can't

sleep.

eat properly.

think.

understand.

it was good to sit in church and spend some quiet time, if only for awhile.

i still feel lost. i still feel confused and not sure what i am doing. i know what i want to do and what i want to be in 5 years time. i am not smart, not careful and not confident enough to do this on my own. but who else do i have?

for sure my parents are supportive, they always have been, knowing nothing about what i do and still they do their best. i do wonder if i would end up a drug dealer given some slight chance of me talking to some of my seedier acquaintances.

some friends are really lovely and have been willing to spend some time to chat and just let me rant.

even though i don't feel it, i know God is there. He have plans for me and i know i will survive and be better, but now it's remote. when the good feeling is gone and the high is spent, faith must take a stand and be strong in the face of circumstances and doubts.

missing a companion is certainly not physical, it's very emotional and even social. knowing that no one have my back and not there to make sure what i am doing is right, no one there to talk about plans for the future. it's a gaping hole.

i know this feeling. and i am holding up much better than before. not that i feel better, it's just that i got to do what i got to do and suck it up. i can't let people down now and i can't let myself down now.

no matter how much i want to just break down and die.