footing

walking on and trying to settle stuff on many fronts.

still many obstacles and difficulties ahead. i do not know what will happen, but i find myself less afraid and more willing to try. taking risks like these would stump me last time, now i feel..rather empowered. i have already lost much, what worse can happen..?

i know much worse can happen, but the fear of that is overshadowed by the potential of what i can achieve.

i still find myself thinking too much at times and bogging myself down with thoughts and not actions. still learning the balance and trying to find my own balance.

the days are still dark, but i feel hopeful.

ender's end

just finished reading the main plot(i think) of the ender's series. the ending was not as climatic as i thought it could be. i think it was the writing style, laying the things down as they happen and tying up the loose ends.

it's an awesome series. the issues exposed there are huge and intimate at the same time. and i feel they are very important questions for us all. the stories are believable and characters grow and have sufficient depth. it's easily the best story i have read. having a great central character who is very human and understandable, having a great story that stems from many small stories of many people and places and most of all, having the wonder of discovery throughout the story.

it have definitely shape the way i think in the short one week. i can feel myself changing and being molded as i experience the characters' struggles. i learn new ways of thinking and being from the challenges and pain in the books.

yes i am a huge fan now.

and as i embark on another journey of my life, hoping to walk on strongly with dignity and hope. i ponder, but try to stop myself from being stuck. i move on, as sometimes we come to a point where holding on to the life that was once ours, have become a coffin on our backs. and to break free from it is to give ourselves freedom, to be once again us.

to be me. to be free to be me. to be free to learn to be me. the end of one, is the beginning of many others. as it have done it's part, we let it go. not without yearning or pain, but knowing that there is a time for everything.

seeing through

it's the what? spotlight effect? self-centered-ness in humans?

i thought what i did and was doing, and even to some extend, thinking, was obvious. and that people knew, but avoided speaking to me about it cause it was impolite or not their business. i suppose i think i was wrong. nobody knows much, or even think about that what i was doing was more than on the surface.

has it been concluded that it will go one way or another? certainly not, in my opinion. though that is perhaps the reflection of my own confusion and doubt.

we'll see..we'll see..

count down

give myself two weeks to figure this out.

i think it's more or less a done deal..just need some time to let things happen as they do while i ready myself.

learnt to push myself higher and focus more, even under adverse conditions. i love it. though i made some mistake, i still did good in my own eyes. got to up the game.

resist fail

i am now confused. i don't even know how i feel.

suddenly tossed into the deep end again.

who am i even?

question

so now the question is..

why am i even trying?
why do i keep trying?
what do i think i am?

ok..that mean the first statement here is wrong..it should be..plural.

i carry a lot of emotional baggage. trying to let them go. failing. perhaps..one way or another, i am destined to fail. only to succeed in being a negative example.

bordering on the line of being sober and drunk.
formation of thoughts is like a jigsaw.
still my own mental barrier serves as a force of will to keep me going.

my only wish is that, the day i break, i won't be harming anyone, anymore.

dealt

being rather introverted have it's bad times and good times. add some depression into the mix, there is not much light in the world through these weary eyes.

being introverted is not like having an extrovert self that don't know how to get out and show itself. it's more like..enjoy deep and meaningful exchange that really want to get to the bottom of things and really really know someone or something. it's tiring and yet fulfilling. when being forced to deal with mundane and superficial things, it's tiring and not fulfilling at all. and thus it becomes draining.

being introverted, like many would say, also means we need our own time and space more than others. we recharge by being alone with our thoughts or a good book or nothing or a game, a movie, a song.. i can totally see myself enjoying that, alone.

it's not that we cannot socialise, it's just perhaps more tiring and strange compared to how extroverts feel when dealing with people. i force myself to deal with people on a rather uncomfortable platform all the time, and it does get easier, but no less draining. and at the end of it, i would love to have some time to myself or just a few close friends.

now all that seem rather normal. but sometimes i get depressed. not like major depression, but i do wish i could go there and actually feel what the deep end feels like. then maybe i won't want to go there anymore. and i also fear that once i get there, i cannot get out. and that's not to mention the responsibilities that i have, and are still growing. even though i am alone and living with my parents, the amount of responsibilities i take on keep growing. i..can manage, but i know not for how long more.

the nights are getting longer and my days are filled with less smiles. perhaps it's time to leave.

mirror : 1

many years ago, i did something wrong. and to erase that which i did, i allowed something to happen which was terrible. and as time went by, it happened a few more times and with each passing i was less affected by it. i lost my feelings for the morality of it and i became..trapped.

