lazy day

went out with mom for dinner then sat at starbucks and chatted for about 3 hours.

talked about lots of stuff and told her more about God. every little bit helps. Thank you my Lord. =)

still rather moody and depressed. think i'll be like this a quite sometime more. just got to buck up and do my shit. i'm doing what i can so far and considering more options as i read more and figure more things our.

trust that God will put me where he wants and not where i want. it's tough to think that sometimes, but got to learn to trust Him more and let Him steer my life. really excited about what's going to happen this year, as i can feel that things are moving forward after some troubles in the past years. very strange indeed, even things at home are changing. the relatives that have not really been communicating are now closet together and i feel some positive feeling around.

i think these few weeks have been tough and i have changed much. i feel less inhibited now. i feel like i am more able to chiong and get stuff done. it's like some stone have been lifted from my neck and i have more energy and spirit to go out and do things. lethargy was my big killer, it's getting lesser everyday.

thank you dear God, for everything in my life. though i have some tough times, i know You put them there for me to be built up, to be better, that i may better perform Your works and glorify Your name. you know my heart more than anyone else, i pray Lord that you will guide me and strengthen me, that i may be an instrument worthy of Your use. i have always known that good works is not for reward, either here or heavenly, but only for because You made it good and it is our duty to do them. it is not easy to do that all the time, i ask that You, my Lord, will forgive us when we fail and renew us that we may do them more and more, for the glory of Your kingdom. Amen.

Aedh wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-W.B. Yeats (1865–1939).  The Wind Among the Reeds.  1899

fairness

is not always there in a relationship. if you are looking for that, then i think it'll most likely fail at some point.

sometimes you do stupid things and needs to be forgiven and loved. sometimes you are disappointed and should be forgiving and loving. this way, the relationship can move ahead. after these episodes, the parties become more understanding and hopefully do less stupid things to spoil what they have. not all hurt caused are the same or felt to be the same intensity. some relationship might have one side doing more stupid things than the other by a lot.

some people stick by each other, feeling as there is no end point to the relationship, because the love for each other is enough to always end up in forgiveness and love.

sometimes not.

spectrum

been thinking about me, specifically my personality.

i am a introverted person, who likes to think about stuff carefully and am usually shy about meeting new people. this is my personal self.

i act extroverted, talk to people i barely know and crack random jokes. this is my public self.

when i did DISC and TJTA i was found to have personality type of Peacemaker.
Extract below from http://www.axiomsoftware.com/

This type of profile, showing a high level of Steadiness with no other balancing factors, is seen somewhat less often than many profiles. Steadiness is the factor of patience, calmness and gentle openness, and a pure High-S style will reflect these qualities. People of this kind are generally amiable and warm-hearted, being sympathetic to others' points of view, and valuing positive interaction with others. They are not outgoing by nature, however, and rely on other, more assertive, people to take the lead.
As in their general lifestyle, this type of person will look to more socially assertive people to initiate relationships of any kind - their solid, dependable outlook makes them far more suited to the maintenance of interpersonal relations than making initial contact. For this reason, their circle of friends and close acquaintances is often small but tightly-knit.
This person's particular strengths can be summarised as 'supportive'. They are dependable and loyal, this combines with an emotional literacy to make them particularly effective listeners and counsellors. They are also unusually persistent in approach, having the patience and restraint to work steadily at a task until it is achieved. This makes them unusually capable of dealing with laborious tasks that many other styles would simply not have the patience to complete.
The underlying patience of this type of person is the root of their motivating factors. They need to feel that they have the support of those around them and, more importantly, time to adapt to new situations. They have an inherent dislike of change, and will prefer to maintain the status quo whenever possible; sudden alterations in their circumstances can be very difficult for them to deal with. Once embarked on a task, they will wish to concentrate closely on it and see it through. Interruptions and distractions of any kind can be particularly demotivating in these situations.

though the test was taken about 2 years ago, i feel it still describes me pretty closely. while i can stay on mind about stuff, i get demotivated rather easily and if i am abandoned by whom i feel should have stuck by me, i kind of just implode. so, i am needy, even though i can stay on task at hand.

this is my personal self, what i really feel.

what i show outwardly when i coach is something different. i assume a coach persona. it have to be this way to a large extend. the confidence and the easy going nature, is not easy for me to cultivate. i must genuinely feel that what i do is right to build that confidence and show it out, which means i must be sure of what i do and to my best ability figure out that it's right. being so open and trying to be funny is the bigger problem. from introverted and thoughtful, i have to assume to be friendly and playful, and even to be assertive.

this public self thing drains me. after sometime like that, i would really need to spend some quiet time  i need to just be with my close friend(s), loved one and do something relaxing and be myself, my personal self. when i do not have time for this, i spiral down in to depressed mood and feel withdrawn from the world whenever i can. it's not healthy. so, while i can and do enjoy being outwardly fun and engaging, i need to balance with my own needs to be quiet and subdued. to feel loved even though i am not so fun.

so, this reflect what my 'brother' and i figured out years ago. we reached a conclusion that while i can said to be a balanced person, my balance is achieved by weighing two extreme ends carefully and constantly. when i go too far inwards, i should be somewhat more outgoing and after sometime being outgoing, i need to withdraw into being me again.

it's like how i have very strong opinions about some stuff and no opinion about others. it's either i have thought about it and have an opinion or i have not thought about it, or even more remotely, i thought about it and found no opinion about it.

i have learnt to live with myself and how to push myself to do more stuff. while it may not seem like it, but i do think alot about the future. i guess it does not seem so cause i rarely take big actions. when i do take actions, it's a series of smaller steps i suppose. this is my problem, i do not feel so comfortable taking huge risk and make big changes. and sometimes, it is necessary. what i have learnt is that, after considerations, if it is necessary, i just have to go at it boldly. if not, the time might pass and i am left with nothing. like now i suppose.

i can see how me, my personality and how i interact with the whole can be difficult to live with. just let me say this, if anyone reads this anyway, 'trust me. love me. i will make sure we are alright.' God bless. and good night.

reading/read

been reading some Christians forum and website of people discussing Christians stuff. and i feel like i had some small revelations.

for things that are not clearly spell out in the Bible, it is for us to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide us. and as my previous post suggest, it might not be the same for everyone.

