all in all

life is such..unpredictable and strange yet have all the makings of a drama.

as is said..theatre mirrors life. and the other way round too. too much going on in everyone's life and too little time to share and to enjoy life as is given. we all rush around like ants, scavenging for food and whatever that looks like qould please our bosses or something.

emotions bottled up most of the time and when it passes a threshold it all blows out and harm everyone around. guess that happens to alot of people. and it happen less to me now..but still as deadly i guess.

we are all allowed our own expressions and opinions though what we say and do can affect others as well. and then where does individual expression have a place in? where is the line that are to be drawn for self-expression and society's sensitivities'? what is acceptable and what is not?

i feel that everyone should have a certain amount of sensitivity to the issues at which they are expressing about and therefore exercise their own judgement to restrain what they are commenting on to objective facts. though by allowing individual to exercise their own judgement we come across idiots who say and do things that are hurtful/false/detrimental to society and what have you.

there are many things said about many things in many places. and alot of these are lies. and some are half-truths. how are we to know? who are we to trust?

this post have taken a turn into the below 5. but that was not my intention. sOo..here's an attempt to bring it back up.

we all have power to affect others and make a difference in people's lives. to make changes on this planet for better or worse. every decisions have repercusions and may not be totally known what it brings when we do certain things. but we are humans, how can we keep track of aall the variables in life? i guess we cannot and sOo..we go on in life doing our best and hope everything turns out well.

worry less and do your best. and everyone's best is different and so we should not compare to whaat otehrs can do or have did. though those comparison can be an inspiration. if it bring syou down more, why should you keep comparing and belittling yourself?

we are all different. special. let us be who we are and do our best to be who we want to be. let us shine..

be.

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of god. your playing small does not serve the world.
there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do.
we were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us.
it is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-poem by Marianne Williamson

heartfelt.

reel-

-ing.

i am still a boy. a freaking stupid boy.

very disappointed with myself.

but i am only human. i really don't like it when that happens. and i dont know what to do. bah..i'll get by. i'll survive. i'll do it.

drinking after midnight then trying to type is a slow process.

i don't know what to do. God..please take my life and giv me the wisdom to know what's right. it hurts me yet i don't want to hurt someone else.

man..such fragile creatures.

GOd

and man are meant to be flawed and to sin.

is life meant to be so difficult? is love?

i hate myself.

life

is a freaking twisted ironic bitch.

when shit falls. they fall all at once.

beast

i guess i am one. cause..

when i am angry with someone..something..i am certainly not nice. not nice at all, yes sir.

i can be nice and generous. polite and courteous. kind and giving. BUT..if anyone, anything threatens things/people i care about..i become angry. and that is not very conducive for health. one way or another.

anyway. beasts, when cornered become enraged and fight back with their life. what say even man. sOo..don't push people the a corner and expect them to roll over and die. they don't. usually.

i'm am still me. still here. be well.

one time..

angry now.

couldn't decide i was disappointed, sad or angry. now i know..i am angry.

if you don't know..don't ask.

if you never learn, then you'll never grow. up. or out of it. stop. now.

what more damage you want to do? don't you know. have you not learnt? there are no secrets. especially online.

what you think you know?you know nothing. and you assume. again. and again. and still again.

there is nothing anyone. can. do. for. you. it's you. who got to grow. to change. to live!

if you don't pull your head out of the hole. you'll never see what the world have to show you.

angry. doesn't cut it anymore. i was angry. i was pissed. i was disappointed. i was sad. i was sorry. i was concerned. i was trying to do what i could to help. now. i am angry.

what does it take to wake you up? what will it take to make you stand up and be who you can be? instead of living in a dream?!

omg. if anything goes bad. i'll never never ever forgive you.

you. don't. even. know. half. of. it.
what others go through. went through. you think you know? grow up!

if i could scream like i want to. earth will shatter.

..is enough.

it's all.. ..

heart. from where emotions are felt. somehow.

scientifically, it's all in the mind. but somehow when you are hurt, your heart aches. maybe it's cultural conditioning. maybe it's not. but anyhow..it's there that feels that pain and it's there that feels full and warm.

let me be an instrument. and my life shall be full in your eyes.

by helping others i am feeling good about myself. in a way, that's not very good. i can get hurt so easily that way. but i guess in my life, what matters to me are those around me whom i care and love. and it's not about the short term. i hope we are all in it for the long haul. then we stay friends and encourage each other. see each other through ups and downs. do what's best for everyone around. that's the best case senario.

no one can be perfect. we can only do what we can.
measure against ourselves and improve upon that.

you're in my heart.

suicided

thought about doing this long before and often. never thought it'll come to this and if it did..i wouldn't.

but i did.

God..if it's the right thing to do. please let the pain make me stronger.

for eleven years..i dreamt. i fought. i tried. now i give it up.

truthfully i did not fare well. others who came after me did much better. i still kept faith and did my best. i do all i can. ups and downs. lost many other things cause of my devotion to this.

i guess it comes to this. what i want in my life? dream. i cannot do so many things. i tried and i really got over stretched and cannot do anything well. stressed up and tired. sick and losing motivation.

after thinking hard and all that..i decided to help others. and give up my own dream.

it was a step closer to take to my dreams. i stopped and pulled others before me. propelling them faster..sacrificing my inertia.

i hope it's the right thing to do. then my pain will be worth it.

_dea

huh? read and think. then you'll know. i hope. for your sake. no, not the japanese rice wine.

hope that life could be good and happy and cherry and all that. guess it's not as simple as that. andi don't know why.

i have swallowed anger on a bus full of india indians who stick their butt at you when there are plenty of aspace around. maybe they are used to crowd and cannot stand not being in touch with anyone. i bear it. with clenched jaw and fist. any closer and i don't know what i'll do.

i have been patient and kept silent regarding the nonsense people who use the range on sunday. all talk and no action. yes range unkempt and messy. who uses it? there's lots of rubbish. whoes could it be? i wonder. though only for a nanosecond. cause the answer is simple. and obvious. and in the end it's left to someone who seldom use the range anymore to clean it up. how shameful. i admit i was slow. i got the plan up only after it was cleaned. hope it stays clean.

i am more tolerant. more peaceful. more calm. and much less lazy now.

but still unhappy at times. is it simply to vary the days? to make us appreciate the good ones? or is it something lacking still. i guess everyone have bad days and down days. though the change from agood day to a bad day happens real fast. moment. one single moment. no different formt he last or the next. yet such an impact on one's perspective on everything.

ranting. rambling. not happy. slightly angry. slightly sad. slightly is relative.

perhaps i ask too much. perhaps my standards for certain thigns are too high. perhaps.

i have no clue as to why such things happen. couldn't things work smoothly for once.

hurt and pain. my close companion for so long. thought they have left..for good. now back again at such unexpected times. and i know not the reason.

i should have changed that stupid lock
i should have made you leave your key

somethings feel so weird. yet so comforting. it changes me. it made me want to be better and do more to ensure thigns are fine.

and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night
and loves dares you to change our way of
caring about ourselves

changed. for the better i hope. i hope you too. <3

no idea why. hope to be in the know though. hmm.

and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

more thievery

credits to casey..for the last one too. be well and at peace.

How bad are you...
Are you a good or bad boy/girl?? Add one point for everything you have done. If you get more than 60 - you are bad! Lower than that-- no worries you're still a little angel!

BE HONEST!!! NO CHEATING!

1) smoked
2) consumed alcohol
3) slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex
6) made out with someone of the same sex
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex
8) watched porn
9) bought porn
10) done drugs
TOTAL: 7 =D ermm..

11) taken pain killers
12) taken someone else's prescription medicine
13) lied to your parents
14) lied to a friend
15) snuck out of the house
16) done something illegal
17) cut yourself
18) hurt someone
19) wished someone to die
20) seen someone die
TOTAL: 9 getting worse it seems..