some part of me knows it. know it to be a horrible thing to allow and continue to ignore the responsibilities i had for it. and yet, some part of me block that off and continue to be me.

it's been part of me since then, it's not something you forget. even in the brightest of days and the happiest of moments, the memory can come back and i am humbled and depressed. i knew the severity of it and that i had the power to stop it, but i didn't. my choice was to be blind. and now, there is nothing i can do to recover what i let go and no way that i can atone for any of that.

my only hope is that, there is a better world out there for those i let down.

for me, i don't know anymore. some part of me don't even dare to try anymore.

clean

clean in the body, clean in the mind. one is easy and the other is tricky.

been reducing food intake, clean of alcohol and eating lots more fruits and veggies. feels like..a strange thing..like..i don't like it, but i want to do it. i want to break free of my wants and my useless habits. gaming much less now. thinking and studying much more.

and yet..i am lost. i don't know myself. i don't know what i want. i am trying to get better at my studies and my job, and they seems so hard now that i have more time for them. it's the same, but my increase in effort, yields no improvements. it's been months. i am disappointed in myself. i don't know what else i should be doing.

and now..many things that i have been doing is crumbling around me. i think i know who is trying to take me down. i know i can survive and do something else..something better even. i just cannot seem to find out what is it that i want to do. what is it that i need. is my life just like that? survive and breath moment to moment.

what am i to do?

if only it was that simple..

i think many people still do not understand the way economy works in this modern times. i do not profess a good knowledge as well, but i try to read and understand more about the world in general and how it ticks.

i see many people getting angry about 6.9mil. angry with retiring later. angry with..i don't know..MRT breaking down sometimes? crowded on bus? good FOREIGN prof not given tenure? kids cannot get course of choice in local U?

so many whining people..!! why??

let's see..we need the population to pay taxes to continue to give the same or better access to medicine and health care as well as other infrastructures in the country. we need a certain percentage of working adults earning a certain amount to reach the amount that the country needs to run on. so, it is pro-business, which creates jobs, which create taxes. right?

it's not only happening to us. in other countries, they are also trying to attract big companies, which will in turn want their own people in certain places to run the show. which means, we will have foreigners. i think there are people who are unhappy with foreign talents taking our jobs. the only way is to prove that we can do a better job or create our own jobs. unfortunately, many companies, to cut cost, decides to hire foreigners, which may or may not be cheaper. and certainly some would complain that Singaporeans lack the drive and such..it's our own fault to create such a situation.

since the figures for lower end foreign workers are reduced to lower the job snatching from our own people, we need more people to work. so it makes sense that a fixed number of population, needs to work more years. so why are they angry at maybe needing to work longer? people ask for less foreigner, gov reduce foreigners, people need to work to replace foreigners, people complain. like..similan? this also applies to higher paying jobs. less foreigners, more locals need to work. else..jobs go elsewhere and SG loses appeal to companies..then we are in deep shit.

on notes that i do agree with the noise makers are that we are seriously quite crowded. i do understand that having a large population is good for the economy and such, i think this fake growth is dangerous and unreliable in terms of giving economical figures. it will collapse someday and we should have something to back that up if it should collapse in a  disastrous manner.

i think sometimes, we take things for granted..in general as Singaporeans. other places can be better in some terms and worse in come cases. being Singapore, i think we have done well. and to keep up being excellent is tougher than getting here in the first place. i think the gov is slowly learning to be more accommodating to people's ideas and wants. it's good for some, and not enough for others. we'll see..

the problem i see with many people is that they know only the big news and the picture painted by the media, regardless of what media they subscribe to. then they make noise. the real situation have got more facets and more concerns than what the media can or will say. if we, as citizens, are not willing to learn more and think about the issues, we have only ourselves to blame for 'being fooled' by the media. both sides of the media also wayang, supporters on both sides also, not thinking clearly in many of the situation. the solution is not simple and i venture to say, requires individuals to think as individuals for the good of the nation. to do that, we need to read to find out more and know more, then to think how it will impact us and then what would/could be better.

instead of being sheeps, one way or another, we need to be citizens.

silver lining

i think i am rather relieved that the shooting that happened today was by the bombing suspects, and not another pair of crazees. it's still not a good thing to happen, but at least it's not a new threat vector.

must be stressful in Boston now. friends, please stay safe.

