character

it is what we bring everywhere we go and to everything we do. and it shows.

it is something we all should try to improve on, no matter the circumstances. no mean feat, but totally worth it, when your actions or your words makes an impact for the better to someone.

everyone, after sometime can see who you really are. you cannot hide behind money, words, laughter, jokes or being a poser shit. those who knows you, will know you and chose to accept you or not. we can only try to be who we want to be and the people around us will reflect who we are.

blaming others for shit that happens and not thinking of the big picture, is easy. it is not wrong, but also not entirely right. i guess that really shows your character. while others are trying hard to keep things together, some just wants to watch the world burn, especially those who love them enough to forgive them.

i am disappoint.

hard knock

as this day draws to a close, i want to thank God for keeping us in His grace and mercy. we have been tested and been found wanting. it is time for us to look back to the times we could have done more and been better, learn from those times and be better.

defeat is always bitter, no matter the circumstances. and we must learn from it and be better, or we will be defeated again.

this is a hard knock for RJ archery, especially for those in J2 now. the efforts, no matter how much/little, all seem wasted. but they are not. the journey, the friendship and even the competitions are all learning opportunities. if we have the eye and the heart to take in these hard lessons.

maybe i'm older and do not seem to be affected as much. but in fact i am very affected. i just did not let myself be seen to be. this shows something about the way i coached them. it's time to get serious.

this is the first time, i felt that the team deserved to lose. and i felt that the lost would be a better than a win. for a win will teach them nothing. many in the team are living in the clouds and do not put in real effort to ensure they do well. and they needed this lesson to hopefully, show them the real situation. that winners are not born into it. they fight for it.

the sad part is that, this pulls the rest of the team down. the rest of the team who trained like fevered russians and who fought like crazed monkies.

as a team they came. as a team they fought.

life is suffering. get used to it. live it. embrace it. fight it. love it. rise above it.

worth

i am going to make myself, worth more than ever. year on year. why?

i have goals. my dreams have solidified into goals. some parts of the dreams are lost and gone. the parts that are still there, will receive the attention they deserve, now that i have cut loose the baggage that i carried for so many years.

through the years, i have lost myself in a dream that is not becoming closer. this year i am starting anew. i replanned my life and am going for it.

it hurts too damn much to lose what was a corner stone. now i walk alone. but i am not alone. the Lord my God guides me and comforts me.

i will do my best, because God is with me.

really understand

i guess it's just youths being young. and the wistful thinking that we can hold more than what time allows. nonetheless, i still feel rather irritated when people use the word 'forever', in situation, where it is not possible, plausible or even remotely appropriate.

forever. a middle length word with huge meaning and often misused.

i am just being an old fart. being cheated by the word, the promise of the word and the reason behind the word.

i dislike it.

people use it too frivolously. no respect for the proper context of it and many times, with no intention of backing it up at all.

a new dawn

i hope. i am somewhat changed these months. i think for the better. still a ways to go, but on my way. after sitting on my ass for years, i can feel that i am moving ahead.

feels like a media block out. but..still miss you..<3 be well.

so

i do know this..

i am not communicating with you. yet i still want to. i remember the good things. i think of the good things we can have together.

i am not sure about your side. but i am trying.

if i am wasting my time and there is a better chance of a snow man dancing in hell, let me know straight.

we are still friends..right?

still stuck

why? i really don't know and it's twisting me inside.

do you know?

missing lots

i could stay awake just to hear you breathing
watch you smile while you are sleeping
while you're far away and dreaming
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender
i could stay lost in this moment forever
where every moment spent with you is a moment i treasure

don't want to close my eyes
i don't want to fall asleep
cause i'd miss you babe
and i don't want to miss a thing
cause even when i dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
i'd still miss you babe
and i don't want to miss a thing
-Aerosmith

Coco avant Chanel

finally finished watching it. started some years back on a flight, which landed before i could finish the show.

beautiful. smart. classy. sad. broken beyond recovery.

