thinking

been home the entire morning. then went out for food and pay bills. mind cannot stop thinking.

wondering and conjecturing. the book i am reading also makes me think, exactly i am wishing it makes me think of things that are removed from my current life.

Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time. wonderful book. puts forth lots of ideas and theories as to how the universe came about and how will it end up. some theories actually points strongly to a creator's presense. like any minute change in how the universe is, even the deviance of a thousanth of a percentage of the weight of an electron, will effect a change so drastic that we may not exist. there may be no way to prove or disprove the presense of God, but to me the very fact that we are here supports the idea strongly.

anyhow..was thinking about how things come to be like this in my life. not only just the current thing that caused me some grief..but in general. the paths i took and the things i lost and gave up. came to some conclusion..but..well i..am i.

no idea what to think. don't really know why. but guess there isn't a need to know why. it's just a want. to know what failed..what is the reason for this to occur. hope, wish, pray. to no avail. it's just another broken dream.

reached the point where i realise i don't want anything. i no longer enjoy the journey. used to enjoy or rather lived it. even through the pains and losses..i kept strong and hoped and dreamed. now..i find myself wanting the journey to end. no longer do i want to experience anymore. i stopped wanting anything. day by day..i don't want to do anything. i just want to get away from eveything. things i used to enjoy..feels so dull. food taste bland. if it's just the current thing..then not too bad..but if the rest of my days are to be such..i'm in deep shit. nothing much i can do..but go on and hope for the best.

mix of feelings and thoughts. i know i don't mean some of them. it's just carried away by the moment.

Sonate au Clair de Lune