21) missed curfew
22) stayed out all night
23) eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
24) been to a therapist
25) been to rehab
26) dyed your hair
27) received a ticket
28) been in a wreck
29) been to a club
30) been to a bar
TOTAL: 4 phew

31) been to a wild party
32) seen the Mardi Gras
34) had a spring break in Florida
35) sniffed anything
36) wore black nail polish
37) wore arm bands
38) wore t-shirts with band name
39) listened to rap
40) own a 50 cent CD
TOTAL: 2

41) dressed gothic
42) dressed prep
43) dressed punk
44) dressed grunge
45) stole something
46) been too drunk to remember anything
47) blacked out
48) fainted
49) had a crush on your neighbor
50) had someone sneak into your room
TOTAL: 3

51) snuck into someone else's room
52) had a crush on someone of the same sex
53) been to a concert
54) dry humped someone
55) been called a slut
56) called someone a slut
57) installed speakers in your car
58) broke a mirror
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush
TOTAL: 3

61) consider Mac, Dre, e40 or Mistah Fab your favorite rapper
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters
63) cruised the mall
64) skipped school
65) had an eating disorder
66) had an injury
67) gone to court
68) walked out of a restaurant without paying
69) caught something on fire
70) lied about your age
TOTAL: 6 oh no..

71) owned an apartment
72) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
73) cheated with someone
74) got in trouble with the police
75) talked to a stranger
76) hugged a stranger
77) kissed a stranger
78) rode in the car with a stranger
79) been sexually harassed
80) been verbally harassed
TOTAL: 2

81) met face to face with someone you met online
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight
83) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
84) watched TV for 12 hours straight
85) been to a fair
86) been called a bad influence
87) cursed
88) prank called someone
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex
90) cheated on a test
TOTAL: 7

91) cheated on homework
92) held hands with someone of the opposite sex
93) been pushed into a pool
94) played pool
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight
96) had a crush on someone 10 years older than you
97) had a crush on someone younger than you
98) wear eyeliner
99) skinny dipped
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt
TOTAL: 4

Final total: 47

haha..not that bad..phew..

religion?

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Postmodernist 69% Cultural Creative 69% Existentialist 50% Modernist 50% Romanticist 50% Materialist 44% Idealist 44% Fundamentalist 38% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

hmm..doesn't say much..but well..i believe.=)

there must be heart. if you have no heart for what you do..you have nothing.

days

days come and days go.

things get better and things gets worse.

happy. then get angry then get happy again. or not.

i want to care and it's tough. caring for you. you..someone else.

perhaps my idea of being well is too much. perhaps i am just all too sensitive and critical. perhaps i ask too much.

guess it's my turn to get mood swings.

break

been awhile since i blogged. was busy..been overseas and had camp. so now decided to just type and s@@ what comes out. heh.

quite abit to do the past weeks. regarding work and stuff and been hanging out with people and enjoying life as it is given. pretty alright i guess, though there are frustrating parts. people and happenings do not always go the way we want. guessed i matured abit in this regard, less tight assed and angry when things go wrong. able to put it aside and do what i can and what i need. i like it. things are smoother and i am happier, generally.

and as God have given me so much. i hope in trun i can give and do God's work, by His will.

i dont' know what may come tomorrow but i know i want to do what i can to help others. i hope i can contribute to the happiness of people around me. i love so many people, my friends, my family..and in general everyone. when people are happy they also usually react less aggressively and then in turn make other people's day better and so on. sOo..start a day happy and be determined to stay happy and in turn it may not be too difficult to make people happy. simplistic and optimistic..but well..if it works sometimes, it's already worth it. since it also makes yourself happy.

keep faith. dream on. have love.
faith, hope and love. God's gift.

give me some years back i'll have alot of reasons not to be a believer. all the questions, somewhat unanswerable or cannot be answered to my satisfaction. i was of the mind that if no one can answer me satisfactorily i'll not let myself believe. through some turn of events, i got back to church and let myself be talked to and once again let myself try to believe. this time i guess i learnt the meaning of faith. it's not something you can logicalise to be true or false. it's not something you can touch or see. if it can..it doesn't need faith and trust and believe. simply because it's so much more than what we can percieve and comprehand perhaps that's why i couldn't bring myself to believe. i remember somebody once told me why she is a christian, simple because she believes there's a God.

that's it. simple and powerful. though i left it aside for some months before realising that i have been given the answer i have been looking for. it's simply 'i believe. i have faith.' that's it. there is no question. the questions are not important anymore. not because i have felt His presence, or His works, or being touched by Him, or having been graced so much in my life. it's simply i believe.

and that have been the difference in my life. such a simple change and such a big difference. letting God take my life and work His will. taking it as He gives.

God is my shepard, i shall not want.

love, unconditional, giving, trusting, what else coud be said..?
from www.dictionary.com
deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
underlying sense of oneness..haha..nice one there isn't it. that doesn't say anything i guess. perhaps it's all different to certain extend for everyone. and for me..the above says what i think it should be.
a kind of care and concern and wanting the best for someone or something that is unconditional, giving and trusting. not asking anything in return.

and so..i am me. i love.

now this mountain i must climb
feels like a world upon my shoulders
i through the clouds i see love shine
it keeps me warm as life grows colder

in my life there’s been heartache and pain
i don’t know if i can face it again
can’t stop now, i’ve traveled so far
to change this lonely life

i wanna know what love is
i want you to show me
i wanna feel what love is
i know you can show me
-Foreigner

深海

就让我沈溺 爱深不见底
抵抗痛苦没有力气 我爱你从不盼你
回报万分之一 你不该走的那么彻底
就让我忘记 再回到过去
欺骗自己比较容易 我好想醉身海里
远离风风雨雨 拔掉我心上所有呼吸
怎知我情深似海 全都是泪来灌溉
困陷在感情深渊不能醒来 海越深
越是平静越是冰冷 爱越深
越是执着越是天真 我对你情深似海
你毫不眷恋离开 你教我怎么相信昨天存在
谁不想一旦付出就要精彩
偏偏你选择他来给你未来
-赵传

return

-ed

tired. contented. happy actually.

safe trip. interesting trip. thank you.

life and such

been normal i guess. some minor problems..as usual.

feeling abit low today. had a great service, and great time before i reach the range. time at the range and after service was..bleah.

abit out of sorts..i know the problems are there. but it's not something that i can solve. changing people's mentality and mindset and how they view me. i am me. if they want to play cliques and isolate me. why should i care? cause it's my job? seriously..in my opinion. most of these people should be out of the picture. out of my picture. i do my job. if you want to bypass me and look for whoever..is it my problem? i am here to help you, but i cannot help you, if i don't know the problem. heck, i don't even know what's happening..cause you don't let me know. i am not there on weekends cause i have other commitments. just as you people are not there on weekdays cause you have other commitments. do i have to conform? no, fuck you.

i am me. i do what i do. i do what i can. if you don't trust me enough to let me do my job then your failure to trust and respect, caused me to fail and eventually the whole system. my job is to be a middle man. to work out between two parties. one side use me. one side don't. what am i to do? am i to blame? cause i am not there? cause i am not made know the issues? i say, 'please bang a wall to yourself.'

you got your job, that's to do your best. i got a job, and i do what i can. i got other jobs like you. you expect more from me? more than you are giving? if hell have not a place for you, i'll make one.

more pissed than i thought i was. cause i guess i am doing my best on top of my other things that require my attention. some of you think that i am only doing this, perhaps? you are wrong. i am doing this cause i thought i can help. i am not in for the money. what money? i can earn more working part-time, please.

bah. irate.

thank God for the blessings in my life, for without, i would be crushed.