i feel it so. i hope..this is not the end for me.

time

heals all wounds? i do not think so.

after these months, i still think and miss her. after these months, i am still wondering where went wrong and what could i have done. after these months, when i let it, i still want to break down.

after these years, i still regret some of the things i did. after these years, i still cannot forget the things i chose not to stop.

i think the pain is not lessened, it's just acceptable. or somehow, we chose to ignore it in favor of more recent events. it's dulled, by choice.

perhaps it's just me.

i am still really hurt. i still really hope i can make it back the way it is.

and i am trying.

doors

now i have more choices than lives. praying for some guidance to go where i should.

if i have to go in blind..then i will walk by faith.

怎麼捨得你

紅笑臉　紅裙　紅絲巾
白紙般　坦率　還天真
一對眼　水晶般吸引
流轉的舞步　像浮雲

忘記你　但仍然想起
愈想起　更加難入寐
緊抱你　抱緊的只得空氣
明知得不到你　何必再要記起 *

一絲絲　一點點　燒毀憶記
一幅幅　一聲聲　又復燃起
怎麼捨得你
任由我 腸斷至死

戀一生 差一些 不可一起
祇一心 等一天 日月如飛
卻等不到你
願忘記　又想起你 *

情與愛　是無從更改
未更改　卻因何分開
失去你　才明白未可捨棄
但始終祝福你　寧願我這田地
-張學友

becoming fully me

i got the title from one of my lecturer while doing my diploma. it is apt. for religious persons and otherwise.

most people believe in the potential that we can be better someways, many ways, or even all ways. in our own belief system, we have to decide, which way to grow and be better. be more complete. more perfect. yet, we all know, we cannot be perfect. we can only try, and be happy with the attempt and ourselves as it may be.

i think i am becoming who i envision myself to be. the path i am taking changed abit, but i am forging forward and i can see my targets clearer and the road to attain them seem more concrete now, more than ever. my personal goals are driving me forward and i think that is good. all the while though, i have this feeling within me, that gnaws at me.

it is futile. it is pointless. these things do not make for a happy life. they can help, they can secure and they are necessary in this world, but they are not happiness. without them, it is even harder to be happy. or is it easier?

i am broken inside. while, on the outside, i stand taller. this is not becoming fully me.

under the surface

while i go about
my daily life
the things that i do
makes my days full

i have no doubt
this feeling of mine
some might not have a clue
why i feel like a fool

i want to shout
even want to whine
where in my world are you?
oh, i wish i knew

typed this sometime back and have been looking at it and seeing if i can make it better. i am sure better writers will be able to and i am not better yet. so i post this up.

re think

some time back i posted about how i think we Christians should think like our salvation is not completed until we pass on from this physical world..then i read this piece.

http://rejoicejesus.com/profiles/blogs/are-catholics-considered-christians-and-are-they-saved-by-the-sai

after some rethinking of my concept, i think that it is still a good idea to hold. reason being, Jesus taught us that if we do not do the works of the Father, we do not love him and will not go to heaven. even if Jesus does not do the work of the Father, we should not believe him. (John 10:37) so, while our salvation is bought and completed by Jesus having died on the cross and raised up to heaven, only those who love God and does His will are His children.

this is markedly different from Catholic teachings, where the traditions in place gives the authority and power to the church. what i suggest is centered upon God and His plan for us. while we are already saved, we can only accept salvation by loving God. and by loving God, we do His will.

so there is no works we can do to save ourselves. that is already done by Jesus. we just need to love God and do His will, His plan for us. it's not like, yay! i'm saved, i can do kill the idiot who cut my queue just now. or i can be sexually immoral now! those who does not keep God's law, does not do His will are not children of God and they do not love Him enough to follow Him. and thus have not received salvation.

my previous post on this was more on sin and repentance. in the same way, when we repent to God and ask for forgiveness, we are doing His will and asking for His help to guide us to do His will in our own lives. so, in a broader sense, to receive salvation, according to the bible, we must do God's will. and not add or subtract from His word.

