senseless

it's got nothing to do with me. it's far away and happened to no one i know. and yet i feel hurt. i am sad and depressed over it. i may be too sensitive and perhaps i am drawn to emotional hurt and cling to it. i tend to hurt for too long and hold on for too long.

this, as Obama said, have happened too many times. it's senseless, it's needless, it's ridiculous.

a 'mad man' go on a rampage and kills a number of people with gun(s). some people will say ban guns except for people with a legal right to use them. the opposite will say, it's not guns that kill people, it's the people who are mad that pulls the trigger and other weapons can kill as well.

let's put it this way. when i think i am going to crush your head with my bare hands, you don't die. when i pick up a knife and stab you, you can escape that as easily as running away. when i have a gun and i have the element of surprise, there is almost no doubt that you will die.

say i have a knife, no a sword, or even a spear, how many can i kill before i am over powered or all who are threatened run away so that i cannot do them harm. if i have a gun with enough ammo, or even two gun, just in case, how many can i kill before i am overpowered or neutralized?

no one will argue that it's the people behind the weapons that are the killers. the difference is the method and the ease of killing. how many people can be killed in a given time frame with a given weapon and how easily it can be avoided or neutralized?

as for arming more 'good people' with guns to fight back when such things happen, let's me just say two words : arms race. say you legalize hand guns, pistols and revolvers, these supposed disturbed persons will go for body armor and rifles, SMGs and what not. there was a case where two bank robbers suited up in bomb squad body armor was only taken down after hours of gun fight. then the police allowed patrol cars to have high powered rifles in the trunks to counter these type of events. then the drug gang are reported to now have AKs and RPGs to fight the police. soon, we will have police riding in APCs instead of Chevrolets.

and to add to that, say there are more than one gunman crazee, then there are armed people shooting at them. in a confused situation, how can the police tell who to trust, who to shoot, who to help? you could easily end up helping the crazee kill the innocent and no one the wiser until much later! and if there are armed resistance to these crazees, they would more likely take precaution and very likely take hostage to secure themselves longer.

what is the solution? my opinion, totally uneducated, is to restrict guns to those who need it, law enforcement and armed forces, and licensed hunters who show proficiency, no criminal record and so on. and on top of that, those who keep guns at home have to have a gun locker that is tagged to signal to the police when opened without proper password or access, and in case there is an emergency and the gun is needed for self defense, that could signal to the police that something is wrong without even calling them.

based on statistic, the US do not have the highest rate of violent crime, but they do have the highest number of death due to violent crimes. it shows something, doesn't it?

dreams

i had a really strange one last night.

dreamed that i was being checked on, like as in a physical exam or something, with a paper check list and boxes besides some description. someone i still love and want to be with was doing the checking, ticking off the list.

cannot remember the list properly now, but there are parts about getting life together, getting a job, being a good person and somethings like that through out the list. there were two boxes left unchecked, one was getting a degree and the other was something i don't remember.

wanted to write it down, but was busy the whole day in office and went for appointments. well..more work to do to be better.

not sure if anything can still happen. but hopes for a better tomorrow drives me on. tough and sometimes feels like giving up, but eventually get it together..hopefully.

burning

where is the fiery passion of our youth? where is the all or nothing mentality that movies so readily portrays? who will go on to do everything for someone for something that really matter?

are we, as a society too safety oriented? are we so scared of failing that we take less risk than previous generations? as one overseas friend told me, Singapore is a soft society, there is no hard edge, no real challenge and no real failures to be experienced. with this softness, we lack the drive to pursue dreams and take risks?

failure in modern society does not always occur immediately and suddenly. many a times, it creeps up on us and traps us, like frogs in a slow boiling pot. before we know it, we have no more options, no more chances and no more ways to survive. many small things can contribute to failures and having a lowered risk appetite and lowered drive to dream big, in my opinion, can become crippling without any sense of it at all.

for whom or what do we burn for? are we are simply satisfied to live as life takes us along and survive with our modern lifestyle and all it's distractions? something each of us must answer to ourselves.

too late for me to ramble on. too drowsy to think straight. too sad to feel motivated. or should it be 'in spite of' and not 'because of'.? hmm...

on and on

more things fail around me. i have to go on and do what i have to do.

no chance to relax now. too much at stake. gah..

no clear sign. perhaps..perhaps..perhaps not..

unexpectedly

good times..bad times..sometimes..just happens.

learn from it. grow with it. deal with it.

mood

having a really bon jovi mood. it's like all their songs suits me fine today.

