who knows what we go through?
we are all different. we have different joys and different pains. i was down and up and down again. why? i do not know. nothing's seriously wrong with my life. just feeling depressed. want to go on. but can't. something's holding me back. something lacking.
realise i really really like to hang out with someone. awesome friend? or something more? i don't really want to think about it. too far away. too far apart in many sense. i can understand her but no idea if she understands me. just happy being around and doing anything or nothing. spontaneous. not like joyous, just satisfied. guess i'll forever wonder how she feels. did fun things. did normal stuff. held her hand. held her. don't know how she feels. want to find out. yet. pointless. worlds apart. somewhere out there. and leaving on a jet plane.
confused. again. where do i go from here. step by step closer to my dream. but my life is lacking. i know now how it feels to be up there alone. not that i'm up there, just that can understand the feeling. the pointlessness when it all ends. my life have only two directions now, shoot and coach. will get a job soon. but that's to allow me to shoot. no idea what will come. don't really matter. i'll survive. i'll endure and i'll get there. with or without you. whoever you may be.
mad. going madder. haha. madder. are we not all mad? why do we live this sad existance? or am i the only sad one. and without reason as well. i know people care. my mom, my friends. but if i don't know what i am sad about. what can i do? facing life as usual. still doing what i do and doing it as i do. but inside, i'm crying. i'm dying. want to break down on my knees and cry. to weep in a gentle embrace.
wilting. fading. but i'll survive. like the flowers freezing in winter and blooming when spring arrives. i await my spring. when i can bloom and share the miracle of life.
stabbed-ken
stab, twist and yanked. empty wound. heartbreaks have no scars.
'so steal my heart and take the pain..wash the feet and cleanse my pride..take the selfish, take the weak..and all the things I cannot hide..take the beauty, take my tears..the sin-soaked heart and make it yours'-Jars of Clay
1 comment:
There is always someone else, someone else more important to you than me. Someone more special. Someone that makes you feel this way.
It is time.
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