painkiller

i really don't want to be like this again. it hurts damn alot. way too much than it should.
what a fool again. told myself to not even have hope of it..but no..ken as usual have to fall in and get hurt.
no one's fault. just as things go. but damn..it hurts.
argh..how i wish. but wishes are just that. far away and unreal.
i thought the knife gone for good. but here it is right in front of me. in my chest again. though there's no wound and i am alive..that doea not mean i am well.
have the urge to ask 'why?' but somehow know that this is what it must come to eventually..sooner or later. why?
where is my cave? where's my hole? i need to hide. to break down again. facing the world with 'the ken' does not make ken ok. makes him worse. losing more of himself. giving up on dreams and turning towards loneliness. don't feel much hope left..for any of the dreams. no more strength..or rather don't want the strength to carry on.
needing company to stay sane. yet loathing it. who cares? who cares enough? who do i want to care? who will?
someone told ken before 'if you are a pillar for those around, you will always be lonely.' so far the statement is true.
ken don't like himself anymore. don't like the things he do. don't like the dreams he have. but he cannot bring himself to love himself more..to take care of himself. he..is lost. don't know who he wants to be. he feels like giving up.
time and again he tries..he stumble on..survives. but never leave. still at the same place.

你知不知道　思念一個人的滋味
就像喝一杯冰冷的水
然後用很長很長的時間　一顆一顆流成熱淚
你知不知道　寂寞的滋味
寂寞是因為思念誰
你知不知道　痛苦的滋味
痛苦是因為想忘記誰
你知不知道　忘記一個人的滋味
就像欣賞一種殘酷的美
然後用很小很小的聲音　告訴自己堅強面對
你知不知道　你知不知道
你知不知道寂寞的滋味
寂寞是因為思念誰
-巫启贤