my reading brought me to some page that was discussing stuff like masturbation and marital experimentation. it's interesting to know that the Bible did not say anything concrete about these stuff.
by going along the lines of sexual immorality we can go on the say that masturbation is probably not given the thumbs up. imagining having sex with someone you are not suppose to. even to reduce the act of joining with your spouse to be focused on your own pleasures.
so, in fact, unless a person can just make himself/herself  sexually pleasured, without immoral thoughts, it is immoral. then the problems becomes psychological and perhaps physiological, the addiction to pleasure is a well know one. and it spoils sex, simply because when pleasuring yourself, it is easy to know what you want and instantly to boot. no other person can do that. and so, it would be easy to be disappointed in sex with another person after having masturbated extensively.
some months ago, i read a report some some research from Italy that claims that people who have long history of masturbation using pornography are less satisfied with sex with their spouse. i did not think much of it at that time and not it makes more sense.

marital experiments that might are not clearly stated as go/on-go was also an interesting read, but of less relevance. the basic thing it says is to pray about it and discuss it over some period of time(weeks), while keeping the best interest of your spouse in front yours. only until both partners are satisfied that it's not sinful and are willing, then they may proceed. it makes sense, in marriage, our bodies are to belong to God and our spouse, so while trying something new that is not clear, it would be good to pray(ask God) and to have permission of each other as well.

ok, any audience out there. these are rather highly sexual stuff and please don't quote me or use my thoughts as a guide. if in doubt, pray and seek answer from the Creator of everything.

no way forward

even if i were to be who i wanted to be.
to be spiritually lead in a God-centric life.
to have a fulfilling, stable job.
to complete my studies and use what i learnt to help people.
to kick some of my bad habits.

i might still not have a chance again. sucks. big time.

Romans 14

Romans 14

 ¹Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not to doubtful disputations.

 ²For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs.

 ³Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.

 ⁴Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.

 ⁵One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.

 ⁶He that regardeth the day, regardeth it unto the Lord; and he that regardeth not the day, to the Lord he doth not regard it. He that eateth, eateth to the Lord, for he giveth God thanks; and he that eateth not, to the Lord he eateth not, and giveth God thanks.

 ⁷For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself.

 ⁸For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's.

 ⁹For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living.

 ¹⁰But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.

 ¹¹For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.

 ¹²So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

 ¹³Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.

 ¹⁴I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.

 ¹⁵But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.

 ¹⁶Let not then your good be evil spoken of:

 ¹⁷For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.

 ¹⁸For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.

 ¹⁹Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.

 ²⁰For meat destroy not the work of God. All things indeed are pure; but it is evil for that man who eateth with offence.

 ²¹It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.

 ²²Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth.

 ²³And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.

been stuck at reading this verse for a few days, somehow. keep reading it and understanding it more and more. did some research on it.

http://www.gci.org/bible/rom14

http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/1335-a-study-of-romans-14

so, in my limited understanding, it is as such.

1. traditions and practices are fine, as long as they are done to honor God.

2. do not keep out people who practice differently from you, as we understand and do differently, as long as it's not sin.

3. do things to keep peace between all and love them. as such do not judge them, but to keep our acts in accordance to the teachings of God.

4. whatever you do that is not in good faith is sin.

this is my third reading of the NT and this struck me as particularly important in today's context, as there are so many different Christian teachings and denominations. as we all study the Bible and use our earthly understanding to apply it in our own lives, and even in groups study and discuss the Scriptures, there are bound to have disagreement over the interpretations and application of the Word.

this whole chapter starts by saying, some of us who understands the scripture 'weakly' eats only herbs(vegetarians?), while those 'strong' in the scripture understanding, eats anything. this already hints to us that, as according to what we perceive as right, we do so in honor of God. by faith we do so and we are not wrong to do so.

i also feel that the punchline in this passage is verse 17, 18 and 19. what we do, what we eat and drink is not the crux. '..but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost..' in what we do to serve Christ is acceptable to God. we then do things that make for peace and things that encourage each other.

this brings to us works in faith. faith is not only belief in something beyond trust and knowledge. it becomes something to guide our actions, knowing that it is the right thing to do, our conscience in essence. the faith in the teachings of God in the Bible, becomes our conscience in everyday dealings. and thus by following our faith, which is disciplined by the teachings of Christ, and acting on these teachings with intentions to serve Christ and the glory of God, we won't be far off.

of course, then being humans, we err and are weak, and do stupid things at times. so then comes the repentance, forgiveness and the love of Jesus to save us. and everyday to be better and less sinful, by the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

much to learn here still.

i am most angry at myself for still being so lost.
for still being confused.
for still being a little girl about it.

i know what i want and am taking steps to go toward it. now it's just to wait it out. and that is the worse part ain't it..?

in the mean time, i'm too free, and my mind wanders the dark halls of emptiness and regrets.

all the questions

why are we so far apart now?
why do you seem so different?
why are you not talking to me anymore?
why did you give up?
why? as i am making the most changes to my life.
why does it seem to be so futile?
why don't you tell me what it really is?

why does it seem like it don't matter anymore..?

story

remembered this story i read online some time back.

guy 1 : i don't really want to be with her anymore.

guy 2 : why? what's wrong?

guy 1 : nothing..just she's mot the best out there you know. i mean, there are pettier girls, there are smarter girls and i'm sure i can get them.

guy 2 : so why haven't you?

guy 1 : i'm not sure. i do enjoy spending time with her and also like having her around to talk to and just hang out. but there are times when i can see myself being with some other hotter..smarter girls. you know?

guy 2 : don't be an idiot. she is not the smartest nor the prettiest face you will meet. but she's here with you. you think she have no other choice? it'll probably be easier for her to get a hotter guy or a smarter guy or a guy that earns more than you. but, she chose to stick with you and your bad habits. i think you know why. so don't look at what you could have. start to cherish what you have and make yourself better and she'll do the same.

too late?

confused

want to blog, but cannot find the proper thoughts and words to form and merge into anything remotely substantial. all i have now are some images here and there, some thoughts deep down, a few emotions so strong that somehow i don't think i am feeling them right at the moment and lastly, my body, tired and desiring rest and at the same time wanting to continue on staring at this screen and check all known avenue so that i won't miss a thing. any sliver of it is enough to tide me through a few more hours. that i know i am sane. somewhat.

it's at times like this that i remember many years ago, i did this online test thing on..friendster. haha..friendster. anyway, the result was that of all the biblical persons, i am most like Job. stubbornly taking punishment simply because i know one thing and i hold on to that with all my might. now, many things are telling me otherwise, yet i hold on and hope. really, parts of me are wanting to go one way, and the other part want to drop dead, and yet another is simply saying, 'hold on, it's not over.' whatever the shit means.