i could stay awake just to hear you breathing
watch you smile while you are sleeping
while you’re far away dreaming
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender
i could stay lost in this moment forever
every moment spent with you is a moment i treasure

don’t want to close my eyes
i don’t want to fall asleep
cause i’d miss you baby
and i don’t want to miss a thing
cause even when i dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
i’d still miss you baby
and i don’t want to miss a thing

lying close to you feeling your heart beating
and i’m wondering what you’re dreaming
wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
then i kiss your eyes
and thank God we’re together
i just want to stay with you in this moment forever
forever and ever

don’t want to close my eyes
i don’t want to fall asleep
cause i’d miss you baby
and i don’t want to miss a thing
cause even when i dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
i’d still miss you baby
and i don’t want to miss a thing

i don’t want to miss one smile
i don’t want to miss one kiss
i just want to be with you
right here with you, just like this
i just want to hold you close
feel your heart so close to mine
and just stay here in this moment
for all the rest of time

don’t want to close my eyes
i don’t want to fall asleep
cause i’d miss you baby
and i don’t want to miss a thing
cause even when i dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
i’d still miss you baby
and i don’t want to miss a thing

don’t want to close my eyes
i don’t want to fall asleep
i don’t want to miss a thing
-Aerosmith

knowledge

knowldge is power. to certain extend, certainly.

knowledge of things can let you make decisions..right decisions. good decisions.
knowledge can give you upper hand in any number of situations.
knowledge can make you feel depressed, happy, peaceful and any variety of emotions.

knowledge is power. to know it is the surface. to change it is power. to be able to control what others know is power indeed.

personally, knowledge of yourself. better knowledge of how you think, feel, react and want to be, can allow you to have more control over yourself. this is, what i feel, most people lack. knowledge of themselves.

certainly, i think i don't know myself enough. i mean i am still trying to know and to change how i react to certain things..but yet there are alot of times when i cannot stop myself or even understand why i do or feel certain things. and those are things that i may regret later on.

sOo..perhaps if we know ourselves better and are able to stop ourselves from doing, saying things we know we'll regret, then we can be happier with ourselves and live life with less regrets.

but then as persons, we are always changing. it may be not as easy to know and understand even ourselve. but..what's to stop us from trying to better our lives?

we have met the enemy. they are us.

mirror test

when you get what you want in your struggle for self
and the world makes you king for a day
just go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say

you may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
and get pats on the back as you pass
but your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you cheated the man in the glass

when tha game is over, i just want to look at myself in the mirror, win or lose, and i know i gave it everything i had.
-Joe Montana

things don't always go our way. but keep faith and do your best, for nothing is written until God calls you home.

story i was given

the chinese farmer
there is a chinese story of an old farmer who had an old horse for tilling his fields.
one day the horse escaped into the hills and, when all the farmer's neighbours sympathised with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, 'bad luck? good luck? who knows?'

a week later the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills and this time the neighbours congratulated the farmer on his good luck. his reply was, 'good luck? bad luck? who knows?'

then, when the farmer's son was attempted to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. everyone thought this very bad luck. not the farmer, whose only reaction was, 'bad luck? good luck? who knows?'

some weeks later the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. when they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg they let him off. now was that good luck? bad luck? who knows?

was given this story before i was broken..about 2 years back..?

now being here..being who i am now. i learn this lesson and abit more.
not to judge things immediatly..they may turn around and surprise you..for good or bad.
nothing is sure or over till the fat lady sings.(if you don't know who the fat lady is..you ought to bang a wall against yourself.)

there are times when we are happy and feel so blessed. we love what we have and seems like nothing can get us down.
then there are times when everything is the opposite.

what i feel is..we should not take things too hard. things happen we invariably feel happy/sad/whatever..but is it necessary to the extend where we want to die ah..the world is so unfair ah..why i so unlucky..why only me? why? why? why?

stop that whining..unless you have cheese to go with it.

it's not the end until you die. sometimes things just go bad..learn from it and be better. to be able to handle more things. to be able to think clearly when things come falling apart. to keep your cool when the heat is up. take a deep breath and chill out before taking a look at it. you'll be more focused and less emotionally unstable. that will probably help in most cases.

when things are good..i guess enjoy and take it as it comes. don't get ahead of yourself. the future is not for us to fathom. take it and be happy that you have it. smile and think of all the nice things you have.

we all have lost before. we all have good times before. what's important is the now that we are in. don't dwell too much in the past or future..you'll lose your now.

sometimes, we just have to learn to let things come and go.
i know it's easier said then done.
but how long do you want to live in the past?
the shadow of a future that's no longer possible?
we are only human..let us deal with what we can and enjoy life as it's given.

thank you.

concerns

things i am concern about. though most of them i am powerless to do anything about. and below is one of them. SPR, apply liberally.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4812562.stm
http://news.yahoo.com/fc/US/Bush_Administration

why don't they s@@ themselves as threat to other people's right? they only wish to impose what they think is right to others and are totally missing the point that there are also people who view them as evil. only difference is the power to act on them.

they spend billions bombing people's cities and countries. they send their own people to die for their idea of freedom. they are the most indebted developed country. wth man.

why bother about what other countries do? if you pissed them off obviously you're scared. if not..what's the deal? people spend money build what they want..you build what you want. you have nukes but you don't want others to have them. you stop everyone from having them..pussy shit. cannot deal equally with others. think you are big brother..? shit head. the line between self-defence and bullying have been crossed so many times and still are being exploited cause they are the largest military. what a load of bull-.

after mistake in iraq. no WMDs were found. no links to terrorist were established. now they aim iran. if it's not about control of oil, i don't know what other than stupidity and machoism.

china build by army, you rebuke. russia opening up economy not the way you want, you rebuke. you say this and that country axis of evil. wow. mr. bush, are you God? or are you the right hand? or left?

didn't really want to bother. but i felt that people must be made aware.

oh well..anyway. things been cool. staying calm about life. trying to be better and disciplined. exercising and work related. also reminding myself about my temper. need to work it better.

so yeah..life's been normal. kind of. some ups and downs and trials. pretty good i guess. got chance at something better.

and as the Lord's grace fill my life. i live for Him. pray that i may fulfill whatever He planned for me. to live as He made me to live.

recently

just been pretty good.

had some problems controlling my own emotions at times. especially when it concerns the things i care alot about. my bad. hope i learn from them mistakes well and be better, and cause less troubles.

off to camp. back in a few days. s@@ you folks around. =)

may i live strong with God as my guide, my fortress and my Lord. come what may.

sometimes i wanna give up
i wanna give in,
i wanna quit the fight
and then i see you, baby
and everything's alright,
everything's alright

when i see you smile
i can face the world, oh oh,
you know i can do anything
when i see you smile
i see a ray of light, oh oh,
i see it shining right through the rain
when i see you smile
oh yeah, baby when i see you smile at me
-Bad English

amazing grace

how amazing my life have been the past year or sOo.. after being led back to God, things have just been better. there are still ups and downs, but there's been so much more peace and joy.

amazing grace! how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!
i once was lost, but now am found;
was blind, but now i see.

'twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
and grace my fears relieved;
how precious did that grace appear
the hour i first believed.

through many dangers, toils and snares,
i have already come;
'tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
and grace will lead me home.

the Lord has promised good to me,
his word my hope secures;
he will my shield and portion be,
as long as life endures.

yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
i shall possess, within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.

the world shall soon dissolve like snow,
the sun refuse to shine;
but God, who called me here below,
shall be forever mine.

when we've been there ten thousand years,
bright shining as the sun,
we've no less days to sing God's praise
than when we'd first begun.

and the Lord gives, to those who keep faith in him.
i thank you, my Lord, for all that's in my life.
all that have made me, me.

another day

another shoot..another blow..another mistake..

intentions?dreams?wishes? all nothing if you cannot live by them and fulfill them.

nothing much to say here. lousy day overall yesterday.

i'll still do what i do and be me. cause that's all there is to do and be.

holding on

had a great weekend.

good friends.
good games.
good days.
good time.
=)

had sometime to think about stuff on bus back, since i forgotten to charge my mp3 player. about holding on to stuff..people..

i guess at some point of time in our brief lives, there would be people who leave us. and we are hurt and lost and damned(that's how we feel at that time, anyway). then our days are like nights and nights are still like nights. time seem a blur and all we feel is numbness or pain.

it's during times like this that our memories are like the commercials that we hate most. always playing the most hurtful parts and the also nicest parts..tempting our regret and stealing our sanity. our mind have taken leave and our body left on it's own, refuse to play its part. food taste like rocks and water like sand. body numb and sleep elusive.

after some days like this..slowly things go back to normal. life beckons. how long can one stay dead while being alive? i have no idea and hope i don't get another chance to try. it is then that we are merely surviving. not really alive. cause we are still holding on.

to memories. to hope. to anything that we can. unconsicously. we may simply hope to let go and start afresh and make up for lost time. but deep down we are still living the past and unable to walk on. so much were share and "blahblahblah.. .. .."

from experiencing my own recovery and talking and knowing people around me. i have come to this question.

if you say you love somebody and only want to best for them, want them to be happy. yet you hold on..unable to let them be. to let them go, in body as in mind. to allow them space to live, to make mistakes and to be a person without you. to simply let go of the need to make them happy. where is the line? the line that it's about them or it's about you?

is it to satisfy yourself? or to know they are happy or simply ok?no one can forever be happy..it would become meaningless. and everyone makes mistakes and have problems.

i asked myself this regarding people in my life. and i guess only recently that i can truthfully say that as long as they are generally happy and living their lives, i'm glad for them. ask me 3..4 months ago and i would have answered otherwise, maybe. it would have been i want to know they are happy. if i have truely let go of them from my life..why do i have to know that they are happy? as friends go, problems to share, ok..help and talk and ask. not dig and dig and dig, what are you unhappy about..nitpicking nitpicking.

that somehow seems narcissistic and hypocritical. but hey, that's me thinking. sOo..i guess for me, to let go of somebody like this is to mean leaving the person to be who they are. to live and make mistakes and handle problems..hopefully with me on the sideline as a friend.

smiles.
do what needs to be done and enjoy life as it is given.

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
-Sarah Mclachlan, Angel

somewhere

there's a place for us,
a time and place for us.
hold my hand and we're halfway there.
hold my hand and i'll take you there
somehow,
some day,
somewhere!
-West Side Story

we all get down sometime..somehow..somwhere.
sometimes..things ain't as bad as we think.
maybe all we need to do is carry on and keep faith.

keeping the dream alive
keep the faith
dream on

became a part of me..something i believe in.
cause miracles can happen..it just may take abit longer.
He have brought such wonders into my life recently.
should i have not the eyes to s@@..i would have been worse off.
thank the people around me who have guided me back to the Lord.
thank the Lord for them..for without i would be lost.

tentative regarding what's to come.
so many things happening.
so many possibilities.
so many fears.

faith..you have? i do.

life

so unexpected. so irritating.

so many things at so many times. ups and downs.

trying so hard and yet failing. having such good people around.

life.

moments

sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
sing with me, just for today
maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away
-Eminem, Sing for the Moment

taking moments as they come. living life as God have given me.
though i fear..i'll go on. i love you.

leader?

had a good peacful day today.

went to church after shooting some. not doing too great, but will work it out. i know i can..sOo..not too worried.

anyway, after church went grabbed some fruits and bread and ate alone at the fountain at raffles city shopping center basement. was letting my mind wander and random thoughts flow in. slowly it collaced(coalesced?) into more substantial stuff.

was thinking about what it means to be a leader, in my idealistic mind.

learn.
teach.
empower.

i feel a leader must be able to learn at all times and improve. must be able to study and analyse every situation. be able to take comments and critiques and turn them into strengths. not only to learn new skills, but also to improve upon those already learnt and optimise them with input and feedback from whatever sources.

teach..more like educate. to be able to let someone learn a new skill or to think in a new way, to see things in a new light. then that person is made better, not only in terms of knowledge, but also in terms of ablity to learn and think. to learn something new is always a good thing, i feel.

after learning and passing the on whatever you can, i feel that one must empower those you taught to handle themselves. to be put in life context and let them use the skills and knowledge they learn. then when they truely use the skills or knowledge they learnt, they have really grown with the skills or knowledge.

rant rant rant

well..some thoughts that occupied my mind while having my solitude dinner.

then saw this on a t-shirt..liked it.

not all who wander are lost.

it's part of a longer thing that goes .. .. ..

all that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.
from the ashes a fire shall be woken,
a light from the shadows shall spring;
renenwed shall be blade that was broken,
the crownless again shall be king.
-J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings.

i cannot find words to express what i am feeling now.
hopeful, recharged, at peace, eager for things to come, willing to help others find their way.

not as clear as i hope to be..but well..here are my thoughts for this particularly interesting sunday.=)

more theft

" ...it is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat... "
- theodore rossevelt(i don't think it polite to call him teddy)

then go to monique's blog for some good quotes.

life..come what may. i am me.

stolen from aishah

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,

'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

See what you think.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."- Karl - age 5

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you dont yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."- Samantha - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when youre tired."- Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."- Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."- Emily - age 8

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."- Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." -Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasnt scared anymore." - Cindy - age 8

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." - Elaine - age 5

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." -Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. -Bethany - age 4

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesnt think its gross." - Mark - age 6

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and ! little stars come out of you." - Karen - age 5

rock them joints

you're serioussss..

no kiddingggg..

heh..private jokes eh people? haha..

cool shit went down today..
we hit the ground running..
stretched our asses and whacked theirs..
jumped up, jumped up and got down..

finally we rocked them joints..!!

thank yous for being RoXXoRs..!!and thank you for being there..=)

recover

from so many things that have bugged me..

depression
shooting problems
people problems
work problems

it doesn't take anything substantial..it takes faith, trust and love.

learning to lead life better and give back. God hears and provides. He loves.

i have things in my life now that i cherish alot. problems come and go..somethings stays for good. and those are what we should focus on. God, family, friends..all takes love to work.

nothing is truely impossible..miracles just takes abit longer.

quote

love is when someone hurts you and you get so mad but you dont yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.
-from PJ's blog.

inspired

once again.

was walking in the national stadium..going for a talk there. looking at the stands..the lights..the display screens.

a feeling of pride and motivation rose up in me. felt as if i cannot fail..with the nation behind me. all i need to do..is to do what i do. nothing more.

almost everytime i go there i get this feeling. it makes me want to go the distance.

excellence, is never acheived in moderation.

FITA

sucks. hoped for more. couldn't acheive.

mood : 2/10

tired and cracked.

where art thou?

you are where your heart is.

you are where you are.

you have to present in your life to do things and to be alive.

if where you are..is not where you are thinking about. you are in deep shit. kind of..

to fully experience life where and when you are..requires you to be in the moment. that's a mental thing. mean's you don't think about 'yesterday' or 'tomorrow'. but you think and be in the 'now'. only that way..then can you react and live the moment..

but hey..that's only my opinion. some people are fully capable of stumbling through life with their brains safely stored at home or wherever they left it at..maybe their ex's handbag or their old school classroom.

sOo..ask yourself from time to time..
where am i?
when am i?

