person

who are you? and who do you want to be?

we can change. it have to be delibrate. you have to do it. and do it till it becomes part of you. habits can change. we are changing all the time. so take control of it and be who you want to be.

days are all very tiring. work out. work out shooting. coach. doing paper work. hrrk. no idea if i am getting anywhere. want to do more, but my body and mind have a limit. i'll do all that i can, and hope it's good. nothing else i can do.

cleared my mind about some stuff. cleared some stuff wth some people. so not too bad now. pretty flatlining at better than average. hope it stays..or get better..heh..

money settling down. timing not yet. let's s@@ if i can organise my life abit more.

sandman.. he comes..!!

'every time that i look in the mirror
all these lines on my face getting clearer
the past is gone
it went by like dusk to dawn
isn't that the way everybody's got their dues in life to pay

yeah, I know nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes
i know it's everybody's sin
you got to lose to know how to win

half my life's in books' written pages
live and learn from fools and from sages
you know it's true
all the things come back to you

sing with me, sing for the years
sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
sing with me, if it's just for today
maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

dream on, dream on, dream on,
dream yourself a dream come true
dream on, dream on, dream on,
and dream until your dream comes true
dream on...'-Aerosmith, Dream On

邊緣人

just in. nearly out.

not doing good enough. pretty frustrating. i train hard. i do what the coach says. and more. yet, i am not good enough. what am i to do?

still some time to do what i can. and i'll do what i can. all that i can.

don't know how i express how i feel. frustrated. angry. hopeful. hopeless. near tears already. what more must i do!??! want to scream out loud..but it's all in the head. keeping my cool and take it a step at a time. losing my lauguage to figure out what words to use properly to express myself. left with shooting form, mindset, coaching techniques, mental conditioning, target aquisition, feeling of good shots.....argh..going mad.

close. not really.

'so make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
it's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
i hope you had the time of your life.'-Greenday

challenged

time is running out. i feel it. everyday it puts more pressure. every moment tempting me to take the easy way.

i..i will follow my dream all the way.

pained. but i will not give up. yes, i am stubborn. i will do this. my most excellent.

i don't lack anything, except a chance. and now i have it. i'll take it and go all the way.

do you dare, take the path i am taking?

trudge

two steps forward, one step back.

progress is not easy. fighting hard for it and yet keep being disappointed.

nothing much to say. too tired.

filled with thoughts, though fleeting.
full of emotions, yet no words.
hopeful attempts, failure lures.
silient efforts, mindless tolls.

attempt but never to be reached.
in life as in sports.
dare.

it is in the attempt that we find ourselves better.
it is in daring that we find ourselves heores.
it is in loving we find ourselves doing what we thought we wouldn't.

all i am doing now is doing what i love. to reach as far as i can towards the impossible. perfection. in shooting. in coaching. in dealing with people.

if i err, please let me know.
if i fall, please pull me up.
if i fail, remember me fondly.

embrace failure as a step forward. pick myself up and go again.

'sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered
and there's nowhere to turn
you wonder how you keep going
think of all the things that really mattered
and the chances you've earned
the fire in your heart is growing
...
dare - dare to believe you can survive
you hold the future in your hand
dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
it's time to take a stand'-Stan Bush

climb

read a post on a friend's post..had something about redemption.

i wonder if i can ever redeem myself. in my own eyes, in eyes of those who know and in eyes of whoever/whatever will judge me when i die, if there's such an occurance. what constitutes redemption? how to pay for what? i don't know. all i know is that i am trying to be the best that i can be, as i was last time. and i make mistakes, i have blind spots, i stun soemtimes..but i never have anything but best of intentions. what does that count as? i am human, i err. if i am to be punished for whatever i done, so be it. however it may be.

today's shoot was fine. first round was average. second round climbed abit to my old average. team round did alright. got team gold. can feel the form, can feel my strength, can feel that i am improving. let's s@@ where it goes from here. lots of work to do, so let's do it. =)

who knows me? do i even? does it matter? in the end..we are just who we are, doing what we do.

as i walk on, i stand taller. but a shadow still haunts me. when will it be shown the light?

