rants

cannot fall asleep again. been days since i slept well. body is aching all over. cannot really shoot sOo i push myself to run and do other exercises. went gym after a two weeks break..body feels like breaking apart..haha..expected actually..but still uncomfortable.

guess my mind is really thinking about things..worrying and trying to figure things out as usual. reading the bible helps some..and yet create some problems as well. concepts..ideas..learnings..alot to think through..hai..wish that things were simpler. if i was not at this level of intelligence it would be good. if i am more intelligent i would maybe be smart enough to not get into so much troubles..get my life organised better..do things more efficiently or something like that..if i was less intelligent..then i would not know so many things and try to learn and understand and help and just listen to people and just do what is simply seemingly good without complications. sOo..i think either way would make me a happier person. but then..who would know. hah. nonsense as usual.

i am cruel. i am uncaring. i am stupid. i am stubborn. i don't care. i am amoral. i am wicked. i am evil. i am so many things that's bad.

i don't deserve anything good. being happy. being worryless. being rich. being satisfied. being at peace. being simply me. nope..all that will not happen for me..cause i am evil. i just hope i die soon..the world have better hope without me around..i think..

air-con will kill us all. we turn it on to cool a room. which in turn make the outside hotter..which makes us want to use more air-con everywhere and make it cooler as well. it takes energy to make a room cool and outside hotter..to get energy we creates heat when it is generated at the power generator thingies.. sOOoo...by using air-con we make ourselves more dependant on it and therefore will use more energy to cool the place we are at and destroy the planet as a whole with all the heat we are generating.
well done humans!!! another innovative way to kill our planet and future!!!

it's been a long while since i felt even comfortable and just me. someone who is in a wal. at peace..curious..learning and teaching. everyday i go out to be happy. i make myself happy by being around people. people ask me for advise..ask me for things..ask me for whatever..i cannot be =( when i am with people..else i cannot help them. so i BE happy. but whenever i am alone..it strikes. depression..what can i do? i thought i was out of it..then thigns happen..again and again..this uphill task is drowning me. my faith and trust and belief is wearing thin..really. again and again..nearly 6 years now..i think. i know i can survive..the lord will not allow me to fall unless it's time for me to. he will watch after me and ease my pain and sorrows..but still it is not easy to bear. i can understand why some people end themselves. the hurt seems unending.

home? i have no home i feel..just a place to go to to bath..sleep..use computer..put things.. the only person i feel is family is my mom. maybe i have trouble trusting and being close to people? no one else comes close. but even with my mom..i almost never tell her anything. whenever my mom goes over to malaysia..i feel scared. so alone.

there's a pain in me that is threatening to overwhelm me.

no answers forthcoming. no end in sight. no one to help me i think. it's me and the world.

'oh para paradise..是否那麼重要..
你是否那麼地遙遠..'-Beyond