take 2

first read, for a second time.

revalations 22:13
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.

read this many many years ago and started using 'a&o' as my handle on some places. now it becomes my first page.

curiously strangely coincidental.

question of who am i? from it stems many other questions which i feel are important. itself stems from another question of, what are we to be?

broke down and cried. lost. feeling heartache again. once again i am alright. will carry on my life. feels that i want something more.though i am afraid, will let what comes, come. face it and face myself.

i want it so much. it is so beautiful. but i will not live a lie. i will face myself, my fears and maybe god. though i wish, i will not lie, cheat nor bluff. with intentions the actions must tally, or all is naught.

straight and narrow? so be it.

strange

could be out of race for SEA games. strangely, i am not very sad or pissed or disappointed. guess i know i did my best and still am. no regrets and still fighting. been like this and will be i guess. down but never out, till i decide to quit.

many thanks for Daryl. talked to me about some stuff and make me more comfortable and more confident. friends are such, there for each other. =) thanks dude..

life's been..good. happier these days. those who knows, knows. those who don't..well too bad. s@@ how it goes. really really unexpected. and really really happy. it's the kind of feeling that completes your day. weird. strange. happy. hoping. wishing.

life, have many unexpected turns. for bad or good..until the fat lady sings.

'cause sometimes it seems
like this world's closing in on me,
and there's no way of breaking free
and then i see you reach for me

sometimes i wanna give up
i wanna give in,
i wanna quit the fight
and then i see you, baby
and everything's alright, everything's alright..'-Bad English

more..

more complicated now..missing someone..

abit more confused now..wondering what's right..

somewhat more past my past now..things are still there as facts, but affects me little..

more is good? hmm..

still feeling shucks at shooting..still trying..still fighting..

when you believe in an ideal, you become something else.

cry

i can be so many things to so many people.

help them up, push them on..give them hope and let them fly. teach them to love themself and be their best. be there for them and let them crash..be their pillar and their support.

who will be here to help me? who will i let in?

i don't trust much anymore. broken things don't mend. not the way they used to be anymore.

broken..beyond repair.

am i enough? good enough? strong enough? after losing so much faith and trust..will i be enough for my last dream? do i even live the dream? or simply living day by day?

cannot even trust myself..what's worse?

simply

life now is simply fucked up.

feeling down and out. it's probably just a phase that will last a few days. been so bloody tired. trying to meet all the commitments. everyday chiong and chiong. all seems for nothing. quite pissed with things. fed-up and sick of fighting.

but tomorrow, i'll be at the range..shooting..trying hard. fool..i am.

so sian..so pissed..so tired..no mood..angry..sad..in pain..anguish..

all i ask for is a chance. for that chance..i am now giving my life.

somewhat

days been normal.

pretty same same. somewhat sianZ, somewhat ok.

shooting been getting back to normal levels. 1100s. tuning and stuff. arrows now too soft even with my sianed low poundage. from 48 drop to 46, then reduce to 44 and now about 42-43. and arrows still too soft. i miss the days when my bare shaft can shoot 90m and 70m easily. shucks. no money to get new arrows. *ka-chings*already abit in the red already. just make do and do me bestest i suppose..

should be going Korea in May for training. looking forward to it. hope it can help me improve, away from this noobie level of 1100s.

lots of thoughts about what's to come. lots of wishes that i don't really dare to dream anymore. been quite sad actually, about dreams. of all my dreams that are the life fulfilling kind, none are acomplished, and only one left. trudge on..painfully.

i wish, i dream, i hope.. ..

'from a distance, you look like my friend
even though we are at war..
from a distance i cannot comprehend
what all the fighting is for..
from a distance there is harmony
and it echoes through the land..
it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves..
it's the heart of every man..'-Bette Midler

hmm..

BLUE


??Which colour of Death is yours??
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what else?

now idea what is happening to my life.

been pretty sedated. shoot, train, coach..nothing much. trying hard to acheive, but losing steam. guess will have to do some introspection about myself.

guess i am wishing for something more..more interesting? more out of ordinary? to kick me in the head and wake me up? wishing for something to lift me up and soar? not really sure..just feels as if some thing missing in life these days..though things are fine and improving..

so many things to do so little time. but it's ok since i am doing things and doing them alright. just doing what i can. just hope i can do better. i know i can, just something not right. hai..