SOS?

i am not a fireman. i am not a ambulance medic. i am not a healer or what shit.

i hate it when certain person do something stupid then i got to save everyone. it's a simple thing. a mistake. that happens again and again. and everyone unhappy. you think i happy meh? but in the end..who have to cover and help talk to everyone? me.

we are a family..i hope?

things are getting out of hand. shooting his own foot. i am not his anyone..he was my first coach. i do what i can without betraying myself. but..how long can i do this without going crazee..?

it's pure stupidity.

ain't enough

this is a complain post.

there isn't enough RESPECT these days.

respect for little things, big things, old things, simple things..certain things that were meant to be respected.

i respect the mob, gangs and such for one thing..they teach you to respect the rules, the under ground laws. if you don't, you might find yourself in a whole load of crap. rules serve a purpose..no matter you don't understand or accept. the rule in the world you live in demands respect. or at least it should. nowadays, if you ain't punished for it, no one cares. even you there's punishments for breaking the rules, people still have no respect, because they don't see the point of the rules. the repect is not for the rule, or the people punishing you..it's for the order it brings. rules are to keep everyone safe from certain things..to even out everyone's power..sort of.

imagine you break a rule..a minor one. and if you were the person who is at the recieving end of the rule break. say..you cheated in a deal..earn more moolahs..and got away with it. how would you feel if you are the person who lost out in the deal? yes..it's not you. but the rules are to make everyone play in a level playing field. if everyone cheats however whatever way there is..then all hell breaks lose. soon it'll just be anarchy.

so to make sure everyone deals fairly..you to others as well as the other way round..there are rules. and most of them deserve respect..cause they bring about security, fairness and to some extend, maybe negatively, conformity.

respect for friends. and people around. people who cares, will ask you what's wrong when they know you are not. and there ain't enough respect if you do not tell them. or let them know you'll be alright because you can handle it. they respect you enough to care. do you respect them enough to let them?

maybe i'm wrong.
maybe i'm just a weird person.
too old for my age and acting too young.

wondering

about some stuffs. heh.

watch the show fearless(huo yuan jia). i think it's a great show(8/10). not everyone's kind of show though. it' s like a moral-teaching kind. not sure if it's a true story..sure feels like it is. action scenes are alright..some are too unbelievable though. it's quite a sad show..but i feel it's balance. how he is paying for his sins, but at least he found his love and peace. life's like that sometimes..

oh..new email account. ken.archery@gmail.com
please use that from now on.=)

nothing much these days..trying to train..coach people..do work..normal. things are normal..not too great..not too bad..happy in a way..no not happy..content is more like it.

spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
i need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
-Sarah McLachlan

zone

'its like learning Archery;
eventually you reach the point where ideas are ended
and feelings forgotten,
and then you suddenly hit the target.'
-Ying-An

that's a very apt description of being in the zone.

a feeling that you spend a lifetime trying to acheive.
the harder you try..the further you are from it.
if you had it once..you want it again.
it's a moment of clarity..
a moment where you are nothing less and nothing more than in perfect balance.
let go and be in control..

ranting space

it's not who we are inside..it's what we do that defines us.
-Batman Begins

people only see what we do. most people don't give a damn about why..or who you are inside, behind the thigns you do. you are judged and measured by what you acheived or failed to acheived. not by what you aspire to. it's abit sad..but that's the way things are.

we all have dreams. some are uncontrollable..some are attainable. to reach out. to try and give your very best..that's all you can do. if you fail even to do that. then your dream will forever be just a dream.

burn. let yourself burn over your desires..!!

stars that burn twice as bright..burn half as long.
-Magic Card..forgot which.

in a flash of brillance..it dwindles into nothingness. lives..a moment in time.
cherish this moment where you are given a chance to shine.

heart

it's all heart. <3

Chinese New Year

this year is out of the ordinary.

no relatives came over. peace and quiet the entire day at home. then went out to eat with friend.

perhaps everyone stopped pretending. perhaps everyone decided what's valuable to them.

slighlty amused. slightly disappointed.

oh well..not that it matters much.

Wish every one a healthy and fulfilling year ahead!

lamb

Happy Chinese New Year!

came across these two poems..made me thoughtful.

the lamb
from Songs of Innocence

little lamb who made thee
dost thou know who made thee
gave thee life & bid thee feed.
by the stream &amp; o'er the mead;
gave thee clothing of delight,
softest clothing wooly bright;
gave thee such a tender voice,
making all the vales rejoice:
little lamb who made thee
dost thou know who made thee

little lamb i'll tell thee,
little lamb i'll tell thee:
He is called by thy name,
for He calls himself a Lamb:
He is meek & he is mild,
He became a little child:
i a child & thou a lamb,
we are called by his name.
little lamb God bless thee.
little lamb God bless thee.

the tyger
from Songs of Experience

tyger tyger. burning bright,
in the forests of the night:
what immortal hand or eye,
could frame thy fearful symmetry?

in what distant deeps or skies.
burnt the fire of thine eyes!
on what wings dare he aspire!
what the hand, dare sieze the fire?

and what shoulder, & what art,
could twist the sinews of thy heart?
and when thy heart began to beat,
what dread hand? & what dread feet?
what the hammer? what the chain,
in what furnace was thy brain?
what the anvil? what dread grasp,
dare its deadly terrors clasp!

when the stars threw down their spears
and water'd heaven with their tears:
did He smile his work to see?
did He who made the Lamb, make thee?
tyger, tyger burning bright,
in the forests of the night:
what immortal hand or eye,
aare frame thy fearful symmetry?

both are from William Blake.

return of the archer

back..

trip was good overall. pretty happy mostly. shooting like shit for some parts and for some parts like super good. got to work it out..what's the problem..?!

Lord, i am lost.

the spirit is willing..but the flesh is weak..

long white arms
losing their strength and form
sixty year man on twenty year old skin
skeleton, your eyes have lost their warmth
look to your father for some support

oh maybe next time
you'll be henry the 8th
wake up tomorrow, alexander the great
open your eyes in a new life again
oh maybe next time
you'll be given a chance

-Annie Lennox, Herbie Hancock

trip again

this time i hope it's less stressful.

expectations unmet. disappointed and moody. things are not going as well as i hoped. but that's life. everything have a reason..though it is probably not apparent to us while we are in the situation.

feeling useless these days. my own life messed up. others don't need me..they can get along fine without this coach ken. i used to feel..good and powerful and worthy of my life..now..i just feel that i am wasting my life. i need to do something to pay for my time here.. to show that my life is not wasted. that i deserve my blessings.

somewhat..not right. but that's the way i feel now. baka.

anyway..trip to bangkok for a shoot. this time i am shooting. though i am severly unprepared..just shoot la. what to do..?! oh well.. with friends and good friends..hope this will be a fun trip..though i am not really in the mood for fun.

days go by i'm hypnotized
i'm walking on a wire
i close my eyes and fly out of my mind
into the fire
light the sky and hold on tight
the world is burning down
-Shawn Colvin

dance

lots of situation to apply SPR.

irritating. pissed. angry.

but thanks to all my friends..i am not fuming or doing stupid things. i shall not name anyone here. but you all know who you all are. =)

thank you all. i will keep my faith and carry on dancing to my tune.

i hope i am at least as good a friend as you are to me.

i hope you never lose your sense of wonder
you get your fill to eat
but always keep that hunger
may you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
i hope you still feel small
when you stand bwside the ocean
whenever one door closes, i hope one more opens
promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
i hope you dance
i hope you dance

i hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
never settle for the path of least resistance
living might mean taking chances
but they're worth taking
loving might be a mistake
but it's worth making
don't let some hell bent heart
leave you bitter
when you come close to selling out
reconsider
give the heavens above
more than just a passing glance

and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
i hope you dance
(time is a real and constant motion always)
i hope you dance
(rolling us along)
i hope you dance
(tell me who)
i hope you dance
(wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(where those years have gone)

i hope you still feel small
when you stand beside the ocean
whenever one door closes, i hope one more opens
promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
dance
i hope you dance
i hope you dance
(time is a real and constant motion always)
i hope you dance
(rolling us along)
i hope you dance
(tell me who)
(wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
i hope you dance
(where those years have gone)
(tell me who)
i hope you dance
(wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(where those years have gone)
-Lee Ann Womack

recovered

thanks to all my friends who were around to listen to my rants and talked to me.

without you people i would have decided otherwise.

