primal fear

deep, dark fear..

what do you fear the most? lack of attention? attention from the wrong kind of person? doing badly? living a life of unfulfilled dreams? fear..it grips us in it's chilling grip and drains our strength. makes us tremble at nothing but our own imagination. how many of us actually have no fear?

fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. and hate leads to suffering.

when we are angry most of the time it's due to fear. fear that someone cheated us. fear that we are not good enough. our fear makes us aggressive. this aggressiveness cause us to be angry at others or ourselves. and when we are angry we do stupid things. like throw phones. like bash things. like say mean things we don't mean to say. and that leads eventually to suffering.

no idea what this post is about. was angry which led me to think why was i angry. angry that others don't appreciate the things i did, i do. that my efforts was wasted. but that's out of my control already, something that i cannot change or control. no point being angry. so now i am no longer angry. just disappointed and tired.

things that comes easy are not treasured. only when they are gotten at a price and was fought for do people realise the worth of things. then again worth of things are matter of perspectives. oh well..

life is short. realisation when i first heard my good friend in secondary school past away few years back. seems like yesterday when we were out cycling and working and generally having fun. in this short span, at my age, i already know of a few school mates and friends who have passed on..and my cousin passed on just 2 weeks ago..cancer. he was 4?5? i don't even know him well..i really wanted to s@@ him next year when i go visit..wished i did this year..somehow it's disturbing. somehow it's comforting. i am not psychotic..yet..i know he is released from this torment called life.

the helplessness of efforts in life when measured against death. silient lord. takes us home.

the smallness of humans and our wars and money and computers and nuclear shit. 'advances' to kill ourselves faster.

every moment we live, we are dying. comtemplate that. are you living?

moments of joy and happiness. when our goals are acheived. when folks around us are happy and joyous. when our loved ones are well. that's what''s worth living for. what does your life meant to you? what do you live your life for? the small joy everyday that your family is well? the little things that makes our lives as it is. every up and down makes our life full. only when we do fall are we truely able to understand the joy of being lifted.

even the pause in a piece of music completes it. how do you live your life?

weird post again. guess i am in quite a somber mood. shot well today. best in months. good form, just abit weak. will train up and should be good. but moody. feel tired. tired of doing things for others. wondering why don't i love myself more. why don't i take care of myself more. know that i find myself unworthy. unworthy of blessings. unworthy of attention. yet i crave for it. how ironic. how damning.

fighting myself again. still learning to appreciate myself. trying to be at ease with who i am.

so many things not in my control. though i try..i can only guess at the results of my efforts. i wish..i hope..i will still go on..

our fight may be tough. but it's for our dreams. it's easy to love to win. but how many can love the battle..the fight..the challenge..the times when you fell and stood again..are you ready to be a champion? your own champion in your own life. you decide.

champion-ken
my life. me.

'lord knows, dreams are hard to follow..
but don't let anyone tear them away.
hold on, there will be tomorrow..
in time..you'll find the way.'-Mariah Carey