between heaven and hell

in between extremes.

no idea what to do. what to feel. and i mean about everything in my life. don't know to shoot not. go where to shoot. why. now. what to eat. what to wear. everything. no needs. no wants. nothing. what am i to do? i feel as if i am waiting for something to happen. but what? it's like should be fine but i am not. if i think about my problems should be in VERY bad state. but i am not.

did not post anything the last entry. wanted to put something. wanted to express myself. realise that i have nothing to say. or rather no idea what to put out. many thoughts? or no thoughts? no idea. what a mess. or is there no mess? haha.. should think less and do more. but do what?

my job is done. a job well done. did well to get people where they want to go. helped people. gave people a chance at a better tomorrow in certain aspects of their lives. now i got not much to do. only my own dream to chase. i should be doing that. but i feel the emptiness. the pointlessness.

i have to get going. get myself going. get my dreams on the way. i can do it. need something to kick start me. to get me going on the way. haha. i seem to need that once a week or so. i guess i have to get myself going.

very confused about myself now. don't know about myself. my dreams abit fuzzy now. people have more faith on me than me. i wish i feel that kind of confidence. i know that i can and i will. but i don't feel it. and that makes my effort more tiring and less rewarding. i'll just get on with it. hope for a better tomorrow.

can be worse. can be better. should be worse. yet also should be better. just being.

messed-ken
messy life. messy mind.

'you've come so far, don't throw it away. live believing, dreams are for weaving. wonders are waiting to start..'-Diana Ross