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
Job 1 : 21

sounds of silence

hello darkness, my old friend
i've come to talk with you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while i was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain
still remains
within the sound of silence


in restless dreams i walked alone
narrow streets of cobblestone
'neath the halo of a street lamp
i turned my collar to the cold and damp
when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
that split the night
and touched the sound of silence


and in the naked light i saw
ten thousand people, maybe more
people talking without speaking
people hearing without listening
people writing songs that voices never share
and no one dared
disturb the sound of silence


"fools", said i, "you do not know
silence like a cancer grows
hear my words that i might teach you
take my arms that i might reach you"
but my words, like silent raindrops fell
and echoed
in the wells of silence


and the people bowed and prayed
to the neon god they made
and the sign flashed out its warning
in the words that it was forming
and the sign said, "the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
and tenement halls"
and whispered in the sounds of silence

boom

kept going at it and i went where i had never been. interesting.
fuzzy memory.
still feels buzzed.
some difficulty breathing now.

hah. weird shit.

knowing and doing is so different. i'm stupid to still cling on to hope, but that's all i have now, in that aspect.

Relying on God has to start all over everyday., as if nothing has yet been done.

-C.S.Lewis

zoom!

i can think of so many possibilities. most of them bad.
i want to know the truth. i don't think i know yet.
at this rate, i think my knuckles will break. again.

impatient

looking around for job is so..scary. sent out resumes and knowing that there is a need to wait, but still checking all the time for any response. bzzt..!

then application for studies also like that..bzzt..!

contact

..of any kind makes my day..

chronicle

i guess i am blogging much again cause i have no one to really share my life with.

yesterday was great. did lots of stuff and went home tired. then i couldn't sleep, then i went to sleep on the floor and fell asleep, woke up late, freezing and depressed. had a sad weird dream.

today, went to speak with Pastor John. don't know what will happen, but felt better after we chatted and prayed. had fun hanging out with people, but the naggy feeling of emptiness is making everything less fun.

wishing you are somehow here again..
wishing you are somehow near..

finally

been going out and going home 4 time in the last 17hours. time to rest.
busy and fruitful day. fixed computer, now finally can boot up with everything.
refilled ink in free printer and have 4 color hands now. hung out with friends after coaching 2 schools.

good. now time to sleep.

fishes

was at a music bar tonight with some friends. singer and percussionist was great. most were pop/soft rock songs. wish you were there with me.

an ocean full i would have.

a feeling

sometimes people in a relationship wants some time apart and think things out.
maybe they might end up dating other people. being real close to others so that they can try to find out what they want and who they are.
maybe one party will be hurt. maybe both. but it's not likely that none will be hurt.
everyone will be changed. not necessary for the better.
everyone will need space to grow and see who they are again.

hopefully, at the end of it, those who still love each other can still be together.

hmm

friend, confidant, adviser and companion,

no more.

step by step

i know what to do. i know that i should move ahead. but the memories remain.
it's not longer a 'OMG it's a f**king hole..it burns!!' kind of pain,. it's more like 'hmm..something's missing..my ..hmm..?' kind of confusion and angst.

argh..oh well..go get busy.

chance

boy..do they slip away.

understanding

truth is i was trying since i started my Dip CC. 2008.
recent events made me slow down that path and made me depressed. i couldn't control myself and my emotions.
i tried to apply for this and that to no avail. could i have done more in view of my other commitments? yes, but i didn't. i was too focused and stressed up about something that proved ultimately a waste of my life.

late

seems like i am always too late. too late to change. too late to wake up. too late to save what i love. too late to realise my love.
fucking painful.

comfort

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

hold it

what is it worth?

when i cook for people outside, they enjoy it and are appreciative even though it's not the best food nor even close. at least they try and give comments.
when i cook for my family, they don't even try and cook their own shit to eat and go out. only my mom try and sit down to eat and talk about it.
feel so fucking unwanted everywhere. maybe tomorrow i go eat macs. at leas t i can count on the staff to smile at me when i pay.

for all the times i try to be alright and show that i am alright, i die a little more. because i am not alright and i do want to break down and leave it in pieces.
the world beacons, once again, for me to step up to fulfill it's never ending needs. to trade my time and space for some time and space in it. what little space i have inside me is already empty, what need is there for more space now?
haven't the dagger been removed? haven't it been cleansed and wounds bound? yet once more, it is torn open.
where can i give alms and say my prayers, that it will be heeded and heard?
teach me. guide me. love me.

ache

still i ache. not better as i hoped. i think perhaps some part of me want to hold on to the pain, so that i will remember the good times. i don't know.

good night and God bless.

prata

my mood is tethering on a crazy coaster ride. the ups and downs makes me want to scream. then the next moment it's a relatively smooth portion. cool. not cool.

climate change

not cool dude. get on with life. take a break. make things in your life happen. stop feeling sorry for yourself.

hope is a lie

give it up, my friend. lose hope. only then will you find God and yourself in God.

forgotten

dreams spur us on..
when days are dark..
when lights go out..
dreams of better tomorrows.
keep the fire in us going.
when all else is lost..
keep hope alive..
for if hope dies..
we die.

these are what i typed into my page header that shows up in the browser window. i think. it's been ages since this was thought out. and now, it is again significantly meaningful.

grounding

went to a different service this morning.

at first i was feeling out of place. then i was like ok, pretty alright. and at last i was relieved. the songs style is not what i would like. compared to the slow organist, it's faster and easier to sing. but i think some of the songs are not well written, compared to the old Christian songs. still they are alright, maybe i will get used to them.

 the good thing about this service is that, i find it more energetic. maybe finally i let myself think less. it is certainly not as comfortable as what i am used to, and i think it's more like what i don't like about some styles of service. but, that is not the point right?

through the sermon, which i heard online the night before, and some of the songs, i felt really touched and understood. wher i felt lost, now i feel more confident. still going to do the same stuff and go ahead with my plans, but feels more positive about stuff now.