'my guitar lies bleeding in my arms'
'starting all over again'
'it's my life'
'blaze of glory'
'living on a prayer'

good lunch day with an awesome person.

meh

due to work and other unrelated causes, this is the most unhappening birthday in years.

sad, but not devastated. thinking about work. and stuff. and someone else. bah.

06111980

happy birthday to me.

you are not alone

another day has gone
i'm still all alone
how could this be
you're not here with me
you never said goodbye
someone tell me why
did you have to go
and leave my world so cold

everyday i sit and ask myself
how did love slip away
something whispers in my ear and says
that you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

but you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart
but you are not alone

'lone, 'lone
why, 'lone

just the other night
i thought i heard you cry
asking me to come
and hold you in my arms
i can hear your prayers
your burdens I will bear
but first i need your hand
then forever can begin

everyday i sit and ask myself
how did love slip away
something whispers in my ear and says
that you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart
for you are not alone

Whisper three words and i'll come runnin'
and girl you know that i'll be there
i'll be there

you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay
for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though you're far away
i am here to stay

for you are not alone
for i am here with you
though we're far apart
you're always in my heart

for you are not alone...

flying time

it's been some months since i started going down this road. choices have been made and being reinforced.

i am still just starting to walk. it's time to start picking up the pace, or i'll be staying the same for too many years.

looking back, i can see that i have been trying very hard in this area. too hard and too long. too narrow minded to look beyond and listen to advise given by so many people. regret is too late..sorry too hollow. the only thing i should be doing is do. i got to go on and do.

many shit going down at home. got to hold it till i can stand and walk on my own properly.

wish. hope. do.

presently distracted

it's been quite some time, and yet i still feel rather hurt. i guess it'll take longer than this to let me walk free. i think part of it is myself not wanting it to be free from it.

i understand. i know. yet i cannot accept it. i am doing what i said i would be doing and yet it's all gone and here i am all alone going at the world and struggling. i have my own targets and goals. and i am having fun and growing. yet i am angry..and sad.

there are so many things that i wanted to do with you. asked you to go do them. and you or i always have some reason not to do them. and now you are all doing them with other people. i cannot help but be angry.

all i want to do is to punch the world and let it explode.

i am not ok. i breath and walk. i work and play. but i am less than what i was. i find it difficult to build myself up on the inside even though on the outside i am already much better than i was.

anger leads to hate. hate leads to pain and suffering for the person who holds the hate. i am me.

losing balance

as i go along trying to fit in and be better in the general world, i find myself being more and more irritated and angry. at the world and with myself.

the general wrongness of the society's systems bugs me. i cannot think of a better way, yet i know the current system is bad for us, bad for the world and cannot last.

helpless before the machine. rage.

define ourselves

We talk about our struggles.
We're friends, fellow travelers on this journey. She keeps repeating a phrase, "I'm the girl who...."
It's the phrase I've heard from the lips of hundreds of women. From my own too.
We face a challenge and redefine ourselves by it.

Here are some I've said:
I'm the girl who has social anxiety.
I'm the girl who has depression.
I'm the girl who can't have children.
Those sentences trap us, limit us, make us believe we are our worst moments.

I clear my throat and whisper quietly into the phone what has set me free...
"That's not who you are, friend, it's where you are right now."

She sighs with relief and says the words that are like candy for my ears, "You need to write about this on your blog." So here we are. Because I need to hear this truth more than once...and maybe you do too.
Your struggle is not your identity.
It's your location at the moment.

If there were spiritual GPS, we could locate your spot in the desert. Imagine you did so with me and I said, "This place is my identity forever." You'd shake your head and say, "You're on your way to the Promised Land! This is just a temporary stop!"

Then you'd remind me...
I'm the girl who is God's daughter.
I'm the girl with strengths placed within me for a purpose.
I'm the girl who's unconditionally loved by Someone who can get me through anything.

Where we are in life changes.
Who we are stays the same wherever we may go.
Where are you today, friend?
And who are you, really?