Archery - Sport/activity where the laws of physics, logic and commonsense have little application.

help?

don't know what i am doing right. or wrong.

old problems cope up again. new ones appear. why? stronger now. feel that form is alright. why can't i just shoot better. been at this score for years!!!

know that my attitude towards improving was not good. changed that. now i work hard. train hard. stronger, shoot more, more stable. but why am i not performing? can someone tell me?

what would i say to my student? i would fix the fucking problem. look for things to fix and fix it. given the amount of time i train and attention i pay to my shooting, it should be fixable. but why is it not? what's wrong?

feel like just give it up. i can coach well. i can make others shoot well. damn it!

help.

person

who are you? and who do you want to be?

we can change. it have to be delibrate. you have to do it. and do it till it becomes part of you. habits can change. we are changing all the time. so take control of it and be who you want to be.

days are all very tiring. work out. work out shooting. coach. doing paper work. hrrk. no idea if i am getting anywhere. want to do more, but my body and mind have a limit. i'll do all that i can, and hope it's good. nothing else i can do.

cleared my mind about some stuff. cleared some stuff wth some people. so not too bad now. pretty flatlining at better than average. hope it stays..or get better..heh..

money settling down. timing not yet. let's s@@ if i can organise my life abit more.

sandman.. he comes..!!

'every time that i look in the mirror
all these lines on my face getting clearer
the past is gone
it went by like dusk to dawn
isn't that the way everybody's got their dues in life to pay

yeah, I know nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes
i know it's everybody's sin
you got to lose to know how to win

half my life's in books' written pages
live and learn from fools and from sages
you know it's true
all the things come back to you

sing with me, sing for the years
sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
sing with me, if it's just for today
maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

dream on, dream on, dream on,
dream yourself a dream come true
dream on, dream on, dream on,
and dream until your dream comes true
dream on...'-Aerosmith, Dream On

邊緣人

just in. nearly out.

not doing good enough. pretty frustrating. i train hard. i do what the coach says. and more. yet, i am not good enough. what am i to do?

still some time to do what i can. and i'll do what i can. all that i can.

don't know how i express how i feel. frustrated. angry. hopeful. hopeless. near tears already. what more must i do!??! want to scream out loud..but it's all in the head. keeping my cool and take it a step at a time. losing my lauguage to figure out what words to use properly to express myself. left with shooting form, mindset, coaching techniques, mental conditioning, target aquisition, feeling of good shots.....argh..going mad.

close. not really.

'so make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
it's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
i hope you had the time of your life.'-Greenday

challenged

time is running out. i feel it. everyday it puts more pressure. every moment tempting me to take the easy way.

i..i will follow my dream all the way.

pained. but i will not give up. yes, i am stubborn. i will do this. my most excellent.

i don't lack anything, except a chance. and now i have it. i'll take it and go all the way.

do you dare, take the path i am taking?

trudge

two steps forward, one step back.

progress is not easy. fighting hard for it and yet keep being disappointed.

nothing much to say. too tired.

filled with thoughts, though fleeting.
full of emotions, yet no words.
hopeful attempts, failure lures.
silient efforts, mindless tolls.

attempt but never to be reached.
in life as in sports.
dare.

it is in the attempt that we find ourselves better.
it is in daring that we find ourselves heores.
it is in loving we find ourselves doing what we thought we wouldn't.

all i am doing now is doing what i love. to reach as far as i can towards the impossible. perfection. in shooting. in coaching. in dealing with people.

if i err, please let me know.
if i fall, please pull me up.
if i fail, remember me fondly.

embrace failure as a step forward. pick myself up and go again.

'sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered
and there's nowhere to turn
you wonder how you keep going
think of all the things that really mattered
and the chances you've earned
the fire in your heart is growing
...
dare - dare to believe you can survive
you hold the future in your hand
dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
it's time to take a stand'-Stan Bush

climb

read a post on a friend's post..had something about redemption.

i wonder if i can ever redeem myself. in my own eyes, in eyes of those who know and in eyes of whoever/whatever will judge me when i die, if there's such an occurance. what constitutes redemption? how to pay for what? i don't know. all i know is that i am trying to be the best that i can be, as i was last time. and i make mistakes, i have blind spots, i stun soemtimes..but i never have anything but best of intentions. what does that count as? i am human, i err. if i am to be punished for whatever i done, so be it. however it may be.

today's shoot was fine. first round was average. second round climbed abit to my old average. team round did alright. got team gold. can feel the form, can feel my strength, can feel that i am improving. let's s@@ where it goes from here. lots of work to do, so let's do it. =)

who knows me? do i even? does it matter? in the end..we are just who we are, doing what we do.

as i walk on, i stand taller. but a shadow still haunts me. when will it be shown the light?