 <3 still missing you. God bless us and keep us. Guide us and strengthen us.

can't

sleep.

eat properly.

think.

understand.

it was good to sit in church and spend some quiet time, if only for awhile.

i still feel lost. i still feel confused and not sure what i am doing. i know what i want to do and what i want to be in 5 years time. i am not smart, not careful and not confident enough to do this on my own. but who else do i have?

for sure my parents are supportive, they always have been, knowing nothing about what i do and still they do their best. i do wonder if i would end up a drug dealer given some slight chance of me talking to some of my seedier acquaintances.

some friends are really lovely and have been willing to spend some time to chat and just let me rant.

even though i don't feel it, i know God is there. He have plans for me and i know i will survive and be better, but now it's remote. when the good feeling is gone and the high is spent, faith must take a stand and be strong in the face of circumstances and doubts.

missing a companion is certainly not physical, it's very emotional and even social. knowing that no one have my back and not there to make sure what i am doing is right, no one there to talk about plans for the future. it's a gaping hole.

i know this feeling. and i am holding up much better than before. not that i feel better, it's just that i got to do what i got to do and suck it up. i can't let people down now and i can't let myself down now.

no matter how much i want to just break down and die.

break break break

Break, break, break, On thy cold gray stones, O Sea! And I would that my tongue could utter The thoughts that arise in me. O, well for the fisherman's boy, That he shouts with his sister at play! O, well for the sailor lad, That he sings in his boat on the bay! And the stately ships go on To their haven under the hill; But O for the touch of a vanished hand, And the sound of a voice that is still! Break, break, break, At the foot of thy crags, O Sea! But the tender grace of a day that is dead Will never come back to me. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

lost

more lost than ever.

why? why did it come to this..?

all at once. altogether now. how much longer can i be strong and help others? who is with me?

God. i am lost. help.

after new year's service

whiskey.

instant noodles.

me.

yay.

progress?

started doing my Diploma in Counselling some years back. did great and wanted to go on to a BSc/BA Psychology, but hit some snag.

now..done my SAT and waiting for results. meanwhile, stuck doing what i do. not that i do not like it, it's simply that the passion is not there anymore.

in anything, i believe that having some for of progression is important. it helps to maintain interest. it makes sure you are going in the right direction. it helps you to know that you are growing and learning as you age and do what you do.

now, it seems like in almost every aspect of my life, i have no progress. in some, it seems to be backsliding.

i'm so tired of fighting against something that i have no power against. i cannot change it and as i change to try to overcome it, i find that it's all futile.

it's not that i am not doing anything. it just seem that the doors keep closing as i keep trying more things.

when i was young..i didn't know about the 'path' to success in this island. i did what i wanted and did what i could. my parents also didn't know. my brothers also didn't know. now..as i looked back, i know i could be something else. something more..and something less.

i envy the young. choices still open. roads still un-tread.

yes, it is a challenging world. but for those of us who are stuck in limbo, being neither paper qualified or experienced otherwise, we are more lost.

those young, still growing and learning and the most enviable thing is that, there are so much advise and guidance available for them. it's not that everyone benefits from these, but they are there, now more than ever.

and yes, i am jealous. even, in some measure, bitter. where are my open doors? where is my ladder of success?

it does seem that my life so far have been a series of bad decisions made from bad advise and imperfect knowledge.

i am ken.

final words from a brave man

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,

Jack Layton

struck

while i was tossing around in bed for the last 2 hours. after reading the verses and some notes regarding this, i simply cannot stop thinking about it. sOo..here it is.

1John 4:20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

1John 4:21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

if we still hold grudges against our brothers and sisters on this Earth, then it is difficult to love God. or that what we think is love for God is not entirely true.

God tells us to love God and our neighbor. and as the parable of the good Samaritan tells us, a neighbor is someones is whoever in need. in our small ways, we can all be good Samaritans and show our love for those around us. it calls us to be less selfish and to hold others in good regard despite their faults.

related to this;

Luk 6:32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them.

Luk 6:33 And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.

Luk 6:34 And if ye lend [to them] of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again.

Luk 6:35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and [to] the evil.

Luk 6:36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

Luk 6:37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

it's not easy to do as it is to say. more so in this society's context, i think.

we can, but try. grant us strength of will and wisdom of your Spirit, that we may do your will.

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Invictus
William Ernest Henle

buried..

..under the expectations and demands of a mad world.

testing

Hello World..!!

unmotivated

everyday it seems like i am doing things to help others and not myself. i am not happy.

i am seldom happy these days. my mood is having a distinct downward trend.

not really interested to do anything. not motivated to go for things. don't seem to have any idea what i really want.

tired of this shit. i think i am getting nowhere.

my life..

not my own.

no time to do what i want. no resources to do what i want. no place i feel comfortable.

tough luck. oh well.

will survive. just another year and so on and another year and so forth. life goes on.

perhaps of my experience and all, i have adopted a rather uninterested mentality to many things. i hope it's not most things or all things. that will make me a super boring person..especially for myself.

whatever happens, life goes on. we adapt. we change. we grow. until we die. it's mostly a choice to do that, as are most things in life. we chose. something between tough choices. still we have a choice.

growing old is easy. growing up is not.

nowhere i belong.

home

feels so unfamiliar. so tired of being at home.

point

"the paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. we have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. we have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgement, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

we drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. we have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

we've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. we've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. we conquered outer space but not inner space.

we've done larger things, but not better things. we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. we've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

we write more, but learn less.

we plan more, but accomplish less.

we've learned to rush. but not to wait. we build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. these are times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. these are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

these are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

it is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the storeroom. a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete."
-Dr Bob Moorehead

inner strength

"The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that.

And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human.

But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious.

And for that I am grateful."
- Elizabeth Edwards, ex-wife of presidential candidate John Kerry.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

..maybe it's my own fault, maybe i led you to believe it was easy when it wasn't..

..maybe i made you think that every shot i took was a game winner..that my game was built on flash and not fire..

..maybe it's my fault that you didn't see that failure gave me strength, that my pain is my motivation..

..maybe i led you to believe that basketball was a God given gift and not something i work for..every single day of my life..