'黃︰滄海笑　滔滔兩岸潮
浮沉隨浪記今朝
徐︰蒼天笑　紛紛世上潮
誰負誰勝出天知曉
羅︰江山笑　煙雨遙
濤浪濤盡紅塵俗事知多少
合︰清風笑　竟惹寂寥
豪情還賸了一襟晚照
合︰蒼生笑　不再寂寥
豪情仍在痴痴笑笑' - 黃霑／羅大佑／徐克

out of ordinary

today is a weird day.

nothing to do the whole day. excercised, read news, played games, stretched...blah blah blah..cannot shoot and need the rest as well. so all in all..was quite free and left to my own devices. normally saturday is packed..morning, youth team, afternoon TP or national training. today everything was off. felt off. like missing something.

also the side effect was that i had too much time to think and ponder. not good. not happy. too many things to worry about. so i did what i could to take up time. not really working..but well here i am at the end of the day.

felt empty today. happy for some parts too. pissed at somethings as well. mixed up. thought of something to blog while having dinner..now forgotten.

messed up.

fuel

been a hectic week. grateful for it in many ways.

the indonesian coach who came as a guest coach taught alot of things. formwork, physical training methods, mental work and all that jazz. to me the most important thing he taught us is that to love shooting is one thing, to fight to win is totally another story. i guess i was shooting with passion but not passion wnough to WANT to win. to want to win is easy, but to want to work for it to ensure you are capable is another. may seem strange to people reading this..but those who knows me, know that i am quite non-confrontational. so now i s@@ that to love shooting is not getting me anywhere, i have to want to get somewhere enough to work hard for it.

now my schedule is packed. everyday there is a purpose. no more hanging around not sure what to do. daily plans to get to where i want to go. strange..i knew all these, it's just like i did not know the true purpose of it all. wasted lots of time. now i go.

somewhat happy now. clearer as to what i want. still slightly empty, but i know thing will happen as they happen. let what comes, come.

renewed

'是谁偷偷 偷走我的心
不能分辨 黑夜或天明'-张学友

reactions

not enough time to rest..let alone blog.

so many things happened this past weekend. been dead tired. coaching course. shooting. change some formwork. did some admin stuff. money running out. darn.

form change was pretty good. so far so good. will try smoe more s@@ how it goes. i know my main weakness..will work to make it better. things with shooting are not too bad now. got into training team by a sliver..will work to prove my place.

rather motivated now. the indonesian coach saw right to the problem of our team. no passion. no drive. no heart. don't misunderstand me, not that we have no passion for the sport..we lack passion to WIN! after some talk with him..i felt like bursting..so charged up and wanting to go out and do something!

things take time. things take effort. will make my days useful. one way or another.

people : hope you all are alright. i know some of you are disappointed. but remember what i always qoute mr tang, ' the only time you lose..is when you give up.' i have not given up after nearly 10 years of fighting for a place..don't you give up! no matter what you are aiming for..there's always a chance..as long as you try.

heart power!!!

knowledge

'knowledge itself is power.'-???

part of a phrase that's longer and more meaningful, but also slips my mind. it's that phrase on my photo frame of my kindergarden class picture that drives me to know things.

now i realise my error. knowledge does not give you power. it is power. it can break you, make you. sometimes you can use it. sometimes it uses you.

knowing things may be a blessing. it can be a curse as well. me knowing something, finding out something, broke me again.

i will survive. being well i will. maybe no more spectacular. but will be alright.

broken

dreams mean so little in times like this
i remember
no respite no redemption no turning back
but i remember all that we had
and i am truely sorry however little it means now

sometimes

sometimes i feel damn broken.
sometimes i want to try again.
sometimes i want to give up everything and start anew somewhere else.
sometimes i feel i can be better if i really let myself.
sometimes i feel i cannot go on anymore.
sometimes i wonder why i keep being the way i am.
sometimes things just seem so bleak.
sometimes giving up seem the best option.
sometimes don't know what to do about everything.
sometimes i have to be strong for those around.
sometimes have to know everything for the people who rely on me.
sometimes really wish i have somewhere to hide.
sometimes i don't know who i am.
sometimes i hope someone can convince me.
sometimes i wish i'd die soon.
sometimes i feel like i know i'll live long to pay for my sins.
sometimes i think i try to do too many things.

sometimes..we just have to go on and do what we do..regardless of how we feel or think. life goes on..make do with what we have and do our best. it may not be easy. it may not be smooth. but you got to live your life the way you want to.

sorry for the monologue-y, introspective disjointed post. just abit lost sometimes. i am also human.

