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..of any kind makes my day..

chronicle

i guess i am blogging much again cause i have no one to really share my life with.

yesterday was great. did lots of stuff and went home tired. then i couldn't sleep, then i went to sleep on the floor and fell asleep, woke up late, freezing and depressed. had a sad weird dream.

today, went to speak with Pastor John. don't know what will happen, but felt better after we chatted and prayed. had fun hanging out with people, but the naggy feeling of emptiness is making everything less fun.

wishing you are somehow here again..
wishing you are somehow near..

finally

been going out and going home 4 time in the last 17hours. time to rest.
busy and fruitful day. fixed computer, now finally can boot up with everything.
refilled ink in free printer and have 4 color hands now. hung out with friends after coaching 2 schools.

good. now time to sleep.

fishes

was at a music bar tonight with some friends. singer and percussionist was great. most were pop/soft rock songs. wish you were there with me.

an ocean full i would have.

a feeling

sometimes people in a relationship wants some time apart and think things out.
maybe they might end up dating other people. being real close to others so that they can try to find out what they want and who they are.
maybe one party will be hurt. maybe both. but it's not likely that none will be hurt.
everyone will be changed. not necessary for the better.
everyone will need space to grow and see who they are again.

hopefully, at the end of it, those who still love each other can still be together.

hmm

friend, confidant, adviser and companion,

no more.

step by step

i know what to do. i know that i should move ahead. but the memories remain.
it's not longer a 'OMG it's a f**king hole..it burns!!' kind of pain,. it's more like 'hmm..something's missing..my ..hmm..?' kind of confusion and angst.

argh..oh well..go get busy.

chance

boy..do they slip away.

understanding

truth is i was trying since i started my Dip CC. 2008.
recent events made me slow down that path and made me depressed. i couldn't control myself and my emotions.
i tried to apply for this and that to no avail. could i have done more in view of my other commitments? yes, but i didn't. i was too focused and stressed up about something that proved ultimately a waste of my life.

late

seems like i am always too late. too late to change. too late to wake up. too late to save what i love. too late to realise my love.
fucking painful.

comfort

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

hold it

what is it worth?

when i cook for people outside, they enjoy it and are appreciative even though it's not the best food nor even close. at least they try and give comments.
when i cook for my family, they don't even try and cook their own shit to eat and go out. only my mom try and sit down to eat and talk about it.
feel so fucking unwanted everywhere. maybe tomorrow i go eat macs. at leas t i can count on the staff to smile at me when i pay.

for all the times i try to be alright and show that i am alright, i die a little more. because i am not alright and i do want to break down and leave it in pieces.
the world beacons, once again, for me to step up to fulfill it's never ending needs. to trade my time and space for some time and space in it. what little space i have inside me is already empty, what need is there for more space now?
haven't the dagger been removed? haven't it been cleansed and wounds bound? yet once more, it is torn open.
where can i give alms and say my prayers, that it will be heeded and heard?
teach me. guide me. love me.

ache

still i ache. not better as i hoped. i think perhaps some part of me want to hold on to the pain, so that i will remember the good times. i don't know.

good night and God bless.

prata

my mood is tethering on a crazy coaster ride. the ups and downs makes me want to scream. then the next moment it's a relatively smooth portion. cool. not cool.

climate change

not cool dude. get on with life. take a break. make things in your life happen. stop feeling sorry for yourself.

hope is a lie

give it up, my friend. lose hope. only then will you find God and yourself in God.

forgotten

dreams spur us on..
when days are dark..
when lights go out..
dreams of better tomorrows.
keep the fire in us going.
when all else is lost..
keep hope alive..
for if hope dies..
we die.

these are what i typed into my page header that shows up in the browser window. i think. it's been ages since this was thought out. and now, it is again significantly meaningful.

grounding

went to a different service this morning.

at first i was feeling out of place. then i was like ok, pretty alright. and at last i was relieved. the songs style is not what i would like. compared to the slow organist, it's faster and easier to sing. but i think some of the songs are not well written, compared to the old Christian songs. still they are alright, maybe i will get used to them.

 the good thing about this service is that, i find it more energetic. maybe finally i let myself think less. it is certainly not as comfortable as what i am used to, and i think it's more like what i don't like about some styles of service. but, that is not the point right?

through the sermon, which i heard online the night before, and some of the songs, i felt really touched and understood. wher i felt lost, now i feel more confident. still going to do the same stuff and go ahead with my plans, but feels more positive about stuff now.

 <3 still missing you. God bless us and keep us. Guide us and strengthen us.