finding me.

not much

thanks to anonymous for the encouraging words. i am trying, but i still find myself doubting. so not really changed and moving on.

it's like there is something wrong with the way i think, i cannot see myself being more and being better, i try, but without that confidence, it's all uphill.

lost too much to believe.

slightly sorted

had a good meeting with my managers to discuss my problems and what i should try to work on and how to be better. they are both very encouraging and understanding, i feel i am letting them down. because i know i am letting myself down.

i can do better. i can do more. i can put in more effort. and all these i have done. and yet i find myself, able to do more. that is what i must do. even though i have nothing to show for it. it's like archery, i can only try to improve myself, my skills, my mental game and my efforts. the results, may or may not show, but if i never hit the road, i am not going anywhere.

there are certainly times when i hate myself. what i have done and not done. what i did to others and now try to be better. it all seems so fake, so forced and so futile.

time is running out..

gah..

where did i go wrong? why are things all so difficult? can somebody please talk to me?

tipping point

i am so flimsy. just some speck of news about you, that have nothing to do with me and i become like some heart broken emo kid.

been having good productive days last week or so. really want to keep the momentum going and achieve more this year. been lagging far too much and now finding the courage and groove to really step out and up.

some things i can brush aside, but certain things just hook on to me and drag me down. i have got to be stronger and tougher. there are things waiting for me to do. this is not time to tip backwards.

there can be no real despair without hope. but is there really..?

hello, my friend

it seems that you are back.

what is the purpose of your visit? i do not recall that there is any matter that require your presence in my life again.

please leave at the soonest convenience.

i do not need you.

leave and never come back.

another lunar new year

this is the sloppiest new year clean up i ever did. i blame it on being sick and being kind of depressed. this year was more last minute than last year, and last year was a bad bad year for me. didn't really go through my stuff to clean up. didn't really wanted to. no energy to deal with deciding what to throw and what to keep.

being sick is really draining, especially if it drags out over weeks. and doesn't help that i am not doing so well in life these weeks. 'stamina', my manager told me. sometimes we are down and just need to keep it going. i know that on a intellectual level, but emotionally, i just want to quit and leave.

no easy way out.

of people and love of God.

the debates about LGBT issues recently have kept me rather interested. not because i am one but i have friends who have tendencies and some are struggling to deal with it themselves and some are having issues at work or in their families for being the way they are. 

i remember some years back i had a female classmate who was slightly confused for being a Christian and yet liking a girl. we wasn't close friends and didn't really talk much, but i guess she saw something in me to confide in me regarding this while we were waiting for our respective coffees. i remember clearly i told her, 'So?'. and she was perplexed, that being a Christian how can i say that and dismiss her feelings for a girl. i told her it didn't matter and God love us and wants us to love people. that was the end of it, i guess i was not much of a help to tell her how to lead her life.

at that point in my life i was a new Christian of maybe 2-3 years only. what mattered to me was not how to condemn people for their wrong doings, but rather how to help them find the God that forgives them and loves them. that was how i came to be a Christian and that is how i want to talk to people about this God that i came to know.

i have read the Bible completely twice and don't pretend to have a complete underwstanding of how God thinks or what are His plans. i also do not remember much of it. i do remember that in the Old Testaments there are alot of rules regarding how to lead one's life and what to do for the proper worship of God. if we are to follow the book to the letter, we are all going to hell. we all fall short. and come the New Testaments and Jesus. the story of Jesus is how he condemn the rituals and reminded people of the love of God and God's creations. He worked with sinners and loved them. He healed them and ate with them. He gave them hope and turned even them to God's love.

Matthew 22: 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 

38 This is the first and great commandment. 

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

to me, this is the essence of Jesus's teachings. as He came to serve and save us, the underlying reason is God's love, and He wants us to reciprocate and spread that love to others. not to condemn and not to judge.

John 8:7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

this debate regarding the repeal of 377A is very heated with people feeling that the law remains an ax over their heads even though no one have been prosecuted. while law is not enforced, it remains a threat to the LGBT community and their expression of themselves. the other side that wants the law retained also feels threatened that if the law is repealed, there will be a moral degradation in the society at large and the falling into sin even more. while i am largely uneducated in this matter, i feel that the law takes away the right of people who are doing no harm to others.

will openly gay people make straight people gays? will it tempt them? i do not think it will happen anymore than the other way round.

i have friends who are open about it and some who are still avoiding the issue publicly. they are still my friends. they are still God's creation.

Psalm 37 : 1-10

Psa 37:1 Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.
Psa 37:2 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.
Psa 37:3 Trust in the LORD, and do good; [so] shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
Psa 37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Psa 37:5 Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring [it] to pass.
Psa 37:6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
Psa 37:7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
Psa 37:8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.
Psa 37:9 For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.
Psa 37:10 For yet a little while, and the wicked [shall] not [be]: yea, thou shalt diligently consider his place, and it [shall] not [be].

first in 2013

first blog post in 2013. thought about it since around Christmas and only started writing now.
first work day in 2013. stayed the longest and did the least work at the same time. =) just catching up with friends there!
first team meal in 2013. had a great time being motivated and at the same time pushed to do better.

love it.

another year have passed..

and since the last 365 days much have changed. within me and in the world at large.

i have lost a partner in life. got and lost jobs. started studying again. and begun to think that i should start to become awesome instead of being just plain Ken.

coming months and years will still be challenging in many aspects and i do not know if i can handle properly. but i know one thing..that is that i will become better.