Words of encouragement by Holley Gerth. For more hope and encouragement, visit her blog Heart to Heart with Holley

guiding words and light

these days at church, the sermons seems to be so enlightening to my life's problems. it's like every week, God is trying to point out to me what i did wrong and how to fix them.

 i have been self-centered. i didn't think so, i thought i was fine and thoughtful, but i wasn't. most of the time, i was just being me and not really caring with paying attention. like, follow my way or you are wrong and i will educate you. so now, i shall endeavor to be really caring about others when listening and talking about them.

i have been taking people for granted. this is a continuation of the above carelessness. so you are here and i deserve your attention and care, while i will continue with what i am doing and you fit yourself in somehow. this is not the right way for any relationship or friendship. there have to be give and take.

then finally, treating others as equals. i think i have this problem for the longest of time. i have always somehow unknowingly, put people below me or above me, never equal. they are either more gifted than i or plain idiots. people have strengths and weaknesses, like i do.

i must learn to acknowledge them and learn how to deal with people properly. i hope these stays with me and make me better as time goes by and i learn to better relate to others.

persistance

if nothing else, i am that. and not always for the better of results.

now knowing when to stop is not a good thing. but if you stop, how can you know if more effort will make a difference?

keep calm and keep going.

components

i know what i am missing in my life. but it's not up to me.

somehow, somewhere, sometime, things will fall in place. i still have faith. one way or another my path will become clearer.

right now. do what i do and do my best. that's what it's all about. i may not chose everything in my life, but i can chose what i do with them.

Thank God for the good friends that we meet less than enough and yet they pull us through the tough times. I pray that i am a blessing to them as they are to me.

satisfaction

tough circumstances and lack of time. changing requirements and body weak. in the end, i did well.

i trained very little. had to leave half way through ranking, ok not half way, but after one end. and i did what i could..and was rather happy. did good shots when it mattered and scored the best in my team.

God, our heavenly Father, thank you.

leaders

been thinking about this for a long time and i have strong opinions about this issue.

many schools and institutions, even businesses have been saying or implying that everyone can be taught to be a leader somehow. our own army have been saying the same thing. every soldier a leader. leadership camps. talks that 'teaches' about leadership and courses to make you a netter leader. i disagree to a large extend.

leader. someone who leads. leads others. if everyone, every soldier, every school child is a 'leader'. what's there left to lead?

every organization have a structure, which serves a purpose and puts every member in a place to fulfill their role and ultimately the purpose of the organization. i can bet you my left kidney, that there is no organization where everyone is a leader. someone have to follow orders and do some menial task somewhere.

perhaps some of the problems that arises when doing group work stems from this mentality. everyone a leader, so everyone wants things done their way. even in a democracy or a republican system, there are leaders and followers, you either vote the people who speaks for your beliefs or you vote for what is the best idea and after the voting, the voted idea's originator becomes a 'manager' of the task and leads people to do them. everyone should follow the decision of the vote. should..

not everyone can be a leader, but having some qualities that a leader should possess is indeed an awesome thing.

what qualities should a leader possess? every book tells a different story. some of the common ones are, initiative, problem solving with available resources, communication skills, negotiation skills and perhaps creativity, which in itself is a problematic trait to pin down.

looking at the above sets of 'skills', we can see that it is not difficult to have those skill sets and not be a leader. we could be just good at being a person in whatever field we're in with those skills. why is that? perhaps there is no desire to lead, perhaps there is no one to lead, perhaps there is no need to lead?

in every situation there are leaders and followers. the tasks may change and the role may change, but the most important thing to lead is ourselves. to lead, one must have a purpose then the skills. so in our own lives, we must have purpose then devise ways to lead ourselves there. in this, everyone can be a leader.

feel it

the sweet pain of being lonely.

sounds

been trying out my rather new Mogul headphones against my trusty T-Jays 3. got some feedback from friends as well.

i think they are both nice in their own ways.

precision. the TJ3 is better in this aspect as being in-ear gives it a certain advantage over an over ear over and over again. bzzt..pffht.. the reproduction in the TJ is crispier/crisper and more balanced with slight loss of power in the low range. the M have heavier lows and weak highs, thus i find it less accurate. nonetheless, still enjoyable given certain tracks.

comfort. i prefer the M as the padding is thick and yet overall weight does not give me a headache. while the TJ is in ear, after long period of it being snugly stuck in my ear, i tend to have a slight headache.

sound stage. M wins hands down. the wide sound stage is very different from the in ear. it give 'live' tracks a very enjoyable feel while still being able to maintain good space from studio track. TJ is nice as well, but the sound being right at your ear drums robs some of the ambiance of the music. however, it is still very nice to be able to hear the precise notes that is slightly lost from the M. not everyone like the wide sound stage, just like not everyone enjoys live music and prefers studio recorded precise pieces.

i must say that i enjoy these two very different devices. they give different feel to the tracks while reproducing the music to an extend that i find no fault in enough to detract me from the enjoyment.

if i am on the MRT, i would prefer the TJ as the in ear blocks out  more environment noise, but in quieter situations i prefer the M as i can get lost in the tracks more easily.