sleepless

yeah..been a while since i've been like this. didn't have a reason to. pretty nice and calm life. going on and going somewhere.

now..not really going anywhere. at least nowhere that i want to go.

somewhere in me..i wanted to get drunk. really really drunk for the first time in my life..get myself so wacked that i wouldn't know if i was a boy or a girl. but then..something else told me not to get stupider. that's the idea. stay away from it. stay sober. be good. and i did. watched an incredibly interesting show with a total of TWO actors. then took a bus home. read a book. and now pretty awake.

and still feeling empty.

i don't know if things are going to get better. i can only pray and hope and wish and really really want it to happen. though what i want have no effect on reality, as things have proven in the past.

i know i can and will get better. but in some ways i don't want to get better. i want to mope. i want to be sad. i want to have enough of my own nonsense. i miss her. i love her. i want to miss and love her. for the rest of my life. that's what i want.

still..i don't know what'll happen. i've been a fool and lucky. and not so lucky..but still a fool.

i think i am going nuts. i feel like dying. in shame. in grief. in a bad way. in a car crash. i thought about it. i'd rob a cabby, drive myself into a wall. literally. pretty simple. quick. and quite sure of dismise.

but that's that.

i hope it's not over. that i can make up for it somehow. that i can make my words come true and keep my promise. i want to make things beautiful and nice. simple and solid. if i get the chance.

God..in your mercy..hear my prayers.