am determined to continue my passion. to give it up would be to give up my dreams, my passion, to bluff myself and also to give up on others who would be needing my help.

it hurts me sometimes. but it'll make my resolve stronger.

faith > trust > believe > knowledge

faith? you have? i do.
thank you, Lord.

nothing

everything that i cherish is gone.

i don't want to try anymore.

thank you for the ride.

angry and disappointed does not even scratch the surface.

i never thought it'll be like this.

i wanted more. i did all i could. in the end it doesn't matter.

this is more than i can take. i lost.

sorry.

in the end

it all for nothing.

done so much. for so long. and now it's still fucked up.

why? because people are fucked up. humans..being inhuman and stupid. they are born stupid. what to do. all they care about is themselves and what they can get. who gives a damn about people being happy.

they are in power they abuse. they are not in power they complain. wtf people. push me a little more..i'll go out with a bang. i'll take all you arseholes with me. i got nothing to lose. all i got is myself. want to play? let's dance.

why do i hang on still? simply for a dream. this dream is a nightmare. lost so much and still i hang on. i can hang on still. for dreams. mine as well as others. but will i?

i don't know. i don't want to think. my mind is all filled with anger and thoughts of quitting everything related to it. but that'll only show that i lost. i lost to people. not even opponents. lost to own singaporeans. who are fucked up and ruining the sport. that's why i hang on. to make things better for others. in the process i die.

not enough.

rain

nice weather these few days.

cool temperatures and slight drizzle(mostly). it's cooling and not really wet. nice for resting and contemplating. but too bad i'm stuck in a seminar. it won't be so bad, if the seminar don't have inane people asking inane quetions.

i guess they are not as experienced and may not have the knowledge. BUT for goodness sake it's a LEVEL 2 course. if you are not at the level, WTH are you doing there?!?! STOP WASTING MY TIME..!!

am less tolerarnt, for i am actually in a rough spot. some stuff are just bad in life right now. trying to stay happy and go through it without prejudice. tough.

cold. cold rain.

when i look into your eyes
i can see a love restrained
but darling when i hold you
don't you know i feel the same
cause nothing lasts forever
and we both know hearts can change
and it's hard to hold a candle
in the cold november rain

we've been through this such a long long time
just trying to kill the pain
but lovers always come and lovers always go
an no one's really sure who's letting go today
walking away
if we could take the time to lay it on the line
i could rest my head
just knowing that you were mine
all mine
so if you want to love me
then darling don't refrain
or i'll just end up walking
in the cold november rain

do you need some time...on your own
do you need some time...all alone
everybody needs some time...on their own
don't you know you need some time...all alone

i know it's hard to keep an open heart
when even friends seem out to harm you
but if you could heal a broken heart
wouldn't time be out to charm you

sometimes i need some time...on my own
sometimes i need some time...all alone
everybody needs some time...on their own
don't you know you need some time...all alone

and when your fears subside
and shadows still remain, oh yeah
i know that you can love me
when there's no one left to blame
so never mind the darkness
we still can find a way
cause nothing lasts forever
even cold november rain

don't you think that you need somebody
don't you think that you need someone
everybody needs somebody
you're not the only one
you're not the only one
-Guns 'n' Roses

darn mood

foul mood. depression. i know it all too well.

damn it's here again.

no mood to play anything. to do anything. all i want to do is to stone and waste time. to wallow in this depressed state. music helps non. books help non. people help non.

in this weak state of mind. i am ashamed to face God.

i brought this upon myself. i asked for it.

i want help. but no idea what will actually help.

screw it.

things to do. have to do. no matter how bad i feel. i still must do what i do. coach ken.

save a few tears..you'll need them again.

i am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all adds up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high and like icarus i collide
with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die
-Jars of Clay

readiness

went to s@@ Dr William Tan at TP yesternight. he was trying to break a world record for hand paddling.

must say i was disappointed.

expected to s@@ someone eager for the challenge and all preped and hot wired. all lights green and ready to rock 'n' roll.

what i saw of him was an unprepared athlete. he was on a running track, different from the road that the world record was set by. that put him in great disadvantage. at around 0200, when i was there, about 1/4 throught the 24hours, he was already tired and voicing it out. this i must say i am an outsider. maybe he works by voicing it out. but i felt that it just shows his mental readiness. which i felt was lacking.

but that's me thinking. even though the road is tough..literally. he completed the 24 hours. which is more than what i can imagine myself doing. kudos to him and his will power for the 24 hours feat.

certainly a tough guy. could have done better i felt..needed more planning and perhaps more training.

every failure shows our weakness. if we work to eliminate it, we become better persons.

i know i am not really ready..but time doesn't allow me to wait longer. i just got to do what i can. will i ever be ready? i don't know. and don't need to know. all i need to know is that i must do it. whenever time comes for it.

i do.
i will.
i must.

let whatever comes. i am ken.

AD2006

it's a new year on the calander.

hope it brings more peace and joy to everyone. 2005 have been quite a sad year for the world i feel. natural disasters and human stupidities all over the world. i really pray that things get better.

just got back from chalet with people. some great friends there and had plenty of fun..=)

one kind of rice, feeds many kinds of people.

there's some people i don't like..but that's me and my prejudices. doesn't matter to them. oh well..(SPR applies)

getting on the new phase of life soon..excited and scared.

God, grant me the strength and courage to do what i need to do.
Grant me the wisdom to do what is right and good.
Most importantly, my Lord, keep my family and friends safe and well.

transitions

year go..and year come..

i usually don't attribute such importance to date and calanders and such. but since i will start on a different aim soon after the year flip over, i guess it have some significance.

this year have been quite an experience. did lots of different stuff. went to different places. seen different things and met lots of new people. clearer about stuff now. and happier, mostly.=)

the most important thing..? people. i got good people to go through this part of life with.

hope i am as dear to you(s), as you are dear to me.

coming year..i hope i can get closer to my dream. i will certainly do my best. lots of stuff to juggle..but i'll take it as it comes. excited about coming days and months.

days have change for the better these days. i am glad..even though i am busy and bogged down by stuffs. i know i have become a better person and been as good as circumstances have allowed me to be. been wiser..i hope. =)

more challenges and opportunities..

Hail to the new Year..!!

psychic!

lamp post

who cares about the darkness within the lamp post? everyone care only about the light that it gives out.

after i saved you. all you had for me are a few hellos and some good byes. well done. i'll see you in hell.

ain't telling

no one will know. since no one can.

no one can truely know how another sees things and think about stuff and all that. so that's why you will never understand what i am doing. and more importantly..why.

cause i ain't telling.

trust my feelings and follow my heart.

Holiday seasons

To all,

Wish you all have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year ahead.
May your dreams come true and your days be glad.

God bless and be well.=)

Spread the love.

brainy shit

Ken, your Super IQ score is 133

Your overall intelligence quotient is the result of a scientifically-tested formula based on how many questions you answered correctly. But it's only part of what we learned about you from your answers on the test. We also determined the way you process information.

The way you think about things makes you an Imaginative Mastermind. This means you are an extremely talented person, with a wide range of skills. There is little to nothing you can't do if you want to. You're very creative and you can express your ideas effectively through a variety of different means whether it's written or spoken words, numbers, or anything else. You also have a practical knowledge of how things work in the world — you've been paying attention and you pick things up easily.

How did we determine that your thinking style is that of an Imaginative Mastermind? When we examined your test results further, we analyzed how you scored on 8 dimensions of intelligence: spatial, organizational, abstract reasoning, logical, mechanical, verbal, visual and numerical. The 3 dimensions you scored highest on combine to make you an Imaginative Mastermind. Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities.

Ken, you are Right-brained

Most right-brained people like you are flexible in many realms of their lives. Whether picking up on the nuances of musical concerto, appreciating the subtle details in a work of art, or seeing the world from a different perspective, right-brained people are creative, imaginative, and attuned to their surroundings.

