journey without purpose..other than the journey itself.
took a walk around places. just walked around and go where i felt like going. no music in my ears. nothing holding me back or calling me home. walk around..listening to the sounds and looking at the sights.
went esplanade, stopped half way to s@@ people doing break-dancing and sitting around doing nothing..some people studying..some people just hanging around. probably contemplating some life changing stuff..then again..maybe not.
walked to the second-world war memorial for the civilians who suffered under the japanese occupation. as i got close to it, i felt a tinge of sadness. the looming pillars and the urn in the center. the slight drizzle and the surrounding buildings. there were some tourist taking pictures. i wonder if they felt the sadness i felt, the meaning of the monument.
then went to esplanade itself. wanted to go up to the roof terrence. but cause of the rain no one is allowed there. walked around esplanade. the library makes me want to go there to chill out, to read a book, to learn new things. time doesn't allow me now. but i will start learning things and reading soon..when things are more settled. so many interesting things there. people, displays, music, stores..but there is only so many times you can walk around an area so small and still stay interested in everything. 'the only limitation is that of vision.'-(i forgot who, will fill in when i s@@ again.)
then went to suntec to take a bus home. so many people went to the motor show and came out with their big bags. and most of them look too young to even be legal age to drive. trip home was uneventful.
reached home, went online, chatted for awhile then cartel called to ask me to help fix computer. went to help. spent hours fixing and updating and setting it so it should have less problemos.. chatted with the main manager and the operation manager, they are quite fun people i guess, but f&b people always have a few faces. anyway, not my problem. i do my job, try to help. things get ugly, leave. not as if got high pay or anything holding me back. they treated me to pizzahut for fixing the stuff. pretty good. had fun there. one waitress, probably new, got traumatized by us the three experienced f&b personells. kept asking her for things and she don't know what to do. oh well. probably why i have accidente.
when i was cycling home, forgot about a chain in between poles at a junction..cycled straight into it. at about 50km/h. flew and got cuts and bruised. damn pain. cannot walk for long minutes. and as expected from singaporean. no one came forward to s@@ if i needed help. just walking past and staring. oh well..slowly sat down to check myself for more injuries. slowly got up to walk again. slowly sat down again as i felt dizzy. slowly sat up and walked again. slowly cycled back home. no one noticed i was hurt at home.
there's my day. my first day of slacking in a few weeks.
not really feeling better. no idea about alot of stuff still. but i know things will get better. all i have to do is keep trying. keeping the faith i have in myself, in what i am doing. sis called yesternight. bro smsed her telling her to talk to me cause i seem to have problems. still, after so many years, my 'family' knows me best. they know the problems i face without asking. they know what i need and why. they know me better than myself. thing is nothing i can do about the problems i face. the ball is not on my court, unless i stop caring altogether. even though sometimes i wish i can, i know i cannot. i care too much for my own good. really? i don't know man. i'll just be myself and hope for the best.
SAFSA competition on saturday. did alright. had fun. but was totally drained. mentally and emotionally. so many things i drag along. don't know how to let go. but after the past two days, letting things out, letting me break down, things seem better, if just abit distant. will be alright again soon. i know me. will fall but don't stay down for long.
so there's my life these few days. still the same, yet slightly different. oh well. come what may, i'll be me still. i still care. i still will do what i do.
still-ken
same ken. again.
'all day staring at the ceiling,
making friends with shadows on my wall.
all night hearing voices telling me,
that I should get some sleep,
because tomorrow might be good or something..'-Matchbox Twenty
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