up to speed

when i look back on my life, i can remember what i did, what i did not and what i regret. i do not remember how i felt, what i thought nor what i felt proud of.

it feels as if my past have been a movie that i watched and went through without thought. there are so many things i would change and do differently. so many things i regret. somehow i have to dig through these and come to terms with it and move on.

keeping them suppressed and hidden would hurt me, according to many research. i think i understand and feels it somewhat. my lethargy, my lack of motivation and my difficulty in finding my passion is probably a manifestation of my repression.

i am not sure if i can do it on my own without a psychologist/counselor/coach, but i am going to try. day by day. like how i am trying to lose weight. no magic, just pure, hard work. reduce calorie, increase exercise. push through it.

no time to dally and no time to wait for miracles.

i am somewhat feeling more comfortable in my own skin now. i am still not really clear about what i want to do with myself, but i know what i want in the short term and mid term, more importantly i know what i can do, and by God's grace, i will do what i can.

i am more comfortable being vocal, being silent and being Ken. no need to be a coach. no need to be a student. Ken is all those. learning to switch hats.

this morning before my run, read about and saw pictures about the bomb blast at the Boston Marathon. it brought back memories of 9/11. not the same scale. probably not even the same reasons, but nonetheless, same effect on the victims. innocent lives are lost and innocent people are hurt. seeing the pictures of runners with legs needing amputation, really hit it home for me. reading that 100s of them could be needing amputation is simply overwhelming.

there are times, when i imagine how i would feel if i suddenly lost my arms or fingers and cannot shoot archery again. the anguish and the pain is really unbearable. i cannot imagine what those runners are going through right now. pray that God will give them strength and grace to go through this very difficult time.

there are violence everyday in different parts of the world. there is no denial that tragedies are happening all the time to all sorts of people in every country and situation, what makes this special for me is the fact that a marathon is an event that have no political, religious, national affiliation. it is simply a human thing to run. to celebrate a freedom that is basically God-given. it was not targeting blacks or whites, or Americans, Chinese, Koreans or Christians, Muslims or Jews, it just wanted to cause harm and hurt. the first reported casualty was an 8 year old kid. i mean, come on, what kind of fucking terrorists are these? grow some balls and some brains.

been trying to study, but this simply occupied my mind. i hope that the people there will endure and be stronger than ever. we will survive. we will persevere. God have mercy.

finding me.

not much

thanks to anonymous for the encouraging words. i am trying, but i still find myself doubting. so not really changed and moving on.

it's like there is something wrong with the way i think, i cannot see myself being more and being better, i try, but without that confidence, it's all uphill.

lost too much to believe.

slightly sorted

had a good meeting with my managers to discuss my problems and what i should try to work on and how to be better. they are both very encouraging and understanding, i feel i am letting them down. because i know i am letting myself down.

i can do better. i can do more. i can put in more effort. and all these i have done. and yet i find myself, able to do more. that is what i must do. even though i have nothing to show for it. it's like archery, i can only try to improve myself, my skills, my mental game and my efforts. the results, may or may not show, but if i never hit the road, i am not going anywhere.

there are certainly times when i hate myself. what i have done and not done. what i did to others and now try to be better. it all seems so fake, so forced and so futile.

time is running out..

gah..

where did i go wrong? why are things all so difficult? can somebody please talk to me?

tipping point

i am so flimsy. just some speck of news about you, that have nothing to do with me and i become like some heart broken emo kid.

been having good productive days last week or so. really want to keep the momentum going and achieve more this year. been lagging far too much and now finding the courage and groove to really step out and up.

some things i can brush aside, but certain things just hook on to me and drag me down. i have got to be stronger and tougher. there are things waiting for me to do. this is not time to tip backwards.

there can be no real despair without hope. but is there really..?

hello, my friend

it seems that you are back.

what is the purpose of your visit? i do not recall that there is any matter that require your presence in my life again.

please leave at the soonest convenience.

i do not need you.

leave and never come back.

another lunar new year

this is the sloppiest new year clean up i ever did. i blame it on being sick and being kind of depressed. this year was more last minute than last year, and last year was a bad bad year for me. didn't really go through my stuff to clean up. didn't really wanted to. no energy to deal with deciding what to throw and what to keep.

being sick is really draining, especially if it drags out over weeks. and doesn't help that i am not doing so well in life these weeks. 'stamina', my manager told me. sometimes we are down and just need to keep it going. i know that on a intellectual level, but emotionally, i just want to quit and leave.

no easy way out.