time after time

again and again. over and over.

there are things that we keep thinking about. in my head now, there are quite a few things that are always on my mind. the most important is my family. got to keep trying to make things better. i have been a liability for quite long enough. though i try..it seems not enough. it's like a leaky boat. the more things it have the faster it leaks..but..what to do..? we are family. if only they s@@ it that way.

shooting been weird. feels better. but scores worse..haha.. a big f**king joke. i know my form and posture is improving. have to be patient and let things settle in. still got parts that i want to improve. a never ending quest for unattainable perfection. damn! i'm crAzEE.!?!

watched motorcycle diaries the other day. got to say that it's a really nice show. not the kind of show that's for anyone though. it bring you on a journey. a journey, a story which have no heroes. only life. the way things are shown, is very..stark..very..in your face..like 'look at this! how can we let this go on!' it's abit of a sad story, but also rather inspiring. makes me want to go out and s@@ the world. s@@ what it can teach me. chinese saying 'read a thousand books not as good as walk a thosand miles.' maybe all of us could take a walk. instead of taking buses and trains and cars and all..we could walk and s@@ our world..our people. idealistic. dreamy. me.

life's a pendulum for me. good and bad. back and forth. time after time. kind of stable. kind of not. hah. hope all is well for all my friends having exams and tough times. if i could help in anyway, i would. but..i am only ken. cannot even help myself enough. cannot even..hai..nevermind..tell me if i can make things better. i will. my best will be done.

been sad, actually. no idea why. just generally.

met my 'brother' and 'sister' the other night. talked and catch up. nice s@@ing them after ages. my bro still the same. stable. moving forward in a stately pace. unwavering. my sister, feels she grew up abit. more perceptive. more aware. feeling the restriction of life. feeling the enclosure of society. they say, i changed alot. more disciplined. more determined. more strong. they don't know what i went through internally. but to them, they know i hurt and s@@ing me become better from it, is enough. they know i can. i know i can. they seen me break down and became lost. i won't let them worry again. even though they don't hang around, they know. they are my brother and sister. further and yet closer than my blood family.

trying to be better. to do better. to shoot better. to do everything better. excellence in all that i do. i will try. i will do. if anything, really ask. i will help. thank you once again. my friends, my family.

becoming-ken
becoming better? becoming ken.

'i have spoke with the tongue of angels..
i have held the hand of a devil..
it was warm in the night..
i was cold as a stone..
but I still haven't found..
what I'm looking for..'-U2