payne

hai..the emptiness threatens to engulf me whenever i am alone.

as i walk along the streets or simply seated on a bus, memories overtake the surroundings and play themselves over and over in my mind. wonderously painful. sweet longings. a bitter sweet symphony. the scenes play across my mind as i go about my life. like cut scenes, a break from life, a respite from the stress, a stab in the back. like a traitor, my mind taunts me at my weakest.

a moment of weakness. i'll be fine, yet again.

the quiz thingy..it's not doing too good. there's very little participation. and there's google and wiki. well, i'll carry it through the 12 weeks. s@@ how it turns out. but i think it'll be the last. even though i find it fun and some others too..it's no fun when people can simply get the answers by searching.

rushed through some forms the SSC wanted. quite pissed with them..but then..they are the boss. it's over now anyway. hope things get better with the team. we need to be one unit.

life's pretty good actually. getting on with it. though i am left wondering, 'what could i have done?', 'why didn't i do more?'.

more confused than anything. more lost and wanting.

went to lighthouse, a church near my house. don't feel..right to me. maybe i am expecting something and am not open enough. but i am going to visit some of the churches i've been to before and s@@ how it turns out from there. i'm not saying anything other than, 'let's s@@ where this leads me.'

'i have climbed highest mountains
i have run through the fields
only to be with you
only to be with you
i have run
i have crawled
i have scaled these city walls
these city walls
only to be with you

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for

i have kissed honey lips
felt the healing in her fingertips
it burned like fire
this burning desire

i have spoke with the tongue of angels
i have held the hand of a devil
it was warm in the night
i was cold as a stone

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what im looking for

i believe in the kingdom come
then all the colors will bleed into one
bleed into one
well, yes i'm still running

you broke the bonds
and you loosed the chains
carried the cross
of my shame
of my shame
you know i believed it

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for ' - U2