-Michael Jordan

for every single minute of performance seen by the world, who knows how many hours the champion trained for it.

stop giving yourself excuses.

quotes

education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.

- Malcolm Forbes

it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

- Aristotle

somehow..much education seem to have failed people. or people failed to be educated.

you raise me up

when i am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
when troubles come and my heart burdened be;
then, i am still and wait here in the silence,
until you come and sit awhile with me.

you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains;
you raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
i am strong, when i am on your shoulders;
you raise me up: to more than i can be.

you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains;
you raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
i am strong, when i am on your shoulders;
you raise me up: to more than i can be.

there is no life - no life without its hunger;
each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
but when you come and i am filled with wonder,
sometimes, i think i glimpse eternity.

you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains;
you raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
i am strong, when i am on your shoulders;
you raise me up: to more than i can be.

you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains;
you raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
i am strong, when i am on your shoulders;
you raise me up: to more than i can be.

-Secret Garden

asking

those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.
- Isaiah 40:31

dear God, thank you for the many years that i had so far. the years may not always be kind but they are always there that i may grow to be better.

i pray that you may grant me strength to do what is right and good; wisdom to know your paths; courage to walk them and the patience to guide others along to You.

let me not forget your grace and mercy, O Lord. Amen.

mecha love

remember in days gone past
i spied you through a wall of glass
and there you were, kicking my heart back and forth.
but now your not so tough.

you wanted the world
you wanted it all
you wanted the world
you wanted it all
you wanted the world
you wanted it all
you wanted the world

so here it is, the planets cried.
we'll rip the still sky.
make way when walls collide.
i know what heart but still will reconcile your mecha love.
you hold your thought so tall
you think you've got it all

you won't break my armour
i will never surrender

take a walk
so this is the last stand
so this is your last chance
so this is your last

you wanted the world
you wanted it all
you wanted the world
you wanted it all

as i ready for war,
my exoskeleton,
i'm not a passenger, i am the carrier.
i know this vessel will withstand i love your mecha love
i've got you figured out
i've got you figured out

you wont break my armour
i will never surrender

take a walk
so this is your last stand
so this is your last chance
so this is your last

you wanted the world
you wanted it all
you wanted the world
you wanted it all

so this your last stand
so this is your last chance

take a walk
so this is your last stand
so this is your last chance

take a walk
so this is your last stand
so this is your last chance

- Hadouken!

Mecha Love (Album Version) by hadouken

i usually don't like this type of music, but this is simply awesome.

absolutely no good

the true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
— Samuel Johnson

all boxed in

one aspect of this is that rationality of thought imposes a limit on a person's concept of his relation to the cosmos.
-John Nash

men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence -- whether much that is glorious -- whether all that is profound -- does not spring from disease of thought -- from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect.
-Edgar Allen Poe

do you dare to get out of the box..?

waste of time

all blame is a waste of time. no matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. the only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. you may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.
-Wayne Dyer

broken

dreams and lives.

i cannot bring words out properly to say how i feel. i was busy and tried to hold it in but there are times when i just needed to let it out.

she was such a bubbly and intelligent person. so full of life and potential.

i really feel so sad. i just keep thinking of how she and her friends will talk to me and disturb me for stuff.

how fragile life is.

dear God..

Psalm 8

1 O LORD, our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth! who hast set thy glory above the heavens.

2 out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength because of thine enemies, that thou mightest still the enemy and the avenger.

3 when i consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

4 what is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?

5 for thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honor.

6 thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet:

7 all sheep and oxen, yea, and the beasts of the field;

8 the fowl of the air, and the fish of the sea, and whatsoever passeth through the paths of the seas.

9 O LORD our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth!

queen

it's the terror of knowing
what this world is about
watching some good friends
screaming 'let me out'

pray tomorrow - gets me higher high high
pressure on people - people on streets
turned away from it all like a blind man
sat on a fence but it don't work

keep coming up with love
but it's so slashed and torn
why - why - why ?
love love love love love

insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
can't we give ourselves one more chance
why can't we give love that one more chance
why can't we give love give love give love give love
give love give love give love give love give love

'cause love's such an old fashioned word
and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night
and love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves

this is our last dance
this is ourselves
under pressure

-Queen, Under Pressure

fly

a man who has no imagination has no wings.
- Muhammad Ali

we can only achieve what we can dream of.

difference

if a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
-Henry David Thoreau

we are all different and let's be tolerant about it.

fuck my life

i cringe when people use this phrase. it's seemingly inane. things will pass and everything won't be much different. usually.

i say..fuck my life.

can't sleep. studies plan screwed up. monitor down. money all not coming in yet. lousy piece of shit of an association in singapore. lousy piece of shit at home rotting. friends all gooing somewhere and i'm still here. rotting. fuck. my. life.

i don't even feel like crying. i just want to lay down and die. fuckgetit. this is too much bad shit. what is it worth?

zen

without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. but unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.
-Shunryu Suzuki

note to God

if i wrote a note to God
i would speak what's in my soul
i'd ask for all the hate to be swept away
for love to overflow

if i wrote a note to God
i'd pour my heart out on each page
i'd ask for war to end
and for peace to mend this world

i'd say
i'd say
i'd say

give us the strength to make it through
help us find love, cause love is overdue
and it seems like so much is going wrong
on this road we're on

if i wrote a note to God
i'd say please help us find a way
end all the bitterness, put some tenderness
in our hearts

i'd say
i'd say
i'd say

give us the strength to make it through
help us find love, cause love is overdue
and it looks like we haven't got a clue
need some help from you

grant us the faith to carry on
give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
cause it seems like so much is going wrong
on this road we're on

no
no

We can't do it on our own

so
so

(give us the strength to make it through
help us find love, cause love is overdue)
and it looks like we haven't got a clue
need some help

grant us the faith to carry on
hope when it seems all hope is gone
cause it seems like so much is going wrong
on this road we're on

no
no
(no)we can't do it on our own

(so)
so

if i wrote a note to God
-Charice

some lines

--------------------------
__________________

ok seriously..


trust men, and they will be true to you; treat them greatly, and they will show themselves great.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

though this is not true all the time. the reverse treatment will almost always breed negativity and distrust.

religion is for people who fear hell. spirituality is for those who have been there.
-Larry Fricks in Strong at the Broken Places, Richard M. Cohen

which are you?