People probably see your thinking process as boundless, and that might translate to your physical surroundings as well. Some people think of you as messier than others. It's not that you're disorganized, it's just that you might use different systems to organize (by theme, by subject, by color). Straight alphabetization and rigidly ordered folders are not typical of right-brained behavior.

You are also more intuitive than many. When it comes to reading literature, you probably prefer creative writing or fiction over nonfiction. And when it comes to doing math, you might find you enjoy geometry more than other forms like algebra.

goes on..

oft times in life, we do not have a choice what happens to us.

things happen, others make decisions..and we just have to go along. the alternative is costly, too extreme or virtually impossible.

the road is laid in front of our feet with fences on the sides. to divert from the road is difficult and maybe even dangerous. what can we realistically do?

of course there are choices..just at what cost and what are the possible and probable returns?

choices..that's what it's all about. risks and returns.

limit break

been busy and thinking about what's next in life for me.

i have been given choices next year. one road will bring me closer to my dream and required darn hard work and alot of commitment. the other will let me go ahead in life more normally and help other acheive their dreams and will also let me live modern life easier.

one is to shoot competitively and try again, since i have done well to recover from my injury and retune my form.
the other is to continue being a TM and learn to do it better and handle my teams better and do my best for them to acheive.

the road not taken
two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry i could not travel both
and be one traveler, long i stood
and looked down one as far as i could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim,
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
though as for that the passing there
had worn them really about the same,

and both that morning equally lay
in leaves no step had trodden black.
oh, i kept the first for another day!
yet knowing how way leads on to way,
i doubted if i should ever come back.

i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and i—
i took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

still undecided how and what to do. will talk to people i trust to ask for opinion and decide after i done what i need to do to end this year's events.

suddenly was struck by the term limit break. i believe many knows it from FF7. where you get hit enough times and then you have a counter bar that fills up. once it fills up you can execute a devasting attack(usually). perhaps i think too much..but what i thought of was 'how does it work in real life?'

conjectured that, it's like a personal limit/tolerance. that physical attack might anger you enough to cause you to want to attack back regardless of the cost. emotionally and mentally there will also be such limits, where people might pass and become berserk, become permanently mad, be ragingly mad, be overcomed with grief or such. sOo..this limit break thing is taking this being attacked till go into rage as example to add another dimension to the game play.

and thinking that led me to think about why some people do things..like stealing, murder and such normally undesirable actions. they probably reached their limit for somethings, maybe emotionally or mentally or even physically abused till their limit is broken, then part of them breaks. and they are changed somehow..for some the damage is permanent. these people are pushed beyond their limit till they do something regardless of the consequence of their actions.

that concept is very powerful. why? because it let you do what you want to do to your maximum effort, without distractions and worries. it is no doubt dangerous, but when you let yourself do something regardless of consequence, you can acheive great things. like you do something that society are tabooed against, like cloning? or you do something that normally people won't do..like many scientist who researched weird stuff, philosophers who wondered about things beyond normal citizens, like heros who did what was right, with no regard for the consequence. they pushed on and lived their dream and did what they knew was right, knowing that they may be outcast forever. they did what they did and we are living the fruits now.

thinking about my dream and what it means to me. i cannot let go, but might take it slowly. might. i might just live it while i can and persue what my heart tells me to.

everyone have dreams. do you dare to live it?

more to go

this past weekend have been mostly great. mostly.

TP archers rocked them joints. except for the team event. we'll get them yet! fret not, my friends..hehe..=>

RJ archers did alright. except kim, who did great! they need to be more focused, or they'll always be just about like this.

kim. don't worry about losing to that 'cheat'..your time will come. stay the course and be brave.

personally, my best shoot in years. individual ranking bronze and team gold. first time in years to get a individual medal. but still the KO round to work on. and also most of the other archers are not here, else i might not be ranked sOo high. what i am realy glad is that i did my best..every end, every shot, my mind is in it.

let me do all i can and be brave. whatever the outcome, let no one say i did not do my best.

more to come..i'll do more and train to improve and be better. my friends, let us work, let us train.. ..

FOR DREAMS..!!

i am..?

You are VINCENT. Remember to clean the cobwebs off
your coffin once in a while- first impressions
are lasting!

What Final Fantasy VII character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

somewhat true..but yet not really already. i think.. ..heh.

back

tired and i don't really want to talk abot it.

God bless..

lazy archers are NEVER lucky. will NEVER be lucky.

off again.

one last time this year..

i done all i remembered to do and know how. i hope that's all. i hope it's enough.

leaving at 0945 today. coming back on the 5th SQ73..should reach SG around 1745.

i'll miss you. all of you.

final stage

for this year.

23rd SEA Games Manila.

28th Nov 05 - 4th Dec 05

www.2005seagames.com.ph

Subic Bay Freeport Zone

Archery

Team Singapore..we ARE READY!!

Let no one say, we did not do our best.

some fun

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical
world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help
others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

The Four types of Idealists are:

Healers (INFP) Counselors (INFJ) Champions (ENFP) Teachers (ENFJ)

i am an idealist-counselor. hah. who is a low ranked nerd. =)

海阔天空

今天我　寒夜裡看雪飄過
懷著冷卻了的心窩漂遠方
風雨裡追趕　霧裡分不清影蹤
天空海闊你與我　可會變〔誰沒在變〕

多少次　迎著冷眼與嘲笑
從沒有放棄過心中的理想
一剎那恍惚　若有所失的感覺
不知不覺已變淡　心裡愛〔誰明白我〕

原諒我這一生不羈放縱愛自由
也會怕有一天會跌倒
背棄了理想　誰人都可以
那會怕有一天只你共我

仍然自由自我　永遠高唱我歌　走遍千里

背棄了理想　誰人都可以
那會怕有一天只你共我

-BEYOND 曲︰黃家駒 詞︰黃家駒

只想到最后有这感觉..
为了海阔天空, 而没放弃理想..

grasping air

when things are lost and gone..what do you do?

nothing. there's nothing you can do..really.

we all will..rather should feel sad, about loss of something, someone precious in our lives. things and persons you truely love and enjoy being with. you spent time with and shared dreams and maybe rely on. things or people you are close to. things you do not want to go away from you. to ever disappear from your life. to be with you to share your life with. your joys and woes. your ups and downs.

but when such a thing is taken from you. either physically or emotionally. unable to reciprocate the feeling or to work for you anymore. no longer having the same closeness. no longer able to always be there as and when you want it to. no more moments where you share that no one else can understand.

this hurt, i know. i went through a loss as such. magnitude so huge i thought i would just die. but, in fact, some part of us dies when such happens. a chunk of your life is removed. parts of your dreams are dead. some pasts altered, some future never ever.

what can anyone do? nothing. life deals the cards, we just play. we hang on. we carry on.

life's a cruel sadistic bitch sometimes.

what can be done is to search for new things, new meaning to fill the part that it was suppose to be at. there can be no replacement..but one must look forward to new things possible, when the old is no longer possible. when one dwells on the past and what it could have been, then one forgets that when one thing ends, it makes time and space for the beginning of another.

of course it is not easy to hang on and move on! you life changed! how can it be easy?!? your dreams shattered and your hopes dashed..!! only your memories left. with no more new events to fill in. a part of your life dies..a future possible become naught. how can it be easy??

but to dwell on it. at something you know is lost. though natural somewhat and ineviatably tempting to continue dreaming about a past, a future that's not possible.

only grasping air with bare hands..

ken?