world..the people you hold are mostly self-serving retards. hang in there. because you have in your sphere of influence and existence all my possessions and my loved ones.=)

senseless

it's got nothing to do with me. it's far away and happened to no one i know. and yet i feel hurt. i am sad and depressed over it. i may be too sensitive and perhaps i am drawn to emotional hurt and cling to it. i tend to hurt for too long and hold on for too long.

this, as Obama said, have happened too many times. it's senseless, it's needless, it's ridiculous.

a 'mad man' go on a rampage and kills a number of people with gun(s). some people will say ban guns except for people with a legal right to use them. the opposite will say, it's not guns that kill people, it's the people who are mad that pulls the trigger and other weapons can kill as well.

let's put it this way. when i think i am going to crush your head with my bare hands, you don't die. when i pick up a knife and stab you, you can escape that as easily as running away. when i have a gun and i have the element of surprise, there is almost no doubt that you will die.

say i have a knife, no a sword, or even a spear, how many can i kill before i am over powered or all who are threatened run away so that i cannot do them harm. if i have a gun with enough ammo, or even two gun, just in case, how many can i kill before i am overpowered or neutralized?

no one will argue that it's the people behind the weapons that are the killers. the difference is the method and the ease of killing. how many people can be killed in a given time frame with a given weapon and how easily it can be avoided or neutralized?

as for arming more 'good people' with guns to fight back when such things happen, let's me just say two words : arms race. say you legalize hand guns, pistols and revolvers, these supposed disturbed persons will go for body armor and rifles, SMGs and what not. there was a case where two bank robbers suited up in bomb squad body armor was only taken down after hours of gun fight. then the police allowed patrol cars to have high powered rifles in the trunks to counter these type of events. then the drug gang are reported to now have AKs and RPGs to fight the police. soon, we will have police riding in APCs instead of Chevrolets.

and to add to that, say there are more than one gunman crazee, then there are armed people shooting at them. in a confused situation, how can the police tell who to trust, who to shoot, who to help? you could easily end up helping the crazee kill the innocent and no one the wiser until much later! and if there are armed resistance to these crazees, they would more likely take precaution and very likely take hostage to secure themselves longer.

what is the solution? my opinion, totally uneducated, is to restrict guns to those who need it, law enforcement and armed forces, and licensed hunters who show proficiency, no criminal record and so on. and on top of that, those who keep guns at home have to have a gun locker that is tagged to signal to the police when opened without proper password or access, and in case there is an emergency and the gun is needed for self defense, that could signal to the police that something is wrong without even calling them.

based on statistic, the US do not have the highest rate of violent crime, but they do have the highest number of death due to violent crimes. it shows something, doesn't it?

dreams

i had a really strange one last night.

dreamed that i was being checked on, like as in a physical exam or something, with a paper check list and boxes besides some description. someone i still love and want to be with was doing the checking, ticking off the list.

cannot remember the list properly now, but there are parts about getting life together, getting a job, being a good person and somethings like that through out the list. there were two boxes left unchecked, one was getting a degree and the other was something i don't remember.

wanted to write it down, but was busy the whole day in office and went for appointments. well..more work to do to be better.

not sure if anything can still happen. but hopes for a better tomorrow drives me on. tough and sometimes feels like giving up, but eventually get it together..hopefully.

burning

where is the fiery passion of our youth? where is the all or nothing mentality that movies so readily portrays? who will go on to do everything for someone for something that really matter?

are we, as a society too safety oriented? are we so scared of failing that we take less risk than previous generations? as one overseas friend told me, Singapore is a soft society, there is no hard edge, no real challenge and no real failures to be experienced. with this softness, we lack the drive to pursue dreams and take risks?

failure in modern society does not always occur immediately and suddenly. many a times, it creeps up on us and traps us, like frogs in a slow boiling pot. before we know it, we have no more options, no more chances and no more ways to survive. many small things can contribute to failures and having a lowered risk appetite and lowered drive to dream big, in my opinion, can become crippling without any sense of it at all.

for whom or what do we burn for? are we are simply satisfied to live as life takes us along and survive with our modern lifestyle and all it's distractions? something each of us must answer to ourselves.

too late for me to ramble on. too drowsy to think straight. too sad to feel motivated. or should it be 'in spite of' and not 'because of'.? hmm...

on and on

more things fail around me. i have to go on and do what i have to do.

no chance to relax now. too much at stake. gah..

no clear sign. perhaps..perhaps..perhaps not..

unexpectedly

good times..bad times..sometimes..just happens.

learn from it. grow with it. deal with it.

mood

having a really bon jovi mood. it's like all their songs suits me fine today.

'my guitar lies bleeding in my arms'
'starting all over again'
'it's my life'
'blaze of glory'
'living on a prayer'

good lunch day with an awesome person.

meh

due to work and other unrelated causes, this is the most unhappening birthday in years.

sad, but not devastated. thinking about work. and stuff. and someone else. bah.

06111980

happy birthday to me.

you are not alone

another day has gone
i'm still all alone
how could this be
you're not here with me
you never said goodbye
someone tell me why
did you have to go
and leave my world so cold

everyday i sit and ask myself
how did love slip away
something whispers in my ear and says
that you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

but you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart
but you are not alone

'lone, 'lone
why, 'lone

just the other night
i thought i heard you cry
asking me to come
and hold you in my arms
i can hear your prayers
your burdens I will bear
but first i need your hand
then forever can begin

everyday i sit and ask myself
how did love slip away
something whispers in my ear and says
that you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart
for you are not alone

Whisper three words and i'll come runnin'
and girl you know that i'll be there
i'll be there

you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay
for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart

for you are not alone...