oasis

today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
by now you shoulda, somehow, realized what you gotta do
i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now

back beat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
i'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now

and all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that i would like to say to you
but i don't know how

because maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
and after all
you're my wonderwall

today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you
by now you shoulda somehow realized what you're not to do
i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now

and all the roads that lead you there were winding
and all the lights that light the way are blinding
there are many things that i would like to say to you
but i don't know how

i said maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
and after all
you're my wonderwall

i said maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
and after all
you're my wonderwall

i said maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
you're gonna be the one that saves me
you're gonna be the one that saves me
-Oasis, wonderwall

and all the roads that lead you there were winding
and all the lights that light the way are blinding
there are many things that i would like to say to you
but i don't know how

paths

some we chose. some are placed for us.

as we become older, we have more choices in them. we become more responsible for our future, even as our future becomes more narrow.

been really looking and thinking about what is next for me. not sure if i know where to go and what to do. have some ideas of what i hope to do. have some small steps taken. still quite..unsure.

as i close off some paths, some are opened. God is good.

i do not feel ecstatic about believing in God anymore. i simply do. it's just part of me. i do not show it strongly i think. i just pray and commune when i can. i am the quiet believer. is it enough?

battles

you may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
— Margaret Thatcher

so smart this one is.

travel

The traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see.
-GK Chesterton

empty dreams..

..of sand and fog.

building castles in the clouds of our molding. the value of which we, ourselves, are bound.

our world by which we live life is our own creation. the values and drive that fuels us is our operation boundaries.

we are nothing, that we cannot imagine.

you can leave archery. but archery is in your veins, it never leaves you.

it pushes you to be more. to be better. to do what makes yourself better.

archery loves you.

no country for old men

a man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
-John Barrymore

mood is swinging around like some wicked pendulum. some times i just want to be alone and relax. another 5min down i want to beat someone up. give me another 10..i wish someone would stay with me and just be there and understand.

then i realize, i don't understand myself most times. i don't know why i do certain things or why i want to do what i want. i just want to. just feel like it.

attempts to modulate my moodiness is not really working. i can be seemingly fine, when i got to do my work. but once that is over, i get all confused inside again. what's with these!?

i'm unhappy with a lot of things. things i can do and cannot help. things i have no choice about. people i have around sometimes just pisses me off.

i am tired of these shit. i cannot stand people. i don't like crowds. i don't like groups. i just wish i could be somewhere with ALOT less people.

many things that i think that should be, isn't. all the things i hope to be, ain't happening. tired of trying. tired of going at it again. there don't seem to be a point.

the world have changed to be a stranger place than i can fathom.

india and back

delhi..new place for me. it's interesting. the physical locations. the way things are arranged and built and how the city is currently. the people..well, i can say they are people. not as bad and not as good as others. food was interesting. not too bad. grown to appreciate the spices.

dusty. dry. confusing. old. random. income gap.

i missed home while i was there.

now that i am home. i wish home was better. loud motors. retarded people.

i quite hate the way things are now. seems like only drastic actions can break me out of this cycle. i don't know.

trying to take things easy and do what i need to do. see how things turn out.

fuse getting shorter. moody.

one rant away!

growth

the need to be right all the time is the biggest bar to new ideas. it is better to have enough ideas for some of them to be wrong than to be always right by having no ideas at all.
— Edward de Bono

being able to grow is to make some mistakes and falling some of the time to learn new skills and test new ideas.

singapore have become a bad place to grow. pointing out mistakes have over shadowed what is being accomplished. what is wrong becomes more important that what is right or improved.

this kind of mentality have reduced people's willingness to try new things and speak up. have made us all zombies in the machine that is.

we should learn to accept that everyone makes mistakes and remember to encourage people to try new things and learn things on their own. also to experience new activities and test out new ideas.

if not, maybe soon, we will be so behind others that we will always be drones that mindlessly toil away and drudge our life away.

this invisible cage may be difficult to break, or even to acknowledge. but once we, as individuals feel it, we should decide to break out once a while or never at all.

everyone dies, but not everyone really lives.

best in life?

mongol general: Conan! what is best in life?
Conan: to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
mongol general: that is good! that is good.

maybe that's why i feel depressed lately.

not been crushing anyone.
not been driving anyone before me.
or hearing any lamentations of anyone lately.

wicked!

education

the teacher who...is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.
- Kahlil Gibran

in old days, almost every culture values their teachers most. medicine-man, shaman, home tutors for rich families, lore-keepers and so on.

today..teachers are valued too little. we pay them meager amount. we restrict their power to discipline and teach our young. we reduce their work to mere results of a paper test.

the values of a society is reflective in who they pay more to. who they give more power to. today we pay people who play with our money more than those who educate our young. we pay more to those who make us look good than those who teach our young to learn that beauty is skin deep.

what a road we are on.

lost

'please stay who yo uare..please don't disappoint us.'

i don't know where, when or how. sorry.

iIf you are cast in a different mould to the majority, it is no merit of yours: nature did it.
- Charlotte Bronte

what fucking merit? it is of no merit or demerit.

sometimes it's joy other times it's pain. such is life. no more. no less. it's the throw of a dice by a unseen being. you just got to roll with it. some have it easier than others in appearance. but what do you know?

we don't know shit about anyone else.

zen dog

he knows not where he's going,
for the ocean will decide.
it's not the destination..
it's the glory of the ride!
-Edward Monkton

here and now

the world of books is the most remarkable creation of man. nothing else that he builds ever lasts. monuments fall, nations perish, civilizations grow old and die out; and, after an era of darkness, new races build others. but in the world of books are volumes that have seen this happen again and again, and yet live on, still young, still as fresh as the day they were written, still telling men's hearts of the hearts of men centuries dead.
- Clarence Day

the real world is not easy to live in. it is rough; it is slippery. without the most clear-eyed adjustments we fall and get crushed. a man must stay sober: not always, but most of the time.
- Clarence Day

quite some thoughts running in my mind. recurring thoughts and ideas. i cannot yet find the words to put them out. still cannot conceptualize them in the language that others can understand.

life have been pretty normal. work, play, sleep. some good times and some bad. happy times and some sad.

it's good to have friends around who cares enough to just listen and no bother if what you have done is right or wrong..and rather more worried about if you are alright and what you need to get it going again.