'黃︰滄海笑　滔滔兩岸潮
浮沉隨浪記今朝
徐︰蒼天笑　紛紛世上潮
誰負誰勝出天知曉
羅︰江山笑　煙雨遙
濤浪濤盡紅塵俗事知多少
合︰清風笑　竟惹寂寥
豪情還賸了一襟晚照
合︰蒼生笑　不再寂寥
豪情仍在痴痴笑笑' - 黃霑／羅大佑／徐克

out of ordinary

today is a weird day.

nothing to do the whole day. excercised, read news, played games, stretched...blah blah blah..cannot shoot and need the rest as well. so all in all..was quite free and left to my own devices. normally saturday is packed..morning, youth team, afternoon TP or national training. today everything was off. felt off. like missing something.

also the side effect was that i had too much time to think and ponder. not good. not happy. too many things to worry about. so i did what i could to take up time. not really working..but well here i am at the end of the day.

felt empty today. happy for some parts too. pissed at somethings as well. mixed up. thought of something to blog while having dinner..now forgotten.

messed up.

fuel

been a hectic week. grateful for it in many ways.

the indonesian coach who came as a guest coach taught alot of things. formwork, physical training methods, mental work and all that jazz. to me the most important thing he taught us is that to love shooting is one thing, to fight to win is totally another story. i guess i was shooting with passion but not passion wnough to WANT to win. to want to win is easy, but to want to work for it to ensure you are capable is another. may seem strange to people reading this..but those who knows me, know that i am quite non-confrontational. so now i s@@ that to love shooting is not getting me anywhere, i have to want to get somewhere enough to work hard for it.

now my schedule is packed. everyday there is a purpose. no more hanging around not sure what to do. daily plans to get to where i want to go. strange..i knew all these, it's just like i did not know the true purpose of it all. wasted lots of time. now i go.

somewhat happy now. clearer as to what i want. still slightly empty, but i know thing will happen as they happen. let what comes, come.

renewed

'是谁偷偷 偷走我的心
不能分辨 黑夜或天明'-张学友

reactions

not enough time to rest..let alone blog.

so many things happened this past weekend. been dead tired. coaching course. shooting. change some formwork. did some admin stuff. money running out. darn.

form change was pretty good. so far so good. will try smoe more s@@ how it goes. i know my main weakness..will work to make it better. things with shooting are not too bad now. got into training team by a sliver..will work to prove my place.

rather motivated now. the indonesian coach saw right to the problem of our team. no passion. no drive. no heart. don't misunderstand me, not that we have no passion for the sport..we lack passion to WIN! after some talk with him..i felt like bursting..so charged up and wanting to go out and do something!

things take time. things take effort. will make my days useful. one way or another.

people : hope you all are alright. i know some of you are disappointed. but remember what i always qoute mr tang, ' the only time you lose..is when you give up.' i have not given up after nearly 10 years of fighting for a place..don't you give up! no matter what you are aiming for..there's always a chance..as long as you try.

heart power!!!

knowledge

'knowledge itself is power.'-???

part of a phrase that's longer and more meaningful, but also slips my mind. it's that phrase on my photo frame of my kindergarden class picture that drives me to know things.

now i realise my error. knowledge does not give you power. it is power. it can break you, make you. sometimes you can use it. sometimes it uses you.

knowing things may be a blessing. it can be a curse as well. me knowing something, finding out something, broke me again.

i will survive. being well i will. maybe no more spectacular. but will be alright.

broken

dreams mean so little in times like this
i remember
no respite no redemption no turning back
but i remember all that we had
and i am truely sorry however little it means now

sometimes

sometimes i feel damn broken.
sometimes i want to try again.
sometimes i want to give up everything and start anew somewhere else.
sometimes i feel i can be better if i really let myself.
sometimes i feel i cannot go on anymore.
sometimes i wonder why i keep being the way i am.
sometimes things just seem so bleak.
sometimes giving up seem the best option.
sometimes don't know what to do about everything.
sometimes i have to be strong for those around.
sometimes have to know everything for the people who rely on me.
sometimes really wish i have somewhere to hide.
sometimes i don't know who i am.
sometimes i hope someone can convince me.
sometimes i wish i'd die soon.
sometimes i feel like i know i'll live long to pay for my sins.
sometimes i think i try to do too many things.

sometimes..we just have to go on and do what we do..regardless of how we feel or think. life goes on..make do with what we have and do our best. it may not be easy. it may not be smooth. but you got to live your life the way you want to.

sorry for the monologue-y, introspective disjointed post. just abit lost sometimes. i am also human.

'The magic of risking everything so you can respect yourself the rest of your life.'-Million Dollar Baby