'The magic of risking everything so you can respect yourself the rest of your life.'-Million Dollar Baby

flat line

life have been rather flat lined lately. only a few minor instances of irkedness.

firstly, starwars episode 3, coming out. one of the bad guys is going to be called..general grievous. and the leaked plot is VERY lame. i shall not have any spoilers here, but trust me, if it is as i read, this will be the worst starwars ever. it doesn't matter if the effects are good. it doesnt' matter if it have lightsabers(ok maybe it does). it's turning into a lame, childish, simplistic, style-less show that is undeserving of the glory that's starwars. and the author for episode 1, 2 and 3 is the guy who killed chewbacca in one of his books. trying hard to be outstanding? trying hard to come out with stunning scenes and story lines? you fail. you killed starwars. and george lucas gave you the knife. blessed are episodes 4, 5 and 6. even in those the 'special editions' they suck. man..GL have no idea what makes a good movie.WTH. rambled enough about this..for now.

team. what does it mean to you? to me it means we stick together, it means we help each other through. if you want to be selfish and stay aside to be yourself, to do your best. you are not part of the team. you think you know what you want, but all you want is empty, cause you don't ven know who you are.

i am here for you if you need. if i s@@ you down i will pull you up as best as i can. i don't ask anything in return. only that you are fine. that's me. unconditional. trust me. go on and soar, do your thing. i will always be glad that you can walk on and stand strong. i will be here.

watched a few good movies the past few weeks. aviator. ray. million dollar baby. and they all won oscars for various categories. of all these, i would say i enjoyed ray the most, but million dollar baby being the best. watch it. i think most people would enjoy any of these shows.

oh yar..how can i forget. measured my bow poundage today. i click at 49 pounds. OMFG. no wonder i died the first day i shot it. wondering if i should have it changed to something lower. will ask coach when i s@@ him. i can handle it pretty ok now, almost like my old yamaha limbs. but really 49 is just a little bit mad. don't you think?

not too bad..not too good. watch out for what's to come. watch out for me.

'偶爾整理信紙 發現離家當時
媽媽給我的字 只寫著兩件事

有原則沒錯你要堅持 相信有好的開始
小心別在城市裡迷失 家永遠有你的位置

一個人自由沒有限制 兩個人交心才充實
認真尋找你愛的女人 給她幸福一輩子'-歐得洋

(i like the above lyrics alot, and he sings it with ery good emotions, i like it.)

curve balls

life's a cruel bitch who like to throw curve balls.

nothing happened to piss me off. though nothing really good happened too. just normal. watch million dollar baby..and it reminds me of how unpredictable life is. in kind of a sombre(sp) mood today. no idea why..

been training hard..building strength and feeling the new bow. feels good. getting connected with it.

reading an old book that have been republished, author's preferred edition. like it more than the editted one. adds more flavor to a story i read maybe four times already.

you-know-who: i know. sometimes i am conflicted as to what to do. for now..i do what i need to do.

tough ain't enough. you need heart. at least i am giving it a shot.

'仍然自由自我　永遠高唱我歌　走遍千里'-Beyond

ultra extreme

a new beast to tame. a new machine to tune. a new weopon to handle.

first time seriously tried to shoot my new bow.

Samick Agulla Ultra 25" Grey
Samick Extreme Limbs Long 44#(more like 48#)
Easton ACE 430, 120gr points, 30", Beiter In/Out nocks Yellow Size 2, Spinvanes Blue
Shibuya Dual Click Sight Blue
ARE Magnetic Arrowrest
Shibuya DX Plunger Blue
Doinker 4" Extender
Beiter 90 x 0 V-bar
Easton Limb Bolt
Cartel Alum/Carbon Side Rods 12"
Cartel Alum/Carbon Long Rod 29"
Doinker Top Weight
Angel Finger Tab Type 2
Beiter Arm Guard
BCY Dyneema '02 String, Brownell Braided End Serving, BCY Halo Center Serving

ok..maybe abit too much information. anyway..the bow is a beast. it's by far the toughest bow i used. also the best feeling. it's difficlt to control and hold the tension. it stacks like mad..any slack in tension and it'll make you pay dearly. BUT..when executed properly..there's no where it'll go except the gold. it's all the archer's fault. when used properly..the bow is a charm to shoot. it throws itself out forcefully in a straightline. quiet. very little vibrations. balances well. point, stretch and let it work. now all i need is some time and alot of training.

i am confident that once i can comfortably use this bow, i will make my dream come true.

met up with my brother and sister saturday night. had a good time catching up. enjoy their company alot..nothing we cannot talk about.=) make my year. thanks for all the love. hope we get to meet up more..

i am a person who may forgive, but almost never forgets what hurts me. i am not asking for anything anymore. i did what i could, what i thought was right at that point of time. i am me. i am moving on..taking life as it comes. take care, be well.

ken, nearly defeated by the ultra extreme. that thing got to learn who's boss.