feels lonely and alone sometimes. but i know You are there. i can don't feel it, don't see it. but i know it. You are there. You saved me from certain harm and you are here with me.

hate / love

holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
- buddha

i'm not too sure of the quote source..but nonetheless it's at least true in most cases.

not liking someone does not mean you cannot love that person. liking someone does not make you love that person.

like? love? figure it out.

i don't know what it means to anyone else. or myself perhaps.

tired of all these shit.

one punch at a time

i was feeling so down and out these few days..all snow balled from long ago..

been tough to relax and take things easy..so much work and responsibilities jammed into my life..really feel like running away..

been awhile since i attended service. today i went, but left early to do work. but slowly i felt better. i don't know why. i didn't feel connected to the service or anything..but as i do my work, i felt a sense that i can pull through and i just need to do what comes.

i know that. i knew that. but something in me didn't feel it. after today, i felt it more. still unsure and irritated, but i think i can manage.

food fills the body. thoughts fills the mind. prayer fills the spirit.
what fills the heart? love? not always. sometimes it's pain. what indeed..? mercy and grace from God perhaps. but for that..we need to let Him into our hearts.

satellite

are you out there? can you hear me?
do you know my whereabouts?
do you know what i'm all about?
through the static
you're so close, so far away

are you listening? i'm desperate
sendin' out an SOS
cause i'm lost, i must confess
throw a lifeline, i'm down here
drowning in the deepest part of me

satellite
can you feel me?
satellite
come and heal me
are you watching over me tonight?
i need to know you're out there

your lines open and receiving?
you know i got so much to say
i just don't wanna fade away
keep on talking cause you're keeping me alive

satellite
can you feel me?
satellite
come and heal me
are you watching over me tonight?
i need to know you're out there

everybody hurts
everybody cries
everybody needs someone
to save them sometimes

everybody hurts
everybody cries
everybody needs someone
to save them sometimes
save them sometimes

satellite
can you feel me?
satellite
come and heal me

satellite
can you feel me?
satellite
come and heal me
are you watching over me tonight?
i need to know you're out there

satellite
satellite
-Bon Jovi

sad but true

hey i’m your life
i’m the one who takes you there
hey i’m your life
i’m the one who cares
they, they betray
i’m your only true friend now
they, they’ll betray
i’m forever there

i’m your dream, make you real
i’m your eyes when you must steal
i’m your pain when you can’t feel
sad but true

i’m your dream, mind astray
i’m your eyes while you’re away
i’m your pain while you repay
you know it’s sad but true, sad but true

you, you’re my mask
you’re my cover, my shelter
you, you’re my mask
you’re the one who’s blamed
do, do my work
do my dirty work, scapegoat
do, do my deeds
for you’re the one who’s shamed

i’m your dream, make you real
i’m your eyes when you must steal
i’m your pain when you can’t feel
sad but true

i’m your dream, mind astray
i’m your eyes while you’re away
i’m your pain while you repay
you know it’s sad but true,sad but true

i'm your dream,
i'm your eyes,
i'm your pain

i'm your dream
i'm your eyes
i'm your pain

you know it's sad but true

hate, i’m your hate
i’m your hate when you want love
pay, pay the price
pay for nothing’s fair

hey, i’m your life
i’m the one who took you there
hey, i’m your life
and i no longer care

i’m your dream, make you real
i’m your eyes when you must steal
i’m your pain when you can’t feel
sad but true

i’m your truth, telling lies
i’m your reasoned alibis
i’m inside open your eyes
i’m you

sad but true
-Metallica

broken dreams. goals diverted. paths muddled. we all change. sad but true.

world. life. people. society. so disappointing. meh.

do you have a dream?

there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. no one can avoid them. but it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.
— Paulo Coelho

what are you fighting for?

what are you living for?

Zvarri!

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
-William Gibbs McAdoo, 46th United States Secretary of the Treasury

smart dude that one.

learned

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.
— B.F. Skinner

it is my opinion that many people in Singapore, maybe the world at large, have failed to acquire an education.

they do things without regard to the well being of their equals. perhaps worse, they do not treat others as equals. many regard animals as free to kill and profit from. they treat the earth as a given resource to exploit, to gain more inconsequential material items. yet, many of these items have no value other than to be a boost their frail ego.

what do they think when others do the same to them in return? some learn to be less intrusive, many do not. many are blind.

if education does not teach one how to operate in the society in a manner that is acceptable, then the society will simply lower it's expectations of what is acceptable. because too many people are doing something, no one is willing to take steps to stop it anymore.

what was not acceptable slowly gains a foothold to be acceptable. no doubt the society is a living state, it will change. it's inhabitants must decide what is and what is not acceptable.

is it acceptable for a primary school boy to walk and throw away wrappings from a toy on the ground? who is there to educate him? the maid? strangers on the street? the cleaner?

is it acceptable for one to ignore traffic signs and squeeze into the yellow box to try to go faster? all while jamming up the entire lane from the other direction?

fine works only if there are people to catch them to fine them. even then, the people may shrug at the low amount of fines.


if the people cannot be educated, what can be done?

we're doomed.

real life

i wish that life was like it is in the movies
'cause the hero always gets his way
no matter how hard it gets on that dark lonely road
at the end he's got a smile on his face
but when they threw me out to the lions
no one saved me as i fell from your grace
and no one wrote me new lines for what i said wrong
what i did wrong i could not erase

this is real life
this is real love
this is real pain that much i'm sure of
these are real tears
these are real fears inside that i can't hide

i wish that i could be your white knight in armor
with an army just to bring you back home
but I'll admit i'm scared of dialing your number
someone else is gonna answer the phone
why can't it be like it is on TV?
when the orchestra plays and you come back to me

this is real life
this is real love
this is real pain that much i'm sure of
these are real tears
these are real fears inside i can't hide
this real life
this real love
these are real wounds I'm bleeding from
and i realize this real

i always thought that our love was a storybook tale
God knows that i never dreamed in the end it would fail

'cause this is real life
this is real love
this is real pain that much i'm sure of
these are real tears
these are real fears inside, i can't hide
this real life
this is real love
these are real wounds i'm bleeding from
when i realize this real...
-Jon Bon Jovi

life don't always give you a second chance.

as we go on

as i go on in life, these days especially, i find myself having more questions.