fumble around in my head, but i think i understand better now.

mindful

thought to start writing a somewhat short story of some random stuff. now after two entries, i realise i have less time than i thought i would have.

studying. the more proper term at this point in time is cramming. 14 days or so to remember a book around 400pages long about laws surrounding financial transactions and advisers. my brain is really stretched out. then 7 days after that paper, another paper and book of around 300+ page for investments and policies and stuff.

on top of that, still coaching, trying to shoot abit here and there, exercise, keep up with committee stuff just to last the term and hanging out with people who are around. oh..! and driving.

tiring. somewhat nice to be pressed on and see the growth i promised myself. and as i do this, somehow more opportunities comes along. just going to explore and see what options do i actually have.

wishing you were somehow here.. =(

ground work

it was some years ago. six to be more exact. Mr H. Art was out, just walking around the small town. that was before he gain influence over the town, at that time, Brian ran things. Things were well, everyone was satisfied and no one gave a anyone else grief. if there were problems, Brian was there to solve them and everyone was satisfied.
the object was a passing through town. a curious object brought there by curious circumstances. Mr H was intrigued by it.
the more he found out about it, the more he was enamored. at first, he fiddles with other things and was occasionally occupied with other stuff and was trying not to be obsessed with it. somehow, he could not help himself.
days became weeks and months. and years passed. finally, the object had to move on to another place.
Mr H was convinced that he will get ready and go with it, not willing to let it out of his life. He had plans, get the proper papers and some funds, so that he can start afresh at the new place and try to fit in.
That was the plan, but he had to stay on to finish some business he was obliged to handle to the end. and so his plans were delayed. Even so, he was eager to start the preparations to go on with the object, to make sure that he was always with it.
soon the time came for the object to go ahead with the move. Mr H, thought to keep track of it, until he was ready to go to wherever it went. he was sure now. where he had doubts, now Mr H was convinced. even Brian was convinced and was helping Mr H prepare.
then, it was lost..

intro

"What do you mean it won't work?! Everything is supposed to work around here. God did not create things that don't work."
Brian sighs. Mr. H. is having one of those moods. Mr. H. Art, directs everything in this town. Everyone listens to him and follows his wimps and fancies. When things don't work out for Mr. H., they don't work out for everyone else.
"Sir. I am sorry, but it's not our fault. We tried everything, there is just no return signal.", Brian tries to explain the situation.
They were trying to get some respond from a train that is carrying a precious cargo. Some days ago, it stopped responding to calls and could not even be found.
"It is a train. It runs on tracks. It is only going one direction. Find it." Mr. H, gets what he wants, usually.
The town have mobilized a search vehicle to follow the track until the destination of the train. The party, was expecting a party on the road. Like Mr. H says, it's a train, on a track going to a  seaport, where could it go? Upon arriving at the port, the train was nowhere to be found. No cargo, no train, no crew. The party came back somber and afraid. Mr. H's precious cargo is lost. And with it, his temper.
Now, they were trying to send a signal to the cargo container, which have an on-board tracking device.
"We tried all the signals possible and all the channels available to us, but we are just not getting a respond from the box. It's like it disappeared." Brian tries to explain again. He knows Mr. H will just order him to try everything, again.
"Send people to all the surrounding towns to look for my cargo. If it is not found within the week, i will know what to do."
Brian thought this sounds more ominous than if Mr H rant and raved. This is not over. Not for everyone in this town.

deep purple

i've been lonely, i've been cold. i've been looking for a woman to have and hold 'cause i know, yes, i know i've been mistreated. Since my baby left me i've been losing, i've been losing, i've been losing my mind, baby baby babe.

ask

i ask these of Thee, come back, speak to me, tell me the truth and let us endure it together. for better or worse. one thing i promise, i won't give up.

dreams, not worth much if they lie not in your own hands.