holding on

had a great weekend.

good friends.
good games.
good days.
good time.
=)

had sometime to think about stuff on bus back, since i forgotten to charge my mp3 player. about holding on to stuff..people..

i guess at some point of time in our brief lives, there would be people who leave us. and we are hurt and lost and damned(that's how we feel at that time, anyway). then our days are like nights and nights are still like nights. time seem a blur and all we feel is numbness or pain.

it's during times like this that our memories are like the commercials that we hate most. always playing the most hurtful parts and the also nicest parts..tempting our regret and stealing our sanity. our mind have taken leave and our body left on it's own, refuse to play its part. food taste like rocks and water like sand. body numb and sleep elusive.

after some days like this..slowly things go back to normal. life beckons. how long can one stay dead while being alive? i have no idea and hope i don't get another chance to try. it is then that we are merely surviving. not really alive. cause we are still holding on.

to memories. to hope. to anything that we can. unconsicously. we may simply hope to let go and start afresh and make up for lost time. but deep down we are still living the past and unable to walk on. so much were share and "blahblahblah.. .. .."

from experiencing my own recovery and talking and knowing people around me. i have come to this question.

if you say you love somebody and only want to best for them, want them to be happy. yet you hold on..unable to let them be. to let them go, in body as in mind. to allow them space to live, to make mistakes and to be a person without you. to simply let go of the need to make them happy. where is the line? the line that it's about them or it's about you?

is it to satisfy yourself? or to know they are happy or simply ok?no one can forever be happy..it would become meaningless. and everyone makes mistakes and have problems.

i asked myself this regarding people in my life. and i guess only recently that i can truthfully say that as long as they are generally happy and living their lives, i'm glad for them. ask me 3..4 months ago and i would have answered otherwise, maybe. it would have been i want to know they are happy. if i have truely let go of them from my life..why do i have to know that they are happy? as friends go, problems to share, ok..help and talk and ask. not dig and dig and dig, what are you unhappy about..nitpicking nitpicking.

that somehow seems narcissistic and hypocritical. but hey, that's me thinking. sOo..i guess for me, to let go of somebody like this is to mean leaving the person to be who they are. to live and make mistakes and handle problems..hopefully with me on the sideline as a friend.

smiles.
do what needs to be done and enjoy life as it is given.

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
-Sarah Mclachlan, Angel