questions about the society's direction. questions about human's humanity. questions about what exactly one wants and how do you know it is. also questions about 'WHY THE HECK ARE SOME PEOPLE ALIVE?!?!?!?!'

just creating problems for all. just hanging on to shreds of dignity and shooting off from the gaping maw that spews brain dead statements.

it really tests my patience. it really tests my control. if i was 10 years younger, i would rip his face off.

some days i don't want to get up. getting up means facing this torrent of bullshit and holding my face like a statue and doing what's 'professional'. being professional means doing your job and sacrificing some of your self/time to get it done? what does it really mean? where is the heart in doing things? where is the desire for the country? for the greater good and progress of all?

i am too naive. my ideals are not for these crazee times. these times..these crazy times calls for crazy response. but i can't. i have a job to do. i have responsibilities to fulfill. i cannot be myself. i cannot act on what i think. i cannot say what i thunk.

i am tired. tired of this charade. this nonsensical dance of words that leave everyone drained and feeling lost.

God..you have a plan. i believe you have a plan for all of us. right now it's hard for me to see and feel. but i will believe, for i have felt your goodness and not forgotten your grace and mercy.

they don't care about us

skin head, dead head
everybody gone bad
situation, aggravation
everybody allegation
in the suite, on the news
everybody dog food
bang bang, shot dead
everybody's gone mad

all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us
all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us

beat me, hate me
you can never break me
will me, thrill me
you can never kill me
Jew me, sue me
everybody do me
kick me, kike me
don't you black or white me

all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us
all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us

tell me what has become of my life
i have a wife and two children who love me
i am the victim of police brutality, now
i'm tired of bein' the victim of hate
you're rapin' me of my pride
oh, for God's sake
i look to heaven to fulfill its prophecy...
set me free

skin head, dead head
everybody gone bad
trepidation, speculation
everybody allegation
in the suite, on the news
everybody dog food
black man, black male
throw your brother in jail

all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us
all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us

tell me what has become of my rights
am i invisible because you ignore me?
your proclamation promised me free liberty, now
i'm tired of bein' the victim of shame
they're throwing me in a class with a bad name
i can't believe this is the land from which i came
you know i do really hate to say it
the government don't wanna see
but if Roosevelt was livin'
he wouldn't let this be, no, no

skin head, dead head
everybody gone bad
situation, speculation
everybody litigation
beat me, bash me
you can never trash me
hit me, kick me
you can never get me

all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us
all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us

some things in life they just don't wanna see
but if Martin Luther was livin'
he wouldn't let this be

skin head, dead head
everybody gone bad
situation, segregation
everybody allegation
in the suite, on the news
everybody dog food
kick me, strike me
don't you wrong or right me

all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us
all i wanna say is that
they don't really care about us
-Michael Jackson

insight

how we look at other people's problems and issues determines how we feel about them and how we deal with them.

what can we know about their lives? how can we, anything but, scratch the surface and see only the shell?

am reading dreams from my father at the airport. waiting for a friend to arrive to leave. airport..where lives meet and separate. where people smile and laught. where others cry and despair. reaching out to some who never return. to catch those who finally have their feet planted where it belongs.

airports give me a sense of hope and fear at the same time. with all it brings and all it takes away.

sometimes what we see in others are only the issues that deals with other people. the issues on this earth.

but what about deep down? the issues that no one else knows about..the thoughts that keep one awake and silently pray each night. the unseen fears that drives one to excel where others can see. the dreams that vanishes each dawn. the hurt that cannot be washed away and the tears that doesn't flow anymore.

how about those hopes. those aspirations that reaches even the heavens. the fears that are contained in a even greater possibility. the disappointments that are constantly replaced by even more daring ideas. the reaching out for greatness that begins by reaching inward for strength. the endurance that is forged by daily renewal of hope.

of these, what can we know of a person? what words can describe and what ears can hear, can the heart feel?

who can we truly understand and understand us in return? mere exchange of words will not satisfy. the bond that requires no words and transcends distance.

who do we have in our lives that we have this bond with?

if there is no one on this earth, look to the heavens and feel in your heart.

past year

i have not been up to the standard on the attempt to write more on my blog.

i have not been satisfied to live life as alive as i want it to be.

i have not learnt or experienced enough the past year.

more to come this year.

be strong

i felt my days are not good these days. i complain and get depressed. i think about what i should do and what i want to do.

then i am thrown an article.
http://www.jsonline.com/news/wisconsin/64677772.html

reading it i felt that i have been so blessed and fortunate. and i have been selfish. i have been blind-sided and careless. i am humbled.

thank you, Lord. for making me open my eyes and for breaking my heart in a way that makes me love Your people again.

days gone by..goes by..

cannot sleep these days. it's like..i feel tired but yet something is keeping me awake.

feels bothered by stuff..don't really know what. i mean things are not running as i think they should, but that's nothing new. everything in the world is pretty fucked up.

there are people who don't care about the future, don't care about others, some don't even care about themselves and just want to make others hurt. i mean..what is the world coming to? not that i expect everyone to think like me..but there is no logic to their actions that i can see. if it's differing opinion on what is better, how to get it done..i can understand and swallow that, somehow. but when people do things that are outright retarded and it seems to me it's simply an act of psychological masturbation or ego boost or whatever you want to call it, it makes me pissed off much.

i don't really know what i am unhappy about. or what i am bothered by. there are so many little things and a few bigger things. perhaps just feeling that things are not going well. and not chance of it going well anytime soon.

pretty tired and depressed lately. just want to sleep and relax. but nothing entertains me or make me look forward to anything. i don't even feel like reading or playing games. i just sit around and do nothing. read random news and stuff.

lost. try to rest again.

dumb luck

i go through most years without falling seriously sick or terribly injured. that's pretty much luck considering how i don't take care of my diet and do silly shit every once a while.

then i have to fall and take four stitches on my right hand. exit from a cab and fell. dumb luck.

trying to keep body in better shape and eat healthier. i don't want to feel out of breath after climbing stairs.

i can still remember how i can rush everywhere and feel fit like a fiddle. getting older, but not going to just let that get in my way of being fit. got to keep up with my students at least. haha.

it won't be as easy as when i was younger..but still..you know..got to do it.

yeah. luck is for those who are not prepared.