotion to this.

i guess it comes to this. what i want in my life? dream. i cannot do so many things. i tried and i really got over stretched and cannot do anything well. stressed up and tired. sick and losing motivation.

after thinking hard and all that..i decided to help others. and give up my own dream.

it was a step closer to take to my dreams. i stopped and pulled others before me. propelling them faster..sacrificing my inertia.

i hope it's the right thing to do. then my pain will be worth it.

_dea

huh? read and think. then you'll know. i hope. for your sake. no, not the japanese rice wine.

hope that life could be good and happy and cherry and all that. guess it's not as simple as that. andi don't know why.

i have swallowed anger on a bus full of india indians who stick their butt at you when there are plenty of aspace around. maybe they are used to crowd and cannot stand not being in touch with anyone. i bear it. with clenched jaw and fist. any closer and i don't know what i'll do.

i have been patient and kept silent regarding the nonsense people who use the range on sunday. all talk and no action. yes range unkempt and messy. who uses it? there's lots of rubbish. whoes could it be? i wonder. though only for a nanosecond. cause the answer is simple. and obvious. and in the end it's left to someone who seldom use the range anymore to clean it up. how shameful. i admit i was slow. i got the plan up only after it was cleaned. hope it stays clean.

i am more tolerant. more peaceful. more calm. and much less lazy now.

but still unhappy at times. is it simply to vary the days? to make us appreciate the good ones? or is it something lacking still. i guess everyone have bad days and down days. though the change from agood day to a bad day happens real fast. moment. one single moment. no different formt he last or the next. yet such an impact on one's perspective on everything.

ranting. rambling. not happy. slightly angry. slightly sad. slightly is relative.

perhaps i ask too much. perhaps my standards for certain thigns are too high. perhaps.

i have no clue as to why such things happen. couldn't things work smoothly for once.

hurt and pain. my close companion for so long. thought they have left..for good. now back again at such unexpected times. and i know not the reason.

i should have changed that stupid lock
i should have made you leave your key

somethings feel so weird. yet so comforting. it changes me. it made me want to be better and do more to ensure thigns are fine.

and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night
and loves dares you to change our way of
caring about ourselves

changed. for the better i hope. i hope you too. <3

no idea why. hope to be in the know though. hmm.

and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.