'天　天空可見飛鳥..
驚慌展翅飛舞　穿梭天際只想覓自由..'-Beyond

me..?

You are the Justice card. Justice preserves the
harmony of the world. Working with opposite
forces, Justice does not seek to criticize or
condemn but rather to accept. The idea behind
the card justice is that opposite forces are
complementary; you could not have good without
evil or light without darkness. Justice's
position is to make sure that if a thing is out
of balance, the weight of its energy is
realigned with its opposite force. This card is
also a card of humour, for it is in pointing
out contrary positions that humour is often
found. The attitude that is found in the
humourous person, being able to shift
perspective and flow with an instinct, is
important in the maintenance of good balance.
Image from The Blue Moon Tarot Deck.
http://www.themysticeye.com/pics/bluemoon.htm


Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

有夢有朋友

when i am feeling low i tend to be short-tempered and moody. but then..don't most people..?

been feeling down lately..but not really bad tempered or moody..mostly. =) trying to just be in the now. to do whati am suppose to do..even though i am tired..mentally and physically. not bad..like the way things turn out.. just feeling abit neglected by myself..haha..should be resting more then.

feelings abit mixed and unstable. trudge on.

i know i can do it. just need to work on it more. with more focus and effort. i will do it. for dreams!

my friends, my dreams. they make up my life. motivates me. lifts me up.

'明天的天空　因為有夢有朋友
心靈的翅膀才能飛得久
有夢有朋友　有汗有笑有淚滴
都會是一生溫暖的回憶'-伍思凱,優客李林

vending machine

sometimes i feel like i am/want to be one.

it's like this. i hope i can be of help to others to make thier lifes better/happier..somewhat anyway..and sometimes i'm not like that at all. anyway..it's like you come to me..tell me what you need/want..then i dispense if i can. just a kind of random thought.

so..if you need anything..can ask me. i'll provide if i can. ask and thou shall recieve..sometimes.=)

valentine's day. is there a big deal? not to me. it's just fun to watch some people trying to please some others. i'm quite fevil..hehe.. but anyway..busy at work cause of it..i think. anyway..hope everyone had a nice day. and have a nice day everyday..everyday is special. cherish it. not only this or that day.

i love you all. even if i don't show it. if you need..i'll be there. remember me kindly..

day of the living dead

totally stoned and brain dead today. haha..

have not played majong for a long time already and saturday night play till sunday morning then went to training. so dead. it was fun playing and talking cock. won abit of money..like really little bit..but the money is not important. it's the fun.

shooting was horrid today. couldn't figure out why till i asked to shoot 30m. then discovered that my centering was off. tried to center it again, only to find that it couldn't be done. then only did i realise that i did not tighten the screw to hold it in place. wasted the whole morning shooting shit. after which in the afternoon did abit better at 30m. but was really dead head. shoot three ends then sleep awhile then shoot more then sleep then shoot. tilli got the feeling quite right then went back to 70m. shot alright. will go at it after being properly rested and all. i can do this!

been fine these days. chinese new year been quite happening compared to other years. went visiting around friends houses and cooking at home. played two nights of majong. pretty fun la. but also sian at some stuff. outstanding stuffs. but i guess it's not within my control, so alli got to do is control myself.

hope everyone is doing alright. hope everyone had fun. after this break, will be chionging all the way liao. think everyone need to be more disciplined about what to do this year. seems like got lots of people i know who are having an important year. so..my friends..let get ready to rock and roll.=)

to infinity and beyond!

'but it’s been no bed of roses
no pleasure cruise -
i consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
and i ain’t gonna lose -'-Queen

know what..?

if you don't understand, don't comment.
it pisses me off.
what makes you think i am refering to that?
feels as if you never understood even alittle.
thought you do.
but time and again i am proven wrong.
all you do is assume. wrongly.
stop it. you don't understand. at all.

blast from the past

missing someone badly. her smile, her laugh, her jokes and clever remarks. seems like not so long ago. seems like yesterday.

but all have changed. i don't even have the courage. i don't even know what i want. lonely. survivable. gapping hole. waiting to be filled once again.

so many things have changed. yet i remain.

pained-ken
blasted by memories.

'my shadow's the only one that walks beside me..
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating..
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me..
till then i walk alone..

i'm walking down the line..
that divides me somewhere in my mind..
on the border line..
of the edge and where i walk alone..

read between the lines..
what's fucked up and everything's alright..
check my vital signs..
to know i'm still alive and i walk alone..'-Greenday