Your Type is INFP
Introverted 44
Intuitive 75
Feeling 25
Perceiving 11

INFP type description by D.Keirsey
INFP type description by J. Butt

Qualitative analysis of your type formula You are:
moderately expressed introvert
distinctively expressed intuitive personality
moderately expressed feeling personality
slightly expressed perceiving personality

sicked

recovered mostly..now left with dry cough..*ahem*

sick but cannot take rest..stil lmust run here and there..do this and that. but luckily nowadays less things to do in a way..just need to prepare for the trip.

the trip.

quite stressed up. i could screw up then i'll be responsible. that's why i am extra careful and doing all i can to make sure everything is ok. it's all mental. my first games..and SSC people say it's the worst games so far.. best liao lor..

life in other areas are pretty good. good friends. good work so far. quite happy.=)

my room is very messy..like my mind.

原諒我這一生不羈放縱愛自由
也會怕有一天會跌倒
背棄了理想　誰人都可以
那會怕有一天只你共我

仍然自由自我　永遠高唱我歌　走遍千里
-Beyond

void

feels pretty empty in my life now.

things are alright. friends are still fun and cool. work is work. shooting improving. life grade = 5/10.

am i asking for too much? expecting too much?

just feel normal. nothing special. quite tired and busy..but gotten quite used to it. will settle things as they come and do what i can. that's all i can do.

don't tell God, how big your problems are.
Tell your problems, how big your God is.

who?me?

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

space for rant

not been myself since about last week..some days before my birthday.

this year seems to be hitting me hard. guess lots of new things in my life and lots of dissatisfaction about stuff. people. people. people.

i love you. but i am not in love.

all of you..i do. but just ken..only ken. and that's not really good enough.

no idea why..but it's like a painful week so far. nothing wrong..nothing bad..nothing out of the ordinary. i just seem to be angry, pissed and sad. all the bad moods. sometimes hitting a 0/10. that's where i mark it as, ken wants to crush things/or go hide somewhere.

i want to know why. i have a out of the world guess. which even i am not ready to accept. but that aside. really i have no idea why.

even today..suddenly i just feel baka.

been busy with SNOC, SSC, AAS and all sort of acronyms that cause me pain to deal with. always give me late things to do. always give me overdue things to catch up. and they don't cooperate. not within themselves or with each other. really really..WTH

hope things get better..or i'll be no longer the ken that even i know of..

i want to be who i want to be..and that's ken.

06112005

eventful i must say.

hanged out at monica's place since last night with a bunch of TP archers..watched russell peters, taxi, went for supper then played monopoly. at somewhere midnight they gave me by presents..a card and a baseball bat. hah.

then slept till about 1000, then went TM for brunch. then home for a short break. ripped hancock into mp3. really GREAT music. jazzy..funk..junk.!!haha..nope..it's really nice.

then went down to city hall area walk around..chill..music in my ears, feet on road..just walk. i like that feeling. after awhile jia and heidi found me..so we just hanged out and did nothing till dinner.

dinner at marche..again..i like the food..sOo..there. they gave me some picture thingy which is quite cute but i would rather they not spend the money. i don't need or want such stuff. but thanks alot folks. for trying to hang out..even though i wanted to escape.

then nothing. took bus with heidi then stopped at airport to chill. cold, little noise and i have good music. great combo for stoning. then monica came..did nothing..then sent me home.

thanks alot everyone. i know you all care. sorry that i am moody. i am just weird like that. please don't spend money next time.

updates

life's been busy these days.

lots to do. lots do worry and think about. and lots of other stuff on my mind as well.

as the date get closer, the tension in me seems to mount. things must be done quick and precise. everything must be done, else we might fail. perhaps i am putting myself through to omuch stress. but it seems to me that it hangs by a thread, a thread that i am part of. but a single strand, nonetheless important to hold on. perhaps i overstate my importance.

been hanging out more with people. staying happy.=)

love all you folks around.

sOo..such is life. coaching. working. hanging. pretty good.

but still a missing something. nothing i can do about now i suppose. or rather nothing i know to do that i think will make it better.

my heart is still empty in that spot..will it ever be filled..i wonder.

that which redeems

what can i do?

redemption..is over rated.

tears in the darkness.

to 'make things right'.

coming to this world day

my day?

personally i still don't see the point of celebrating birthdays. i feel it's just another day. cause time is just a concept..a convenience to make things easier to keep track. there isn't any markers or steps in time. it's us who put days and months and weeks to keep things within our abilities to comprehend.

sOo..my birthday is actually Earth time 1980AD 06th November, by Human reckoning.

something like that..hah. by actual time, that the world started..inconceivable to us mere humans.

and actually even if i do celebrate the day that i came to this world as a complete human. i would celebrate my mom. cause it's her who was instrumental to my physical existance. i do give her a big hug on my birthdays. and when i can i do bring her out to a meal on my birthday. SOo..i guess not too bad..i guess.

there are many things i want in life, and non of them can be given to me by someone else. they are mostly things i must achieve or something i cannot control. sad..in a way..to me.

i want. . .

there are things that can be bought i guess, like a laptop, hah, a big house with all kinds of weird shit that i want.. a BMW 530i, a sniper rifle and a range to shoot in, and all sorts of weird items for me to make weird items out of.

impractical things from a deranged mind.

humor?

Seven[7] things that will scare me...
-God
-losing control of myself
-forced to do something that i know i will regret

Seven[7] things that I like most...
-archery
-friends
-family
-my bow and other archery equipment
-staying calm
-games that challenges oneself
-challenging people's comfort zones

Seven[7] most important things in my room...
-archery equipments
-books
-computer, for communications, music and games
-bolster=)

Seven[7] random facts about me...
-i am messy. very
-i am very different when you catch me alone
-overcame alot of personal, irrational prejudices regarding alot of things
-am a big tight-ass regarding alot of things
-doesn't care much about myself
-feels old
-thinks that life is too short

Seven[7] things that i can do...
-archery
-make people wish they never even heard of me
-eat alot when in the mood(4bowls of rice followed by and earthquake)
-heal faster than average
-bend my fingers into weird positions, finger only
-go into a rage when i am in pain, physical or otherwise(don't tempt my wrath)
-take care of people well..i think.=)

Seven[7] things that i can't do...
-sing, singapore's storms are mostly caused by me
-play any musical instruments. very sad
-stand clever idiots
-forgive myself
-do enough to help others and myself

Seven[7] phrases that i say the most...
-*changes too fast*

Seven[7] celebrity crush...
-*wth you talking about?i dont even watch tv. and i don't give a damn.*

Seven[7] peeps that i love to see them do this quiz...
-you
-you
-you
-you
-you
-you
-you

weird shit. damn i'm too free. yes, not all have seven things..cause i cannot think of anymore. if you think i have more..let me know.=)

holding on

to..?

what can we really hold on to? i really wonder. thoughts are slightly confused, but i'll try to express what i feel as properly as i can.

people around us. how can we hold on to them? they got their own lives and own other things to do. i mean we all want to share time with someone else, maybe someone special, but what it all boils down to, is that everyone got their own lives to lead. even in marriage, each got a part to play, you cannot be spending 24/7 together and stay very sane i think.

and also, people die. we all must go sometime. and anytime. it's not up to any of us. when we go, we go. can you hold on to anything?

and lastly about people, sometimes it's like grasping sand. the more you try to hold, the more will slip away. perception and emotions and moods and all that. sometimes it feel like the more time you try to get together with someone, the worse the feeling becomes. and the less value the time becomes too. isn't it kind of weird. but yet makes sense..i think.

less time == time valuable.
many time == time less valuable in relation to above.
true? for most i would say true. most.

other than people around us that we have trouble holding on to, physical objects are totally not even a consideration. as they are objects and are simply too flimsy to give too much damn about. they spoil, they break, they get stolen, they simply screw up.

sOo..to me, it's like cherish things you have around now. but don't expect them to stay. things change, don't be holding on till you are hurt.

have, good.
don't have, oh well, was nice having it.

that's what i think anyway. live in the now..love what you have, and who you have.

be present to live your life, now.

another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
so make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
it's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

so take the photographs, and still frames in your mind.
hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
for what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
i hope you had the time of your life.
-Greenday